Archive for the ‘Looking Back’ Category
I hesitate to write about today’s subject because I know many of my female readers will take me to task. As Groucho Marx used to say on You Bet Your Life, "Today’s topic is foreplay. Say the secret word and win a hundred dollars".
The term foreplay gets tossed around all to often when men have their discussions about being successful lovers. It comes across as more of a joke topic than anything they should take too seriously. Most women are out-spoken in their demands that men become more accomplished in this most important area. I can’t argue that fact because over the years I’ve found it to be true.
I think many men are good at foreplay but even they are accused at times of being unskilled. It’s become an easy way for women to keep a man on the defensive and to force him into working even harder than usual. It’s those passive-aggressive remarks like “Oh, that was nice but my old boyfriend wasn’t good at that either”, that can really kill the mood. I’m not being too critical of them because it’s just human nature to try and reap the most benefits from every situation. I’ve known a few women who considered successful foreplay by a man to be when he removed his pants. As with all human beings, everyone is different in their approach to just about anything.
I once had a fairly successful interlude with a young woman who told me up front there would be no actual intercourse. She was of the Bill Clinton school of sexual definition in that oral sex was not really sex. We never had actual intercourse but OMG it really didn’t matter, that girl had some serious skills. It was one of the few times in my life where I was totally satisfied with a developing relationship and was really disappointed when her flight was called and she flew away. I guess that’s why to this day I love airports and flight attendants but hate flying. Ahhhh good memories.
I was watching a TV show a while back and heard the term "King of Foreplay" used during a conversation about relationships. I’m certainly not claiming that title but I’ve studied as hard as I could over the years and I’m close to reaching that goal. If I could live at least seventy-five more years I might just make it. There are no hard and fast rules on foreplay because what works for one women doesn’t work for the next. It can be very difficult and time consuming for the inexperienced man to figure these things out.
After cruising around the net I found this list of foreplay tips on how to be a better lover. I’ll make a short comment on each since I’ve probably tried them all at one time or another. As with everything, some worked and some didn’t. See what you think. For you inexperienced young guys out there pay attention and learn from your elders.
Masturbate for your partner – Didn’t Work
Masturbate each other – Worked
Masturbate your partner – Worked
Suck nipples – Worked
Role-Play – Didn’t Work
Whole body massage – Worked
Give a lap dance or strip tease – Never as Foreplay
Shower together – Never as Foreplay
Tie one of you up – Really Worked
Oral Sex – Really Worked
Tickle – Never Tried
Nibble earlobes – Worked
Spank playfully – Really Worked
Talk dirty to each other – Worked
Blindfold one of you – Really Worked
Used sex toys – Really Worked
Shave each other’s private areas – Worked
Suck fingertips – Worked
Watch a porno – Never as Foreplay
Play an Adult Sex Game – Never Tried
Drip hot wax on your lover – Really worked
Body paint each other – Never as Foreplay
Hopefully the woman your trying to seduce doesn’t require any more than two or three of them. My advice is to become proficient in them all and begin your life-long search for that "King of Foreplay" title.
We all know who Dr. Ruth is I think. She’s the four and a half foot tall sex expert who has the answers to every sex question. Here are a few tips from her for those men who are having difficulties.
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Check it out. If anything "down there" hurts or isn’t working the way you think it should, don’t wonder about it — see a doctor. For him, difficulty maintaining an erection and, for her, pain during intercourse always requires a medical evaluation.
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Don’t zone out. Many couples are embarrassed to ask their partner to stimulate erogenous zones that are very pleasurable but can be considered taboo. The nipples, the anus, the back of the neck — all have nerve endings. So don’t be shy. The only shame when it comes to foreplay is a missed opportunity for pleasure.
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Stay the course. There is a moment before orgasm when many women give up, thinking nothing will happen. It’s a self-sabotaging mistake. Stay with the stimulation and the orgasm will come.
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There is not an exact science to foreplay. You and your partner(s) should understand what you need and want from each other. While we speak about foreplay techniques we must regard before anything else that every human being is distinctive and diverse from each person else and the above-mentioned foreplay techniques have a different impact from one person to another. Accustom yourself to the occasion.
Isn’t Dr. Ruth just terrific. I’ve always wondered if growing up at “zipper height” caused her to pursue sex as her life’s work. Just a thought.
