As is painfully obvious from many of my earlier posts I’m not a huge fan of attorneys. I wouldn’t broad-brush all of them because I know many that do their jobs well. Unfortunately they’re in the minority since we as a nation have become over-run with a ridiculous number of lawyers. They’ve spent decades slowly and deliberately turning the United States from a common sense way of thinking country to our current levels of lawsuit paranoia. The fact that ninety percent of judges are either former politicians or attorneys easily explains our country’s litigious difficulties.
They’ve managed to weasel their way into every facet of our lives. Suing one and all with a landslide of frivolous lawsuits that have clogged up our court system for years to come. Here are just a few examples.
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A convicted bank robber on parole entered a bank, went up to the teller, and said, "Give me the money. I’ve got a bomb." The bank teller did as instructed, except that hidden in the rolls of money turned over to the robber was an anti-robbery device that released tear gas. The device functioned as intended .. and the robber sued the bank.
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Sometimes, being frugal can cost you more than anticipated. While apparently trying to steal a soft drink from a vending machine in 1998, 19-year-old Kevin Mackle was rocking it dangerously. Suddenly, the weight shift was too hot to handle and the contraption fell on him. The man died following the accident. His relatives sued Coca-Cola Co., two other companies, and Bishop’s University in Lennoxville, Quebec (for about $660,000 US in damages and funeral costs) alleging that the machine was not secured and bore no warning signs.
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A minister and his wife sued a guide-dog school for $160,000 after a blind man learning to use a seeing-eye dog stepped on the woman’s toe. She sought $80,000 for medical bills, pain & suffering, humiliation and disability. Her husband sought the same amount for loss of his wife’s care, comfort and consortium.
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A 27-year-old man from Michigan was involved in a rear-end collision. Four years later, he sued the owners of the truck that was responsible for the accident. Having suffered minor injuries, he stated that from then on, his sexual relationship with his wife deteriorated, as he was unable to maintain their sex life. He claimed that he had been so affected by the crash that his personality had been forever changed. In fact, he maintained that the accident turned him into a homosexual. He left his wife, moved in with his parents, began hanging out in gay bars, and became a fervent reader of gay literature. He won his case and was awarded $200,000, while his wife received $25,000.
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A woman went to her friend’s house and asked for a haircut. Unhappy with her new look, she claimed her friend had willfully, intentionally and maliciously cut her hair without her consent … and sued him for $75,000.
I could continue with hundreds more of these useless and costly lawsuits but what’s the point. In the majority of these cases the attorney is paid a large percentage of the money won. It’s called taking a case on contingency. The same strategy used for those individuals suing the government for disability benefits for a variety of addictions, both drug and alcohol related. These attorney believe if you throw enough crap against a wall, some of it is bound to stick. Free money . . . . Yeah!
These so called attorneys-at-law have also forced companies to over label our everyday products due to fear of lawsuits. I actually saw an aluminum step ladder for sale in a nearby Home Center that had a sticker on the top step. Of course it stated an important and secret fact that we weren’t aware of: This is the Last Step – Don’t Stand Here. The “Nanny State” strikes again. Not only is the advice on many of these labels utterly obvious, many are just plain stupid. Here are a few of those.
- On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
- On a package of peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
- On a child’s Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
- On Sears Hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
- On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like other soap.
- On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
- On frozen food package:
Product will be hot after heating.
- On packaging of an iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
- On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
We’ve allowed this to go on for so long it’s now become the norm. We have only ourselves to blame when we’ve allowed the pursuit of possible free money to completely corrupt our judicial system. It was never meant to a be a gravy-train for those less than scrupulous attorneys who finally got tired of chasing ambulances.
Not being a huge football or sports fan has distinct advantages for me. I can ridicule any team at any time for any reason and I do as often as I can. It’s difficult because so many people admire, desire, and worship these football heroes (I use the term loosely) that they’ll attack anyone who isn’t awed by the mere sight of them. My hero worshiping days were short lived after all of the scandals: cheating, lying, steroid use, and criminal activities. No more sports heroes for me thank you very much. I’ll stick to the real heroes, our servicemen and women who sacrifice so these hulks can make millions of dollars and be praised by the masses.
