Archive for the ‘Education’ Category
Why are farts and farting so funny? I don’t have the answer to that either but you have to admit the subject is always hilarious and 99% of the population would agree. As I’ve traveled around I’ve become attuned over time to those particular body movements when one is on the way and the ever so unusual sounds used in attempts to disguise those SBD’s (Silent But Deadly).
Yesterday was a good example. I stopped by a local Target store to pickup a few items. The place was crowded with the normal assortment of customers all roaming around doing shopping stuff. I was walking through the Kitchen Department minding my own business when I walked into a cloud of what can only be called toxic fumes. About five steps away from me was the only other occupant of the aisle and the obvious depositor of that nasty gas cloud. She refused to look at me and stood quietly staring at her shoes. If she thought playing possum was going to work she had another think coming. I slowly edged toward her as I was pretending to peruse the items on the shelf hoping to pull the cloud along with me. Of course I was holding my breath the entire time. She waited until I was very close and then glanced my way and smiled a cutesy little grin. She then squirmed a little which should have been a red flag for me and quickly walked away. I took one additional step and got nailed by another fart cloud that was so bad my eyes began watering and making it impossible to see for a few seconds. The perp had disappeared in that cloud of noxious fumes after her successful double ambush. She was one of those perverted types who love to stick around to watch their victims suffer. For someone so young she was a real pro.
My father would have been so proud of her. He was a master of filling an aisle with a nasty fart and then walking away. His farts had a "hang time" of five or six minutes which I’ve never been able to duplicate. He would stand in the next aisle and get off listening to the people gag and curse as they were enveloped. He never felt the need to stick around and see his results in person.
I felt a little violated and somewhat disgusted by her cowardly act of fart terrorism. I decided to do the normal and well thought out thing, revenge. It was time to locate and identify another unsuspecting victim and pass it on.
You need to remember that for the last two months I’ve been strictly following a diet which requires that I eat tons of vegetables. I’ve become a stinky, nasty, and disgusting fart machine. I no longer have total control of my farting and seem to be farting non-stop most of the time. I walked into the Cosmetic Department and settled in to lay my trap. An older woman and her two young daughters made the mistake of cruising through the danger zone. I laid down a path of cucumber and onion gas that was so bad I had to leave immediately. I stood nearby and waited and discovered that Mom had some mouth on her. She was gagging and cursing loudly and the two girls immediately fled the scene. They wanted that to avoid the gas cloud and also the embarrassment of their Mommy’s trash mouth. I freaking loved it.
You have to admit, that was damn funny. I know my later father is up there in heaven (maybe) and laughing his ass off. He was always big on upholding family traditions and would be happy as hell to see that I’m still carrying on one of his favorites. Now for a funny fart joke and I’m done for today.
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I’ve got the farts. I mean I fart all the time."
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can’t hear them. It’s just that I fart all the time. Look, we’ve been talking here for about 10 minutes and I’ve farted five times. You didn’t hear them and you don’t smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor.
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
One last tidbit of a few new fart euphemisms I stumbled upon:
Mud Duck
Trouser Cough
Crack Splitters
Turd Tooties
Anal Audio
Great Brown Cloud
Have a wonderful day and be careful out there. You’ll never know which aisle will be “The One” until it’s too late.
I consider myself a reasonable person with enough life experience to speak on any number of subjects. I’m like a of lot of you out there, I think I ‘m a freaking philosopher as well. The only difference is that most of the time I keep my philosophic thoughts to myself unless asked. I really dislike people who feel the need to preach at me without prompting on their thoughts on every little thing. They love explaining in great detail how to date, who to marry, how to raise children, how to eat properly, and on and on and on. Those people like nothing better than to "beat my ear" with what they think is the final word on everything. My first thought is to tell them to shut up and go away but being that frank with people these days is frowned upon. Decades of politically correct indoctrination has created this know-it-all condition in far too many people.
I can shovel out the blarney with the best of them but I realize that being an annoying prick is not on my bucket list. I’ll be the first person to admit if I need help or advice and I’ll ask for it. While I don’t like asking there are times when I must. You just have to remember that by the simple fact of asking you put yourself in the line of fire for way more information that you’ll ever need or want. It’s just the nature of the beast but it does requires that you stand there and listen to their advice no matter how stupid or inane it may be. So, rule number one: Only ask for advice as a last resort and be absolutely sure you’re asking the right person. You might be better off making a mistake than opening yourself up to the thoughts of a person whose own life experience is somewhat limited.
I’m open to the philosophy of others but prefer to read it rather than listen to it. Over the years I’ve collected different thoughts, statements and quotations, both humorous and serious, that I thought were interesting. Today I’ll pass along some of them to you. You have the option of reading them or not, it’s your choice. I’m making these tidbits available as a service that requires no additional conversation with me whatsoever.