Research indicates more than 85% of ladies reached more intense orgasms when their partners spent more than 10 minutes on foreplay. So boys, increase your number of foreplay techniques and become more sexually adventurous. It’s worth every second for you to bone up (pun intended) on your skills. They’ll serve you well for many decades to come (again pun intended).
For most of my working life I’ve had the misfortune to work with hundreds of attorneys. Some great, some good, some average, some incompetent, and some just plain stupid. As the overall number of attorney’s increases the likelihood of hiring an incompetent or dumb attorney increases as well. My job working in state government for seven years placed me in an uncomfortable position directly between the accused defendants and a small army of public defenders. Talk about a rock and a hard place! A thankless job to be sure but OMG did I get an education. I think I actually learned more from the criminals than from their representatives.
I also was exposed to hundreds of witnesses whose sole purpose was either to help free an accused or to put him/her away for as long as possible. The only common denominator I found throughout the judicial and correctional systems was a massive amount of DUMB. These following quotes are actual statements between attorneys and people called to the witness stand in a plethora of criminal matters. Enjoy them and be glad they aren’t representing you.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
Witness: No
Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July 15.
Attorney:. What year?
Witness: Every year.
Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
Attorney: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Attorney: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim’s vagina show?
Witness: There were traces of semen.
Attorney: Male semen?
Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a disposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Believe me when I tell you that these are just the tip of the “stupid” iceberg when it comes to the criminal justice system. It’s no joke when someone tells you that the term “Criminal Justice System” is the ultimate oxymoron. It is scary stupid every minute of every day especially when you spend two days a week inside a jail. I spent during my time with the State Judicial Branch close to seven hundred days inside jails interviewing prisoners and watching the system at work. Every time I walked from a jail at the end of the day I breathed a sigh of relief and thanked God I was not incarcerated and needed no help from an attorney. DUMB AND DUMBER!
I love letters from kids regardless of the situation. They have an honesty that’s refreshing to say the least. As I recently cruised the web I discovered a web site that posted sample letters for adults to send to their kids at camp. I would hope that most parents just might be offended by the assumption that they’re too stupid to write a proper letter to their child. I ‘m also certain that if the kids received these cookie-cutter letters they would know just exactly what they were. They’re way more aware of things these days than we were.
No matter what parents say, they actually do miss their children when they’re attending summer camp. I would think that writing that first letter to your child after they’ve been away from home for a period of time would be tough. Not the letter itself but all the worrying you’ll do when your child has been out of touch for a few days or weeks. I certainly wouldn’t need assistance from some web site to communicate with my kid. Here are a few of the samples provided to assist any lazy parents in writing a freaking letter. They’ve even broken it down by age and sex of the child but for my purposes these two should be sufficient to make my point.
For a 10 Year Old Boy
Dear Xavier,
I miss you! I have been thinking about you a lot and all of the fun camp activities you’re involved in. Have you tried any new sports? When I went to summer camp, my favorite sport was "Monkey Soccer". Ask me about it when you get home.
I hope the food is okay. What is the favorite thing you’ve eaten so far? Have you done any funny camp skits? Or seen any funny camp pranks?
I hope you are having lots of fun. If you are having a hard day, please hang in there. Scruffy misses you too. I know he will want you to play fetch when you get home. We had some rain yesterday and he enjoyed getting muddy.
I love you bunches! See you in a few days!
Love,
Mom
For a 10 Year Old Girl
Dear Michelle,
How is camp? Have you made any neat crafts? Did you like horseback riding? I hope you are enjoying the activities!
I miss you lots! Be sure to take several photos so I can see what you did at camp. We can make a scrapbook together after you get home.
Have you played any fun games? I remember when I went to camp, my favorite was "Capture the Flag." I liked playing it with water balloons the best.
Fluffy missed you too. She slept on your bed last night, I think she will be happy when you come home.
I love you to the moon and back! See you next week!
Love,
Mom
I could show you many more examples but they just seem kind of lame to me. I remember attending camp as a kid and I wasn’t all that interested in receiving or sending letters anyway. I was having a great time and couldn’t be bothered. I assume that’s the case with most kids.
