Archive for August 2013
Since my better-half and I are road tripping for the rest of the weekend I thought I’d just get Sunday’s posting out of the way before we leave. I hope you’ll enjoy your weekend.
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I’ve been watching and listening the the President and his minions for years now. I’ve discredited him when I could and attempted to convince anyone who would listen to look, see, and understand truth of things. If you’re still a big supporter then you’re obviously one of the Obama “Kool-Aid” drinkers. Why not listen to our past presidents who’ve been through the political wringer and survived. They have experiences that should be drawn upon for guidance and help in these perilous times. Listen up!
“It will be worthy of a free, enlightened, and, at no distant period, a great nation, to give to mankind the magnanimous and too novel example of a People always guided by an exalted justice and benevolence.”
George Washington – Farewell Address 1796
“I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just; that his justice cannot sleep forever.”
Thomas Jefferson 1785
“The American people will ever do well if well done by.”
Abraham Lincoln 1860
“The strength of our Nation must continue to be used in the interest of all our people rather than a privileged few. It must continue to be used unselfishly in the struggle for world peace and the betterment of mankind.”
Harry S. Truman – State of the Union Jan 1949
“Whatever America hopes to bring to pass in the world must first come to pass in the heart of America.”
Dwight D. Eisenhower – First Inaugural Address 1953
“America is a great nation today not because of what government did for people but because of what people did for themselves and one another.”
Richard M. Nixon – Beyond Peace 1994
“All great change in America begins at the dinner table.”
Ronald Reagan – Farewell Address Jan 1989
“America is never wholly herself unless she is engaged in high moral principle. We as a people have a purpose today. It is to make kinder the face of the nation and gentler the face of the world.”
George Bush – Inaugural Address 1989
I’ll say it again as I’ve said it so many times before. Know your past.
I’ve written many a post over the years about sex, relationships, and especially women. I ‘m the same as most men, we really don’t have a complete grasp on what women want or expect before, during, and after sex. Some times we get lucky and do things just right but as a woman changes so does her desires during sex. Lick an ear lobe one day and your just so damn sexy. Wait a week, lick the same ear lobe and get a somewhat tepid response. Women?
I decided that a thorough search on the Web might help me clarify a few things if I could find a few females willing to help me. I think the following list of things women like or love might be helpful to all of you inept men out there. It reminds me an episode of Friends where Monica and Rachel attempt to educate Chandler about various female erogenous zones. It was funny and sad at the same time.
Let’s get started. For all of you women out there who feel the need to respond to these facts, please be kind and keep the profanity to a minimum.
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Stay in Shape: This becomes increasingly difficult as we age. Older men have the proverbial pot belly and it can be difficult to stop Mother Nature from intruding into your bedroom. Let change this category to Stay in the Best Shape You Can. Start doing exercises and other techniques to help you improve. She’ll be begging for much more sex once you do!
Take Your Time: More extended foreplay. Think about it, by delaying the penetration and enjoying the foreplay, she’d feel more wet and will enjoy sex a lot more.
Emotional Connection. To enjoy sex better, women need to feel connected to the man emotionally. Well, this doesn’t make one night stands less sexy but in a relationship where you’ve had sex a few times, you always need to focus on making her feel loved and emotionally connected to you.
Raise Her Self esteem. For a woman, self esteem is one of the most important things to help her feel sexy about herself when she’s in bed with a man. When you’re making love with your women, make her feel loved and comfortable, and compliment her body or any other specific regions that you find sexy. Women love a man who boosts their ego in bed.
Talking Dirty: Yes, I’ve been a dirty talker for years. It’s a type of oral sex that I found quite satisfying once I discovered that women love it too. Not every woman loves it but more do than I ever thought possible.
More Experimentation: Women crave new things more than men. Keep a drawer full of gadgets, extra batteries, and a copy of the Kama Sutra nearby. A six pack or two of various flavored lubricants won’t hurt either.
A Little Danger: Dare to take a chance or two. Sex in unusual places can be thrilling. I’ve ben known to try storerooms, closets, park benches, restroom stalls, and even cars upon occasion. Use your imagination, and you’ll be surprised at just how much risk many women are willing to take.
Satisfy her: Can you really enjoy sex if you don’t finish yourself off? Of course, you can’t. And for women, it works the same way. Don’t focus only on your own needs. Take it slow and warm her up, and don’t ejaculate until your woman has orgasmed first.
