Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
Four years ago in a galaxy far far away on my first blog I posted a list of 100 Things I Hate. At the time I challenged myself to compile that list in under ten minutes to make it as spontaneous as possible. I completed it easily and was really proud of my accomplishment. It was a fun exercise that I found interesting and one I want to revisit today.
I’ll be addressing the first ten items from that list and fully intend to cover the remaining ninety over the next month. "An unexamined life is not worth living." or so I’ve been told over and over again. That being said there are certain inevitabilities in life such as the much overused "death and taxes" but there are many others that are just as important. "Change" effects us all in a myriad of ways and many times we aren’t even aware that it’s happening. I hope this silly little exercise will give me a better understanding of the many changes that are taking place within me and the effect it has on my endless supply of opinions on just about everything. Here we go.
#1 STUPID PEOPLE – Unfortunately this one hasn’t changed much at all. Although now I recognize and admit that a large percentage of these people are harmless-stupid which makes them more annoying than anything else. The remainder are bad-stupid and remain on my hate list. It appears I’m not hating on this as much as I once did and I see a 50% Improvement.
#2 ROSIE O’DONNELL – No change here. No improvement whatsoever. She sucks.
#3 UNIBROW WOMEN – I’ve always had the ability to identify one or two things about any woman I’ve become involved with or thought about getting involved with. I consider them all lovely and fun to be with in their own right. I’m again forced to reconsider this item because I’m sure there are some women out there with unibrows that I’d like to spend a little time with. 50% Improvement.
#4 BUMS – This term along with the term hobo is no longer politically correct and I promise to slap myself on the wrist really hard each and every time I use them. Again I find myself hating those aggressive and arrogant homeless people who insist on getting in my face and wanting my money. Some of these others who are mentally challenged are just pitiful but because of all the politically-correct thinking in this country they’ve been dumped onto the streets. 50% Improvement.
#5 DIRTY FINGERNAILS – No change here and no improvement.
#6 CRIMINALS – No change here either. No improvement.
#7 CANADIANS – I’ve moved this item into the annoyance category. Canadians are are just a mild form of a parasite that continually criticizes it’s host but continues to enjoy the benefits it provides. 100% Improvement.
#8 ROCK STACKERS – Once again, more an annoyance than anything else. It’s something I see no useful purpose in doing but if you feel compelled to do it then just do it. I can feel myself changing already and I’m getting all tingly with my 100% Improvement.
#9 FUNERALS – I hate them. I would like to spend the remainder of my life never attending another regardless of who it is. They freak me out and hopefully the only other one I ever attend will be my own. No improvement here.
#10 BACKWARD BASEBALL CAPS - This is something I’ve hated since it all started. Grown men and women teaching their children to look as stupid and ridiculous as they do. This goes hand in hand with saggy pants with underwear sticking out. I’d like to find the person who started these ridiculous trends and just kick their ass. No improvement.
By my calculations on these ten items I’m showing a 35% improvement overall. I find that amazing, disturbing, and annoying, all at the same time. I wish I could get that kind of improvement for my 2014 New Years resolutions but they’ll be reviewed and discussed at a later date.
‘Amazon Warehouse – My Favorite Shopping Place’
I’ve been rather busy over the last couple of months since I made a commitment to myself to have my Christmas shopping completed, wrapped, and ready for delivery or mailing by Thanksgiving. This also included shopping for my better-half’s upcoming birthday which is entirely too close to the holidays for my liking. As soon as I made it known that this was my plan the criticism began. Fortunately I’ve been called "anal" so may times by so many people that it no longer bothers me. I’m at the point now where it’s actually become quite the compliment.
Call me anal if you’d like but you won’t be seeing me on Black Friday or any other day being elbowed, pushed out of the way, and worse by the crowds of people waiting until the last minute to Christmas shop. The rationalizations thought up by those late shoppers sometimes makes me wonder about their sanity. You get up at 4:30 am on Black Friday, wait in line for a hour for the store to open, and TA DA, save a whole two dollars. It’s some form of X-mas insanity that I just don’t understand. A thousand people show up for free stuff that only the first one hundred actually get. I’d call that the ultimate bait and switch scheme regardless of which retailer is doing it.