Just to give you a giggle or two here are some quotes from actual camp letters from kids to their parents. There are plenty available for viewing on the web and easy to find if your interested. Many books have also been written and are available from many Web book sellers. They are just too damned cute. Spelling and grammatical errors are included for your amusement.
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“Hey Mom! I’m having so much fun!! …I miss u! But this is so much better than u yelling at me, Joey and dad! (no offense)..love, Googie.”
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“Dear Mom and Dad, Our cabin is so dirty and unclean that this bacterial disease called Empitiga so far 4 people in our cabin have it under their armpits. I have it all over my face…”
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“A ginormous tree hit our cabin and knoked it down! When I was in it! No one got hurt, though. It was so scary! When the roof fell off our cabin everyone got soaked!… Love, Juliet. P.s. please do not be alarmed.”
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“Dear Mom and Dad, I love everything about this camp except the campers. Love, Sarina”
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“…they made me clean the table. I want to go home!…I stopped crying…But we have chores today. I am the Scraper, Sweeper and Maid.”
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“Dear Mom and Dad, This is not a camp from my dreams, it’s the 100th level of hell. I hate this stupid camp. I am getting out of here. Write me. I NEED MORE STAMPS. Save me!!! I am out of stamps.”
Camp is just another phase we’re forced to endure on our way to adulthood. I must say that the camping trips I took during my dating years were way better than summer camp. By then I was a little smarter about girls which made my continuing education much more interesting.
As I mentioned in my posting yesterday I have difficulty deciding just how to celebrate this country’s Independence Day. I could put up lots of pretty pictures of the flag and red, white, and blue things everywhere but for me that’s not what it’s all about. Any holiday we celebrate about this country should be about one thing and one thing only. Those servicemen and women who are in harms way and away from their loved ones for months and sometimes years. As far as I’m concerned they and the others before them are the reason this country is still around to celebrate it’s independence.
My first collection of letters were written by fourth grade school children as a school project where each child was assigned a soldier to write to. Many of the soldiers are actual relatives and friends of the students. Here they are as written.
Dear Uncle Mike,
I hope you’re thinking of your family. Shawn, Scotty, Brand and me and your two sisters and your mother all miss you. We all want you to come home safe from Iraq and we wish you good luck.
Your nephew John and the other three
* * *
Dear Mike Mader,
How is it there? Its finally spring. We had some nice weather. So how are you doing ? Do you like it down there? I’ve been thinking about you. So what’s your job? I am going to my friend Chelsea’s house tomorrow. I am doing spring cleaning with my friend Kayla. We’re going to listen to music. Do you miss your family?
Sincerely, Ashley
* * *
Dear Eric Olson,
I hope you know how Garth is. If you don’t he is fine. Evan is fine too. Your entire family misses you very much. my family hopes you come home safely.!
Sincerely, Shawnee
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Dear Jeremy Nuggent,
I hope you are safe in Iraq. My name is Cory. I am 9 years old and my birthday is February 9th 1994. When is your birthday? By the way I have a 14 year old brother named Dan, two sisters, Angie and April. Angie is 21 and April is 24. I have a dad named Tom and a mom named Debra. I have a dog named Stormy because we got him in the ‘ 98 ice – storm. He is a golden retriever. He can do tricks like shake and roll – over. Do you have a dog? If so what kind of breed is it? Like I said before I hope you stay safe in Iraq.
Sincerely, Cory
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Dear Jim Law,
I hope you have not forgot about me. Everything is fine here. How are you? Is it a cool experience going to a different country? By the way I saw your son a couple days ago he was riding his bike. If you get the chance write back. Bye.
Your friend Ray
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Dear Uncle Jimmy,
Guess what, I graduated from school!
April fools, did I get you?
The snow is mostly gone and you can see the grass. Easter’s coming soon. Are you going to be here? Write me any time you can because I know how busy you are, and I’m hoping you and all the solders come home safely.
Love Kassandra
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Dear Joe Fisher,
I been thinking about you. What do you do at Iraq? Can you tell me please. I really really really miss you? Please remember me! I hope you have a good Easter. I hope you hear from your family on Easter.
Sincerely, Katlyne C.
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Dear Mike Mader,
I really wanted to write to you sooner, but I couldn’t because I was too busy with work and homework and the E.L.A.s. Well, what is it like down there? Is it hot or cold? Well, got to go. Just writing to say hi and hear how you’re doing. Bye.