Give All of Her Your Attention: If you really want your woman to have a wild time in bed, don’t isolate yourself to just a place or two on her body. Focus on all of her, kiss her hands, lick her navel, kiss her toes, the back of her neck and everywhere else. If she moans you know you’re doing the right thing.
End It With Love: Afterplay is just as important as foreplay for a woman. Cuddle after sex and talk to each other for a few minutes. Add in a few kisses and compliments and she’ll love you for the great guy you are.
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You’ll notice I didn’t address the size and shape of male and female genitalia at all. I just didn’t see the need. Size can be important to some but in general I think it’s overrated. Big breasts, little breasts, big penis little penis . . . . So what! If you can successfully learn half of the items on the above list you’re likely to be a better lover regardless of size.
It’s time for another one of my boring journal entries. Today was the day I was to spend some real quality time with my better-half and a host of smarmy, smooth talking, used car salesmen. We spent the day driving from car dealership to car dealership, test driving, and sitting in way too many vehicles.
I’ve never been much of a car person. I never found it necessary as a young man to base my self-worth on the newness or expensiveness of a car. I’ve always had decent enough cars but never concerned myself with what others thought about the color, size, or coolness. Cars to me are just tools to be purchased, used, maintained and after a reasonable time, scrapped.
I’ve had so many different vehicles over the years I have a hard time remembering them all. So when assisting my better-half in obtaining another vehicle I’m what you might call, unemotional. Cars are either, poor, good, or very good based solely on mileage, comfort, and of course, cost. Not so for her though.
My better-half has an ability to fall into an immediate emotional relationship not just with cars but any inanimate object she comes in contact with. It drives me absolutely crazy. We first made a trip the body shop where the corpse of “her baby” was being stored. We were there to retrieve the license plates and to remove any of her remaining possessions. It was a short and silent ride to the lot and I jumped out immediately to begin the process. I began removing the plates and looking for other stuff as fast as I could. I wanted to get in, get the job done, and get out before she broke down and started crying. She did better than I expected but she was really hurting as we drove away for the final time. She actually rescued the cigarette lighter and stuffed it in her purse. Just another crazy keepsake for her Woman Cave.
Just after the accident she actually considered refusing the settlement from the insurance company, bringing the car home, and spending a great deal of money to repair it. It took me quite some time to explain that she was thinking about spending almost twice what the car was worth to repair it. Then we would have a ten year old partially rusted POS. I was on the verge of losing my freaking mind.
Thank God she finally was able to think it through and make the decision to move on with her life without “her baby”. Our day with the car dealerships was just as you would imagine, a lot of smooth talking BS mixed in with a few semi-truthful facts to help confuse the issue. We found a couple of possible candidates and hopefully within a week she’ll make her final decision. The accident was bad enough but another day of car hunting and car salesmen could persuade me to violence.
OMG
I realize that a large portion of our society hangs on every word and deed of our ever growing ranks of celebrities. From the beards on Duck Dynasty to the endless supply of idiot groups of wives from what seems like every city in the country. Unless people hear the information directly from a celebrity on Twitter it has no validity. They’re experts on every subject from the environment to politics and need to be constantly in the lime light so none of us can ever forget how smart they think they are.
Bear in mind when you read the following quotes from our wannabe Mensa members of the celebrity corp. They spew such utter nonsense as you’ll soon read, take a sip of water, and then begin to explain the State of the Union, as they see it. This is what happens when semi-smart talented singers with too much time and money on their hands get bored.
The folks I’m listing here are just the tip of the ice berg. They’re all singers who’s second most important priority is to be seen and heard as often as possible in the Media. I actually like some of their music but OMG shut up about everything else.
- Christina Aguilera
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On clothes: “I wouldn’t feel right wearing clothes covering my body.”
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“So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?”
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“I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.”
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After a wardrobe malfunction: “OMG my pussy is hanging out.”
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“I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.”
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“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
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Before entering rehab: “I just want one day off when I can go swimming and eat ice cream and look at rainbows.”
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“I’m not anorexic. I’m from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I’ve never heard of one. And that includes me.”
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On tuna: “Is this chicken or is this fish?”
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Whitney Houston, on crack: “Crack is cheap. I make too much money to ever smoke crack. Let’s get that straight. OK? We don’t do crack. We don’t do that. Crack is whack.”
