Archive for the ‘writing’ Category
If the title has confused you, let me explain. Malaprops are simply a wide variety of verbal miscues. I’m supplying you with a few samples that made me grin a little. These were taken from grade school, middle school, high school and college examinations. So much for higher education.
- Gutenberg invented the Bible.
- Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.
- Italics are what Italians write in.
- Protons are in both meat and electricity.
- Abraham Lincoln became Americas greatest Precedent.
- You purify water by filtering it and the forcing it through an aviator.
- Salmon swim upstream to spoon.
- Socrates died from taking a poison called wedlock.
- Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
- Never look a gift horse in the mouse.
- A leopard is a form of dotted lion.
- The police surrounded the building and threw an accordian around the block.
- Marriage to one wife is called monotony.
- The mountain range between France and Spain is the Pyramids.
- The government of England is a limited mockery.
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A special thanks (tongue-in-cheek) to all of the teachers who taught these exceptional students. Maybe they will all be saved embarrassment once the AI’s take over. LOL.
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AND ANOTHER SPECIAL THANKS TO STEVEN D. PRICE
In keeping with the theme of this blog “everyuselessthing”, I thought a short history lesson was in order to supply readers with a little known trivia tidbit about NASA and the first moon landing. In 1969 Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon as we all know but were you aware that William Safire, President Nixon’s speechwriter, gave the president a draft of a speech he might have to give if the moon mission failed. It is claimed that the president never saw it. Here is a copy of that speech.
Fate has ordained that the men who went to the moon to explore in peace will stay on the moon to rest in peace.
These brave men, Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin, know that is no hope for their recovery. But they also know that there is hope for mankind in their sacrifice.
These two men are laying down their lives in mankind’s most noble goal: the search for truth and understanding. They will be mourned by their family and friends; they will be mourned by their nation; they will be mourned by the people of the world; they will be mourned by a Mother Earth that dared send two of her sons into the unknown.
In their exploration they stirred the people of the world to feel as one; in their sacrifice, they bind more tightly the brotherhood of man.
In ancient days, men looked at stars and saw their heroes in the constellations. In modern times, we do much the same, but our heroes are epic men of flesh and blood.
Others will follow, and surely find their way home, Man’s search will not be denied. But these men were the first, and they remain the foremost in our hearts.
For every human being who looks up at the moon in the nights to come will know that there is some corner of another world that is forever mankind.
One final tidbit of irony. In 1999, on the 30th year anniversary of the moon landing, the three astronauts were shown this text for the first time by Tim Russert on Meet the Press.
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AND NOW YOU KNOW
I decided today would be a good day to introduce all of you to “limerick time-travel”. This collection of limericks were created prior to 1900 so the wording may sound a bit strange. It just goes to further show that human beings while separated by more than 100 years write their limericks about all the same stuff. He we go . . .
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1879
There was a young man of Berlin
Whom disease had despoiled of his skin,
But he said with much pride
“Though deprived of my hide,
I can still enjoy a put in.”
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1878
There was a young lady of Rheims
Who was terribly plagued with wet dreams.
She saved up a dozen,
And sent to her cousin ,
Who ate them and thought they were creams.
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1870
There was a young lady named Tucker
Who, instructing a novice c*ck sucker,
Said, “Don’t bow out your lips
Like an elephant’s hips,
The boys like it best when they pucker.
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And here’s a favorite from the year of my birth – 1946.
There was a young bounder named Link
Who possessed a very tart dink.
To sweeten it some
He steeped it in rum,
And now he’s driven the ladies to drink.
❤️❤️❤️
AAH, THE GOOD OLD DAYS
I try to be an avid reader of just about everything. I really enjoy reading poetry as well as being hooked on history. With today’s post I’ll try to mix those two interests. We’ll look back many years to the so-called sophisticated British Empire to find some of the most outrageous limericks and dirty jokes. It seems people are just people regardless of the time period they’re born into. The following piece of history (and I use the term loosely) will make some of you smile and some others cringe. The date of this little gem as best that can be determined was the year 1612. I’ll let you determine it’s value (if you can find any). Enjoy this piece from our sophisticated and disturbing ancestors titled “The Wooing Rogue”.
Come live with me and be my Whore
And we will beg from door to door,
Then under a hedge we’ll sit and delouse us.
Until the Beatle and come to rouse us.
And if they’ll give us no relief
Thou shalt turn Whore and I’ll turn Thief.
