Archive for the ‘Useless Crap’ Category
Are you superstitious? Do you believe that by doing something in particular bad things could happen. Or maybe even good things? It seems that in every community, state, and country there are hundreds of these ridiculous superstitions passed down from generation to generation. "Step on a crack and break your mother’s back" was one of the ones I specifically remember from my childhood. It had been jumping over and walking around sidewalk cracks for years and I’m still not sure why.
Like I didn’t have other things to worry about at that age. My concerns at that time were how to meet girls, how to get a date, acne, and will I play well in the big game tomorrow. Instead I was worried about walking under ladders, seeing black cats or breaking a mirror. Why? No one seems to know why we’re loaded up with all this nonsense at such an early age by both family and friends who are supposed to care about us. It’s just crazy.
I’m going to supply you with a short list of some of the good old standby’s and then a second shorter list of some odd ones from around the world.
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Two people breaking a wishbone is said to lead to good luck for the person with the larger piece.
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Opening an umbrella indoors is said to result in 21 days of bad luck. Some traditions hold that it is only bad luck if the umbrella is placed over the head of someone while indoors.
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If one walks underneath an open ladder it is said to bring bad luck. Sometimes it is said that this can be undone by immediately walking backwards back underneath the ladder.
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Breaking a mirror is said to bring bad luck for 7 years. To "undo" this, take the shards of glass and bury them underneath the moonlight. In ancient times, the mirror was said to be a window to the viewer’s soul.
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The superstitious symbolism of a black cat crossing one’s path is dependent upon culture: some cultures consider this a sign of impending bad luck, while some cultures consider this a sign of impending good luck.
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Once a wedding ring has been placed on the finger, it is considered bad luck to remove it.
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At times, a horseshoe may be found above doorways. When positioned like a regular ‘U’ it supposedly collects luck. However, when it is positioned like an upside-down ‘U’ the luck supposedly drains.
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Many believe that if all of the candles on a birthday cake are blown out with one breath, while making a silent wish, the wish will come true.
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When you speak of bad luck, it is said that one should always knock on wood. Also knocking when speaking of good luck apparently helps with having good luck. This is an old Celtic tradition related to belief of wood spirits.
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If you catch a falling leaf on the first day of autumn you will not catch a cold all winter.
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It’s bad luck to leave a house through a different door than the one used to come in.
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An acorn should be carried to bring luck and ensure a long life.
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Pirates around the world believed that piercing the ears with such precious metals as silver and gold improved one’s eyesight.
Amber beads, worn as a necklace, can protect against illness or cure colds.
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There are numerous sailors’ superstitions, such as: it is considered bad luck for a ship to set sail on a Friday, to bring anything blue aboard, to stick a knife into the deck, to leave a hatch cover upside-down, to say "pig", or to eat walnuts aboard, and to sail with a woman on board.
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In Russia it is believed that before traveling a person should, apparently, sit on their luggage.
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In Sweden it is believed that if you collect seven or nine different flowers on midsummer eve and place them under your pillow, you will dream of your future spouse.
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It is bad luck in Great Britain to put new shoes on a bed or a table (this comes from the tradition of dressing a corpse in new clothes and shoes and laying them out so everyone can give their respects).
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Placing keys on a table in Sweden is considered unlucky.
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Placing a hat on the bed is, apparently, bad luck in certain European countries.
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In some parts of England, rum is used to wash a baby’s head for good luck.
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According to an age old custom, carrying a dead shrew in your pocket wards off rheumatism.
Just to be on the safe side you should write these all down and take time to memorize them. Then when the time is right pass them on to your children and grandchildren. It’s only fair that we do our part in keeping these really stupid traditions alive.
Someday when you have a free moment take a seat near a sidewalk and relax with a hot cup of coffee. Then watch the passers-by and see how many refuse to step on the sidewalk cracks. You’ll be amazed.
Why are farts and farting so funny? I don’t have the answer to that either but you have to admit the subject is always hilarious and 99% of the population would agree. As I’ve traveled around I’ve become attuned over time to those particular body movements when one is on the way and the ever so unusual sounds used in attempts to disguise those SBD’s (Silent But Deadly).
