Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

07-23-2013   Leave a comment

Here’s my second installment of Beer Trivia that I faithfully promised my better-half I would post in order to get my butt out of the dog house.  I’m hoping this will be sufficient to put me back into her good graces.  I  know, I’m so whipped I can hardly stand it. I feel my manhood slowly slipping away until nothing will be left but a screaming little girl with five o’clock shadow.

I hope all of you beer lovers out there  find these tidbits interesting.  I may never understand it because I’m really not a beer lover.  I’m not even a beer liker.  Here, goes.

  • In the past English  pub crawlers had a whistle baked into the rim of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
  • In the Czech Republic, beer is cheaper than Coke. A half liter at a local pub costs just 30 cents while a half liter of Coke costs 85 cents. Beer is a little more expensive than club soda (which costs 29 cents, for a half liter).
  • A labeorphilist is a collector of beer bottles.
  • A tegestologist is a collector of beer mats.
  • A flood of beer swept through the streets of St. Giles, England, on 17 October 1814. Caused by a rupture in a brewery tank containing 3500 barrels of beer, the tidal wave killed nine people and demolished two houses.
  • The first six-pack of beer was produced by the Pabst Brewery in the 1940s. The brewery conducted numerous studies, which found six cans were the ideal weight for the average housewife to carry home from the store.
  • In eleventh-century England, a bride would distribute ale to her wedding guests in exchange for donations to the newlyweds. This brew, known as Bride Ale, is the origin of the word ‘bridal’.
  • One method of checking a beer’s quality is the way in which the foam adheres to the side of the glass after each sip. Beer connoisseurs call this “Brussels lace.”
  • 1888: Citizens of Munich took to the streets and rioted after a beer price increase was announced.
  • Czechs drink the most beer in the world per capita – an average of 160 liters a year per person.
  • In old England,  inns paid a government tax known as a ‘scot’ for serving beer. Beer lovers who left town to drink at rural pubs were said to be drinking ‘scot free’.
  • Beer recipes have been found on Babylonian clay tablets from over 6000 years ago.
  • Guinness sells an average of 7 million glasses a day worldwide.
  • The British Army supplied its men with a cash allowance for beer, considered a vital nutritional staple on long overseas missions. With this allowance of one penny, soldiers enjoyed six pints of ale every day.
  • In ancient Egypt, two containers of beer were the minimum wage for a day’s labour.
  • A barrel contains 31 gallons of beer. What Americans commonly refer to as a keg is actually 15.5 gallons, or a half-barrel.
  • A 12 oz. of a typical American pale lager actually has fewer calories than 2 percent milk or apple juice.
  • The world’s strongest beer is ‘Samuel Adams’ Triple Bock, which has reached 17% alcohol by volume. To obtain this level, however, they had to use a champagne yeast.
  • The ’33’ on a bottle of Rolling Rock was originally a printer’s error. It refers to the 33 words in the original slogan. It has generated enough mystery over the years that the company left it in the label.

That finishes my penance for writing a lengthy posting on female breasts.  I’m not saying this kind of circumstance won’t happen again but I promise to do do my best to behave. I haven’t had much success with that since about the age of  three but I’ll continue to try.

07-22-2013   2 comments

I hesitate to write about today’s subject because I know many of my female readers will take me to task.  As Groucho Marx used to say on You Bet Your Life, "Today’s topic is foreplay. Say the secret word and win a hundred dollars".

The term foreplay gets tossed around all to often when men have their discussions about being successful lovers.  It comes across as more of a joke topic than anything they should take too seriously.  Most women are out-spoken in their demands that men become more accomplished in this most important area. I can’t argue that fact because over the years I’ve found it to be true.

I think many men are good at foreplay but even they are accused at times of being unskilled.  It’s become an easy way for women to keep a man on the defensive and to force him into working even harder than usual.  It’s those passive-aggressive remarks like “Oh, that was nice but my old boyfriend wasn’t good at that either”, that can really kill the mood. I’m not being too critical of them because it’s just human nature to try and reap the most benefits from every situation. I’ve known a few women who considered successful foreplay by a man to be when he removed his pants.  As with all human beings, everyone is different in their approach to just about anything. 

