Archive for the ‘Useless Crap’ Category
I never celebrate Easter. Since it’s supposed to be a religious holiday and I’m not in anyway religious, I choose not to celebrate. As a kid my Mother celebrated anything and everything remotely religious due to her strict Catholic upbringing and education. I had no choice in those days so I went along as best I could but only as far as partaking of the more secular side of things . . . chocolate. My Easter memories as a child are all about candy and eggs but not much religion.
My Father was a living and breathing agnostic who side stepped religious matters religiously but even he couldn’t side step all of the holidays. Another of my fondest memories of Easter was the year my parents bought my sister and I white rabbits. They were all cute and fluffy and I clearly remember trying to get one of those little buggers from beneath our old refrigerator on Easter morning. They eventually grew up to be rather large adult bunnies forcing my Dad to build a large hutch in the backyard to house them. There was always a stream of complaints from him about feeding the damn rabbits or cleaning out the damn cage etc. etc. etc. Who knew it would all end in murder.
One lovely summer day we returned home from playing with some of the neighborhood kids just in time for supper. We were seated at the table ready to dig in when I found out just how much my Dad really didn’t like those rabbits. He had dispatched the little darlings earlier in the day and they were placed on the table as the entree. Needless to say my Mother, Sister, and I fled the scene with my Father left sitting there with a puzzled look on his face. He just didn’t get it at all.
I still don’t celebrate Easter and I never eat rabbits under any circumstances. It’s creeps me out to this day.
Have you ever had a really long term close personal friend? They’re a rare gift and in most cases are never really appreciated until their gone. My best friend was named Dick and he passed away approximately 15 years ago. He is partially responsible for another of my crazier Easter memories from our childhood. I’ve written in the past about the 1955 Birdville Elementary School Easter Egg Hunt fire. It’s a really funny story that I may repost again in it’s entirety on another day. Let it be said that Dick and I traumatized the Easter memories of a entire elementary school that year. A small lit cigarette turned into a raging inferno that burnt down a two acre field next to the school where the teachers and parents had hidden all of the Easter eggs. The field was burned, the eggs were cooked, and so were we. We paid a really heavy price for just a few minutes of stupid.
So now you understand my hesitation to celebrate even the silly secular side of this holiday. I hope you all enjoy your Eater celebration with your family and friends in whatever manner you choose to celebrate it. For me it’s just another fun day here in paradise. Pass the chocolate please.
In my last posting I was whining a little about not having much beach time here in good old tropical Maine. Being the bonehead I am and living with my boneheaded better-half we decided not to wait any longer to hit the beach. The snow had just melted and we were ready.
After a visit to one of our favorite watering-holes and after toasting a few glasses of cheer we made a bee line for the nearest beach. You need to understand that the temperature was in the forties with a twenty mile an hour wind making it feel like twenty degrees. Alcohol can do a lot of things but it doesn’t help a person stay warm and toasty on a windy beach in Maine in April. I was freezing my ass off almost immediately after leaving the car but the better-half was off to the races running around the beach like a German Shepard chasing a stick. We both were snapping pictures the entire time but that ended rather quickly.
It was then I spotted a herd of totally insane people running free and unfettered among us normal and sane folk. The waves were roaring in and these fools in their wonderfully uncool wet suits were trying to surf in water that was only just above freezing.. Surfing in Maine in April is like running naked through a nudist colony in February. It’s just nuts. I watched them for a while but was forced to return to my car so I could once again feel my fingers.
“Out of His Ever Loving Mind”
The better-half finally returned of her own volition all excited and happy about the entire evening. She coerced me into driving another few miles up the coast to our favorite beach. It hadn’t gotten any warmer and I argued loudly about getting out of the car at all. As usual she strong-armed me out of the car and down to the water. There we were once again watching another insane human being wind surfing like he was in Key West and it was August. Here are a couple of shots I took of that young idiot. I’ve been known to don a wet suit to frolic in semi-warm water occasionally but no matter what people tell you . . . . it’s still freaking cold with that suit on.
“Just Nuts”
We made our way home, turned up the heat, and discussed what mental illness could be responsible for such bizarre behavior, both ours and the surfers. We never figured it out but we really didn’t care anyway. We snuggled into our bed under our wonderfully warm and overused electric blanket that’s become the best thing about these Maine winters.
Well, after five months the snow is finally gone. Unfortunately the post-winter cleanup can now begin. All of the snow and ice storms certainly did their share of damage to the property this year. One tree down, serious plant damage everywhere, and additional damage from the town’s snowplow.
