Archive for the ‘fun’ Tag
‘Gaius Julius Caesar’
Today is the day every year that I remember good old Julius Caesar. The Ides of March will forever be known as an evil day thanks to him and all of his so-called friends. Stabbed twenty-three times upon arriving at his work place at the Curia he was left to die alone on the sidewalk. It just goes to show how far we’ve come as a society because these days we’ve made some major improvements on how to murder someone. If Caesar was to be murdered today it would be by two hooded gentlemen driving by in a mini-Fiat firing a couple of Tech-9’s at him. He’d still be just as dead but it would have been done so much quicker and efficiently. So for today “All Hail Caesar”.
Now let’s move onto something almost as interesting as a dead guy. SEX! I’ve been on a roll in recent weeks with trivia postings because I love trivial facts. I also love sex so it only seems right that I offer up some sex related information. Here goes nothing.
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The average size of an erect penis measures between 5 and 6 inches, while the average size of a flaccid penis is about 3.5 inches.
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Many of the ingredients in chocolate are proven to cause arousal similar in effect to sexual foreplay. In fact, some experts believe chocolate may be even more effective than foreplay for sexual arousal.
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Historical records show that even in 1850 B.C., women attempted to practice birth control. The most common method was a mixture of crocodile dung and honey placed in the vagina in the hopes of preventing pregnancy.
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Although nearly any body part or item of clothing may be an object of sexual fetishism, the shoe and the foot are the two most common fetishes in Western society.
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Just a decade ago, only 25% of women reported experiencing orgasm as a result of intercourse. In recent years, this number has risen to about 45%. In contrast, over 80% of women report experiencing orgasm though oral sex.
It’s no wonder I’ve been addicted to chocolate my entire life. Instead of foreplay just gobble down a handful of M&M’s and get busy. Also I will verify that feet can be sexually arousing. I’ve been a foot lover since day one and damn proud of it. And last but not least to both men and women I say “Hooray for Oral Sex” and “Boo!” to crocodile dung and honey. Yuck!
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The vibrator, a common sex toy for women, was originally designed in the nineteenth century as a medication to combat the anxiety-related symptoms of “hysteria” (now known as menstruation).
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Throughout the United States, approximately 4% of the population self-identifies as gay, lesbian, or bisexual.
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During 30 minutes of active sex, the average person burns approximately 200 calories.
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On average, adult men think about sex every seven seconds.
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Approximately 1% of people worldwide identify as asexual (having no strong sexual attraction to either sex).
I think about sex every seven seconds? I might have to disagree with that fact. I think it’s way more often that that. Ask any guy! If I recall my basic facts on weight loss it takes a reduction of approximately 2000 calories to lose a pound of weight. If that’s true then having intercourse ten times would also work. I’m sure you could lose a lot of weight doing it that way but you might miss a few days of work here and there.
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Statistics suggest that approximately one in every five Americans has indulged in sex with a colleague at work.
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Approximately 70% of people in the U.S. admit to fantasizing about group sex at some point in their life, and more than 50% of those people actually follow through.
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One report states that 48% of women have faked an orgasm at least once in their life. Interestingly, an identical 48% of men also report faking an orgasm at least once.
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Since AIDS was first diagnosed in 1981, more than 25 million people have died as a result of the virus. Two million people died from AIDS in the year 2007 alone.
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Statistics show that approximately 90% of men and 65% of women masturbate from time to time.
Group sex appears more popular than I thought. The masturbation numbers were surprising. I thought you women out there were keeping up but I guess I was mistaken. Shame on all of you, so get to work ladies.
This is my favorite tidbit and could possibly explain my obsession with wine. After I drink enough of a favorite Chardonnay my behavioral responses can get pretty interesting. Especially if I eat a huge chunk of chocolate along with it. LOOK OUT!
HAVE A HAPPY IDES OF MARCH
‘Before’
‘After’
I’m exhausted. This morning I’m feeling exceptionally lazy and with little or no effort I could stay in bed all day. This is truly the downside to Christmas if there is one.