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There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
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Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
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Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
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Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
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If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
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If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
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If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
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Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
I hope these little pearls of wisdom will aid you in your search for answers to all those questions we struggle with. Some are funny but none the less true.
I’ve spent the last year being educated by my better-half’s daughter’s pregnancy and subsequent child birth. It was quite a project from start to finish and the costs for one child being born seem to be skyrocketing each year. Hospital costs, pre and post natal costs, home improvement costs (nursery setup), and of course the never ending supply of baby food, clothing, and diapers. It’s an easy matter to drop a couple of grand to outfit the child with a bassinette, crib, high chair, walker, and the unending need for more and more toys. I haven’t tallied up a grand total because it would be more than a little scary and really depressing.
With regular visits anticipated from the kid we were also required to double up on some the necessary equipment for our home just to make life easier on all concerned. We now have a crib and enough toys to outfit a small orphanage at our place which I have the painful pleasure of tripping over if I’m not careful. I won’t even get into the costs for car seats which are just ridiculous. Have you gotten my point yet? It’s a freaking expensive proposition.
I happened upon an interesting article that might help put things into perspective. The following list was contained in an 1857 Manual of Domestic Economy and its quite a bit different than our modern day list of required goodies for newborns. Have a look.
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1. A low chair, with or without rockers.
2. A footstool.
3. Two thick flannel aprons.
4. One large washing basin.
5. One soap-dish and soap (best yellow or white curd).
6. One small enamel saucepan.
7. One semi-porcelain pipkin (a small earthen pot) and lamp.
8. One pap-boat (silver or crockery).
9. One feeding-bottle, with two or three nipples.
10. One small jug.
11. One teaspoon and one desert-spoon.
12. One small pot de chamber, with two flannel covers.
The above list was intended for a baby’s first month. Semi-porcelain pipkin and lamp was “a most useful modern invention” used to warm water and food. The pap-boat was used to “force” the baby to take disagreeables, either in the shape of food or medicine. The nipples on the feeding bottle should be India-rubber, preferred to the traditional hollowed-out cow teat or sewn-up wash-leather both of which were liable to become semi-putrid.
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Some of the terms mentioned were strange and the item names ever stranger. It would probably take me forever to compile a current list of the items required these days for the babies first month. It would be exhausting and just too much work to even attempt. I have to admit it’s much better to be collateral damage from someone else’s pregnancy than having one of your own. Thank God for menopause.
How often do you stop and think about when you were a kid? Does it make you sometimes wish you could be that kid again? Good questions and I’m sure I know the answers. Of course we’ve all taken that trip back to a simpler way of life where there was little or no stress and no overwhelming problems. Our biggest worries then were who to play with and for how long.
Art Linkletter made a fortune with “Kids Say the Darndest Things” because kids really do say the darndest things. They blurt out the truth without thinking about consequences or hurt feelings. Sometimes they’re blunt, sometimes cute, and always funny. I’ve collected the following blurbs during my travels on the Net to help make my point even more interesting.
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While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that’s right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?
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A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I’m just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can’t read, I can’t write – and they won’t let me talk!"
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It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What’d he do?"
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While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
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While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. .and unto the Soonnn. …..and into the hole he gooooes."
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I can’t get enough of these types of stories. There’s nothing better for me than to have the time to sit with a youngster and just have a normal conversation about anything. The way their mind works and how they express their ideas and observations is the absolute best.
We are a week or two away from celebrating our grandson’s first birthday and this week he began walking for the first time. I’m glad about that but he won’t be a real person to me until I can hear him speak his mind. He’ll probably be speaking within a few months and I can’t wait to hear what he has to say. As I watch him now as he observes the world around him, I can almost see him thinking. After more than a year of observing all of us he’s sure to have plenty of questions and opinions. I can’t wait to hear them.
I’m a huge fan of both the Cooking and Food channels. Being a huge fan of food makes it almost a requirement. Without a large assortment of food the human race would cease to exist in short order (no pun intended).
I’ve been a cook for most of my life and to this day maintain a large handwritten recipe book with family recipes and many of my own that I use on a regular basis. Nothing fascinates me more than finding a new dish that I’ve never experienced and attempting to remake it “my way” and then share it with friends.
Needless to say everyone who enjoys cooking thinks their family recipes are the best and that their mothers and grandmothers are the final word on anything food related. I fall into that category myself not so much with my mother’s cooking which was only so-so but with my grandmothers which was sooooo good.
I thought today I’d present you with a short trivia challenge on food and cooking related items. As with any other subject there’s thousands of trivia items available to stump and puzzles us all when it comes to food. Here are 10 that I found somewhat interesting and I hope you do as well. The answers will be posted tomorrow so you can check and see how you’ve done. Have fun with it and then go eat a sandwich.
