Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
I spend a lot of my time watching and listening to people. It’s my most favorite of activities to be sure. I’ve recently began to see unusual patterns occurring in others which trouble me a great deal. It seems we as a people are loosing the ability to insult others with tact or sarcasm. I know, I was as stunned as you are. What is this country coming to if we lose that important ability. That’s one of the losses we suffer from too much political correctness.
"Your mother wears combat boots." was a good way for me to get my ass kicked in grade school. It was almost as bad as "Your mother dresses you funny." or "If my dog looked like your mother, I’d shave his ass and make him walk backward." Mother insults were always a good way to insult someone and be absolutely sure to get the proper reaction.
These days you can’t even call someone a liar, you must say “he’s diligently avoiding the truth”. That’s pussy talk in my opinion. Give me the good old days when someone wasn’t "educationally challenged" he was a moron or a dumb ass. It is said that the WW II generation was the greatest and I completely agree. They knew how to deliver an good insult that was polite, sarcastic, and devastating. No pussy talk for those guys or gals. Here are some classic insults by famous people of that era. Enjoy.
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“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
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“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow
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“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
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“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
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“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
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“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
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“Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.” – Winston Churchill’s response to George Bernard Shaw
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“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
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“Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!” – Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
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“Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!” – Winston Churchill’s response to Lady Astor
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"There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure." – Jack E. Leonard
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"He has Van Gogh’s ear for music." – Billy Wilder
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
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"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." – Winston Churchill
Three of my all time favorites, Mae West, Mark Twain, and Winston Churchill. They just don’t make them like that anymore and it’s a damn shame (In my humble opinion).
Before I start to write this posting I’m required to put on my cowboy hat, my boots, and my big ugly belt buckle. Don’t misunderstand me, I am not a Country & Western fan in any sense of the word. Unfortunately my born and bred Texan better-half has been a life long fan of the genre. She roams from room to room through the house every day, turning on multiple radios to blare that good old down home music every effing minute. It keeps me out of the house doing fifty percent more yard work than I would normally do. Maybe that’s her sneaky Texas way of making me work harder. If I’ve learned nothing from our years together I have learned to keep a close watch on her, Texans are sneaky!
I had a wonderful day off today because my crazy better-half and her even crazier daughter are off on another adventure. They left early today to attend the Country-fest Concert at Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, Massachusetts. I’m sure they were cheering all the way to Mass but what they didn’t know was just how loud I was cheering to see them go. An entire day without listening to music that makes me cringe. I worked in the yard for a good part of the day with my IPod blasting a wide variety of Blues, Rock, and NO C&W.
I was receiving text messages and photos for most of the day telling me just what I was missing. I was missing endless traffic, Country music fans by the thousands, and an endless number of drunken bums wearing their boots and cowboy hats. I’ll just bet that ninety percent of those crazies have never been on a ranch or had a close and personal conversation with a horse. A whole lot of wannabes trying to impress a few young ladies with their swagger and y’all’s.
I had a great day until eleven pm when I was awakened from my blissful sleep by two tipsy cowgirls making their way home from Boston. My better-half was so horse I could barely understand her and all of the laughing and screaming in the background didn’t help either. She called to let me know when she’d be arriving and that she was going to "wake my ass up" whether I liked it or not. I mildly threatened to end her life, said goodnight, and went back to sleep. She arrived home in the wee hours, fell into bed, and barely woke me at all.
Waking up this morning I opened one eye to see if she was prowling around. Next to me under a huge pile of blankets and pillows I found what was left of my better-half. She was snoring like a truck driver, smelled like beer, and was dreaming about Kenny Chesney I’ll bet. Ya, I know at least one cowboy crooner’s name. Please don’t hold that against me, my survival instinct requires I know enough Country names and trivia to keep her happy.
Yee haw y’all !
I love supplying all of you with tons of useless trivia but today I think I’ll change things up a little. I’ll be asking the questions and hopefully some of you will supply the correct answers.
