Archive for the ‘diet’ Tag
š¦TURKEY DAYš
The human body is an amazing organism. It can create miracles by healing itself to survive unbelievably nasty injuries. That doesn’t change the fact that it can also be truly disgusting as we all know. Today’s Thanksgiving post will review some gross facts about the human body and the things that it has the ability to produce after eating a turkey and all the side dishes. A little gross but what isn’t. This should be on your mind as you chow down on your big meal today. LOL
URINE
The average person produces approximately 3 pints of urine a day. In the normal adult the bladder rarely holds more than about 3/4 of a pint of urine, with the urge to urinate coming at the 1/2-pint mark. More than one pint causes pain and an intense urge to urinate immediately.
FUN FACT: In Roman times gladiators would brush their teeth with urine and then gargle with it too. They believed it was good for their gums.
SPIT
Most people produce approximately 8 cups of spit a day. It’s produced by three sets of salivary glands around the mouth area. That works out to about 50,700 pints produced in the average human lifetime. Thats enough to fill a couple of large swimming pools.
VOMIT
In humans very often after one person begins vomiting, it triggers vomiting in others (emetophobia). Compared to other animals, humans are relatively light on vomiting. Big vegetarian whales vomit every 7-10 days to help get rid of anything inedible they may have swallowed by accident. Dogs not only vomit frequently, but they’ll also eat their own vomit. Probably the most vomitus animals, however, are cows, who digest otherwise in edible grass by regurgitating it into their mouths, chewing it for a bit, and then swallowing it over and over again.
FUN FACT: Emetophobia is the fear of vomiting and of being around others who are vomiting. It is the fifth most common phobia according to the International Emetophobia Society.
SNOT
Snot is a defensive function, stopping for example germs, dirt and pollen from getting into your lungs. The average person produces approximately 1/2 pint of snot per day. When you sneeze, up to six pints of air is blasted out of your lungs at approximately 100 miles per hour, along with any germs you may be carrying at the time. Sneezing is also the main way that illnesses like colds and flu are spread among humans.
FECES
If you add up all the time spent eating and drinking by an average human over the course of their entire life, it comes to approximately 5 years. This adds up to 33 tons of food, which is equivalent to eating six entire elephants. Unfortunately, what goes in must come out. Most of that mass is water that you lose through sweating, breathing, and peeing, or carbon that you breathe out in the form of carbon dioxide, while a lot of the rest goes into making new bits for your body that need replacing. The result is that during your lifetime you will produce a pile of feces about the size of a car.
FUN FACT: According to the World Toilet Organization, the average person visits the toilet approximately 6-8 times a day, or 2500 times a year, and spends three years of their life sitting on the toilet.
EAT UP, ENJOY YOUR MEAL, AND GO NAP ON THE SOFA!
Itās time for a little update.Ā My life will seem utterly boring to some of you but I donāt really mind.Ā Itās actually boring to me at times as well.Ā Since the holidays have passed things have fallen back into what we consider normal.
The weather has turned warmer and that 38 inches of snow is mostly gone since weāve had three or four days of steady rain.Ā Itās the normal January thaw and we actually look forward to it each year.Ā Yesterday I was quietly sitting in my favorite reading chair when I heard a loud crash that shook the entire house.Ā I first thought it was another small earthquake but decided to check outside the house for any other possible problems.Ā Silly me, another on of our January gifts had arrived.
Having three or four feet of snow buildup eventually places a serious load onto the structure of the house.Ā Once the weather warms up a little all of that ice and snow thatās been compacting on the roof for two months begins sliding off.Ā I know it doesnāt sound like a big deal but we have a large house with an equally large roof.Ā The roof accumulated approximately 8 inches of ice and another 8 inches of partially melted snow.Ā When it let goĀ it shook the house and spilled off the rear of the building into the yard.Ā There is no doubt if that amount of ice and snow were to hit a person they would be dead almost immediately.