Here are a few notable quotes, past and present, by some of those sports heroes. Thank God all of their colleges found a way to help them graduate.
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Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can’t really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to."
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season…"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." – Joe Theismann
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for four years, not Princeton."
Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: "I’ve won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: "We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play."
Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet."
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’ "
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What more needs to be said? The more they insist on standing up and talking to the media the more material I’ll have for postings like this. Keep close tabs on your sports programs for those pregame, half-time, and post game interviews. They’re almost as entertaining as the games.
Since today is Sunday and a day of rest for many of you, I thought a few miscellaneous items and a little humor might be the thing to do. It’s a late Summer’s day on a holiday weekend that begins to prepare us for what’s coming, SNOW.
My better-half and I are looking forward to the upcoming Fryeburg Fair which we attend every year. It’s a huge gathering of every farmer and their livestock from across the country. This year will be the first visit for her new grandson and she can’t wait to drag his little butt there to look at the pigs. As I’ve mentioned previously my better-half has something of a pig fetish. We’ll spend between eight and ten hours eating terribly unhealthy food, walking miles and miles through huge crowds, and attending the Pig Scramble and Woodsman contests. I know it sounds a little lame but it really isn’t. It’s one of the few things we both enjoy a great deal.
We’re also looking forward to taking hundreds of photographs of the Fall season whose beauty never ceases to amaze. Actually Fall has slowly over the years become my favorite time of the year. We’ll have the harvest season, Fall foliage, and many small local fairs to visit on most weekends. You can say what you want but small local fairs are the best. It will again be a great time for our family and friends.
My first item today is a joke I stumbled on recently. It is laugh-out-loud funny and I hope you enjoy it.
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In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe’ s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly .
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
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I would also like to take a few minutes to thank these new followers to this blog. I include their links as well and I hope you give their blogs a look-see and enjoy reading them as much as I do. Thanks to them all.
Eric Carlson, Karen Ellis, dmmd1983, L-Jay Health, What Happens to Us, mr688475, growupproper, mychangeviews, Nate Ollie, adoptingjames, Rein, jasminekeclipse, projectlighttolife, Gabriel Lucatero.
HAVE A GREAT LABOR DAY WEEKEND
Have you ever just been standing around people watching and wondering about things? I have. Do certain things you see and hear make you wonder what the hell is going on? I thought it only right that I look into some of these matter because they bother the hell out of me.
Take a moment and come up with a few of your own. They are every where it seems and no one has any answers as to why.
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Why is it that women show up at Walmart in a pink sweat-suit that’s two sizes too small with “Hot & Juicy” stitched across the butt?
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Why does the sun lightens our hair, but darken our skin?
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Why can’t women put on mascara without opening their mouths?
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Why are they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
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If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of Progress?
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Why must you click on "Start" to stop Windows 7?
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Why is it that lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
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Why haven’t we ever seen the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
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Why does a fiftyish man have a comb over more than 5 inches long and things no one notices?
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Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
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What possesses a person to paint his house pink?
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Why do doctors call what they do "practice"?
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Why aren’t planes made from the same material used for the indestructible black boxes ?
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Why did they ever decide to name the airport "The Terminal"?
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What thought process occurs to cause an beautiful and intelligent young lady to streak her hair red and pierce her nose in three different places?
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Why isn’t there a mouse-flavored cat food and what person tastes dog food when it has a "New & Improved" flavor?
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Why do they bother to sterilize the needles used for lethal injections?
Who can answer these questions? I need some answers and I need them now? How can I be convinced that your basic average human being is intelligent and right-thinking when I see hundreds of these types of things every week. It just doesn’t fill me with much confidence that the human race can survive itself. It’s just more than a little scary.
CLASS IS NOW IN SESSION
It’s time for two more lessons from those super dedicated and intelligent teachers from Every Useless Thing University. The source of endless supplies of knowledge mostly forgotten by the every-day citizen. Take detailed notes because our tests are tough and the failure rate has been climbing in recent years.
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Lesson #9 – What is Snot and Why is it Sometimes Green?
