I thought I would try something different today. We all love limericks mostly because they can be naughty, dirty, and lewd and yet still funny. I’ve made a point of posting a number of limericks in recent weeks written by children that were Rated G and they were well received. I’m going to take it another step further today by introducing you to a number of limericks written by adults for children (circa 1965). They are clean and clever and funny. Most kids love or hate school, so let’s make these limericks about school and college. I hope you enjoy them.
I thought a little silliness would be in order on this slow Sunday. I’m expecting a gorgeous warm and sunny day for a change, and I plan to enjoy the hell out of it. Here are a few things that might tickle your funny bone.
RETRO BUMPER STICKERS
I MAY BE FAT BUT YOUR UGLY
!@#!*&$%
GO AHEAD, MAKE MY DAY
THERE ARE 3 KINDS OF PEOPLE: THOSE WHO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN; THOSE WHO WATCH WHAT HAPPENS; AND THOSE WHO WONDER WHAT HAPPENED.
And finally, more dumb-ass crooks. This one explains how not to handle dangerous weapons.
In Wichita, Kan., police officers staking out a convenience store inadvertently unnerved two men parked innocently at an adjacent liquor store. According to police, a 19- year-old man in the car had a gun and thought that since police officers were nearby, he ought to get rid of it, but in the process of pulling it out of his pocket, he accidentally fired one round, which hit him in the leg, went through the front seat, and hit his 20-year-old companion. According to police Capt. Paul Dotson, the officers on stakeout, who had until then ignored the liquor store, had their attention engaged by the gunshot and the gun owner’s limping out of the car and throwing the gun over a fence. The shooter was charged with illegal possession of a firearm, and his companion was treated at a hospital and released without charges.
A few days ago, I was digging around in the garage and going through some old boxes of what I thought were useless items. I came upon a book that was printed in 1985 which contained a host of one-liner raunchy jokes along with a few truly stupid riddles. Since a few of my family members continue to mumble and grumble about some of the so-called tasteless limericks I post, let’s see what they think about a few of these “oldies but goodies”.
What happens if a guaranteed condom breaks? The guarantee runs out!
How do dogs make love? Everybody nose!
Why did they name the new feminine hygiene spray ” S.S.Y.”? Because it takes the “PU” out of pussy!
Why did Donald Duck divorce Daisy? Her quack was too big!
What’s better than watching a girl wrestle? Seeing her box!
What’s a French chastity belt? A catcher’s mask!
Who’s the world’s greatest athlete? A guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest!
What’s the definition of a lady? Someone who doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, and only curses when it slips out!
Why did the Greek take his wife on his business trip? Because he couldn’t leave her behind alone!
What’s the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and a skinny girl? A counterfeit dollar bill is a phony buck!
Well, there you have ten of some of the worst jokes I’ve ever heard. Everybody’s always saying how much they loved the “good old days”, but not me. I think it’s time to take this book and put it back in the box in the garage and hopefully in ten more years maybe it will be funny, but I doubt it.
I thought today we might start the month of June with a collection of limericks. This is what can be called a double dose because these limericks were written about limericks. I know it sounds confusing, but you’ll get the gist once you start reading. Enjoy . . .
The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I’ve seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
😷😷😷
If you find for your verse there’s no call,
And you can’t afford paper at all,
For the poet, true born,
However forlorn,
There’s always the lavatory wall.
😉😉😉
The limericks callous and crude,
It’s morals distressingly lewd.
It’s not worth the reading
By persons of breeding,
It’s designed for us vulgar and rude.
🥴🥴🥴
Oh limericks, Dr. Jekyll’s oblivious,
Till his alter ego is delirious.
Then it can’t be denied
Such rhymes by Mr. Hyde
Will be lecherous, lewd and lascivious.
🤪🤪🤪
That’s it for today. Keep checking in on a daily basis because I’m planning a full week of limericks that will definitely not be acceptable to the younger generation. Let’s call it “Questionable Limerick Week”. I’m compiling the list of limericks as we speak.
After requesting limericks from readers yesterday I really didn’t expect too much of a response. Much to my surprise at 1:15 am I received the following limerick from an anonymous reader. The email was a one liner, “Here’s my favorite feminist limerick.” And here it is just as received:
There was young lady of Wheeling
Who professed a lack of sexual feeling.
