Archive for the ‘Bitch & Complain’ Category
If you’ve read this blog regularly you know I never miss an opportunity to ridicule and tweak the noses of celebrities and the people who worship the ground they walk on. In my travels on the Internet and while perusing through my collection of books I’ve compiled a few tidbits of information on some of our more famous celebrities to help expel some of the mysteries they spend years wrapping themselves in. They’re just folks like everyone else no matter how hard they try not to be.
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Actor James Earl Jones, the voice of Darth Vader in Star Wars, stuttered so badly as a child and he had to communicate by writing notes.
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Japanese American actor Pat Morita, star of the Karate Kid and Happy Days, suffered from spinal tuberculosis as a child and spent nine years confined to bed.
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Actor Walter Brennan (1894 – 1974) started his career in Hollywood by doing a voiceover for a donkey.
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Television star Vanna White of the show Wheel of Fortune claps an average of 720 times per show. And she has walked more than 443 miles on the show since 1982.
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During most of the time that actor Raymond Burr played Perry Mason, he never owned a television set.
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Spencer Tracy’s 1937 Oscar for Best Actor was mistakenly engraved with the name “Dick Tracy”.
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Hollywood actress Ava Gardner left a trust fund of several million dollars, her mansion, and a personal maid to her dog, Morgan.
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Tarzan star Johnny Weissmuller had a contract that stipulated he had to weigh 190 pounds or less, and for every pound over 190 he was docked $5000 – up to $50,000 a day.
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At the age of 82, actor Kirk Douglas made his 82nd film.
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Horror film star Bela Lugosi was buried in his favorite Dracula cape.
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American actress Joan Crawford had a contract with MGM Studios that stipulated the time she had to be in bed each night.
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Actor James Dean was still receiving fan mail two years after his death.
I could list another hundred snippets on more recent celebrities with even weirder things but with the social networks these days you already know most of that gossip. I’ll save a few of those for another day. I can only hope that all of you celebrity worshipers out there are able to maintain some sort of normal perspective when dealing with them. I’m just kidding myself but I can still hope.
I’m adding this photo for my own sake. While I’m not a celebrity chaser I might be convinced to chase this one.
OMG!!!
As a young man I was known for never listening to figures of authority up to and including my parents. Now that I’m older and somewhat wiser I realize that was a mistake. I guess hind sight is always 20/20 as they say. In my younger days I ignored everyone’s advice and paid a heavy price for my youthful arrogance. The adage “Live and learn” is no joke.
It’s still our responsibility as reasonable adults and voting citizens to pass what we know along to our kids and even our politicians. At some point the young people will become older and wiser and may have an interest in the things we say if we’ve been previously proven correct. Most of the politicians these days show their arrogance by failing to listen to their constituency and will pay the price for that arrogance by being voted out of office. We can’t make anyone listen but we do have the responsibility as voters to make the information available to them regardless. So peruse these quotations and glean whatever information you can from them. I only wish our representatives could put their ego’s on the back-burner for a change and admit that they could learn a little something from their predecessors.
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“We the people are the rightful masters of both Congress and the courts, not to overthrow the Constitution but to overthrow the men who pervert the Constitution.” Abraham Lincoln
“A friend is one who has the same enemies as you have.” Martin Luther King Jr.
“In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” Albert Einstein
“Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.” Plato
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” Albert Einstein
“Those who say religion has nothing to do with politics do not know what religion is.” Mahatma Gandhi
“Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth.” Albert Einstein
LIVE AND LEARN
I think of myself on most days as a fair and honest thinking person. It’s the way I like to be treated therefore it’s how I try to treat people I meet. With that in mind I thought I would make one more try to understand our Islamic brothers and sisters without painting them all with the “Terrorist Brush”. I didn’t say it would be easy but I’m willing to make the attempt one more time.
I’m a patriotic American and the anger than I hold inside myself is in response to terrorism in general and 9/11 in particular. It’s now been a dozen years since the 9/11 attacks and that anger hasn’t abated in the least. Let me go back to that time and explain.
I had just become unemployed when the company I worked for went bankrupt. I was sitting on my coach watching the entire attack from start to finish, unable to move or take my eyes from the screen. I wasn’t alone. there were millions of others doing the same damn thing.
