Archive for the ‘retro’ Tag
A few months ago, while I was surfing on eBay, I purchased a number of books on a whim. In one of those books, I discovered it was a library book from the North Side School Library in Rogers, Arkansas dated 1965. The book contains limericks written by quite a variety of people, some well-known some not so much. They’re funny and cute and dated. I hope they bring a smile to your face as you read them. Here we go . . .
Edward Lear
There was an old man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a bee.
When they said, “Does it buzz?”
He replied, “Yes, it does!
It’s a regular brute of a bee.”
😁😁😁
Ogden Nash
There was an old man of Calcutta,
Who coated his tonsils with butta,
Thus, converting his snore
From a thunderous roar
To a soft, only oleaginous mutta.
😛😛😛
Lewis Carroll
His sister named Lucy O’Finner,
Grew constantly thinner and thinner,
The reason was plain,
She slept out in the rain,
And was never allowed any dinner.
😉😉😉
Rudyard Kipling
There once was a small boy in Québec
Stood buried in snow to his neck.
When asked: “Are you friz?”
He said: “Yes I is,
But we don’t call this cold in Québec.”
😋😋😋
Carolyn Wells
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning he remarked to his granny,
“A canner can can
Anything that he can,
But a canner can’t can a can, can he?”
As you can see, some of these people were famous but that was 57 years ago. The limericks were mostly written in the late 1950’s and early 1960’s.
HAVE A GREAT DAY
I thought a little silliness would be in order on this slow Sunday. I’m expecting a gorgeous warm and sunny day for a change, and I plan to enjoy the hell out of it. Here are a few things that might tickle your funny bone.
RETRO BUMPER STICKERS
I MAY BE FAT BUT YOUR UGLY
!@#!*&$%
GO AHEAD, MAKE MY DAY
THERE ARE 3 KINDS OF PEOPLE: THOSE WHO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN; THOSE WHO WATCH WHAT HAPPENS; AND THOSE WHO WONDER WHAT HAPPENED.
And finally, more dumb-ass crooks. This one explains how not to handle dangerous weapons.
In Wichita, Kan., police officers staking out a convenience store inadvertently unnerved two men parked innocently at an adjacent liquor store. According to police, a 19- year-old man in the car had a gun and thought that since police officers were nearby, he ought to get rid of it, but in the process of pulling it out of his pocket, he accidentally fired one round, which hit him in the leg, went through the front seat, and hit his 20-year-old companion. According to police Capt. Paul Dotson, the officers on stakeout, who had until then ignored the liquor store, had their attention engaged by the gunshot and the gun owner’s limping out of the car and throwing the gun over a fence. The shooter was charged with illegal possession of a firearm, and his companion was treated at a hospital and released without charges.
HAPPY SUNDAY
STUPID HEADLINE
DEER WITH BIG RACK IS FEMALE, IT TURNS OUT
RETRO BUMPER STICKERS
I’M BI-COASTAL
RETIRED. NO PHONE. NO ADDRESS. NO MONEY
ANSWER MY PRAYERS. STEAL THIS EFFING CAR
BEYOND BITCH
BEER MADE ME WHAT I AM TODAY
STUPID QUOTES by Ralph Kiner
Ralph Kiner, Pittsburgh Pirates Hall of Fame slugger, was the broadcast voice of the Mets in the 60’s. For all of you baseball fans out there, here are a few of his gems.
“Today is Father’s Day, so to all of you fathers out there, we’d just like to say, Happy Birthday!”
“Solo homers usually come with no one on base.”
“Tony Gwynn was named player of the year for April”
If Casey Stengel were alive today, he’d be spinning in his grave.”
ONE RUDE LIMERICK by Isaac Azimov
There was an old fellow from Tripoli
Who used to make love rather nippily.
Said his angry young lass
While rubbing her ass,
“Less teethily, please, and more lippily.”
🍆🍆🍆
THANKFULLY SPRING IS COMING SOON
Today is the perfect day for a pile of miscellaneous information that you didn’t realize you were missing. First a “Stupid Headline”, then a quote from the late Larry King, and thirdly a few retro bumper stickers to take you back to the 70’s. Last but not least two children’s limericks. Enjoy!
😝😝😝
STUDENT EXCITED ABOUT DAD GETTING HEAD JOB
🤓🤓🤓
“I never learned anything while I was talking.” – Larry King
🚘🚖🚗
GUNS CAUSE CRIME, LIKE FLIES CAUSE GARBAGE
NOT ALL WOMEN ARE FOOLS, SOME ARE SINGLE
I DON’T CARE WHAT YOUR OTHER CAR IS, WHAT YOU LOVE, OR WHAT YOU’D RATHER BE DOING
☘☘☘
There once was an organic leek
That had managed to learn how to speak.
