Archive for the ‘christmas’ Tag
We’ve reached mid-October and I’m starting to see indications of that holiday freight train that is rumbling full speed towards us. I was tasked with an errand last night that required me to pickup my better-half who was attending a wedding of a co-worked in a town north of here. Darkness had fallen and our trip home took us through a number of neighborhoods and small towns. We were within a quarter mile of home when I spotted something that sent a cold shiver down my spine . . . a lighted Christmas tree in front of a neighbor’s home. These neighbors are the newest members of our little community and are folks who love to celebrate each and every holiday with decorations of all sorts hanging from trees, shrubs, and anything else that doesn’t move too much. It can be cute but also it’s also more than a little annoying just like that tree was last night.
During some of my shopping forays in recent weeks I’ve observed the expected Halloween and Thanksgiving craziness but Christmas rearing it’s ugly head this early in October is ridiculous. Having worked for many rears for retail companies I understand the management mentality in getting the jump on competitors. It just seems they’ve all picked up some of the more bothersome bad habits of the king of all retailers, Walmart. They seem to think that anything that Walmart does automatically become the final word in making money. Having spent six months in a Walmart management training program allows me to proclaim that Walmart is just as screwed up as any other company. Their saving grace secret is their size. When you’re as big as Walmart it’s much easier to hide your screw ups and bad decisions.
I have a sneaking suspicion that Sam Walton is probably spinning in his grave after watching what has gone on with his company. On my first day at Sam’s Club I was handed a paperback book on the life and times of their founder Sam Walton. I was ordered to read that book immediately and was questioned heavily on it’s contents throughout the training period. Almost all of the training tapes that were in use were tapes made by Walton himself who at the time had been dead for more than ten years. I was being trained by a dead guy in Walmart’s lame attempt to brainwash me into their world of retail. Just before my graduation from that training program I was on my way to work and wishing I wasn’t. Ten minutes after I arrived I walked into the General Manger’s office and resigned. I walked away and never looked back. They only succeeded in making me unhappy, miserable, and just a little crazy. I’ve never regretted my decision.
This isn’t a rant just about Walmart but a general disappointment with the cynical approach taken by almost every retailer. I think we can thank Wall Street and the Harvard Business School for a lot of these issues. The stock market virtually requires companies to meet expectations regardless of the methods used. The Harvard MBA’s that I’ve been involved with over the years were all young bean-counters of the worst sort. They’d gut a company, fire any number of employees, cut benefits, just about anything to help meet those Wall Street projections. People are just numbers to them and are treated accordingly. Is it any wonder things are the way they are.
So after saying all of that I hope you’re prepared for the avalanche of Christmas nonsense headed your way. Ten glorious weeks of Santa Clause, presents, endless TV commercials, and a hit to your wallet that will be larger than ever before. Oh yeah, I recently heard a nasty rumor that once upon a time Christmas had something to do with religion. How stupid am I?
I’m about to make you aware of a newly discovered ailment causing much suffering to the human race. It’s a lifelong ailment that flares up on the average of once a year to disorient and dismay a large segment of the population. It’s like herpes with a smile. It’s called by those aware of it’s existence, PTCS, or Post Traumatic Christmas Syndrome. It begins in November with a certain uneasiness as you see your home begin to fill with boxes of purchases, Christmas cards, and other green and red paraphernalia. After a week your breathing becomes labored as you see the first credit card balances arriving with lists of things you don’t remember buying. The stress level continues to climb as odd foods show up and containers of candy and fruit cakes magically appear.
This syndrome peaks in December just as your on the verge of total collapse. All of a sudden things begin to disappear and within days your life is as it once was. It’s like being in a time warp with four or five lost weeks that you’d rather just forget. It will take months for you to recuperate and to refill your bank accounts. Also months of exercise and dieting to lose that ten pounds of body fat that appeared out of nowhere.
It also effects your mind making you happy to have suffered through this terrible time and you can’t wait for the next outbreak. Unfortunately it’s very contagious and targets the youngest of us almost immediately. It appears to be an airborne virus spread by physical contact and made even worse by groups of people who insist on singing together.
It’s insidious! The children just don’t have a prayer of being spared this affliction that could haunt them for decades. For hundreds of years certain people have searched for a cure but to no avail. A certain doctor from somewhere in Europe, Dr. I. M. Grinchakowski died a horrible death some years ago when his immunization program went horribly awry and he died from an overdose of frankincense and myrrh. It was a sad day but the search continues for a cure.