You have to understand that I’m more than a little claustrophobic when it comes to large crowds of people or small crowds of people stuffed into even smaller buildings. The retailers today led by my all time non-favorite, Walmart, insist on clogging the aisles and for that matter any open space with a never ending supply of merchandise and stack-outs. You barely have enough room to get through the store with a shopping cart let along enjoy the shopping experience. After ten minutes of that I’m ready to get the hell out of there just as fast as I can. I may be a member of the so called "great unwashed" but that doesn’t mean I have to like rubbing elbows with each and every one of them.
‘IPad Fever’
I made my first Christmas purchase on-line in June. It was earlier than I’ve ever started before and thank God for Amazon and gift cards. This is going to be my first Amazon Christmas and I guarantee it won’t be my last. I’ll still manage a few short trips to some of the smaller local retailers on those days that they’re not too busy. I can’t show up on Christmas morning without all of those stocking stuffers everyone seems to love so much but that’s the extent of my Christmas shopping fun for this year.
The better-half’s birthday will come and go and you can be sure I’ll really be enjoying that Thanksgiving turkey when it finally gets here. I can kick back and relax just knowing my holiday preparations are complete for another year.
Merry Christmas . . . . and thanks Amazon!
“It’s Not Nice to Fool Mother Nature’
Have you ever had something good you were trying to do for someone come back and bite you in the ass? If you haven’t, you don’t know what your missing. I’ve never been known as a “relationship guy”and I’ve failed in so many I should be somewhere in the Guinness Book of Records. As I’ve gotten older I really and truly tried to change my ways with only moderate success.
I was always a good listener but the other skills necessary for maintaining a long term relationship were severely lacking. After trying and failing and then trying again I began to make some progress and was really proud of myself. My better-half constantly assures me that I’m a good partner and we have a healthy and happy relationship. Little did I know that she was lulling me into a false sense of security and it all came to a head yesterday.
It all started with a casual conversation about how stressed she was with Christmas approaching. She was stressing about buying gifts, what gifts to buy, where to buy them, and on and on and on. I fell for it completely and was actually starting to feel sorry for her. After being told what a great relationship we had I felt the need to step up and help her out as much as I could. I casually mentioned that I might consider spending some time with her and using my superior shopping skills to help get her back on track. It might have been one of the dumbest things I’ve ever suggested.
It wasn’t much later when she arrived with a handful of coupons from a bunch of retailers, laid them on the table, and then gave me our tentative travel plans for our full day of shopping. I’m not saying she set the whole thing up but I’m highly suspicious of how quickly those plans came together.
Yesterday was “THE” day. I was rousted out of my warm bed, given some coffee, and a “hurry up, we’re burning daylight” comment. Eight hours, seven stores, two snacks, and three coffees later my ass was dragging. Thank God for Mother Nature. It began raining soon after we left the house and the more it rained the more her shopping enthusiasm waned. As we were leaving the over crowded mall in the late afternoon we made a mad dash for the car and got a little wet. She decided right then and there we should just call it a day and go home. Halleluiah and thank God . . . .
It’s now the next morning and I slept in until 8:30 am. She came running into the bedroom all pumped up with another handful of coupons, ready for another round of shopping. Get this, she even served me bacon, eggs, toast and coffee in bed. I think she needs a bit more training on how to be subtle. Once again Mother Nature arrived to save the day. As we were looking out the window at the already crappy day it began to lightly snow. The first snow fall this year and I made the most of it. I was moving kind of slow (intentionally) and told her I really wasn’t up to driving and shopping in this weather. All of my Christmas shopping was already done and I really just wanted to stay at home and relax for an hour or so. I laid it on pretty thick and before I knew it she left in a cloud of coupons to go shop, shop, shop.
‘Thank You Once Again Mother Nature’
This experience has shown me who my perfect women really is, it’s Mother Nature. She’s a little older than me but she’s still got it going on. I’m a good listener and I clean up pretty well so we should be able to easily make our relationship work over the long term. I also understand she’s not much of a shopaholic which is just another plus. My better-half had better slide a little further over in the bed to make room for our new friend.
