Archive for the ‘off-color’ Tag
With the holiday season in full swing I thought I should offer up some of my own holiday-spirit poetry original written in the 1920’s and 1930’s. A few off-color rhymes to help celebrate this holiest of seasons (sarcasm off) in my own special way. These should be rated “PG” so keep the kids away if you can.
1927
There was a young lady named Maud
A terrible society fraud.
In company, I’m told
She was awfully cold.
But if you got her alone, Oh My God!
1939
There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
but he hadn’t the knack,
And he got too far back
In the right church, but the wrong pew.
1938
There was a young man of high station
Who was found by a pious relation
Making love in a ditch
To – I won’t say a bitch –
But a woman of no reputation.
1940
In the shade of the old apple tree
Where between her fat legs I could see
A little brown spot
With the hair in a knot,
And it certainly looked good to me.
💥💥💥
And here’s my favorite, a salute from my birth year (1946) to all my Texas readers.
A girl named Alice, in Dallas,
Had never felt of a phallus.
She remained virgo intacto,
Because, ipso facto,
No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
❤️❤️❤️
Now that Easter has come and gone, things can get back to normal (scary thought). What better way to follow up an Easter celebration than with a posting of a few rude and borderline bawdy limericks. I would rate these four limericks PG because I certainly wouldn’t want to shock any of those innocent children out there as well as the many prudes who love to comment on them. Here we go.
💥
There was a young man of Missouri
Who screwed with a terrible fury,
Till hauled into court
For his bestial sport,
And condemned by a poorly hung jury.
💥💥
There was a young fellow named Bill
Who swallowed an atomic pill.
His navel corroded,
His asshole exploded,
And they found his nuts in Brazil.
💥💥💥
And then there the story that’s fraught
With disaster – of balls that got caught,
When the chap took a crap
In the woods, and a trap
Underneath . . .Oh, I can’t bear the thought!
💥💥💥💥
There was a lady golfer named Duff
With a lovely, luxuriant muff.
In his haste to get in her
One eager beginner
Lost both of his balls in the rough.
🏌🏻♂️🏌🏻♂️🏌🏻♂️
FORE !!!
After seeing the great response to my recent Cowboy/Western limericks, I decided to expand my Cowboy/Western repertoire to include some western humor that was once appreciated by some of our older generations. To me, funny is funny, regardless of when it was introduced so get out those Cowboy hats, have a cold beer, and give me a huge YEE HAW!
- The worst record ever cut came out of a local Nashville studio. The song is so bad it’s already replaced capital punishment in 15 states. It’s also #1 on the Billboard charts throughout Central America.
- A scientist in Tennessee has spent twenty years studying the mating habits of the Smokey Mountain squirrels. His findings will be released to the public in a new book titled: “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex in a Nutshell.”
- A rancher paid an enormous stud fee for the use of a neighbor’s prize bull. The bull had a choice of twenty lovely cows, but a month went by and nothing happened. Finally, the rancher called his friend and complained. “Relax, “soothed the studs owner. “He’s just not in the moo-o-o-o-d!”
FRONTIER FACT
Since no insurance was available to the early settlers our ancestors really went west in “uncovered” wagons.
C & W POETRY:
There once was a singer name Dolly
Who had loads of great talent by golly.
She out croons the rest
But the best is her chest
That shakes like a quake when she’s jolly.
- Did you hear about the country boy who became a nudist. He wanted to get his soul and body in Harmony. Harmony’s father shot him.
- A girl was hired to wait tables in a Country/Western nightclub. She was given a cowboy hat, boots, and a very scanty outfit. Being the modest type, she stood in front of the dressing room mirror for thirty minutes adjusting the costume until she was satisfied that she was showing as little as possible. She walked nervously into the barroom and went to work. Later that evening her boss called her aside. “Well, did you like the job? The people?” “Yes sir”, she replied. And how are your tips?”, he asked. “Oh God”, she muttered. “Do they show?”
🤠🤠🤠
Now that my blog has returned to something close to normal, what better way to start fresh than having a slightly off-color Limerick Alert. I thought I’d start out with this first limerick that hopefully will be appreciated by all of you poets out there. I’m sure you’ll recognize the reference to one of my favorite poets as soon as you see it.
There was a young man from New Haven
Who had an affair with a raven.
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
“Nevermore!”
😏😏😏
There once was a girl named Mc Goffin
Who was diddled amazingly often.
She was a rogered by scores
Who’d been turned down by whores,
And was finally screwed in her coffin.
😁😁😁
There was a young fellow from Florida
Who liked a friend’s wife, so he borrowed her.
When they got into bed
He cried, “God strike me dead!
This aint a pussy – it’s a corridor!”
😎😎😎
The lady with features cherubic
Was famed for her area pubic.
When they ask her its size
She replied in surprise,
“Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?”
🥇
E. A. P.
I’m trying desperately to remain cool here in my man-cave. Our house is not airconditioned so needless to say I’ve been spending most of my time in my cave which is so much cooler than the upper floors. I’ve located fans all around to help keep my computer system from overheating and it also helps to have a fridge nearby filled with cold beer, chilled wine, and icy cold water. I’ll remain here until the weather breaks or until hell freezes over, whichever comes first.
