Archive for the ‘fun’ Tag
I know I’ve been promising a post of really extreme limericks. I’ve hesitated because of the kids who might read this blog when their parents aren’t paying attention. Some limericks are written just for kids, funny ones for everyone, suggestive ones for others, and then comes the dirty, naughty, extra naughty, and last but not least the downright filthy. I’ve been taking this process slowly until I can find a way to post the really filthy ones but until then I’ll give you a few naughty ones to wet your limerick whistles.
😏😏😏
There was a young man from Dumfries
Who said to his girl “please,
It would give me great bliss
If, while playing with this,
You would pay some attention to these.
😜😜😜
An old archaeologist, Throstle,
Discovered a marvelous fossil.
He knew from its bend
And the knob at the end,
T’was the peter of Paul the Apostle.
🤩🤩🤩
There was a young fellow named Menzies
Whose kissing sent girls into frenzies.
But a virgin, one night,
Crossed her legs in a fright,
And fractured his bi-focal lenzies.
🤣🤣🤣
A gay man who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued a lot
About who should do what,
And quite how and with what and to whom.
HAVE A GREAT WEEK
The Egg? Over the years I’ve come to love eggs and eat them as often as I can. Sometimes as an entre and most times added to other dishes. Even though after all these years there’s still certain groups of alleged experts who insist that eggs are unhealthy. To them I give the “one finger salute”. So now we know I love eggs, but I found out recently that eggs have always been the topic of conversations both good and bad for hundreds if not thousands of years. Human beings are superstitious about everything it seems, even the egg. Here are just a few examples.
- In the far past eggs were not only a protein source but a source of all magic. They were the universal symbol of the beginning of life, fertility, and resurrection. To watch a baby robin pecking its way out of an eggshell remains an awesome experience.
- It is bad luck to bring a bird’s egg into the house.
- The yellow yolk of an egg had the power to cast out the evil eye. Egg worshiping cults existed on Easter Island and in numerous places in South America. Ancient Egyptians believed the one supreme life was in the egg. This belief was expressed in their hieroglyphics for their sun god Ra.
- Many superstitions about eggs still exist, especially in rural areas. One such belief is that if you see many broken eggs, you will soon have a lawsuit on your hands.
- If you find a snake’s egg in a hen’s nest, your friends are really your enemies.
- If a woman dreams of eggs, she will quarrel with her friends.
- Two yolks in one egg means good luck for the one who eats them.
- Eggs laid on Fridays will cure stomach-aches.
Eggs were never a superstition for me, but I did have a quirk or two concerning them. I still refuse to hang out in any bar that doesn’t have a large jar of pickled eggs available. I no longer drink beer but there was many a time I topped off a cold Iron City beer with a raw egg. Tasted great and slid right down.
WHO DOESN’T LOVE EGGS?
The limericks for today relate to accidents – more or less fatal. They are basically “G” rated but will certainly help you start your day with a smile. Enjoy . . .
💀💀💀
There was a young fellow named Hall,
Who fell in the spring in the Fall.
T’would have been a sad thing
If he died in the spring,
But he didn’t – he died in the fall.
💀💀💀💀
There was a young man of Herne Bay,
Who was making explosives one day.
But he dropped his cigar
In the gun powder jar.
There was a young man of Herne Bay.
💀💀💀💀
There was a wee girl named Estrella
Who owned an enormous umbrella.
Till one day in a gale
With lightning and hail
The umbrella went up with Estrella
💀💀💀💀
When a jolly young fisher named Fisher
Went fishing for fish in a fissure,
A fish, with a grin,
Pulled the fishermen in.
Now they’re fishing the fissure for Fisher.
💀💀💀💀
IT’S MONDAY, START THE WEEK WITH A LAUGH OR A GIGGLE
I love the English language. There are so many strange and interesting euphemisms that I could spend the rest of my life searching through. I recently stumbled onto a list of 228 euphemisms for sexual intercourse. Of course, I won’t be listing them all but here are ten you might find interesting or humorous.
- Play Pickle-me, Tickle-me
- Pray With the Knees Upward
- Trade a Bit of Hard for a Bit of Soft
And last but not least, here are ten euphemisms for sexual arousal: To Be Hot in the Biscuit, To Be Dripping for It, To Be Rooty, To Be in Season, To Be Constitutionally Inclined to Gallantry, To Have Peas in the Pot, To Be Hunky, To Be Affy, To Be Mashed, and finally To Be Primed.
