Archive for the ‘orgasms’ Tag
I’m pretty sure the title of this post will catch the attention of most readers. Sex seems to be the one unifying subject that everyone wants to hear about and discuss endlessly. I can only speak for myself, but I just love dirty jokes, the dirtier the better. I normally have less fondness for the milder sexual humor, but I plan on sharing some of that with you today. It’s not often that go “mild” so all of you overly sensitive types should enjoy these one-liners. I may never ever go this “mild” again so enjoy them if you can. I see a plethora of really dirty jokes in our immediate future so be patient.
- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
- The couple next door has recently made a sex tape. Obviously, they don’t know that yet.
- My ex-girlfriend would always ask me to text her when I got in. That’s how small my penis is.
- Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
- I’m hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to have orgasms. If you can’t come, let me know.
- I always call out my wife’s name during sex . . . just to make sure she’s not around.
- Men have only two emotions – hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
- What’s the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot? The amount of time you’ll spend looking for it.
- My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
- My wife told me “Sex is better on vacation”. That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.
A man got onto a train and sat next to a woman reading a magazine on “Sexual Statistics. “Any good?” he asked. “Fascinating” she replied. “American Indians have the thickest penises and Polish men have the longest.” “Bye the way, I’m Jane.” “Hi” he said “I’m Tonto Kaminski.”
PRUDES AREN’T HOT BUT THEY WANT TO BE.
Well, welcome to Friday people. Another gloriously gray rainy and crappy day here in Maine. It makes for a really boring day if you can’t leave the house, but I do have plenty of things to break the monotony. Today that will include a few funny and moderately dirty jokes. I know how much all of you seem to enjoy them almost as much as I do. Have a few laughs and then drop to your knees and loudly pray for some effing sunshine.
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!
- One rainy night a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped out of the alley, jumped in the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rearview mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet naked woman sitting in the backseat. “Where to?” he stammered. “Central Station,” answered the woman. “OK,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?” “Well, ma’am, I notice that you are completely naked, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.” The woman spreads her legs, put your feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, ” Does THIS answer your question?” Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie calmly asked, “Got anything smaller?”
- A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?” “Yes, they help me sleep at night.” “Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in those pills that could help you sleep!” She reached out and patted the young doctors’ knee. “Yes, I know that. But every morning I grind up one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 18-year-old granddaughter drinks. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.”
Q. What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
😜😜😜
One of My Favorite Sayings:
“If you’re the smartest person in the room, then you’re in the wrong room.”
Confucius
Like everyone else I spend an inordinate amount of my time people watching, listening, and wondering. We all do it and most of us find it enjoyable but even those that don’t do find it interesting and curious. As I surf the Net I’ve read thousands of articles that center most of their interests on people. Looking at it from my perspective, what else is there to write about that will capture an audience. People are by far the most interesting and disturbing characters to examine that I’ve found. Dogs? No way, Cats? Not so much, Trees? Boring . . .
Once I made the decision to write primarily about people is when I stumbled upon reams and reams of information that I found cute, somewhat interesting, and some that were just down-right stupid. With that in mind I thought I’d send along a few facts to amuse and inform you.
- 40% of all people who come to a party in your home snoop in your medicine cabinet. (Remember this when you throw your next party)
- Every day 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are born, and 140,000 people die. (Our three main interests)
- Over the same period of time, women who read romance novels tend to have twice as many lovers as those who don’t. (Romance novels = motivation)
- The frequency with which a woman has orgasms during her sleep actually increases as she ages during her childbearing years. (Is it any wonder they think they can do without man completely)
- Mothers pregnant with boys are less forgetful than those carrying girls. (I don’t know what to make of this tidbit)
- Girls have more taste buds than boys. (I can go off-color here but I won’t)
As I’ve stated many times before I want to meet the people who research these odd bits of information just out of sheer curiosity. I’d like to know if these facts are really as accurate as they say. I also want to submit my resume to them for their next job opening. This would have to be the best freaking job on the planet and I want in.
THE GREAT WIDE WONDERFUL WORLD OF PEOPLE
Today feels exceptionally uninteresting. It’s a little blah, a little gray, and a little cold which means I’m suffering from a total lack of interest. I was just advised by my better-half that I’d be spending the better part of this day being dragged along on her shopping safari. Thank God I recharged my Kindle last night so I’m now good to go. That means I get to sit in the car and read while she shops.