So, let me think. What could possibly make a hot and steamy day better? Hmm! Raunchy limericks immediately come to mind, and I intend to share a few with you.
Three cheers for the year “69”,
A year of erotic design.
It suggests a position
For oral coition,
Which suits nonvegetarians just fine.
💥ARE YOU FEELING COOLER YET? 💥
There was a young man from Ann Arbor
Whose cock was cut off by a barber.
In great consternation,
He said, “Masturbation
Will henceforth be very much harder.”
💥ITS GETTING FROSTY IN HERE! 💥
There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who professed to lack sexual feeling.
But a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped from the ceiling.
💥WHERES MY PARKA AND GLOVES? 💥
A scientist from Russia named Adam
Took a pot shot at splitting the atom.
He blew off his penis,
And now, just between us,
Is known in the Kremlin as Madam.
😁🤪🙃😎🥰😂😏
WE’RE JUST TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL!
🍆🍩🍆🍩🍆🍩
I’ve always thought of myself as quite the romantic but unfortunately there weren’t many women who agreed. All you really can do is accept your failings and keep on trying. I admit that after hearing ‘you’re not very romantic” a dozen or more times I finally got the message. Unfortunately, I never seemed to get it right and after discussions with other men I discovered it was quite possible that I wasn’t the entire problem. I continued to stumble along like a kid in a candy store with no pennies in his pocket. These limericks are for all of those ladies (and I use the term loosely) that didn’t appreciate my hundreds of romantic moves. These beautiful poems are a little dated, but they all have important information concerning men and women involved in “Little Romances”.
I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! She was lewder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude
So, I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
💖💖💖
There was a young lady of Arden,
The tool of whose swain wouldn’t harden.
Said she with a frown,
“I’ve been sadly let down
By the tool of a fool in a garden.”
💞💞💞
There was a young lady named Flynn
Who thought fornication a sin,
But when she was tight
It seemed quite all right,
So, everyone filled her with gin.
💝💝💝
There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
But he hadn’t the knack,
And he got too far back
In the right church, but the wrong pew.
💘💘💘
NEVER GIVE UP
It’s sunny outside. I’m not quite sure how it happened but it’s an effing miracle. I’m sitting here basking in the sun as I read through some of the thousands of limericks I have on file. Today’s limericks are not for the youngsters or those overly sensitive and chaste virgins. They were apparently written in the early 1980’s when an off-color sense of human was more acceptable. For a change these are a little bawdy but in a cute and funny way and I hope you enjoy them.
💥💥💥
An obese old broker named Kip
Took a very fat girl on a trip.
He was talking of stock
When he put in his cock.
At the end she said: “Thanks for the tip.”
🤪🤪🤪
There was a young lady from Ghent,
Who said she knew what it meant,
When a man asked her to dine,
Fed her whiskey and wine.
She knew what it meant – but she went.
😎😎😎
There was a young lecher named Lapp,
Who thought condoms were just so much crap.
Said he: “All of us he-men
Like to scatter our semen.”
Three weeks later he still had the clap.
🙃🙃🙃
A virgin emerged from her bath
In a state of righteous wrath,
For she’d been deflowered
When she bent over as she showered,
And the handle was right in the path.
💥💥💥
RATED PG
(Thanks Ray Allen Billington)
Quote of the Day
“Women complain about sex more often than men. Their gripes
fall into two major categories: (1) Not enough, (2) Too much.”
Ann Landers 1968
Joke of the Day
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh, my God, hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!” “I can’t jump out of the window. It’s raining out there!” “If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” She replied. “He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!” So, the boyfriend scooted out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the other runners, about 300 of them. Being naked with his clothes under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could, but after a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity jogged a bit closer. “Do you always run in the nude?” one asked. “Oh yes!” he replied, gasping for air. “It feels so wonderfully free!” Another runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?” “Oh, yes,” our friend answered thinking quickly.” That way I can get dressed right of the end of the race and get in my car to go home!” Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?” “Nope . . . only when it’s raining.”
Limerick of the Day
There was a young lady of Maine
Who declared she’d a man on the brain.
But you knew from the view.
Of the way her waist grew,
It was not on her brain that he’d lain.
Daily Wisdom
Q. What do parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. You push them both aside and keep on eating.
An Anonymous Non-PETA Contributor
&
“The right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing.”
A Dyslectic Anonymous Ambidextrous Masturbater
🤣🤣🤣
I have always been proud of my sense of humor, and I look for that trait in people I associate with. It was always one of the first things I looked for when dating as well and it never failed me. I think in the future this blog will contain much more humor meaning of course a bit of “off color” funniness. Humor that isn’t tweaked by double entendres is “boring funny” and I find that totally unacceptable. I fully intend to load this blog with non-boring humor as often as possible starting today. Here goes nothing . . .
