Archive for the ‘Kill Me, I’m Begging You’ Category
I filled up the gas tank of my car yesterday and spent $18.00. I also ordered a heating oil delivery of 100 gallons at $1.30 per. What the hell is really going on? We have all this good news happening and still the stock market is yo-yoing hundreds of points up and down. I’m certainly glad I pulled all of my IRA funds out of the market and bought Certificates of Deposit.
It’s been a number of years since we’ve seen these low prices but I’m not getting my hopes up just yet. Being the cynical SOB that I am I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. There’s no way in hell the powers-that-be can let this go on for much longer. Don’t you know it’s the job of the citizenry to pay more taxes, more surcharges, more fees, and to give, give, give, until it hurts. If you don’t do that or even complain just a little then you’ll be branded as selfish and of course racist. I’ll just keep holding my breath until it’s time to pay the piper for all this temporary good fortune.
‘The end of life as we know it . . . NOT’
I see again that the next gigantic, horrific, and dangerous "Storm of the Century" is making it’s way across the country. I’m supposed to feel bad for all those folks living in the mid-Atlantic states who’ve have mild winters almost every year for as long as I can remember. While we in the north are up to our asses in snow drifts they are posting about the flowers they just planted and closing their schools when they get an inch of snow. Boo-hoo folks. Suck it up, shovel some snow, and fall on your ass a few times. Actually go to a store and buy a snow shovel. See what it feels like to have a little bit of winter to deal with.
Am I being too harsh? Am I not feeling their pain? That would be a big YES. I can sit back for the foreseeable future and listen to every weather person, news commentator, and politician who can get some face-time on TV as they whine on and on about this terrible storm.
‘Hurry, get to the store for bread, milk, and TP.’
I have only one more thing to say. I just don’t care. The government in it’s infinite wisdom should invest it’s money to buy every illegal alien a snow shovel and bus fare to the east coast. They should be able to have everyone shoveled out in just a day or two. Rumor has it that our racist citizens really don’t like all that manual labor so let’s give that job to the illegals too. Make them earn all the free benefits we are all being forced to pay for.
Have a wonderful and snowy winter you poor bastards.
U. S.A. . . . U. S. A. . . . U. S. A.
Maine has finally found it’s typical winter weather. No more warmth, no more green anything, just ice, snow, frigid cold, and nothing much else in sight for at least another three months. Just great . . .
Now that the holidays have come and gone and things have calmed down a little we can now ready ourselves for the next fiasco, Valentine’s Day. I won’t go into my normal rant about crappy made-up holidays but I’m not too excited by it. I was hoping the Super Bowl might get me interested in something but since my team was crushed by Denver . . . . who cares.
This time of the year wears on a person like nothing else. Too much time to think and to reexamine your life and the prospects for the future. I have to say even that gets boring as hell after a while. Right in the middle of all of this I received news of the passing of a good friend. He was my ex-brother-in-law and a kindred spirit for almost twenty years. I always admired him for his intellect, his terrific sense of humor, and his competitive spirit. My divorce separated me from my ex-wife and unfortunately for me I lost contact with him and his family as well. There was very little I could do about it.
In recent years he’d been suffering from illnesses that finally took his life. It was a huge loss for his wife, children, and grand children and for me as well. Just one more thing to think about on these gray and cold days of winter.
I’m forced to fall back on my sketching and painting to keep my mind right. I know it’s getting bad when I’m starting to get excited about having my car inspected in February.
R.I.P. JOHN
I went to bed last night with expectations of a light snow fall and awoke this morning with almost five inches of the white stuff clogging my driveway. And a special thanks goes out to the Saco snowplow driver for missing my mailbox and then filling my driveway with eight inches of snow. So instead of a quiet morning lounging in bed I was forced to brave the cold and snow to clear the damn driveway. How could my better-half possibly survive if she couldn’t get out to shop sometime today?
This was my morning wake up call.
The snow made for interesting pictures as it stuck to each and every tree branch we could see. I snapped a few photos with my point-and-shoot camera but by the time I got around to getting my Nikon ready the snow was already dropping from the trees. Here are a few substandard pics to give you some idea of what I’m talking about.