52 SHOPPING DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS
‘Don’t Screw With Us Night-Owls’
I must be losing what’s left of my mind. Sit back and let me explain. Most people are either early morning people or night-owls. For as long as I can remember I’ve been a night-owl. I loved being out and about when everyone else was at home in their warm beds. Even when I was working those nine-to-five jobs I always managed to stay awake until at least midnight and still make it to work on time without any problem. My best years were those as a police officer when I could work as many overnights as I wanted. Those days are sadly gone forever as you shall see.
This morning was a perfect example of my new life. My better-half works some ungodly shifts but more often than not she begins work at 05:30 am. That requires her to bound out of bed in her ridiculously upbeat manner at 4:00 am to begin her endless pre-work preparations. As quiet as she tries to be she still manages to wake me up almost every day. Slowly over the last few years I’ve been quietly forced to adopt her work schedule whether I like it or not.
Fortunately I went to bed early enough last night that being awakened at 4:00 am was annoying but workable. I actually was awakened at 3:45 am when the damn cat decided it was time to be fed. So I made the coffee, fed the cat, visited the facilities and quickly returned to my warm bed. I tried desperately to go back to sleep but nothing doing. I was wide awake with nothing to do and nowhere to go. Thanks a lot lovey!
I turned on the tube and what do I find but a Styx rock concert on AXS TV. I poured a large coffee, pulled the bed covers tightly around me, and settled down for the next two hours and rocked my life away. That group sounded as good today as it did way back when. The better-half left sometime during the concert giving me the required peck on the cheek as she ran for the door. Twenty minutes later she called in a tizzy to tell me she’d forgotten her bag full of paperwork that she needed it and could I bring it to her as soon as possible.
‘Before’
‘After’
Of course, I finished watching the concert, then I got dressed and did fifty minutes on the treadmill. There’s something very wrong with sweating through your clothing at 6:00 am. I finished with the treadmill, hit the shower, and then decided to deliver her work supplies to her. Of course she also demanded in her oh so nice way a Dunkin Donuts coffee which required me to make yet another stop. Isn’t love grand?
So after all of that I arrived at her store with all of the paperwork and her coffee. I made the visit as short as possible and quickly left after reciprocating with an obligatory kiss on her cheek. I stood outside in the parking lot for a second and glanced down at my phone, it was only 8:45 am. That’s just so wrong on so many levels. What the hell was I becoming? She’s turning me into a morning person and I can’t seem to stop her. Is my life over? Woe is me!
I drove directly home, parked the car, and marched my ass back to the bedroom. The next two hours were heaven on earth and that little nap was even better than those famous afternoon power naps everyone’s always raving about. I was sure the rest of the day would be a real yawner but I needed to remember one important thing. I’d be able to get up tomorrow morning and do it all over again.
Someone just shoot me now, please!
As with most people of my generation, I’m addicted to television. A TV addiction is much like a heroin addiction. All the while your doing it you know it’s no good for you but you can’t stop yourself. We’re unfortunate in that we were born before TV and were hooked at an early age when it became readily available to the masses.
I remember those days with a B&W TV screen the size of a cereal box turned toward the dining room table so we could all watch as we ate our meal. A large antenna on the roof that rotated 360 degrees to help us pick up the signal. Three fantastic networks held our attention for years and made the TV our friend. It was on constantly in the house more for the company it provided than for the enjoyment of what was being aired.
As things progressed over the years my addiction really took hold and I was lost. The only thing that kept me from being lost forever was my time in the Army. I was located in a somewhat isolated part of South Korean and we had no television whatsoever. Two years which allowed me to kick the habit and resume a normal life (if you consider the Army a normal life). It was quite the shock to my system when I finally returned home. The TV at home was now in color, the screen was three times as big, and there were so many more programs to watch. It was all I could do to control myself.
As the years went by it became a love/hate relationship. Most of the programing was garbage and I found myself watching things that were ridiculous. That has continued unabated until now as I sit and watch a few hundred HD channels filled with more and more crap. Since there doesn’t seem to be any kind of rehab available for this addiction I guess I’ll continue to watch, be disgusted with myself and the programming, and continue to bitch and complain about the increasing costs.
I’ve always enjoyed trashing most of the pop culture nonsense that the airwaves and cables deliver to me every day and I hope that continues. I was shocked and pleasantly surprised when I recently stumbled onto a program I actually liked and will continue to watch. It’s a program on the Sundance Channel called “The Approval Matrix”.