Yesterday was a good example. I stopped by a local Target store to pickup a few items. The place was crowded with the normal assortment of customers all roaming around doing shopping stuff. I was walking through the Kitchen Department minding my own business when I walked into a cloud of what can only be called toxic fumes. About five steps away from me was the only other occupant of the aisle and the obvious depositor of that nasty gas cloud. She refused to look at me and stood quietly staring at her shoes. If she thought playing possum was going to work she had another think coming. I slowly edged toward her as I was pretending to peruse the items on the shelf hoping to pull the cloud along with me. Of course I was holding my breath the entire time. She waited until I was very close and then glanced my way and smiled a cutesy little grin. She then squirmed a little which should have been a red flag for me and quickly walked away. I took one additional step and got nailed by another fart cloud that was so bad my eyes began watering and making it impossible to see for a few seconds. The perp had disappeared in that cloud of noxious fumes after her successful double ambush. She was one of those perverted types who love to stick around to watch their victims suffer. For someone so young she was a real pro.
My father would have been so proud of her. He was a master of filling an aisle with a nasty fart and then walking away. His farts had a "hang time" of five or six minutes which I’ve never been able to duplicate. He would stand in the next aisle and get off listening to the people gag and curse as they were enveloped. He never felt the need to stick around and see his results in person.
I felt a little violated and somewhat disgusted by her cowardly act of fart terrorism. I decided to do the normal and well thought out thing, revenge. It was time to locate and identify another unsuspecting victim and pass it on.
You need to remember that for the last two months I’ve been strictly following a diet which requires that I eat tons of vegetables. I’ve become a stinky, nasty, and disgusting fart machine. I no longer have total control of my farting and seem to be farting non-stop most of the time. I walked into the Cosmetic Department and settled in to lay my trap. An older woman and her two young daughters made the mistake of cruising through the danger zone. I laid down a path of cucumber and onion gas that was so bad I had to leave immediately. I stood nearby and waited and discovered that Mom had some mouth on her. She was gagging and cursing loudly and the two girls immediately fled the scene. They wanted that to avoid the gas cloud and also the embarrassment of their Mommy’s trash mouth. I freaking loved it.
You have to admit, that was damn funny. I know my later father is up there in heaven (maybe) and laughing his ass off. He was always big on upholding family traditions and would be happy as hell to see that I’m still carrying on one of his favorites. Now for a funny fart joke and I’m done for today.
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I’ve got the farts. I mean I fart all the time."
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can’t hear them. It’s just that I fart all the time. Look, we’ve been talking here for about 10 minutes and I’ve farted five times. You didn’t hear them and you don’t smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor.
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
One last tidbit of a few new fart euphemisms I stumbled upon:
Mud Duck
Trouser Cough
Crack Splitters
Turd Tooties
Anal Audio
Great Brown Cloud
Have a wonderful day and be careful out there. You’ll never know which aisle will be “The One” until it’s too late.
Yesterday I was a little bored which might explain why I was visiting Craig’s List. I’m not a huge fan of the site because getting up close and personal with anonymous crazies is not my thing. The history of Craig’s List and it’s problems are well known and need no further explanations from me. I do enjoy reading many of their ads which can be both unusual and occasionally funny.
Funny ads are nothing new. Over the years I’ve been drawn to newspapers and magazine ad sections to get a laugh or two. The Penny Saver newspapers and their ilk are by far the best. The following collection includes a few of those types of ads that made me “laugh out loud” when I read them. It amazes me how the ad writers can inject such humor into their ads and most times don’t even realize it.
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FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB —
$850/best offer
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX,
COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS FOR SALE.
NEVER BRED CALVES.
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW.
SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES
GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN – 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED – USED ONCE
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT…
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE A REWARD.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS – $175.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE…
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
SELLING WASHER & DRYER $300.
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS, FOR SALE BY OWNER
COMPLETE SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA. 45 VOLUMES. EXCELLENT CONDITION. $1,000.00 NEGOTIABLE. NO LONGER NEEDED. RECENTLY MARRIED; WIFE KNOWS EVERYTHING
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Why is it that spontaneous and unplanned humor like these ads can be funnier that a lot of the professionally constructed jokes we hear every day. I find this stuff hilarious and there seems to be an endless supply.
