Well, it’s New Years Eve once again. This was a fun holiday when I was in my teens and twenties but these days not so much. I never really understood what the big deal was and still don’t. It’s just a day and night made for drinking, carousing, and avoiding sobriety check points. I hope none of you become victims of that stupidity and cause an accident that may harm yourself and others by drinking and driving. In my years as a police officer, I made a point of not working on this holiday. I took the day off and then occasionally drank too much, caroused too much, and got really stupid. I managed to survive but only just.
This year I’m housebound and safe from the fits of holiday stupidity. Please be safe . . . and not too stupid. I wouldn’t want to be reading about any of you on “the day after”. Let me bring a few smiles to your lips before you decide to begin your celebration by taking a little trip to the 1980’s for some occasionally rude and hilarious humor.
If the shrimps come in on a shrimp boat, how do the crabs come in? On the captain’s dinghy.
Why did Miss Piggy miss her last concert? She had a frog in her throat.
What happens when you moon in bumper-to-bumper traffic? You wind up with your ass in a jam.
What’s the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and a skinny girl? The counterfeit bill is a phony buck.
What’s the definition of a real lady? Someone who doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, and only curses if it slips out.
Why did they name the new feminine hygiene spray SSY? Because it takes the PU out of pussy.
What happens when a guaranteed condom breaks? The guarantee runs out.
What’s 138? Dinner for four.
When do you know you’ve had the world’s best head? You have to pull the sheet out of your ass.
What’s the difference between frustration and panic? Frustration is the first time you find out you can’t do it the second time, and panic is the second time you found out you couldn’t do it the first time.
Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone it’s time to get back to the basics of what this blog is all about, “Every Useless Thing”. To quote an authority, Bertrand Russell, “There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge.” Since I totally agree with that statement, I really don’t need to say much more except enjoy this collection of useless knowledge.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
The herb nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
Volleyball is the most popular sport at nudist camps.
The buttons on a man’s jacket cuff were originally intended to stop manservants from wiping their noses on the sleeves of their uniforms.
Watching TV uses up to 50% more calories than sleeping.
On average, a drop of Heinz tomato ketchup leaves the bottle at a speed of 25 miles per year.
At any given moment, there are some 1800 thunderstorms somewhere on planet Earth.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven times.
Pollen lasts forever.
20% of the people in the whole history of mankind who have lived beyond the age of 65 are alive today .
Six out of every seven gynecologists are men.
Strawberries have more vitamin C than oranges.
If a pack-a-day smoker inhaled a weeks’ worth of nicotine, they would die instantly.
I thought today I’d make a quick comment about some of the responses I received to my Inappropriate Humor dirty jokes post. For those of you out there that don’t read everything, that’s why I rated the post an “R”, and I put warnings in the graphics to keep it out of the hands of kids or the blind, dumb, and stupid non-readers. It never occurred to me that there were adults out there who would respond to humor like a bunch of babies. So, to all of you prudes out there, just get over it. If you don’t like what I post, stop reading the blog and go elsewhere. You won’t be missed.
This post is filled with pearls-of-wisdom posted at one time or another by that very famous writer and philosopher, Anonymous. Celebrities and politicians are forever looking for soundbites to get little attention, but Anonymous could care less about offending anyone. Here are fifteen quotes you may enjoy but if your one of the overly sensitive minorities I recommend you leave my blog now and go read the Bible . . . .
“Churches welcome all denominations, but most prefer fives and tens.“
“And an optimist is someone who thinks the future is uncertain.“
“There are few problems in life that wouldn’t be eased by the proper application of high explosives.“
“Physics lesson: When a body is submerged in water, the phone rings.“
“Is sex better than drugs? That depends on the pusher.“
“Until I get married, I was my own worst enemy.“
“Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.“
“There is nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won’t aggravate.“
“Christmas is Christ’s revenge for the crucifixion.“
Almost everyone loves quoting experts about everything and no different. Today’s post is exclusively and completely written by women with their opinions on Men, Women, and Marriage. It should be interesting.
ONWOMEN
“A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water.” Eleanor Roosevelt 1981
” I do not wish them [women] to have power over men; but over themselves.” Mary Wollstonecraft 1792
“In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.” Margaret Thatcher 1970
ONMEN
” Man for the sake of getting a living forget to live.” Margaret Fuller 1844
“We don’t believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.” Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach 1905
“Fate of love is that it always seems too little or too much.” Amelia E. Barr 1904
ON LOVE &ROMANCE
“I do not consider divorce an evil by any means. It’s just as much a refuge for women married to brutal man as Canada was to the slaves of brutal masters.” Susan B. Anthony 1898
“A husband is what is left of the lover, after the nerve has been extracted.” Helen Rowland
” I married beneath me, all women do.” Nancy Astor 1981
Louisa May Alcott
I’d like to finish this post with a quote from Louisa May Alcott written on April 11, 1868.