‘Host: Neal Brennan’
Neal Brennan is someone I’ve never heard of and and I knew absolutely nothing of the backstory of how the Approval Matrix originated. Finding out it was a product of New York Magazine would normally have put me off a bit but surprise, surprise, it didn’t. I found myself captivated almost immediately by the format, the variety of guest commentators, and the subject matter. We now have a show that will help us determine what is cool, what isn’t and why.
Watching Brennan deliver his lines is priceless. It seems as if the writers are channeling Dennis Miller but at half speed. It’s smart comedy for those people who are willing to pay close attention.
Finally I have a smart and funny show to bookmark and to watch religiously.
It’s raining, it cloudy, it’s gray, and I’m suffering from a total lack of interest in just about everything. This change of seasons gets me down every year and has done so for as long as I can remember. It’s sort of become a really annoying tradition for me. I’ve always been told by others that traditions are the backbone of everything and with that in mind I guess I’ll celebrate that tradition with this new tradition.
You know what that means . . . . more totally useless information. There’s really no way to categorize this kind of stuff and I won’t even try. I’ll just put it out there for your enjoyment and you can decide if it’s worth your time or not. So, there will be no photographs today because I’m too preoccupied with being bored to be taking pictures. Let’s get started.
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28% of Africa is wilderness while 38% of North America is wilderness.
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On November 29, 2000, Pope John Paul II was made an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.
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Heavyweight boxing champion, Ken Norton, was rejected for the role of Apollo Creed in the 1976 film Rocky because he made the star Sylvester Stallone look too small.
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The largest fruit crop on earth is grapes – followed by bananas.
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No one knows exactly why a duck’s quack doesn’t echo.
I’m on my third cup of coffee, still in bed, and munching on a miniature lemon/poppy seed muffin. I just don’t get these small versions of normal muffins. People are only kidding themselves if they think it’s healthier to only eat these tiny little useless muffins instead of the real thing. Give me a big full sized, fat, sugary, crunchy muffin with two inches of frosting on it any day of the week. If you’re going to eat something sinful don’t mess around, go for it. Revel in the wickedness of your evil deeds. Forgive me but I seem to have wandered off the reservation a little due to the influences of this destructive and dangerous sugar I just ingested. Back to the point of this posting which as you should know is "there is no point".
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Actress Farrah Fawcett had a tap named after her – the gold plated Farrah Fawcet.
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The snow scenes in the film It’s a Wonderful Life were shot during a record heat wave in southern California.
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As of 2002, rats in New York outnumbered humans by twelve to one.
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A pigs orgasm lasts for thirty minutes.
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When press tycoon William Randolph Hearst sent a telegram to a leading astronomer asking if there was life on Mars and to please cable a thousand words on the subject, he received the reply, “Nobody knows,” repeated five hundred times.
It’s only proper when posting some useless information to end that posting with a big bang or three. There’s nothing better than a few really raunchy and bawdy limericks to kick start your day. Enjoy.
The derriere Doris displays
In the park never fails to amaze;
She flounces and bounces
Those wonderful ounces,
And old men are ecstatic for days.
* * *
There was a young virgin named Jeanie
Whose dad was an absolute meanie;
When he’d fashioned a hatch,
With a latch, for her snatch –
She could only be had by Houdini!
* * *
I’d rather have fingers than toes.
I’d rather have ears than a nose.
And, a happy erection
Brought just to perfection
Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
HAVE A GREAT DAY
I’ve spent most of this Summer documenting my activities in the garden and elsewhere. It was fun for me and I always had plenty of things to do which supplied me with lots of material for posting. With Winter fast approaching material concerning my outside activities will become a little more difficult to find. That’s okay I guess if all you want to read is a continuous steam of snow stories and photographs of more snow. Believe me when I tell you I’m no snow bunny and while I like Winter and snow that doesn’t mean I want to be outside playing in it. That’s for other people to do and for me to talk about, photograph, and make fun of.
Useless Quote #1
“The production of too many useful things results in too many useless people.” Karl Marx
As most of you know I have a huge collection of material that contains nothing but thousands of facts about everything and nothing. This blog was initially created to share some of that totally useless information and I think it’s time to lay some silly, stupid, yet true facts on all of you once again.
