I was watching Peacock Network last night and made the mistake of tuning in a show where Snoop Dog and three moron friends reviewed videos of stupid people, both criminal and criminally stupid. Between all of the F-Bombs and gratuitous crap about weed, I was bored to tears. So today I’ll give you my written version of that and nary an F-Bomb will be heard. Stream this Doggy boy!
DONT ASK
R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver’s license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
THIS WOULD BE ME
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, “Crook, come forward.” Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.
WRONG ALIBI
In Springfield, Mo. Vernon Wayne Richmond, 18, stood up in court to give the details of his crime as part of a plea bargain to cocaine possession. Richmond said he found cocaine, put it in his pocket, and then was arrested by police after a Wal-Mart guard detained him. Unfortunately, Richmond had misunderstood which of his cases the plea was for. Actually, the district attorney was prosecuting him for an earlier arrest for having cocaine in his car and was unaware of the Wal-Mart arrest.
LAY THAT PISTOL DOWN, BABE
In Annapolis, Md., during a celebration of Gregory Johnson’s 32nd birthday, his cousin Darwin Derwood Coates, 21, tucked a .22-caliber handgun into the waistband of his trousers and accidentally shot himself in the groin. As guests tried to assist Coates, Johnson relieved him of the gun and stuck it in the most convenient place he could find, which was the waistband of his own trousers. The gun fired again, striking Johnson in the buttocks. Both men were hospitalized.
TA! DA!
❤Slow Dance❤
Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain slapping the ground?
Ever followed a bird’s erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun as it fades into night?
Do you run through your day on the fly?
When you ask, “How are you?” Do you hear the reply?
When your day is done do you lie in your bed?
With the next hundred chores running through your head?
You’d better slow down don’t dance so fast.
Life is short and the music won’t last.
Ever told your child, we’ll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste, not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch and let a good friendship die?
Cause you never had time to call and say “Hi”
When you’re running so fast to get somewhere,
You miss all of the fun in getting there.
When you rush and worry all through your day,
It’s like an unopened gift that’s just thrown away.
Life isn’t a race. Do take it slower,
Listen to the music before the song’s over.
MORE TO COME
Most of you readers enjoy the limericks I post but even more seem to enjoy the limericks created by kids. Here are a few more selections for your amusement.
Violet McDonald – Age 11
Thr wnce ws a grl fr, SX
Who cdnt stp usin hr txt:
She ws gtin a bor,
I cud nt take no mor,
So I fd hr phn 2my dg Rx
😍😍😍
Celia McMaster – Age 12
A hungry old goat name Heather
Was tied up with an old piece of leather.
In a minute or two
She had chewed it right through,
And that was end of her tether!
🤪🤪🤪
David McDermott – Age 13
There is a young boxer named Walter,
Who comes from the island of Malta.
One day in the ring
He stepped on a spring,
And bounced all the way to Gibraltar.
😛😛😛
Brian Bell – Age 5
My brother’s name is Keith.
He hates to clean his teeth.
His dirty face
Is a real disgrace,
But he’s lovely underneath!
💩
I’ve always proclaimed my love for Sci-Fi. It’s been a consistent part of my life since I first watched my mother cover the walls of my bedroom with rocket ships and planets. Next came Sputnik and the space race began, and I was hooked. I read everything I could get my hands on that was sci-fi related and the first real book I devoured was Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. I found the book in a garbage can along the road as I was walking home from school one afternoon. My mind became instantly expanded in 1965 when the novel Dune was released. It was a complicated read for a young kid, but it was mind blowing as well. I read it two additional times with the book in one hand and a dictionary in the other. I wanted to understand it all.
In 1984 I was sent reeling when it was announced that a movie had been made. I loved the movie but as all movies do, they fall well short of the book. I saw that first movie a number of times over the years and still enjoy it to this day. That being said, I’ve read the entire five book series of Dune at least six times in the intervening years and it still blows my mind. Every time I reread it; I find things I missed before. As with J.R.R. Tolkien, J.K. Rowling, and Frank Herbert it staggers my imagination that they could sit down and write such epic works.
