He was an American writer and professor of biochemistry at Boston University. A prolific writer, he wrote or edited more than 500 books. He also wrote an estimated 90,000 letters and postcards. Best known for his hard science fiction, Asimov also wrote mysteries and fantasy, as well as a great deal of non-fiction.
*****
I’ve been a fan of Isaac Asimov, for as long as I can remember. I’ve tried to read everything of his that I could find and have never regretted it. He’s one of the most prolific writers who’ve ever lived and is well-versed in virtually any topic someone would like to talk about. Over the years I’ve also discovered that he was one of the funniest writers as well and has written books of limericks and stories that were outrageously funny. I recently acquired a book of his from 1992 (the year of his death) titled Azimov Laughs Again. It’s a volume of funny stories from his life as well as some of his favorite jokes and limericks. Here are a couple jokes to help get your day started.
Mr. Ginsberg, age 83, went to the doctor for a complete examination head to toe. About halfway through, the doctor was called to the telephone. He said, “Mr. Ginsberg, this will not take more than a few minutes. Here’s a jar. While I am gone, go to the bathroom and place a semen sample in it for examination. Then we’ll continue. “A few minutes later, the doctor indeed returned, and there stood Mr. Ginsberg with the jar- totally empty. “Doctor,” said Mr. Ginsberg. “I did my best. I tried with my right hand, and I tried with my left hand. I even tried with both hands, but nothing happened. The doctor said soothingly, “Now, Mr. Ginsberg, don’t feel embarrassed. At the age of 83, it is quite common to be impotent.” Whereupon Ginsberg said, with towering indignation, “What do you mean, impotent? I couldn’t open the jar.”
Old Mr. Anderson and his equally aged wife were filing for divorce. The judge, eyeing them with astonishment, said, “How old are you, Mr. Anderson?” “Ninety-three”, Your Honor. “And your wife?” “Ninety-one”, Your Honor.” “And how long have you been married?” “Sixty-six years.” “Then why do you want to get a divorce now?” “Well, you know how it is, Your Honor.” We were waiting for the children to die.”
He has an interesting sense of humor and I freaking love it. Here’s a small add-on which is one of his favorite limericks.
It’s important to maintain a sense of humor with all of the anticipated stresses of these holidays. Here are two quotes and a hilarious joke that will hopefully put a smile on your face. Enjoy . . .
***
A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they’ve only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift – romantic, yet not too personal. He asks the girlfriend’s younger sister to accompany him to buy them then so she can point out a pair she’d like. They go to the mall and the sister points out a pair of white gloves which the guy then buys. The sister then picks up a pair of panties for herself and buys them. But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels without anyone realizing. As a result, the sister gets the gloves, and the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties.
***
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.”
Shirley Temple
***
Without checking, the guy rushes the gift to his sweetheart, but only after drafting this loving and helpful note to accompany it: “I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she’d been wearing for the last three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
***
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”
Bernard Manning
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There’s no doubt that other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”
I’m feeling a little silly today and I’m not entirely sure why. A good night’s sleep, some weird dreams, and a great cup of coffee. and “Ta Da”, here I am! I’ll start today with some true silliness. As I was surfing around yesterday, I stumbled upon a website called unijoke.com and it had a collection of jokes about “Little Johnny”. I’ve loved those jokes for many years, and I found one on that site that made me laugh out loud. That’s my criteria for determining funny. Here it is . . .
A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch I can find with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day”. The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. “And you, Susie? ” The teacher asks. Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s bitch.”
Almost everyone loves Rock-and-Roll music except maybe for those Country & Western folks and the Hip-Hop idiots. I was thinking about all of the silly names’ musicians create for their bands to help them standout in the crowd. I’ll list a few oldies but goodies and I’m sure you can think of many more.