Yesterday’s celebration took a lot of thought and planning from both my better-half and me. It was worth every minute we spent preparing. Everyone had a great time, received an abundance of gifts, and ate until they couldn’t eat on more thing.
It all began with what I’m sure will become an ongoing Christmas tradition. Everyone received a goody bag and in the top of each bag was a can of Silly String. It took just a few seconds for the adults to open the cans and let the strings fly. The grandkids weren’t familiar with Silly String and were pretty much covered with it before they could get their cans opened. It was the perfect way to set the tone for the day even though the cleanup took a little longer than we thought.
Two hours later the room was filled with torn tissue papers, ribbons, empty boxes, and a lot of laughter. As you can see Christmas is a messy proposition if done properly.
‘I think there’s a kid under there somewhere.’
Then it was into the kitchen to complete the food preparations and to get that big fat bird ready to eat. The meal went without a hitch and we all left the table fat, dumb, and extremely happy. As we vegged out in the living room it was time for viewing everyone’s favorite Christmas movie, A Christmas Vacation. Since almost everyone in the family has the best lines memorized we could have turned off the sound . . . but we didn’t. Then began the continuous stream of funny and sarcastic comments about the movie which were endless.
I was one of the first to call it a day but my better-half wasn’t far behind. It was a great day for everyone concerned and I’m sure they all slept as soundly as we did.
I hope your holiday was as enjoyable as ours. Now it’s on to New Years with all of it’s silliness.
Hey! . . . someone! . . . where’s my coffee?
Well for the first time in over a year I missed a day I had scheduled for blogging. I’m as surprised as you are but that old adage of “sh*t happens” happened. I normally post on one day then workout the next and so on and so forth. I became a bit confused and distracted and lost track of the days when our out-of-town visitors were here. It wasn’t until after they left that I realized my error. So enough of that, let me get on with things.
We had such a good time with our visitor’s I’m not sure where to begin. We spent one afternoon in Kennebunkport doing some shopping and having dinner at Federal Jack’s restaurant. A couple bowls of clam chowder and a plate of fried clams were followed by massive platters of fish and chips. Wash that all down with a couple of incredibly excellent Goat Island Light beers and your good to go. So we went.
‘The best fried clams ever.’
The tourists have all fled southern Maine leaving the towns somewhat deserted as reflected by these photo’s:
‘In season.’
‘Off season.’
Federal Jacks just happens to be located directly above the original Shipyard brewery. Of course it’s mandatory with my better-half to complete any trip to Kennebunkport with a stop there too. It’s her own private Hajj.
A fun time was had by all. The food was delicious and the beer cold and refreshing. We took a slow leisurely ride home through Kennebunk where the streets were clogged with parents and costumed children enjoying their Halloween night festivities. We arrived home safely and enjoyed a good night’s sleep.
My next post will be day #2 of their visit where we spent a good part of that day playing tourist in the city of Portland.
We’re in the midst of one beautiful Indian Summer and we all hope it lasts all the way to Thanksgiving.
A lot of people that know me really don’t know me as well as they think. I’ve been described by many over the last few years as nothing more than an old fart. While some of them do it jokingly other really seem to mean it. They don’t understand that underneath all of this sarcasm and rapier wit resides a very sensitive person who’s feelings can be easily hurt just like everyone else.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining only stating the facts. As of this late date I feel the only people close to me that really “get me” are my two grandsons aged three and six months. They came to visit last night for a few hours while their parents enjoyed a night by themselves away from the madness of child rearing.
‘The house looked like a Toys-R-Us exploded.’
My first job was to spend a half hour with grandson #1 chasing him around the house and generally irritating the hell out of my better-half. For a change I had a partner in crime which allowed me to misbehave a great deal more than usual and to blame it on him. We ran around the house throwing and bouncing balls in every room until he got bored, I got tired, and she got angry. Our fun night was just beginning.
I spent the next hour helping him empty out the toy box which left toys and trucks everywhere. I sat and mindlessly helped him build things and destroy other things. He made me his official play-pal when he gifted me with an honorary plastic dinosaur. The way he presented it to me made me feel like I’d just won an Oscar. He was very serious about it and it apparently held a great deal of meaning for him. I was really honored.
