Are you happy? Living in the 21st century can be confusing at times and utterly ridiculous almost always. I can’t even wrap my head around how people are raising children these days. It’s when my frustration gets to be too much, I revert to other times that were also screwy but not near as strange as right now. The following humor was based entirely on the 1980’s so bear that in mind as you read them. Everything is always about context. Hop on the time travel train for a few minutes and enjoy 1984. Orwell didn’t have a clue.
When should you stop fucking your girlfriend doggie style? When you catch her chasing cars.
What’s the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket? A pickpocket snatches watches.
What’s the difference between mono and herpes? You get mono from snatching a kiss.
What do you find at the bottom of girls’ undies? Clitty litter.
What’s the difference between a fox and a pig? About six beers.
What’s a box spring? An I. U. D.
Why did the stupid girl think there was something wrong with her birth control pills? They kept falling out.
Why was 6 mad at 7? Because 7-8-9
What’s Helen Keller’s favorite color? Corduroy
Who are the three most famous Chinese virgins? “Tu Yung Tu”, Tu Dum Tu”, and “No Yen Tu.
Why don’t chickens wear underwear? Because they would look fucking stupid.
What’s the difference between an epileptic corn husker and a hooker with diarrhea? An epileptic corn husker shucks between fits.
It’s a cold and miserable day here in New England and my motivations have evaporated. I’ve been surfing the web for an hour, and something occurred to me. Regardless of how well you explain something, you’re wrong. There are just so many freaking so-called experts on every topic, who knew? That last statement was as sarcastic as I can make it without losing my mind. Never let it be said that Americans don’t have a high opinion of themselves as well as an innate ability to criticize new ideas at every turn. Social media is fine but it’s a double-edged sword. You can get your ideas out there whether they are well thought out or just plain stupid and then the backlash comes. I never really understood just how stupid I was until all of these so-called experts came out of the woodwork to explain things to me. I ‘ve always felt in my heart that many of our fellow citizens are idiots filled with misinformation and conspiracy theories but thanks to social media they now have the freedom to send their bullshit to the world and to further verify what idiots they are.
It’s nothing new because know-it-all’s have always been in the background spewing their thoughts and nonsense to the world. Here are a few samples from our illustrious past.
“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy.” – from workers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to hire on his project to drill for oil in Titusville, Pennsylvania in 1859
“The concept is interesting and well formed, but in order to earn better than a “C”, the idea must be feasible.” – stated a professor of Management at Yale University, commenting on the term paper by Fred Smith which earned only a “C”. The paper outlined a plan for a reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to create the Federal Express company in 1973.
“A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.” – an unidentified response to Debbi Field’s plan to start Mrs. Field’s Cookies.
“If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that say you can’t do this.” – a statement from Spencer Silver on the work that led to the adhesives for the 3M Post-It notepads.
“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?” – a statement from Lee Iacocca, former chairman, Ford Motor Company
“Everything that can be invented has been invented.” – a statement made by Charles H. Duell, commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899
Now that the NFL season has come to a close for me, I can mourn for a few months until the baseball season starts. Then I’ll have yet another team that will tease me and disappoint me like they’ve done for 20 years and offering nothing in return. After the letdown of the Steeler loss, I decided that posting today would be a real crap shoot. Since I’m something of a science nerd, let me lay some interesting facts out for you that you may have not heard of before. No more sports postings for the foreseeable future. Let’s get started…
7% of licensed drivers in the United States are 16 and 17-year-olds, and they are responsible for 30% of all automobiles fatalities.
The driest place on Earth is Calama, in the Atacama Desert in Chile. Not a drop of rain has ever been seen there.
Using cesium atoms, the clock at the National Bureau of Standards in Washington, D.C., will gain or lose only one second in 300 years.
The lowest point that a person can get on this planet, unless he/she descends in a submarine, is where the Jordan River enters the Dead Sea – 1298 below sea level.
In terms of the resources he will use in his lifetime and the pollution he will cause; one citizen of the United States is the equivalent of approximately 80 citizens of India.
Modern archaeologists have not yet agreed on how large a crowd the Coliseum in Rome could hold in its glory days. One authority estimates 50,000, but about 45,000 is the generally accepted figure.
