I decided that we’ve gone far too many days without a Limerick Alert. Today’s selections are approximately 60 years old. I’ll give you a few examples of how back in the day, people wrote limericks about clothing and dress styles. These are all clean and readable for all ages, and I’d rate them PG.
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There was a young man of Bengal, Who went to a fancy dress ball. He went just for fun, Dressed up as a bun, And the dog ate him up in the hall.
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There was a young woman of Ayr, Tried to steal out of church during prayer, But the squeak of her shoes So enlivened the pews That she sat down again in despair.
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There was an old person of Fratton Who would go to church with his hat on. “If I wake up”, he said, With my hat on my head, I shall know that it hasn’t been sat on.”
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There was a young lady of Durban Who insisted on wearing a turban. When asked why she wore it, She said, “I adore it I’m so weary of fashions suburban.”
I thought today I would do something a little different. As I’ve mentioned many times in posts I am not a lover of beer. While that remains true so does the fact that my better-half loves, adores, and worships at the closest beer tap. Over the years many of my friends and coworkers drank nothing but beer and to this day I’ll never understand why. This post is for all of you male beer drinkers out there and hopefully after reading this you may understand why many women have issues with men who love drinking beer. The following is a list of nineteen reasons why a man at times prefers beer rather than the company of a woman.
1.You can enjoy beer all month long. 2. You don’t have to wine and dine a beer 3. Beer will wait patiently for you in the car when you play sports 4. A frigid beer is still a good beer. 5. Beer is never late. 6. Beer hangovers go away eventually. 7. A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer. 8. Beer labels come off without a fight. 9. When you go to a bar, you can always pick up a beer. 10. Beer never has a headache.
If you pour beer just right, you’ll always get good head.
A beer won’t get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
Beer always goes down easy.
You can share a beer with your friends.
You always know if you’re the first one to pop a beer.
Beer is always wet.
You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
It seems that almost everyone wants to be richer. We’ve heard it as children that if you become rich you will be successful, happy, and content with your life. After reaching adulthood reality sets in when you discover just how difficult obtaining and keeping riches can be. Here is a collection of quotes from some of those rich and famous folks who will explain their thoughts on being wealthy.
“Money is a prolific generating nature. Money can beget money, and its offspring can beget more.” Ben Franklin
“Money is a terrible master but an excellent servant.” PT Barnum
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” Aristotle Onassis
“Money brings some happiness. But, after a certain point, it just brings more money.” Neil Simon
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.” Oscar Wilde
“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.” Woody Allen
“Golden shackles are far worse than iron ones.” Gandhi
“If I hadn’t been rich, I might’ve been a really great man.” Orson Welles
“A woman needs four animals in her life: A mink in the closet. A jaguar in the garage. A tiger in bed. And then an ass to pay for it all.” Anne Slater
“Rich men without convictions are more dangerous in modern society then poor women without chastity.” George Bernard Shaw
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And there’s no better way to end this post then to have a quote from a celebrity that speaks the absolute truth.
I don’t consider myself to be an over-the-top addicted spots fan but it doesn’t keep me from still loving baseball. For me it is the All-American sport even more so than the NFL or the NBA. Playing baseball gave me some of the best times of my life even though I still have a hard time watching it on television. It’s more fun to actually play than to watch. I’ve followed many players over the years that had fantastic stats but one player in particular just always made me smile. That was Yogi Berra, a man who has been quoted over and over again for decades with his famous brand of humor. Here is a short selection of some of his thoughts and comments that will certainly entertain you.
“You can observe a lot just by watching.”
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.”
“I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.”
“You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.”
“A nickel isn’t worth a dime today.”
“Nobody goes there anymore – it’s too crowded.”
“You give a hundred percent in the first half the game, and if that isn’t enough, in the second half you give what’s left.”
“I made a wrong mistake.”
“Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel.”
“I never blame myself for not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, I know it isn’t my fault that I’m not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?”