A week of so later I decided to learn as much as I could about our new Islamic enemies and the alleged reasons for their actions. The first thing I did was to read the Koran from cover to cover. It’s much like the Bible and the Talmud where it’s intentionally written in such a way as to allow a lot of room for interpretation. I visited certain Islamic web-sites and read ream after ream of supposed religious quotations designed to entice non-thinking individuals into idiotic actions. I was confused almost immediately because almost none of what I was reading was found in the Koran as they claimed. As with some Christian sects, words from ancient texts were intentionally misquoted and corrupted and made to fit the extremist views of the writer.
Looking at history the Islamic culture at one time was the leader in almost everything including but not limited to the scientific, education, astronomy, and hundreds of others areas. They ruled most of the civilized world for centuries and did a pretty decent job of it. They were murderous and ruthless but so was everyone else including the Christians at that time.
Jump ahead to the present day and things have changed dramatically. They are no longer the “Big Dog” and anyone not with them must convert or die. It’s truly a moronic approach but it’s what the extremists have chosen. It should be stated clearly that worldwide they kill more of their own people than anyone else which I can’t even begin to understand.
The following quotations are Islamic proverbs which would be perfectly acceptable to almost anyone of any religion. Ninety percent of the Islamic people are hard working and only interested in leading a good life and raising their families, just like everyone else. These proverbs prove that for me. Read them for yourselves and decide.
“It is wise to bring some water, when one goes out to look for water.’
“Habit is the 6th sense that overrules the other.”
”Paradise can be found on the back of horses, in books and between the breasts of women.”
‘If you have much, give of your wealth; If you have little, give of your heart.”
“Marriage is like a fort, those who are in want out, those who are out want in.”
“A fat woman is a blanket for winter.”
“A woman can hide her love for 40 years, but her disgust and anger not for one day”.
“Even a one eyed guy will wink at a beautiful woman.”
“Love sees sharply, hatred sees even more sharp, but jealousy sees the sharpest for it is love and hate at the same time.”
“When you shoot an arrow of truth, dip its point in honey.”
“Lie to a liar, for lies are his coin; steal from a thief, for that is easy; lay a trap for a trickster and catch him at first attempt, but beware of an honest man”
“Anything that happens once does not necessarily happen again, everything that happens twice is likely to happen for the third time as well.”
“On the day of victory no one is tired.”
“Fear can make a donkey attack a lion.”
“God can see a black ant walk on a black stone in a black night.”
“Fear those who are afraid of you.”
“We learn little from our successes, but a lot from our failures”
Now that I’ve given them credit where it is due I must in good faith throw a huge and important criticism in their collective faces. Until the ninety percent of reasonable Muslim’s decide to stand up and denounce that extremist ten percent there can be no peace. I want to see the Islamic population of every little mosque on the planet take a stand against the murder of innocents for political gain. They continue to stay quiet because of their fear of retaliation from the extremists and at the same time insist on whining and crying about the bad treatment they receive from non-Muslims. You can’t have it both ways. Period. End of story.
I discovered the following list while roaming around the Net yesterday. I’m known for being sarcastic at times especially when writing about our female counterparts who tend to bring out the devil in me. The “Battle of the Sexes” is something I take very seriously and I feel that it’s my job to defend my gender. I think it’s only fair to make sure that women don’t get an unfair upper-hand in the amount of sarcastic BS they circulate about men. I promise to do my very best to keep us men on an even keel with them.
For some reason sarcasm irritates the hell out of many women except for when they’re spewing it themselves. This list of “Reasons It’s Good to Be a Women”" appear to have been written by a sarcastic and mean-spirited female sexist. Since she seems to have gone over the edge with her comments I thought I should respond in kind. I’m not saying she’s a man hater but it’s certainly someone who must has been dumped recently or has a string of failed relationships that fueled her anger and sarcasm. I hope you enjoy this item-by-item comparison written by a somewhat sarcastic man who definitely has had a few failed relationships along the way. Enjoy.
“Reasons It’s Good to be a Woman”
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We got off the Titanic first. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
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Taxis stop for us.
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We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
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No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
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We don’t have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
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If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
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We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
8. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
9. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
10. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
11. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
12. We will never regret piercing our ears.
13. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
14. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren’t listening anyway.