An acre of typical farm soil (to a depth of 6 inches) has a ton of fungi, several tons of bacteria, 200 pounds of protozoa (one celled animals) and 100 pounds of yeast.
To provide a modern person with all of life’s necessities and luxuries, at least 20 tons of raw materials must be dug from the earth each year.
There are 2,500,000 rivets in the Eiffel Tower.
The English astronomer Edmund Halley prepared the first detailed mortality tables, in 1693. Life-and-death could then be studied statistically, and the life insurance business was born.
I’m a bit of a tech junkie and joined the computer revolution with full time internet in 1995. I love gadgets and computers and have spent a great deal of money attempting to keep up with tech companies and their constant upgrades. I started out with Windows 2.01, and it was all downhill from there. Every time I thought I was up-to-date Microsoft would introduce a new operating system that wasn’t quite compatible with all of my expensive software products. It’s been a vicious cycle for more than 25 years. Thanks a lot Microsoft for giving me day-long headaches when dealing with your manuals and Customer Service experts. Every time an upgrade was announced I lost a little more respect for those companies who didn’t seem to give a good shit about their consumers. But as with every retail company the users are ignored, the money is collected, and the BS continues to this day. Let me be a little disrespectful to all of those billionaire nerds and their sucky attitudes. Let’s start at the beginning . . .
“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” Thomas Watson, chairman of the board, IBM, 1943
“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” Popular mechanics, 1949
“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.” An engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corporation, 1972
“640K ought to be enough computer memory for anybody”. Bill Gates, Microsoft founder, 1981
“$100 million is way too much to pay for Microsoft.” Unidentified IBM executive, 1982
And these are the people and companies that have been making billions of dollars at our expense. It just goes to show, you needn’t be too smart to befuddle the citizenry in this country or any other.
Rumor has it that yesterday was opening day for baseball. I absolutely love the game, but it’s been difficult at times to watch because I kept falling asleep and missing the best parts of the alleged action. It’s just so damn boring at times. Hopefully the new rule changes will speed things up a little but I’m always skeptical about new and unproven experiments. A pitch-count may work but I feel they shouldn’t use it during the final inning. We’ll find out soon enough if it is everything we’re being told it is. Along that same line, I look forward someday to the elimination of the home plate umpire entirely and of their questionable calls and all the drama they create. Bring on the new computer-generated home plate umpire.
Here are two pieces of baseball trivia for you.
In 1903 the first World Series was held between the Boston Americans (American League) and the Pittsburgh Pirates (National League) in a best-of-nine game series. Boston won the game and five years later rebranded themselves the Boston Red Sox.
Did you know that the first recorded game of baseball was between The New York Nine and the New York Knickerbockers in 1846. The Nine won the game 23 to 1. By 1857 the New York area clubs were playing baseball under the auspices of the National Association of Base Ball Players (NABBP), the sports very first governing body.
I’m going to do something today that I don’t normally do. That is to make a recommendation to my readers. As much as I enjoy writing this blog, I enjoy something else just as much and that’s keeping up to date with technology and all things computer related.
I invested a few hours of my time this week listening to TED Talks. I’m not sure exactly how familiar most of you are with the TED talks program but let me explain. If you really and truly want to get caught up with high technology and the direction that it’s headed, you might want to do the following. Go to website www.ted.com and in the search box, look for talks on artificial intelligence. There are seven or eight speeches given by experts from all over the world on artificial intelligence, what it currently is involved with and where it’s headed. It might frighten you a little and it should. A.I.’s are slowly taking over many of the tasks that humans can’t do as quickly and accurately, and the number is growing by leaps and bounds. It’s becoming a serious issue within the scientific community but it’s just as important to us non-scientists. Some of the information put forth through the talks is a true wake-up call to everyone.
I’d advise anyone to listen to TED talks on any given day when they have a few minutes. Over the last 10 years I’ve listened to many dozens of talks on a myriad of topics, and I’ve learned more than I ever learned in any public school or college I ever attended. I recommend that you give it a listen and hear specific and accurate information you will never hear anywhere else. What can it hurt?