WELCOME TO THE SEXUAL SIDE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
How about I just throw a little of everything your way on this fine Friday morning. I’ll start with a few apparently unedited newspaper headlines. I certainly hope the editors that approved these don’t get paid too much.
War Dims Hope for Peace
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Next on my list for today are a few retro bumper stickers. They seem to make more sense than these headlines did.
I Don’t Break for Pedestrians
Learn From Your Parents Mistakes-Use Birth Control
I’m Not a Complete Idiot-Some Parts are Missing
He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest
See, I told you they were better than the headlines. And last but not least, a quote you should be glad you didn’t make. I’m not a fan of either Nancy Pelosi or Barabara Boxer but the award for the stupidest quote goes to Barabara. She won by a nose.
“Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, “Thank God I’m still alive.” But of course, those who died – their lives will never be the same again.”
CALIFORNIA IS SO PROUD
I thought today was the perfect time for your weekly dose of limericks. Today’s selection is categorized as “Little Romances”. I hope you like them.
1941
There was a young lady of Arden,
The tool of whose swain wouldn’t harden.
Said she with a frown,
“I’ve been sadly let down
By the tool of a fool in a garden.”
😜😜😜
1943
I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude,
I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her.
🤣🤣🤣
1882
There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who remarked to his girl, “you’re a tight one.”
She replied, “Pon my soul,
You’re in the wrong hole.
There’s plenty of room in the right one.”
😏😏😏
1941
A lady while dining at Crewe
Found an elephant’s whang in her stew.
Said the waiter, “Don’t shout,
And don’t wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too.”
😷😷😷
HAVE A LIMERICKY DAY
I just found out that the White House appears to be haunted and has been for some years. I love thinking about the Carters, Clintons, and Bushes being visited in the wee hours. Oh, if it were only true. Here are a few reported incidents that truly tickle my funny bone.
- You as we’ve learned in our history lessons in school, Pres. William Henry Harrison became ill at his inauguration and died from pneumonia on April 4, 1841, just one month after taking office. Harrison’s translucent ghost has been seen throughout the White House but primarily in the residential areas. It appears to be looking for something and walks through closed doors.
- If you like to hear about a happier ghost, go to the Queen’s bedroom the White House where President Andrew Jackson’s ghost can occasionally be seen. Since in life he was known as quite the ladies’ man, the Queen’s bedroom at that time was reserved for female guests of honor.
- During World War II that same Queens bedroom was called the Rose room and was where Winston Churchill once stayed. He encountered the ghost of Abraham Lincoln standing in front of the fireplace with one hand on the mantle, staring down at the hearth. Always a quick wit, Churchill said, “Good evening Mr. President, you seem to have me at a disadvantage”. According to Churchill, Lincoln smiled at him and disappeared.
- When Queen Wilhelmina of the Netherlands stayed in the Queen’s bedroom in 1945, she was awakened by noisy footsteps in the corridor outside her room. When the Queen finally opened her door, she was face-to-face with the specter of Abraham Lincoln. She said he looked very much alive and was dressed in travel clothes including top hat and coat. The queen gasped, and Lincoln vanished.
- It appears that Abraham Lincoln refuses to leave the White House. His apparition has been seen clearly by hundreds, including Eleanor Roosevelt’s maid, sitting on a bed, removing his boots. Calvin Coolidge’s wife saw Lincoln’s face reflected in the window in the Yellow Oval Room. I thought it was tough to get rid of the Clintons but Lincoln’s just being ridiculous.
- Abigail Adams did her laundry and hung it out to dry in the White House’s East Room. Her ghost appears regularly and is wrapped in a shawl.
- Dolly Madison was the designer of the Rose Garden. When Woodrow Wilson’s second wife Edith, ordered gardeners to dig up the garden for new plants, Dolly’s apparition appeared and allegedly insisted that no one was going to touch her garden. You should know that to this day those roses remain exactly as they were when the Madisons lived in the White House in the early 1800s.
Well, all of these entries should tell you something but I’m not quite sure what. The White House is either filled with dozens of ghosts that refuse to leave or everybody that hangs out in the White House is delusional. I’m not a big believer in ghosts but to hear all these stories makes me wonder more than I usually do about politicians and their vivid imaginations.
HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE FOR HILARY TO RETURN? . . . OOOOOOH, SCARY!
I’m still contemplating whether to post those extremely lewd limericks I’ve been talking about for weeks. At some point I’ll be forced into a decision but not just yet. How about a few that aren’t quite as disturbing. Here are a few prizewinners about virgins.
There was a young virgin named Alice
Who thought of her puss as a chalice.
One night, sleeping nude,
She awoke feeling lewd,
And found in her chalice a phallus.
😏😏😏
A lisping young lady named Beth
Was saved from a fate worse than death.
Seven times in a row,
Which unsettled her so
That she quit saying “No” and said “Yeth”.
😜😜😜
There was a young fellow named Biddle
Whose girl had to teach him to fiddle.
She grabbed hold of his bow
And said, “If you want to know,
You can try parting my hair in the middle.”
🤣🤣🤣
A girl named Alice, in Dallas,
Had never felt of the phallus.
She remained virgo intacto,
Because, ipso facto,
No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
😘😘😘
That should keep you limerick lovers calm for a while until I make my final decision. I’ll probably have to come up with some kind of a warning paragraph with flashing lights to ensure no children read the wrong limericks. I’m still working on that and trying to keep my better-half from kicking my ass. She’s a bit of a prude.
THIS IS A GOOD WAY TO START YOUR DAY
I thought for this post I would reintroduce Number Freaking. If you like statistics and far out and freaky explanations of numbers, this is it. I posted about it a number of months ago and the response was excellent. It just goes to show how many freaky people are hanging around out there reading this blog. Enjoy!
WEATHER
- On average there are 40-60 flashes of lightning somewhere in the world every second. 1.58 billion lightning flashes are estimated to occur each year on this planet.
- At any given moment there are an estimated 2000 thunderstorms occurring worldwide.
- There are an estimated 5,844,000 thunderstorms that occur each year.
- It is estimated that 695,000,000,000,000 (trillion) gallons of water are unleashed by thunderstorms annually. To put that into a better perspective, Lake Michigan contains 1300 trillion gallons, Lake Huron 935 trillion, and Lake Ontario 433 trillion.
TELEVISION
- One of the most expensive pilot shows on American TV was Lost, costing $12 million and the plane that provided the wreckage on the beach cost the production company $200,000.
- The total running time of the TV series Friends was 99 hours and 10 minutes (238 episodes). The final episode recorded 52.5 million viewers which is somewhere between the populations of South Korea and Italy.
- And for those of you who love The Simpsons their total running time amounted to 139 hours and 35 minutes.
ANT INVASION
- The total number of ants on earth is estimated to be in the area of 826.8 billion tons.
- It is estimated that there are 300 million trillion ants on the earth (that is 300 quintillion – followed by 20 zeros).
- The highest estimate of the total number of insects on earth is at six septillions. That’s 6 trillion trillion – followed by 24 zeros).
MISCELLANEOUS
- Money depreciates in value over time. Allowing for inflation a dollar from 1867 was worth about $12.50 in 2005, and a dollar from 1624 at least $20.41.
- In 1867 Alaska cost the United States, $7.2 million. In modern dollars this would amount to $90 million.
- In 1624 the island of Manhattan was purchased from the Indians for $24. In modern dollars that would convert to $489.84.
Isn’t “Number Freaking” just the best. Its definition explains everything simply and it’s easy to understand. “Number Freaking is something we do because we have a brain, it’s jazz math, the accountancy of the absurd, forensic speculation, surreal calculation, the art of playing with numbers just because we can.”
THANK YOU, GARY RIMMER
A few weeks ago, I posted about some language oddities called malaprops. To quote a reader who responded to that post, “Those things are like fingernails on a blackboard to me.” So, I thought today would be a good day to run some fingernails over that same blackboard, just for the fun of it. This time I’ll give you a list of malaprops written by grade schoolers, high schoolers, and a few college geniuses. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.
- Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
- The walls of Notre Dame Cathedral are supported by flying buttocks.
- Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
- Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
- People have sex, while nouns have genders.
- Christmas is a time for happiness for every child, adult, and adulteress.
- Most words are easy to spell once you get the letters write.
- The bowels are a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y.
- The climate of the Sahara Desert is so hot that certain areas are cultivated by irritation.
- The United States Constitution was adopted to secure domestic hostility.
YOU GOTTA LUV OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM
everyuselessthing.com 