Snot is a slang term for mucus, a thin and slippery material comprising musins and inorganic salts suspended in water that’s produced by the mucous membranes inside the nose. It serves to moisten and protect the nose and throat while also trapping inhaled foreign matter, keeping it in the nose and thus preventing dangerous particles and germs from reaching the lungs, where they could cause damage. Mucus surrounds any foreign matter that is trapped and dries around it, producing a hardened piece of snot.
Mucus production is normal and healthy, but increased production in the respiratory tract is often a sign of a disease, such as the common cold.
When snot appears green or yellow, this is usually because the body has a bacterial infection, causing it to produce thick mucus containing pus excreted by the bacteria. When the body’s immune system detects the infection, it produces an enzyme called myeloperoxidase, which kills the bacteria in the mucus and expels it through the nose.
The nose produces almost a cupful of snot every day.
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Lesson #10 – Does Penis Size Vary by Race?
The penis sizes of men are frequently discussed and joked about. A large penis is coveted by many, considered a symbol of masculinity and thought to be an attractive quality to women. The size of a man’s penis is influenced by a number of factors, such as cold temperatures, which generally reduce the size of the flaccid penis to a lack of blood flow causing it to shrink.
One study found that the average length of the stretched, flaccid penis was 5.2 inches for White men, 5.7 inches Black men, and 4.2 inches for Asian men. Another study, meanwhile, found the average length of the unstretched, flaccid penis is 4 inches for White men and 4.3 for Black men. Black men’s penises were also found to be longer when erect, but only by 1 inch, while their circumferences were found to be in average 0.1 inch larger.
On the basis of these studies it is evident that the average black man’s penis is larger than the average white man’s which is in turn is larger than the average Asian man’s. Corroborating the latter part of this conclusion is a further finding that American condoms are 7.1 inches long, whereas Japanese condoms are 6.3 inches long. For this reason, at one time travel-guides recommended that male travelers should take their own condoms when visiting Asia.
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What have we learned today? First, snotty noses serve a useful purpose but wiping them is still mandatory so as not to gross out others.
Second, for you female students who overly concern themselves with penis size, the information contained in Lesson #10 should be helpful. You should always remember this important and useful adage to further assist you when choosing a possible boyfriend or mate, “It’s not the size of the club but how it’s wielded.”
CLASS DISMISSED
Football Season is fast approaching and for those of you who are fanatical, you’re probably already in a serious state of FAN (Football Arousal Narcosis). You find yourself sexually aroused by wide screen HD televisions, satellite NFL packages, and the occasional busty cheerleaders. I must warn you that you’re playing with fire. Sometime in January when the end of the season is approaching and the withdrawal starts setting in you may find yourself becoming sexually attracted to Terry Bradshaw. If that happens proceed directly to rehab, do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollars.
I’m not a sports fanatic in any way, shape, or form. The only sports I watch religiously are as many games of the Little League World Series as I can. Those games seem more real and genuine to me than watching a bunch of grown men spending more than three hours to play nine innings of baseball for a few million dollars a year and all the steroid and drug enhancements they can consume. This time of the year is when the pregame and postgame analysis programs kidnap prime time TV and fill the airways with an ungodly number of continuous sports metaphors and clichés. It makes me just a little crazy.
Unfortunately those metaphors have slowly and insidiously made their way into our daily language. If you didn’t already know that, WAKE UP. We have "ballpark figures", "drop back and punt", and "going the whole nine yards". It’s also a sprint, a boxing match, even a demolition derby. It has leaders and trailers, boasts knockout punches, and will go down to the wire, the buzzer, or the final whistle.” Check these out:
“I was blind-sided by all the talk about the mortgage and someone else bought the house before me.”
“Critics of President Obama used bump and run tactics to impede the implementation of a Republican directive.”
“When Tom retired Larry carried the ball for the next 9 months and the project was completed.”
“If we get the new machinery, we will be dancing in the zone in September.”
‘”Paul fumbled the sale when he failed to return the client’s call.”
“The Democrats game plan totally revolved around the promise of jobs.”
“The lawyers decided to settle after a brief huddle.”
“After John’s failure to win the building contract, his colleagues only made things worse with their Monday morning quarterbacking.
“President Obama caves in over and over again. He punts on first down.”
