Archive for the ‘Useless Crap’ Category
Today was all about relaxing. My better-half and I decided to just take the day, go where we please, relax a little, and we did just that. We had a great breakfast at home and then headed for the coast to snap some pictures. As expected traffic was heavier than usual with the influx of tourist beginning to increase. The summer season is almost upon us.
Our first stop was the Portland Head Light which is a light house on a point of land at the entry to Portland harbor. This is a favorite spot for tourists from all over the country if the license plates we saw today were any indication. My luck much be changing because just as we drove past the main entrance someone pulled out and left me the best damn parking spot you can get. We took plenty of pictures, spent some time in the gift shop, and then near the water watching the boats come and go. It’s a very relaxing place and the adjacent park was filled with kids and parents flying kits, throwing Frisbees, and playing ball. It was very nice.
We then left the park and drove through the suburbs of Portland and headed northwest out of the city. We drove at least a hundred miles in a large circle covering a large portion of southern Maine. We stopped to shop in a number of antique shops because I was hot to buy something today. Unfortunately for me my better-half was not. We saw many really cool things but ended up buying nothing at all. I found a working Dictaphone circa 1865 with a number of wax cylinders still intact and workable. It was in beautiful condition and I had a hard time walking away from it. For $150.00 it could have been all mine. It still may be mine. My better-half returns to wok tomorrow which may force me drive back to that shop and make the purchase anyway. Should I or shouldn’t I? I’ll know tomorrow when I get out of bed.
We had a great day together and it gave us a chance to reconnect after a few weeks of her hectic work schedule. We antiqued a little and then stopped along the road to see some lambs and take their pictures. I also got some great shots of my better-half chasing a flock of turkeys through a farmers field trying to snap pictures while running. It was really funny and I’ve got it all on my camera to be used later to embarrass her. Life is good.
We returned home tired but relaxed. She’s back to work tomorrow where the stress will start working on her all over again. Since this was my official Fathers Day celebration I was happy as I could be. Steaks on the grill later, a nice glass of wine or two, and hopefully a restful nights sleep afterwards. If you get my drift.
Today started out as a day to just lay back and take it easy. That’s usually an easy thing to do if you don’t leave the house. Once I’m out and about and see other people then my mind starts working overtime and sometimes not in a good way. I love people watching but they just make it so easy for me to criticize them.
I was heading to my bank for a little cash retrieval which should have been no big deal. I pull in line behind one vehicle and made the incorrect assumption I’d be on my way fairly quickly. Not a freaking prayer. I’m waiting and waiting and not moving. I open my door and what do I see? There’s a homeless guy standing at the drive-thru ATM getting some cash to carry him over for a few hours or maybe a few drinks. If you’ve got an account with money in it at BOA why are you homeless. I’ve seen that same dude every time I drive through this town standing at the side of the road at a main intersection begging for cans. It’s entirely possible he’s making more goddamn money than I am and he too has an account at Bank of America.
My better-half insisted after the ATM fiasco that we make a short visit to a local flea market. If she doesn’t buy at least one thing every day she goes into a weird shopper’s withdrawal. The flea market in question is well known for having some of the highest “bargain” prices in southern Maine.
We arrived there and the place is crawling with tourists. We got lucky and found a decent parking spot and then the fun began. I never know what I might buy in places like this until I see it and so I spent the next hour diligently looking through mountains of so called antiques (junk) with nothing catching my eye. I did notice one thing though. The prices for this crap were through the roof. I think we can thank those oh so popular American Pickers and the dozens of other TV programs that have convinced America that every piece of crap more than ten years old is a valuable treasure. Thanks for nothing TV.
I saw one item of interest which was four inches high and maybe three inches square, a hard carved wooded block. It was filthy dirty and had no price tag which is not a good sign. If there’s no tag it means the seller first checks out the potential buyer and charges them a price he thinks they can afford. I politely asked for the price and the guy tells me $80.00. I could only stand there until the shock wore off. I guess my comment" “you’ve got to be freaking kidding me” made him a little unhappy. He then proceeds to tell me that he purchased that exact piece for $400.00 in Kenya three years ago and has the paperwork to prove it. I then asked what the exchange rate was with Kenya at the time. Probably $200.00 Kenyan dollars for each American dollar. I just laughed and walked away with him chattering in the background.