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Kellie Pickler, on ‘Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader’: “I thought Europe was a country?”
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Ricky Martin: “I love giving the golden shower. I’ve done it before in the shower. It’s, like, so sexy”.
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Lil’ Wayne, on studying: “I learned this from a college graduate. She’d smoke a joint the night before a test, while she was studying, and then again in the morning and everything she had read would come right back. I tried this shit five times and I swear to God, I’ve never made less than a 92.”
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Ozzy Osbourne, on subtitles: “I think MTV should consider using subtitles. Half the time, even I can’t understand what the fuck I’m talking about.”
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Melissa Etheridge, after winning an Oscar: “This is the only naked man that will ever be in my bedroom.”
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Kanye West, on his legacy: “I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade. I will be the loudest voice.”
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Axl Rose: "It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.”
Keep all of this in mind as these celebrities and hundreds of others stare back at you from your TV set and tell you how to eat, drink, live, love, exercise, who to vote for, and what rehab facility is the best. Take their rehab advice but go on about your life making your own decisions.
I thought a little humor might be nice with Hump Day approaching. I just heard on the news that yesterday Amazon purchased the Washington Post newspaper for two hundred million dollars. I thought Amazon as a company was a lot smarter than that. Newspapers are failing all over the country with their readership moving steadily to on-line sources but maybe they know something I don’t (which is likely) and I wish them a lot of luck.
That newspaper story got me thinking about how inept many newspapers have become since their hay-day. Stories faked, pictures Photo Shopped, and numerous grammatical and spelling errors becoming a regular feature. With that in mind here are a few headlines from actual newspapers that couldn’t be more ridiculous or funny. I hope none of the newspaper associates responsible for these headlines end up working for Amazon.
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Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
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Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
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NJ judge to Rule on Nude Beach
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Smokers are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency
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Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
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Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One
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William Kelly was Fed Secretary
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Farmer Bill Dies in House
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Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
How ‘s that for ten samples of really terrible professional editing. I can’t believe these headlines actually made the published newspapers but they did. Here are a few more:
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Miners Refuse to Work After Death
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War Dims Hope for Peace
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Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn’t Seen in Years
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Man is Fatally Slain
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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
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Eye Drops Off Shelf
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Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
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Child’s Stool Great for Use in Garden
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Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
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Panda Mating Fails – Veterinarian Takes Over
The hits just keep on coming and there seems to be an almost endless supply of these carelessly thought out headlines. All of the available journalism training these days seems to be more concerned with creating another Watergate than spelling properly or just making good old common sense.
- Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let’s Resolve to Do Better
- Stiff Opposition Expected to Graveyard Plan
- Lack Of Brains Hinders Research
- Policeman Help Dog Bite Victim
- Man Denies He Committed Suicide
- Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
- Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
- Prisoners Escape After Execution
- No Cause Of Death Determined For Beheading Victim
- Jury Suspects Foul Play In Death Of Man Shot, Burned & Buried In Shallow Grave
I can’t continue with this any longer. The more I read the crazier it makes me. If I had submitted things like this to my high school English teacher, Ms. Walters, she would have rolled it up and smacked me across the head with it. Maybe that’s the kind of thing missing from our current journalism schools.
Welcome back to the next installment of E.U.T. (Every Useless Thing) University’s on-line education program. It’s the best known reservoir for totally useless knowledge and through our detailed courses of study we will explain many of those things that have puzzled mankind for centuries. Here are lesson plans #5 and #6. These topics are not common knowledge but we at E.U.T.U have searched for and found the truth just for you.
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Lesson #5 – How Did the “Missionary Position” Get It’s Name?
The missionary position is a position for sexual intercourse in which the man and woman lie facing each other, with the man on top of the woman. It is probably the best-known sexual position has been adopted by people for centuries.
The name of the position is widely thought to be derived from the early European missionaries, who discovered that native people in the New World were employing other unorthodox positions, such as the man penetrating the woman from behind. The missionaries taught the natives that couples facing each other was the only position that was acceptable to God (because it was more intimate, enabling both partners to see and kiss each other) and that any other position was considered unnatural. It is generally thought that these teachings were carried out by St. Paul who believed that the woman should be underneath the man during intercourse, while St. Augustine also taught that any other position was a sin against nature.
The term was first recorded in its popular definition in the 1960’s.
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Isn’t it amazing that so many of our current issues concerning sex and procreation were caused by a handful of prudish and allegedly holy men who passed it down to the “free love generation”. That irony at it’s very best.