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If thou can’st rob them I can steal
And we’ll eat roast-meat at every meal:
Nay! We’ll eat White bread every day
And throw out mouldy Crusts away,
And twice a day we will be drunk
And then at Night I’ll kiss my punk.
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And when we both shall have the Pox,
We then shall want Shirts and Smocks
To shift each others mangy hide
Is with itch so pockified:
We’ll take some clean ones from a hedge
And leave our old ones for a Pledge.
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Isn’t that the most romantic love poem ever? I agree it wasn’t nearly as interesting as works by Emily Dickenson or Robert Frost but it grabbed my heart and soul tightly and rightly. I sure wish I could have lived back then just to met the unknown author and to shake his hand. (Only after it had been thoroughly washed, of course). (SATIRE OFF)
WHO DOESN’T LOVE THOSE OLD ROMANTIC BRITS
I collect odd and unusual books and it’s not often I get truly surprised but it finally happened. I stumbled upon a book titled Bizarre Books – A Compendium of Classical Oddities. It lists in great detail some of the weirdest book titles, subtitles, and authors names I’ve ever seen. Over the next few months I’ll pick out a topic and list some of the titles mentioned in this book that apply. To start I’ve chosen a topic that will spice things up a little, Sex & Marriage. As you will see the human obsession with sex is nothing new. Here we go . . .
- Seven Wives and Seven Prisons – The life of a Matrimonial Monomaniac – L.A. Abbott 1870
- Shipping Semen? How to have a Successful Experience – Pennie Ahmed 1998
- Sex + Sex = Gruppensex – Ruediger Bosschmann 1970
- Orgasmus and Super-Orgasmus – Stephenson Verlag 1972
- Castration: The Advantages and Disadvantages – Victor T. Cheney 2003
- How to Pickup Women in Discos – Don Diebel 1981
- Straight Talk About Surgical Penis Enlargement – Gary M. Griffin 1991
- The External Genitalia of Japanese Females – Kanji Kasai 1995
- In and Out and Up and Down – Jo L.G. McMahon 1922
- High-Performance Stiffened Structures – Bury St. Edmunds 2000
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MY FAV
A Kiss for a Blow – Henry Clark Wright – Undated
SPECIAL THANKS TO RUSSELL ASH & BRIAN LAKE
It’s no secret that I’m what most people would classify as an old man. While it’s true who better to challenge your trivia credentials than me. My early childhood, ages 4-7, consisted of me, my father, and mother sitting in our small little living room in the evening listening to the radio. At that time TV was fairly new and not readily available to most people and the radio was all we had. It introduced me to many shows like The Lone Ranger, Fibber McGee & Molly, Jack Benny, Red Skelton, and my all time favorite The Shadow. My father purchased our first TV in 1955 when I was about 8 years old. It was black/white and about the size of a small modern day microwave and it changed everyone’s life forever. I know most of you won’t understand just how much fun it was on those evenings with just my parents, me, and that stupid old radio. I still miss those quiet evening eating popcorn, drinking Kool-Aid and sitting on the floor next to the radio.
Enough of my reminiscing, let’s get back to today. This post will contain a few questions about the good old days of radio. I really don’t think many of you will score highly but it’s just good fun to introduce some of you to how our wonderful world of Media got it’s start. As always the answers will be listed below. Have fun with it.
- What character introduced the stories on Death Valley Days?
- Who played The Great Gildersleeve?
- Name two actors who made the Life With Luigi transition from radio to TV?
- Who created The Lone Ranger?
- Where did Ones Man’s Family live?
- What character did Gale Gorden play on Our Miss Brooks?
- Who played the title roles of Fibber McGee & Molly?
- What were Molly Goldberg’s two kids’ names?
- What did Ozzie Nelson do for a living on his show?
- One of the earliest quiz shows on radio became TV’s first. Can you recall the name?
BONUS QUESTION
Who was the wealthy man-about-town with the hypnotic ability to “cloud men’s minds” to fight crime, famously introduced by the phrase, “Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows!”
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Answers
The Old Ranger, Willard Waterman, J. Carol Naish & Alan Reed, Fran Striker & George W. Trendle, San Francisco, Osgood Conklin, Bob Sweeney & Cathy Lewis, Rosalie & Sammy, For the most part, nothing, Uncle Jim’s Question Bee, BONUS – Lamont Cranston.
