Archive for the ‘limerick’ Tag
Now that the new year has begun and the obligatory resolutions have been posted, I thought it would be nice to return to one of the mainstays of this blog, LIMERICKS! I have a large and varied collection but today I’ll be reaching way back to 1979 for some inspiration. I hope you enjoy them.
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A skinny old maid from Verdun
Wed a short-peckered son-of-a-gun.
She said, “I don’t care
If there isn’t much there.
God knows it is better than none.”
💥💥
There was a young fellow named Sweeney
Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch
Had a catch that would latch –
She could only be screwed by Houdini.
💥💥💥
I sat next to the Duchess at tea.
It was just as I feared it would be:
Her rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenomenal,
And everyone thought it was me.
💥💥💥💥
Nymphomaniacal Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And her asshole in Buckingham Palace.
😜
GOTTA LUV THEM 70’S
I’ve spent most of my day dealing with a belligerent computer program that refuses to do its job. I shouldn’t be too upset since it’s a program I purchased about 10 years ago. I suspect that it has finally gotten to the point where my new computer is more than it can handle. It was a program used to write what I spoke. Now I’ll be forced to step back a few years and begin typing everything myself. I suppose I’ve gotten a little lazy over the years relying on that software. That being said I’m posting a few limericks today that were originally written sometime prior to 1960. Enjoy them unedited.
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There once was a fellow named Abbott
Who made love to girls as a habit.
But he ran for the door
When one girl asked for more,
And exclaimed “I’m a man, not a rabbit.”
💥💥
There was a young lady named Frances
Who suffered embarrassing trances.
She stripped to the skin
Before Father Flynn
And made him indecent advances.
💥💥💥
A naked young tart named Roselle
Walked the streets while ringing a bell.
When asked why she rang it
She answered, “Gol dang it!
Can’t you see I something to sell?”
💥💥💥💥
To Sadie the touch of a male meant
An emotional cardiac ailment.
And acute shortness of breath
Caused her untimely death
😛😛😛😛😛
OLDIES BUT GOODIES
Here are a few old and bawdy limericks from years past. The “secret words” for today are VIRGINITY & MOTHERHOOD.
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A lady of virginal humors
Would only be screwed through her bloomers.
But one fatal day
The bloomers gave way,
Which fixed her for future consumers.
💥💥
A girl who lived in Kentucky
Said, “Yes, I’ve been awfully lucky.
No man ever yet
On my back made me wet,
But sometimes I feel awfully fucky.”
💥💥💥
There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born.
And he wouldn’t have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.
💥💥💥💥
There was a young girl from Penzance
Who decided to take just one chance.
So, she let herself go
In the lap of her beau,
And now all her sisters are aunts.
😏😏😏
WHO DOESN’T LOVE GOOD POETRY?
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The limerick’s an art form complex,
Whose contents run chiefly to sex.
It’s famous for virgins
And masculine urgings,
And vulgar, erotic effects.
💥💥
Undressing a virgin named Sue,
Her seducer remarked, “If it’s true
That an apple a day
Keeps the doctor away,
Think how healthy you must be with two”!
💥💥💥
There was a young student named Jones
whose urgings reduced maidens to moans.
By his wonderful knowledge
(Acquired in college),
Of nineteen erogenous zones.
💥💥💥💥
The orgy began on the lawn,
Several hours ahead of the dawn.
We found ourselves viewing
Sixty-six vulgar couples screwing,
But by sunup they had all come and gone!
😏😁😎
Here are a few limericks concerning food. They aren’t that bawdy, but they should still be considered “food for the soul”. So, enjoy them all especially the one with those juicy cantaloupes.
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By Ed Cunningham
As the natives got ready to serve
A midget explorer named Merv,
“This meal will be brief,”
Said the cannibal chief,
“For this is at best an hors d’oeuvre.”
💥💥
By Charlotte McBee
A greengrocer’s wife, named Yvette,
Took her cantaloupes out (for a bet).
A couple of felons
Made off with her melons,
And they’ve not apprehended them yet!
💥💥💥
By Val Pohler
A young lady too fond of meringue
Let concerns for her figure go hang.
She consumed them in tons,
Along with cream buns,
Until she went off with a BANG!
💥💥💥💥
By Frank Richards
There was an old man of Peru
Who watched his wife making a stew.
He said, “It’s too thin.”
So, she pushed him right in,
Saying, “Nobody’s thicker than you!”
💥💥💥💥💥
TA DA!
I thought I’d start the month of October with a bang. Over the years I’ve posted thousands of limericks, and I hope I live long enough to post 10,000 more. I tried to pick a topic today to make these limericks a little more interesting. So, the topic for our October limericks is MOTHERHOOD. I’m sure all of you mothers out there, both male and female, will appreciate them.
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There was a young girl of Claridge’s
Who said, “What a strange thing marriage is,
When you stop to think
That I’ve poured down the sink
Five abortions and 50 miscarriages!”
💥💥
There was a young lady named Flo
Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
So, they tried it all night
Till he got it just right . . .
Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
💥💥💥
There was a young lady of Maine
Who declared she’d a man on the brain.