These examples are just the tip of the iceberg. As we progress through the season begin listening carefully to the everyday newscasters, pundits, and anyone else speaking to you from your television screen. You’ll be absolutely amazed.
AND FOR MY LATER FATHER’S BENEFIT – GO STEELERS!
For as long as I can remember the “Battle of the Sexes” has raged on and on and on and on. After living through the bra burning years and ERA I thought it might finally ease up a little but once again I was wrong. With women’s salaries edging upward and their elevated management positions becoming the norm rather than the exception I’d hoped for the best. I was wrong again. Are you sensing a pattern here? No matter what I do in any association with any woman, I’m immediately wrong (whether I am or not) strictly because I’m a man.
My interactions with women both in the workplace and my personal life have resulted in my hearing the same old complaints and worn out clichés. “You men are all alike.” “It’s just like a man to do something like that.” “I can’t break through that glass ceiling because men discriminate against me.” “Men are unfair.” Are you seeing a particular pattern here too? Good, I hope you are.
The point I’m trying to make is that women have made a great deal of progress over the years but just can’t seem to acknowledge it. They want more! If they ruled the planet entirely they’d be upset that they aren’t ruling the entire universe and all those bad aliens out there are discriminating against them.
To further make my point I submit the following excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This article was written for male supervisors of women in the workforce during World War II. Read on ladies and see what having a double standard is really all about.
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Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees
There’s no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties:
1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they’re less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn’t be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.
2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It’s always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls – those who are just a little on the heavy side – are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.
4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination – one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.
5. Stress at the outset the importance of time; the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.
6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they’ll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.
7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.
8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.
9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can’t shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman – it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.
10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl’s husband or father may swear vociferously, she’ll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.
11. Get enough size variety in operator’s uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can’t be stressed too much in keeping women happy.
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No ambitious person should ever just settle. Working hard and getting the job done still works whether your male or female. I think it’s time to drop the blame game against all men and get back to work. Just saying.
It feels like a good day for a journal entry. As the summer winds down my better-half and I have been very busy with the garden and the canning of everything possible. Even though the weather’s been a little strange at times this summer overall it’s still been very productive.
I’ve been forced to work very hard this week due to the subpar garden fabric I purchased at Home Depot earlier his year. Because of the failure of the fabric to eliminate the ever present weeds I’m now faced with several days of back breaking work to clean up weeds and begin to remove plants that have run their course. I worked on my hands and knees for three hours removing weeds and pieces of surviving fabric and being ever so careful not to damage the hot pepper plants that are still producing. I have a small trailer for my lawn tractor and I filled it twice with weeds in almost no time.
The Cayenne, Serrano, and bell peppers are still going strong and should continue for a few more weeks. The cold nights aren’t helping but what can I do? I’ve removed fifty percent of the cucumber plants because we are becoming overwhelmed with them. I canned more than forty pints of hot Bread & Butter pickles and could have done at least that many more. Truthfully I ‘m just tired of looking at them. I found myself dreaming about pickles a couple of recent nights which was a little disturbing to say the least. I’ve taken three handful of rhubarb seeds and planted an area behind the house with them. If we’re lucky next spring might bring us an entire new patch of rhubarb. The plants from last year have done well and next summer we’ll be making some killer strawberry-rhubarb jam.
I’m really tired of this weeding. I’ll need to check with a nearby friend for advice on what fabric to buy for next year. I don’t plan on ever doing this again even if it cost me a few additional dollars.
We’ve successfully filled the larder with pickles, relishes, herb flavored vinegars, vegetable mixes (for stir-fry’s), spicy pasta sauce, salsa (2 large batches), and three batches of jams. We spent one recent day at our favorite blackberry patch and within a half hour collected close to three quarts of blackberries. The triple-berry jam recipe is to die for and we’ll now have more than enough for the winter and as gifts for friends. I might even consider a small batch of black berry wine if we have enough berries.
All in all a very successful summer. We’ve now started winding down in preparation for winter and it already feels like Fall and it’s still only August. I’m planning on rebuilding a portion of the garden and changing things around a little. Then it’s soil preparation, fertilizing, and waiting for the snow to fly.