I walked out back and discovered that my spring chores would now include replacement of the handrails on the back stairs.Ā The ice and snow landed with a crunch and smashed the handrails into small splinters.Ā It sounds bad but almost every year the icefall crushes those rails or anything else in itās path.Ā Thank God itās down and no longer a danger to us or our visitors. It just another wonderful little gift from Mother Nature.
My broken leg situation has greatly improved.Ā I climbed back on the treadmill wearing both an ankle and knee brace three weeks ago and got back to work.Ā It took almost three weeks of daily workouts to get my injured leg back to normal size.Ā I needed to build quite a bit of muscle very quickly.Ā The knee is improving as well and it appears there was no permanent damage.Ā Iām almost back to the level on the treadmill that I had reached before the injury.
The weight loss program is back as well and Iāve reach a total loss of thirty pounds.Ā The leg injury really screwed up things for a while but Iām back on track finally.Ā Ten more pounds to go and then I can ease up a little.Ā Iām now wearing clothes I purchased many years ago that I never was able to wear at the time.Ā Life is good, so far . . . .
Here’s a little heads up for all of you. I just checked the national observances for September and was somewhat disappointed. I guess it’s official, September has nothing to offer, it just sucks. Contact your local politicians, write letters to Obama, alert the effing media because September needs an official designation besides being "Suck Month".
I guess I sound a little cranky today because I am. I’m in my seventh week of my new exercise and diet program and I’m hungry enough to eat the southbound end of a northbound mule. I’ve come to realize in the last seven weeks that an addiction to sugar is even worse than my former addiction to cigarettes.
I wasn’t a believer until I began this program which requires me to eat as little sugar as possible. I’ve always been a choc-o-holic with a sweet tooth that kept me eating huge amounts of sugar as often as possible. Life was good as long as I got my daily dose of chocolate, candy, or pastries.
After being advised by my doctor to eliminate sugar from my diet completely I never expected it to be so difficult. He directed me to start reading the labels of the things I’d been eating as well as the things I planned to eat. Ignorance was bliss to be sure. Every damn thing has some kind of sugar in it and it’s almost impossible to eat something healthy and actually sugar free. The cravings started almost immediately and increased with each passing day. It was making me a little crazy and I turned into a cranky and mean SOB that my better-half was ready to kill. I was forced to withdraw a little from her because I was on edge and picking fights with her about really stupid stuff. I knew it was happening but couldn’t really control it very well. It took almost five weeks before I physically began to feel a little better.
When I quit smoking in 1985, I did it "cold turkey" after being motivated by a panic attack I thought was a heart attack. Even then the worst of the physical cravings for nicotine passed within two or three weeks. I guess the solution to my problems is to take up smoking candy cigarettes.
I’m doing well now and have learned to almost not hate my treadmill. I’ve walked at a good pace for more than thirty-five miles and am starting to feel physically better. I’ve lost almost seventeen pounds so far but still have a ways to go before I’ll be satisfied.
It’s going to be a long winter but at the end of it I will be thinner, trimmer, and healthier. In my opinion that’s a pretty good trifecta.
Itās been an interesting few weeks for me starting with my annual doctorās visit. They always try to put a good spin on things until the very end of the visit. Everythingās fine, everything looks good, the blood tests were perfect except for āone little thingā. Iām a little paranoid of doctors on a good day but when you here āone little thingā you just hold your breath because you know something bad is coming.
It wasnāt a major catastrophe but worrisome none the less. Iām in the diabetes danger zone with my blood sugar and steps need to be taken to remedy the problem immediately. That entails being placed on a no sugar and no carb diet. What that really means is I’ll never be able to eat a decent meal again or at least for quite some time. The upside is that if Iām able to lose enough weight I’ll be able to stop taking 90% of the prescription medication Iām currently taking for blood pressure and cholesterol. The doctor was rather adamant about his instructions which convinced me to pay close attention and do what Iām told for once. Since my father died from diabetes related problems itās time for me to wise up and get with the program. No more sugar, no more carbs, reduced dairy, reduced portions, and a minimum of twenty minutes of vigorous walking a day.
