Archive for the ‘Kill Me, I’m Begging You’ Category
The cat and I have been reduced to bachelor status since my better-half flew off to Delaware until next Tuesday. She had a death in her family and had to to drop everything quickly and catch a flight. I dropped her at the airport in a freaking blizzard and returned home. Three hours later she was still in the plane sitting on the runway waiting for it to be deiced. Just hearing that made my palms a little sweaty. That late start insured she’d miss her connector in Newark and be forced to stay the night at one of New Jersey’s finer motels. Anything that an airlines agrees to pay for will almost certainly be on the lower end of the luxury scale. She eventually made it to Baltimore the following day as a much more experienced traveler than when she left.
I woke up yesterday to a little more snow but it didn’t upset me at all. I tried to get a good nights sleep but the cat was being a huge pain in the ass. He was upset that my better-half wasn’t there and kept getting up when he heard noises thinking she had come home. It drove me a little crazy and around 3 am after a few minutes of rude name calling I locked him out of the bedroom. It truly is a miracle that he’s lived as long as he has because I’ve wanted to kill him on numerous occasions and last night was one of them. He’s definitely used up all of his nine lives by now so he’d better be careful in the future.
Today I thawed out a large container of my four alarm, OMFG chili and choked it down while watching TV and working on the computer. I’ve been doing everything possible to convince Windows 8.1 to accept an old computer game from 1995 so I can play it once again. It’s my all time favorite simulation and Hooray, Hooray, I finally got it working. The game is called Pharaoh with an add-on called Cleopatra. It’s still good after all these years and tomorrow I’ll be spending a good part of the day having some fun with it.
The cat has calmed down a little so tonight should be a little quieter. With any luck I’ll be able to get out with my camera tomorrow and commune with good old Mother Nature for a while. I’d like to get another collection of really good snow photos before winter suddenly comes to an end.
My better-half should be returning on Tuesday after the funeral and I’ll sure be happy about that.
For years we’ve all been seeing and hearing about the numerous incidents of road rage that seem to occur daily somewhere in this country. There are shootings, stabbings, fist fights, and worse reported. Over the years I’ve had two memorable road rage incidents where I was once the aggressor and once the victim. I’m not proud of my actions but for some reason throwing the finger just wasn’t enough at those times. I can understand how those incidents can quickly become hostile and extremely dangerous. I once had an older gray haired women do her very best to run me off the road into some guard rails with her big Cadillac sedan. I never even received the obligatory one finger salute before she tried to kill me.
Living in Maine for all these years has made me aware of a local problem somewhat similar to road rage but not quite as serious. In Maine we have Snow Rage. With all the snow the northeast has been receiving this year many people in the surrounding states are seeing and experienced it for the first time.
Since the beginning of the year we’ve been buried in serious amounts of snow and as I cruise around I find myself witnessing many snow rage incidents. I recently saw a little old man shoveling his driveway entrance after the snow plow almost buried him. I couldn’t hear exactly what he was yelling but along with the one finger salute was quite the string of obscenities.
In a nearby town the streets are clogged with snow to the point of insanity. I watched a guy snow blowing large amounts of snow from his driveway back into the city street. With no place to put it he really had no other choice. Unfortunately he failed to see a passing motorist who was pelted with a huge stream of dirty snow across his windshield. There was a considerable amount of yelling and screaming but as they talked the motorist must have felt a little sympathy for the plight of the home owner. They shook hands and went on about their business. Violence was avoided by their agreement that there was too much damn snow, that snow plow drivers suck, and the town isn’t getting the streets cleaned like it should. No guns were pulled or punches thrown as you usually see in some road rage incidents.
I see and hear many innocent and loud discussions taking place in parking lots all over the area but never any real violence. We’re all being victimized by good old Mother Nature and regardless of how much we bitch and complain she just doesn’t care. Living in Maine can be trying at times but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
I have a huge smile on my face today for the first time in a long while. I’m celebrating the big OOPS from the weather forecasters. All I’ve been hearing for the last week is OMG prepare for the blizzard of the century. The warnings began with stock up on food, water, gasoline, and possibly condoms. Then they said, the snow is going to be so deep you may not be able to leave the house at all, it’s the storm of the millennium, the blizzard of all blizzards, wind chills of twenty below zero! God help us all! It was all just so much BS.