I’d like to chat further but I’ve got more work to do before my better-half gets home from work.
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Just as an afterthought here’s a little something I just received from my sister. It made me laugh out loud and that’s always a good thing. Enjoy.
HOW IS NORMA?
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing ?"
The operator said,
"I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient ?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied,
"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied,
"You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter ?"
The grandmother said,
"No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."
I spend a lot of my time watching and listening to people. It’s my most favorite of activities to be sure. I’ve recently began to see unusual patterns occurring in others which trouble me a great deal. It seems we as a people are loosing the ability to insult others with tact or sarcasm. I know, I was as stunned as you are. What is this country coming to if we lose that important ability. That’s one of the losses we suffer from too much political correctness.
"Your mother wears combat boots." was a good way for me to get my ass kicked in grade school. It was almost as bad as "Your mother dresses you funny." or "If my dog looked like your mother, I’d shave his ass and make him walk backward." Mother insults were always a good way to insult someone and be absolutely sure to get the proper reaction.
These days you can’t even call someone a liar, you must say “he’s diligently avoiding the truth”. That’s pussy talk in my opinion. Give me the good old days when someone wasn’t "educationally challenged" he was a moron or a dumb ass. It is said that the WW II generation was the greatest and I completely agree. They knew how to deliver an good insult that was polite, sarcastic, and devastating. No pussy talk for those guys or gals. Here are some classic insults by famous people of that era. Enjoy.
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“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
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“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow
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“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
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“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
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“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
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“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
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“Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.” – Winston Churchill’s response to George Bernard Shaw
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“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
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“Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!” – Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
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“Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!” – Winston Churchill’s response to Lady Astor
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"There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure." – Jack E. Leonard
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"He has Van Gogh’s ear for music." – Billy Wilder
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
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"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." – Winston Churchill
Three of my all time favorites, Mae West, Mark Twain, and Winston Churchill. They just don’t make them like that anymore and it’s a damn shame (In my humble opinion).
Before I start to write this posting I’m required to put on my cowboy hat, my boots, and my big ugly belt buckle. Don’t misunderstand me, I am not a Country & Western fan in any sense of the word. Unfortunately my born and bred Texan better-half has been a life long fan of the genre. She roams from room to room through the house every day, turning on multiple radios to blare that good old down home music every effing minute. It keeps me out of the house doing fifty percent more yard work than I would normally do. Maybe that’s her sneaky Texas way of making me work harder. If I’ve learned nothing from our years together I have learned to keep a close watch on her, Texans are sneaky!
I had a wonderful day off today because my crazy better-half and her even crazier daughter are off on another adventure. They left early today to attend the Country-fest Concert at Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, Massachusetts. I’m sure they were cheering all the way to Mass but what they didn’t know was just how loud I was cheering to see them go. An entire day without listening to music that makes me cringe. I worked in the yard for a good part of the day with my IPod blasting a wide variety of Blues, Rock, and NO C&W.
I was receiving text messages and photos for most of the day telling me just what I was missing. I was missing endless traffic, Country music fans by the thousands, and an endless number of drunken bums wearing their boots and cowboy hats. I’ll just bet that ninety percent of those crazies have never been on a ranch or had a close and personal conversation with a horse. A whole lot of wannabes trying to impress a few young ladies with their swagger and y’all’s.
I had a great day until eleven pm when I was awakened from my blissful sleep by two tipsy cowgirls making their way home from Boston. My better-half was so horse I could barely understand her and all of the laughing and screaming in the background didn’t help either. She called to let me know when she’d be arriving and that she was going to "wake my ass up" whether I liked it or not. I mildly threatened to end her life, said goodnight, and went back to sleep. She arrived home in the wee hours, fell into bed, and barely woke me at all.
Waking up this morning I opened one eye to see if she was prowling around. Next to me under a huge pile of blankets and pillows I found what was left of my better-half. She was snoring like a truck driver, smelled like beer, and was dreaming about Kenny Chesney I’ll bet. Ya, I know at least one cowboy crooner’s name. Please don’t hold that against me, my survival instinct requires I know enough Country names and trivia to keep her happy.
Yee haw y’all !
everyuselessthing.com 