We’ve all been raised sitting in front of the television and I don’t see that lessening any time soon. With the addition of smartphones and tablets it should increase every year for the foreseeable future.
With that in mind I’m supply you with twenty trivia questions concerning television over the last fifty years. Let’s see just how well you can do with them. I’ll supply the answers tomorrow and you can see just how well or how badly you’ve done. Lets begin.
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What are the names of the two old codgers who wisecrack from their box seats on the Muppet Show?
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What was Johnny Carson’s famous reply when a reporter asked what he would his epithet to be?
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What 1949 television program was the very first coast-to-coast network show?
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Who played Beau Maverick on the TV western comedy series Maverick?
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What were the only words spoken by Clarabell the clown on the Howdy Doody Show?
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What was the address of Big Birds nest on TV’s Sesame Street?
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What popular stand-up comic turned down the role of Trapper John McIntyre in the TV sitcom M*A*S*H before Wayne Rogers signed on for the part?
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How many opening monologues did Johnny Carson deliver during his 30 years as host of the Tonight Show?
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What role did Art Carney play in Jackie Gleason’s very first Honeymooners sketch?
10. Who was the first mystery guest to appear on the TV quiz show What’s My Line in 1950?
11. What TV sitcom family lived at 1313 Mockingbird Lane?
12. What was the theme song Jack Benny played off-key on his violin?
13. What character actress provides the voice of mother Marge on TVs animated sitcom The Simpsons?
14. What car did TVs Archie Bunker recall fondly in “Those Were the Days”, the theme song of the sitcom All in the Family?
15. On what TV show did Robert Guillaume first portray the sharp-witted, sharp-tongued butler Benson?
16. Who played Kato, the faithful Philippine valet-chauffeur, on the TV show The Green Hornet?
17. Who portrayed Arnold Ziffel on Green Acres, the late 1960s TV sitcom that starred Eddie Albert and Eva Gabor?
18. How many cases did Perry Mason lose in the nine seasons Raymond Burr appeared on TV as the ace defensive lawyer?
19. What were the names of the three sons in the TV sitcom My Three Sons, which featured Fred Mc Murray as widower Steve Douglas?
20. What is the meaning of kemo sabe the words Tonto used to address the Lone Ranger?
Bonus Question (Worth 2 Points): What actress’s unpublished home telephone number did comedienne Joan Rivers give out on national TV in 1986 when she was hosting The Late Show Starring Joan Rivers?
So how do you think you did? I won’t tell you my score because it sucked. I thought I knew a lot but once again I may have been mistaken. The answers will follow tomorrow.
I was standing in a line at a nearby Subway Shop yesterday and listened to three young ladies chitchatting about this and that almost nonstop. They discussed a few friends, made a derogatory comment or two about a certain person they disliked, and then complained about starting school in a week or two. As I stood in line behind them I couldn’t help but overhear their conversation intermixed with the receiving and sending of text messages from other friends.
I had to smile thinking how different things are these days for our younger generations. The one thing that held my interest today was their use or misuse of the language. Almost every child learns early on how to have a little fun at the expense of the adults in their life. These newer generations have adopted the never-ending use of the word "Like". As I stood in that long line behind these young girls I was able to count no less than twenty-five uses of the word "Like". It actually made me grin a little.
I could make fun of them or quote some of their silly comments but that isn’t at all what I was thinking at the time. I agree that their use of the word was cute and possibly funny but it seemed to bother the older women standing to my left a great deal more than it did me. She was shuffling her feet and rolling her eyes the entire time which I’m sure was the effect they were shooting for. Growing up these days still requires those developing children to irritate the older generations just enough to show them their newly found desire for independence. It’s where they begin to carve out their own niche as soon-to-be adults and push and shove to take their place with the rest of us. They were giggling and chatting like kids do and it was fun to watch.