I once had a fairly successful interlude with a young woman who told me up front there would be no actual intercourse.  She was of the Bill Clinton school of sexual definition in that oral sex was not really sex.  We never had actual intercourse but OMG it really didn’t matter, that  girl had some serious skills.  It was one of the few times in my life where I was totally satisfied with a developing relationship and was really disappointed when her flight was called and she flew away.  I guess that’s why to this day I love airports and flight attendants but hate flying.  Ahhhh good memories.

I was watching a TV show a while back and heard the term "King of Foreplay" used during a conversation about relationships.  I’m certainly not claiming that title but I’ve studied as hard as I could over the years and I’m close to reaching that goal.  If I could live at least seventy-five more years I might just make it.  There are no hard and fast rules on foreplay because what works for one women doesn’t work for the next.  It can be very difficult and time consuming for the inexperienced man to figure these things out.

After cruising around the net I found this list of foreplay tips on how to be a better lover.  I’ll make a short comment on each since I’ve probably tried them all at one time or another. As with everything, some worked and some didn’t.  See what you think.  For you inexperienced young guys out there pay attention and learn from your elders.

Masturbate for your partner – Didn’t Work
Masturbate each other – Worked
Masturbate your partner – Worked
Suck nipples – Worked
Role-Play – Didn’t Work
Whole body massage – Worked
Give a lap dance or strip tease – Never as Foreplay
Shower together – Never as Foreplay
Tie one of you up – Really Worked
Oral Sex – Really Worked
Tickle – Never Tried
Nibble earlobes – Worked
Spank playfully – Really Worked
Talk dirty to each other – Worked
Blindfold one of you – Really Worked
Used sex toys – Really Worked
Shave each other’s private areas – Worked
Suck fingertips – Worked
Watch a porno – Never as Foreplay
Play an Adult Sex Game – Never Tried
Drip hot wax on your lover – Really worked
Body paint each other – Never as Foreplay

Hopefully the woman your trying to seduce doesn’t require any more than two or three of them.  My advice is to become proficient in them all and begin your life-long search for that "King of Foreplay" title.

We all know who Dr. Ruth is I think.  She’s the four and a half foot tall sex expert who has the answers to every sex question.  Here are a few tips from her for  those men who are having difficulties.

  • Check it out. If anything "down there" hurts or isn’t working the way you think it should, don’t wonder about it — see a doctor. For him, difficulty maintaining an erection and, for her, pain during intercourse always requires a medical evaluation.
  • Don’t zone out. Many couples are embarrassed to ask their partner to stimulate erogenous zones that are very pleasurable but can be considered taboo. The nipples, the anus, the back of the neck — all have nerve endings. So don’t be shy. The only shame when it comes to foreplay is a missed opportunity for pleasure.
  • Stay the course. There is a moment before orgasm when many women give up, thinking nothing will happen. It’s a self-sabotaging mistake. Stay with the stimulation and the orgasm will come.
  • There is not an exact science to foreplay. You and your partner(s) should understand what you need and want from each other. While we speak about foreplay techniques we must regard before anything else that every human being is distinctive and diverse from each person else and the above-mentioned foreplay techniques have a different impact from one person to another. Accustom yourself to the occasion.

Isn’t Dr. Ruth just terrific.  I’ve always wondered if growing up at “zipper height” caused her to pursue sex as her life’s work.  Just a thought.

Research indicates more than 85% of ladies reached more intense orgasms when their partners spent more than 10 minutes on foreplay.  So boys, increase your number of  foreplay techniques and become more sexually adventurous.  It’s worth every second for you to bone up (pun intended) on your skills.  They’ll serve you well for many decades to come (again pun intended).

07-21-2013   3 comments

With all this heat we’ve been suffering through I discovered just how many things there are that annoy me when I’m all hot, sweaty, and irritable.  My normal list of annoyances has increased by a factor of ten. 

I realize the heat makes it even worse but it getting ridiculous.  Yesterday I found myself annoyed by a plane flying over my house.  The fact that it was at least 25,000 feet high made no difference.  Those bastard pilots.  It’s getting out of control and I’m praying for cooler weather before someone decides to kick my ass.