‘And the winner of this prestigious award is . . . . ?’
We then took a break from the action by sitting on the couch with his little brother. That little guy just makes me feel good all over because all he does is smile and giggle. I played a little paddy cake with him which I hadn’t done for more years than I care to remember. I have to admit it felt pretty good.
I’m a person who loves to eat, a true foodie, and when dinner came around I found out we’d all be eating from the three year olds menu. Since he’s partial to fish sticks, guess what, we had fish sticks. The last time I had a plate of fish sticks was more than four decades ago. That first bite took me back to age ten in one giant mouthful. It tasted exactly as I remembered and that was pretty cool.
The six month old downed a mug of thawed out mothers milk and crashed on the sofa next to me. The three year old finally ran out of his endless supply of adrenaline and fell asleep rather quickly on my chair. Even an exciting Mickey Mouse movie on Netflix couldn’t keep him awake. Unfortunately for me I’ll be singing and humming all of those catchy little tunes for the next week. The curse of Walt Disney.
‘An full hour of this is almost unbearable.’
Once they were all asleep my better-half and I returned to our reality, a cold drink and a little peace and quiet. These babysitting nights are always a lot of fun but also a little strange at times. If my mind wanders for just a moment all of a sudden I’m six years old again and playing with my childhood friends. It must be true what they say, everything we experience in our lives is stored somewhere in the brain and comes out when we least expect it.
I look forward to their next visit and the little bit of time travel that it offers.
How many of you live in the northeastern United States and have never gotten up close and personal with a desert. I assume most people only have that opportunity if they live or visit the southwest. I found out his week that my assumption was wrong. Who knew I’d find a desert right here in Maine.
Yesterday my better-half and I were as usual out roaming around the state taking photographs. As we were cruising south on the interstate we saw a sign that said Desert Road. Never hesitating to explore we exited the expressway and drove a few miles west into the woods. What do we find? This!
Right smack dab in the middle of a huge pine forest is a fifty acre desert with sand dunes and everything. We couldn’t resist checking it out and immediately coughed up $20.00 for the grand tour. Of course the better-half was off to the gift shop to buy postcards and other weird items for her family members. I was finally able to drag out of there, through the building, and out the backdoor to the tram.
‘This is a tram.’
It’s amazing to me how this desert was initially formed and the sand is still forty feet deep in spots with dunes as high as ninety feet. There’s even a sign along the tour route where an old Spring House once stood before being buried by the shifting sands. Here’s an old photo showing the final days of that building.
‘Then’
‘Now’
The visit to the desert was fun and informative but as always the better-half was irritated that there were no live camels to ride. She’s never happy! I found this one but we couldn’t come up with a workable solution to get her in the saddle.
Then it was back on the road, stopping for a decent lunch, and then home. I’ve finally made my first and hopefully last visit to a desert. I really do hate the heat but fortunately this desert was a moderate 85 degrees and even I could handle that.
I also have to tell you that sitting on the tram can be treacherous. Some little darling left a gob of gum on the seat that stuck to my ass like glue all day. Just “be careful out there . . .”
As I began thinking about posting this blog as I awakened this morning it was 4:10 am and I was barely human. You need to understand something, I am not a fisherman. Nonetheless I was up and on my way for a day of deep sea fishing and thank God for Dunkin Donut’s Coffee.
We arrived at Camp Ellis, Maine, stowed our cooler on the boat and were off to begin the day at 6:00 am. Even though I’m not a fisherman I really love being on the water regardless of the reason. Weather-wise it was the perfect morning. It was nice and cool with a light breeze and forecasters were calling for a bright and sunny day. For once they were right on target.
My nephew and better-half were all fired up and ready to go and it didn’t take long for their fishing lines to get into the water. We made a quick stop over a large school of mackerel to fill the live bait tank and then proceeded to our first fishing spot. The two of them caught almost forty mackerel in fifteen minutes.