I went to bed last night expecting to wake up to 24 plus inches of fresh snow, drifts seven feet high, and winds over fifty mph. NOT, NOT, AND NOT. I went out early to clear the driveway and measured just 4-5 inches of new snow and the wind speed was moderate. So many businesses and agencies who listen and swear by these weather people had cancelled their activities as reflected on every TV channel in the area last night.
I returned to the house and made myself a great breakfast of bacon, eggs, toast and coffee. I looked out the window and it still wasn’t snowing. I returned to my chore of clearing more snow from the deck so I could reach the bird feeders. The birds have been clamoring for days for seed and suet refills and I was beginning to feel just a little guilty.
It took about twenty minutes to complete and all the while the birds were circling me and the feeders and waiting for me to get he hell out of the way. These woodpeckers are especially aggressive and are constantly fighting with the blue jays for ownership of the feeders. On top of that they barely tolerate me being in the area. Damn birds.
For two days I’ve been clearing tons of snow and ice from my deck. It wraps around the second floor of the house and is a joy in warm weather. However in the winter it’s a real bitch. I’ve found out this year just how well built it really is and how much weight it can hold.
I think I’ll retire to the living room soon and get reacquainted with my X-Box. I need an hour or two of head clearing mayhem before the better-half gets home from work and rewrites my honey-do list.
Thanks to all of you weather people out there for your miscalculations and incorrect forecasts. Keep up the good work.
Another day in the deep freeze that is Maine. I keep bitching about all of the snow but each day I’m also anticipating and hoping for a few snow free days. We had three or four inches of snow yesterday which this year is like nothing at all. I’ve been constantly trying to widen the driveway in order to have more room for the new snow that’s coming but it’s a losing battle. Here are a few mailbox related photo’s. None of them are my mail box because it was totally destroyed by the snow plow in the last storm. I have only a bag full of pieces left.
‘This is as good as you can hope for.’
‘This delusional neighbor honestly thought these red streamers would help.’
‘You’ve Got Mail – NOT’
I checked the weather forecast last night and OMFG was I sorry I did. A new storm is on the way and is forecast to drop somewhere in the area of two more feet on us on Saturday and Sunday. To add insult to injury they’re predicting wind gusts of fifty mph which should make for some humongous snow drifts and ball freezing wind chills. The drifts could possibly get as high as six feet or more.
With all of that good news coming our way I’m going to spend this snow free Friday preparing for the coming storm and also our celebration of Valentines Day. I’ve completed my shopping for Valentines Day gifts and if it snows a few feet we’ll have lots of snuggling time to be sure.
My better-half made arrangements last night for a heating oil delivery this morning and I’m patiently waiting for the truck to get here. I spent a half-hour last night digging a path from the driveway around the side of the house to where the oil tank nozzle is located. If we don’t have a path properly cleared they won’t deliver the oil. I’m always cooperative especially when I have no freaking choice.
The next chore is to make a quick trip out for a few gallons of gas for the snowblower. With all this snow on the way the blower will be getting a serious workout and I certainly don’t want to run out of fuel. I’d have a heart attack and die if I was forced to shovel all this white crap by hand. We’ve stocked up on food and checked the generator to make sure we’ll have power if there’s an outage. Just a normal process we must adhere to for any large winter storm here in Maine. Then we can sit back, watch the snow pile up, and pray for Spring to arrive.
I heard on the news yesterday that we’ve had between seventy and eighty inches of snow since the first of the year which even in Maine is outrageous. It should make for some really cool photographs and I intend to take as many as I possibly can. I guess the old saying is true, “when you’re given lemons make lemonade.”
My life is no longer my own. It seems my only purpose in life is to monitor the weather reports to determine how much snow is coming and then to spend a great deal of time moving the white stuff around to clear walkways and the driveway. With two storms a week becoming the norm I can anticipate more and more snow in the next few weeks.
