06/22/2022 😵Not Living😵   2 comments

“Death is the wish of some, the relief of many, and the end of all”

Lucius Annaeus Seneca

I’ve come to the conclusion over the last few years after talking to a lot of my former and late friends, that after you’re labelled a Senior Citizen at age 50, you begin to think more about death than before. That’s a pretty depressing thought but in most cases I think it’s true. Today’s posting concerns death from a number of different angles and in my opinion, it makes for an interesting and depressing read.

  • You are 14% more likely to die on your birthday, compared to any other day of the year.
  • On average, more than 135,000 people will die on your next birthday and 360,000 will be born.
  • Wednesday by far is the most popular day to commit suicide.
  • More people die in New York City from suicide each year than from murder.
  • San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge is the most popular “suicide bridge” in the United States.
  • There are approximately 150 people killed each year from being struck on the head by a coconut.
  • Mosquitoes, human beings, and snakes are the three most deadly animals in the world in that order.
  • Each year more people are killed by hippopotamuses than by lions, sharks, and elephants combined.
THE BLACK DEATH
  • The Black Death is history’s most deadly verifiable plague. It swept through Europe and Asia Minor in the 1340’s and 50’s, killing an estimated 25 to 60 percent of Europe’s population.
THE SPANISH FLU
  • The Spanish Flu was a very virulent strain of influenza that spread through Asia, Europe, and North America in the spring of 1918. Healthy adults were especially hard hit. The global death toll is estimated between 25-100 million.

That should be enough depression for today. The Covid-19 pandemic is frightening but the numbers from the Black Death and Spanish Flu are even scarier. Glad I wasn’t around for either of them.

“No one here gets out alive”

Jim Morrison

06/21/2022 What . . . Huh?   Leave a comment

I love sharing quotations with you and I have more of them than I have limericks. I know that’s hard to believe but it’s true. Most quotations are meant to offer up some sort of truth or to pluck at our sentimental heartstrings. Those are all fine and good but really not the ones I like best. I love celebrity quotes because most of them are humorous, and they help to humanize celebrities that always need a little humanizing. Here are a few I discovered.

  • “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” Thomas A. Edison
  • “Music should strike fire from the heart of man and bring tears from the eyes of woman.” Ludvig von Beethoven
  • “Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.” Ogden Nash
  • “If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian.” Sir Paul McCartney
  • “I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.” Fran Leibowitz
  • “There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you’re busy interrupting.” Mark Twain
  • “True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.” Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

LET’S HOPE THEY NEVER STOP REGALING US WITH THEIR WISDOM

06/20/2022 “Retro Limericks”   Leave a comment

A few months ago, while I was surfing on eBay, I purchased a number of books on a whim. In one of those books, I discovered it was a library book from the North Side School Library in Rogers, Arkansas dated 1965. The book contains limericks written by quite a variety of people, some well-known some not so much. They’re funny and cute and dated. I hope they bring a smile to your face as you read them. Here we go . . .

Edward Lear

There was an old man in a tree,

Who was horribly bored by a bee.

When they said, “Does it buzz?”

He replied, “Yes, it does!

It’s a regular brute of a bee.”

😁😁😁

Ogden Nash

There was an old man of Calcutta,

Who coated his tonsils with butta,

Thus, converting his snore

From a thunderous roar

To a soft, only oleaginous mutta.

😛😛😛

Lewis Carroll

His sister named Lucy O’Finner,

Grew constantly thinner and thinner,

The reason was plain,

She slept out in the rain,

And was never allowed any dinner.

😉😉😉

Rudyard Kipling

There once was a small boy in Québec

Stood buried in snow to his neck.

When asked: “Are you friz?”

He said: “Yes I is,

But we don’t call this cold in Québec.”

😋😋😋

Carolyn Wells

A canner, exceedingly canny,

One morning he remarked to his granny,

“A canner can can

Anything that he can,

But a canner can’t can a can, can he?”

As you can see, some of these people were famous but that was 57 years ago. The limericks were mostly written in the late 1950’s and early 1960’s.

