Sixteen years ago, I was a lonely bachelor living with two ferrets and a cat. Part of my routine at that time was to explore the internet, read blogs, and participate in selected chat rooms. It was about that same time I serious became interested in blogging but was really unsure just how to get started. One of my favorite blogs at the time was called gutrumbles.com. The gentleman that ran that blog was Rob Acid-Man Smith. He captured my imagination immediately because he was brutally honest, totally outspoken with absolutely no filters, and had a great sense of humor. I exchanged emails with him for a time, learned a lot, and I was hooked. That day he became my blog-father. To say he upset a large number of people over the years was an understatement, but he did it with humor and a whole lot of truth. After reading his blog for almost two years I decided to give it a try myself.
My four years of blogging on my first blog were eye opening. I was brutally honest and voiced my opinions loudly and crassly. I spent most of my time complaining about politics, religion, and any other topic that piqued my interest. It was great fun, and the responses were more than just a little interesting. I actually received a number of death threats from idiots around the globe. That was enough to convince me I had more to say and to hell with the critics.
But as with all things age tends to mellow a person. I decided to discontinue that first blog and then created Every-Useless-Thing. Hoping against hope that I could mellow my opinions down a little and make the blog something more than a bitch session. I’ve been doing Every-Useless-Thing now for approximately eleven and a half years and ten months ago I felt myself slipping and losing my edge. A lot of it had to do with my medical issues but it was more than just that. Anytime I felt myself slipping in the past I returned to gutrumbles.com to reinvigorate me. Gut Rumbles continues today at Rob’s request even though Rob passed away in 2006. It was and will always be my “Happy Place”.
Today after that lengthy and boring explanation I’m going to repost an article from Acid-Man’s blog. Hopefully you’ll read his thoughts and then understand where I’m trying to come from. I hope you enjoy a little of Acid Man, because I always have. If you want some good reading, go to his blog and read some of his archives. Here he is!
I have a Southern accent. I drop the “g” off the end of gerunds, so I say talkin,’ climbin,’ smokin,’ and runnin’ instead of speaking standard American English the way Dan Rather does as he lies his ass off on the CBS Evening News.
I say y’all. I have ‘druthers. I know how far yonder is. I know how to see ’bout that. Whatchadoon is a real word to me.
That’s the reason I don’t like to talk on the phone. I sound like a goddam hick. I AM a goddam hick, but I am educated and I can communicate well when I want to. Where I live, everybody understands me just fine when I say, “Whatchadoon? I’d ‘druther ya not go ’bout it that way. Lemme show ya sumpin. Thadded be better, doncha think?” That’s Southern English and it works well in person-to-person communication.
Try that shit over the phone when you’re talking to a yankee. I doesn’t work. The yankee gets all nasal, I talk Southern and the next thing you know, we may as well be from foreign countries. That’s why I would prefer to write to someone I don’t know. I can appear to be halfway intelligent on paper.
I’ve done a lot of thinking about this communication gap. I COULD be like the BC and talk like a yankee at work and sound like the biggest hayseed on the farm at Quinton’s football games, but I’m not a chameleon, able to change my skin color and blend into the scenery the way she can. Everything that woman does is an act and she wears many masks. I’m not built that way. Like Popeye, I am what I am and that’s all that I am.
Sometimes, that’s not the right way to be. Honesty is not always the best policy.
Let’s have a little fun today. While I’m not the greatest sports fan who’s ever lived, I have a deep and abiding passion for baseball. Not listening to or watching games on television (other than the Little League World Series) but actual playing at it for many years. I find watching sports these days is as much fun as watching paint dry. They’re not the same games as they were when I was growing up. All that being said there are certain things about sports that are universal and forever and one of those is the words of wisdom spoken by Yogi Berra. He was a great ballplayer, but his little tidbits of wisdom made him more famous than baseball. I’ve picked up a few of them here and there over the years and then I discovered a gold mine of them in recent weeks. These are the ones I like the best and here they are for your enjoyment. Let’s go…
“This is like déjà vu all over again.”
“You got to be very careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.”
In reference to movie star Steve Queen, “He must’ve made that movie before he died.”
When asked what he would do if he found $1 million, he stated, “I’d find the fellow who lost it and if he was poor, I’d return it.”
“Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical.”
“A nickel isn’t worth a dime today.”
When asked for the time, he stated, “Do you mean now?”
“If you come to a fork in the road, take it.”
“I never blame myself when I’m not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it wasn’t my fault that I’m not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?”
“It ain’t the heat, it’s the humility.”
When asked about his hat size he stated, ” I don’t know. I’m not in shape yet.”
“You should always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours.”
“I take a two-hour nap, from one o’clock to four.”
“You give 100% in the first half of the game, and if that isn’t enough, in the second half you give what’s left.”
“I didn’t really say everything I said.”
Well, there you have it folks. The sport of baseball hasn’t been the same since Yogi retired and passed away. We need more like him in all of today’s sports to keep us aware that it’s just a game for kids. That’s how it was before it became nothing but agents, money, negotiations, social media, media interviews, and a few hundred talking heads who think they have all the answers. They’ve all done their best to ruin “Americas Pastime” and it’s a damn shame.
Wikipedia defines satire as a genre of the visual, literary, and performing arts, usually in the form of fiction and less frequently non-fiction, in which vices, follies, abuses, and shortcomings are held up to ridicule, often with the intent of shaming or exposing the perceived flaws of individuals, corporations, governments, or society itself into improvement. Although satire is usually meant to be humorous, its greater purpose is often constructive social criticism, using wit to draw attention to both particular and wider issues in our society.