The rest of the day was spent running errands and generally just screwing around. She enjoyed her day off and I enjoyed getting out of the house for a while. More snow in the forecast for the weekend so we’ve got to enjoy the time out when we can.
I’m sorry for the short post but other responsibilities need tending to. More to follow soon.
I spent some time yesterday rereading some of my recent postings and I was a little disappointed. Anytime I find myself writing about boredom and depression the warning flags go up.
As a result of those feeling I sat down yesterday and wrote a rather long and harsh assessment of American politics and American politicians. After reading it for the third time I deleted the entire thing and went back to the drawing board. My problem with politics is that even though I try to remain calm these stupid politicians continually do everything they can to take money out of my pocket and also to erode as many of my basic civil rights as possible. Not one party is guilty, they all are. Sometimes I must rant or I’ll just explode and make a mess.
If I’m going to be bored and blue I might as well attempt to ridicule a portion of the population I dislike . . . celebrities and so-called famous people. They try so hard to be the cultural or pop icons for the masses but almost always do or say something utterly stupid or inane. I thought I’d give you an interesting review of some no-so-well spoken fools.
“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” –Irving Fisher, Economics Professor at Yale, in 1929, just before the Wall Street Crash.
“His ears are too big. He looks like an ape.” – American film producer Darryl F. Zanuck, refusing to sign Cary Grant to Warner Brothers.
“Who in the hell wants to hear actors talk?” – Harry Warner of Warner Brothers in 1927.
“We don’t like their sound. Groups with guitars are on their way out.” – Dick Rowe, A&R man at Decca, turning down the Beatles in 1962.
“Everything that can be invented has been invented.” – Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.
This is a perfect example of people who are know-it-all’s that don’t know it all. Let’s move onto a new subject, last utterances before death. There are too many to list but this one just made my day.
Meher Baba, Indian guru who spoke his last words in 1925, 44 years before his death. The last thing he said before taking a vow of silence was:
“Don’t worry, be happy.”
A guru with a bizarre sense of humor or just a dumb ass with nothing more to say. We will never know.
Let’s move on to famous people who became famous for committing the ultimate crime . . . murder. You always hear that they get a last meal request just prior to the end. Let’s see what they ask for:
Gary Gilmore executed by firing squad in Utah 1/17/77 – A last meal of hamburger, eggs, and potatoes. His last words were “Let’s do it.”
Timothy McVeigh, the “Oklahoma Bomber”, executed on 6/11/2001 – His last meal consisted of two pints of mint chocolate ice cream.
Larry White was executed on 5/22/97 for the murder of a 72 year old woman. – His last meal was liver and fried onions, tomatoes, cottage cheese, and a glass of water. The state refused his request for a last cigarette on health grounds (How moronic is the state?).
John William Rook was executed by lethal injection on 9/19/86 for the rape and murder of a nurse. – His last meal was a dozen hotdogs with mustard and a can of cola.
‘Ted Bundy’
Here’s one last quote from a former famous guitar player Terry Kath of the group Chicago. On 1/23/78 he was putting away some guns at a roadie’s house after a party. He stated emphatically, “Don’t worry, it’s not loaded.”, put the barrel to his head, pulled the trigger, and died instantly.
BEING FAMOUS DEFINITELY DOESN’T MAKE YOU SMARTER
With the holidays, the warm weather, and the snow storm behind us it’s time to move along into 2016. I was pleasantly surprised this morning when all of a sudden the clouds parted and the sun came out to play. It’s still as cold as hell but having that sunshine makes all the difference in the world.
It was time for my better-half and me to get our butts out of the house for a few hours. We ran a few errands, did a little food shopping, and of course took a few pictures. Winter pictures tend to be lackluster unless you have a monster storm of some sort. We decided to take a cruise around the adjacent neighborhoods to check things out. As you can see in this picture even some of the horses weren’t too happy with the cold which required getting their coats out of storage.