Our guide brought us to one of his favorite fishing holes and within the first hour my better-half snagged four good sized stripped bass and one dumb ass seagull. The stupid bird insisted on diving into the water and was hooked trying to steal her bait. Fortunately he was captured, manhandled, and immediately released. He should have stayed ashore at the nearby McDonalds and had a breakfast of french fries like all of his buddies. Birds can be so stupid.
I normally don’t post photos of friends and family on the blog but in this case they are demanding it. Here they are with their prizes.
A fun day was had by all but we still were happy to return home for a quick shower, a short nap, and to relax until those big fat steaks that I’ll be cooking later were ready to eat. I think we all need many more days like this one. This day was the perfect example of the proverbial “mental health day”. It was fantastic.
With New Year’s approaching I’ve begun to think about my resolutions for 2015. In preparation for the new list it only makes sense to review last year’s resolutions. It might be necessary to use a few of them that I failed to live up to again this year.
2014
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Read five books a month. COMPLETED
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Teach the grandson one curse word per month once he begins talking. He still isn’t talking enough to complete this one. FAILURE
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Keep the number of F-bombs below 100 a week. COMPLETED
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Drink less brandy than last year but more than next year. COMPLETED
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Spend less than $300.00 at Dunkin Donut for the entire year ($25.00 per month). . . . as of 12/28/2014 $391.32. BIG FAILURE
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Stop dancing naked near the picture window in the living room, it scares the neighbors. I managed to stop the dancing but not being naked seems impossible for me. FAILURE
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Fight to my last breath to keep chickens and goats from becoming part of my life. COMPLETED
Four completed out of seven seems pretty good to me but I need to improve that next year. I’d really like just once to complete all of them but I always seem to get sidetracked with other stuff. I may need a few easy ones for 2015 that won’t require me to work so hard. With that thought in mind here is my new list.
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I vow to exercise for forty-one minutes every other day for the entire year.
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I vow to call President Obama nasty names only during months with an "R" in them.
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I further vow to never say anything good about President Obama in months without an "R".
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I vow to never blurt out any F-Bombs in front of the grandson now that he has started repeating damn near everything.
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I vow to say many more F-Bombs around those people (except the grandson) who irritate, annoy or piss me off.
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I vow to stop flirting with just anyone. There are times when I feel like such a slut and that’s not always a good thing for my self esteem.
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For the third year in a row I vow not to prance naked anywhere near the front picture window. It creeps out the neighbors and one or two of our regular joggers.
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I also vow not to screw with my cat as much this year due to his advanced age and sharp claws.
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I vow to take at least 500 really good photographs a month.
I’ll do my first review of these new resolutions sometime in June. Hopefully I’ll be on track to complete every one for the first time. As always the road to hell really is paved with good intentions.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
It’s Christmas Eve and our visitors have come and gone. It was a an afternoon and evening of relaxing, catching up, and snacking ourselves into submission. We’ll be having a huge dinner of turkey and all the trimmings tomorrow so it was decided tonight to just snack.
A large plate of cheeses (habanero is my favorite, of course) crackers, a few pounds of shrimp, cookies, veggies, and drinks all around. We all participated in an excellent X-Box bowling tournament and a few games of darts. Then we settled in for the movie of the night, Guardians of the Galaxy, and it was a fun and entertaining movie. The grandson was mingling with everyone and watching Mickey Mouse on his mother’s cell phone. It really is nice being around a true Santa believer for a change.
It’s later now and they’ve all just left for home. Getting the little guy to sleep will be the real Christmas miracle tonight. We all need to get some rest because tomorrow will be another very long day. It’s my turn to prepare the bird and my better-half is supplying her favorite family stuffing recipe for her kids. I should be one helluva meal.
We’ll be exchanging gifts around midday with the dinner to follow. So I’m off to bed to read a few chapters of one of my favorite detective novel. I have a collection of those novels on my e-reader and they help me get to sleep almost every night.