It seems we’re required to replace our mailbox almost every year and it’s starting to really piss me off. A nearby friend made the mistake of complaining to the town about the recklessness of their drivers and seeming lack of concern for all the damage they’ve been causing. It took forever to find the right person to complain to and five minutes for that person to say quite simply, “move it a little further back from the road”. It’s nice to know we have a freaking genius working for the road department.
I don’t understand why me and my hundreds of neighbors didn’t think of that dumb ass solution. I may be forced to build a giant brick column with my mailbox sitting on top. We’ll see how much the town likes replacing a blade or two on their gigantic and expensive snowplows after trying to knock down my brick megalith. I’ll just politely tell them to “plow a little further from my effing mailbox”.
All of my winter projects have been successfully completed and right on schedule for a change. In another two weeks I’ll be able to begin my outside work setting up the garden and getting the mowers and weed-whackers operational. Finally a steady supply of fresh air and sunshine after almost five and a half months locked inside the house.
I’m also looking forward to some beach time in the near future as well. This was the first winter in a long time that the snow cover stayed almost all winter which meant no long wintery walks on the beach.
Since my leg has healed completely and I’m back on my workout routines maybe I can get that last ten pounds of ugly fat to disappear. I’ve lost 35 lbs so far through a difficult winter with a minimum of outside activity. I’m planning a very active schedule this summer with my camera and I traveling around this gorgeous state of ours. One short trip to Texas in May and then I’ll have the rest of the summer to take pictures, work in the garden, and to sit on my deck and relax.
Goodbye and good riddance to Winter.
Look! It’s A-Hole.
Well, I’m finally back. I have to confess I was surprised just how much I missed my daily blogging. My other project progressed more in this short eight weeks than I was able to accomplish in the previous year, making my time away well spent.
My life continues as before but things never seem to stop changing. My better-half continues to drive me crazy, the cat still annoys me at times, and the grandson is just minutes away from talking. I suspect after watching him closely for all these months that once he starts talking he won’t be able to stop and I can’t wait. I consider it quite a privilege and one I intend to make the most of.
I’ve been trying to decide what I should write about on my return. I thought I should probably fall back to my cynical roots and supply you with a selection of quotations unlike any you may have seen before. Normally quotes are meant to be uplifting and to give us faith in the past and hope for the future. These do not. These quotes celebrate the sarcastic, the glib, and the smart asses of world. Enjoy . . .
“You can tell a Harvard man, but you can’t tell him much.” Anonymous
“There is nothing wrong with Hollywood that six first-class funerals wouldn’t solve.” Anonymous
“Religion is excellent stuff for keeping the common people quite.” Napoleon Bonaparte
“He is the kind of politician who would cut down the redwood tree, then mount the stump for a conservation speech.” Adlai Stevenson
“On being asked to describe Hollywood – Can a fish describe the murky water in which it swims?” Albert Einstein
“After coming in contact with a religious man I always feel that I must wash my hands.” Frederick Nietzsche, "The Antichrist" (1888)
“This is a back-stabbing, scum sucking, small minded town.” Roseanne Arnold "Hollywood Reporter" (1990)
About: Elvis Costello born 1955
“Looks like Buddy Holly after drinking a can of STP Oil Treatment.” Dave Marsh, "Rolling Stone Magazine"
About: Marie Osmond born 1959
“She is so pure, Moses couldn’t even part her knees.” Joan Rivers
“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.” May West
“Not only is there no God, try getting a plumber on weekends.” Woody Allen
“You don’t have to think too hard when you talk to a teacher.” JD Salinger
I’ve heard these kind of quotes called any number of things including poisonous, mean, or nasty. I’ve come up with my own term: A-holeistic. My cynical self has returned to the blog and I’m feeling just fine.
Sporadic blogging will continue.
cli·ché
/kliˈʃeɪ, klɪ-/ [klee-shey, kli-] noun
1.a trite, stereotyped expression; a sentence or phrase, usually expressing a popular or common thought or idea, that has lost originality, ingenuity, and impact by long overuse, as sadder but wiser, or strong as an ox.
2.(in art, literature, drama, etc.) a trite or hackneyed plot, character development, use of color, musical expression, etc.
3.anything that has become trite or commonplace through overuse.
4.British Printing.
a. a stereotype or electrotype plate.
b. a reproduction made in a like manner.
adjective
5.trite; hackneyed; stereotyped; clichéd.