STOP CALLING ME FRANK
AFGHANISTAN BANANA STAND
BUDDY WHATSHISNAME AND THE OTHER FELLAS
THE COLOR FRED
THE NAUGAHYDE CHIHUAHUAS
QUESTION MARK AND THE MYSTERIANS
THE WELL I’M SURE I LEFT IT THERE YESTERDAY BAND
ME FIRST AND THE GIMMEE GIMEES
THE DISAPPOINTED PARENTS
SHE STOLE MY BEER
You have to admit those rockers had quite the imagination and used the hell out of it. The list of silly band names is never-ending but still fun. Here’s my final thought for today:
It’s a cold Monday in February which means “Hurry Up Spring” I’m tired of waiting for you to get here. With that thought in mind I feel the need for something humorous on this drab Monday. I’ll try to keep my posted jokes no worse than PG, but I make no absolute guarantees. Unfortunately, I love bawdy humor thye most but I’m screening as best I can.
“One spring day two men were out in the woods hunting. Feeling a sudden need to relieve himself, George went over to the nearby clump of bushes, unzipped his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the greenery and bite him on his penis. Hearing George’s howl of pain and fright, his friend Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he rushed into town for a doctor. “There’s only one way to save your friends life,” said the doctor gravely. “If you cut an X over the bite and then suck all the poison out, you’ll probably be okay, but otherwise there’s not much hope.” Hearing Fred’s footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and cried out, “Fred, what’d he say? What did the doctor say?” “George, old friend, “said Fred sadly, “he said you’re going to die.”
😋😋😋
A woman went into the neighborhood grocery store and ask the grocer for a can of cat food. The grocer knew the woman and knew that she didn’t have a cat. So, he asked why she was buying the cat food. The woman replied, “It’s for my husband’s lunch. “The grocer was shocked and said, “You can’t feed the cat food to your husband! It will kill him.” “I’ve been giving it to him for a week now, and he really likes it!” she replied. And so, each day, the woman would come in and buy a can of cat food for her husband’s lunch. One day the grocer happened to be scanning the obituary columns of the local newspaper and noticed that the woman’s husband had passed away. When she came into the store a few days later, he said to her, “I’m sorry to hear about your husband, but I told you that if you kept giving him cat food it would kill him.” The woman replied, “It wasn’t the cat food that killed them. He broke his neck trying to lick his ass!”
So much for my Monday humor. I firmly believe they would’ve been much funnier if I had posted some really dirty jokes. I’ll bear that in mind for future postings. Here’s one final joke for all of you sports fans out there.
Why did the Detroit Lions hire two nuns and a prostitute for next season? A: Because they’re in dire need of two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas party. He didn’t even remember how he’d gotten home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he’d done anything wrong.
He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house.
He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!” He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating. Jack asked, “Son, what happened last night?” “Well Dad, you came home after 3 A.M from the Christmas party, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.” Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a fresh red rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me. What the hell?”
His son replied, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up last night, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone bitch, I’m married!'”
As you all know, I collect weird, unusual, and strange facts. Over the years my collection of weird facts has grown so large that I feel the need to share them with you just so someone other than me can enjoy them. Here are just ten of them that I’d like to pass along. It’s giving me something to do on this cold, rainy, and dreary day in Maine. I can feel winter sneaking up on me and I’m not sure I ready for the frigid cold weather and snow. Here we go . . .
Two 1903 paintings were sold at auction for $590,000 – the paintings were in the famous “Dogs Playing Poker” series.
Actor Burt Reynolds was originally cast to play Hans Solo in the first Star Wars film. He dropped out just before filming started.
7% of Americans claim they never bathe at all.
The number of U.S. college students studying Latin is three times the number studying Arabic.
If you could drive to the sun at 55 mph it would take you about 193 years.
Everyone has his or her own unique odor identity, or “smelly fingerprint”.
10% of the world’s volcanoes are in Japan. Among them, 108 have erupted in the last 10,000 years, 50 in the last 100 years, and 36 are currently active.
There are approximately 250,000 sweat glands in a pair of feet, and they excrete as much as half a pint of moisture each day.
Each domestic cow emits about 105 pounds of methane a year.
It takes your mouth, esophagus, stomach, small intestine, gallbladder, pancreas and liver just to digest a glass of milk.
Now that the weird facts list has been completed, I thought you might enjoy a little humor. Being a former police officer this joke made me laugh out loud. Any cop can tell you that things like this actually do occur and they always helped to break up a slow work day. Enjoy!