I guess it’s time for another trivia challenge for all of you trivia maniacs out there. Today’s 10 questions should be categorized as miscellaneous. They are a mixed bag of facts that might just interest you a little. I took this quiz myself as I put it together but I’m not admitting how badly I did. Let’s just say I scored higher than one and less than four. I’m so ashamed.
As always the correct answers will be posted tomorrow. If you score anything higher than a four your doing really well and should be proud. Good luck!
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1. What was the original name of the Girl Scouts?
2. In 1937, sewing machine heiress Daisy singer Alexander put her will in a model and tossed it into the Thames River near London. Where and when did it wash up?
3. What day is the middle day of the year in a non-leap year?
4. For what magazine did Hugh Hefner serve as circulation manager while he was raising money to launch Playboy?
5. What did Lizzie Borden, Napoleon, and Titian have in common?
6. By what name was Nobel Peace Prize winner Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu better known?
7. What do the letters stand for in the acronym CARE, the name of the relief organization established in 1945?
8. What is the telephone area code for a cruise ship in the Atlantic Ocean?
9. What unusual twosome spoke at ventriloquist Edgar Bergen’s funeral in 1979?
10. Why is the phrase "the quick brown fox jumps over lazy dog" used to check typewriters?
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There you have it. Now before I finish this posting I’ll throw in another filthy yet funny limerick. You can never ever have enough limericks, dirty or otherwise. If you’re offended by this off-color humor, too bad.
There once was a woman named Jill
Who swallowed an exploding pill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her tits in a tree in Brazil.
Believe it or not I’m a really a sensitive guy. You really can’t listen to rumor or the personal opinions of people who may be biased in some fashion. With that being said I need to remind everyone that it’s mid-October here in Maine, the warm weather is slowly fading away leaving us with crisp and cold nights and sunny days with chilly winds. Now that you’ve been given the official EveryUseLessThing weather report you understand it’s that time of the year for the anticipated “change of season”. We’ve now seen the return of football, new TV programming, and the soon to be migration of hundreds of thousands of senior citizens making their Fall pilgrimage to look at the freaking leaves. This is also the time of the year where my better-half and I begin our annual Fall battle over heating the house.
Those of you who heat with heating oil understand just how much money is spent on keeping the home fires burning through a long New England winter. With the costs of heating oil skyrocketing every year at this time, every drop you save is money in your pocket. As much as I agree with saving money there are times when I must disagree. This is one of those times.
In remodeling this home two years ago we required that it be "tight". That means as much heat as possible remains in the house and doesn’t escape through any uninsulated areas. We were very successful with that upgrade but it causes it’s own problems. When the house is that “tight” and the heat is not yet been turned on, the insulation keeps the cold night air inside the house. Our situation now is a little strange. For most of the morning our house is freezing cold and the cold air can’t escape. We’re forced to go outside to warm up once the sun comes out. It’s stupid but true.
That’s where the war starts every year. I try to explain to my better-half that it’s necessary to turn on the heat at a very low level to help eliminate the residual cold air from the previous night. She just doesn’t get it and refuses to turn on the heat at all. I’m being forced to wear three layers of clothing just to watch TV and then when I go outside I find myself removing a layer or two to be comfortable. I suppose I could just turn the heat on and disregard her feelings entirely but that would escalate the war and extend it for many weeks. The recriminations and potential revenge scenarios come into play with more arguing and mean spirited discussions expected. It’s a freaking conundrum.
Thank God for our industrial strength electric blanket. It’s the only thing keeping me from becoming highly disagreeable. A few days ago it was so cold I was forced to spend eight hours sitting in our bed with the blanket at a high level just to be comfortable. We’re at the breaking point with this issue now and I’m almost convinced that it’ll be worth fighting with her for another month or two if I can just get the heat on for a few hours in the morning. She may get a huge surprise when she gets home from work and finds the house warmer and more livable.
I’m not a heat fanatic by any means. We maintain our thermostats at no more than 62 degrees for most of the winter anyway. By taking the time to write this posting I’ve convinced myself to "grow a pair" and just turn the effing heat on. Enough of this nonsense. I’ve taken a vote and my better-half votes NO to heat but me and my “nuts” vote YES. That’s three to one and she loses. On comes the furnace tomorrow morning and let the “Great Heat War of 2013” begin.