- A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks into his shirt pocket and then asks for second beer. After drinking that one he again looks in his shirt pocket and asks for a third beer. This happens about seven more times before the bartender finally asks him, “Why do you keep looking in your pocket?” “The man replies, I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts looking good enough, I’ll be heading on home.”
- Little Johnny is walking past his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the act. Before dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, “Oh boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?” Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, he agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out loudly, “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!”
- Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket next to her. “Hello, sir,” she said. “Do you like movies?” “Yes, I do, “he responded, then returned to his book. Goldie persisted. “Do you like gardening?” The man again looked up from his book. “Yes, I do,” he said politely before returning to his reading. Undaunted, Goldie asked, “Do you like pussycats?” With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she’d never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, “How did you know that was what I wanted?” The man thought for moment and replied, “How did you know my name was Katz.?”
While many of my postings contain humor, I also feel required to add a few additional lines of beautiful poetry better known as a limerick. I always prefer ones that are a bit off-color whenever possible.
There was a young fellow of Kent
Whose prick was so long that it bent,
So, to save himself trouble
He put it in double,
And instead of coming he went.
💥💥💥
LAUGH, YOU’LL FEEL BETTER!
Now that I have grandchildren running through the house occasionally I’ve been forced to curb my use of all cusswords. I’ve always loved cursing and swearing but stopping cold-turkey has been tough. I have no doubt they’ll be picking up a few dozen new cuss words at home and especially at daycare. We can only hope they don’t pick up too many of the really good ones for a while yet.
I decided to do a little research into cussing as it applies to what will be their daily lives soon enough. Before I do that I thought I’d give you a short history lesson too. Here’s a few retro cusswords from back in the good old days.
Old School Cussing
Heavens to Betsy
Jumpin’ Jahosafat
Yikes
Gadzooks
Holy cow
Sugar
Dagnabit
flippin’
Geez Louise
Jeez oh man,
Fudge
Eat it … RAW
Hell’s bells
Oh Shoot
Great Caesar’s Ghost
Jiminy Cricket
Holy Mary-Mother of God
They sound so lame to us now but back in the day they got the job done with us kids. My Mom knew all of these and a few more modern words as well. Now lets take a look at cusswords in use in the USA today. Some fool took the time to do a study to determine what states used certain cusswords the most. Here are the results.
Asshole – New England, Nevada, Oregon, Utah, Arizona
Bitch – Texas through the Carolinas – Along the coast.
Darn – Most of the Great Plains states.
Shit – Texas to Delaware along the coast.
Fuck – All coastal states, East, West, and South.
Motherfucker – Southwestern states and Maine’s
Before too long our grandchildren will on the Web and getting introduced to Facebook and Twitter and all of the associated idiots who roam there. Here is some information and usage on both of those sites.
Twitter
Detailed work by researchers at Wright State University in Ohio has found that 34.7% of all the swearwords in their sample of 51m tweets were "fuck" or one of its long list of cognates.
In comparison, the second and third most popular swearwords – "shit" and "ass" – accounted for 15.0% and 14.5% respectively, while other highlights included "bitch" (10.3%), "hell" (4.5%), "whore" (1.8%), "dick" (1.7%), "piss" (1.5%) and "pussy" (1.2%). Between them, the top seven make up 90.6% of all the swearing on Twitter.
Facebook
Someday, when aliens are sifting through Facebook data to find out what 21st-century humans thought and cared about, they’re going to see a lot of shit. That’s the most popular swear word on Facebook, according to an analysis by Slate. In the three-day period queried, shit appeared in 10.5 million U.S. Facebook interactions, fuck in 9.5 million, damn in 6.3 million, bitch in 4.5 million, and crap in 2 million.
This next section applies directly to Rap Music. It’s always been known for bad language and we find out now that criticism was totally justified. I feel bad for the fool that had to sit through this terrible music to complete this study. It must have been brutal.
Rap Music
-
217.7 cuss words-per-album average.
-
One song from the study had, on average, 13.76 instances of profanity.
-
Too $hort’s 1985 album Raw, Uncut & X-Rated was the most profane album, clocking 49.8 curse words per song.
-
The most profane artists per song were The Geto Boys, as they uttered cuss words on average 46.4 times per song. The second-most vulgar artist? Geto Boys’ Scarface, with 33.3 cuss words per song.
-
Bun B’s song “Some Hoes” had the most instances of profanity in its lyrics with over 113 cuss words. The words “nigga” (51 times) and “ho” (46) make up the majority. However, the study qualifies that Lil Jon’s “Roll Call” is perhaps the most vulgar with 329 cuss words but it was not used in the study.
-
The most profane year in Hip-Hop from the study was 2001 with 22.66 cuss words per song.
If both grandson’s can last more than fifteen minutes in this cuss filled society without becoming cussing experts it will be nothing short of a miracle. Since I believe that “turn-about is fair play” I’ll just wait until they start cussing on their own then I’ll step in and add a few of mine.
SHIT ! ! !
IF IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR FACEBOOK, IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
everyuselessthing.com 