I jotted down a few more that  some of you will hopefully agree with.

  • People who wait in a long checkout lines and then can’t find their checkbook or credit card.
  • People who are constantly late.
  • Commercials that are so much louder than the TV shows.
  • Grocery shopping carts with a bad wheel.
  • Co-workers that try to sell stuff to you at work.
  • People who make small talk with a cashier when there’s a long line behind them.
  • Stores with TV monitors at the checkouts that play commercials.
  • TV shows and commercials ads with ringing doorbells or phones, which make you  think the sound is coming from your house.
  • Waiters/waitresses with dirty fingernails.
  • Fake laughter.

The more I think about this list the longer it gets.  I’m going to keep on rolling and hopefully I’ll reach the end of this nonsense.

  • Stepping on a wet spot with my socks on.
  • Drivers who won’t turn right on red.
  • Being asked for my account number after I already entered it using the keypad on my phone.
  • Celebrities preaching to me about politics.
  • People saying  "What’s up?" instead of saying "hi or hello".
  • The lame-ass naming of celebrity couples.
  • Suburban kids who think they’re gangstas.
  • People who refer to themselves in the third person.
  • Rappers who thank God at awards ceremonies.
  • Mumbling, then annoyingly saying "Forget it!" when people don’t hear you.

Still going strong but I seem to be feeling a little better by unburdening myself like this.

  • Business buzz words: synergistic, globalize, paradigm shift.
  • People who dress their pets.
  • Annoying nervous laughter.
  • Someone opening a cabinet door or drawer and leaving it open.
  • People who say "carmel" instead of "caramel".
  • Overuse of the word "Like"
  • Mispronunciation of words.
  • People who are over age 21 who say the word "dude" way too often.
  • When people use the word "literally" inappropriately. I.e. "I literally almost jumped out of my skin."
  • People who bring their babies to the movies.

Wow, I’m starting to think almost everything is annoying me these days.

  • When someone blows their nose in your presence and then proceeds to look at the results.
  • Flood pants on men.
  • People who don’t listen when you are talking to them.
  • Using the toilet paper down to the last few squares without getting a new roll.
  • People abbreviating words when they speak.
  • Rude people talking at movies.
  • Barking dogs.
  • Having to explain the same thing more than once.
  • People who don’t flush the toilet.
  • When coffee spills out of the top drinking hole at Dunkin Donuts.

 
I’ve got to stop this foolishness.  If I add just one more item to this list I’ll start annoying myself and for some reason that just seems wrong.  Being annoyed by myself while listing annoyances of other people that annoy everyone else.  It’s a conundrum I tell you.  I think it’s time for all of you to make your own list.  It’s annoying that you haven’t completed one already so get to it.

Man it’s hot in here.

07-19-2013   Leave a comment

I think I’m in the proverbial dog house after yesterdays posting on female breasts.  My better-half was not too pleased with that posting so I’ve got to be punished.  It’s something that happens between us every time I step out of line which occurs more often than I care to admit.

I’ve been thinking of possible ways to calm the waters but my choices are somewhat limited.  I finally realized that the thing she loves most in this world (after me I hope) is beer.  What could I possibly write about beer to make her happy.  Besides giving her a case of cold beer wrapped in a ribbon I actually considered having a tap installed on the kitchen sink.  Hot water, cold water, and beer at the ready for quick access.  I decided that was a little more than she actually deserved after putting me on the defensive like this.

My solution is the beer trivia collection that follows.  I found so many interesting beer facts that this will be Beer List #1.  I’ll follow with the second half of the list  in a week or so.  Hopefully this will end the cold shoulder treatment and get me back into her good graces.  We shall see.