All that being said, I love satire and consider it as another arm of sarcasm. The Onion is currently a website dedicated to ridiculing just about everything. It sports ridiculous stories and headlines that make you want to die laughing. The history of The Onion goes back to 1900 which makes the book I just obtained all the more interesting. I now have a huge photo selection of front pages of The Onion dating from January 1, 1900, to January 1, 2000. What better way for a lover of history like myself to chronicle our country, but with satirical headlines from The Onion.
I’ll be starting with the edition dated January 1, 1900. It’s the start of a new century and the headlines are crazy funny and thick with satire.
A NEW CENTURY DAWNS
MCKINLEY USHERS IN BOLD NEW COAL AGE
NATIONS SKIES FILLED WITH BEAUTIFUL, BLACK SMOKE
OUR NATIONS FORESTS MUST BE MINED FOR COAL
WILL MAN-MADE GRIME REACH THE VAULTS OF HEAVEN?
DEATH BY CORSET RATES STABILIZE AT ONE IN SIX
GROWING USE OF DR. SCHEIDT’S PATENTED SAFETY CORSET
AFRICAN SAVAGES TAUGHT WAYS OF CHRIST BY KINDLY BRITISH
BRITISH MISSIONARIES ARE SPREADING CHRISTIAN WISDOM
I’m reasonably sure that the powers-that-be at the time were thrilled with these satirical headlines. Who doesn’t love the freedom of the press and their ability to make politicians and governments in general wet themselves? Thanks goes out to The Onion for making the information available for me to play with.
After posting my resolutions yesterday I found this list on a website (www.ba-bamail.com) that’s loaded with all sorts of humorous jokes, gags, and limericks. Their list of resolutions was funny, but I thought it needed a little of my tweaking. Here is my modified version of their list, a list I know I can really accomplish. I’ll try to complete yesterday’s list, but it’ll be much more difficult than this one.
Put on at least 30 pounds, more if someone pisses me off.
Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
Go commando at all times.
Stop exercising forever.
Let the hair in my nose and ears grow unchecked.
Shave just twice a week, the face is optional.
Watch more pornography.
Never again load the dishwasher.
Procrastinate more.
Do less laundry and use more deodorant.
Drink more – my liver needs the exercise.
Buy more on-line junk from China. I need to be scammed more often.
It’s time for me to switch from my Christmas preparations since it’s almost here, to my annual prep for New Year’s. Since I’m planning to abandon the blog for a few days over each holiday, (24-26 Dec & 31-02 Jan), I thought getting my New Year’s resolutions posted early made a lot of sense. I enjoy making them every year but almost never live up to my own expectations. The important thing is to keep trying. There’s the challenge for you.
“New Year’s Day now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” —Mark Twain
Read a minimum of 50 books this year.
Spend more quality time with the grandchildren.
For the third year in a row (failed three times), I won’t walk naked near the front picture window. It freaks out the bicyclists, joggers and neighbors.
Drink less than last year but more than next year.
Complete the Recipe/Photo book I’ve been working on for years.
“An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.” —Bill Vaughn
Keep the F-bombs to less than ten per day.
Spend less than $50.00 a month at Dunkin Donuts.
Lose 20 pounds of ugly fat.
Complete at least five new paintings.
Be a kinder and gentler pet owner. The cat requested this one.
“New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” —James Agate
Those are my ten official resolutions for 2022. Although as I was surfing the net earlier today, I discovered two more which I’m unofficially adding to my list.
11. I will not act my age.
12. I will not sit in my living room all day in my pajamas. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
“I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.” —Robert Paul
Three garbage men were doing their Christmas rounds and collecting their well-earned Xmas tips and gifts from the grateful householders when they arrived at a pleasant house at the end of a cul-de-sac.
The first garbage collector went up to the door to be met by the lady of the house in very revealing attire, who said, “Oh yes, I know what you want!” as she dragged him upstairs to the bedroom to have her wicked way with him.
A short while later he returned bedraggled to the garbage truck and told his colleague what had happened.
His mate like the idea of some of that so he went to the house where once again the lady appeared, this time in even more revealing attire. “Oh yes, I know what you want!” she said as she dragged him upstairs to the bedroom to have her wicked way with him as well.
Afterwards, he also returned bedraggled to the lorry and told the driver what had happened.
“Hmmm, I’ll have a bit of that!” thought the driver and walked up to the house. The lady opened the door and gave him $5. “Hey!” said the driver, “What about the fun and games you gave my colleagues?” Oh that,” said the woman “You can blame my husband for that.” “What’s he got to do with it?” asked the driver.
The lady answered, “Well, he said to give $5 to the driver and screw the other two.”
Santa comes down a chimney one Christmas Eve and to his surprise finds a gorgeous brunette waiting for him, wearing the sexiest lingerie imaginable. “Santa,” she purrs, “Can you stay for a while?” Santa says, “Ho, Ho, Ho, I’ve gotta go! Have to deliver toys to children, you know!”
She comes close, starts playing with his beard, whispers in his ear, “Santa, don’t you have a gift you would like to give me?” Santa says, “Ho, Ho, Ho, I’ve gotta go! Have to spread Christmas cheer, you know!”
The brunette takes off her straps, giving Santa a view of her breasts and says, “Santa, are you sure there’s no gift you’d like to leave?” Santa says, “Hey, Hey, Hey, might as well stay. I can’t shimmy up the chimney looking this way!”
A remarkable race are the Persians:
They embrace such peculiar diversions;
They make love all day
In the usual way,
And save, till the nights, their perversions.
One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike. The cop says to the young girl, “Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?” “Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.
With a smile on his face, the cop says “Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket. Before the cop rides off, she says “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” Playing along the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”
“Well, next year, tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.”
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