That’s two hours out of my life I’ll never get back. It’s also the last time I’ll be visiting that place. I feel for those stupid and gullible tourists from all over the country being bamboozled into buying this junk for outrageous prices. Like P. T. Barnum always liked to say “there’s one born every minute”.
As I’ve lived my somewhat interesting life I’ve noticed a few things. The constant stream of insults and insensitive comments made by both men and women about each other is one of the most puzzling. Every guy I’ve known has done it at times as do most women. My mother and father did it for sixty years to each other, sometimes jokingly and other times not so much. It makes no sense that we do these things to each other but we do.
Since I’ve been old enough to be called a man I’ve had any number of women repeat certain statements to me, "You men are all the same.", “That’s really stupid, it must be a man thing.” For both men and women it appears that this behavior has been passed down from past generations to us. Nothing irritates me more than broad-brush generalities used to denigrate large groups of people. I know it would really tick off my better-half if If I made caustic comments about women but even saying that hasn’t stopped it from happening between us on occasion.
These tendencies are used as a last resort in most arguments to help us put each other on the defensive. I hope that it’s just a way of garnering attention and not what is actually believed. Here are twelve quotes, bumper stickers, jokes, and anonymous sayings from many and varied females about men.
Women on Men
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"Boobs are the proof that men can focus on 2 things at once."
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"Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you." — Mae West
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"Any woman that thinks the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high."
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"Men only have two faults: Everything they say and everything they do."
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"Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in." — Katherine Whitehorn.
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"Husbands are like fires; they go out when unattended." — Zsa Zsa Gabor.
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"There’s nothing like a girl with a plunging neckline to keep a man on his toes."
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"A woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake an entire relationship."
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"Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all."
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"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car." — Carrie Snow.
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"Most men would never get laid if it weren’t for the pity fuck."
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"War is menstruation envy."
Women can be cruel in their humor but I must force myself to be fair in this discussion. Men are just as bad and like women they do it more when they’re in groups. It’s like a bonding requirement for both sexes within their specific gender groups. So, let’s all agree that men are just as bad as women and to prove that point here are twelve perfect examples.
Men on Women
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"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." — P. J. O’Rourke.
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"We have drugs to make women speak, but none to keep them silent." — Anatole France.
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"Do you know why they call it PMS ? Because Mad Cow Disease was taken." — Unknown
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"Brigands will demand your money or your life, but a woman will demand both." — Samuel Butler.
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"When a guy goes to a hooker, he’s not paying her for sex, he’s paying her to leave."
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"Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex."
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"I’ve finally found the perfect girl, I couldn’t ask for more. She’s deaf and dumb and over-sexed. And owns a liquor store."
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"Here’s to our wives and sweethearts — may they never meet." — John Bunny.
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"An 11 is a 10 who doesn’t have headaches."
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"Girls are like rocks; you skip the flat ones."
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"God created the orgasm so that women can moan even when they are happy."
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"I have always dreamed of being in bed with a hot woman. Little did I know I would have to wait until she reached menopause." — Lee Entrekin.
With all of this going on with both sexes it’s a miracle that the human race hasn’t gone extinct before now. It’s the ultimate love/hate relationship. Maybe it’s just the ultimate genetic push for women to procreate that over rides their general disdain for the men needed to make it happen. Maybe it’s the incredible pleasure women can offer men to help them overcome their issues with the female gender. Who knows for sure, certainly not me.
Will the day ever come when the bickering and sarcasm will stop. I’d have to say "no way". Maybe it takes more passion than I first thought to prompt all of the stressful name calling, jokes, and sarcasm. Passion apparently trumps everything and allows the sexes a few moment of intense pleasure together long enough to keep the human race in existence.
War is hell.
I’m a huge fan of the English language and I can honestly say I’m as surprised as anyone that I would or could ever say that and mean it. In high school and college I avoided English courses of any kind when possible. As the years passed I gained a real appreciation and love for the language and it’s many humorous uses.
I learned along the way that some people’s sense of humor was instrumental in how they named their children, their businesses, and even their pets. At times I really wondered what was going through the minds of parents who stuck their children with names that would haunt them for the rest of their lives. Was it just humor or were they intentionally being mean and nasty? Here are a few paragraphs of actual names of actual people who probably aren’t all that happy with their parent’s choices. As you’ll notice there are even a few celebrities included.