  • According to The Code of Hammurabi of ancient Babylonia (c. 1750 B.C.) a merchant could be put to death for diluting beer.
  • 1810: Munich establishes Oktoberfest as an official celebration.
  • A beer lover or enthusiast is called a cerevisaphile.
  • After consuming buckets of aul (or ale), the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle, often without armor or even shirts. In fact, "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.
  • Historians report that during the Middle Ages, when monks were brewing their beer in their monasteries, each monk was allowed to drink 5 quarts of beer a day.
  • A beer a day… Beer was used to treat over 100 illnesses in Egypt, 1600 BC.
  • In the 13th century, King Wenceslas convinced the Pope to revoke an order banning the brewing of beer in Czech territories (no wonder he was known as ‘Good King Wenceslas).
  • In 1116 BC, Chinese imperial edict stated that heaven required people to drink beer.
  • In English pubs, unruly customers were told to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down – and so began the phrase "mind your P’s and Q’s.
  • Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold and the yeast wouldn’t grow; too hot and the yeast would die. This ancient practice is where we get the phrase ‘rule of thumb’.
  • Cenosillicaphobia is the fear of an empty glass.
  • In a Czech beer house, the bartender will refill your glass every time you empty it until you place your coaster on top of your glass, signaling that you have had enough.
  • The first brewery in America was built in Hoboken, New Jersey in 1642.
    Germany serves beer ice cream in popsicle form. Its alcoholic content is less than that found in "classic" beer.
  • Saint Arnold, a bishop born in 580, is considered the patron saint of beer. He encouraged people to drink beer instead of water during the Plague.
  • Anheuser-Busch is the largest brewery in the US.
  • If you collect beer bottles you’re a labeorphilist.
  • The most expensive beer in the world? It’s called “Tutankhamen” and is prepared according to the recipe recovered by a group of University of Cambridge archaeologists in Queen Nefertiti’s Temple of the Sun in Egypt. It costs US $52 a bottle, and is produced in limited and numbered edition.
  • The pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock because they ran out of beer. Although they planned to continue down the east coast, the Mayflower’s log explains the passengers "were hasted ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer".
  • The music for "The Star Spangled Banner" was derived from a British drinking song called "Anacreon".
  • Assyrian tablets from 2000 BC stated that Noah was carrying beer aboard the ark.
  • The United States two-dollar bill features three brewers: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Samuel Adams. In fact, George Washington installed a brew house on his grounds at Mount Vernon.
  • The longest bar in the world is the 684 foot long New Bulldog in Rock Island, IL.

There you are my darling.  A partial list of beer related facts and lore that should stop this madness.  Please welcome me back into the fold with a big wet sloppy kiss and a huge hug.  I promise to try harder to be the boring and uninteresting person you’re looking for.  How’s that for a half-assed apology.

On top of everything else, I really hate beer.

07-18-2013   Leave a comment

I have a confession to make today that I absolutely love breasts, specifically women’s breasts.  Like the great majority of men I have a real appreciation for both natural and supernatural (implants) breasts.  It isn’t something that just happened to me, it’s  been my obsession for as long as I can remember.

I’m not sure when it developed or why.  It might have been that I was breast- fed as a baby and became enamored of breasts then.  Or maybe I wasn’t breast-fed as a baby and really wanted to be.  Since discussing anything sexual with my late parents was almost impossible I don’t have the real answer to my question.

Since so many of my readers are male and have a similar fascination with breasts I thought I’d do a little research and pass along any interesting facts I discovered.  It was no surprise that breasts are a major topic on the Net but finding interesting facts about breasts was not as easy as finding the tens of thousands of photographs almost everywhere.  Here are fifteen snippets of information I thought you might find interesting. 

Man Boobs

A 53-year-old man Guo Qingpo, living in Shandong province, used to own the world’s biggest man boobs record.  Guo Qingpo made a decision to have his breasts operated at a local hospital in Jinan, Beijing. After the 6-hour procedure, his 5-kilo breasts were successfully removed.

Current Implant Record Holder

In early 2009, Sheyla Hershey of Brazil was awarded the Guinness World Record for having the largest set of breasts. After nine surgeries and more than a gallon of silicone, her breasts are a size 38KKK.

Largest Natural Breasts 

In modern times the world’s largest breasts belong to Norma Stitz (USA, born Annie Hawkins-Turner) who takes a size 56WW Bra. Norma holds the Guinness world record for having the biggest tits in the world.