There was a middle-aged guy who had just bought a Mercedes 2000 convertible. He headed down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “This is great,” he thought, and floored it some more, only to hear a siren and see the flashing lights of a State Police car in his rearview mirror. “I can get away from him no problem,” thought the man, and he stepped on it again until he was flying down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this kind of thing,” so he slowed and pulled over to the side of the road to wait for the officer to catch up with him. The pursuing officer pulled in behind the Mercedes, got out, and walked up to the man. “Sir,” he said, looking at his watch, “my shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me one good reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.” The fellow looked at the patrolman and said, “Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper and I thought you were bringing her back.”
I’m forever slamming politicians and their ilk anything and everything I can. I feel it’s my obligation as a citizen to give them all the credit they deserve, both for good and bad. But it’s the weekend and I’m feeling less intense today and in that vein I offer some political humor from various sources. They made me smile so I stored them away for this occasion. Enjoy!
This first humorous story isn’t truly a political story but it has political implications if you read between the lines.
There’s an old sea story about a ship’s Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the First Mate that his men “smelled really bad”. The Captain suggested it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally. The First Mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced the “Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear”. He continued, Phillips you change with Jones, McCarthy you change with Witkowski, and Brown you change with Schultz. The moral of this story is that someone may come along and promise change, but don’t count on things smelling any better. (Applies to all parties.)
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red telephone and askwhat the phone is for. The Devil tells them it’s for calling back to earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he’s finished the Devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she’s finished the Devil informs her that the cost is six million dollars, so she writes him a check. George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he’s finished the Devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the Devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The Devil just smiled and replied, “Since Biden took over, the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call”.
Some of you may think those two stories aren’t all that funny but get over yourself, they are. If you’re a conservative or a Republican I’m sure you enjoyed them and if your a Democrat or liberal you probably didn’t. I don’t really care. I enjoy ridiculing all politicians, regardless of their party affiliation. Just remember, this blog isn’t Fox News or MSNBC and I’m certainly not “Fair and Balanced”. I have a serious dislike for them all.
In the past I’ve posted lists of things I love and hate. Most of them were done to be humorous or at least tongue-in-cheek. Today I thought it might be nice to list just ten things I really love. I tried to do it seriously without attempts at humor but it’s difficult. These are in no particular order except for the first item which if it showed up lower on the list I’d be a dead man.
My Better-half (Always first or else.)
My Stupid Cat (He wanted to be #1 . . . Sorry!)
Peace & Quiet
My Mental Strength
Losing myself for hours while creating anything. (Quality Time)
Sleeping Naked (Best thing since potato chips were invented.)
A Really Good Margarita (Or a Mojito)
Growing Anything
Eating soup
A really dirty joke or limerick.**
** I need to offer up some samples of this item or I just wouldn’t feel right about things. These limericks and jokes are “R” rated so if you’re offended by that kind of humor stop reading now.
Limerick #1
There was a woman named Lucille
who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
they found her vagina in North Carolina
and bits of her tits in Brazil.
Limerick #2
There was a young man from Brighton
Who thought he’d at last found a tight ‘un.
He said, "Oh my love,
It fits like a glove."
Said she, "But you’re not in the right ‘un."
Limerick #3
A gay young man from Khartoum,
took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night,
as to who had the right
to do what, with which and to whom.
Joke #1
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Joke #2
The scene, a newly wed couple on the first night of their honeymoon just before the passionate lovemaking was to begin. The wife tells her husband, "Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How’s that even possible? You’ve been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was…oh, do I ever miss him!"
So much for my lame attempt at a little dirty humor. I just felt the need to be off-color this morning. I wonder why?
For the first time in many years I made it through an April Fool’s Day without being tricked or screwed with. I’ve never really understood why a specific prank day is necessary when everyday has potential for it.
The normal pranks that I’ve experienced were simple gags or tricks made by my ever so simple friends and workmates. Fortunately I was never subjected to anything too complicated for the most part.
I decided to list a few pranks played by individuals and companies that have become legends. To this day it still amazes me just how gullible the public can be when confronted with an obviously false story. Like P.T. Barnum always said "There’s a sucker born every minute". Let’s start with the famous Taco Bell entry.