Al Dente, Anita Bath, Anne Teek, Armand Hammer, Art Major, Bud Light, Dick Head, Dick Trickle, Donald Duck, Frank Enstein, Gene Poole, Harry Sachs, Jim Shorts, Justin Case, Lewis N. Clark, Marshall Law, Mike Hunt, Mike Rotch, Myles Long, Olive Branch, Paige Turner, Peg Legge, and Polly Ester.
You just can’t make this stuff up. If I was saddled with any of these names I would have never forgiven my parents. Let’s continue with a few more.
Ray Gunn, Rick Shaw, Rip Torn, Rod N. Reel, Sal Minella, Seymour Bush, Shanda Lear, Sue Flay, Tanya Hyde, Tess Steckle, Virginia Breach, Wanda Hickey, Warren Peace, Will Power, Will Wynn, Willie Leak, and Willie Stroker.
As bad as some of these names are many people when starting a business do everything in their power to give it a name that will catch the attention of possible new customers. Here are a few names of drinking establishments that will do just that and no I haven’t visited them all.
The Ram Inn, The Happy Medium, Drunken Duck, The Elusive Camel, The Hung Drawn And Quartered, Spread Eagle, Dirty Dick’s, and Filthy Mc Nasty’s.
There is no end to the games that can be played with the English language and of course why would I not mention the ability of some of our illustrious strippers who use names that might just increase interest in their many and abundant assets.
Dixie Normas, July Raine, Skyy Bleu, Dalas Star, Mercedes Dawn, Lexus Paige, Shy Lynne, Stormy Wave, Stormy Weather, Candy Bar, Candy Kane, Alotta Fagina, Caramel DDelight, Rosy Hips, Venus Fly Trap, Cin DD, Candy Cox, and Bambi Thumper.
I don’t want you readers to think for a minute that I know theses stripper names from personal experience. If I really visited those kinds of establishments I probably wouldn’t live long enough to enjoy them. My better-half may not be the best shot in Maine but what she lacks in accuracy she makes up in the large amount of ammo she has available.
Just saying.
I’ve been having some fun with lists for the last week but I think it’s time to step back into journal mode to update a few personal things. With this continuing rain we’ve been having the garden has really taken off. Last year when I planted my first rhubarb plant after three months it was approximately one foot high and I was really concerned that it wouldn’t make it through the winter. As of yesterday that stupid plant is now over six feet high and going strong. It looks like I’ll harvest enough seeds from it to plant a few more places around the property. You just can’t have too much of that wonderful stuff around since this years current price is hovering around $3.80 a pound. That s just highway robbery in my view so the more I grow the better.
Last weekend I spent a portion of Saturday doing the ceiling fan shuffle. I installed a new sleeker model fan with a light kit in our bedroom and a matching fan without a light kit into the room I spent all winter remodeling. The remodeled room is almost ninety percent furnished with nothing left to do except put a organizer system into the closet. It looks freaking fabulous. I then took the old fan from our bedroom and installed conveniently into my man cave directly above my computer desk. That will make for a nice cool blogging summer.
Tonight we were invited to my better-half’s daughter’s home for shish kabobs on the grill. With the school year almost over she’s preparing for her first summer vacation with the new baby. After teaching everyone else’s kids all year, she can now spend some quality time with her son. I see a lot of beach time in his immediate future which he will probably love. We were able to catch up on things a little and enjoyed the meal and conversation immensely. We made an early night of it and returned home with full bellies and smiles on our faces. It was a very nice visit.
We’re do for what looks like two or three more days of rain which is always badly needed to keep the garden healthy. That should give me enough time to continue work on a project I started more than a year ago. I’ve been working off and on a somewhat strange abstract bust of my better-half and I’m finally making some real progress on it since the room remodel was completed. I recently finished the hair which was a tedious job and within a month I should have this project finally completed.
We’re having a really great start to the Spring and Summer and plans are already taking shape for a long weekend to the wilds of northern Maine to get into the woods and take as many pictures as necessary to fill every memory card we have.
