Archive for the ‘fun’ Tag
This blog was intended to supply the masses with “everyuselessthing” I could find. There are also thousands of so-called “trivia experts” out there with knowledge of thousands upon thousands of other strange and odd facts. It’s a true challenge for me to search out a few that even the experts may not have heard before. Here are ten items that were new to me, and I hope new to them as well.
- The name of the monster in Mary Shelley’s 1818 novel was not “Frankenstein” but “Adam”.
- According to Ian Fleming’s writings, James Bonds favorite alcoholic beverage wasn’t a vodka martini (shaken not stirred) but bourbon. Of the 317 drinks consumed, Bond drank 37 bourbons, 10 bourbons and branch water, and seven bourbons and soda, but only 19 vodka martinis.
- Although the deerstalker hat is almost a trademark of Sherlock Holmes, he never wore one. Nowhere in Sir Arthur Conan Doyles four novels and 56 stories is the hat ever mentioned. The belief that Holmes wore such a hat can be traced to Sydney Paget, an illustrator for Strand Magazine. Paget, who liked deerstalker hats and wore them himself, produced drawings inaccurately depicting Holmes wearing one.
- The official name of the bed created by the Murphy Door Bed Company was not called a Murphy Bed but an In-A-Door bed.
- The monkey wrench was named after its inventor, Charles Moncky.
- The rock group America was actually formed in England.
- The specific English word for a group of kittens is not litter, which can designate animals of different species, but Kittles, or Kindle.
- Table tennis was invented not in China but in England, where it was originally played with balls made from champagne corks and paddles from cigar box lids. English engineer James Gibbs introduced the celluloid ball.
- The person who invented the electric chair was a dentist. In 1881, Dr. Alfred Southwick, a dentist from Buffalo, New York, saw an intoxicated man touch a live electric generator, which promptly killed him. Thus, the electric chair was born.
- In slang Italian perfume describes garlic.
A special thanks to Ted Nugent for this quote.
As a human being we all have likes and dislikes. I like computers, science fiction, books and especially really well-done sarcasm. I’ve posted many times about sarcasm, and I’ve listed all of the reasons why I’ve used it over the years and how it has benefited my life. I’m going to share with you some examples of sarcasm which might help clarify things and possibly help you to better understand it. Here we go . . .
- ENLIGHTENMENT is a deeper, more transcendent understanding of life that usually hits about a quarter of a second before you die.
- EQUALITY is the noble principle of fairness and equal representation for all, as evidenced on television by the fact that Hispanic people get to play all the domestics, African Americans get to play all the gang bangers, and Asians get to play all the convenience store owners.
- EXECUTIVE is a distinction given to certain bathrooms, denoting that those allowed into them are, unlike the rest of us, able to produce defecation that smells like fragrant fields of flowers.
- EXTREME is often used as a preface to imply that everything from your energy bar to your facial tissue is that much more kick-ass.
- FAMILY is a group of people you spend eighteen years having dinner with every night before realizing you have plenty of better things to do.
- FEMALE is a person whose ability to generate human life pisses men off to such an extent that they decided to pay them anywhere from 5-25% less for doing the same job they do.
- INTIMIDATION is using fear to browbeat or coerce. A tactic often employed by Marine boot camp drill instructors, Mafia enforcers, and people trying to sell you a quality preowned Kia.
- LEATHER is a type of material that when worn as a jacket helps even a bad-ass biker look like a member of the Village People.
- SOCIAL NETWORKING is a way of imagining that you still have social skills and can network even though you are surgically attached to your computer and never leave your house.
- SHAME is the realization that nobody else thinks the thing you were caught doing was as wholesome as you thought it was.
There you have it, a few prime examples of what sarcasm really is. Here’s a challenge for you, write a paragraph full of sarcasm and then read and explain it to the person who you are in a relationship with. It will undoubtably be a real learning experience for you both.
Here’s something I’m often called but trust me, it isn’t Sarcasm.
GEEK
(Either someone who bites the heads off chickens or anyone who is inordinately obsessed by a particular area of interest such as computers, science fiction, books, and sarcasm)
As I sit here this morning looking for inspiration for this post I received a text message from my grandson. He just received from his parents his first real phone and he immediately reached out to me with a typical text from someone his age (11). It consisted of about 60 rows of poop emojis with a short sentence, “My gift to you LOL.” I’m not sure why it is that kids love talking about farting and pooping exclusively but it seems to be something trending online as well these days. Tick-Tock is full of farting individuals blasting away in crowded street scenes. I have to admit it’s incredibly funny and apparently poop humor starts at a very young age. Hoping that the “little shit” (no pun intended) will someday read this post and learn a few more disgusting facts about poop he needs to know.
- People often fart shortly after they die.
- The most germ laden place on your toilet isn’t the seat or even the bowl. It’s the handle.
- The average healthy adult expels between 100 and 200 grams, almost half a pound, of feces every day.