Today I’m going to make this post quick and simple. Here are five moderately bawdy limericks from our recent past. They’re rated PG-13 due to some of the sexual content but I edited some of the harsher foul language so as not to have it too disgusting. Enjoy.
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There was a young man from Perdue, Who was only just learning to screw. But he hadn’t the knack, And got too far back- In the right church, but in the wrong pew!
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There was an old fellow named Hewing Whose poor heart stopped while he was screwing. He gasped: “Really, Miss, Don’t feel bad about this- There is nothing I’d rather die doing!”
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There was a young fellow named Menzies Who’s kissing sent girls into frenzies. But a virgin, one night, Crossed her legs in a fright, And fractured his bifocal lenzies.
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A pretty young lady named Flo Said:” I hate to be had in the snow. While I’m normally hot, In this spot I am not- So, as soon as you come Joe, let’s go!”
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There was an old fellow named Bill, Who swallowed an atomic pill. His naval corroded, His asshole exploded, And they found both his nuts in Brazil.
I’ve been called many things in my life. Some were complimentary and others not so much. My all-time favorite without a doubt is that I’m a sarcastic son-of-bitch. To me that is nothing more than a badge of honor which I wear proudly. Most people know the word sarcastic but have no idea what it really means. I’ve spent many years honing my sarcasm skills so today I’m now willing to share some of them with you. Here are some commonly used words with a beautiful yet sarcastic explanation. Read on my sarcastically uneducated and challenged readers.
CALM-What you are usually urged to remain around the time the third engine on the aircraft has failed.
PERFECTIONIST-The worst kind of boss; the best kind of sex partner.
PERKY-Lively, jaunty, brisk, or to put it another way, just asking for a punch in the damn face.
PUBLIC RESTROOM-A place containing toilet seats that make you wish you could be taught how to hover.
REALITY-A state in which you assume everybody else resides, until you start dating.
REGRET-The gnawing, inescapable feeling that behaving like a total dick for your entire life may not have been such a good idea.
MACHO-A form of overstated masculinity, requiring males to live in a state of constant readiness to whip it out and see whose is bigger.
NITPICK-To rip someone a new one without leaving anything out.
DRUNK-Intoxicated with alcoholic beverages. An absolutely crucial component in the decision to photocopy one’s ass cheeks.
DRESS-Something that does not, I said not, make you look fat.
DEGREE-A certificate of academic achievement awarded at the college level. Comes in very handy when asking people if they want fries with that.
CHIVALRY-Considerate behavior that a man completely abandons right after as many dates as it takes to get a woman into bed.
BAR-A place where lonely, desperate people go to get hammered enough to find other lonely, desperate people suddenly irresistible.
HOTDOG-The toenails, lips, and eyebrows of various animals served on a bun.
HUNGOVER- A condition that makes figuring out who was next to you in bed this morning take anywhere from five minutes to a lifetime.
I’ve spent the last five and a half years being tended to by a score of doctors and nurses and it saved my life. It’s given me time to really examine their profession and the the abilities they have to save lives. Todays post will introduce odd facts and historical information where the roots of our current medical treatments began. Some of it is a little strange and also a little frightening but that’s how we’ve learned the skills being used today.
The first image of the doctors stitching up a wound can be found on the Edwin Smith Papyrus (1600 B.C.).
Ancient Egyptian medicine was considered so advanced that the rulers of neighboring kingdoms would often bribe, cajole, or even send someone to kidnap the Pharaoh’s best doctors.
The 3000-year-old “Ebers Papyrus” was written on a 65 foot long scroll and describes treatments for the eyes, skin, extremities, and organs. It also lists medicinal plants such as mustard, saffron, onions, garlic, thyme, sesame, caraway, and poppy seed, and offers more than 800 recipes for their use.
The Egyptians used opium as crude forms of anesthesia when operating on patients. They also created a milder painkiller by mixing water with vinegar and adding ground Memphite stone. The resulting “laughing gas” was inhaled.