We also have an obligatory two day trip to visit her family in Rhode Island which should be fun too. This could actually turn into a rather nice summer barring any unplanned catastrophes. We plan on enjoying it as much as we possibly can before the next long winter begins. I might even be talked into a night at the amusement park in Old Orchard Beach. You’re never too old to jump on a ride or two and have a little fun.
Enjoy your summer.
I seem to have centered all of my attention in recent days to male and female issues to the exclusion of all else. It’s time to get back to what this blog is all about, Totally Useless Information. There seems to be a never ending supply of useless facts and stupid information to keep me and this blog going for many years to come. I’ve already turned myself into a huge steaming pile of trivia which may come in handy some day playing Trivial Pursuit but not for much else. Maybe if I spread the information around a little it will make room in my skull for other new and useless things I may stumble upon. These factoids were collected from hither and yon and have no reason to exist other than to humor us. Here goes nothing.
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More than ten people a year are killed by vending machines.
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President George W. Bush was once a cheerleader.
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The average person spends three years of his or her life on the toilet.
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Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
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Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.
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More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world.
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There is a village in Ireland called Muff, and they have their own diving club.
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Seven percent of Americans eat at McDonalds every day.
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The only First Lady to ever carry a loaded revolver was Eleanor Roosevelt.
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Polar bears are left-handed.
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McDonald’s did away with its spoon-shaped coffee stirrers because people were using them to snort cocaine.
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Men who kiss their wives in the morning live five years longer than those who don’t.
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Outside of the bedroom, the most common place for adults in the U.S. to have sex is in a car.
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At any given hour there are an average of 61,000 people airborne over the United States.
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Seven pitches is the average life span of a Major League Baseball.
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Twenty nine percent of women spend more time shopping for shoes than they do looking for a life long mate.
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According to statistics, Australian women are most likely to have sex on the first date.
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It’s impossible to sneeze and keep your eyes open.
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The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
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The U.S. Government spent $277,000 on pickle research in 1993.
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American Airlines saved $440,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each first-class salad.
I hope that’ll ease the withdrawal pains caused by your useless crap addiction. I’m afraid I’m too far gone to be helped so I’ll just keep on collecting this stuff and shovel it off to you. As always, your welcome.
I’d like to lighten things up today with a short discussion about some of my favorite things, limericks. I’ve been a huge fan from an early age and unfortunately I like my limericks as dirty as possible. I had an relative years ago who had a huge book of really filthy limericks which he would bring out a parties to read a few and get the place rocking a bit.
I’ve written my fair share of limericks and it’s actually a fun thing to do. There are literally hundreds of thousands of them out there and if you don’t find them funny as hell your really missing out.
I have some favorites but I would never attempt to blog them because my better-half would kill me. Fortunately there are so many others available in so many categories I hopefully can keep it somewhat clean. I make no promises because limericks are meant to be dirty. Here’s one I’ve been saving for my better-half’s daughter who just happens to be an middle school math teacher.
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‘Tis a favourite project of mine,
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3,
For it’s simpler, you see,
Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9
Of course some limericks convey thoughts and comments about religion and the good and evil we all must learn to deal with.
I could put a few more of these boring limericks but let’s cut to the chase for a few sexually oriented ones.
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There was a Young Man from Kent
Whose Rod was so long it bent.
So to save himself trouble
He bent it in double,
And instead of coming, he went!
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An epileptic young woman named Camp
Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
But the first time he squeezed her
She had a Grand Mal seizure
And broke both his balls and a lamp.
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There was a young lady from Nizes
whose breasts were two different sizes.
One was so small
it was nothing at all,
but the other was huge and won prizes.
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There was a young lady named Hilda
Who went driving one night with a builda.
He said that he should
That he could and he would,
And he did and it pretty near killda.
Those were examples of a few mildly sexual limericks. I won’t be taking you any further down the limerick’s road to depravity today but possibly at a later date I’ll post a few of the more disgusting ones I’ve found. I’ll have to post them late at night from a darkened computer room to avoid complications with my somewhat prudish better-half.
Here are two I wrote this morning just to show you how easy it can be if you’d like to explore your creative side.