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Lesson #6 – What is the G Spot and Where is It?
The G spot is a small area in a woman’s vagina that, when stimulated, is said to give her intense orgasms. It’s named after its discoverer Ernest Grafenberg, a German physician who conducted research on that area of the vagina in the 1950’s. In recent years.
The G spot is said to be located on the upper front vaginal wall, close to where the urethra joins the bladder. While its exact position can vary, it is commonly situated 2 to 3 inches inside the vagina, directly behind the pubic bone. It is the size of a small coin and has a spongy texture, distinguishing it from the otherwise smooth vaginal wall. Many women have difficulty in finding it, and some cannot find it at all.
The G spot is usually very sensitive and is capable of hardening and swelling. When pressure is applied to it, it can stimulate the need to urinate, and it might be the organ responsible for female ejaculation. One theory for the existence of this phenomenon is that during childbirth the head of the child pushes on the G spot, triggering the ejaculation, which lubricates the birth canal and helps with the final phase of birth.
Many people still maintain that the G spot doesn’t exist, or that it doesn’t contribute to orgasms in women. Others, meanwhile, claimed that it is part of the clitoris, the nerves of which penetrate deep below the surface.
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For all you men out there you can no longer deny the G spot’s existence or that you can’t to find it. The teachers from E.U.T.U. have spent countless hours and endless searching to find that magical spot, to map its location, and to supply that information to you. So guys, get off your ass and get out there and find that most important of female erogenous zones and don’t stop until you’ve been successful or you die trying.
These lessons will continue into many interesting areas that we at E.U.T.U. have been diligently researching. They will be published as soon as possible after being received in order to keep you up to speed. Your very welcome!
CLASS DISMISSED
Tomorrow is August fifth and a truly important day for both National and International observances. Being a Leo myself I sometimes feel that the Month of August gets way more of the crappy observances compared to some other months. I wish I could remedy that but some things are beyond my power to fix.
There are three observances for tomorrow that need to be highlighted. The first is International Beer Day. My better-half celebrates this day like it’s Christmas in August. I’ll be waist deep in empties in no time at all. The second observance is National Oyster Day. I’ve been a big fan of eating oysters for many years and I must tell that that I’ve even spit my share of oysters out car windows as a kid. If you don’t understand that last statement there’s no hope for you at all. The third observance is National Underwear Day. I’m more a fan of a No Underwear Day but that’s just me. In my humble opinion this observance applies more to women than men because Victoria Secret has made it permissible to ogle and gawk at women in underwear. By the way, thank you Victoria.
In order to celebrate these three observances properly I’ll start tomorrow off with a cold beer as soon as I wake up and roll out of bed. I’ve never tried Cheerios with beer but I might give it a whirl. I hate the taste of beer and hopefully the cereal would help it along. I’ll then shower, dry, and moisten my beautiful body and attack the day wearing my finest pair of Incredible Hulk underwear. They’ll be a little tight but that lovely green color males my blue eyes look a little greener. I’ll take my better-half to lunch at Ken’s Seaford where can slurp down a dozen oysters at the raw bar. After that we can cruise through the coastal communities and every so often open the window and deposit an oyster or two along the berm. If you don’t understand that last statement then there’s no hope for you.
We have hundreds, possibly thousands of these observances thanks in part to our fine collection of legislators. It’s a our duty as American citizens to proudly support and celebrate these observances in a proper fashion. Where is your national pride and patriotic zeal when we need it.
GO, CELEBRATE, ENJOY !
I decided to write a few things about the never ending homeless issue not just in this country but around the world. I’ll offer no personal opinions either way and let you figure it out on your own. Most of the available data on the homeless is published by organizations created just to supplying them with food and shelter. They seem a bit slanted to me but you can decide for yourselves. Let’s start with this:
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A fifth of all homeless people have committed a crime to get off the streets.
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A survey also finds that 28% of homeless women have taken an ‘unwanted sexual partner’ in order to find shelter.
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One in five of those surveyed said they had committed ‘an imprisonable offense with the express purpose of receiving a custodial sentence as a means of solving their housing problems.
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Unwanted sex has become a way out of homelessness for many. One in seven men and 28% of women had spent a night – or longer – with an unwanted sexual partner to "accommodate themselves".
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Others have ventured into prostitution, with almost a fifth of women taking up "sex work" because this offered an opportunity to spend the night off the streets.