For most of my life I’ve had older people telling me things that I had a hard time believing. Growing up in western Pennsylvania put me in contact with many people with their genealogical roots in eastern Europe. I wasn’t more than seven or eight when a elderly neighbor lady who spoke broken English told me to wear cloves of garlic around my neck to ward off evil spirits. It wasn’t until many years later that I discovered she was an immigrant from Romania where they have a history of evil beings and Vlad the Impaler.
Old wives tales are present in every society it seems and have been passed down through the generations as being the gospel truth. When I lived in Korea I found out the best way to insure a safe pregnancy was to hang a strand of charcoal pieces over the doorway to your home. I thought it was nonsense but after a group of elderly Korean ladies threatened me with bodily harm, I just smiled and got out of their way. They put the charcoal in place and there was once again peace in the valley.
Here’s an interesting collection of “Old Wives Tales” for you women out there. I can’t verify that they’re true or that they actually work but I can guarantee that somewhere out there are a few Old Wives who believe it.
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If you happen to step on a man’s toes, whether dancing or in a crowd, it is the man you’ll marry. So the next time you step on a man’s toes, take a real good look at him, you just might be looking The One.
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Eve didn’t have any choice as to who she gave the apple to. But before you give your apple away, try this. Cut it in half and put all the seeds in a pan on the stove. Name each seed after a man you know. Then quickly heat the pan. The first seed to pop will reveal the name of the man for you.
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A woman who puts on a bridal veil and holds orange blossoms on any occasion, but not her own wedding, will never marry.
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If you are young woman make a pie. While trimming the pie crust, if it falls over your hand, that is a sign you will marry young.
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If a woman braids her hair and leaves out a strand, it is a sign she will marry within the year.
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If there are many men in your life and you wonder which one you’ll marry, take 12 slips of paper and write on each slip the name of one of the men. Place the 12 slips into an envelope and sleep with it under your pillow. Each morning draw one slip from the envelope at random. Rip it up and toss it away. The last slip of paper in the envelope is the name of the man you will marry.
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If you have a man in your life and you want him to remain interested in you and to pop the big question, never let him carry your comb in his pocket.
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A woman who makes a good looking bed will have a good looking husband. And a woman who has an unkempt bed will have someone else’s husband.
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If you haven’t met Mr. Right yet, but want to see his face, follow these steps. Find a well. Make sure it’s not covered so that you can actually look down into it and see the water. On the night of the full moon, toss a penny into the well. The face you see at the bottom of the well is the man you’ll marry.
Unfortunately ladies most of you will one day be an Old Wife. I’m supplying you with these tales so you’ll have something to pass along to your daughters. It’s your motherly responsibility to keep this tradition alive. Every generation has the right to hear this nonsense and then to pass it along to their daughters. It keeps life interesting.
I’ve always been intrigued by strange and unusual facts, synchronicity, and coincidences. Common sense tells me that they’re just random happenstances that mean nothing and have not been caused by anything paranormal or magical. If you research as many of them as I have it can easily seem that something unearthly is causing the occurrences.
I’ve collected reference material from wherever I could find it and I’m still occasionally stunned and amazed by what I’ve found. Let me pass on to you a few facts that are true and bizarre. Feel free to make your own decision as to what causes things like this to happen. I certainly have no answers. Maybe it’s just luck, if you believe in that.
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Angel Santana, of New York City, escaped unharmed when a robber’s bullet bounced off his pants zipper.
In 1942, Lieut. I. M. Chisov, a Russian pilot, fell 21,980 feet from his fighter plane and survived (his chute failed to open).
Sgt. Joseph Charles was in a fox hole in New Guinea during World War II when the mail boys called him to come out for a letter from home. He crawled out approximately 10 feet when a Japanese plane flew over and dropped a bomb that completely destroyed the foxhole he’d just left.
Lieut. Cmdr. Robert W. Goehring was swept off the Coast Guard cutter U.S.S. Duane by a gigantic wave during a storm. The ship then turned around to rescue him, when suddenly another huge wave tossed him back on board to safety.
An ambulance in Nykroppa, Sweden, sent to pick up Lars Elam, a patient with a high fever, returned to the hospital with the patient driving it and the regular driver lying dead in the back from a heart attack.
Actor Sean Connery, who played the film character James Bond was once stopped for a traffic offense by a policeman named Sgt. James Bond.