Sincerely, Jazzmyn T.
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Dear Uncle Jimmy,
I hope you are keeping yourself safe. And I just want to let you
know that I’m behind you all the way. I love you so much. But no matter what happens, I love you anyway. I’m turning 11 this year on May 9. Hope you have good luck down in Iraq. Don’t tell any of our family members, but you’re the best uncle in the whole world! I hope you have good luck this year and forever. Hope you can write back. Oh, Casey Reardon might ask you my address. You can tell him it. I love yah!
Your niece, Kailyn
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Dear Uncle Mike Canty,
Your three nephews, John, Shawn, and Scott and your family all wish you good luck.
We all miss you.
We all hope you come home safe.
Your nephew, john
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Hi Jim Law,
We are proud of what you are doing for our country. We will miss you. I hope you will remember me. We hope you come back safe.
Your friend, Raymond
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I think letter writing campaigns like this do more for troop moral than many people realize. I know how much it would have helped my morale back in the day. Our next example of that family love and connection is this short poem from one serviceman sent to his young son.
My Little Smart Trooper
by Roger J. Robicheau
From a Military Dad
I’m so proud you’re my little smart trooper
You’re the best there is, you’re just super
How I wish I could stay home with you
I’ll sure miss all the things that we do
You will be in my thought night and day
Be real brave for your soldier away
I’ll ask God to be real close to you
And I want you to pray to Him too
Tell your friends I have gone to defend
So the freedom we have will not end
That’s my job as a soldier you see
I’m so proud I can help us stay free
Now there’s one thing I want you to do
When I come back home to see you
Have a big hug just waiting for me
Cause together again we will be
(Dedicated to Little Davey)
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The following two letters are heartbreaking but need to be read by as many people as possible. These letters were written home by soldiers who were later killed in action. They bring home to me everything we need to know and understand about just how important the work of the military is and what a huge sacrifice they make to allow us to celebrate these holidays.
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Excerpts of letters from Army Capt. Joshua T. Byers, 29, of Anderson, S.C., who was killed on July 23 when a bomb detonated under his vehicle.
Thursday, June 5
Dear Mom and Dad,
A couple of days ago, my squadron commander told me that I would be taking command of Fox Troop in June, after all. . . . SWEET! I left my conversation with him walking on air! Not only will I soon be a cavalry troop commander (the most lethal combination of fire power that a captain can be in command of, in any service), BUT I will have the opportunity and the incredible responsibility of commanding in combat. I have to admit that I am really nervous and just pray that I am up to the task out here to lead 120 men in combat operations. I will give them everything I have to give — I love them already, just because they’re mine. I pray, with all my heart, that I will be able to take every single one of them home safe when we finish our mission here.
Friday, June 20
It seems like I’ve been here for so much longer than I have. My life away from here seems so far away. In some ways, I don’t think I’ll ever have it back completely. I think war takes certain things from you, or maybe it gives certain things that change your perspective.
I love being in command. It’s so great to lead again. I love taking care of my men and accomplishing our missions together here. I am blessed.
Thursday, July 3
In the past two nights we’ve been attacked each night while on patrol. No casualties for us. . . . I see more bravery in a day here than I had seen in my entire life prior to this.
I’m healthy and doing fine — although I really want to get that redeployment order and come home (as everyone does) — I don’t dwell on it. We are accomplishing our mission here and I think I’ll take a lot of pride in that for the rest of my life. Although the sacrifice is great, the rewards of service are so much greater.
Friday, July 18
Life here continues to be challenging, but we’re all hanging in there. We got a blow to our morale a few days ago when the corps commander visited us (three-star general). He said there was no way we were going home in less than nine to 12 months. Man, that’s going to suck. We’re working on month No. 4 right now and it already seems like we’ve been here forever and a day.
I still love being a commander. I love leading troops and taking care of them. It is a huge responsibility and I feel the weight of it every day. I send the thing I love most out here — my men — into harm’s way every day and every night. I just do my best to ensure they’re ready, trained, equipped and properly led in every situation.