Every generation has certain words and phrases they over-use and I have no idea how that happens with almost every generation. When I was growing up the word "Okay" was overused constantly and later “Cool” was the word of choice. After a little research I discovered the following information on the word "Okay" since that was my generation’s word choice.
As tends to be the case with the origins of sayings or words, the starting point of OK is a matter of contention. Many explanations have been offered and here are three samples of which none are believable.
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The wood out of which British ships were built, oak, which is a durable wood gave rise to the saying that such wood was “oak-a”.
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US military records stating that there were no casualties – that is, zero killed (OK).
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The ancient Greek schooling practice of marking the letters on exceptional papers, indicating that they were ola kala (literally “it is good”).
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The most favored derivation, however, probably because it is supported by documentary evidence, is that the word OK stems from a phrase used in the 19th century. It was a fad during the 1830’s in Boston for newspapers to use comical expressions such as KY for “know yuse”, OW for “oll wright”, NS for “nuff said”, and notably, OK for “oll korrect”. OK became more popular in 1840 when the supporters of the Democratic politician, Martin Van Buren formed the OK Club. In this case, the letters stood for “Old Kinderhook” (Kinderhook, New York being Van Buren’s place of birth), and it’s thought that it was through this use of the letters that brought OK into mainstream usage.
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I’m sure that in the day I was able to make my parents cringe every time I used the term “OK” sarcastically just as “Like and Whatever” are accomplishing these days. Rule #1 for kids: As always, find an adult’s annoyance button and then push it over and over again. I wonder what the next generation will come up in a few years to irritate these three young ladies. That’s makes me grin too!
During my wanderings yesterday I stumbled on a new treasure trove of absolutely useless information expanded to include virtually every country on the planet. I felt just like a little kid in a candy store. These factoids and tidbits are much more interesting than some I’ve previously found and I’m happy to be sending them along to you. Where I can I’ll note the source of the material and if you dispute the information call them.
There is no rhyme or reason as to how they are listed so just wade on through and enjoy.
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At birth, most babies cry at C or C Sharp. – Financial Times
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Five people were killed by falling icicles in the central Russian town of Samara between February 23 and 25, 2008. – Reuters
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On a QWERTY keyboard, 32% of keystrokes take place on the middle row, 52% on the upper row, and 16% on the bottom row. – Discover Magazine
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In ninety days a single toad can consume nearly 10,000 insects. – State of the World
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Hitler was on the short list for the 1938 Nobel Peace Prize. – The Guardian
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Two thirds of the world’s people have never seen snow. – Canadian Weather Trivia Calendar
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The average British woman spends two years of her life gazing in the mirror. – The Times
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Every year, an average of twelve Japanese tourists in Paris have to be repatriated due to severe culture shock. – Foreign Policy Passport
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Henry David Thoreau once burned down three hundred acres of forest trying to cook a fish he had caught for supper. – The Times
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On an average day, about 3.3% of the worlds population has sex. Less than 0.4% of these acts result in births. – Financial Times
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Asians make up 35% of the undergraduate body at MIT but only 4% of the US population. – New York Book Review
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There are an estimated 10,000 trillion ants on earth – roughly 1.6 million for each human. Their combined weight is equivalent to that of the entire human population. – MSN
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Spammers typically need to send one million emails to get fifteen positive responses. – The New Yorker
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Jack Bauer, the lead character from the series 24, personally killed 112 people in the first five seasons of the show. – The Guardian
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About 85% of Chinese people share only a hundred surnames. Wang is the most popular (with 93 million people), followed by Li (92 million) and Zhang (88 million). At least 100,000 people are named “Wang Tao,” making it the most popular full name. – China Daily
There you have it. The first installment of International Trivia. It’s nice to see that we Americans are not alone when it comes to weirdness and odd behavior. Carry on.
Welcome back to the next installment of E.U.T. (Every Useless Thing) University’s on-line education program. It’s the best known reservoir for totally useless knowledge and through our detailed courses of study we will explain many of those things that have puzzled mankind for centuries. Here are lesson plans #5 and #6. These topics are not common knowledge but we at E.U.T.U have searched for and found the truth just for you.