I’m only just beginning to feel the change that’s’ coming. It was a terrible few months where I was stressed, over fed, and I found myself smiling way too much. I should be back on my feet by New Years but these strange effects of PTCS could linger for months.
I think we should all hire attorneys and have PTCS declared a disability. We could limit the government stipend to a once a year payment from Social Security that we’d receive early in December.
Vote Democratic!
After spending the entire day yesterday laying around like a big lump I went to sleep and spent eight more hours doing the same thing. I came awake this morning feeling somewhat better but still not quite back to what I consider normal. More snow through the nite was just the cherry on top of this week. I’m afraid this winter has started badly with more than two and a half feet of snow before New Year’s Day. I have the feeling we’ll be buried the entire winter. Yeah for us!
In past years I joked about SNIRT season here in Maine. That’s a mixture of SNow and dIRT for all you non-Mainers. It could be a record setting year if this photo is any indication. If this weather pattern continues with a snow storm every two or three days things could get really interesting. Just west of here in the White Mountains the ski resorts are already celebrating. They have close to a five foot base and expert much much more. They could be skiing well into April and May if they’re lucky. At least someone is reaping the benefits from all this damn snow. Unfortunately I haven’t figured a way to make money from this snow but I’m continuing to explore many possibilities.
The post-Christmas cleanup continues and will take a little longer than expected. It’s hard to believe such a small group of people could create such devastation in just two days. I almost had to use a snow shovel to clean the debris from the living room. I actually lost my cat for a while when he burrowed into the pile and disappeared.
I’ve just about finished my New Year’s resolutions and should be posting them in a day or so. They would have been done sooner but I got caught up in my reading of Sherlock Holmes stories and put them on the back burner for a few more days.
More snow and ice expected tomorrow so hurry up and make your travel plans to come visit us here in Maine. We have it all; SNOW, ICE STORMS, SLEET, SLUSH and of course SNIRT.
AND THANKS TO PEDDLER FOR THIS REMINDER
THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY ONE SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS
We’ve spent most of the last two months preparing for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. Since it was the first holiday season where the grandson was aware of what was going on, we went a little overboard with gifts and preparations.
On top of all of that my fiasco with this broken leg made everything that much more difficult and put more pressure on my better-half. We survived the insanity we created but just barely. I’m really hoping that next year we can learn from our mistakes and move forward just a little bit smarter. It’s hard not getting caught up in the excitement caused by having a young child in the mix because the holidays are more for him than the rest of us.
The let down with Christmas being over is unbelievable. The better-half has fallen into a post Christmas comma. She’s been sleeping for most of the day today just trying to rest and regain some normalcy. I haven’t done much better myself. I’m slowly recovering but I’m like a effing zombie today. I’m drinking a lot of coffee because my energy level is non-existent and all of my motivation to do anything else has evaporated.
We have New Year’s coming soon and thank God we don’t celebrate that holiday like these others. Two of our Christmas guests are now enroute to the Big Apple for the ultimate Times Square New Year’s Eve experience. They must be out of there freaking minds. My better half and I both get claustrophobic in a room with no more than 10 people, I can’t imagine rubbing elbows with millions of people in Times Square. That would scare the bejesus out of us both.
I’m hoping that our quiet time will continue for at least two more days where we can kick back, relax and enjoy the snowy scenery. I haven’t mentioned but we received another 4 1/2 inches of snow over the last 24 hours. It’s one of the times every winter that I enjoy the most, having a cover of fresh white snow over all the slush and dirt. These pictures were taken earlier this morning and you can see what I’m talking about.
It’s about time for me to put this computer to bed so I can get to what I’m really thinking about doing today, a long, warm and quiet nap. I’ll worry about New Year’s when it gets here.
NO MORE SHOPPING DAYS – HOORAY!
Since I’ll be taking a few days off from blogging to enjoy the family Christmas doings I thought something important needed to be discussed. Being a former soldier, the holidays have much more meaning than just just gifts, Christmas trees, and family traditions. I’m all too familiar with that lonely feeling when you’re away from home on Christmas for the first time and the dull ache it leaves in your chest. There’s regular homesickness of course but being separated from your family, friends and comfortable surroundings on Christmas is a different kind of “hurt”. I always think of our service people spread around the globe and I remember them everyday but even more so at this time of the year. Here is a heartfelt poem from an unknown serviceman I received some years ago from a friend. It struck home with me then and it still does to this day. It may have been a different war or different time but the feelings expressed remain the same. Enjoy this and think of them tonight and never forget . . . .