Do you feel more like opening your heart’s and your wallets to save these poor wretches? If not keep reading.
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While it is a common belief that people who end up being homeless do so because of their lack of interest in keeping a steady job, the truth is that many homeless people were actually working at the time they lost their homes.
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A lack of affordable housing has been a primary reason for homelessness for the last two decades. This is especially true in large cities, where the cost of rent has increased to the point where people making minimum wage are no longer able to afford rent, especially if living on their own.
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There are an estimated 5 million homeless in the United States, of which about 56 percent have some sort of shelter, such as a car or the ability to pay for a motel room, at least part of the time. Of the total number of homeless, 66 percent are single white males. Women, families and teenagers follow close behind. There is an equal number of whites and African American homeless but only a small percentage of Hispanics (11 percent) and Native Americans (8 percent) without a roof over their heads.
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A high percentage (up to 25 percent) of people living on the streets suffer from some type of mental illness, with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia being the most common. Public-funded health benefits designed to help those with mental illness are in short supply, and many people who are not deemed a danger to others are left on the streets because there is no enough space for them in state clinics.
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One common myth regarding homeless people is that they have been living in the streets forever. The truth is that a large percentage of homeless people are without a roof only temporarily.
I can only ask the questions I want answers to. Who was responsible for the closing of mental facilities across the country? Who decided to dump thousands of mentally ill people onto the streets? Who is responsible for the continuing lobbying in Washington for tax money that is to be used to help them? How much of each dollar of that tax money actually trickles it’s way down to the homeless. It can’t be much since they all seem to be panhandling with a vengeance.
My last little tidbit is the story about one Gary Thompson. Read it and weep. I’m not sure who is more stupid, Thompson or the morons who are slowly making him a millionaire.
He’s in a wheelchair, and gets his money by making you feel sorry for him. Gary Thompson, says he rakes in 60,000 to 100,000 dollars a year begging. He is in a wheelchair, because he has difficulty walking, but his speech isn’t slurred and his arms are fully functioning. Thompson is not the man he makes himself out to be.
"I appreciate you guys busting me," Thompson says as he laughs. "Yeah, I’m really good at it, really good. I clear about 100,000 dollars a year doing this." Thompson goes on to tell us, "I am normal, it just helps to be mentally handicapped." Thompson is banking on the fact you’ll feel sorry for him, enough to give him your hard-earned money.
Thompson has now been exposed, but he doesn’t seem worried, or remorseful. He was caught him on camera trying his act again, after he was arrested, right outside police headquarters. It doesn’t look like he’s going to stop this anytime soon: "Hey I love y’all!" Thompson says, looking right into the camera. "Keep paying me! I’ll see you on the street!"
On another note, Thompson used to be a millionaire. His mother sued Honda in 1993 after he was injured in a motorcycle accident. He got 2.4 million dollars, money he says he blew.
Remember all this information and also remember my cynical position the next time your approached and guilted or intimidated into giving them your money.
Gardening. It sounds so easy but in reality it’s not. I’d probably be more obsessed with it if I were a full fledged farmer who was supporting his family with what he could successfully produce. Being a part-time gardener gives me a great deal of satisfaction and almost as much aggravation.
Each spring my better-half and I spend a lot of time deciding what to grow, soil preparation, and how to process the things we’ll be consuming next winter. One of our goals has always been to grow what we want without the use of insecticides and other chemicals. To do that successfully for a couple of amateurs is difficult and at times impossible.
This year the weather’s been fairly well balanced with enough rain to keep watering to a minimum. Along with sufficient amounts of water comes sufficient amounts of slugs, bugs, grubs, and other visiting wildlife. It then becomes a full time job to maintain a decent level of control over the garden. Unforeseen problems make themselves known without warning and must be dealt with as quickly as possible.
For instance, I use a black fabric to cover the garden to prevent weeds from taking over. The fabric is expensive but in the long run will save hours of unnecessary efforts throughout the summer. Not this year. I bought what I thought was a product that will hinder weeds and allow water and nutrients to seep through. Buyer Beware. We are now more than half way through the growing season and my fabric purchase was a total scam. The weeds have grown under the fabric and now have penetrated into the sunlight. The fabric has virtually dissolved into nothingness in spots. This will make my end-of-season cleanup extremely difficult and time consuming. My only thought right now is that Home Depot blows. How can such a large company supply a product of such low caliber without some sort of pretesting before it hits the shelves. I guess I’ll be just like the prodigal returning to Lowe’s with my tail between my legs.