- More than 6.5 million Americans have fecal incontinence – the inability to control the passage of stool – and most of them are women.
- Americans used 36.5 billion rolls of toilet paper every year, which represents at least 15 million trees.
🧻🧻🧻
- Most people produce 1 to 4 pints of gas and pass it approximately 14 times per day.
- The foul odor of flatulence comes from intestinal bacteria as it releases gases that contain sulfur and, in some cases, methane, one of the greenhouse gases responsible for global warming.
- Adolf Hitler suffered from chronic flatulence, for which he took anti-gas pills.
- 40% of the world’s people have no toilet, and must use the bathroom in any public place they can find: bushes, roadsides, alleys, etc.
- In a humid environment like the bathroom, a single bacterial cell can multiply into 1 billion cells overnight.
🚽🚽🚽
Well, there you have it folks, everything you never wanted to know about poop and its related activities. And a special thanks to my grandson (the poop specialist) for his inspiration.
💩GO, GO, GO💩
I’m not what anyone would consider a rabid sports fan. I love the NFL and the Pittsburgh Steelers, but I still can’t sit for three hours to watch a game filled with constant annoying commercials. I now rely on Facebook to supply me with recaps on Monday morning. I was for many years a huge fan of the Pittsburgh Pirates but that eventually faded away due to an organization afraid to spend money on exceptional players. They seem to have improved in this area this year, but I’ve been fooled before . . . so color me skeptical. One thing I’ve always loved even more than sports was any good limerick. I searched out a few samples about sports and I found them to be just as enjoyable as any sports event on television.
A showoff whilst skating on ice,
Turned a difficult somersault (twice).
He bounced on his head,
Spat out six teeth and said:
“I must try that again- it was nice!”
💥💥💥
I hit every home run we score,
I catch every catch and what’s more,
I aint missed a game,
You may not know my name,
But I’m up here in row eighty-four.
💥💥💥
I played a few times for the Yankees
(Though, as memories, I’ve tried to blank these).
I did what I could,
But I wasn’t much good,
And my antics had fans grabbing hankies.
💥💥💥
A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire “blind” out of malice.
While the ump had fits,
The team scored eight hits,
And a girl in the bleachers called Alice!
🏈🏐⚾🧢
GO STEELERS
I went out early this morning to do a little food shopping and I noticed something that’s been bugging me for a while now. It seems to me that people these days are just criminally boring. One of the few pleasures that I’ve had over the years has been locating and reading funny bumper stickers. Those types of bumper stickers are damn hard to find anymore and I’m not sure why. I guess we can thank the WOKE generation for all of those good influences (that was sarcasm). The only thing you see these days are decals on their rear windows telling the entire world how many kids they have, what pets they have, what sports they like, and what schools they attend. It’s like a shopping list for perverts and pedophiles.
One of my favorite things when I purchased a new car was to always find just the right bumper sticker. Many years ago, I purchased a cute little orange Gremlin. It was a cool little car, and I immediately chose an appropriate bumper sticker that said, “Honk If Your Horny.” I received lots of comments from a variety of people and it was always good for a chuckle or two. I once loaned that car to my sixty-five-year-old very Catholic mother for her weekend shopping trip to Pittsburgh. When she got home, she couldn’t wait to tell me how friendly the people in Pittsburgh were because they were honking and waving to her wherever she went. I didn’t have the heart to tell her about the bumper sticker, but she eventually found out. Funny, she never asked to borrow that car again.
I just never see those interesting kind of bumper stickers anymore. Here are a few samples of bumper stickers that are still out there but they’re few and far between. Most drivers these days are deathly afraid of offending someone. So, with that being said, here are a few you might enjoy but be careful about who you show them to, they might get offended.
I’m looking for true love, but I’ll settle for cheap sex.
Ask me if I care.
Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go everywhere.
Love is a four-letter word.
If your phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.
See Dick drink. See Dick drive. See Dick die. Don’t be a dead Dick.
Nobody’s ugly after 2 A.M.
Fight Crime. Shoot Back.
Ask me. I might.
It is as bad as you think, and yes, they are out to get you.
HAPPY MOTORING
I always make a point of searching out odd facts from as many sources as possible. Today’s list is what this blog is really all about, totally useless information and totally useless statistics. Some are humorous and some are silly but never doubt my ability to come up with useless information that has absolutely no value whatsoever.
- Thirty-nine percent of women who think their legs are fat still wear short skirts.
- In seventy-five percent of American households, the women manage the money and pay the bills.
- If the population of China began walking past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
- There is a lawsuit filed every thirty seconds in the United States.
- Approximately 30,000 Americans are injured by toilets every year.
- Forty-five percent of cat owners buy holiday gifts for their pet.
- A four-year-old child asks an average of 437 questions a day.
- The average American spends eight years of his life watching television.
- The average human produces 50,000 pints of spit in a lifetime – the equivalent of two small swimming pools.