Best Boob Artist 

Kira Ayn Varszegi, aged 34 from Hartford, is an artist. She creates abstract works by using her 38DD breasts as a paintbrush. Kira covers her breasts in paint and then presses them against her canvases. She shares that a mixture of colors and angles in various different directions help to create her eye-catching works.

Left Breast is Usually Larger

No two breasts are exactly the same size, and it is usually your left breast that is bigger than the right side. However, often the difference is so slight you’d never notice they are of different sizes. Nipples also come in varying sizes, not only that, they also point in different directions.

British Boobs the Largest in Europe

A survey made by bra maker Triumph found that British women have the biggest boobs in Europe. More than half of women in that country wear a size D cup. Denmark scored second while Holland was third. On the other hand, Italian women had the smallest breasts where 68% had a size B.

 

Average Breast Weight

The average breast weighs about 0.5 kilograms (1.1 lb). Each breast contributes to about 4-5% of the body fat and thus 1% of the total body weight of an average woman.

Fat Breasts

In your 20s, your boobs are made up of fat, milk glands and collagen — the connective tissue that keeps them firm. But as you age, the glands and collagen shrink and are replaced by more and more fat. Instead of making your bra size go up, however, the added flab can send breasts down, closer to the floor, if you catch my drift.

Breasts Implant Saves Life

Big breasts miraculously saved an Israeli woman from death at the hands of a Lebanese paramilitary organization. The incident occurred during a Hezbollah rocket attack. The victim got a boob job two years ago. During the war, she was wounded in the chest by shrapnel but survived because of her implants. While the patient is fine, the implant, unfortunately, did not survive.

Orgasm via Breast Stimulation

The idea that women can achieve orgasm via breast stimulation alone has been put forward by Marshall Miller and Dorian Solot, a pair of high-profile sex educators and the authors of I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide. According to their findings, about 1% of women report the ability to achieve orgasm through manual stimulation of their breasts.

Cleavage

Two women with the same cup size may not always have cleavage of the same size. Woman’s breasts that have developed fuller in the middle will tend to have greater cleavage. A woman with an A or B cup but with breasts set naturally close together, can have nice cleavage as well.

Real or Not

More than 2 million women in the United States have breast implants. The average age a woman gets a boob job is 34 … 90% wait until after they have children. The majority of women go up about two cup sizes. Of course, implants still carry health risks, but that doesn’t stop 250,000 from going under the knife each and every year.

Let Sleeping Breasts Lie

Sleeping face-down won’t make your implants deflate, but it will change their shape over time. The best snooze style for your breasts is on your side with a pillow under them for support.

Extra Boobs

Extra breasts (or nipples, for that matter) is called polymastia. In 1886, one Professor Neugenbauer presented to the French Academy of Medicine a woman with ten individual lactating breasts. Three months later, Dr. P. J. Stoyanoff exhibited a 23-year-old Polish woman who also had eight additional boob, all of which secreted milk.

 

There you have it guys.  Every thing you always wanted to know about breasts and breast implants.  I hope you all appreciate the valuable time I invested reading all about breasts and looking at the thousands of pictures required to verify these facts.  It was exhausting work but I know how important it was to get this information to all of you as quickly as possible.  Oh yeah, I think my carpal tunnel syndrome is acting up again.  The sacrifices I make for this blog.

07-16-2013   Leave a comment

The battle of the sexes has existed for as long as anyone can remember.  If your a Christian it’s taught that women were made from a man’s rib and then couldn’t resist the temptations of the devil.  Eve, the first woman, got the first man, Adam,  thrown out of Paradise because of a lack of self-control.  It’s a sad story but as in all ancient stories there is always a grain of truth.  I’m not a big believer in religion or religious writings from hundreds or thousand years ago and prefer to make my own judgments based on what I know.

Let me qualify myself a little.  My mother was a women.  My sister was a woman. My grandmothers were women and many of my aunts and cousins were female. My many girl friends, lovers, and acquaintances were females. Why I was so enlightened that many of my pets were also female.  I’ve had women work for me, with me, and on occasion I worked for them.  I feel I have the right to voice an opinion or two about the war between the sexes because after being married for nineteen years I consider myself imminently qualified. It wasn’t the marriage that helped qualify me but the divorce.  I learned a lot.