Even my cat is pissed about the snow. His routine includes four hours a day lying on a huge bean bag in front of the picture window. He loves watching traffic go by and seeing the birds flying around. That’s his job and if you get right down to it, it’s a better job than mine. I took this picture today as he sat looking out at the snow. He’s not too happy about it either.
‘It’s a little tough to see much of anything.’
The snow and ice on the roof worry me a little because every night the news reports tell of collapsing roofs on all sorts of buildings. As you can see from this view from my bedroom window, the icicles are almost ten feet long on the rear of the house.
It’s a wonder that any of the birds that stick around through the winter are still alive. We normally feed them all winter but it’s tough even getting to the feeders with five or six feet of snow making it almost impossible. I tried to take a short walk just a few feet into the backyard and this was as far as I could get.
I keep hearing that this is the snowiest winter in recent memory here in Maine. Taking into account that March is normally our snowiest month we may be in for a lot more before Spring decides to arrive. If this craziness keeps up I may have to invest in a much larger and fancier snowblower. It should have a nice padded seat, a heater, and a hookup for my Ipod. A cup holder would also be nice because I wouldn’t want to spill my Irish coffee.
Then bring on the effing snow.
Before I start my post for today I thought I’d celebrate for just a moment the 104th birthday of one of my favorite people, Ronald Wilson Reagan, our fortieth president. Things have certainly gone downhill since he left the presidency and he is sorely missed. Happy Birthday Mr. President!
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My convalescence continues today after my colonoscopy. I was told to take it easy for a few days and I tend to listen closely to doctors who tell me to do things I enjoy doing. So a lazy day for catching up on emails, writing a little, and loafing a lot. We’ve been given a one day reprieve by the weather gods with no snow anticipated. Starting tomorrow we’re being warned of another damn snowstorm preparing to drop a foot or more of snow on us. We already have so much snow we’re running out of places to put it. These pictures were taken in the city of Biddeford, Maine yesterday and as you can see another foot of snow will make walking around town a real chore.
Our family group braved the cold weather last night and thoroughly enjoyed a meal at Famous Dave’s. There were ribs, brisket, and sauces all around. I’d been jonesing for catfish for the last two weeks and it was well worth the wait. The grandson munched on his favorite meal of Mac and Cheese, pineapple chunks, and a few Oreo cookies. Top that off with a glass of chocolate milk and he was in hog heaven. It was a great evening out even though the temps were near zero and the wind-chill even worse.
Our visitor from Los Angeles, my better-half’s oldest son, flies out today to return to the left coast. He was greeted here by more snow than he’s seen for many years. He’ll appreciate that California weather a lot more I’m sure.
It’s Thursday morning and I’ve just arrived home from the hospital. My hopes for a clean report on my colonoscopy are again disappointing. After a thorough scoping by a very competent doctor he found one stinking polyp. It was too large to burn off so he snipped a chunk from it for further testing. He assured me that 90% of all these polyps are normally benign. So for now I’ll be forced to go with that all the while keeping my fingers crossed.
‘Yuck + Yuck + Yuck = My Night’
You should know that the 36 hours before the colonoscopy were absolute hell. I’ve been through a number of colonoscopy cleansings and as this one began I was happy at just how easy it seemed to be going. The laxative pills were small and harmless looking, the Gatorade didn’t taste too bad, and the laxative powder that went into the Gatorade looked innocent enough. Will I never learn.
I began by taking two pills and then drinking four classes of the laxative laced Gatorade every 30 minutes. I took a break and drink just plain water for an hour and then drank another glass full every half-hour until it was all gone. At 10 pm I was to take two more pills, drink a few more glasses of water and wait. Let me tell you a little secret, I didn’t have to wait very long.
Just after I went to bed all hell broke loose in my body. It was back and forth to the bathroom with each trip becoming more urgent than the last. I won’t try to describe the nastiness that occurred between two and three in the morning. All I’ll say is that at 2 am I was forced into taking an emergency shower, then forced to mop the bathroom floor, and later to strip my bed and do an emergency load of laundry. It was ugly, nasty, humiliating, and unforgettable.