Two automobiles that collided in Ajax, Ontario, on a slippery winter day were owned by motorists named Snow and Blizzard.
A bottle of prescription pills was swept out of the bedroom of Mrs. Lena McCovey when a flood destroyed her home on the Klamath River. It was found 200 miles away at Coos Bay, Oregon, by Mrs. McCovey’s sister.
Abraham Lincoln was the second member of his family to die by an assassin’s bullet. The other was his grandfather. Both victims were named Abraham, both had wives named Mary, and both had a son named Thomas. The name Abraham has never again been given to any member of the family.
In Bermuda, brothers Erskin L. Ebbin and Neville Ebbin both died one year apart after being struck by the same taxi, driven by the same driver, and carrying the same passenger.
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What do you think now? As I read through these kinds of facts there are just times when I can’t wrap my head around what I’m reading. Does it mean I believe there’s more at work here than meets the eye? There are times when I do think that but then the cynic and pragmatic part of me began screaming, “Are you effing crazy?”. Maybe I am.
For me this is a slow day. I’m writing on Sunday for Saturday but it still feels like a Sunday. It’s supposed to be a day of rest but that hardly ever happens. Today is a day of miscellaneous stuff and I’ll start off with the answers from yesterdays Food/Cooking Trivia Challenge. When I took the challenge I scored a measly four out of ten which wasn’t all that great but not altogether terrible. Let’s see how you did:
1. New Orleans
2. Miss Piggy
3. Shredded Wheat in 1882
4. 10 pounds. It takes about 75,000 flowers to produce a pound of saffron which is why it’s the most expensive spice the world.
5. 97%
6. The banana, apple, watermelon, orange and cantaloupe in order of their greatest consumption, according to the Food and Drug Administration.
7. The Frito Bandito commercial for Frito corn chips. The complaints came from Mexican-Americans.
8. Peanut butter. Five years later, Dr. John Harvey Kellogg filed for a patent on the process that was not very popular with patients at his Battle Creek, Michigan sanitarium.
9. Refrigerators
10. The fork.
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Now for a hypothetical job interview probably most appreciated by any of our Seniors who just happened to stumble upon this blog.
Job Interview
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old Man : "Honesty."
Human Resources Manager: "I don’t think honesty is a weakness."
Old Man : "I don’t really give a shit what you think."
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Was I wrong Seniors? That’s pretty much my mind set on any given day. Speak the truth as you see it and to hell with the consequences. I wish I could have been this honest during my days of working for some of the twerps I had for bosses. Oh well, I can dream can’t I?
Next I’ll pass along this paragraph sent to me by a friend from way out in flyover country. He thought it was humorous and so did I.
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No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London , England , and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.
His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.
Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.
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One little dirty limerick to perk up your day:
There once was a young girl from Rabat,
who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat;
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding,
When she found she had no tit for Tat.
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And last but not least a quick “Thank You” to this group of new followers to this blog. Welcome aboard! Please give their blogs a visit and enjoy them as much as I do.
Raluca Stoica, masondan, Opinionated Man, juliemontagu, penueaj, polishgirl21, marissax3x3, Jordan Policicchio, doctorbipolar, theoddspotblog,
ahines3, Charlotte Hoather, Kristin Maack, Susan, and Super Nate.
I’m a huge fan of both the Cooking and Food channels. Being a huge fan of food makes it almost a requirement. Without a large assortment of food the human race would cease to exist in short order (no pun intended).
I’ve been a cook for most of my life and to this day maintain a large handwritten recipe book with family recipes and many of my own that I use on a regular basis. Nothing fascinates me more than finding a new dish that I’ve never experienced and attempting to remake it “my way” and then share it with friends.
Needless to say everyone who enjoys cooking thinks their family recipes are the best and that their mothers and grandmothers are the final word on anything food related. I fall into that category myself not so much with my mother’s cooking which was only so-so but with my grandmothers which was sooooo good.
I thought today I’d present you with a short trivia challenge on food and cooking related items. As with any other subject there’s thousands of trivia items available to stump and puzzles us all when it comes to food. Here are 10 that I found somewhat interesting and I hope you do as well. The answers will be posted tomorrow so you can check and see how you’ve done. Have fun with it and then go eat a sandwich.