For those of you who celebrate your holiday on Christmas Eve, have a Merry Christmas. I’ll have a few additional pictures to post of our Christmas on Saturday and then it will be on to New Years.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
In this installment we’ll continue our journey through the huge crowds of people and make our way to visit the huge crowds of animals. I couldn’t possibly post all of the animal photos I took. The number and variety was amazing and the better-half made sure we saw each and every one of them. Here’s a montage:
‘Shave and a haircut.’
‘Llamas, I’m not a big fan.’
‘Clean as a whistle.’
‘Huge !!!’
If the Fair were held a little closer to our home I suspect we’d spend multiple days just roaming around the animal barns. Attending the many events where animals are displayed for judging would easily take an entire day. We were a little pickier this year in what we attended but as always because of my better-half’s love of pigs we took these pictures.
‘One happy pig.’
‘Many happy piglets.’
It’s now approaching the noon hour and we made our way to a small grandstand to watch the skillet throwing contest. I’m a big fan because the contest is a tongue-in-cheek throwback to the good old days of farm shows. I’ve captured a number of entrants as they tossed their skillets into the air but the last one was the big winner of the day. She was also the returning champion from last year’s Fair and to be as kind as possible she was more than a little scary.
‘Going . . . .’
‘Going . . . .’
‘ Gone !!!!, The winner and still champion.’
I took a quick picture of this guy who was either bored to death or just plain exhausted. He was sitting on his four wheeler with hundreds of people walking by and was dead asleep.
I knew exactly how he felt because it was the same malady that struck me as I sat listening to this Country and Western group while my better-half wandered around on her own shopping for more Fair junk.
My final installment from the Fair will be posted in two days and will include a variety of random shots taken throughout the day. Lots of food stops shopping kiosks, and hours of people watching. Come back to visit.
My body is talking to me this morning and it isn’t all that happy. Fryeburg Fair Day has come and gone for another year leaving us walking wounded behind. I’m going to post our Fair Day over the next few days because I have a lot of photos I’d like to share which should help give you a real feel for the place. The ride to Fryeburg was uneventful but the closer we got to the fairgrounds the more the traffic increased as you can see.
Being the simple person that I am I thought I’d start our day at the main entrance to the fairgrounds. This is one of the few events where I don’t mind paying a $10.00 entry fee. It’s worth every penny of that $.80 an hour it’s costing me. That’s a good deal anytime.
Yesterday was a day of smells. Twelve hours of smelly crowds, really smelly animals, and the aroma of deep fried everything. If you ever wanted to deep-fry a particular item, you could find a booth selling it here at the Fair. There’s nothing like the smell of old and hot cooking grease at 8:30 in the morning.
‘You don’t see signs like this too much anymore.’
If you like crowds this is the place to be. I’ve been coming to this event for seven years and my better-half for almost fifteen. In our opinion the crowd today is the largest either of us have ever seen. The fact that it’s Woodsmen Day is probably part of the explanation. It’s the day for axe throwing, log rolling, tree climbing, and an assortment of other events for the wannabe lumberjack. If you like beards and flannel shirts this is where you need to be.
I’m not sure exactly sure just how large the fairground is but with all of the campgrounds surrounding the place it must cover at least 100 acres or so. That’s an uneducated guess so those of you from Fryeburg who may be reading this shouldn’t get your panties in a knot if it’s a little inaccurate. To put it simply, the place is huge !!!!!
We normally start our visit with the area set aside for the little kids. Pony rides and small merry-go-rounds right next door to Old McDonald’s petting zoo. The little ones seem to love getting in there for a little "hands on" with the baby animals.
‘They love milking the plastic cow.’
Before doing anything else we stopped for our traditional Fair Day breakfast meal. A large order of greasy French Fries, vinegar, and ketchup will certainly get the old heart started on these cool Fall mornings. Another hour or so of wandering around is next on our agenda before we head for the animal barns. My better-half waits all year to return here to visit all of her animal friends. I swear she must have been born a farmer in a previous life. My next posting will offer up an assortment of animal pictures and a few other interesting events like the skillet toss.
That’s it for today, installment two will post in 2 days and if you have an interest in farm animals, stop back to visit.
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