The first known surgery for cataracts was performed in the Egyptian city of Alexandria in about A.D. 100.
A collection of 37 surgical instruments is engraved on the wall in the Egyptian Temple of Kom-Ombo (2d century B.C.). Some show amazing similarities to modern surgical instruments and includes scalpels, scissors, needles, forceps, lancets, hooks, and pincers.
The original Hippocratic Oath was written by a school of philosophers known as the Pythagoreans and was actually a reaction against the writings of Hippocrates. The Pythagoreans were conservative and even backward looking in many ways forbidding many medical practices, including the surgery.
The Romans considered cabbage to be a magically protective food. The philosopher Cato wrote that Romans should not only eat cabbage at every meal, but also drink the urine of someone who’d eaten cabbage two days before.
In both ancient Greece and Rome, doctors didn’t need licenses or any formal training to practice. Anyone could call himself a doctor. If his methods worked, he attracted more patients, if not, he found himself another job.
Most Roman surgical instruments were made of bronze, or occasionally of silver. Iron was considered taboo by both Greeks and Romans and was never used for surgical instruments on religious grounds.
I thought today I would offer up a short quiz on Food. I was motivated by spending a few hours yesterday with my better-half making some of our good old down-home hot salsa with many of the ingredients coming from our garden. I sliced and diced veggies until my hands cramped but as always it was well worth the effort. The end result was 21 pints and three quarts of killer hot salsa. We’ve spent years creating and adjusting the recipe and we make a batch every Fall for our own use and gifts for family and friends during the holidays. As always the answers to this quiz will be listed below. Let’s see how you do.
1. What breakfast food gets its name from the German word for “stirrup?”
2. What drink is named for the wormwood plant?
3. What two spices are derived from the fruit of the nutmeg tree?
4. What product was introduced in Japanese supermarkets after a survey showed half the country’s young people weren’t able to use chopsticks?
5. What flavor ice cream did Dolly Madison serve at the inaugural festivities in 1812?
6. What did the homesick alien get drunk on in Steven Spielberg’s hit film from 1982, E. T. The Extra-Terrestrial?
7. What popular treat did 11-year-old Frank Epperson accidentally invent in 1905 and then patent in 1924?
8. What favorite recipe of her and her husbands did First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy have taped to the wall in the White House kitchen?
9. What popular soft drink contained the drug lithium-now available only by prescription-when it will was introduced in 1929?
10. What food product is named after Hannibal’s brother Mago?
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Answers
Bagel, Vermouth, Nutmeg & Mace, Trainer Chopsticks, Strawberry, Coors Beer, The Popsicle, The Daiquiri, 7-Up, Mayonnaise.
I like finding information in history that I’ve never heard before. Here are two samples of incidents that apparently are not common knowledge. Enjoy!
HARRY CARAY
We don’t know where or when the “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” seven-inning sing-along began, but one early claim and perhaps the one that popularized it was the result of a prank. In the 1970’s, baseball broadcaster Harry Caray, then a play-by-play announcer for the White Sox, was known to sing along to the song while in the broadcast booth, which was normally with the microphone off. Bill Veeck found out about this and one day unbeknownst to Caray he turned the broadcaster’s microphone on and piped Caray’s rendition to the fans. The fans absolutely loved it, and when Caray moved to the crosstown Chicago Cubs, he kept it going.
FORT SUMTER
Here’s a little tidbit from the Civil War era. Officially, the siege of Fort Sumter had a death toll of just two men, both Union soldiers. But those deaths weren’t at the hands of the Confederacy. Fort Sumter, low on provisions and undermanned, was unable to thwart the Confederate bombardment. Major Robert Anderson, the commander of the fort agreed to surrender after less than two days of bombardment, under the condition that his men be allowed to give a 100-gun salute when lowering the American flag. During that ceremony, some ammunition went off accidentally, killing Pvt. Edward Galloway and Daniel Hough, the only casualties.
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