Monday, July 21
We conducted a huge operation in the desert about a week ago. We had intel that suggested that the bad guys were hiding weapons and ammo out in the desert and bringing it into the city to attack us. We swept all of the desert north of us and found lots of weapons/ ammo. . . . Two of the targets that we captured turned out to be first cousins of Saddam Hussein.
I love you both with all of my heart! I’m working very hard here — adding honor to our country and to our family name!
Love,
Josh
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Excerpt of an e-mail message to his wife, Theresa, from Army Master Sgt. Kevin N. Morehead, 33, of Little Rock, Ark., who was killed Sept. 12 during a raid on enemy forces. The message was sent July 7.
Hey Baby,
I do enjoy planning for the future. It gives me a lot of hope to be able to plan for our success. Sometimes I think that maybe I wouldn’t come up with these plans if I wasn’t deployed. Being here focuses my attention on home and I have time to come up with lots of avenues for us. It has been one blessing for me being here. I think if we can get the things done that I have come up with we will be able to have a prosperous life ahead of us. I don’t want you to worry about how we are going to make it after I get out. . . . I want us to be able to enjoy our life and do things that we want to do.
I think after we get these bills settled and get on track this winter with the property and the house, next spring I am going to get us another boat. We had a lot of fun when we had a boat. I remember when me, you and Jesse used to go to the lake and camping. Those were really fun times. I would eventually like to get a camper or an R.V., too. . . . I know how you like to have a nice place to stay. If we got a nice camper, then it would almost be like staying in a hotel room with A.C. and a private shower and a queen size bed.
I love you very much. I can’t wait to get on with our lives. I really look forward to our future together.
Kevin
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So thanks to these two men and all of the other men and women currently serving around the world. I hope they all are able to properly celebrate this holiday and eventually return home safely. Without their service and sacrifice we would have no country to celebrate.
I spend a great deal of my time these days adapting to a whole list of changes to my life I never anticipated or expected. I thought that as I grew older things would settle down somewhat and the amount of change I’d be forced to deal with would lessen. Wrong once again.
One obvious change that occurs to us all eventually is getting older. Adjusting to it sounds easy but as all of you will find out eventually, it isn’t. You must learn to adapt to your new position in society of being the older person, constantly accused by almost everyone with being out of touch with our current reality. Even people you know and love begin treating you differently and it can be hurtful.
Everyone assumes that once you reach a certain age you’re all of a sudden a mouth-breathing moron with no working memory. Snide little comments from loved ones are especially hurtful but you must learn to adapt. Some seniors become bitter and spiteful only because they can’t think of any better solutions. Those kind of actions just further that ugly senior stereotype that require the infamous eye-roll or the subtle shoulder shrug between people you’re talking to when you’re not looking. It’s disrespectful and rude but your hands are tied. If you confront them then your being old, difficult, and set in your ways. If you turn the other cheek it just makes the possibility of it occurring again much more likely.
So here’s a few tips for you seniors out there. Keep up with all of the Pop Culture nonsense so when someone in their teens or twenties mentions a celebrity you have a clue. Be able to talk about something other than your current medical conditions. Fight the stereotype everyday. If you take a backseat to discussions that make you uncomfortable that’s where you’ll be relegated to stay for the rest of your life.
Our past memories really don’t interest most people because "it’s all about them”. Only people your own age can appreciate many of the things from our youth and the drastic differences we now must deal with. It’s hard work to keep up with this balls-to-the-wall insanity we call our every day life. Spend time with people other than other seniors. Carry on meaningful conversations about politics, relationships, and child rearing. Not everything we remember is just old-folks reminiscing. We’ve already experienced this stull and can be helpful if we pass the information along intelligently and not preaching. No one likes to be preached to.
The following information should make most seniors smile. If read by anyone younger it would seem to them like they’ve been foraging through an archeological dig in Egypt and found a transcript of life in the days of old. Read on and learn something if you’re interested, if not don’t.
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HIGH SCHOOL — 1958 vs. 2013
Scenario 1:
Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.
1958 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2013 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1958 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2013 – Police called and SWAT team arrives — they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They’re both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1958 – Jeffrey sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2013 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1958 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2013 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1958 – Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2013 – The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1958 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2013 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1958 – Ants die.