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Lesson #5 – How Did the “Missionary Position” Get It’s Name?
The missionary position is a position for sexual intercourse in which the man and woman lie facing each other, with the man on top of the woman. It is probably the best-known sexual position has been adopted by people for centuries.
The name of the position is widely thought to be derived from the early European missionaries, who discovered that native people in the New World were employing other unorthodox positions, such as the man penetrating the woman from behind. The missionaries taught the natives that couples facing each other was the only position that was acceptable to God (because it was more intimate, enabling both partners to see and kiss each other) and that any other position was considered unnatural. It is generally thought that these teachings were carried out by St. Paul who believed that the woman should be underneath the man during intercourse, while St. Augustine also taught that any other position was a sin against nature.
The term was first recorded in its popular definition in the 1960’s.
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Isn’t it amazing that so many of our current issues concerning sex and procreation were caused by a handful of prudish and allegedly holy men who passed it down to the “free love generation”. That irony at it’s very best.
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Lesson #6 – What is the G Spot and Where is It?
The G spot is a small area in a woman’s vagina that, when stimulated, is said to give her intense orgasms. It’s named after its discoverer Ernest Grafenberg, a German physician who conducted research on that area of the vagina in the 1950’s. In recent years.
The G spot is said to be located on the upper front vaginal wall, close to where the urethra joins the bladder. While its exact position can vary, it is commonly situated 2 to 3 inches inside the vagina, directly behind the pubic bone. It is the size of a small coin and has a spongy texture, distinguishing it from the otherwise smooth vaginal wall. Many women have difficulty in finding it, and some cannot find it at all.
The G spot is usually very sensitive and is capable of hardening and swelling. When pressure is applied to it, it can stimulate the need to urinate, and it might be the organ responsible for female ejaculation. One theory for the existence of this phenomenon is that during childbirth the head of the child pushes on the G spot, triggering the ejaculation, which lubricates the birth canal and helps with the final phase of birth.
Many people still maintain that the G spot doesn’t exist, or that it doesn’t contribute to orgasms in women. Others, meanwhile, claimed that it is part of the clitoris, the nerves of which penetrate deep below the surface.
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For all you men out there you can no longer deny the G spot’s existence or that you can’t to find it. The teachers from E.U.T.U. have spent countless hours and endless searching to find that magical spot, to map its location, and to supply that information to you. So guys, get off your ass and get out there and find that most important of female erogenous zones and don’t stop until you’ve been successful or you die trying.
These lessons will continue into many interesting areas that we at E.U.T.U. have been diligently researching. They will be published as soon as possible after being received in order to keep you up to speed. Your very welcome!
CLASS DISMISSED
Tomorrow is August fifth and a truly important day for both National and International observances. Being a Leo myself I sometimes feel that the Month of August gets way more of the crappy observances compared to some other months. I wish I could remedy that but some things are beyond my power to fix.
There are three observances for tomorrow that need to be highlighted. The first is International Beer Day. My better-half celebrates this day like it’s Christmas in August. I’ll be waist deep in empties in no time at all. The second observance is National Oyster Day. I’ve been a big fan of eating oysters for many years and I must tell that that I’ve even spit my share of oysters out car windows as a kid. If you don’t understand that last statement there’s no hope for you at all. The third observance is National Underwear Day. I’m more a fan of a No Underwear Day but that’s just me. In my humble opinion this observance applies more to women than men because Victoria Secret has made it permissible to ogle and gawk at women in underwear. By the way, thank you Victoria.