You probably think that I’m now going to rant about all of my bad experiences with the women in my life.  I admit there have been a few but nothing I would care to bore you with.  I’d rather fall back on the words of women and how they perceive themselves.  Here we go.

  • The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.  Helen Hayes (at 73)
  • There is no more creative force in the world than the menopausal woman with zest.   Margaret Mead
  • One is not born a woman, one becomes one.   Simone DeBeauvoir
  • A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.  Carrie Snow
  • I am a marvelous housekeeper.  Every time I leave a man I keep his house.    Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.  A woman must do what he can’t.  Rhonda Hansome
  • Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.  Charlotte Whitton
  • Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I’m supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.  Jan King
  • You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.  Erica Jong
  • Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.  Laurie Kuslansky
  • Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.  Maryon Pearson
  • In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man – if you want anything done, ask a woman. Margaret Thatcher
  • I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.  Marie Corelli
  • Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.  Eleanor Roosevelt
  • I have everything I had twenty years ago, only it’s all a little bit lower. Gypsy Rose Lee
  • The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.  Erma Bombeck
  • A woman’s rule of thumb: if it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.  Unknown

Many of these quotations are from women who are famous and even iconic.  Read them, digest them, and make up your own mind.  Nothing stated here surprised me in the least. Now let’s hear from a few men about themselves.

  • God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.  Robin Williams
  • God made woman beautiful and foolish; beautiful, that man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him.  Author Unknown
  • Man is the only animal that blushes – or needs to.  Mark Twain
  • A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker.  Chuang Tzu
  • When a young man complains that a young lady has no heart, it’s pretty certain that she has his.  George Dennison
  • How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.  Oscar Wilde
  • When a man is in love he endures more than at other times; he submits to everything.  Friedrich Nietzsche
  • Nature knows no indecencies; man invents them.  Mark Twain
  • Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking.  Albert Einstein
  • Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.  Billy Crystal
  • Wise men are not always silent, but they know when to be.  Proverb
  • Every woman needs one man in her life who is strong and responsible. Given this security, she can proceed to do what she really wants to do – fall in love with men who are weak and irresponsible.  Richard J. Needham
  • Men play the game; women know the score.  Roger Woddis
  • I like men who have a future and women who have a past.  Oscar Wilde
  • There are two perfectly good men, one dead, and the other unborn.  Chinese Proverb
  • Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick himself up and carry on.  Winston Churchill
  • Men forget but never forgive. Women forgive but never forget.  Unknown
  • Men are what their mothers made them.  Ralph Waldo Emerson

This battle continues as it always has and always will with the same old complaints and wise cracks by both sides.  It’s Mother Nature at her very best.  It’s called the “mating ritual” by some experts but it all comes down to one thing.  Yes, that’s right, you know exactly what I’m talking about, S..E..X!  If your surprised by that statement then you must live in an isolated convent or monastery far from the civilized world.  Either that or you’re a total idiot with a lack of common sense and no chance of getting laid. 

The war continues.

07-15-2013   2 comments

I hope all of you celebrated that fantastic and relatively new national observance yesterday, International Nude Day.  Forevermore the fourteenth of July will be naked day, a day for streaking or strutting your stuff on the nude beach of your choice.  I suppose if your exceptionally brave you can give it a go on a normal public beach but it could get a little dicey.  You can never forget just how prudish and hypocritical we citizens of the United States can be. 

We love our porn, prostitution is flourishing, dozens of skin magazines are published every month, and revealing clothing is the order of the day with most fashion houses and clothing retailers. Adult Shops and peep shows are thriving but if any young mother attempts to feed her infant in public, she’s ridiculed and forced to cover her breast, baby, and sometimes her head so as not to embarrass or shock anyone.  It’s just ridiculous.

Hypocrisy comes easily to righteous people who criticize others for what they do themselves.  That’s why I’m surprised this observance was ever enacted. Here’s a short blurb explaining just what’s going on.