“One of the trials of womankind is the fear of being an old maid. To escape this dreadful doom, young girls rushed into matrimony with a recklessness which astonishes the beholder; never pausing to remember that the loss of liberty, happiness, and self-respect is poorly repaid by the barren honor of being called Mrs. instead of Ms.”
Do I agree to all of the material I just posted, mostly! Many of these quotes were from a different time but the facts of marriage and men and women hasn’t changed all that much in any case. At the time some of these quotes were made they carried serious weight to the nation and had a lot to do with women eventually getting the vote.
For many years I’ve considered myself a true “foodie”. I’ve always made a point to try damn near anything called food. Of course, that has changed dramatically as I’ve aged. Truthfully, I don’t really miss my entrees of “dog soup” and “cat spring rolls” I once tried in Korea. So, when I started collecting odd facts and trivia, food always seems to be mentioned in some fashion. Here are a few little-known facts about food I’ve collected. How many have your heard before?
What is the name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box? Bingo.
What is the American name for the British delicacy known as trotters? Pig’s feet.
Under US government regulations, what percentage of peanut butter has to be peanuts? 90%.
Who originally coined the phrase that has been appropriated as the slogan for Maxwell House coffee; “Good to the last drop”? President Theodore Roosevelt
What recipe did Texas ice cream maker Elmer Doolin buy for a $100 from the owner of a San Antonio café in 1933 and later used to make a fortune? The recipe for tasty corn chips that was later marketed as Fritos. He made them at night in his mother’s kitchen and peddled them from his Model-T Ford.
A California winemaker from Napa Valley once named a wine in honor of Marilyn Monroe. What was it called? Marilyn Merlot.
What food product was discovered because of a long camel ride? Cottage cheese. An Arab trader found that milk he was carrying in a goatskin bag had turned into a tasty solid white curd.
Peter Cooper, best known for inventing the locomotive “Tom Thumb”, patented a dessert in 1845. What was it? A gelatin treat that eventually became known as Jell-O when it was marketed in 1897.
In 1867 Emperor Napoleon III had a chemist develop a food product “for the army, navy, and the needy classes of the population.” What was it? Margarine.
What was the drink we know as the Bloody Mary originally called? The Red Snapper, which was it’s name when it crossed the Atlantic from Harry’s New York Bar in Paris.
I’m reasonably sure that most of us are familiar with the saying “Kilroy was here.” I’m also sure that most of us (especially non-military folk) haven’t a clue where it came from and how it’s managed to survive since its creation early in World War II. Here’s part of that story . . .
The exact creation of this image has never been discovered. It began appearing early in World War II and was found on ships, railroad cars, bunkers, fences, the occasional fighter plane, bombs, and the occasional torpedo.
In 1946, just after the war ended, the American Transit Association began a search for the real Kilroy and offered a real trolley car as the prize. Approximately 40 men tried to claim the prize, which was eventually awarded to 46-year-old James J. Kilroy of Halifax, Massachusetts. The judges thought that his story was the most convincing. During the war, Kilroy was an inspector at the Bethlehem Steel shipyard in Quincy, Massachusetts, that produced ships for the military effort. Kilroy discovered that he was being asked to inspect the same ship bottoms and tanks again and again, so he devised a way to keep track of his work. He used a yellow crayon and wrote “Kilroy was here.” in big block letters on the hatches and surfaces of the ships he inspected. The same ships then made their way overseas with Kilroy’s inscriptions intact. Also, over the course of the war, 14,000 shipyard employees also enlisted, most of whom went overseas as well. No one knows who first decided to imitate the crayon scrawled words, but before long, soldiers saw them everywhere. It became common practice for the first soldier into a new area to pull out a piece of chalk and let those behind him know that Kilroy had already been there too.
True or not James J. Kilroy story convinced the judges and won the contest. What did he do with the trolley car? Kilroy had a big family, so he attached a 50 foot long, 12-ton trolley car to his house and used it as a bedroom for six of his nine children.
Just as an aside, I can’t tell you how many times when I was in the Army both here in the US and overseas, I discovered very quickly that “Kilroy was (already) here.” It was scrawled everywhere. Once while in Korea I was climbing through a deserted gun emplacement in the hills near Inchon. There was old graffiti on the walls from some Turkish soldiers which I couldn’t read and right next to them was a huge “Kilroy was here!” Most recently and most poignant was this magazine photo taken at the home of Osama bin Laden just after his capture.