In order to celebrate these three observances properly I’ll start tomorrow off with a cold beer as soon as I wake up and roll out of bed. I’ve never tried Cheerios with beer but I might give it a whirl. I hate the taste of beer and hopefully the cereal would help it along. I’ll then shower, dry, and moisten my beautiful body and attack the day wearing my finest pair of Incredible Hulk underwear. They’ll be a little tight but that lovely green color males my blue eyes look a little greener. I’ll take my better-half to lunch at Ken’s Seaford where can slurp down a dozen oysters at the raw bar. After that we can cruise through the coastal communities and every so often open the window and deposit an oyster or two along the berm. If you don’t understand that last statement then there’s no hope for you.
We have hundreds, possibly thousands of these observances thanks in part to our fine collection of legislators. It’s a our duty as American citizens to proudly support and celebrate these observances in a proper fashion. Where is your national pride and patriotic zeal when we need it.
GO, CELEBRATE, ENJOY !
Today turned into a real adventure quite by accident. The sun was shining and I had no plans of any kind for a change. My only chore was to deliver my better-half to work and to pick her up later in the afternoon. I suppose I could have just worked around the house or even cut the grass but I wanted something a little more interesting.
I purchased a new Nikon SLR two weeks ago and I really needed to spend a little time learning how to use it. I packed up my camera and the rest of my equipment and made my way to the marshland located along the coast. I arrived there in short order and made my preparations to enter the swamp. I was there primarily to photograph dragonflies but I had a small problem. If I doused myself in Off then the dragonflies were sure not to come near me but if I didn’t use the Off I was sure to be eaten alive by thousands of mosquitos. I used a moderate amount of the spray, picked up my camera and monopod and trekked into the swamps.
Photographing insects requires the use of a macro lens that then requires the use of a monopod to steady the camera to get that perfectly clear shot. I have to say it sounds much easier than it actually is. I sat crouched in that damn swamp for two hours because I’ve been told that patience is always necessary for any photographer. It was close to eighty-five degrees with no breeze of any kind. I began to sweat like I’d just run the Boston marathon. Unfortunately bugs just love sweaty humans to buzz around and bother and then to sting when they’re swatted away. It became quite difficult to sit quietly while surrounded by a few hundred of my newest friends. Photography Tip #1: Use as much bug spray as you can. Take a damn bath in it if you must.
I managed between bites to take a number of shots but even the dragonflies were being difficult. Due to my constant swatting of bugs I was apparently scaring them off as well. Everything was just freaking perfect. Oh yeah, did I mention there are also snakes in that swamp. As I squatted there I must have seen six or seven slithering in the waters around me. Photography Tip #2: Never wear sneakers when working in a swamp, it bothers the snakes.
I lasted as long as I could and actually was able to take a few dozen pictures and a few of them appear to be pretty good. I’m really happy with the new camera and I’m sure we’ll have a long and happy relationship together. It felt good to get out in the wild for a bit but it will probably take a few days for all of these bug bites to heal. I can’t wait to get these photo’s onto my computer later so I can really see if there as good as I think they are.
All in all it was a fun day and I look forward to many more just like it before the snow flies. The downside to any really good day is returning to reality which always kind of sucks. I’ll pick up my better-half in a few minutes and then head home for dinner and a quiet night.
Since this week has been so traumatic and disturbing I’ve decided to lay some more really useless information on you. I’m just not up to writing anything too serious today because I’m still a little unfocused with everything that’s been going on. These facts are somewhat odd but still interesting and I hope you enjoy them.
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Cats urine glows under a black light.
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Blueberry jelly beans were especially made for Ronald Reagan.
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In every episode of Seinfeld there’s a superman somewhere.
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Checkmate comes from the Persian phrase "shah mat" which means the king is dead.
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Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds while dogs have only ten.
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91% of Americans lie daily.
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When you sneeze water can come out of your mouth at speeds of 60mph.
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Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
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On a Canadian 2 dollar bill the flag flying over the parliament building appears to be an American flag. It’s actually Canada’s earlier flag of the Red Ensign.
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Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
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There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
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Almonds are a member of the peach family.
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A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
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Sloths are actually fast, they just prefer to move at a slow pace.
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There are only two families who produced a father and son who were US presidents: Bush and Adams.