Soldier On Watch
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
my daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep
in perfect contentment, or so it would seem.
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.
The sound wasn’t loud, and it wasn’t too near,
But I opened my eye when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn’t quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
and I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old
perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
“What are you doing?” I asked without fear
“Come in here this moment, it’s freezing out there!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your arm,
you should be at home, this cold could do harm!”
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts,
to the window that danced with a warm fire’s light
then he sighed and he said “Its really all right,
I’m out here by choice. I’m here every night”
“Its my duty to stand at the front of the line,
that separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I’m proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at ‘Pearl on a day in December,”
then he sighed, “That’s a Christmas ‘Gram always remembers.”
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ‘Nam
and now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I ‘ve not seen my own son in more than a while,
but my wife sends me pictures, he’s sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
the red white and blue… the American flag.
“I can live through the cold and the being alone,
away from my family, my house and my home,
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat,
I can carry the weight of killing another
or lay down my life with my sisters and brothers
who stand at the front against any and all,
to insure for all time that this flag will not fall.”
“So go back inside,” he said, “harbor no fright
Your family is waiting and I’ll be all right.”
“But isn’t there something I can do, at the least,
Give you money,” I asked, “or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you’ve done,
For being away from your wife and your son.”
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
“Just tell us you love us, and never forget
to fight for our rights back at home while we’re gone.
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
to know you remember we fought and we bled
is payment enough, and with that we will trust.
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us.
ONE SHOPPING DAY LEFT
HAVE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS WITH YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS
EVERYUSELESSTHING WILL BE BACK ON 12/26/2013
Well, we have two more days of this Christmas insanity to deal with. The pressures seem to be building among the family members with minor bickering and annoyances taking over. It’s the typical holiday syndrome suffered by hundreds of thousands of families over the years and has actually become a rich traditional part of the American Christmas holiday experience.
As luck would have it, today is my day off. My better-half, her son visiting from Raleigh, her daughter, and the grandson are preparing for their last shopping foray north to L.L. Bean in Freeport, Maine. I was asked to go but there was no way in hell I was leaving the house to visit a major retail area just two days before Christmas. I may look stupid at times but not today.
I’ll be posting this blog and then relaxing for the rest of the day with a good book and a glass or two of brandy. The house will be quiet and that will be perfect. Starting tomorrow and for the next two days we’ll be running here and visiting there until we finally reach Christmas Day and the dinner at our home.
My shopping for this year is over, my gifts are wrapped, and I’m done with all of that. Now a couple of family gatherings and two excellent meals and we’ll all be worrying about and preparing for the next holiday.
In years past I was all about New Years and I celebrated it with a vengeance. It was by far my favorite holiday after Thanksgiving. But “time wounds all heals” and the fascination of drinking and carousing all night has long since past. Rushing out to spend the night in New York City with millions of others or attending one of any number of local boring parties has lost it’s charm. A quiet night with my soulmate just relaxing and enjoying each other’s company is enough.
I remember all of those crazy years with crazy people doing really crazy stuff. Our group suffered a few minor arrests and once or twice we spent some quality standing along a snowy and icy highway while our driver was put through his paces by a stern and business-like police officer. Nothing like a gigantic sobriety check point to start off the New Year. Ahhhh, sweet memories.
TWO MORE SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
Christmas is almost upon us and New Years is quickly approaching. I thought a little more Christmas humor was in order and also a healthy dose of New Year’s ridiculousness. Todays posting is a series of quotation’s from the rich and famous, the poor and unfamous, and from our favorite person of all time, Anonymous.
Christmas
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his presents remembered. Phyllis Diller
Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.
Anonymous
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. Bernard Manning
Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present. Anonymous
Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas.
John Cleese, “Monty Python”
The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. Joan Rivers
There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them. P.J. O’Rourke
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson
Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space. Dave Barry
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
Shirley Temple
Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts. Anonymous
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. Johnny Carson
I know some of these quotes are corny and stupid but never forget, so are we all at times. Now let’s hop, skip and jump onto the New Year’s bandwagon with a few more potentially humorous adages.