They all seemed glad to be out of the barn for a few hours and were pretty frisky. This good looking fellow wanted to visit with me with the hopes that I had an apple, carrot, or sugar cube in my pocket. Unfortunately for him I had nothing with me. In the future I’ll be carrying a few things in the car so as not to disappoint our four legged friends again.
‘Where’s my snack, Jack?’
It felt good to get out into the fresh air for a while but we returned home to this scene near the house. I’ve been showing you photo’s of my garden all summer and it’s only fair to show you how sad it looks right now.
‘Now’
‘Then’
I think I just succeeded in depressing myself all over again. Oh well, just five more months of winter (OMG) and things will be green and growing again. It’s going to be a very long, long, long, five months. Now I do need a drink.
I was just getting readjusted to my so-called normal life after the Christmas insanity ended and was really hoping for some quiet downtime. Oh how stupid I must be. It just never seems to work out the way I plan. All of the unseasonably warm weather abruptly ended yesterday with a beautiful yet annoying snow storm.
Yesterday was spent getting up close and personal with my snowblower once again. The final snow amounts have yet to be determined since it’s still snowing but my better-half shoveled at least five inches off the deck last night so the total will be a bit more than that.
Today will be spent looking out the window while our last holiday visitor tries to make travel arrangements to get out of here. It appears he’ll be taking a short bus ride to Boston, staying there for a day, and then a flight back to Los Angeles. I have a feeling he’ll be really happy about getting back to the surf and sun of California.
We’re planning on a reasonably quiet night for our New Years celebration with Chinese takeout and hopefully a movie or two. I’m sure my better-half is already having day dreams of watching all of the vacuous celebrities strutting their stuff in New York. Watching the ball drop with her is for me is much like getting a root canal without anesthesia. I’m hoping she’ll come to her senses but I’ve been hoping for that for years and I’m still waiting.
So I’ll just sit around today waiting for the snow to get deep enough to require me to fire up the snowblower. I suppose the remainder of the day can be spent reading, painting, or possibly even napping. Since the house is still filled with every kind of cake, cookie, and candy you can possibly think of, I need to stay busy and away from all the junk food.
Enjoy your New Year’s celebration but be smart about it. Don’t drink and drive. Find a boring sober friend and give him your keys.
HAPPY 2016
P.S. Good news! We made it through the first snow storm without the snowplow operators destroying our mailbox. Maybe that’s a sign from God or just dumb luck.
Thank God the Christmas season is finally behind us for another year. As much as I enjoy it while it lasts, when it’s over it’s over. Let’s’ move right along to the next all consuming holiday, New Years. It’s during this in-between time every year that I usually do a final review of my New Year’s resolutions and introduce my list for 2016. With that in mind here is a quick recap of 2015.
2015
1. I vow to exercise for forty-one minutes every other day for the entire year. COMPLETED – I’m now up to 46 minutes.
2. I vow to call President Obama nasty names only during months with an "R" in them. COMPLETED, This one was easy.
3. I further vow to never say anything good about President Obama in months without an "R". COMPLETED: This one was even easier.
CAUSTIC COMMENT – Goodbye OBAMA, your fifteen minutes is almost over.
4. I vow to never blurt out any F-Bombs in front of the grandson now that he’s started repeating damn near everything. COMPLETED
5. I vow to say many more F-Bombs around those people (except the grandsons) who irritate, annoy or piss me off. COMPLETED, and still going strong.
6. I vow to stop flirting with just anyone. There are times when I feel like such a slut and that’s not good for my self esteem. INCOMPLETE, It’s really difficult to break this semi-bad habit but my hearts not really into trying.
7. For the third year in a row I vow not to prance naked anywhere near the front picture window. It creeps out the neighbors and one or two of our regular joggers. COMPLETE, Due entirely to my better-half’s purchase of a new window treatment.
8. I also vow not to screw with my cat as much this year due to his advanced age and sharp claws. INCOMPLETE, I have a few new scars but he really deserves being messed with whenever possible.