Now that my never-ending retro trivia posts have been completed, it’s time to return to my first love those funny and bawdy LIMERICKS. As I’ve always said, I love limericks and I also love history. I’ve decided today to combine the two with a few limericks made famous during the World War II era. I assume some of these may have been written by a few GI’s but I can’t be sure. I find it refreshing that even during the worst war we’ve ever experienced, a sense of humor was still maintained. Some of these might be considered a little much for younger children. Be warned!
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O Soldiers come back to us clean!
Wear rubbers – you know what I mean.
Thou I’d very much ruther
You’d bugger each other
Than any French whore that I’ve seen.
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A lady of doubtful nativity,
Had an ass of extreme sensitivity.
She could sit on the lap
Of a Nazi or Jap
And detect Fifth Column activity.
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A slant-eyed young girl from Peking
Said of the Rape of Nanking,
“Every Jap in North China
Has explored my vagina,
It’s so sore I can’t pee through the thing.”
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In the Army and Navy the toast is
To the talented USO hostess
Who was diddled and screwed
While she tried to conclude
Which service she really liked mostest.
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🪖WAR TIME SENSE OF HUMOR🪖
Here’s the fifth and last installment of the retro trivia series. I hope you’ve had as much fun with them as I had putting them together. The answers will be listed below. See how you do.
- What craze included terms like “handglide” and backslide”?
- Whose visit to South Korea in May, 1984, promoted the tightest security in that nations history?
- What brand of sweetener did G.D. Searle & Company put on the market in 1983?
- The U.S. mining of what nation’s harbors caused a congressional uproar in April, 1984?
- What was the name of Jesse Jackson’s hoped for coalition?
- What was the bug that caused havoc in California?
- Who was shot and killed at the airport in Manila in 1983?
- What group in 1981 was compensated $5,000.00 per person for their unusual stint overseas?
- Seven people died after popping these cyanide-spiked pills?
- In what nation did a Soviet submarine find itself beached in 1981?
BONUS QUESTION
What celebrated figures were married in St. Paul’s Cathedral?
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Answers
Breakdancing, Pope John Paul II, NutraSweet, Nicaragua, The Rainbow Coalition, Mediterranean Fruit Fly, Benigno Aguino, The Iranian Hostages, Extra Strength Tylenol, Sweden, BONUS-Prince Charles & Lady Diana Spencer,
TA! DA!
Here is the fourth installment of retro trivia from the decade of the 1970’s. These questions should be a little easier than the last three decades. As always the answers are listed below.
- Who was court-martialed in 1971 for atrocities committed in Southeast Asia?
- What became the capital of the reunited North and South Vietnam?
- What was the name of the Russian spacecraft that linked with an Apollo module in 1975?
- In 1974 what building became the tallest in the world?
- What woman won the Nobel Prize in 1979?
- What nation tried “The Gang of Four”?
- Name the senator that presided over the Watergate hearings?
- Where was the Queen Elizabeth when it caught fire and sank in 1972?
- Who was the first native American to be canonized by the Catholic church?
- Name the war hero who quit the Israeli cabinet in 1979?
BONUS QUESTION
What caused Iceland and England to sever diplomatic relations in 1976?
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Answers
Lt. William Calley, Hanoi, Soyuz, The Sears Tower, Mother Teresa, China, Sam Ervin, Hong Kong, Mother Seton, Moshe Dayan, BONUS-Cod Fishing Rights
COMING NEXT-1980’S
The 60’s were an interesting and drug filled decade. I lived through it and thoroughly enjoyed almost all of it, How much do you know or remember? Put on your bell bottoms and crappy sandals, drop some acid, and go for a walk on the street to chat with strangers. I dare you!
Lets step back into the 1960’s. As always the answers are listed below.
- What was the name of the “doorway” between the divided Berlins?
- In what city was the 1968 Democratic Convention held?
- Name of the Rockefeller that never returned from New Guinea?
- Who were the first astronauts to fly the two-occupant Gemini capsule?
- What was the first Apollo mission to carry a color TV camera to the moon?
- In what European city was Martin Luther King Jr.’s assassin apprehended?
- In what area of the Dallas policed station was Lee Harvey Oswald shot by Jack Ruby?
- What popular tranquilizer was introduced in 1963?
- In 1968 which nation became the fifth to have “the bomb”?
- How was the Nazi war criminal Adolph Eichmann put to death?
BONUS QUESTION
What two nations combined to form Tanzania?
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Answers
Checkpoint Charlie, Chicago, Michael, Gus Grissom & John Young, Apollo XII, London, The Garage, Valium, France, He was Hanged, BONUS-Tanganyika & Zanzibar
NEXT UP – THE 1970’S
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