I thought for this post I would reintroduce Number Freaking. If you like statistics and far out and freaky explanations of numbers, this is it. I posted about it a number of months ago and the response was excellent. It just goes to show how many freaky people are hanging around out there reading this blog. Enjoy!
WEATHER
On average there are 40-60 flashes of lightning somewhere in the world every second. 1.58 billion lightning flashes are estimated to occur each year on this planet.
At any given moment there are an estimated 2000 thunderstorms occurring worldwide.
There are an estimated 5,844,000 thunderstorms that occur each year.
It is estimated that 695,000,000,000,000 (trillion) gallons of water are unleashed by thunderstorms annually. To put that into a better perspective, Lake Michigan contains 1300 trillion gallons, Lake Huron 935 trillion, and Lake Ontario 433 trillion.
TELEVISION
One of the most expensive pilot shows on American TV was Lost, costing $12 million and the plane that provided the wreckage on the beach cost the production company $200,000.
The total running time of the TV series Friends was 99 hours and 10 minutes (238 episodes). The final episode recorded 52.5 million viewers which is somewhere between the populations of South Korea and Italy.
And for those of you who love The Simpsons their total running time amounted to 139 hours and 35 minutes.
ANT INVASION
The total number of ants on earth is estimated to be in the area of 826.8 billion tons.
It is estimated that there are 300 million trillion ants on the earth (that is 300 quintillion – followed by 20 zeros).
The highest estimate of the total number of insects on earth is at six septillions. That’s 6 trillion trillion – followed by 24 zeros).
MISCELLANEOUS
Money depreciates in value over time. Allowing for inflation a dollar from 1867 was worth about $12.50 in 2005, and a dollar from 1624 at least $20.41.
In 1867 Alaska cost the United States, $7.2 million. In modern dollars this would amount to $90 million.
In 1624 the island of Manhattan was purchased from the Indians for $24. In modern dollars that would convert to $489.84.
Isn’t “Number Freaking” just the best. Its definition explains everything simply and it’s easy to understand. “Number Freaking is something we do because we have a brain, it’s jazz math, the accountancy of the absurd, forensic speculation, surreal calculation, the art of playing with numbers just because we can.”
You mentioned number freaking a few times over the past few years and it still fascinates me. The statistics and information compiled by number for readers boggles the mind or at least my mind. Their calculations are out there a little bit but interesting, nonetheless. Here are a few to tickle your fancy.
Theoretically you would have 4.72 sextillion bacteria in your body within 24 hours of being infection by a bug.
It would take 587 ticks simultaneously sucking to suck a man dry.
The average flow of water over Niagara Falls is 1,585,032 US gallons per second. It would take Niagara Falls 119 years, 293 days, to fill all five of the Great Lakes.
It is estimated that 45,000 Americans are injured by toilets every year. That calculates out to one injury every 18 minutes, 12 seconds.
A recent TV ad for a chain of optometrists claimed we each capture 24 million images with our eyes in a lifetime. Life expectancy in the US is approximately 77 years which calculates out to 101.2 seconds per image over the course of a lifetime.
There are about 109 million US households. The total amount spent by US advertisers every year is about $248 billion, of which the amount spent annually on TV advertisement is about $57 billion. That calculates TV advertising to approximately $522.94 household.
Approximately 152,467 square miles of the United States has been urbanized.
A wireless network across all of urbanized America would cost approximately 1 dollar per week per household. It would cost approximately $22.87 billion to operate such a network.
A golf course uses the same amount of freshwater as a town of 12,000 people.
On average a person will drink 31,996.52 quarts of water in a lifetime. With an average bathtub holding 528.34 quarts of water, you would be able to fill 60.56 bathtubs.
The land area in the United States, excluding lakes, is 3,536,294 square miles. If suddenly and without warning all of America’s convicted prisoners were to escape and disperse themselves equally across the country, each felon would require 1.66 square miles of land.
This is what happens when I have a slow news day and a lack of motivation to post. I’ll throw a few more of number freaking calculations your way as time goes on and I find some that are titillating.