There was a TV series in 2000 but it gets no mention here. It sucked! I’ve recently began reading the original series again prompted by the release of the new movie. I’ve just finished The Children of Dune and I can’t wait to get started on the final two novels. I haven’t yet decided whether to see the new movie because I know in my heart it will disappoint me. Here are two quotes from the books I particularly liked. It’s this kind of writing that doesn’t translate well to a movie.
“The one-eyed view of our universe says you must not look far afield for problems. Such problems may never arrive. Instead, tend to the Wolf within your fences. The pacts ranging outside may not even exist.”
“Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.”
IF YOU GET A CHANCE, READ THE BOOK
Yesterday I posted a few tidbits concerning sexual weirdness laws still being enforced here in our country. With weirdness being the operative word, I thought I would continue with a few more obscure and weird facts that you may not be aware of. It seems that the list grows longer and longer each year.
- The first step on the moon by astronaut Neil Armstrong was made with his left foot.
- More Americans choke on toothpicks than on any other item. Ballpoint pens are running a close second.
- The “gag” rule was instituted in the Senate in 1836 so the Senators would not have to accept, debate, or vote on anti-slavery petitions.
- Fingernails grow faster on your dominant hand.
- Tickling requires surprise. Since you can’t surprise yourself, you can’t tickle yourself, either.
- Fifteen million blood cells are produced and destroyed in the human body every second.
- The human body has enough fat to produce seven bars of soap.
- Investor, entrepreneur, and philanthropist Warren Buffett began his illustrious career by collecting and selling lost golf balls.
- Over a lifetime, an average human being spends approximately 6 months on the toilet.
- Ironically the official motto of the state of New Hampshire, printed on its license plates, is “Live Free or Die”, and those license plates are made at a state prison.
This quote belongs to Nancy Reagan and is one of my favorites.
“I think more people would be alive
today if there were a death penalty.”
I’ve been associated with Law Enforcement both as a police officer and also as a private citizen. I’ve seen a lot of things that were more than a little strange and some more than a little scary. So, when I stumbled upon this list that I’m about to post I wasn’t all that surprised. In the past I’ve posted about some strange laws still on the books in this country, but this list takes the cake. This is about weird sex laws gathered from a number of states and to say they’re a little bizarre is an understatement. Here we go . . .
- In Harrisburg, PA, there’s a law against having sex with a truck driver in a toll booth.
- In Newcastle, WY, there’s a law against having sex in a butcher shop freezer.
- In Clinton, OK, it’s illegal to masturbate while watching two people having sex in a car.
- In Tremonton, UT, you aren’t permitted to have sex in an ambulance.
- In Alexandria, MN, it’s illegal for a man to have sex with his wife if he has the smell of onions, sardines, or garlic on his breath.
- In Willowdale, OR a husband cannot talk dirty in his wife’s ear during sex.
- In Ames, IA, there’s a law against a man drinking more than three slugs of beer while lying in bed with a woman.
- In Ventura, CA, there’s a law against cats and dogs having sex without a permit.
- In Kingsville, TX there’s a law against two pigs having sex on Kingsville Airport property.
WELCOME TO THE LAND OF THE FREE AND THE HOME OF THE WEIRD
Who doesn’t use cliches? You probably use one or two every day and don’t even realize it. I once wrote a four-minute speech using nothing but dozens of cliches strung together. I loved the challenge but the thirty people I read it to weren’t the least bit impressed. I really dislike people who can’t take a joke. Anyway, one other thing I love to do is to trace back into history to discover who originally came up with the cliche. Here are a couple just for you.
“By the skin of one’s teeth.”
“By the skin of one’s teeth” specifically is a (slightly misquoted) biblical phrase that means to have suffered “a close shave”.
My bone cleaveth to my skin, and to my flesh, and I am escaped with the skin of my teeth. Job 19:20
😯😯😯
“A chip on one shoulder.”