With the results from todays explorations I’m to remain in the five year rotation for future colonoscopies. It seems those folks in my gene pool passed along some of their more depressing traits to yours truly. The story of my effing life.
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’Looking Out the Front Window Today’
I’ve just had my first solid food in the last forty-eight hours and it was fantastic. I’ve been ordered to take it easy for the rest of the day and to get some well needed nap time. There’s really nothing much more to blog about today except for the damn snow storm raging outside my window. I’ll hibernate for the remainder of the week and hopefully get things back to normal by the weekend.
I’m sure glad this is over with.
I’m almost fully recovered from he damn flu . . . . finally. My ability to taste food has returned and my temperature has fallen back into the normal range. I’m feeling good and looking forward to the continuing insanity that will be the remainder of my winter.
I always plan for slow times in January and February but this year isn’t cooperating. I started out with the flu in January, next a colonoscopy, then a car inspection, an annual doctors visit, a dentist appointment, and finally an eye exam. After all of those pain-in-the-ass chores it will be the end of March and winter will be almost over. Along with that list is the ongoing bathroom remodel which has been in limbo because of the flu.
The weather remains snowy and snowy and even more snowy. We already have more than three feet of snow and are expecting another foot or two within the week. If you are a skiing, skating, snowmobiling or snowboarding snow bunny then Maine is where you need to be.
My house has two feet of snow on the roof and ice hanging everywhere else. There must be ten ton of ice and snow that at some point will come crashing down behind the house. God help any living thing that happens to be roaming around when that happens. There could be deaths reported.
I hope these steps survive the ice drop in one piece this year. In years past I’ve been required to replace rails and steps after they’ve been crushed by the falling ice.
I love waking up to the winter view from the window in my bedroom but this is what I saw yesterday as I opened the curtains. More freaking ice. I suppose it could be worse and I’m almost positive it will be. My better-half and I are heading out into the snow and ice with cameras in hand to see what we can see. I’ll post any interesting pictures as soon as I can.
It’ time to gear up and get moving.
This week begins the warm-up for one of my least favorite experiences I’ve been cursed with over the years. It’s a special gift passed on to me through the genes of my late parents and one I wish I could have refused. The secret word for today is COLONOSCOPY. I begin my preparations tomorrow for my seventh anal adventure and hopefully my last. Over the next few postings I’ll document as best I can within the limits of good taste the wonders of medical science I’m about to experience. Lucky you!
My introduction to colonoscopies began many, many, years ago in a galaxy far, far, away. After an annual checkup I was referred to a specialist for further exams and a possible bout with rectal and anal surgery for hemorrhoids and polyps. Trust me, it wasn’t as great as I’m making it sound. My very first meeting with the specialist lasted only ten minutes. I was given an armload of laxatives and and a large bottle of Citrate of Magnesia. I was handed a sheet of instructions on how to go about emptying my body of just about everything and a future date for my return visit was also confirmed. All of a sudden I found myself back on the street with a real desire to find out exactly what the hell a colonoscopy actually was. I needed to do some research quickly.
Two weeks later I seemed twenty pounds lighter after spending 48 hours within running distance of the nearest bathroom. It was a humbling experience as I did everything possible to expel my entire insides down the drain. I arrived at the doctor’s office and checked in at the desk trying not to make eye contact with anyone. It was a lot like going to a fertilization specialist to ejaculate into a plastic cup or buying tampons at Rite-Aid for my better-half. Totally embarrassing.
I was led into an examination room wearing one of those backless paper gowns with my butt sticking out. I was laid face down on the table which was then elevated high enough to put my head near the floor and my ass in the air. If that wasn’t humiliating enough there was a knock on the door and in marched ten student nurses who were permitted one at a time to take a peek at my butt, inside and out. They oooed and awwed as they passed by, took a few notes and marched from the room. Here’s a reminder for you. Never schedule a rectal exam at a teaching hospital. You’ve been warned.