If I use my head and offer up a little charm I might just convince her to buy me some sort of breakfast. I have a serious need for bacon and I need it right now. I swear it’s a worse addiction than cigarettes or coffee. It’s maybe the only thing that keeps these shopping forays bearable for me.
This blog needs a bit of a breather from stories about my life and times. Today I’ll supply the world with a few really useless but possibly interesting tidbits of information. It’s been a while since I’ve dished out a dose of these factoids and today’s the day. Here we go . . .
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The average American two-car garage is 25 percent bigger than the average Tokyo home.
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The European Union exports more to Switzerland than to China.
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During the first year of the Nazi invasion of the Soviet Union, the Red Army issued 800,000 death sentences to it’s own soldiers.
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The first year in which there was no recorded lynching of a black American was 1952.
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There were 658 suicide bombings around the world in 2007 – more than double the number in any of the previous twenty-five years. Afghanistan and Iraq were responsible for 542 of them.
I didn’t say that all of the factoids would be funny or uplifting because life on this planet leaves a lot to be desired at times.
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In 1976, the United States had 30 percent of the world’s college students. By 2006, that had dropped to 14 percent.
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Intel employees collectively send or read 3 million emails a day.
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The Mafia accounts for 7 percent of the Italian GDP, more than any single business.
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There are as many fake doctors practicing in India as real ones.
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The average male orgasm lasts eight seconds, the average female orgasm twenty seconds.
I guess that last one explains a lot of things. Women not only orgasm longer but get to have multiples as well. That’s just unfair.
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In the United States, adult bookshops outnumber McDonald’s restaurants three to one.
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Napoleon often masturbated before going into battle.
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Red Bull is illegal in Norway, Denmark, and Ireland.
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In 2007, twenty-four people killed themselves jumping under Paris Metro trains. On the New York City Subway the figure was twenty-six, and on the London Underground fifty.
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Men produce twice as much saliva as women.
I think that’s enough for today. I wouldn’t want you to overdose on all this useless stuff. It’s Sunday, watch some football, drink a beer or two, eat some nacho’s and belch like you have a pair. That’s what I call “a day of rest”.
HAPPY SUNDAY
I have a confession to make today that I absolutely love breasts, specifically women’s breasts. Like the great majority of men I have a real appreciation for both natural and supernatural (implants) breasts. It isn’t something that just happened to me, it’s been my obsession for as long as I can remember.
I’m not sure when it developed or why. It might have been that I was breast- fed as a baby and became enamored of breasts then. Or maybe I wasn’t breast-fed as a baby and really wanted to be. Since discussing anything sexual with my late parents was almost impossible I don’t have the real answer to my question.
Since so many of my readers are male and have a similar fascination with breasts I thought I’d do a little research and pass along any interesting facts I discovered. It was no surprise that breasts are a major topic on the Net but finding interesting facts about breasts was not as easy as finding the tens of thousands of photographs almost everywhere. Here are fifteen snippets of information I thought you might find interesting.
Man Boobs
A 53-year-old man Guo Qingpo, living in Shandong province, used to own the world’s biggest man boobs record. Guo Qingpo made a decision to have his breasts operated at a local hospital in Jinan, Beijing. After the 6-hour procedure, his 5-kilo breasts were successfully removed.
Current Implant Record Holder
In early 2009, Sheyla Hershey of Brazil was awarded the Guinness World Record for having the largest set of breasts. After nine surgeries and more than a gallon of silicone, her breasts are a size 38KKK.
Largest Natural Breasts
In modern times the world’s largest breasts belong to Norma Stitz (USA, born Annie Hawkins-Turner) who takes a size 56WW Bra. Norma holds the Guinness world record for having the biggest tits in the world.
Best Boob Artist
Kira Ayn Varszegi, aged 34 from Hartford, is an artist. She creates abstract works by using her 38DD breasts as a paintbrush. Kira covers her breasts in paint and then presses them against her canvases. She shares that a mixture of colors and angles in various different directions help to create her eye-catching works.
Left Breast is Usually Larger
No two breasts are exactly the same size, and it is usually your left breast that is bigger than the right side. However, often the difference is so slight you’d never notice they are of different sizes. Nipples also come in varying sizes, not only that, they also point in different directions.
British Boobs the Largest in Europe
A survey made by bra maker Triumph found that British women have the biggest boobs in Europe. More than half of women in that country wear a size D cup. Denmark scored second while Holland was third. On the other hand, Italian women had the smallest breasts where 68% had a size B.