Let me tell you a little something about slugs. Not only are they disgusting, there are millions of them and they’re always hungry. They can strip a garden in short order if not controlled by insecticides. This year we were forced to give in and use a commercial product to kill as many of those little bastards as possible. I won’t even begin to explain my thoughts on the effing tomato worms. They’re green, voracious, fat, and make a satisfying "pop" when you step on them.
The cucumber patch is loaded already with dozens of future pickles and hundreds of blooms indicating a lot of canning in my future. Tomorrow will be my first official canning day of 2013. With any luck I’ll be canning approximates 15 pints of hot Bread & Butter pickles and four experimental pints of Kool Aid pickles. The Kool Aid pickles are something new I’m trying where you mix your dill brine with a double package of Cherry Kool Aid. It gives you a kosher dill pickle with a sweet cherry taste in a bright red pickle. It sounds crazy I know but a mixture of sweet and sour is one of my favorite taste combinations. I just hope it works and isn’t a little too bizarre making people afraid to even try it. We shall see.
I guess I can stop complaining now. I’ll get a good nights sleep and be ready to hit the ground running in the morning. A day of hot boiling water, pots of brine, and a huge pile of sliced cucumbers and jalapeño peppers. A fun day to be sure. The Fall harvest is finally beginning.
When’s the last time you found it necessary to visit your local ER (Emergency Room)? Due to my law enforcement background I’ve found it necessary to visit them many times. On it’s best day it’s a terrible place. The people that work there are amazing but that constant stream of injured and dying humanity weighs heavily on a person. In my experience hospital workers are much like cops who develop a bizarre sense of humor necessitated by the constant shadow of death and injuries they must deal with.
What I have for you today is a list of actual quotations received in ER’s across this country. I’ve tried to collect the humorous or silly but that isn’t really the point of this posting.
I’ve been bitching and complaining about Obamascare for many months as are many others. Our own government has done it’s studies and has already determined that healthcare costs will soon be skyrocketing. Read the following information not as medical humor but the reason for much of that anticipated cost increase. Our ER’s are overrun with nonsensical requests from a wide variety of people. We have the homeless, the illegals, and members of many state Medicaid organizations. You come in with a simple rash on your ass and by the time you leave the ER they’ve run a few thousand dollars worth of unnecessary tests which are then charged back to state or federal government agencies. In my opinion it’s just a simple way for hospitals to attempt to recoup some of their ER expenses.
Think back to the days of old when hospital Emergency Rooms were actually for emergencies. Today’s ER’s more closely resemble flophouses, child care facilities or places to lounge around. Welcome to our new reality.
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“I ran out of liquor so I decided to detox.”
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”I smoked some bad crack and now I feel dizzy.”
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”I stepped on a Nazi landmine and felt all the bones in my legs sucked out.”
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”My arm tingles on Wednesdays.”
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”I’ve had back pain for seven years.”
- " My pussy is sad."
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”See any bugs in my hair, I asked someone who wasn’t high to look and he saw them too.”
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”My dog ate my toe.”
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”I have gentile warts.”
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“I got a Cadillac in my eye.”
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”I drank a bunch of yellow Listerine and feel sick. I was careful not to drink the green kind ’cause that can make you toxic.”
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"My sweat stinks."
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"My chest hurt the other day so I took some crack to make it feel better. I didn’t think it worked"
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"My clit is swollen."
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”I have friction burns on my penis.”
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"I have bumps on my butt part and pee hole."
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"I got a thang on my hang-low"
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"I have a rash that isn’t here right now, but sometimes it shows up in the evening, I went to the dermatologist but it disappeared again when we got there."
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”My left ear tingles on Tuesdays.”
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"The tip of my tongue has been burning for three years."
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"I have little bumps on my clit."
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"I have little bugs in my vagina."
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"I need a rectal."
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"One of my labia is bigger than the other"
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"My kitty got the stank."
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“My baby done drank a strawberry douche."
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"I’ve got a pager up my ass."
There’s a quick look at our future. How this healthcare fiasco was ever passed through Congress is the question we should be asking. Get out your wallets folks and prepare to pay through the nose for the rest of your life.
Have a wonderful day.
everyuselessthing.com 