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Am I right? Does she sound just a little bitter? No doubt in my mind she has issues she’s not dealing with all that well. I think it’s time for my contribution to this discussion in a much more rational and male manner. I’ll address her points one-by-one.
“Reasons Why It’s Better to Be a Man”
1. We don’t get and complain about gynecological disorders but if we had to listen to our women explain them, then we’d probably jump off the Titanic voluntarily.
2. We have vehicles and require no taxis.
3. We don’t need to dance to display the goods. Here they are.
4. We may wear the occasional Speedo at the beach but we never go to Walmart in a dirty pink sweat suit with Hot & Juicy printed across the ass.
5. We pass gas which eases our pain and keeps us from becoming as mean and disagreeable than our gas-pained female friends and lovers.
6. We love to shave, it makes us clean and neat, not hairy and scary like some of the girls.
7. We have the maturity and passion to show our male friends the “Thrill of Victory” and the “Agony of Defeat” without worrying about what our homophobic female friends think.
8. We don’t reach down to touch ourselves to make sure our junk is still there. We do that for those females with a short attention span so they won’t forget where the goods really are.
9. We dress ourselves in a simple manner because if it’s too complicated our poor female lovers can’t figure a way to remove our clothing.
10. We talk to the opposite sex because we have the unique ability to accurately picture them naked.
11. We won’t marry someone 20 years older than us because that would make us look like an idiot.
12. We will never regret much of anything, EVER.
13. We carry a supply of chocolates with us at all times to entice the welcoming chocoholic females into a gooey, chocolate, and messy sex romp.
14. We can say almost anything we want in the presence of women because they’re too busy yakking it up with each other to hear what we have to say.
15th and Most Important: WE HAVE CUSTODY OF THE PENIS. With that in our favor we really own most women except for the occasion Lesbian. But even they find it necessary at times to make detailed replicas of the penis for their amusement and the amusement of their partners.
MEN RULE
(Sarcasm Off)
As I’ve mentioned previously my better-half’s daughter is a Math teacher in one of our local Middle Schools. I love listening to her war stories when we get together because I envy her at times. Nothing is more important than education and the interaction with the students is what I consider a major perk. Unfortunately some students take a little longer to get their act together as you will see in the following short essays. All errors in spelling and grammar remain as they were written. They will make you smile.
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The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
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The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinnesss, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother’s son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother’s birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
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Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
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Without the Greeks we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns – Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
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Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
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In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
They made me laugh a little and took me to a whole new level of respect for teachers. Molding these youngsters into intelligent and thoughtful human beings is quite the challenge and I’m just glad there are people out there who’ve been called to the teaching profession. Just amazing.
And last but not least I’d like to acknowledge and thank my newest followers. I encourage you to visit their sites and to enjoy their efforts as I do. Thanks again.
frainkey
likedandsharedthis
solberg73
kayleighmahon
Tanner Hawryluk
jamesneed
bettersexadvice
The business of being a one-legged invalid continues. It’s been two weeks since the accident and I’m going out of my mind being trapped in this house. I’m spending a great deal of time surfing the net but even that wears on you after a while. I’m also sick and tired of hearing about Obama and Obamacare.
It’s always been said that you can tell how a politician or his programs are really doing just by listening to the late night comedians. For years that’s been a much more accurate way to gauge things than polling. Why spend hundreds of thousands of dollars a year of our hard earned tax dollars on polling when you all you really need to do is tune in and listen to Jay Leno’s monologues.
I loved Johnny Carson’s ability to slam and ridicule politicians with a grin on his face and his audience laughing their collective asses off. In some ways Leno and his writers are almost as good. They never miss an opportunity to cut through the administrations BS and get to the real point in a funny manner. To me and millions of others this Obamacare program isn’t the least bit funny but as a last resort I’ll take the truth anyway I can find it. Here’s a collection of some recent Jay Leno one-liners that explain Obama and Obamacare perfectly. They’re funny and sad at the same time.
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"The Obama White House website still says if you like your health plan, you can keep it. That’s false, of course. The president says they’re trying to correct it, but his website people can’t seem to log on."