Useless Quote #2
“High School is like a spork it’s a crappy spoon and a crappy fork, so in the end it’s just plain useless.” John Mayer
Here are ten items which might be considered a teaser for things to come. You can judge that for yourself.
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People magazine began it’s Sexiest Man Alive covers in 1985. The first man to be so named was none other than that calm and rational Mel Gibson.
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The first federal census in this country was conducted in 1790. A population of 3,929,625 which included 697,624 slaves was recorded in the seventeen existing states.
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There are roughly 47 billion chickens in the world (this fact is supplied primarily as a jab at my better-half). She’s been strong arming me for months to buy a few chickens. Not happening lovey.
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American Gothic, the famous Grant Wood painting was completed in 1930. The couple posing for the piece were his dentist and sister. I hope Mr. Wood was better looking than his sister.
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More than half a million gallons of water pour over Niagara Falls every second. An interesting factoid but who really cares?
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Peter Merholtz is credited for coming up with the term "blog". Never heard of him before and I suspect I’ll never hear about him again.
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The first US intercollegiate athletic competition took place in August of 1852. Yale competed against Harvard in a rowing contest. Yawn. . . . .!
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In Arizona it ‘s against the law to have more than two dildos in a house. Is there anyone out there who wants to move to Arizona anyway? I think I’ll stay right where I’m at.
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The average person in the U.S. eats more than 50 tons of food in his or her lifetime. I’ll bet 30% of this food was purchased from drive-thru’s.
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Elvis Presley was born on January 8, 1935. His twin brother, Jesse Garon Presley, was stillborn. It could really have been interesting if his brother had survived. Just imagine two Elvis’s, what a duet that would have made.
Useless Quote #3
“You’re useless, I’m bored – yes or no” Simon Cowell
Everything you’ve always wanted to know about nothing in particular, right?. I hope to keep these tidbits coming on a regular basis throughout the winter between the snow storms. snow blowing, snow shoveling, and falling on my ass a few times.
This weekend began the process of harvesting and the start of Fair Season here in Maine. My better-half, her daughter and grandson decided to attend a small fair held in the town of nearby Acton, Maine. Compared to some of the larger fairs it left a lot to be desired but that being said it has four things everyone loves here in Maine. There was livestock (and plenty of it), there was kids rides, dozens of food booths, and of course a country and western singer. Throw in a fat guy and tree and you got Christmas.
I totally ignored my year long weight loss program to pig out a little on funnel cakes and french fries and it was wonderful. I’ve been looking for a good excuse or even a bad excuse to eat something bad for me because it’s been a long, long year. I was even followed around for a bit by this yoyo who insisted I take his picture, so I did. Munch this, bozo.
There was a large variety of livestock for such a small fair and if you like cows you’d have been in heaven.
The country singer was just barely acceptable and that’s an opinion from a person who dislikes all Country and Western music. Even my better-half, the person who hums C&W music in her sleep, wasn’t impressed. There were a few interesting animals besides just cows like alpacas and goats but I couldn’t for the life of me find a horse anywhere to photograph. I learned that today was only the first day of the fair and the horses weren’t scheduled to make an appearance until the weekend. Too bad for me cause I’m not coming back.
As I walked around I came upon this sheep being sheared. I felt sorry for the poor thing because it looked very unhappy with it’s entire situation.
It was a gray and cloudy day with a nip in the air to remind us all that Fall is arriving a little early this year. We had a great time nonetheless and when the grandson got tired of being pushed around in the stroller it was time to go. This final picture I snapped as we drove away. This was a member of the traffic control team who was parking cars. No uniformed police here in Acton, he was on lunch.
I have a few least favorite things but two in particular. First, I hate having my teeth drilled. The sound and smell of teeth drilling makes me cringe because it’s been done all to often over the years. Second, I hate doctors, nurses and hospitals. I do realize they’re a necessary evil but I hate them none the less.
My late mother was never a well person. Through all of her illnesses and surgeries there paraded scores of doctors who spent more time spending her money than fixing her problems. Each specialist prescribed different medicines and drugs with little or no thought to the many others doing the same damn thing. They almost killed her a couple of times with their constant insistence that the next drug was the one that would fix everything. She trusted them with her life but I will not.