New Year’s
Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to. Bill Vaughn
The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to. P.J. O’Rourke
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution. Jay Leno
A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
Anonymous
It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets. William Thomas
The only way to spend New Year’s Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears. W.H. Auden
Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let’s just wish each other a bile-less New Year and leave it at that.
Judith Crist
New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time. James Agee
People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas. Anonymous
Be at war with your vices; at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man. Benjamin Franklin
I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser. Robert Paul
Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right. Oprah Winfrey
Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. Oscar Wilde
I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me. Anais Nin
THREE SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
Are you really a Christmas person or do you just go through the motions like so many people do. Over the years I’ve developed into a pretty decent gift giver. I do the necessary research and when I give a gift it means something to me and to the person I’m gifting. That being said I’ve received some of the worst gifts ever on Christmas from people who claimed to be my friends. I hate being phony and it’s really difficult to look sincere with a ‘Thank You’ when I receive a gift that is horrible, stupid, or totally useless. I might pull a few facial muscles just trying to keep a stupid smile on my face.
I decided today I’d put together a list of some of the things that I’ve received over the years that I absolutely hated. Anyone reading this who is responsible for sending me these gifts, you suck. I wasn’t able to tell you that at the time because I was being polite but “you suck”. I wish I had the ability to regift all of those crappy items you folks spent so little time giving a thought to. Tell me how much you would love receiving one of these precious and thoughtless gifts.
* * *
Ugly Christmas Sweaters – I received two of these over the years. One was made by my mother and the second was made by a friend of the family. Honestly, I never wore either except for the five minutes after I opened the package and had no choice. Their final destination is unknown. I think Goodwill received them years ago.
Cheap Perfume – This is usually a gift I would consider for those young ladies with whom my relationship was on the wane. No more than a quart size bottle and pay no more than a $1.99. I searched for the worst smelling stuff I could find, wrapped it up real pretty and threw it under the tree and quietly walked away. This stuff smells to high heaven and clings on clothing like Super Glue. Nothing says we’re through like that good old funeral home fragrance.
Scratchers – Lottery scratchers are probably the most uncaring gift you could give anyone. While buying a cup of coffee you throw couple of scratches in the bag. Give them to the first chump who needs to be given a gift but that you don’t give a damn about. I refuse to give them as gift’s because nothing would piss me off more than to have some schmo I don’t care all that much about win money.
Hip Hop CD’s – I would really only give these as gifts if I could find a few in a bargain bin somewhere that didn’t cost me more than a dollar apiece.
Any Richard Simmons Workout DVD – This I would give as gifts to all of the fat asses I know who refuse to exercise or to eat properly or do anything healthy. Unfortunately knowing my friends and family the way I do I’d get this regifted almost immediately.
Positive Pregnancy Test – I’ve never received one of these in my life but I certainly worried about receiving a few.
Chia Pet – I’ve received these and given them as gifts in the past. It became something of a tradition with my son when as very young kid he told me he thought they were cool. For 6 years he received a different Chia Pet and I loved every second of the expressions on his face when he opened those packages.
Ugly Holiday Ties – this was always my son’s response to all the Chia pets. He made me pay.
Snuggie – You really have to dislike a person to give this as a gift. It’s the worst and dumbest thing ever thought up and I can name at least five people I’d immediately give one to. Not much else to say.
* * *
FOUR SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
Well the holiday is rushing towards us and we’re down to the last week of preparations. The weather here in Maine is certainly doing it’s part this year. It’s the eighteenth of December and we have two and a half feet of snow on the ground. It’ll be nice to have an old style white Christmas with the trees sagging low with snow and everything feeling clean and new. It also makes for some beautiful photography as you can see.
My leg is healing nicely but it appears I’ll need more time to get it back into shape. I feel a little stupid hopping around with that Walter Brennan limp but what can I do. It’s just nice to be able to walk around the house, drive my car, and to get out and do a little Christmas shopping.
I hate to admit just how much I miss being able to use those handy electric shopping carts to do my shopping. People are nicer to you, they get out of the way, and even let you get ahead of them in line at the register. I’m a bit spoiled I guess. I’ve come up with a solution for that problem though. I’m going to start carrying the air cast and crutches in my car. I’ll arrive at Walmart, put on the boot, grab the crutches and make my way inside to claim my cart. That’s what I call a real emergency kit. My luck, I’ll get caught doing it the first time.