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There once was a man from Maine
To whom life seemed a mere game
He blogged and he blogged
Till his brain became clogged
With comments received from the lame
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Every Useless Thing is a fun blog
But the author’s been in a real fog
The writing comes easy
But at times can turn sleazy
Like having sex with a ‘ho’ and her dog
If I can stumble my way through the process then anyone can. Give it your best shot and make it as filthy as you’d like. Send it over and I’ll be sure to post it.
I’ve always considered myself to be an ambidextrous person which has made it necessary for me to read anything I can find on the subject. There are arguments and discussions both pro and con as to whether a person is really ambidextrous or just cross-dominant. Cross-dominance apparently is defined as the ability to use either hand for specific tasks but not being able to use both hands for all tasks. That sounds confusing I know so further discussion is required.
As a child in elementary school I began writing with my left hand almost immediately. Teachers in those days actually discouraged left-handedness and required those children to write with their right hands. I was chastised enough that I soon learned to write right-handed and have been doing so ever since. Oddly enough I can still right with my left but not quite as clearly. This was just the start of right-handed people attempting to change me. To a young kid it was a bit traumatic and created a great deal of confusion for me.
I was heavily into sports and the problem was again raised almost immediately. As I began training I wasn’t sure which hand I wanted to throw with. Attempts were made to force me into right-handedness but I fought against it this time. The end result was a successful career as a baseball player who threw and batted both ways. I pitched a number of Little League games over the years using either hand. In one game I actually pitched a portion of a game right-handed and when my arm tired, finished the last few innings left-handed. I felt good about it since it caused people to finally leave me alone to my mixed abilities.
Growing up our family was not wealthy or well-to-do so I was forced to make other compromises. My father was an avid golfer and started me golfing at an early age. I was taught to golf right-handed because the cost of left-handed clubs at that time was out of our reach. Many years later as a joke I rented a set of left-handed clubs at a local course and actually shot a reasonably decent score much to my Dad’s surprise. It took a while for me to make the adjustment back to left-handed but I was thrilled I was able to pull it off.
There are a few real benefits to being ambidextrous. I can hammer and nail with both hands and I can paint with either hand (artistically or house painting). It makes painting and hammering less tiring when you can switch off when necessary. I also found I had an unusual ability to write with both hands simultaneously. With my right hand I write normally and with the left I am able to write backwards. It’s a useless talent but has won me me a lot of drinks in a lot of bars over the years. Also being able to pick one’s nose with either hand is an ability your all probably jealous of. I still have no answer as to which category I fall into but that’s okay, it’s taken years but I’ve adjusted to it either way.
I only hope that kids with the same abilities aren’t still being manipulated to be something their not. Whether your a lefty or a righty doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that you be permitted to be what you are, not what someone else thinks you should be.
I thought I’d write a little about marriage today. Seeing as how more marriages fail than survive, it makes one wonder what’s the point. Even knowing it only has a 50/50 chance of success doesn’t seem to stop people from jumping right into a relationship that’s complex and difficult on it’s good days. Even the massive effort by members of the gay community to legalize marriage truly puzzles me. I sometimes think it’s just a way for them to feel like the rest of us, married, miserable, and alimony and child support eligible.
As an officiant in a wedding more than a year ago I had my eyes opened even further about weddings and their preparations. The wedding I was involved with was a down-to-earth, simple, and beautiful one. No thousands of dollars spent on a one-time dress, no catered meal, no huge hall, or any of the more stupid things like releasing doves. It was elegant and beautiful. Does that give that marriage a better chance of success? I doubt it.
The number of cottage industries that have originated to feed the marriage expectations of millions of people also boggles the mind. Event planners, depending on the wedding size, make much more money for their services than some weddings cost. As we all know some people spend many thousands of dollars on what everyone considers an institution with terrible odds of succeeding. That’s a kind of gambling most people would never attempt, not even in Las Vegas.
That being said, in my efforts to better understand I found myself wandering the highways and byways of the Net looking for information of this holy of holy experiences (I hope you know that was sarcasm). Some people have made the decision to have a humorous wedding. Why? I have no clue. I suppose humor might make taking the plunge a little less terrifying. Here are two examples of some of the new and funny vows (again sarcasm) to help lighten up the ceremony:
I (name), take you (name), to be my beloved wife. I promise to love you and be your faithful partner, for better for worse, for richer, for poorer, when the Jets are winning, and when they are losing, in sickness, and in health, and in Jets-induced sickness. I will be true and loyal, and cherish you for all the days of our lives.