* * *

New Zealand’s (and now the world’s) National Nude day is not a public holiday but a day to celebrate the human form.

Brain child of former All Black and TV presenter Marc Ellis, National Nude Day (also now known as International Nude Day) is a celebration of the skin with much fun attached. The concept has been adopted by particularly Dunedin students (Scarfies) where getting nude is nothing new. Dunedin is a legend University City in the south of New Zealand.

Nude Day is a one day a year that all in NZ can celebrate nudeness, nakedness, being in the nuddy, running free in all your original raw beauty, putting on your best birthday suit. It’s day everyone can participate in, fat, skinny, big, small, firm, soft and the flabby can all get involved.

Everyone in the world celebrate your body and celebrate New Zealand and the Worlds Nude Day it’s liberating and it’s beautiful. Our bodies are the only things we own, be proud of them no matter what shape or size you are.

* * *

So lets all get out there, strip off some clothing and show the world how sophisticated we pretend to be.  Just get two or three friends and waltz along a crowded beach in the buff and watch the fun begin.  The police would appear almost immediately.  Probably quicker for a “naked” call than for a double murder.  There’d be screaming, finger pointing, and panic among those well disguised God Squad members wearing their bikinis and thongs.  Is being naked all that much different than that.  I don’t think so.  Plan on a grand celebration next year.  Naked, dancing, strutting, and proud.

07-14-2013   4 comments

Let’s start this week off with a few more tidbits of useless information to brighten your day.  These items were collected from hither and yon and are interesting and yes even stupid.

  • The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
  • The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the General Purpose" vehicle, GP.
  • The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver."
  • Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
  • The world’s termites outweigh the world’s humans 10 to 1.
  • On average, 100 people choke to death on ball point pens every year.
  • No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
  • There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
  • Typing the word typewriter uses only letters from the top row of your keyboard.
  • A 10 foot tall emu was spotted walking the streets of New York in 1973, it had accidently escaped from a circus that specialized in large exotic birds. When police questioned the circus owners they responded saying "George was constipated, so we thought a run around the grounds may help him feel better" Police fined the circus 25 dollars, and 5 months later a bi-law was passed stating that all emus within New York City must be on a leash.
  • 65% of statistics are made up.
  • More people are killed annually by donkeys than in airplane crashes.
  • A duck’s quack does echo, despite rumors to the contrary.
  • Camels milk doesn’t curdle.
  • Murphy’s oil soap is a chemical commonly used to wash elephants.
  • Porcupines float in water.
  • "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
  • The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.

I’s good to remember these factoids.  Case in point, if you’re ever required to wash a freaking elephant you’ll know exactly the kind of soap to buy.  Also, if you’re ever in NYC with your emu, you’ll know the law and buy a big assed leash. Who else but me would take time out of my busy day to let you known these things.  Again, you’re welcome.

07-13-2013   Leave a comment

Earlier this week I spent some time ridiculing attorneys and criminal witnesses as to their unbelievable stupidity.  I wouldn’t want anyone to think for a minute that my posting was meant to be malicious, just funny and ridiculous.  I thought today I would include in my musings the behavior of really stupid criminals who make their attorney’s look like geniuses.

You have to admit that people who choose a life of crime aren’t too bright to start with.  The following stories are actual tales about actual stupid criminals arrested within the last few years.  You just can’t make this stuff up.  Many years ago in my rookie year as a police officer my partner told me some valuable words of police wisdom. Since he was my training officer and had almost twenty-five experience on the job I listened intently.  His philosophy about police work was this, "If it wasn’t for the stupid fucking criminals we’d never catch anyone."  Here’s a few of them that were caught.

  • A stupid thief pled guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passerby he was going to rob the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to help him hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside the store… and called the police.
  • During a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two really stupid burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When they couldn’t figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn’t loaded and left it behind. The men apparently didn’t realize they’d been fooling around with a digital camera that allowed police to downloaded the snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects were quickly arrested.
  • A woman reported her car stolen and mentioned there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the telephone and told the moron that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and was interested in buying the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
  • A dumb ass criminal on trial for drug possession in Pontiac, Michigan, said he’d been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher’s jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
  • A 21 year old idiot, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. He gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later he was arrested because information on the screen showed a two-year-old armed robbery warrant from St. Louis, Missouri.  A huge dumb ass.