But a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
I love anything that makes me laugh out loud and this limerick did. I’m not sure who exactly emailed it, but it has a definite female feel. What do you think?
And to end this post on a fun note, a happy yet stupid newspaper headline.
I’ve rounded up a few more limericks written exclusively by the youngest generation. I’m constantly amazed just how well they construct their limericks. When I was their age, I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to match their skills. Enjoy . . .
Belinda Kellett – Age 8
There was a young lad he named Tony
Who ate plates of fried macaroni.
He got very fat,
But he didn’t mind that,
‘Cos, he bounced when he sat on his pony.
☘☘☘
Audrey Freeland – Age 12
There was a young fellow called Fred
Had an elephant sit on his head.
Where the elephant sat,
Fred’s head grew quite flat,
But Fred didn’t care, he was dead!
☘☘☘
Christine Tailby – Age 7
There was a young lady of Leeds
Who was constantly doing good deeds.
As she bit her young brother,
She said to her mother
“I’ll bind up the wound if it bleeds!”
☘☘☘
Ron Rubin (Unk Age)
As he shrugged and made room on her tuffet,
He whooped: “You’re my lunch, dear Ms. Muffet!”.
Then the monstrous tarantula
Began to dismantle her,
And that’s how Ms. M came to snuff it.
😃😂😁😀😉🙂😛
If any of you happen to have a favorite limerick, email it to me at (everyuselessthing2@yahoo.com) and I’ll post it. Better yet, if you write your own just sent it along and get credit for your work. Don’t be shy, everything here is done just for the fun of it.
I was awakened at 2:30 this morning by one of those annoying Mother Nature calls. I visited her briefly and upon returning to my bed, tried to fall back asleep. During those few minutes of half-sleep some of the words of the following limerick popped into my head. I made a quick note in my cell phone and went to sleep. This morning a did a little editing and the finished limerick was born. I have absolutely no idea where or why it came to me but here it is. This is for all of you limerick and nursery rhyme aficionados.
❤JACK & JILL❤
Jack and Jill climbed up a hill on Nantucket.
He brought a few condoms and she an old bucket.
The bucket was tossed, and Jill’s virginity was lost,
This will be a short and sweet posting today. Spring/Summer has arrived with a huge bang now that the weather has turned warmer. Family obligations come first since they’re mostly about the grand kids anyway. Last evening my better-half and I attended our first little league ballgame to support our grandson. This is a league for 7–9-year-old future all-stars and it’s a real hoot to watch these kids as they try to figure the game out. Most barely know how to swing a bat, let alone having enough arm strength to throw a ball to a base. It’s getting them on the field and teaching them the beginnings of playing as part of a team. This is baseball at its absolute best. There were about 20 kids in their fabulous new T-Shirts, a host of moms and dads and brothers and sisters, and about ten million effing mosquitos to drive us all insane. That visit will keep us both in the good graces of grandson #2.
Grandson #1 will be taking the field in a day or so in a league of older kids. I can’t wait to see him at bat since I was his unofficial batting coach in his younger days. More fun baseball, more black flies, and more mosquitos. Being a baseball fan and a grandparent is almost a full-time job and we both love it.
Unfortunately, the blog will suffer a bit. I may miss a few days here and there but hopefully not too many.
Let’s start this silly post with another really stupid headline. I’ve always wondered how much the headline writer’s get paid and are they ever fired for these kinds of mistakes. They probably never get fired; they’re usually promoted to Editor.
COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
Let us move onto another of my favorite categories, Retro Bumper Stickers. I’m pretty sure my better-half still has the second one on her current car.
YOU! Out of the gene pool!
Don’t Drink and Drive – You Might Spill Your Beer.
As always, I like throwing a quote into the mix. Here’s a pearl of wisdom from Coco Chanel, one of the hottest women ever (in her 20’s & 30’s).
Her Best Look!
“The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.”
And last but not least, an honorable mention to another of our favorite stupid criminals.
NOT ALL THERE
Oklahoma City – Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. The Assistant District Attorney said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, “I should have blown your [expletive] head off.” The defendant paused, then quickly added, “-if I’d been the one that was there.” The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence.
Now that Mother’s Day has come and gone, let’s look into something a bit more musical. Everyone seems to love music of one sort or another, so why don’t we all try to enjoy some music related limericks.
everyuselessthing.com 