There is an ancient proverb, “Hew not too high less chips fall in thine eye.” By the late 16th century, this health and safety warning had become something of a challenge, a dare to a fearless woodcutter to look high up without regard to any falling chips of wood.
😕😕😕
“The hair of the dog that bit you.”
The phrase likely originated in the 16th century. Back then, if one was bitten by a mad dog (which was likely to be suffering from rabies), It was accepted medical practice to dress the wound with a burnt hair of the dog, as an antidote. Amazingly, this cure was recommended for dog bites for about 200 years before its efficacy was finally brought into question.
GOTTA LUV EM
As someone who’s crazy for limericks of all kinds, I thought I’d introduce a new contributor to this blog. The name is John Ciardi, and he was a close friend of Isaac Azimov, my favorite limerick author. They partnered up back in the 70’s and wrote a book of their limericks. It was a limerick war between the two as part of their competitive friendship. I’ve blogged many of Azimov’s limericks and I think it’s only fair to give Mr. Ciardi equal time. Here are a few of his gems.
😂😂😂
There once was a girl who intended
To keep herself morally splendid
And ascend into Glory,
Which is not a bad story,
Except that that’s not how it ended.
😫😫😫
One semester a young prof named Innis
Taught two hundred coeds’ what sin is.
Not, bad, I acknowledge,
For a small country college,
But not worth recording in Guinness.
🤪🤪🤪
A businesslike lady once baited
The door of her flat with X-rated
Interior views,
And, in neon, FREE BOOZE.
Then stretched out on a bearskin and waited.
😎😎😎
A word spout named Howard Cosell
Set his sights on the language Nobel
By over inflating
His confabulating,
But to blow hard is not to blow well.
THANK YOU MR. CIARDI
I’ve spent most of my life obeying and enforcing the laws of the land. First, as a cop, and then as a private cop for companies throughout the country. I’ve always believed in what I did and felt proud as I dedicated my time and energy to something bigger than myself. That was ‘yesterday’ and unfortunately ‘today’ it’s become something less noble. I can’t praise our law enforcement officers enough because the job has become almost impossible to do. Between the bleeding-heart liberal judges and the thousands of attorneys doing their level best every day to muddy the waters of what’s right and what’s wrong, it’s no wonder the society is suffering.
Everyone seems to complain that the system is broken but no one knows or even tries to fix it. It’s much easier to just send cops out into the streets knowing that if they make one solitary move or say one solitary thing to a citizen, they’ll be ridiculed or worse within minutes. There are times when it’s justified but all cops don’t deserve that kind of ridicule. Our forefathers are a joke to many people these days, but they saw this coming over three hundred years ago. Read on.
Alexander Hamilton (1757-1804) & James Madison (1751-1836)
“The Federalist Papers”
“It will be of little avail to the people, that the laws are made by men of their own choice, if the laws be so voluminous that they cannot be read, or so incoherent that they cannot be understood, if they be repealed or revised before they are promulgated, or undergo such incessant changes that no man, who knows what the law is today, can guess what it will be tomorrow.”
TAKE TIME TO THANK A COP FOR HIS SERVICE
Over the years I’ve consistently stated that I was not a fan of organized religions. You can disagree or agree, that’s your privilege. I also don’t participate in religious holiday celebrations either. That being said, I know many of you do. Here is my contribution this year to add to your holiday cheer. We always need a little humor thrown into the mix.
Robert just graduated with a degree in Clinical Psychology and opened his first office. After some successful advertising he was astounded to have nearly 200 people wanting to be in group therapy. Robert decided to rent a large hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, he decided to ask for a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asked for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asked, how many had sex once a week. This time a larger number of hands were raised. Robert then asked how many had sex once or twice a month. Again a few hands were raised. After he polled his group several more times, he noticed John sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. He also noticed that John had never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. John stated proudly, “Once a year!” Robert then responded, “Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year??” John smiling from ear-to-ear responded, “Tonight’s the night!”
HAPPY EASTER!
everyuselessthing.com 