I take you as my wife to have and hold, love and cherish, to honor and mostly obey. I promise to make you number one in all of my life’s biggest decisions. While I don’t promise not to make you mad, I promise to apologize…when I think it’s my fault. I want nothing more than a long and happy life together. Do you?
I can’t imagine asking someone to marry me and have them take the entire thing so lightly as to use vows like that. Here are a few quotes about marriage that really are funny and insightful. Not fake funny like those stupid vows.
"Only one marriage I regret. I remember after I got that marriage license I went across from the license bureau to a bar for a drink. The bartender said, "What will you have, sir?" And I said, "A glass of hemlock." ~ Ernest Hemingway
"Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out." ~ Michel de Montaigne
"What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility." ~ Leo Tolstoy
"My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked." ~ Winston Churchill
"There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again." ~ Clint Eastwood
"I tended to place my wife under a pedestal." ~ Woody Allen
"Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet." ~ Mae West
I could write ten thousand more words on marriage, the traditions, and the ever increasing costs. But because it would push me into a major depression I refuse to do it. You can thank me later. I’ve been through the marriage ringer myself and after nineteen years we failed miserably. So maybe my comments and sarcasm are reflective of that awful experience. Even so, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s a risky proposition on it’s best day. To all of you heterosexuals and homosexuals I wish you the best. Those marriages that truly work are the best thing that can happen to two people in love with each other. If it doesn’t work it can also be the most traumatic nightmare ever and haunt you for years.
Good luck to you all. My best advice is to elope to Las Vegas. Save yourself a trip to bankruptcy court (no sarcasm in that statement).
It appears that Spring Is really here this time. The night time temperatures are rising and yesterday they made it into the mid-eighties for the first time. Maybe just maybe we can put the worries about frost and cold air behind us. We suffered a light frost two nights ago which was more than a little unusual for late May even here In Maine.
The garden’s been completed with all the plants in the ground and on their way to producing the things we require for next winter. The herb garden had some recent issues with space requirements due to an out of control apple mint plant that was determined to take over the entire area. It grew up and over an oregano plant that I’ve had for years and killed it. I was forced to attack that plant with a shovel and cut away close to sixty-five percent of it. I then surrounded it with a box that extends deep into the soil to stop it from spreading it’s runners in every direction. I replanted three new oregano plants nearby and hopefully they’ll grow healthy and keep us supplied through next winter. I need to be extra careful that I don’t harvest too much or I’ll be the idiot responsible for killing them.
Last year at the beginning of the season I planted two rhubarb plants. I knew it would be at least a year before I could harvest any of them for jams or jellies. The plants need to be firmly established before you can start chopping away at them. I think I’ve been successful because both plants are growing out of control already. Normally my neighbors, who also grow rhubarb plants, see theirs grow not much more than two feet high. Both of my plants are going strong and are already three and a half feet high and I can just about taste that strawberry-rhubarb jam we’ll be making later this Fall.
I can now sit on the deck and watch the garden grow for the next three months. I’ll be forced to kill some insects, slugs, and other assorted pests but that’s just normal gardening activities. My biggest fears are the deer that love to show up once the plants are a few inches tall and chew them off a ground level. This is the same battle my father fought for years and never was able to completely win.
Everyone I know has their own methods for dealing with deer but honestly they don’t have much more success than he did. I’ve been told to spread powdered blood around, hang human hair in panty hose from the trees, build a six foot high fence, and the best and most disgusting solution was for me to urinate around the garden whenever possible. As much as I like peeing outside, I think I’ll skip that one. It could very quickly make my neighbors a little uncomfortable.
My better-half has suggested we build a human size scarecrow in the hopes it will scare the deer away in those early hours of the morning when they usually visit. I think I’ll try and create one that looks as much like my ex-wife as possible. It should certainly scare the hell out of them just like it will scare the hell out of me. I guess I can deal with that kind of trauma if it keeps the freaking deer out of my garden. Man just thinking about that sends a cold chill up my back.
Thank God there aren’t many moose in this general vicinity. Even a scarecrow of my ex-wife wouldn’t scare those big bastards away. Life in Maine is always interesting.
everyuselessthing.com 