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1. In which American city is the greatest amount of ketchup consumed?
2. Who said: “Never eat more than you can lift”?
3. What was the first commercially manufactured breakfast cereal?
4. How many pounds of dry saffron does an acre of crocus plants yield?
5. Under federal food labeling regulations, how much caffeine must be removed from coffee for it to be called decaffeinated?
6. What are the five most frequently consumed fruits in the United States?
7. What snack food commercial was pulled off the air in 1970 because of complaints from an outraged ethnic group?
8. What popular lunch and snack food did an unidentified St. Louis doctor develop in 1890 for patients requiring an easily digested form of protein?
9. What do Eskimos use to prevent their food from freezing?
10. What eating utensil was first brought to America in 1630 by Massachusetts Bay Colony governor John Winthrop, who carried it around with him in a specially made, velvet-lined leather case?
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I selected these questions because I felt they could be answered easily if you just think about them for a moment. I could be wrong so check back tomorrow.
If you count my years as a police officer, my time in retail investigations, and seven years working in an assortment of state jails and courthouses, you’d think I’ve seen and heard just about everything. If you thought that you’d be right. Those facilities offer up a list of experiences that most people would never experience or want to. People give me strange looks at times and really have a hard time believing some of those stories. Odd, weird, and unusual are everyday occurrences there whether they like to believe it or not.
I spent seven years, five days a week sitting in courtrooms and listening to testimony and statement by attorneys that were stupid, funny, and pitiful all at the same time. For the most part the judges were just highly paid referees between the attorneys and their ever so stupid defendants and witnesses.
These items were actual statements made under oath and recorded by court reporters. It’s a small sampling of how our criminal justice system really works.
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Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
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Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
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Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
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Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy."
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
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I really can’t explain to you the look on some of the defendant’s faces when they hear some of the questions their own attorneys ask. It doesn’t fill them with confidence that their court appointed attorney has no clue about what’s going on. The attorneys seem speechless at times when they hear their own clients testimony. I found my jaw dropping on many occasions when a defendant said just enough to convince the jury he was an idiot and a guilty one at that.
I hate to admit that in my high school days I absolutely hated English class and writing assignments. The only good thing about that class was the smok’in hot teacher (Ms. Walters) who was much better known for her long legs and colored bra collection. Unfortunately that’s a story for another time. She attempted to teach us morons grammar and other tools needed to write coherently. Two of her favorites things were the use of similes and metaphors. I really never cared much for those exercises and assignments and I’m sure most kids these days feel the same way. I’ll list the official definitions now and then offer up some actual samples from our current crop of students. I have to admit that even my first attempts weren’t as bad as some of these.
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sim·i·le
/ˈsɪməli/ [sim-uh-lee] noun
1. a figure of speech in which two unlike things are explicitly compared, as in “she is like a rose.” Compare metaphor.
2. an instance of such a figure of speech or a use of words exemplifying it.
met·a·phor
/ˈmɛtəˌfɔr, -fər/ [met-uh-fawr, -fer] noun
1. a figure of speech in which a term or phrase is applied to something to which it is not literally applicable in order to suggest a resemblance, as in “A mighty fortress is our God.” Compare mixed metaphor, simile ( def 1 ) .
2. something used, or regarded as being used, to represent something else; emblem; symbol.
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He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the "TV Guide" crossword.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Every minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
Even in his last years, Grand Dad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
I feel much better about my subpar efforts back in the day after reading this collection. Ms. Walter’s would have been even more unfriendly than usual after reading such drivel and I would have certainly received her favorite punishment. One hour of detention after school while she strutted her stuff around the room and drove us all crazy. Man that was one sexy women. Most of us would have volunteered to stay anyway. What a punishment.
Well, how did you do on yesterdays trivia challenge? I told you it was difficult so don’t be too disappointed that you didn’t score higher. I’ll be sending an assortment of those quiz’s your way over the next few months and some will be easier and others even harder. It’s just a little something to get you thinking and if some day you happen to win a bar bet or two, your welcome. Here are the answers you’ve been waiting for.
1. Peter Lorre
2. William Bendix
3. Johnny Mathis
4. The Return of Dr. X (He was a zombie.)
5. Andy Robinson (Son of Edward G. Robinson)
6. Superman
7. A teenage Andy Williams.
8. Frank Sinatra
9. It had no name, she called it “cat”.
10. Frank
Onward with other business. Normally on days like this I’ll try and offer you a little humor to start your day or end it depending on when you read this. Here’s a little joke for ya.
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A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver’s window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I’m reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She’s knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I’m nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she’ll be sixteen."
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Now that you have that small smile on your face I’ll move onto my next subject. I’d like to thank these folks for visiting this blog and then deciding to stick around for a while. New followers are always a pleasant surprise and I recommend you visit them and give their sites a look. Welcome aboard and thank you!