Another twenty minutes passed by and my adventure began in earnest when a probe on the end of a cable with a flashlight, torch, and camera were slowly inserted further and further into my backside. They lightly drugged me and I was able to look up my own ass on a nearby television screen. It looked like a gigantic pink Holland Tunnel without the cars. I then fell asleep and awoke twenty minutes later feeling rather odd. My wife picked me up after I recovered a bit and took me home where I was able to get a few hours of drug induced sleep. It wasn’t much fun but unfortunately for me it was necessary. My surgery was successful and I received my second colonoscopy just two months later. The doctor apparently wanted to go back in to check his work. I just love thorough doctors.
Fifteen years later my family doctor gave me more bad news during my annual visit. Because of two colon surgeries on my late mother for cancerous polyps he felt I needed to be checked again. Colonoscopy number three came and went and I breathed another sign of relief. I was good to go for a while I thought.
Within a few years my mother had another cancerous piece of her colon removed and that triggered regularly scheduled colonoscopies for me for the foreseeable future. It’s now 2015 and I’m ready for number seven. The technology has improved dramatically over the years and the drugs are much better. Getting colonoscopies stopped bothering me years ago because the alternative is too ugly to think about. Over the years I’ve had upwards of ten to twelve very small polyps burned from my colon and fortunately none were cancerous. I plan on living a long and full life and these god awful procedures make that possible. No matter what anyone tells you, fear is an excellent motivator.
More to follow.
“This is a courtesy warning for those of you with weak stomachs. What you are about to read was written while under the influence of twenty different cold and flu medications. Proceed at your own risk.”
As my better-half and I lay here in bed this morning coughing and sniffling, I had a major epiphany. Basically the human body is a complex, disgusting, and disturbing mess. Let’s run down the list of my favorites things. We have farts, body odor, bad breath, smelly feet, and a host other smells that are best forgotten. We are easy infected with every virus imaginable and the medical research community is hard at work (so they say) to come up with answers and remedies for them. That doesn’t include the common cold of course. Nothing or no one seems to be able to find that super drug that will conquer that sneaky little disease.
Let’s not forget the biggest two items we first learned about as children, #1 and #2. Let’s call them what they are, urine and poop. I’m not sure what genius started the #1 and #2 nonsense but I’d bet it was some goody-two shoes afraid to say those two disgusting words. While he was standing around being disgusted he made a critical error. He forgot the all important #3, Phlegm aka mucus aka sputum. While urine and poop are smelly and disgusting phlegm rules. It comes in multiple colors and multiple textures and it never stops being produced. At least with urine and poop, you go once and your good for a while. With phlegm there’s no end. I could probably fill an Olympic size swimming pool with all of the phlegm my body has produced in my lifetime. In just the last twelve hours my better-half and I have produced at least twenty gallons each without even trying.
I actually prefer the term sputum rather than phlegm or mucus. It sounds much more sophisticated and medical. If someone says the word phlegm to me it immediately brings to mind a pearly little lugie. Lugies are even more disgusting because you can be targeted accidentally or purposely by one of those mean spirited and accurate lugie spitters. If someone says "I have a build up of sputum in my throat." It sounds a little less disgusting and more official.
So, what have we learned so far. First there should a #3 added to the lexicon to identify Sputum or phlegm or mucus. I’m really just trying to class things up a little for a change but no one wants to cooperate.
I see in our future a new national observance for Sputum Day. This substance has become as big a part of our miserable lives as #1 and #2 and in January and February may even surpass them. It deserves to be recognized and celebrated with parades and parties not just in the US but across the world. We already have Earth Day and I think it’s time for Sputum Day. The drink of the day can be green beer (stolen from St. Paddy’s Day) and laced with mayonnaise. A thick and repugnant drink that can really bring back memories of colds and flu from your childhood. There’s nothing better than a disgusting trip down Memory Lane.
Enough! This post is actually beginning to turn my stomach too. I’ll clean up my act when and only when I start to feel a little better. Meanwhile I’ll just keep producing all this phlegm and sucking down all these miracle cold and flu remedies that don’t really work. All they do is create more Sputum.
Don’t even get me started on Smegma.
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