Archive for the ‘Humor’ Tag
Today is a good a day as any to look back through history to find some strange rules, laws or customs. In the past I’ve shown some seriously strange laws still on the books in this country. Now let’s take a trip back into history look at some of their foibles because in truth some of theirs are way stranger than ours.
- It was once proposed in the Rhode Island legislature in the 1970s that there be enacted a two-dollar tax on every act of sexual intercourse.
- A law was passed in England requiring all corpses to be buried in a wool shroud, thereby extorting support for Britain’s flagging wool trade. The act was repealed 148 years later, in 1814.
- The average age of Elizabethan and Jacobean brides was about 24 and their bridegrooms around 27. The primary reason for delayed marriages was to limit births among poor people. The higher the social status, however, the younger the age at marriage.
- As in Abraham’s time, it was the custom among men in Rome, when swearing to tell the truth, to place one’s right hand on one’s testicles. The English word testimony is related to this custom.
- When a Chinese bystander ashore was killed accidentally by a cannon salvo of greeting from an English ship, during the early days of the China-Western trade, the English were forced to turn over to China the hapless gunner, who was promptly strangled.
- The Tinguian people of the Philippines have their own way of kissing. They put their lives close to each other’s face and quickly inhale.
- In 1853 Illinois passed a law that required any black entering the state and staying more than 10 days to pay a fine of $50. If he could not pay, the black could be sold into slavery for a period commensurate with the fine.
- Over the centuries, playing cards have been put to strange uses. They became the first paper currency of Canada when the French governor, in 1685, use them to pay off some war debts. In 1765, the year of the Stamp Act, when every pack of playing cards was being taxed one shilling, they were also used for class admission at the University of Pennsylvania. Napoleon even used them as a ration cards during the French Revolution.
- The town of High Wycombe in Buckinghamshire, England, carries on the multi-century custom called the “Weighing-in Ceremony.” In early May, the town’s mayor, mayoress, deputy town mayor, deputy mayoress, town clerk, and district counselors representing wards in the town’s boundaries are weighed in order to learn if they have grown fat at the public trough.
ISN’T HISTORY ENLIGHTENING?
It’s Sunday which is supposed to be a day of rest. Short and sweet today with a few limericks written by kids and for kids.
😎😎😎
Consider the poor hippopotamus,
His life is unduly monotonous.
He lives half-asleep
At the edge of the deep,
And his face is as big as his bottom is.
🙄🙄🙄
There was an old man of Peru
Who dreamt he was eating a shoe.
He awoke in the night
With a terrible fright,
And found it was perfectly true.
🙃🙃🙃
A visitor from Outer Space
On arriving presented his case.
“Earthlings? Inferior!
My race? Superior!”
Tripped up and fell flat on his face.
🤪🤪🤪
An elephant never forgets,
Neither messages, shopping nor debts.
He can hold in his trunk
A whole cartload of junk,
And the little ones make super pets.
I can’t tell you how many times in my life that I’ve been assured by so-called experts that things were good and ten minutes later another so-called expert is screaming “doom and gloom”, it’s damn confusing. It’s amazes me how many experts or so-called experts exist especially when discussing sports. Let’s look into sports a little and listen to the real experts.
BASEBALL
- “If Jesus were on the field he’d be pitching inside and breaking up double plays. He’d be giving high fives to the other guys.” Tim Burke, Montréal Expos pitcher
- “They shouldn’t throw at me. I’m the father of five or six kids.” Tito Fuentes, National League infielder
- “I am a four-wheel-drive pickup type of guy. So is my wife.” Mike Greenwell, Boston Red Sox outfielder
FOOTBALL
- “Man, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl.” Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach
- “I don’t care what the tape says. I didn’t say it.” Ray Malavasi, St. Louis Rams coach
- “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” Joe Theismann, player/commentator
BASKETBALL
- “Left-hand, right-hand, it doesn’t matter. I’m amphibious.” Charles Shackleford, North Carolina State player
- “I have won at every level, except college and pro.” Shaquille O’Neal, former Los Angeles Laker player
- “A lot is said about defense, but at the end of the game, the team with the most points wins- the other team loses.” Isaiah Thomas
SOCCER
- “If we play like that every week, we wouldn’t be so inconsistent.” Bryan Robeson
- “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” Unnamed senior, University of Pittsburgh
- “What I said to them at halftime would be unprintable on the radio.” Gerry Francis
- “He’s one of those footballers whose brains are in his head.” Derek Johnstone
YOU KNOW, I THINK I’M AN EXPERT TOO!
I thought all of you would appreciate a few relatively harmless limericks mainly concerned with anatomical issues. The weekend is in sight and maybe these little ditties will help get you through until then.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
One day, I suppose,
She followed her nose,
For no one knew which way she went.
🥰🥰🥰
There was an old man of Blackheath,
Who sat on his set of false teeth.
Said he, with a start,
“O Lord, bless my heart!
I’ve bitten myself underneath.
😜😜😜
There was an old man of Tarentum
Who gnashed his false teeth ’til he bent’em.