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"President Obama said he is sorry that some Americans have lost their existing health coverage due to Obamacare. I think he’s getting a little desperate. Today he said if you like your complete lack of coverage, you can keep your complete lack of coverage."
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"President Obama’s approval rating is down to 39 percent. And Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who admitted to smoking crack cocaine, went up to 49 percent. How does this make Obama feel? He’d be better off smoking crack than passing Obamacare."
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"According to CBS News, only six people enrolled in Obamacare on the first day of the rollout. Six! That means more people have walked on the moon than have signed up for Obamacare."
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"Con artists are using Obamacare confusion to sign people up for fake health insurance. The scammers lure victims with false promises like, ‘If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep your healthcare plan.’ The scammers will tell you that, so you have to be careful."
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"There was some good news today for embattled Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. Obamacare will cover all her injuries after the White House throws her under the bus. She is totally covered."
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"For years President Obama has been saying that no one would lose their healthcare plan. Now the White House has admitted that in fact many people will lose their plans. But there is a way to keep the great coverage you have. Just become a member of Congress. Then the taxpayers pay for the whole thing."
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"The White House now says the Obamacare website will be fixed by the end of November. So if your doctor has only given you three weeks to live, sorry pal."
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"Today there were more problems with the Obamacare website. It seems when you type in your age, it’s confusing because it’s not clear if they want the age you are right now, or the age you’ll be when you finally log in."
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"I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don’t think I’m doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold ‘Em."
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"According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it’s simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to."
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"We’ve got the government shutdown, but the beginning of Obamacare. You know what that means? You can now complain to your doctor about the government making you sick."
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"Before they went on vacation, Congress voted to exempt themselves from Obamacare. They gave themselves a special exemption because they thought it was too expensive. So the people who voted for Obamacare for us voted to exempt themselves from it. You know how doctors take the Hippocratic Oath. Congress apparently takes the ‘Hypocritic Oath.’"
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"The White House approved an exemption in Obamacare coverage for Congress and members of their staff. Members complained that the Affordable Care Act will cost them thousands extra a year in premiums. Wait a minute. It’s their bill. If it’s too expensive, why did they name it the Affordable Care Act?"
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"The Obama administration has admitted that under Obamacare, you might not be able to keep your doctor. At first the president guaranteed you’d be able to keep your doctor, and now they’re saying you ‘might’ be able to. Today Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes we can’ to ‘Perhaps we could try. Can’t promise anything."
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"President Obama told a group of school children that broccoli was his favorite food, and they believed him. Then he told them Obamacare would reduce the deficit and the kids all busted out laughing."
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"This week will mark the 37th time House Republicans have tried to repeal Obamacare. If Republicans really wanted to do away with Obamacare they should just endorse it as a conservative non-profit and let the IRS take it down."
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"Congratulations to President Obama on being reelected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare."
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"If you’re an illegal immigrant in Arizona hoping to become a citizen so you can get free healthcare, this is the greatest week of your life."
You have to admit that hearing about one of the worst political nightmares to hit this country in decades is best done with humor. It’s way better than listening to me whine and cry and reiterate my feelings for this failed Presidency.
What possesses we humans with the need to continuously shorten our language. LOL, OMG, and others were created primarily because of Twitter and other social networks. 140 characters leave very little space for actual coherent thoughts. I’d like to take you back a few years to when this craziness really got rolling. STAT and ASAP are two oldies I learned during hospital visits to see my mother at age 10 or 12 and here are a few more.
The list is endless but this countries businesses are as responsible for many of the more ridiculous acronyms as anyone. You have KISS, UNIVAC, NABISCO, NECCO, WYSIWYG, and MS-DOS just to name a few. Do you know what they all mean? I’ll just bet you don’t.
Never let it be said that the government didn’t help the cause. They’re the worst especially in the armed services. DEFCON, NORAD, ZIP code, OSHA, NATO, RADAR, SCUBA, SCUD, WAC, AWOL, SAC, SEALS, and literally thousands of others. Anyone whose ever had the opportunity to speak to someone who works in the Pentagon needs an accomplished translator who is trained in Gov-Speak. SALT, SNAFU, SONAR, AWACS, TNT, and the endless list continues.
You could work for HUD but not before they check your SSN, DOB, and GPA. On your off time you could join NOW, UNESCO, UNICEF, or get bogged down with other WOMBAT stuff.