2013 – ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents – and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1958 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2013 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
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Is it any wonder why we at times choose to look back. This is the reason we occasionally reminisce and really, do you blame us. If I could go back and do my life over again I sure wouldn’t do it now, in this time and place. Just saying.
I’m about a month away from completing my fifth year of retirement. I think a celebration of sorts is called for because this has been one of the most difficult transitions I’ve ever had to make.
I’ve always been someone who readily adapted to change. I’ve lived in many places over the years as required by my jobs and I worked my way up the corporate ladder twice with two different national companies. I had hopes of a great retirement and pension but unfortunately both companies were purchased by other companies and neither survived that purchase. You adjust because you must. When there is no choice at all you pick yourself up and get back to work.
Fortunately that was one of the things my father made sure I had. I had no fear of hard work and I also had a killer work ethic. I worked my ass off for thirty years, 6 days a week, tons of travel, and change, change, change. I started three business over the years and had reasonable successes with two and failed miserably in the third. Shut up, get up, and keep on keeping on.
Making the change to early retirement was something I never thought I would get to do. I’d already excepted the fact that I’d be working until they found me slumped at my desk or in my car. As in all things timing is everything. After the failure of my two most important employers I took a public service position with the State of Maine. My fear of having another company hire me and then fail had sent me there. Whoever heard of a State going bankrupt?
The State of Maine surprised me a little. They didn’t go bankrupt but they did call me in to tell me my work load was going to increase by 30% without a comparable wage increase. I received a confidential call a short time later from a friend in the state capital who told me my position was on the chopping within two months. I had no choice and was lucky enough to be able take early retirement before the axe fell. Hooray for me right?
Making the transition from workaholic to retiree was the worst. I made the change immediately by giving Goodwill all of my suits, shirts, ties, and dress shoes. I threw away my wrist watch because it was no longer something I needed. It took at least eighteen months to find a comfortable rhythm for my life and to end the depression I was suffering with.
I hate making this sound like a sad story because it isn’t. I’m retired for God’s sake. How can I possibly be whining? I found these quotes recently that just made me laugh not because they’re all that funny but because they’re all so true. My sense of humor has gotten through a lot of change and it’s things like these quotes that really help.
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The money is no better in retirement but the hours are! — Author Unknown
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"According to your latest data if you retire today, you can live reasonably well until 5 p.m. tomorrow."— Dave Erhard
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My retirement plan is to find a shopping cart with good snow tires.
— Patty Doyle
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‘The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.’ Anonymous
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‘When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.’ R C Sherriff.
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‘It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.’ Scott Elledge.
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‘There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit…retire!’ Groucho Marx
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Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did – Malcolm Forbes
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Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did – Robert Benchley
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What do gardeners do when they retire? – Bob Monkhouse
I love being retired. It gives a lot of freedom to do all those things I said I was going to do but never did. I spend most of my time concerned with the care and feeding of my better-half who is still caught up in the rat race. I try to be her stress reliever and to keep her as happy as I can. I may bitch and complain about a lot of things but my life is good. I’m what my Dad used to describe as, “fat (not too much), dumb, and happy”.
Today I intended to further explore the use of the English language where names are concerned by talking about nicknames we humans insist on giving to our private parts. The list of nicknames is endless but the main body parts targeted normally for nicknames are the vagina, penis, and occasionally the breasts. As a kid (age 7-11) and before my sex life truly existed my friends and I had already named our penises. I have no idea why we did but it could have been as simple a reason as "because it was there". Our fascination with our penises was intense at that age because if you must know it was the center of our young universe. Unfortunately it still is.
Our little group of five perverts constantly discussed those things that were most important to us; our penises, girls, and that greatest mystery of all, sexual intercourse. We almost declared a national holiday when our buddy Frank reported at one of our private meetings in our secret hidden club house that he had what we later found out was his first orgasm. He explained in great detail just what he’d done and how it felt. We were all astounded by his description of the feelings he had but were somewhat confused by his report that nothing came out of his penis when he came. We’d been told by the experts (our older friends) that there would be sperm. That discussion went on for another six months as were tried to figure out what Frank had done wrong.
Eventually we were called to an emergency meeting at the clubhouse when Frank finally reported that some “white stuff” had finally appeared after he masturbated. We did everything but declare him king of the effing world. We put him through the third degree until we were all satisfied he was giving us the absolute truth.