- The average person over the age of 50 will have spent a year of their life looking for lost or mislaid items.
“I think about this fact every time I eat a gummy.”
The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
🥇🥇🥇
“On the whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.”
(The last words of W.C. Fields)
It’s a slow day here in Maine, it’s raining, it’s gray, and I need something to make me smile. I decided to share some of those things with you. Enjoy!
- A couple just got married, and on the night of their honeymoon before making passionate love, the wife tells the husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” The husband, being shocked, replies, “How is this possible? You’ve been married three times before.” The wife responds, “Well my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was . . . Oh, do I ever miss him!
- An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden, the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells, “SUPER PUSSY!” The old man says, “I’ll just have the soup.”
- The old man went into the confessional and told the priest, “Father, I’m 81 years old and married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to 2 18-year-old girls. Twice!” “I see,” said the priest. “When was the last time you were in confession?” “Never”, Father,” replied the old man, “I’m Jewish.” The priest asked, “So why are you telling me about it?” The man answered, “Hell, I’m telling absolutely everyone!”
- Thor, the God of Thunder, assumes mortal form, comes down to earth on a Friday night and goes to a singles bar. He ends up going home with a beautiful woman and they spend the weekend in her place making passionate love, over and over again. Come Monday morning, Thor decides to reveal his true identity, saying, “I am Thor!” The woman looks at him and replies, “”Your thor! I’m so thor I can hardly pith.”
Q. What doesn’t belong in this list: meat, eggs, wife, blow job?
A. Blow job: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a blow job.
ARE YOU SMILING YET?
Is there anyone out there who doesn’t think the media is a problem these days? I do miss the days of reading newspapers because there were so many inaccuracies and misstatements, it was fun just to search them out and have a laugh or two. Now if we want to read a newspaper you got to go online and sign up for their website, fill out a form with all of your information, and agree to accept all the crappy spam they decide to send you. Then they can and will sell your information to damn near anyone. In the past I’ve made a lot of fun of the written media only because there’s so much information out there that’s worth a laugh or three. Apparently, the worst job you can have in written media is being an editor. It’s also apparent from the information I’ve been reading that if they have editors, they aren’t all that bright. Here’s a short selection of headlines from newspapers and I cannot believe any alleged editors were doing their job. Here we go . . .
- Statistics Show That Mortality Increases Perceptively in the Military During Wartime What editor in his right mind let this one slip through?
- Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter Unbelievable!!!
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted We live in a time of geniuses.
- NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach I wonder if he’s required to wear a robe for that.
- Never Withhold Herpes from Loved One There some good dating advice . . . NOT!
- If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly It May Last a While Another Rhodes scholar.
- Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency Thanks to the tobacco lobby for this one.
- Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier than Clean Ones, Study Shows Another genius observation.
- Fish Lurk in Streams This might be great for a Bass Pro Shop logo.
GOD HELP US ALL
- Seventy percent of Swedish women claim to have participated in a threesome.
- Every year more than 11,000 Americans hurt themselves trying out bizarre sexual positions.
- The average person spends two weeks of their life kissing.
- Forty-six percent of women say a good night’s sleep is better than sex.
- Elvis Presley called his penis “Little Elvis.”
- The sperm count of American men is down thirty percent from thirty years ago.
- Americans spend more money each year at strip clubs than that all the theaters and classical concert halls in the country combined.
- In ancient Greece and Rome dildos were made out of animal horns, ivory, gold, silver, and even glass.
- Only thirty-one percent of men admit to looking at other women when in the company of their spouse or girlfriend. Their partners say the figure is actually closer to sixty-four percent.
- In ancient Rome, men found guilty of rape had their testicles crushed between two stones as a punishment.
And here’s one of my all-time favorite sexual facts: Four popes have died while participating in sexual acts.
(and)
I was perusing through my library this morning when I accidentally tripped and fell back into the 1980’s once again. It always amazes me just how different the sense of humor in the 1980’s compares to now. With that thought in mind I hope you enjoy these little pearls of humor. Cmon, yuck it up a little.
What’s the difference between a gynecologist and a proctologist? Their point of view.
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
Why in the traditional wedding picture is the groom in a chair and the bride is standing? Because he’s too tired to get up, and she’s too sore to sit down!
What’s worse than picking up the soap in an Army shower? Playing leapfrog in the Greek Navy.
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Four. One to screw it in, and three to discuss how it’s so much more gratifying than with a man!
What does the sign inside of whorehouse say? “No smoking! Use a lubricant!”
What’s a loud wet dream? A snorgasm!
What happens if a young couple mixes up their Vaseline and putty? All their windows fall out!
What’s the easiest way to get a date with a “10”? Ask out two “threes” and a “four!”
What do you get when you cross a donkey with a jar of peanut butter? A piece of ass that sticks to the roof of your mouth!
GIRLS STILL WANT TO HAVE FUN!
everyuselessthing.com 