The Taco Liberty Bell
April 1, 1996: The Taco Bell Corporation took out a full-page ad that appeared in six major newspapers announcing it had bought the Liberty Bell and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundreds of outraged citizens called the National Historic Park in Philadelphia where the bell was housed to express their anger. Their nerves were only calmed when Taco Bell revealed, a few hours later, that it was all a practical joke. The best line of the day came when White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale. Thinking on his feet, he responded that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold. It would now be known, he said, as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.
The Sydney Iceberg
April 1, 1978: A barge towing a giant iceberg appeared in Sydney Harbor. Dick Smith, a local adventurer and millionaire businessman, had been loudly promoting his scheme to tow an iceberg from Antarctica for quite some time. Now he had apparently succeeded. He said that he was going to carve the berg into small ice cubes, which he would sell to the public for ten cents each. These well-traveled cubes, fresh from the pure waters of Antarctica, were promised to improve the flavor of any drink they cooled. Slowly the iceberg made its way into the harbor. Local radio stations provided blow-by-blow coverage of the scene. Only when the berg was well into the harbor was its secret revealed. It started to rain, and the firefighting foam and shaving cream that the berg was really made of washed away, uncovering the white plastic sheets beneath.
Burger King’s Left Handed Whopper
April 1, 1998: Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested their own ‘right handed’ version." Left-handed products of various kinds are actually an old joke on April first, but Burger King’s announcement quickly became, by far, the most famous version of the joke.
The Body of Nessie of Loch Ness Fame Found
April 1, 1972: Newspapers around the world reported the sensational news that the dead body of the Loch Ness Monster had been found. A team of zoologists from Yorkshire’s Flamingo Park Zoo had come across it while working at the Loch. The researchers tried to take the Nessie corpse back to Yorkshire, but Scottish police promptly stopped them, citing an old law that made it illegal to remove "unidentified creatures" from Loch Ness. However, subsequent examination of the creature determined that it wasn’t actually Nessie. Instead, it was a large bull elephant seal from the South Atlantic. But how had it gotten to Loch Ness? This was revealed the next day when the Flamingo Park’s education officer, John Shields, confessed responsibility. The seal had died the week before at Dudley Zoo. He had shaved off its whiskers, padded its cheeks with stones, and kept it frozen for a week, before surreptitiously dumping it in the Loch, intending to play an April Fool’s prank on his colleagues. He admitted the joke got somewhat out of hand when the police became involved.
Not only are we Americans gullible, apparently everyone else on this planet is as well. I can’t wait to see future prank offerings that are sure to be accepted hook, line, and sinker by many of us stupid human beings.
Today is what will probably turn into a do-nothing, boring, day of reading, and not much else. We’re still caught in between seasons here in Maine which means the weather is all screwed up and annoying. The snowfall from our recent storm is 90% gone but it’s still awfully cold at night. It’s just cold enough to require heavy clothing that makes you begin to sweat as soon as you put it on. Then you remove it to cool down, get cold, and put the clothing back on and sweat some more. It’s no wonder everyone seems to be suffering either from colds or any one of many flu viruses that seem to be going around.
I’ve spent the last few days at home and only leaving the house for wine or food emergencies. All that means is if I’m short on wine and my favorite foods I will brave the cold and crappy weather regardless. Minor errands or stupid shopping forays are not what I consider an emergency no matter what my better-half tells me.
While I’m thinking about that here are a few dirty jokes to brighten your day. We’ll start with a bar joke. Everyone loves a good and dirty bar joke.
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."
Having worked for a few retail companies over the years I thought a little retail humor was warranted. I looked for years trying to find a salesman like this.
A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I’ll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65 ". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’"
This joke goes a long way to explain how long term marriages seem to work.
Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes ballistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?" Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I’ll explain the toy, you explain the kids….."
You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive? This little list makes one think, and may put things in perspective:
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 $ 9.52 per gallon Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 $10.00 per gallon Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 $10.17 per gallon Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 $10.32 per gallon Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 $25.42 per gallon Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 $33.60 per gallon Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 $84.48 per gallon Pepto-Bismol 4 oz $3.85 $123.20 per gallon Vick’s Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 $178.13 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER . . . Evian water 9 oz $1.49 $21.19 per gallon! $21.19 FOR WATER! . . . and most buyers don’t even know the source. But then again "EVIAN" spelled backwards is "Naïve."
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