You should also know that during the next few months we were all diligently practicing in the privacy of our homes trying to duplicate what Frank was reporting. Shortly after his report on the "white stuff" we as a group demanded he show us specifically how he did it. We retired to his house and the five of us squeezed into his little bathroom where he began his demonstration. He used a little soap on his hands and began to furiously masturbate. He kept saying he was almost there as we waited patiently. The mood was immediately broken when his mother threw the door open and caught him in the act and all of us watching. Many of you can talk about your most awkward moments but this one was by far my worst. My second worst moment was when I got home to find out that Frank’s mom had ratted us all out. My mother was not happy.
Frank practically tore his penis off trying to put it away. His poor mother was probably never quite the same again either. Needless to say it took years before any of us could look her in the eye without turning a bright crimson. We all learned two valuable lessons that fateful day. One, soap is our friend and two, lock the freaking door.
We learned never to do anymore sexual exploring at anyone’s home. We confined our discussions and demonstrations to our club house where all of the best reading material (skin mags) was available for our use. Later on as we grew more curious we invited one or two of the neighborhood girls to the club house for a few games of "show and tell". There was no sexual activity just a very clinical study of their genitals and their study of ours. It was around that time that my penis received his first nickname, I called him "Charlie".
I have to admit that years later after my sex life had been firmly established Charlie’s nicknames became much more interesting. Charlie became confused at times because he was forced to suffer through a long list of really tacky names that he really didn’t care for. I never told any of my female sex partners that all of those silly name they insisted on calling him meant nothing to him or to me. His real name was and always will be Charlie and all the sexual attention in the world from them and their vaginas could never change that.
I was thinking about listing a number of the more common genital nicknames in this posting but I thought this story would be more poignant and informative than a cold and unemotional list. Besides you men out there already know the most common nicknames currently in use. Unfortunately you women out there only think you know your man’s actual name for his penis.
I’d like to welcome you to the planet Mars, since I’m told that’s where men are from. This must be Mars and I’ll tell you why. As part of my never ending search for information to assist me in understanding the female animal I stumbled into the incredibly confusing world of women’s sexual fantasies. To say I was surprised at what I found would be an understatement. It seems that almost everyone has their opinions of what those fantasies are and aren’t shy about putting them out there.
I’m going to show you two top ten lists that claim to have the inside scoop on what women fantasize about. Both I suspect were written by men and they seem a little too good to be true. Here’s list number one:
1. Private Dancer (Striptease)
2. Exhibitionism
3. Force Fantasies
4. Voyeurism
5. Threesome With Two Men
6. Threesome With Another Woman
7. Sex With A Stranger
8. Teacher/Student (Spanking)
9. Domination (You Dominating Her)
10.Domination (Her Dominating You)
Now you understand why I thought I was on Mars. These sound all too familiar to what a list of men’s fantasies would be. I’ve dated a lot of women over the years and been involved in a few serious relationships but never was I made privy to the things on this list. I’ll admit I was made aware of a few of these items but no single women ever claimed ownership of them all. Some of those women were borderline crazy (in a good way) but at best they only rang the bell on six of these items. Now lets look at the second list.
1. Oh my virgin ears (Rape Fantasy)
2. Strap me on, I’m going in (Strap-on Penis)
3. Three-way w/Two Men.
4. Leave a Good Tip (Stripper)
5. I taw, I taw a putty tat (Sex w/woman and a Man Watching)
6. Being Sexually Dominated
7. Lay Me Out on Display (Exhibitionism)
8. Who’s Your Daddy? (Domination of a Man)
9. The More the Merrier (Group Sex)
10.Sex With a Stranger
This is very similar to the first list but in a slightly different order of importance. I’d like any of you women out there to confirm for me that this is even close to the truth. I’ve hoped and prayed that I’d find a women with a list like this my whole life. If most women feel this way then I may have just discovered how little I really knew for all these years. I could become clinically depressed and be forced into therapy if this is all true. Finding out that most women had better fantasies than I did would be devastating.
I’m going to stop writing now because I can feel the depression coming on.