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A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
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Humans and horses are the only two animals that have hymens.
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Polish is the only word in the English language that has two completely different meanings when the first letter is capitalized.
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The longest word in the English language is Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
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Margaret Kerry was the live action model for Walt Disney’s Tinkerbell.
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The average human lies at least twice a day.
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Before Late Night Television, Jay Leno appeared in an episode of Laverne and Shirley.
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In "American Graffiti", the license plate on Richard Dreyfusses’ car is changed every time you see it.
That should just about do it for today. I’m on my way to begin the search for another vehicle for the better-half. She’s still in morning for the loss of her little yellow car and the only way to help her along is to find another car as soon as possible. I’m actually surprised she didn’t want to bring the remains home so we could bury it in the yard next to our previous pets. She gets attached to the weirdest crap. It can be amazing, unbelievable, and disturbing all at the same time.
Here’s my second installment of Beer Trivia that I faithfully promised my better-half I would post in order to get my butt out of the dog house. I’m hoping this will be sufficient to put me back into her good graces. I know, I’m so whipped I can hardly stand it. I feel my manhood slowly slipping away until nothing will be left but a screaming little girl with five o’clock shadow.
I hope all of you beer lovers out there find these tidbits interesting. I may never understand it because I’m really not a beer lover. I’m not even a beer liker. Here, goes.
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In the past English pub crawlers had a whistle baked into the rim of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
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In the Czech Republic, beer is cheaper than Coke. A half liter at a local pub costs just 30 cents while a half liter of Coke costs 85 cents. Beer is a little more expensive than club soda (which costs 29 cents, for a half liter).
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A labeorphilist is a collector of beer bottles.
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A tegestologist is a collector of beer mats.
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A flood of beer swept through the streets of St. Giles, England, on 17 October 1814. Caused by a rupture in a brewery tank containing 3500 barrels of beer, the tidal wave killed nine people and demolished two houses.
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The first six-pack of beer was produced by the Pabst Brewery in the 1940s. The brewery conducted numerous studies, which found six cans were the ideal weight for the average housewife to carry home from the store.
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In eleventh-century England, a bride would distribute ale to her wedding guests in exchange for donations to the newlyweds. This brew, known as Bride Ale, is the origin of the word ‘bridal’.
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One method of checking a beer’s quality is the way in which the foam adheres to the side of the glass after each sip. Beer connoisseurs call this “Brussels lace.”
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1888: Citizens of Munich took to the streets and rioted after a beer price increase was announced.
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Czechs drink the most beer in the world per capita – an average of 160 liters a year per person.
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In old England, inns paid a government tax known as a ‘scot’ for serving beer. Beer lovers who left town to drink at rural pubs were said to be drinking ‘scot free’.
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Beer recipes have been found on Babylonian clay tablets from over 6000 years ago.
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Guinness sells an average of 7 million glasses a day worldwide.
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The British Army supplied its men with a cash allowance for beer, considered a vital nutritional staple on long overseas missions. With this allowance of one penny, soldiers enjoyed six pints of ale every day.
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In ancient Egypt, two containers of beer were the minimum wage for a day’s labour.
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A barrel contains 31 gallons of beer. What Americans commonly refer to as a keg is actually 15.5 gallons, or a half-barrel.
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A 12 oz. of a typical American pale lager actually has fewer calories than 2 percent milk or apple juice.
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The world’s strongest beer is ‘Samuel Adams’ Triple Bock, which has reached 17% alcohol by volume. To obtain this level, however, they had to use a champagne yeast.
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The ’33’ on a bottle of Rolling Rock was originally a printer’s error. It refers to the 33 words in the original slogan. It has generated enough mystery over the years that the company left it in the label.
That finishes my penance for writing a lengthy posting on female breasts. I’m not saying this kind of circumstance won’t happen again but I promise to do do my best to behave. I haven’t had much success with that since about the age of three but I’ll continue to try.
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