The word cliché comes from two origins:
- A sound – The French used the word to describe the sound that a matrix, or a mold with letters on it, made when it was being dropped into molten metal to make a printing plate.
- A printing plate – Oddly enough, the printing plate itself was called a cliché or a stereotype and it was one of the first movable types in the world.
* * *
I like to stay ahead of the game and to be all things to all men but that’s easier said than done at times. I always try to hammer out things, leave no stone unturned, to give you a leg up on events and to dish the dirt religiously.
I love to punch the clock, push the envelope, and push people’s buttons whenever possible. I may pull someone’s leg but I’ll never pull any punches or leave you in the lurch. I’m the master of the left-handed compliment and I’ll do my level best to harp on a point and let the chips fall where they may.
I probably should quit while I’m ahead but I so enjoy pulling the rug out from under people who need it. I’ll let the cat out of the bag in a New York minute because it’s all in a day’s work here at Every Useless Thing.
I’ve seen the handwriting on the wall while pounding this Internet pavement and while I operate tongue-in-cheek I’ll touch all the bases, tilt at the appropriate windmills and draw a bead on whoever tickles my fancy.
I try to fair and balanced but sometimes it’s a tough row to hoe. It goes without saying that the Internet can be all things to all men but many people love playing fast and loose with the truth. It occasionally causes me to throw caution to the wind, find the liars and throw them under the bus.
With this posting I’m trying to determine if I could on a good day use clichés to make small talk and supply you with food for thought. Most days I operate off the top of my head scrounging around for nuggets of information to help me let off a little steam. To make a long story short, I’ll never hold my tongue. I’ll continue to call a spade a spade especially when I’m on the warpath about something. Don’t believe everything I say hook, line and sinker but if the shoe fits, wear it.
IT’S ALL IN A DAY’S WORK!
On any given day I enjoy relaxing. It’s taken me a lot of years to learn how to relax after spending my working life as a six day a week workaholic. Even as a high stress workaholic I was able to relax but it was just as hard to make time for that as the job itself. I knew when the job and my bosses needed to be ignored and occasionally paid a price for doing just that. I was also ridiculed at times by my workaholic co-workers but I knew where my limits were and tried never to exceed them. Disconnecting from the everyday grind for me was the path to good mental health. I’ve always used the light-switch analogy and have advised more people than I can remember to go home at the end of the day, turn off the work light-switch and just relax.
I watched for years as retail management pushed associates into completing long lists of tasks and if they weren’t accomplished correctly the associates were then criticized for their lack of customer service skills. It was a vicious cycle that produced “task oriented” people in large numbers with a terrible customer service (people) attitude. Associates became brainwashed and unable to feel good about themselves unless their long list of tasks had been completed at work and at home.
“Stop, smell the flowers, and relax.”
I’ve been personality tested by my employers on many occasions. I’m was always considered an “A” type personality who was a great multitasker, knew how to accomplish the goals set by the corporation and to “get the job done”. Little did they know that doing their tasks was the easy part of my day but getting their tasks done quickly and making time for myself was even more difficult. It was a full time job trying to survive my full time job. I was always successful in the job but when I had down time I used it. When I was relaxing I put tasking out of my mind completely and that skill helped maintain my somewhat healthy outlook on things.
I’m now retired but I live with someone who is totally task oriented. She works a full time retail job and she has a difficult time relaxing when she gets home. She feels like her day is a total failure without a long and completed “To Do” list. I’ve been trying desperately for years to get her to turn off that “light switch” when she gets home but have only been moderately successful. I’m nothing if not persistent but she can be just as hard headed as I am. It’s a battle I’ll keep fighting because it needs to be fought.
While personality tests and reading about personality types has been regarded by some as self-indulgent navel gazing, there is a real value that comes from identifying our natural tendencies. Every personality has strengths and weaknesses, and understanding what yours are allows you take advantage of those strengths to overcome the weaknesses.
I was surfing around the Net yesterday and discovered the following list of suggestions to assist those task oriented individuals in their attempts to relax. Balance in life is more important than most people think but many people talk about reaching a balance but never actually try to accomplish it.
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Schedule time to focus on the people around you and commit to setting aside your To-Do list during that time.
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Consciously make eye contact when your husband, partner, or children speak to you so that they have your full attention. Be attentive and focused.
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Go anywhere where you can just enjoy being with your family without the distraction of things that need to be done.
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Look for opportunities to get things done in smaller chunks rather than saving them all up to do at once.