Average Breast Weight
The average breast weighs about 0.5 kilograms (1.1 lb). Each breast contributes to about 4-5% of the body fat and thus 1% of the total body weight of an average woman.
Fat Breasts
In your 20s, your boobs are made up of fat, milk glands and collagen — the connective tissue that keeps them firm. But as you age, the glands and collagen shrink and are replaced by more and more fat. Instead of making your bra size go up, however, the added flab can send breasts down, closer to the floor, if you catch my drift.
Breasts Implant Saves Life
Big breasts miraculously saved an Israeli woman from death at the hands of a Lebanese paramilitary organization. The incident occurred during a Hezbollah rocket attack. The victim got a boob job two years ago. During the war, she was wounded in the chest by shrapnel but survived because of her implants. While the patient is fine, the implant, unfortunately, did not survive.
Orgasm via Breast Stimulation
The idea that women can achieve orgasm via breast stimulation alone has been put forward by Marshall Miller and Dorian Solot, a pair of high-profile sex educators and the authors of I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide. According to their findings, about 1% of women report the ability to achieve orgasm through manual stimulation of their breasts.
Cleavage
Two women with the same cup size may not always have cleavage of the same size. Woman’s breasts that have developed fuller in the middle will tend to have greater cleavage. A woman with an A or B cup but with breasts set naturally close together, can have nice cleavage as well.
Real or Not
More than 2 million women in the United States have breast implants. The average age a woman gets a boob job is 34 … 90% wait until after they have children. The majority of women go up about two cup sizes. Of course, implants still carry health risks, but that doesn’t stop 250,000 from going under the knife each and every year.
Let Sleeping Breasts Lie
Sleeping face-down won’t make your implants deflate, but it will change their shape over time. The best snooze style for your breasts is on your side with a pillow under them for support.
Extra Boobs
Extra breasts (or nipples, for that matter) is called polymastia. In 1886, one Professor Neugenbauer presented to the French Academy of Medicine a woman with ten individual lactating breasts. Three months later, Dr. P. J. Stoyanoff exhibited a 23-year-old Polish woman who also had eight additional boob, all of which secreted milk.
There you have it guys. Every thing you always wanted to know about breasts and breast implants. I hope you all appreciate the valuable time I invested reading all about breasts and looking at the thousands of pictures required to verify these facts. It was exhausting work but I know how important it was to get this information to all of you as quickly as possible. Oh yeah, I think my carpal tunnel syndrome is acting up again. The sacrifices I make for this blog.
I’ve never been accused of being an overly happy person. I’m pretty sure I know the reasons why as do most of my closest friends and acquaintances. It wasn’t until recently that I was told in no uncertain terms that men should be a lot happier than women. You might think a statement like that was made by a man but it wasn’t.
If you think about it, we men are really simple creatures. Things are cut and dry, black or white, just simple. We apparently have so many reasons to be happy I can’t believe I didn’t realize it sooner:
We can never get pregnant.
We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
We can wear NO shirt to a water park.
We can intimidate car mechanics.
We have the world as our urinal.
We never drive to another gas station restroom because this one is too disgusting.
We have wrinkles that just add character.
We never have anyone stare at our chest when talking to us.
We favor 30 second phone conversations.
We know stuff about tanks.
We need one suitcase for a five-day vacation.
We can open all our own jars.
We pay $8.95 for a three-pack of underwear.
We need no more than 3 pairs of shoes.
We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
We have the same hairstyle for years, maybe decades.
We only have to shave our face and neck.
We can wear shorts no matter what our legs look.
We can do our nails with a pocket knife.
We can Christmas shop for 25 relatives in 25 minutes.
Here are a few simple but true comparisons between men and women that are absolutely spot on.
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We will pay $2 for a $1 item we need and a a woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but is on sale.
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We have has six items in our bathroom: toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.
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We wake up as good-looking as when we went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
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A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. We never worried about the future until we got a wife.
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A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. We will dress up for weddings and funerals.
How could we not be happier than women? We’ve had it made for all these years and just didn’t realize it. Thank God I have a good women who could explain it to me along with about a thousand other things that she thinks I don’t understand.
In my opinion all of the above may be true. There’s only one thing I can think of that women have that I’m really jealous of, MULTIPLE ORGASMS! I think that makes us even.
everyuselessthing.com 