I’m ranting about doctors because I spent yesterday afternoon being manhandled by the new and improved healthcare system. Obamacare cost me my doctor of fifteen years when he threw up his hands last year, sold his practice, and left the country. I really wish I could have gone with him.
I arrived yesterday to go through an annoying series of blood tests which are required every time I turn around. I arrived early being the obedience dumb ass that I am and then sat for forty minutes while I waited for a computer person to enter my name into a freaking computer. Big surprise, they had no record of my blood test request or my upcoming doctors appointment. My obedient behavior became a thing of the past as I intimidated everyone involved to pull their heads out of their collective asses and get their act together. After another half hour I was advised that my doctors appointment I thought was scheduled for next week had been changed. Oops, no one sent me an email or letter telling me that. After much bitching and complaining on my part they agreed to fast-track my blood work to have it ready for my newly scheduled appointment tomorrow at 10am.
I had a surly and annoying young lady stick me and remove a number of tubes of my beautiful red blood. She was in quite the mood about something but decided to be an asshole toward me. Little did she know that I was once married for a very long time and that my-ex wife made her look like an freaking amateur when it came to pissing me off.
It’s now tomorrow and I’ve just returned from my annual doctors appointment All my numbers were perfect but he insisted on giving me the old one fingered prostate exam while a female assistant looked on. She was hot enough to be one of my hundreds of sexual fantasies but not after today. That ship has sailed. He then announced that he had an early Christmas gift for me this year. He’ll be scheduling me for my fifth colonoscopy in the last 9 years. My ass seemed to be very popular today for some reason.
Just to reiterate, I hate effing doctors, Medicare, Obamacare and Obama as well.
After a little reflection it occurred to me that many of you have heard enough about gardens, canning, and other assorted foolishness I’m involved with. There will certainly be more of that soon enough but not today.
This blog was named Every Useless Thing for a reason. I love odd facts and facts that aren’t commonly known. I’ve drifted away from that of late and that needs to be remedied. I’ve been collecting sources of useless information for many years and still have a lot to pass on to all you.
As I sit here trying to concentrate I keep praying that this Novocain my dentist shot me full of wears off soon. I’m afraid to drink any hot coffee for fear of scalding my mouth. He said it’s effects should pass after an hour or so. It’s not that I think he doesn’t know what he’s talking about but dammit it’s already been two and half hours. I‘m sure you’ll be glad to know that after his fine work this morning I’m beautiful again. The world can once again rest easy.
Let’s get to the good stuff. More things you could care less about unless you hope to win a trivia contest or a few bar bets.
Bishamon, Daikoku, Ebisu, Fukurokuju, Jurojin
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Neil Armstrong stepped onto the moon using his left foot first.
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President Andrew Jackson’s pet parrot had to be removed from his funeral in 1845 because it was swearing.
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Lee Harvey Oswald was dyslexic.
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Joseph Stalin, whose left arm was noticeably shorter than his right, also had webbed toes on his left foot.
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In the eight year period Ronald Reagan was president, the White House bought 12 tons of his favorite jelly beans.
I know you’ve missed this stuff no matter what you tell me. It just keeps getting more interesting and exciting. (sarcasm off)
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The difference between a nook and a cranny is that the nook is a corner and the cranny is a crack.
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Race car is a palindrome.
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Mick Jagger turned down a 3.5 million pound advance offer on his memoirs from a publisher because, he said, “couldn’t remember” enough significant details from his own life.
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Idiot quote: “Everything that can be invented has been invented.” U.S. Patent Office 1899
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A cat has four rows of whiskers.
I’m almost finished so hang in there for a minute. It’s not really as boring as you seem to think.
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The license number of the General Lee in The Dukes of Hazard was CNH 320.
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There are 1,943 names listed in the closing credits of The Matrix Reloaded.
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Virginia Woolf wrote all her books standing up.
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“Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver.” –Carol Malia, BBC TV presenter.
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Pasta vermicelli means “little worms”.
All finished, another installment of useless crap has been distributed. Use it at your own risk, it can sometimes piss people off. You’ve been warned.
everyuselessthing.com 