I take and make time to do absolutely nothing. Some people call it meditation and others (task oriented people) call it loafing. Regardless of the name it’s total down time where the mind can rest as well as the body. Just a few minutes a day seems to work for me. I admit I have my work cut out for me with my better-half but I refuse to give up the fight.
RELAX DEAR!
All of my life I’ve been curious about things. I suppose that was the trait that drew me to a career in investigations. I hate having unanswered questions and when I find one it makes me a little crazy. They stick with me until I can resolve the question with a logical answer. I’ve also found over the years that there are thousands of questions that have no logical answers, Some people might call them stupid but that doesn’t change the fact that they need to be answered.
Over time I’ve reviewed lists from others and made lists of my own with questions that no one can or will answer. Here’s a small collection of a few of them that will get you thinking a bit. If you have answers let me know but I’m willing to bet you won’t be any more successful than I’ve been.
Here goes nothing . . . . .
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What’s another word for synonym?
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Where are Preparations A through G?
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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Why are there flotation devices under airplane seats instead of parachutes?
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Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
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Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers?
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Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130?
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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Why is it that when a person tells you there’s over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there’s wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
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Why is it good to be a Daddy’s girl, but bad to be a Momma’s boy?
- Is it possible for someone to be a closet claustrophobic?
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Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
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Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
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Why is a women’s prison called a penal colony?
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You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same material?
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Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM’s? And secondly, way is it placed where the driver can reach it?
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If you google “Google” will your computer get stuck in a loop?
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Why do the walk signs only stay green long enough to allow pedestrians to get to the middle of the street?
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Why do people say heads up when you should duck?
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What do you say when someone says you’re in denial, but you’re not?
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Why do the numbers on a phone go one way and the numbers on the calculator go the other?
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Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
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Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
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What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
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Why do people never say “it’s only a game” when they’re winning?
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Did Adam and Eve have navels?
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Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
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How is it possible to have a civil war?
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If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
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If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
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If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
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If superglue is so good, why doesn’t it stick to the side of the tube?
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If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
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Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
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Why don’t you ever see baby pigeons?
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What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?
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What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?
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What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
All interesting questions but very few answers that make any sense at all. Life can be so challenging at times.
I’ve always felt I was the kind of person who had a really good sense of humor. I love good jokes, limericks or just about anything that will make me laugh. I also enjoy making people laugh and I’ve always have at my beck-and-call any number of jokes, quips, and sayings that helped me do that.
Most of my really close friends over the years have been people with a well-developed sense of humor who weren’t afraid to laugh at themselves. I’m a big believer that self-deprecating humor is by far the best and I practice it myself on many occasions. I love humor but I hate the kind that’s used to embarrass or degrade anyone.
One of my biggest problems is my inability to remember jokes. I’ve had friends that after a few drinks could tell jokes for two hours without taking a breath. The more they drank the more jokes they remembered and the funnier they became. That’s what I call a damn party. Unfortunately those kinds of people are few and far between these days or so it seems. Maybe it’s just me and I’m running in the wrong circles.
It also seems that a great many people claim to have little or no sense of humor. These are people that take themselves and their jobs way too seriously. They wear their lack of humor like a badge of honor at times and I just can’t wrap my head around that kind of thinking. What I’m trying to say as gently as possible is that if you have no sense of humor you’re probably boring as hell and about as much fun to be with as getting an STD.
I’m always on the lookout for people who love to laugh. Those are the people I want in my life and to spend time with to enjoy some quick-witted repartee. People who take themselves too seriously are no fun and it’s double trouble when they’re relatives. I remember being told a long time ago that “you can pick your nose, you can pick your friend’s nose, but you can’t pick your relatives.” It remains true today.
So this morning as I was surfing the Net I discovered websites that were actually dedicated to what have been termed “unfunny” or “anti-jokes. What kind of person takes time out of their busy day and a great deal of time each week in maintaining and promoting a website that’s totally effing ridiculous. These are supposedly jokes that are so unfunny that they become funny. Statements like that irritate the crap out of me and people making those statements must assume we’re all as dumb as they look.
Here are few samples of these anti-jokes and even after reading through hundreds of them, I just don’t see the point. Life is way too short to spend time with this nonsense. I’ll give you a few examples and then I’m going to walk away and never look back on this posting or their stupid web sites ever again.
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Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
Because he was hit by a bus.
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Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I have a gun.
Get in the van.
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An Irishman walks out of a bar.
What’s green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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What would George Washington do if he were alive today?
Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.
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A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.
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What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?