Take a flight, OVER, OUT, ROGER, and WILCO. Get sick and be subjected to an MRI or EKG. You could end up in the ER or ICU for more serious matters.
You can make yourself crazy just trying to keep up with the ever changing acronyms. I guess this society is in such a hurry to do everything we don’t have time to say any more complete words than necessary. Before you know it we won’t have a language anymore, we’ll just communicate with nothing but acronyms. That will be a very sad day. George Orwell was a few years behind the times in many of his predictions in 1984 but some still ring true today.
Here are a few more for your edification: DNA, RNA, DOA, ETA, EST, INTERPOL, NIMBY, NASA, SONAR, TASER, LASER, and even CANOLA oil. TV, DVD, DOA, and OMFG. I’ve got to stop this foolishness immediately, it’s making me crazier than usual. I’ll be happy to supply a list tomorrow of the acronyms used in this posting and we’ll see just how many you know or think you know.
“A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life.” Charles Darwin
I know a lot of you folks are already gearing up for the holidays. The month of November begins the insanity that is Thanksgiving, Christmas, and then New Years. For me I find Veterans Day to be more important than the others. I assume that most vets feel the same way. I don’t like making a big deal out of it on this blog because for me it’s more of a private and solemn occasion. I’ll thank any vet who has served this country and I honor those who gave their lives in it’s defense. That’s all you’ll hear today from me. I see no need for patriotic songs and fancy memorials. Just a quiet minute and a bowed head and I’m good.
I expect that everyone is already being bombarded by that good old Christmas spirit since most retailers filled their shelves with Christmas cheer before Halloween. I find that unfortunate but not unexpected. I suppose it’s just a matter of time before they start pushing Christmas sometime in August. Spend, Spend, Spend! That’s becoming an almost religious mantra in this country and I don’t see it stopping anytime soon.
I made a quick review of some national observances for the month of November and it’s mind boggling. Who knew this month was so damn important. It’s also mind boggling just how much time our well paid and self-involved representatives have wasted having these observances enacted. This list is only the monthly observances. There are an additional 28 weekly and 128 daily observances I didn’t bother listing. If we truly trust in our legislators to do the right thing then we should be celebrating each and every one of them. So folks, in the future we should all take November off and party like the fools that we are. Find an observance you like and then celebrate it.
Adopt A Senior Pet Month Link
American & National Diabetes Month
American Indian Heritage Month Link (See also August)
Aviation History Month
Banana Pudding Lovers Month
Diabetic Eye Disease Month
Epilepsy Awareness Month Link
Family Stories Month Link
Gluten-Free Diet Awareness Month
Greens and Plantains Month Link
Historic Bridge Awareness Month Link
International Drum (Percussion) Month Link
Lung Cancer Awareness Month
Manatee Awareness Month Link
MADD’s Tie One On For Safety Holiday Campaign (11/16-12/31)
Military Family Appreciation Month Link
National Adoption Month
National PPSI AIDS Awareness Month
National Alzheimer’s Disease Month
National COPD Month Link
National Family Caregivers Month Link
National Georgia Pecan Month
National Home Care & Hospice Month Link
National Impotency Month Link
National Inspirational Role Models Month
National Life Writing Month
National Long-term Care Awareness Month
National Marrow Awareness Month
National Medical Science Liaison (MSL) Awareness & Appreciation Month Link
National Native American Heritage Month Link
National Family Literacy Month
National Novel Writing Month Link
National Peanut Butter Lovers Month
National Pet Cancer Awareness Month
National Pomegranate Month Link
National PPSI Aids Awareness Month
National Roasting Month Link
National Scholarship Month Link
Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month Link
Plum and Pomegranate Month Link
Prematurity Awareness Month Link
PTA Healthy Lifestyles Month Link
Spinach and Squash Month Link
Sweet Potato Awareness Month Link (See also February)
NoSHAVEmber (US – Beard Month or November (Australia – Moustache Month )
Vegan Month
Worldwide Bereaved Siblings Month
World Sponge Month
I’m exhausted just reading this list let alone paying any attention to it. With Thanksgiving on the horizon don’t forget to be thankful for our politicians of both parties for doing their part in screwing up this country like none of our enemies have been able to do. Darwin’s quote is very telling these days.