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1. In which American city is the greatest amount of ketchup consumed?
2. Who said: “Never eat more than you can lift”?
3. What was the first commercially manufactured breakfast cereal?
4. How many pounds of dry saffron does an acre of crocus plants yield?
5. Under federal food labeling regulations, how much caffeine must be removed from coffee for it to be called decaffeinated?
6. What are the five most frequently consumed fruits in the United States?
7. What snack food commercial was pulled off the air in 1970 because of complaints from an outraged ethnic group?
8. What popular lunch and snack food did an unidentified St. Louis doctor develop in 1890 for patients requiring an easily digested form of protein?
9. What do Eskimos use to prevent their food from freezing?
10. What eating utensil was first brought to America in 1630 by Massachusetts Bay Colony governor John Winthrop, who carried it around with him in a specially made, velvet-lined leather case?
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I selected these questions because I felt they could be answered easily if you just think about them for a moment. I could be wrong so check back tomorrow.
I’ve been accused by my better-half on more than one occasion that she knows what I’m thinking when I say certain words. I refuse to repeat any of her examples because it’ll only make her think she’s right and then I’d never ever hear the end of it. It did get me thinking about certain words and phrases I’ve been hearing for most of my life from female family members, girlfriends, and spouses. I think this list may be used as a reference guide to help me in my future discussions (arguments) with my better-half concerning these matters. I’m sure if I put my mind to it I could add another twenty of thirty items to this list but what’s the point. For my male readers I’m sure you’ll recognize some of these golden oldies used by generations of women to confuse and misdirect us. War is truly hell when it involves the sexes. Arm yourselves with as much ammunition and information as you can. You’ve been warned.
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FINE – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the hell up.
WHATEVER – This is the new favorite word women use to convey “screw you”or “up yours”.
FIVE MINUTES – This means half an hour.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? – This has no real meaning. They only say it every fifteen minutes to drive us effing crazy.
NOTHING – This is the calm before the storm. This actually means "Something," and you should stand with your back to the nearest wall. ‘Nothing’ usually means Something and it’s Something bad for you.
GO AHEAD – This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it, trust me, DON’T DO IT.
FINE! - Does not really mean fine at all. It means “Fine, you rotten SOB” and you’ll be sorry for bringing it up.
LOUD SIGH – A sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and a moron and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
THAT’S OKAY – This means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake.
THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome but make no direct eye contact.
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I hope this helps all of you men out there in your attempts to understand just what your woman or women are really saying. It takes decades for us men to even scratch the surface of understanding women and I’m firmly convinced we never will. We just have to keep trying.
everyuselessthing.com 
I’ve been accused by my better-half on more than one occasion that she knows what I’m thinking when I say certain words. I refuse to repeat any of her examples because it’ll only make her think she’s right and then I’d never ever hear the end of it. It did get me thinking about certain words and phrases I’ve been hearing for most of my life from female family members, girlfriends, and spouses. I think this list may be used as a reference guide to help me in my future discussions (arguments) with my better-half concerning these matters. I’m sure if I put my mind to it I could add another twenty of thirty items to this list but what’s the point. For my male readers I’m sure you’ll recognize some of these golden oldies used by generations of women to confuse and misdirect us. War is truly hell when it involves the sexes. Arm yourselves with as much ammunition and information as you can. You’ve been warned.
* * *
FINE – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the hell up.
WHATEVER – This is the new favorite word women use to convey “screw you”or “up yours”.
FIVE MINUTES – This means half an hour.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? – This has no real meaning. They only say it every fifteen minutes to drive us effing crazy.
NOTHING – This is the calm before the storm. This actually means "Something," and you should stand with your back to the nearest wall. ‘Nothing’ usually means Something and it’s Something bad for you.
GO AHEAD – This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it, trust me, DON’T DO IT.
FINE! - Does not really mean fine at all. It means “Fine, you rotten SOB” and you’ll be sorry for bringing it up.
LOUD SIGH – A sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and a moron and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
THAT’S OKAY – This means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake.
THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome but make no direct eye contact.
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I hope this helps all of you men out there in your attempts to understand just what your woman or women are really saying. It takes decades for us men to even scratch the surface of understanding women and I’m firmly convinced we never will. We just have to keep trying.
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