I think today I’d like to discuss with all of you a couple of terms that we all hear a lot of and never give much thought to when we do. The terms are dumb and stupid. Many people seem to think that these two terms are interchangeable and mean the same thing, but I disagree completely. I can’t tell you how many times in the course of my life that I’ve been called a dummy, a dumb shit, and a dumb ass. Many times, those words were used to describe me by some of my best friends and family members and were meant to be funny and sarcastic, and they were. I never took offense because I called many of them the same thing as well.
The term stupid was more derogatory than calling them dumb in my opinion. I save the word stupid for people who are no longer dumb but have moved into the stupidity ranks based on things they’ve said and actions that they’ve taken. Here are a few quotes from some relatively famous people who were anything but dumb but were exceedingly stupid if only for a moment.
“The day of the battleship has not passed, and it is highly unlikely that an airplane, or a fleet of them, could ever successfully sink a fleet of Navy vessels under battle conditions.”This statement was made by Franklin D. Roosevelt, Assistant Secretary of the Navy, 1922
“Atomic energy might be as good as our present-day explosives, but it is unlikely to produce anything very much more dangerous.” Statement made by Sir Winston Churchill, 1939
“That is the biggest fool thing we have ever done . . . The bomb will never go off, and I speak as an expert in explosives.” Statement made by Adm. William Leahy to President Harry S. Truman regarding the atomic bomb 1945
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. Statement by Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1972
I think I’ve made some kind of point here, but I’m not quite sure what it is. I guess it just means that incredibly smart and intelligent people caught at the proper moment can make dumb statements. I think calling them stupid would be unfair to most of them. Always remember though that in a pile of dumb people there could be a few sneaky stupid people just waiting to impress you.
We are deep into the Christmas season now and I’m sure that the great majority of people everywhere are spending and spending and spending. The holidays tend to put a strain on everyone’s purse especially those people with children. I thought I’d like to lighten the mood a little bit and tell you a few facts I happened upon in a book I was reading recently. As you also know I love writing about celebrities and alleged celebrities and all of their quirks and odd behaviors and that’s what I’m going to do today.
For those of us on the not-so-famous list, the following items might seem a bit much. Apparently in Hollywood their personal budgets are a touch higher than ours, and their interests are totally different. I insure my 12-year-old car, my house, my smart phone, and a sizable annual cost to protect all of my computers, tablets, and laptops. Let me now give you a list of some of your favorite celebrities, present and past, and the things they insure, it’s mind-boggling. Here we go . . .
American country and western singer and actress, Dolly Parton, insured her legendary boobs for $600,000.
Rolling Stones guitarist, Keith Richards, insured his right index finger for $1.6 million.
Australian cricket hero, Merv Hughes, insured his mustache for $38,000.
In 2006, soccer player, David Beckham, insured his entire body for $190 million.
German supermodel, actress, and singer, Heidi Klum, insured her legs for $2.2 million.
American actress, Jamie Lee Curtis, insured her legs for $1 million.
Lord of the Dance, Michael Flatley, insured his legs for $47.5 million.
American rockstar, Bruce Springsteen, insured his voice for $6 million.
I hope you don’t think this is anything unusual, because it isn’t. The habit of celebrities insuring body parts goes back many years. The numbers were a little smaller “back in the day” but at the time it was still a great deal of money. Here’s some oldies but goodies . . .
American dancer and film star, Fred Astaire, had his legs insured for $75,000 each.
British stripper, Frankie Jakeman, insured his penis for $1.6 million.
20th Century Fox film star, Betty Grable, insured each of her legs for $1 million. Hence the origin of the phrase, “million-dollar legs”.
German cabaret artist, singer, and film star, Marlene Dietrich, insured her voice for $1 million.
American actress, Bette Davis, took out a $28,000 insurance policy against putting on weight.
American singer and actor, Jimmy Durante, insured his nose for $50,000.
Hungarian food critic, Egon Ronay, insured his taste buds for $400,000.
In 1964, the Beatles, were insured for $1 million on their first US tour.
There you have it folks. Be glad you only have to insure your house, car, children, smartphones, computers, and those pesky life insurance policies for you and your spouse. As you can see it could be a lot worse if you’re one of the famous people. I certainly don’t feel sorry for them and I’m pretty sure you don’t either.