I love history and looking back at this country’s politics. It’s my attempt to learn how the system could have deteriorated to where it is today. It doesn’t take a genius to watch and listen to today’s representatives and senators to identify the issues that are driving us crazy. Bad habits are usually a learned response and our current gang of politicians have learned their lessons well. Many of these bad habits have been passed down over the years from one group of politicians to another and been finely tuned.
It seems obvious to me that there are three main priorities; money, re-election, and power. They raise huge amounts of money to accomplish priority number one which in turn helps them to accomplish priority number two. Once re-elected they can pursue their third priority, power, which they all seem to crave. The fact that most of the money spent for reelections eventually works it’s way back into the hands of corporate America must must be a fortunate happenstance. Yeah right!
One of my major criticisms is that they all seem to be concerned only with getting on TV first with a cutesy “sound bite” before their competitors. It doesn’t seem to faze them that they never have anything of consequence to say just ten second quips for those ever-present media cameras.
Since I agree whole-heartedly with this criticism I decided to determine exactly when and where it all started. The use of campaign slogans began well before the current Media became so powerful and demanding. Back in the day they reported what was occurring in the country in an unbiased fashion. They weren’t involved in creating the news as they are today. The “straw that broke the camels back” for me was when big corporate American began buying up the most influential media organizations. The unbiased history of the Media was for the most part a thing of the past. As I searched around I found the following campaign slogans in use going all the way back to 1840. They started out cutesy and entertaining but slowly became hurtful and nasty at times. This is just a small sampling of old and new irritating slogans that may have helped kick started the “sound bite” revolution.
Tippecanoe and Tyler, Too – 1840
Fifty-Four Forty or Fight – 1844
Equal Rights to All; Special Privileges to None – 1900
Stand Pat with McKinley – 1900
He Kept Us Out of War – 1916
Back to Normalcy – 1920
Keep Cool With Coolidge – 1924
A Chicken in Every Pot; A Car in Every Garage – 1928
In Hoover We Trusted and Now We Are Busted – 1948
One Good Term Deserves Another – 1934
I’m Just Wild About Harry – 1948
To Err is Truman – 1948
Phooey on Dewey – 1948
I Like Ike – 1952
I Still Like Ike – 1956
In Your Guts You Know He’s Nuts – 1964
Never Been Indicted – 1980
It’s the Economy, Stupid – 1992
Hope and Change – 2008
Apparently we citizens always were always suckers for “sound bites” even when they were just called “campaign slogans”. Maybe it’s time we the voters change how we approach politics. Maybe I’m an idiot if I really believe that’s even possible. I’ve lost most of my faith in the American voter which requires me to remain even more skeptical and critical of anything remotely related to politics.
Another Mother’s Day has come and gone and for the first time in my life I have no mother to celebrate with. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about that but when you have no choice you just muddle your way through. I guess Mother’s Day has now become for me more a day of remembrance rather than a holiday.
I chatted briefly with my sister but I suspect she’s feeling the same way. Our actual feelings went unspoken during our conversation but we were both thinking the same thing. Fortunately she has her daughter and two grandchildren to help her through this day.
Since my better-half’s sons both live out-of-state I knew I’d need to be there for her because I know how much she misses them. Fortunately her daughter and grandson live nearby and visited last evening to celebrate with her. It was a nice night because it was her daughter’s very first official Mother’s Day and she was really excited about it. One thing nicer than seeing the grandson growing up so fast is also seeing his mom turning into quite the woman and mother.
My better-half had to work today so I left the house early to do a little shopping. I picked up two huge and beautiful steaks, a little wine, a very pretty potted flower, and a Mother’s Day card. I know, she’s not my mother but that’s not really the point. Being a Mom has always been the most important thing to her and her close relationship with her kids is everything. I don’t want her dwelling on the fact that they’re not able to be here so I need to do something a little special.
She arrived home to a cold drink, a big kiss, her flowers and my mushy choice of a card. I did good! I then took those two big beautiful steaks to the grill and turned them into something special. Two inches thick and melt in your mouth wonderful. Baked potatoes and fresh salad followed along with her favorite desert, a chocolate Nutty Buddy. It can’t get much better than that for either of us.
Our day is winding down now, she’s talked to her Mom and her other siblings, and now she can relax and prepare for her two days off. Good days are sometimes hard to find but not this one.
Happy Mother’s Day to all you mother’s out there, male and female alike.
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