When they asked him the cost
Of what he had lost,
He replied, “I can’t say, for I rent’em.”
😏😏😏
A girl who weighed many an oz.
Used language I dared not pronoz.
For a fellow unkind
Pulled her chair out behind
Just to see (so he said) if she’d boz.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I am constantly amazed as I do my research for this blog. So many facts exist that are different and sometimes strange. It seems that the stranger facts regularly turn out to be true. Here are ten interesting facts you might enjoy.
- The Puritans brought beer to America. According to Mourt’s Relation (1622), the Mayflower Pilgrims settled at Plymouth because supplies, especially beer, were running low. Beer was a dietary mainstay on long voyages because, having been boiled, it was purer than water.
- Despite being made famous by Dutch paintings and Spain’s Don Quixote, windmills originated in Persia before the 10th century.
- At -90°F, your breath will freeze in midair and fall to the ground.
- The word “deadline” originated in Civil War prisons, where lines were drawn that prisoners passed only at the risk of being shot.
- On March 15, 1985, Symbolic.com became the first registered Internet domain. Science-fiction writer William Gibson had coined the term “cyberspace” in his novel Neuromancer only the year before.
- The first film version of Frankenstein was a 15-minute silent film produced by Thomas Edison.
- Inventions that changed how we shop: the cash register (1884), the shopping cart (1936), and the scannable barcode (1952).
- Warren Buffett, legendary investor and self-made multibillionaire, filed his first income tax return at age 13, reporting revenue from a newspaper delivery job. He claimed a $35 deduction for his bicycle.
- Shakespeare coined thousands of new words, or “neologisms” in his plays and sonnets. Among these are: amaze, bedroom, excellent, fitful, majestic, radiance, and summit.
- Dolly the sheep – the first cloned mammal – was named after country singer Dolly Parton. Stockmen dubbed the sheep “Dolly “because she was cloned from a mammary cell.
How many of the ten were you aware of before reading this post? I’m just a little curious. I’ll just bet the real Dolly was so proud she was popping her buttons off. LOL
START NOVEMBER WITH A GIGGLE
Today will be a first for this blog. I’ve covered many and varied topics over the years but today is something special. Today I’ll be discussing cows and cow poop. I’ve heard certain insane environmentalists insist that all of the cows on the planet are affecting the earth due to excessive farting. I think it’s a load of crap (no pun intended) but I suppose I could be wrong. Here’s some additional crap for you to digest (again, no pun intended) to help you make an informed decision.
- There are an estimated 1,294,604,000 head of cattle on Earth. Some are cows and some are bulls but for this discussion let’s call them all cows.
- There are approximately 4.93 people for every cow.
- There is no rule that says all these cows couldn’t potentially be eaten. There also is no rule that says all this meat couldn’t be turned into juicy and delicious burgers. Point of fact, each 850-pound carcass would provide 310 pounds of edible meat.
- Using the above information there are approximately 1,605,308,900,000 (1.61 trillion) quarter pounders masquerading as cows. At 15 cents each, buns for those quarter pounders would cost approximately $240.,000,000.
- These burgers could provide all the 4.472 billion adults on Earth with the maximum calorie allowance for 36 days. To summarize, all the cattle currently on earth could feed adult humanity for five weeks.
- The worlds 1,294,604,000 each cow poops up to 16 times per day and beef cattle produce up to 65 pounds of poop daily.
- Hold your nose for this one. 11,747,273 tons of poop are produced worldwide every day.
- Hold your nose again. Over the course of a year 15,367,758,619 tons of cow poop is produced.
- 2.41 tons of manure per person are produced worldwide annually. This much poop could cover an area two and a half times the size of Rhode Island to the height of a man. P and U !!!!
- Disposing of all this poop is a serious problem. As many as two-thirds of households in the developing world depend on poop as a significant fuel source. Tragically, as many as 4 million women and children are estimated to die every year from respiratory disease triggered by the smoke from wood and poop fires.
Therre it is. Everything you always wanted to know about cows and cow poop but were afraid to ask. My suggestion is for all of us to eat as many burgers as humanly possible and to build a three-story mansion made totally from cow poop. We have to try and be as ecologically respectful as we can if we want to save the world. LOL
COW POOP RULES!
It’s seems to be an appropriate time for a few truths. We get so much BS from the Media and advertisers that many times we really aren’t sure what’s true and what’s not. Let me lay some truths on you today for a change. These are listed in no particular order.
- Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
- Silly Putty was the result of a failed attempt by General Electric to create a synthetic rubber for use in World War II.
- A bank in Vernal, Utah, was built from bricks delivered by the U.S. Postal Service in 1916. The builders discovered that it was cheaper to mail them then to ship them from Salt Lake City.
- Carl Hubbard is the only person inducted into three different sports halls of fame: baseball, college football, and Pro football.
- The final resting place of Dr. Eugene Shoemaker, a geologist, is the moon. He arranged to have his ashes placed on board the Lunar Prospector spacecraft that was launched on January 6, 1998.