TRUTHFULLY, I CONFESS TO PLACING “KILROY” ON A FEW THINGS MYSELF.
As you can imagine, I am continually on the lookout for anything humorous. Sometimes I get lucky and find a gold mine and other times I find myself severely disappointed. Recently I was out surfing sites for anything I could find, and I stumbled upon a book of 1001 one-liners, short jokes, and puns. I admit a preference for bawdy humor, but I thought I’d take a chance, and I bought this book. I’ll withhold my opinions, and you can decide whether I got taken or not.
I used to think an ocean of soda existed, but it was just a Fanta sea.
I like to drink my brandy neat but sometimes I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.
I must’ve eaten too much salmon. I just ran up an escalator that was coming down.
A sandwich walked into a bar. The bartender said, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”
My girlfriend told me she’s leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I heard a rumor that they were giving away horse manure at a local fair, so I went down there to check it out. It was bullshit.
I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn’t cure it but during the night he keeps the sheets off my legs.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch.
A man entered a local newspapers pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.
There you have ten questionable jokes. I really believe I got taken on this purchase.
Here’s one of the few that I actually enjoyed:
I just saw a large singer with a laptop. It was a Dell.
Q. What’s better than a rose on your piano? A. Tulips on your organ.
A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” “Tell me all of your sins, my daughter.” “Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times,” she says. The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, “Go home and take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it.” “Will this cleanse my soul of all my sins?” “No,” the priest says, “but it will certainly wipe that smile off your face!”
A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. He notices that she’s reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it, and she replies, “This is a very interesting book! It says that American Indians have the longest penises, and Italian men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?” “Tonto Tortolini, nice to meet you.”
Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other? A. We do taste like chicken!
A woman enrolls in nursing school and is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks her if she knows what her asshole does when she’s having an orgasm. “Sure,” she says. “He’s at home taking care of the kids.”
I can tell that today is not going to be a fun day. First of all, this is a “change of season” month, and I find from years of experience that “change of season” months usually suck. The clouds are gray, the sky is gray, the garden plants are all dead, all the “cool” birds have headed south for the winter, and I’m hip deep in effing leaves. Here’s my good survival tip for living in Maine. You must always and I do mean always have an electric blanket somewhere nearby for heat emergencies at this time of the year. Last night I earned a “7” out of ten on my electric blanket. I was awakened at 5:30 a.m. not for my normal bathroom visit but because my teeth were chattering so loud, I was waking up the cat. I’m just not ready for this crap weather and the coming winter. Maybe it’s just old age creeping up on me which tends to be happening more and more these days.
As the years go by, I’ve given a lot of thought to my final days, and I’ve discovered that only two things really matter at that point. If you want to leave some sort of legacy all you need to do is leave two things: a self-written epithet for your headstone or (for you urn people) a really cool quote for your final words. Today’s post is a list of the final words of a few well-known people. Some are profound and some are not, you be the judge.
H. G. Wells (1866-1946) stated to his nurse: “Go away. I’m all right.”
Brigham Young (1801-77) stated “Amen”.
George Washington (1732-99) stated to his doctor, “Doctor, I die hard, but I’m not afraid to go.”
Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919) “Please put out the light.”
Pablo Picasso (1881-1973) “Drink to me.”
Elizabeth I (1533-1603) “All my possessions for a moment of time.”
So how would you all like to have a homework assignment. If you’re so inclined, send me your epitaph and last words and hopefully by then I’ll have mine done and will I’ll post them.
I thought today would be a good day to post some poetry by youngsters. I’ve read all of the most famous poets, but they don’t give me the same kind of rush that poetry by younger people gives me. These were obtained from various English-speaking countries around the world. I hope you enjoy them as much as I have.
✍🏻
THE GRASS by Warren Cardwell, age 8, United States
The grass seems to dance,
It seems to walk,
It seems to talk,
It seems to like to
Have you walk on it,
And play with it too,
It seems to be stronger than you or I.
✍🏻✍🏻
THE JELLYFISH by Glenn Davis, age 11, Canada
Dome-like top, speckled, comets converging.
Gold-green flesh, wave edges urging.
Jellylike globules, soft lattice arms,
Spiked fury, leather lash meting out harm.
Golden-smooth rods, waving whiplike with water,
Beauty and danger, the jellyfish slaughter.
✍🏻✍🏻✍🏻
DEW ON A SPIDER WEB by Michael Capstone, age 10, New Zealand
everyuselessthing.com 