What did I tell you?  I guess my old training officer was right on the money with his advice.  Some things are just wisdom for the ages.

07-07-2013   2 comments

I love letters from kids regardless of the situation.  They have an honesty that’s refreshing to say the least.  As I recently cruised the web I discovered a web site that posted sample letters for adults to send to their kids at camp. I would hope that most parents just might be offended by the assumption that they’re too stupid to write a proper letter to their child.  I ‘m also certain that if the kids received these cookie-cutter letters  they would know just exactly what they were.  They’re way more aware of things these days than we were.

No matter what parents say, they actually do miss their children when they’re attending summer camp.  I would think that writing that first letter to your child after they’ve been away from home for a period of time would be tough.  Not the letter itself but all the worrying you’ll do when your child has been out of touch for a few days or weeks.  I certainly wouldn’t need assistance from some web site to communicate with my kid.  Here are a few of the samples provided to assist any lazy parents in writing a freaking letter.  They’ve even broken it down by age and sex of the child but for my purposes these two should be sufficient to make my point.

For a 10 Year Old Boy

Dear Xavier,
I miss you! I have been thinking about you a lot and all of the fun camp activities you’re involved in. Have you tried any new sports? When I went to summer camp, my favorite sport was "Monkey Soccer". Ask me about it when you get home.

I hope the food is okay. What is the favorite thing you’ve eaten so far? Have you done any funny camp skits? Or seen any funny camp pranks?

I hope you are having lots of fun. If you are having a hard day, please hang in there. Scruffy misses you too. I know he will want you to play fetch when you get home. We had some rain yesterday and he enjoyed getting muddy.

I love you bunches! See you in a few days!

Love,
Mom

For a 10 Year Old Girl

Dear Michelle,
How is camp? Have you made any neat crafts? Did you like horseback riding? I hope you are enjoying the activities!

I miss you lots! Be sure to take several photos so I can see what you did at camp. We can make a scrapbook together after you get home.

Have you played any fun games? I remember when I went to camp, my favorite was "Capture the Flag." I liked playing it with water balloons the best.

Fluffy missed you too. She slept on your bed last night, I think she will be happy when you come home.

I love you to the moon and back! See you next week!

Love,
Mom

I could show you many more examples but they just seem kind of lame to me. I remember attending camp as a kid and I wasn’t all that interested in receiving or sending letters anyway.  I was having a great time and couldn’t be bothered.  I assume that’s the case with most kids.

Just to give you a giggle or two here are some quotes from actual camp letters from kids to their parents.  There are plenty available for viewing on the web and easy to find if your interested. Many books have also been written and are available from many Web book sellers. They are just too damned cute.  Spelling and grammatical errors are included for your amusement.

  • “Hey Mom! I’m having so much fun!! …I miss u! But this is so much better than u yelling at me, Joey and dad! (no offense)..love, Googie.”
  • “Dear Mom and Dad,  Our cabin is so dirty and unclean that this bacterial disease called Empitiga so far 4 people in our cabin have it under their armpits. I have it all over my face…”
  • “A ginormous tree hit our cabin and knoked it down! When I was in it! No one got hurt, though. It was so scary! When the roof fell off our cabin everyone got soaked!… Love, Juliet. P.s. please do not be alarmed.”
  • “Dear Mom and Dad, I love everything about this camp except the campers. Love, Sarina”
  • “…they made me clean the table. I want to go home!…I stopped crying…But we have chores today. I am the Scraper, Sweeper and Maid.” 
  • “Dear Mom and Dad, This is not a camp from my dreams, it’s the 100th level of hell. I hate this stupid camp. I am getting out of here. Write me. I NEED MORE STAMPS. Save me!!! I am out of stamps.”

Camp is just another phase we’re forced to endure on our way to adulthood.  I must say that the camping trips I took during my dating years were way better than summer camp.  By then I was a little smarter about girls which made my continuing education much more interesting.