Joe Seeber, sfoxwriting, jangawol, Jordan Latour, funoften, ThePeopleIHaveSleptWith, Kylie Bannink, linzelite, miraclesworldrecords
I worked for two retail companies for a total of nineteen years which makes me something of an expert. I continue to be amazed at the poor hiring practices used by most retailers. They hire on the cheap and expect the world of those same inexperienced and poorly trained employees. Walmart is the largest retailer around and the stories from their stores are amazingly bizarre. They are just the tip of a gigantic and costly iceberg.
All of us have tales to tell about the odd, strange, and stupid behavior of cashiers from almost any chain or store you can think of. It has forced many companies to create cash register systems that are more and more complex. Their thought process is to make the registers so smart that it takes the guesswork out of the hands of the cashiers. It’s a great idea but doomed to failure. All that solution gives the store is an expensive and complex computer checkout system run by an eighteen year old inexperienced dumbass.
Here are a few stories I’ve found that make my point and then some.
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A cashier noticed that a man never signed his name on the back of his credit card. She informed him that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When he asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature he’d just signed on the receipt. So he took a pen and signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one he signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
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A young girl went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
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A woman was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" She said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That’s why we ask."
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At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear retail coworker who was leaving the company due to "down-sizing," the store manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. Everyone just looked at each other like “deer in the headlights”.
These problems exist across the board with every type of retailer. Kids who can’t make the proper change even after the register tells them the proper amount. I could make a twenty minute shopping trip to any store and have at least one good story to tell about employee screw-ups. If you can imagine how many errors are being made on a daily basis in this country, it gets a little scary.
This should be considered your PSA (Public Service Announcement) for today. Keep your eyes and ears open when shopping because not all mistakes cost just the company money. You could be losing money every time you shop if your not paying attention. Check your receipt before you leave the store for any obvious errors. Companies are notorious for putting prices on a sign near the product but forgetting to update the UPC system. It costs us millions of dollars every year and that’s a conservative estimate.
Buyer Beware!
CLASS IS NOW IN SESSION
It’s time for two more lessons from those super dedicated and intelligent teachers from Every Useless Thing University. The source of endless supplies of knowledge mostly forgotten by the every-day citizen. Take detailed notes because our tests are tough and the failure rate has been climbing in recent years.
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Lesson #9 – What is Snot and Why is it Sometimes Green?
Snot is a slang term for mucus, a thin and slippery material comprising musins and inorganic salts suspended in water that’s produced by the mucous membranes inside the nose. It serves to moisten and protect the nose and throat while also trapping inhaled foreign matter, keeping it in the nose and thus preventing dangerous particles and germs from reaching the lungs, where they could cause damage. Mucus surrounds any foreign matter that is trapped and dries around it, producing a hardened piece of snot.
Mucus production is normal and healthy, but increased production in the respiratory tract is often a sign of a disease, such as the common cold.
When snot appears green or yellow, this is usually because the body has a bacterial infection, causing it to produce thick mucus containing pus excreted by the bacteria. When the body’s immune system detects the infection, it produces an enzyme called myeloperoxidase, which kills the bacteria in the mucus and expels it through the nose.
The nose produces almost a cupful of snot every day.
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Lesson #10 – Does Penis Size Vary by Race?
The penis sizes of men are frequently discussed and joked about. A large penis is coveted by many, considered a symbol of masculinity and thought to be an attractive quality to women. The size of a man’s penis is influenced by a number of factors, such as cold temperatures, which generally reduce the size of the flaccid penis to a lack of blood flow causing it to shrink.
One study found that the average length of the stretched, flaccid penis was 5.2 inches for White men, 5.7 inches Black men, and 4.2 inches for Asian men. Another study, meanwhile, found the average length of the unstretched, flaccid penis is 4 inches for White men and 4.3 for Black men. Black men’s penises were also found to be longer when erect, but only by 1 inch, while their circumferences were found to be in average 0.1 inch larger.
On the basis of these studies it is evident that the average black man’s penis is larger than the average white man’s which is in turn is larger than the average Asian man’s. Corroborating the latter part of this conclusion is a further finding that American condoms are 7.1 inches long, whereas Japanese condoms are 6.3 inches long. For this reason, at one time travel-guides recommended that male travelers should take their own condoms when visiting Asia.
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What have we learned today? First, snotty noses serve a useful purpose but wiping them is still mandatory so as not to gross out others.
Second, for you female students who overly concern themselves with penis size, the information contained in Lesson #10 should be helpful. You should always remember this important and useful adage to further assist you when choosing a possible boyfriend or mate, “It’s not the size of the club but how it’s wielded.”
CLASS DISMISSED