My first step was to inform my better-half who as always is there for support. My second step was making a trip to the local Sears where I found a treadmill that would fill my requirements. With Winter approaching, walking on the roads becomes problematic and I hate being required to drive any distance to a gym. It was delivered a week later and thatās when the fun begin. Being the cheap bastard that I am I refused to pay $75.00 to have it built. Three hours later I had it in place and operational. For most of my life Iāve played sports of one type of another but never ever used a treadmill. I was able to use it experimentally for a day or two without killing myself.
Itās now almost two weeks later and Iām on my way to being a treadmill expert. This treadmill makes things very easy to do and gives me the ability to track heart rate, incline, distance, and much much more. Iām doing approximately 35 minutes a day at a medium speed walk. Having a television in the room has made it even easier. Starting tomorrow Iām going to do two thirty minutes sessions a day. Iām already down almost ten pounds in the first three weeks. Thatās a little fast but what the hell, itās all good.
My goal as set by the doctor is a fifteen pound loss by February and an additional fifteen pounds by next August. Then Iāll be lean and mean and hopefully medication free. Itās a goal worth reaching and could add ten years to my life. Iām good with that.
This has been one helluva week. One more fact that will help you understand what I mean by that statement is I hate doctors, hospitals, blood tests, and personal examinations. I can put up with a nurse every once in while but only as potential dating material. If past history tells me anything itās stay away from nurses. The last nurse I dated (SLEPT WITH) had a tank of nitrous oxide next to her bed and spent every other stroke huffing on it with a face mask.
This week began with my blood tests. Normally it’s just one tube of blood used to check whatever. Because of Obamacare my doctor of ten years has given up his practice and now I’m once again "fresh meat" for the "new guy". He needs four tubes of blood so he knows where I’m coming from. That’s his statement not mine. My previous doctor had a lab as part of his practice where I could easily get blood drawn but not this "new guy". I was forced to get out of bed much earlier than I like, drive forty minutes to the hospital, to stand in line behind thirty other idiots. I felt like a freaking day laborer. A young lady called me into her room, sat me down, stuck me in the arm, sucked out the blood, and walked away shouting "Next!" at the top her lungs. Nothing like personal service.
Four days later I returned to the doctors office for my annual physical. The "new guy" arrived forty minutes late as I sat in this telephone booth sized room in my hospital gown freezing my nuts off. He looks about twenty-five years old and he’s from Peru. His accent was minimal, thank God, and I could understand almost everything he had to say. One handshake and he opens his laptop and begins to take notes. My computer file covers more than twelve years, two surgeries, and four colonoscopies but he has additional questions. I felt like I was on Jeopardy and I’m sure Alex Trebek would have been more fun.
He first tells me that prostate exams are for the most part unnecessary and then bends me over the table and shoves his ever so long latex covered finger right up my ass. No dinner, no chit chat, no wine, just "wham bang, thank you man". For such a little guy he has quite the large digits.
An hour later and we’re still doing paperwork so I can have another colonoscopy in December (MY FIRST XMAS GIFT) and an introduction to my new mandatory diet. I found out in short order that going forward I’m only permitted to eat rabbit food and drink black coffee. Read the labels he tells me, no fat, no calories, no dairy, no candy, no sugar, no soda, no flavored water, and no smoothies. The translation to that line of BS is I will never be permitted to eat anything that tastes good or even has flavor of any kind ever again.
A pat on the head, a "nice to meet ya"’ and he scampers away. A nurse hands me the date for my next appointment and I’m out the door and back on the street. That hour and a half probably will cost me upwards of $500.00 including the blood work up and a hundred of that will be out of pocket. Isnāt life just freaking wonderful?
Now I get to wait six more months for another hour of quality time with the "new guy" which will probably consist of stepping onto a scale to measure my weight loss. Really, canāt I just call it in? That would then only cost $495.00.
Shoot me now!
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