9. I vow to take at least 500 really good photographs a month. INCOMPLETE, I’m just not getting it done.
10. Read 2 books a week for a year. COMPLETE, 104 AS OF 12/29/2015.
Now for my resolutions for 2016. I’ve been giving these a lot of thought because I feel the need to shake things up a little. Here goes.
2016
1. With the help of my better-half, complete the family recipe book. We’ve procrastinated long enough.
2. Complete my blog book for 2015.
3. Between August 8th and New Years, complete at least one more tandem skydive.
4. Buy a dog.
5. Keep my foul language to an absolute minimum around the grand kids. I know at some point they’ll both learn all those nasty words but let it be from someone other than me.
6. Set aside at least two days a month for some quality time with my camera along the Maine coast or in the woods.
7. Try as hard as I can to give a damn about politics. You should know this resolution has absolutely no chance of ever being accomplished.
8. Try to be a little more confrontational and assertive with ignorant people who insist on annoying me. No more Mr. Nice Guy.
9. Stop eating potato chips.
10. Set time aside to get back into sketching and painting. I’ve gotten away from it for a few years and it’s time to return.
There you have it. I completed seventy percent of my resolutions for 2015 and I’m really proud of myself but I’m also reasonably sure the list for this year will be a lot more difficult.
I can only keep on keeping on.
‘Is this weird enough for you?’
Three days to go. Three more days of retail madness in a sea of questionable citizens. As I’ve stated a number of times recently this may be the weirdest Christmas I’ve ever had. Overly warm weather, no snow, no sleet, no slush, no SNIRT (Snow + Dirt), and all of that having a strange effect on the population including me.
Observation #1 – As I drive around through the surrounding countryside all I’ve been seeing are snowmobiles and snow blowers parked in the grass along the roads with For Sale signs on them. All of our more determined snow bunnies are now being forced to travel into the White Mountains in nearby New Hampshire if they want to frolic in the white stuff. We have none.
Observation #2 – One of the major priorities in Maine is preparation for Winter by purchasing sufficient amounts of heating oil, wood or other fuels well in advance of Christmas. Heating oil costs over the last few years have fluctuated between $2.75 per gallon to $3.45 per gal. It’s currently hovering just below the two dollar mark and dropping. Hooray for us and our bank accounts. This kind of weirdness I can learn to love. It’s one of the reasons I’m sitting here in my man-cave this morning waiting the arrival of an oil delivery truck. When the price drops like this it’s time to fill up the tank.
‘Ho, Ho, Ho, who wouldn’t go!’
Observation #3 – The warm weather has people here a bit confused and acting strangely. The better-half dragged me along on another one of her shopping forays to Walmart recently. We all know Walmart is known for some truly off-the-wall folks that can be seen there on any given day. This week I saw at least ten people in shorts, T-shirts, and strutting their stuff in flip-flops. It was 35 degrees for God’s sake.
‘Goats love going for a spin.’
Observation #4 – I’ve saved the best for last. I’ve been telling the world about Maine and Mainers for years and at times I gotten the feeling they think I might be exaggerating. This blurb may just prove my point once and for all.
‘They love feeling the wind in their hair.’
Yesterday morning I was looking out my picture window with a hot cup of coffee in my hand. I was watching the early morning traffic speeding by when I saw a truck approaching in the distance. It was one of those huge Suburban pickup trucks all clean and shiny. As it passed by I saw what I thought was a dog hanging out of the passenger side window like they love to do. As it got closer I started laughing to show my appreciation for Maine once again. It wasn’t a dog at all but a big brown goat. Sitting right next to the driver and enjoying the ride. Only two things could have improved that moment. The first would have been to have my camera ready and to have snapped that picture. The second would have been if that damn goat had been wearing a Santa hat.
‘Nothing as romantic as a man and his goat.’
One Mainer + One Pickup Truck + One Happy Goat = One Weird Christmas
3 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
I know it’s the Christmas season and I also know that requires us to be as cheerful and happy as possible. I hope you’ll appreciate this break in all the happiness to listen to one of my short Christmas rants. Sit back and enjoy while I vent for a bit and try to get my blood pressure to drop back to normal levels.