HAVE A GREAT DAY

06/19/2022 “Malaprops”   1 comment

I’m sure some of you know the definition of a malaprop. If not, here it is. A malaprop is the mistaken use of a word in place of a similar sounding one, often with unintentional amusing effect. I really didn’t know the definition or the word myself but while posting yesterday I noticed two entries that amused me. After digging around in my books I discovered the term malaprop and a number of examples I thought you might find interesting and hopefully amusing. Here they are . . .

  • Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.
  • Although the patient had never been fatally ill before, he woke up dead.
  • William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
  • The book was so exciting I couldn’t finish it until I put it down.
  • The difference between a king and a president is that king is the son of his father and a president isn’t.
  • The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
  • The Magna Carta provided that no freemen should be hanged twice for the same offense.
  • Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
  • The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. Your head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.
  • He saw three other people in the restaurant, and half of those were waiters.

Now you know what malaprops are. As I read them, I realized that I’ve seen samples of them many times before but never heard anyone use the term. I’m ambivalent about knowing it now and I’m almost sorry I made you aware of it. I may revisit this subject in the future or maybe not.

HAPPY MONDAY

06/18/2022 “Classified Ads”   Leave a comment

I thought I’d regale you with more of that useless information I continue to collect. Since everyone seems to be so fascinated by Craigs List ads and personal ads on those numerous dating sights, I thought today would be a good day for me to jump into that end of the pool. Here is a collection of classified ads that are strange, odd, misprinted, and really funny. Would you be the person to respond to ads like this? I’ll bet you would.

  • “Wanted: Man, to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.”
  • “Our experienced mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.”
  • “Wanted: Widower with school-aged children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to the growth of the family.”
  • “One man, seven-woman hot tub – $850/Offer.”
  • “Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.”
  • Free: One can of pork & beans with the purchase of a three bedroom, two bath home.”
  • “Full-sized mattress: 20-year warranty, like new, slight urine smell.”
  • “Nice parachute – never opened – used only once – slightly stained.”
  • Found: Dirty white dog . . . looks like a rat . . . been out a while . . . better be a reward.”
  • For sale: An antique desk suitable for a lady with thick legs and large drawers.”

It seems to me after reading all of these ads they’re no worse than those approved and published by numerous stupid newspaper editors across the country.

ONLY THEIR SPELLCHECKER SEEMS TO WORK

06/17/2022 “Forgettable Quotations”   Leave a comment

If you’ve read this blog at all your well aware that I love citing quotations. I’m a firm believer that quotes that are remembered and repeated often have some sort of meaning that touches people. Unfortunately, some quotable people offer up quotes that are remembered for their stupidity and ignorance. Today I will cite a few that I’d prefer to forget, and I hope you will as well.

  • “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean, I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” Mariah Carey
  • “We went to Atari and said, “Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us?” They said, “No.” So, then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, “We don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.” Steve Jobs looking for financial backers for the Mac.
  • “Atomic energy might be as good as our present-day explosives, but it is unlikely to produce anything very much more dangerous.” Sir Winston Churchill
  • “The Edison Company offered me the general superintendency of the company but only on condition that I would give up my gas engine and devote myself to something really useful.” Henry Ford
  • “True, I’ve been a long time making up my mind, but now I’m giving you a definite answer. I won’t say yes, and I won’t say no, but I’m giving you a definite maybe.” Samuel Goldwyn
  • “Rock ‘n Roll is phony and false, and some, written, and played for the most part by cretinous goons.” Frank Sinatra 1957
  • “I believe that Mink are raised for being turned into fur coats and if we didn’t wear fur coats, those little animals would never have been born. So, is it better not to have been born, or to have lived for one or two years to have been turned into a fur coat? I don’t know.” Playmate Barbie Benton

I think that’s about enough of these stupid quotes but unfortunately during my research I discovered there’s probably many more of these than the one’s worth remembering.

HAVE A PLEASANT UNQUOTABLE WEEKEND

06/16/2022 🥸Retro Trivia🥸   Leave a comment

Everyone seems to love old TV shows, old movies, and any and all celebrities. Here’s a collection of film and TV trivia items from the past. Enjoy them if you can. Call an older family member or friend for help if necessary.