- The “Too T TrappeR” is a charcoal filter shaped like a seat cushion that’s designed to silence and deodorizing any unwanted fart’s. It comes in gray or black and makes a rather awkward Christmas gift.
- In days past, the term boner referred to a person who was a textile worker who inserted stays into women’s corsets and brassieres.
- The only marsupial that is native to North America is the Virginia opossum.
- Americans drink 50 times more soda now than they did a century ago.
- It takes about 2,893 licks to get to the center of a typical Tootsie Pop.
- The longest overdue book in the United States is 145 years (in Ohio). The longest in the world is 288 years (in Germany).
- Breast reduction is the fifth most popular plastic surgery procedure for men.
QUOTATION OF THE DAY
“Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans.
It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.”
Lily Tomlin
I’ve been ranting a bit for the last few days about politics and politicians, and I’ve run out of energy. Bitching and complaining is a total waste of time because it gets me nowhere very quickly. Today I’ll return to a topic I love and enjoy, limericks, especially those written by children. They make me smile and laugh out loud occasionally. Politics does not.
By Gareth Owen
Winnifred Gristle could whistle through thistles.
At whistling through thistles our Winn was a dream.
No-one out whistled Miss Gristle,
Winnifred Gristle, the whistler supreme.
💥💥💥
By John Hegley
There once was an organic leek
That had managed to learn how to speak.
At the sight of a knife
It would fear for its life,
And go: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
💥💥💥
By Anon
The daughter of the farrier
could find no-one to marry her.
Because she said
She would not wed
A man who could not carry her.
💥💥💥
By Marian Swinger
Two Dinosaurs strolling arms linked,
Met a little old lady who blinked,
And said, in surprise,
Whilst rubbing her eyes,
“They told me that you were extinct!”
💥💥💥
HOORAY, IT’S HUMP DAY
This is not one of my favorite times of the year. Summer is ending, skies are gray, rain is cold, leaves are dropping, and the runup to the end-of-year holidays has begun. A little depressing to say the least. I can deal with depression but it’s also very annoying. I thought a quick compilation of my major annoyances would be in order and here they are.
- Leave it up to the money hungry retailers to have Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas merchandise already displayed. IT’S OCTOBER YOU MORONS!
- People who insist on talking over me during a conversation makes me want to scream. JUST PLAIN RUDE!
- Every Wendy’s that lists coffee on the menu and then makes me wait until they make a pot. Every time! WORST KIND OF CUSTOMER SERVICE!
- The person in front of me at the express checkout line with an entire cart load of merchandise. ASSHOLE!
- Black Friday was always annoying, but this year should be priceless. They’ve begun advertising it already. CORPORATE GREED!
- Anyone still writing checks at the register in a food store. SHEER STUPIDITY!
- Anyone who has a debit card but can’t figure out how to use it. EXASPERATING!
- People who claim to have something really important to tell me, then send a four-word text message. CALL ME!
- Any person, male or female, who is more than 30 pounds overweight and attempting to slim down by wearing skinny jeans. SO BAD!!
- People who continually bitch and complain about their food and service in a restaurant. STAY HOME!
- Twenty or more minutes of every hour for moronic ads on every conceivable type of device. JUST KILL ME NOW!
- City workers and their gigantic snowplows destroying at least one of my mailboxes every year. IGNORAMUSES!
- People who insist on telling me all about their child who is an honor student somewhere. I DON’T CARE!
- Rear window decals displaying family members and pets. LAME!
A RANT ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER
Here is your daily collection of somewhat interesting useless information. Read, learn, and pass it along to friends, family and coworkers. I’m sure they’ll appreciate receiving them as much as you do receiving it from me. LOL
- Too much coffee can kill you. A lethal dose of caffeine for the average adult is approximately 10 grams, or the equivalent of drinking between 50 and 200 cups of coffee in rapid succession.
- The largest human cell is the female ovum. The smallest is the male sperm.
- Mosquito repellent doesn’t repel mosquitoes. It only blocks their sensors so that they don’t know you’re there.
- Members of the U.S. Congress are the world’s highest-paid legislators.
- The bristled toothbrush originated in China around the year 1498. The bristles, fixed to a bamboo or bone handle, were neck hairs from Siberian boars.
*****
- One of the holiest Christian holidays is named after a pagan goddess. The word Easter derives from the Anglo-Saxon goddess Eostre, who governed the vernal equinox.
- In 1659, the Massachusetts General Court ordered a five shilling fine to be paid by anyone caught celebrating Christmas. The ban was revoked in 1681.
- In his role as James Bond, the super spy, Sean Connery wore a toupee to hide his receding hairline.
- Artists have more sexual partners. Researchers suggest that creative people excel at attracting mates, acting on sexual impulses, and doing more than their share of ensuring species survival because they often display “schizotypal” characteristics which are the positive side of schizophrenic personality traits.
- Wedding rings date back thousands of years. The ancient Romans and Egyptians both believe that a vein called the vena amoria ran directly from the ring finger to the heart.
MORE INFORMATION FROM YOUR FAVORITE “SCHIZO”
everyuselessthing.com 