For many years I made a point of skipping flu shots for one simple reason. Every time I got a flu shot, surprise, surprise, I immediately got the flu. As soon as I mentioned that to any healthcare provider I was given the always handy excuse of "It’s really just a milder version of the flu so be glad about that." I found it difficult to to be too glad so I finally stopped taking the shots. Just as a point of fact, I still got the damn flu and it didn’t feel all that different from the so-called milder version. What does that tell you? It tells me that it’d possible that someone’s been pumping a whole lot of sunshine up my skirt and getting away with it for years.
I realize that the politicians in this country think that all of us non-political mouth-breathers are morons and uneducated idiots. I should add the entire healthcare system thinks that way as well with all of it’s so-called experts speaking down to us at every opportunity. I may be a moron and an idiot but I’m still able to recognize a huge pile of BS when I see it, step in it, or smell it. Right now I’m doing all three.
‘Can’t see Santa till you get that flu shot kiddies.’
We constantly hear talk that certain chemicals used to create flu shots and other vaccines may be one of the causes of the massive increase in children diagnosed with forms of autism. Since I’m an idiot and a moron I’m expected to go along with all of the experts when it comes to injecting vaccines into my body. I’m also expected to believe all of the rhetoric and propaganda that’s shoved down my throat for a few months each year.
Over the years they’ve just made it too damn easy to get flu shots. We can go to drug stores, malls, Walmart, and community centers. Maybe next year they’ll include a few gas stations, car repair shops, 7/11’s, or even have drive-thru service on interstate highway rest stops. Those rest stops are known for quite a diverse cross-section of the population who also are in need of flu shots.
I received my flu shot this year in September and guess what? I’ve been sick with a host of flu symptoms for two months that never seem to go away. This must prove just how right the experts are, right? Instead of a one week case of the flu I’m now able to suffer for a month or more with their damn weaker version which really makes for a wonderful Christmas. I can sneeze, wheeze, and contaminate my entire family. This mouth breathing moron is slowly waking up. . . . no more effing flu shots for me.
HAVE A MERRY FLU INFESTED CHRISTMAS – 6 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
I think the arrival of Christmas Day may be just a bit anticlimactic this year. Maybe not for you (if you have kids) but for me I’m afraid it could be. I bought my first presents back in July of this year in my lame attempt to get as much of the preparation done as early as possible. I accomplished that easily enough but little did I know there’d be a huge downside to it as well.
So today is the sixteenth of December and in about an hour I’ll be mailing off four Christmas cards to my family members. For all intents and purpose Christmas is already over for me, I’m just sitting around waiting for the day to get here. Then I can move on to the next holiday, then the next one after that, and on and on and on it goes.
‘And a merry little Christmas to you all.’
My attempt to do all of my shopping online this year was only 85% successful. Hopefully by next year I’ll have figured out a better way to do things. I purchased a number of gift cards this year from different business and will hand them out as needed but next year I’ll order them on line and have them mailed direct. Thank you ever so much Amazon. I can even get my regular gifts ordered online, have them gift wrapped, and sent on their way with a card. Easy peasy, right?
I know some of you out there will accuse me of having no real Christmas spirit. That I’m losing that personal touch by not elbowing my way through throngs of idiots to make my purchases. I’ll be forced to miss out on parking problems, arrogant store employees, and the many fine citizens who insist on being a-holes or even worse. I’ll certainly miss all of those high pressure sales people who love getting in my face to annoy and irritate me as I stroll through the mall. How can I possibly choose not to smell the body odor of hundreds of overdressed and sweaty shoppers. If that doesn’t get you into the Christmas spirit nothing will.
As you can plainly see, I’m bored out of my effing skull waiting for the day to finally arrive. Am I excited? Yes! Will the day meet and exceed my expectations? I can only hope. The only saving grace will be the grand children. A couple of excited smiles from them will make up for all the BS that seems to be more of a requirement these days than ever before.
EIGHT SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
And coming all too soon:
everyuselessthing.com 