  • The waist size of bus driver Ralph Kramden’s uniform on the hit show, The Honeymooners, was 49 1/4 inches.
  • Do you remember that the TV characters, Desi Arnaz and Lucille Ball, were married on the show at the Byram River Beagle Club in Greenwich, Connecticut?
  • During his 30-year run as the host of the Tonight Show, Johnny Carson delivered 4531 monologues.
  • The Clampett family from the Beverly Hillbillies TV show originated from a home in the Ozarks called Hooterville. It also served as the setting for two spinoff series, Petticoat Junction and Green Acres.
  • Bob Clampett who created the Bugs Bunny cartoon character was inspired when he saw an actor munching a carrot in a movie. That actor was Clark Gable.
  • Groucho Marx’s real first name was Julius.
  • The 14th screen Tarzan, former LA Rams linebacker Mike Henry, sued for physical and mental injury following his third and final film when he was bitten by Dinky the Chimp.
  • Lucille Ball became an official redhead at age 30, after 12 years as a platinum blonde and 18 as a natural brunette.
  • The 1955 movie, King Kong with Fay Wray, was the first Hollywood film shown on television after the US movie industry ended its ban.
  • One of our favorite actresses, Farrah Fawcett, had a plumbing fixture named after her. It was a gold plated “Farrah Faucet”.

HOWDY FOLKS

06/15/2022 🥴More Dumb Asses🥴   Leave a comment

I love reading stories about criminals being apprehended after being as stupid as we know they can be. For years I spent time reading the endless stories from the Darwin Awards about stupid ways to die. That got a little boring after a while, so I’ve now graduated to reading about stupid criminals. And it’s a special treat to read about them being a former police officer. So enough of this jibber-jabber, on to the idiots.

IDIOT #1

  • A “tourist,” supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn’t know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did – backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

IDIOT #2

  • A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court with a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

IDIOT #3

  • A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move!” When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

IDIOT #4

  • The Belgium news agency Belga reported that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn’t have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.

YOU REALLY CAN’T FIX THIS KIND OF STUPID

06/14/2022 🥴Silly Limerick Alert🥴   Leave a comment

In the past few weeks, I’ve posted limericks written by children, limericks written for children, and a selection of bawdy and crude limericks for the adults. Today I’m posting limericks that are just silly, cute and funny. Readable by all, kids and grownups alike. Enjoy!

There was a young lady of Kent

Whose nose was most awfully bent.

One day, I suppose,

She followed her nose,

For no one knew which way she went.

🤪🤪🤪

A tutor who tooted the flute

Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.

Said the two to the tutor,

“Is it harder to toot or

To tutor two tooters to toot?”

😎😎😎

A cannibal living in France

Ate an uncle and two of his aunts,

A cow and her calf,

An ox and a half,

And now he can’t button his pants.

😜😜😜

A careless zookeeper named Blake

Fell into a tropical lake.

Said a fat alligator

A few minutes later,

“Not bad, but I still prefer steak.”

HAVE A SILLY WEEK

06/13/2022 “Cats”   Leave a comment

Since I had a lot to say about dogs yesterday, it seems only right that I report a few things, both good and bad about cats. Here are a few . . .

  • 7000 years ago, some of the first settlers in ancient Egypt were farmers, growing grain along the banks of the Nile. Their fields were overrun with about a zillion mice and ravenous rats. The farmers helped the cats develop a taste for those little rodents and one good cat could clear a field of vermin in an evening. They became such a part of the Egyptian lifestyle that in later years they were actually worshiped.
  • Bastet was an Egyptian goddess with the body of a woman and the head of a cat. She became one of the most revered of the Egyptian gods, in charge of fertility, beauty, and motherhood.
  • Julius Caesar, King Henry II, King Charles XI, and Napoleon all had terrible aelurophobia, a fear of cats.
  • The prophet Mohammed was a big cat lover. His favorite cat, Muezza, once saved his life by warning him about a dangerous snake.
  • Florence Nightingale, the world’s most famous nurse, was cat crazy. She owned more than 60 cats over the course of her lifetime.
  • One more Egyptian note. In the 1800’s archaeologists digging in the shadows of the Egyptian pyramids unearthed a huge cemetery filled with more than 300,000 cat mummies.

I hope all of you rabid dog fans out there can now relax a little. We cat persons understand, appreciate, and sympathize about your passion for dogs. Some of your emails were a little disturbing but I really do understand your pain. LOL

CATS STILL RULE!

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