” I have read and agree to the Terms of Service”
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A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Well, do you think they’re stupid and offensive or is it just me. Maybe they do appeal to you and if so, you have my sincerest sympathies. I need laughter in my life from humor that is funny. It can be dark and morbid and still be hilarious. But to quote one of my favorite comedians, Ron White, “You just can’t fix stupid”.
LAUGH A LITTLE TODAY
If your experiences in life are anything like mine have been there’s always someone available to offer advice, both good and bad. Usually without you even asking. Every one thinks they’re some kind of philosopher and never hesitate to show you just how smart they think they are. It can be annoying as hell but every once in a while the proverbial blind man can find that pearl of wisdom. Unfortunately you’ll probably be forced to listen to a few dozen inane and stupid statements to get to the one that would really mean something.
My father and grandfather’s had an endless supply of what they thought were inspirational messages. “Don’t pee or spit into the wind.” and “Don’t tug on Superman’s cape.” immediately come to mind. A special thanks to Jim Croce for supplying my Dad with that one.
I began looking around the Net for more material on this subject but was soon overwhelmed with possibilities. Some of the following messages and quotes, and thoughts came from celebrities, politicians, and as always my favorite, Anonymous. I’ve removed the names of the authors because it the message that counts not who wrote it. You should be able to figure a few of them out if you give it some thought. Here we go.
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“Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.”
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”The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.”
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”It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.”
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”Your garbage disposal eats better than 30% of the people in this world.”
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”Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?”
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”Never do card tricks for your poker buddies.”
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”To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Beware of the toes you step on today. They could be attached to the ass you may have to kiss tomorrow.”
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“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.”
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“The only normal people are the ones that you don’t know very well.”
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“What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.”
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“If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.”
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“A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.”
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“If you want to leave footprints in the sands of time, don’t drag your feet.”
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
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“The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.”
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“I prefer to be a pessimist; it makes it easier to deal with my inevitable failure.”
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“Who is more foolish? The fool or the fool that follows him?”
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“To be ignorant of one’s ignorance is the malady of the ignorant.”
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“A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.”
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“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
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“Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you’re going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love.”
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“Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you are right.”
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“Never test the depth of the water with both feet.”
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“Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.”
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“If you lend someone $25 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.”
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“Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”
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“The difference between erotic and kinky is that one uses a feather, the other uses the whole chicken.”
Pick a few out that you like and memorize them. That way when you’re philosophizing for others you’ll have something to impress them with. You do know we all do it, all of the time, Right?
The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its prediction and then disappears. ~Bill Vaughn
Today is one of my favorite stupid and senseless holidays. It’s one that was cooked up by a bunch of German immigrants from Pennsylvania many years ago. As I’ve explained in years past, I’ve had an up-close and personal relationship with “Phil” and all of the nonsense that takes place in Punxatawney, PA.
It’s a tongue-in-cheek celebration to the entire world except for a few idiot local politician’s looking to get some face-time on the news. Even a groundhog is smart enough to know that there’ll be six more weeks of winter when it’s only freaking February.
As I surfed around today I found a web page that must be having a really slow month when it published the following list of eleven reasons why we should be celebrating this auspicious occasion.
11. It’s on nearly every calendar.
10. Helps relieve cabin fever.
9. Spring or not, it’s six weeks till St Urho’s Day.
8. Forecast is no less reliable than the National Weather Service.
7. At least one of them critters is bound to see things your way.
6. Valentine’s Day is too depressing for nerds.
5. Unlike the Easter bunny, he keeps his dirty paws outside.
4. As they used to say on radio: “The Shadow knows”.
3. It’s fun to say “Punxsutawney”.
2. If a rodent can bring us an early spring, more power to him.
1. In Minnesota, either way we come out ahead.
Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. ~Maori Proverb
I apologize if you nodded off midway through that list. I’m not saying I could have done better but OMG. I think the author might have reconsidered that list when both of his hands fell asleep as he typed it. They were that bored. It is just a real yawner . . . . .
“The trouble with weather forecasting is that it’s right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it.” ~Patrick Young
I know that many of you think Groundhog Day is lame but this year the impossible finally happened to make it unlame. Some NFL genius scheduled the Superbowl on Ground Hog Day just so they could steal some of good old “Punxatawney Phil’s” thunder. It’s just those damn sports fanatics attempting to glom on to Phil’s fan base. Just a shameless maneuver on their part.
HAPPY GROUND HOG DAY EVERYONE
SEATTLE RULES!!
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