I have a few more stocking stuffers to buy this week and my holiday prep will be complete. Thank God for Amazon who made my Christmas so much easier to deal with this year. Shop, click, and bing, bang, boom . . . it arrives at your house in two days. Next year I may attempt to make it a total Amazon holiday. I’ll first sign up for Amazon Prime which for $79.00 gives me free shipping on all purchases for a year. Order anything and everything I need for the holidays, have it nicely wrapped, and shipped with a card to relatives and friends anywhere on the planet. It’s called a "one click" holiday season.
My better-half has been like a crazy person for the last few weeks but she appears to have accomplished all of her tasks and is calming down a little. The house is just about ready for guests and family and enough beer has been purchased to keep her in that sentimental mindset which help’s her enjoy the holidays. She’s worked very hard this year to get everything done and ready without my help and it’s looking terrific.
She and her daughter spent a good part of the day yesterday doing something they both love. Manicures and pedicures all around. I gave my better-half a gift certificate for two of each a few weeks ago for her birthday. I knew it would come in handy during "crazy week". They were pampered and lotioned until they had no choice but to be happy and smiling. There’s nothing like a good looking guy rubbing and scrubbing your feet and waiting on you hand-and-foot. One of these days I might be forced to give it a try myself but with a good looking woman.
SIX MORE SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
I wonder about Christmas sometimes. We know it wasn’t the actual day that Christ was born and we’re pretty sure the entire story was made up well after the fact by people who weren’t even there. Yet it remains the ultimate religious observance except maybe for Easter where religion has slowly faded into the background. As always I have a lot of questions and felt the need to search out some answers. Unfortunately there are as many answers as there are versions of the original story. Here’s a few that I found.
* * *
Why are there Twelve Days of Christmas?
Traditionally, it took the ‘Three Kings’ this number of days to find the baby Jesus. Their arrival on the twelfth day was celebrated in the form of the Feast of Epiphany in medieval France, and later in other countries.
Where did the Candy Cane come from?
In a small Indiana town, there was a candy maker who wanted to spread the name of Jesus around the world. He invented the Christmas Candy Cane, incorporating symbols for the birth, ministry, and death of Jesus Christ. He began with a stick of pure white, hard candy to symbolize the Virgin Birth. The candy maker formed the stick into a “J” to represent the name of Jesus or it can also represent the staff of the “Good Shepherd.” He thought the candy was too plain so he stained it with a red stripe to symbolize the blood shed by Christ on the cross.
Weird Christmas Games
Shoe the Wild Mare
Shoeing the Wild Mare is a traditional Christmas game that goes back to at least the early 17th century. Get a narrow(a few inches wide),strong wooden beam and suspend it from the roof with two even length ropes. The beam is the ‘mare’ of the title and should be level yet high enough above the floor so that a player’s feet are off-ground. A player ‘the farrier’ then sits on the ‘mare’ in the center, a leg on either side. This player has a hammer and has to give the underside of the beam “four time eight blows” at a designated spot. If he falls off, it is someone else’s turn. Much hilarity, and the odd broken shoulder ensues.
Snapdragons
Apparently this is the best game ever to play on Christmas Eve. Make sure you have the fire department on speed dial though. Very popular from the 16th to the 19th centuries, Snapdragons has explicably declined in popularity.
Gather everyone around the dining room table, place a large flat dish in the center. In the dish scatter a good handful of raisins then pour on top a layer of brandy or cognac. Set fire to the brandy and dim the lights. Players take turns plucking a raisin out of the burning liquid and eating it quickly. For a more competitive edge to the game use larger dried fruit such as apricots, one of which has a lucky coin stuffed inside.
Equipment needed: plate, matches, raisins, brandy, and the address of nearest fire department.
* * *
I could easily have added another fifty items even more stupid than these but life’s too short. I’ve decided that every story about Christmas and every weird tradition that’s been adopted any where on the planet is nothing more than a large steaming pile. I give up. When it comes right down to it Christmas is no more legitimate than Kwanza. I’d love to be around in a hundred years or so to see what Kwansa morphs into. They’ll always be a herd of idiots who’ll believe almost anything they’re told by just about anyone. I wonder if this country will ever be invaded by Kwanza believers with bombs strapped to their chests, angry that their religion is being disrespected. It could happen. I’m also glad I won’t be here to see it.
MERRY EFFING KWANZA
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