Much you knew from the view
Of the way her waist grew,
It was not on her brain that he’d lain.
💥💥💥💥
There was a young lady of Louth
Who suddenly grew very stout.
Her mother said, “Nelly,
There’s more in your belly
Than ever went in through your mouth.”
💥💥💥💥💥
DEDICATED TO ALL OF YOU MOTHERS OUT THERE
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
🐶👩🏻
- The family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of “boobies” are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20’s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions”? asked the son. “Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter asked, “Mom”, how many kinds of penises are there? The mother smiles and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20’s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and strong. In his 30’s and 40’s, it’s like a birch, flexible and reliable. After his 50’s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” queried the daughter. “Yes, “it’s dead from the roots up and the balls are for decoration only.
- Two guys were walking home from work one afternoon. “Shit,” said the first guy, “as soon as I get home, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties off!” “What’s the rush?” his friend asked. “The fucking elastic in these legs is killing me,” the guy replied.
- “The man was on the witness stand and the lawyer asked him, “What was my client doing that night? The witness said, “He was fucking!!” The judge told the witness, “You can’t say fuck in court.” So, the lawyer again asked the man, “”What was my client doing on that night?” “He was fucking your honor!!! The judge said to him again, “Listen, if you say fuck again, I’m going to hold you confined in jail for 30 days for contempt of court.” So, the lawyer rephrased his question and said, “Could you describe what my client was doing on that night?” The man thought quietly for moment and said this:
“His pants were down to his knees,
His ass was swinging in the breeze,
His you know what was in the you know where,
And if that isn’t fucking, you can give me the chair.”
If you had sex 365 times in one year and melted down
all the condoms to make a tire, what would you call it?
A FUCKING GOODYEAR
Now that Labor Day has come and gone, we can all kick back, relax, and wait for the Fall foliage, then snow, and of course the string of holidays: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Christmas, New Years Eve and finally New Years Day. I’m exhausted already from just listing them all. Maybe I’m overdue for a two-month vacation to any remote island filled with topless native girls, beach feasts, and lots of grog and margaritas. But since that’s not happening how about we kick off the Fall season with a few “G” rated limericks.
My laptop, with skill and finesse,
has a brain that can beat me at chess.
But with no arms or body,
it stinks at karate.
Now please help me clean up this mess.
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I met a young spider named Deb,
who’s become quite a singing celeb.
When I asked how she’d grown
to be so well known,
she replied, “I’m all over the web!”
💥💥
Mom said our dog’s part retriever,
part collie, part badger and beaver,
and part German Shepherd,
part penguin, part leopard.
I’m nor sure if I should believe her.
💥💥💥
Biking, Mackensie once rode
down a street – heard a “pop” – and she slowed.
In discovering that
her front ire was flat,
she said, “Must have been that fork in the road!”
💥💥💥💥
SPECIAL THANKS TO BRIAN P. CLEARY
I’m not what anyone would consider a rabid sports fan. I love the NFL and the Pittsburgh Steelers, but I still can’t sit for three hours to watch a game filled with constant annoying commercials. I now rely on Facebook to supply me with recaps on Monday morning. I was for many years a huge fan of the Pittsburgh Pirates but that eventually faded away due to an organization afraid to spend money on exceptional players. They seem to have improved in this area this year, but I’ve been fooled before . . . so color me skeptical. One thing I’ve always loved even more than sports was any good limerick. I searched out a few samples about sports and I found them to be just as enjoyable as any sports event on television.
A showoff whilst skating on ice,
Turned a difficult somersault (twice).
He bounced on his head,
Spat out six teeth and said:
“I must try that again- it was nice!”
💥💥💥
I hit every home run we score,
I catch every catch and what’s more,
I aint missed a game,
You may not know my name,
But I’m up here in row eighty-four.
💥💥💥
I played a few times for the Yankees
(Though, as memories, I’ve tried to blank these).
I did what I could,
But I wasn’t much good,
And my antics had fans grabbing hankies.
💥💥💥
A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire “blind” out of malice.
While the ump had fits,
The team scored eight hits,
And a girl in the bleachers called Alice!
🏈🏐⚾🧢
GO STEELERS
Now that my blog has returned to something close to normal, what better way to start fresh than having a slightly off-color Limerick Alert. I thought I’d start out with this first limerick that hopefully will be appreciated by all of you poets out there. I’m sure you’ll recognize the reference to one of my favorite poets as soon as you see it.
There was a young man from New Haven
Who had an affair with a raven.
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
“Nevermore!”
😏😏😏
There once was a girl named Mc Goffin
Who was diddled amazingly often.
She was a rogered by scores
Who’d been turned down by whores,
And was finally screwed in her coffin.
😁😁😁
There was a young fellow from Florida
Who liked a friend’s wife, so he borrowed her.
When they got into bed
He cried, “God strike me dead!
This aint a pussy – it’s a corridor!”
😎😎😎
The lady with features cherubic
Was famed for her area pubic.
When they ask her its size
She replied in surprise,
“Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?”
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E. A. P.
everyuselessthing.com 