I consider myself a reasonable person with enough life experience to speak on any number of subjects. I’m like a of lot of you out there, I think I ‘m a freaking philosopher as well. The only difference is that most of the time I keep my philosophic thoughts to myself unless asked. I really dislike people who feel the need to preach at me without prompting on their thoughts on every little thing. They love explaining in great detail how to date, who to marry, how to raise children, how to eat properly, and on and on and on. Those people like nothing better than to "beat my ear" with what they think is the final word on everything. My first thought is to tell them to shut up and go away but being that frank with people these days is frowned upon. Decades of politically correct indoctrination has created this know-it-all condition in far too many people.
I can shovel out the blarney with the best of them but I realize that being an annoying prick is not on my bucket list. I’ll be the first person to admit if I need help or advice and I’ll ask for it. While I don’t like asking there are times when I must. You just have to remember that by the simple fact of asking you put yourself in the line of fire for way more information that you’ll ever need or want. It’s just the nature of the beast but it does requires that you stand there and listen to their advice no matter how stupid or inane it may be. So, rule number one: Only ask for advice as a last resort and be absolutely sure you’re asking the right person. You might be better off making a mistake than opening yourself up to the thoughts of a person whose own life experience is somewhat limited.
I’m open to the philosophy of others but prefer to read it rather than listen to it. Over the years I’ve collected different thoughts, statements and quotations, both humorous and serious, that I thought were interesting. Today I’ll pass along some of them to you. You have the option of reading them or not, it’s your choice. I’m making these tidbits available as a service that requires no additional conversation with me whatsoever.
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There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
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Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
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Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
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Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
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If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
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If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
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If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
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Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
I hope these little pearls of wisdom will aid you in your search for answers to all those questions we struggle with. Some are funny but none the less true.
Is there something truly wrong with a person who insists on punishing himself over and over again with no appreciable result to show for his efforts? I know the answer but I just can’t seem to stop myself. If anyone you know ever suggests that you buy and use a treadmill, just kick their ass immediately. Don’t wait, don’t hesitate, just do it. You won’t be sorry. It’s just an underhanded karmic plot to make you pay for some past indiscretions in this life or another.
In the past six weeks in an attempt to lose 30 pounds of ugly fat I’ve been coerced into torturing myself by those I love and who I thought loved me on a machine just one step down from waterboarding. At first I got with the program after suffering some pulled muscles and the constant reminder that I was in the worst shape of my life. It was a humbling experience to say the least but I persevered through all of the pain and humiliation. The weight began falling away as my poor taste buds began to dry up and disappear.
I’ve always loved a good salad but those days are over. It’s true what I’ve always heard. Vegans or people that eat excessive amounts of vegetables and greens smell funny. It’s amazing just how bad that vegetable smell is when converted into methane gas. It’s appalling, embarrassing, and disgusting all at the same time. God help the poor schmuck who wanders into the room where my treadmill is kept when I’m attempting to walk myself to death.
I recall a chubby old red-neck named Larry the Cable Guy who talks about his grandmother who occasionally gets a case of the walking farts while shopping. I always thought that was a funny bit until the truth ran up and smacked me in the nose. I don’t just get the walking farts, I also get the breathing farts. The treadmill has slowly become a disgusting and never-ending fart inducer with no end in sight.
It’s painful at times not just for me but for others. My cat has abandoned me. The room where the treadmill is set up was once HIS room. He’d relax there, play with his toys, and generally kick back for a few hours every day. It’s been more than three weeks since we’ve been in that room at the same time. I walk in to begin my treadmill session and he’s gone in a heartbeat. He refuses to return until I’m finished and the air has cleared. I find him avoiding me in other areas of the house as well just to be on the safe side.
I’ve walked more than fifty-five miles on that effing treadmill and produced enough methane to shame a large herd of cattle. If this continues I may become an actual environmental disaster area. The EPA could show up at anytime with their trucks, white sealed suits, and handcuffs to take me away. I really need to be placed in isolation where I can’t harm anyone but myself. It’s a sad day for my family because they are now forced to live with the shame of it all.
Oh, the sacrifices we’re forced to make for good health.