At the site of the knife,
It would fear for its life,
And go: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
☘☘☘
There was a young girl named Miss Muffet
Who sat down one day on a tuffet.
She’d sooner have had
A chair, I might add,
But sometimes you just have to rough it.
ENJOY YOUR DAY (TGIF)
After receiving a few requests, it’s time for more retro bumper stickers. I’ve actually found a number of them that I’m in the process of having reprinted for my own use. I could be convinced to stick them on a few cars whose drivers have aggravated me. I’m also working on one for people who park inappropriately, to stick on their windshields. I’m a baaaad man.
IF YOU’RE RICH, I’M SINGLE
I CAME, I SAW, I SHOPPED
WELCOME TO CALIFORNIA; NOW GO HOME
TRUST ME. I’M A LAWYER
MY OTHER CAR IS A BROOM
GO AHEAD, HIT ME. I’M NOT INSURED
NO NUKES IS GOOD NUKES
JUST SAY NO TO INNUENDO
I CAN’T DRIVE 55
HELP BEAUTIFY AMERICA, GET A HAIR CUT
MAKE POLAND OUR 51ST STATE
THE WEATHER IS HERE. WISH YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL
TV EVANGELISTS DO MORE THAN LAY PEOPLE
HUGS ARE BETTER THAN DRUGS
NEVER PLAY LEAP FROG WITH A UNICORN
And Here’s My Favorite:
REALLY NICE GUYS FINISH LAST. I FINISH FIRST
I thought a good way to start a Tuesday would be to offer for your entertainment a few retro bumper stickers dating back to the 1980’s. The first one I’ll mention was on an orange Gremlin that I owned. It garnered a lot attention or so my mother told me on the day she borrowed my car. She was so naive, she thought all of those people honking were just being friendly. LOL Here is my first:
HONK IF YOUR HORNY
VINTAGE LOVER – AGED TO PERFECTION
LIFE’S TOO SHORT TO DANCE WITH UGLY MEN
RECYCLERS DO IT MORE THAN ONCE
BEER ISN’T JUST FOR BREAKFAST ANYMORE
I AM WOMAN. I AM INVINCIBLE. I AM TIRED
ANSWER MY PRAYERS. STEAL THIS CAR
JAPANESE CADILLAC
NOBODY’S UGLY AFTER 2 A.M.
GET OFF MY ASS, MORON
That’s enough for today. I need to find a website that prints custom made bumper stickers. Some of these need to be brought back to life here in the 21st century.
I’m sitting here looking out the window and it’s hardly worth doing. It’s snowy, sleeting, cold, and in general a real shit show. It’s a great day to be inside and to stay inside. It’s also a slow news week due primarily to the Olympics of which I really don’t care much about. With that in mind I thought I’d take you back 30 years to revisit some vintage bumper stickers. These were collected between 1988 and 1990 and might prove interesting to some of you and others won’t give a damn anyway. I’m feeling lazy today so here they are . . .
Watch Out! I Drive Like You Do.
Go Ahead, Make My Day.
I Brake For Idiots Like You.
Instant Fool. Just Add Beer.
Live And Let Die.
If It’s Too Loud, You’re Too Old.
Clothes Required, Underwear Optional.
Left-Handers Are In Their Right Mind.
Good Girls Go to Heaven. Bad Girls Go Everywhere.
Still Crazy After All These Beers.
Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Naked.
Old Musicians Never Die, They Just Decompose.
I’m Not Playing Hard To Get. I Am Hard To Get.
We Came, We Saw, We Yawned.
Sure, I’ll Respect You In The Morning. What Was Your Name Again?
I DON’T KNOW, I DON’T CARE, AND IT DOESN’T MATTER ANYWAY.
Now that I have grandchildren running through the house occasionally I’ve been forced to curb my use of all cusswords. I’ve always loved cursing and swearing but stopping cold-turkey has been tough. I have no doubt they’ll be picking up a few dozen new cuss words at home and especially at daycare. We can only hope they don’t pick up too many of the really good ones for a while yet.
I decided to do a little research into cussing as it applies to what will be their daily lives soon enough. Before I do that I thought I’d give you a short history lesson too. Here’s a few retro cusswords from back in the good old days.
Old School Cussing
Heavens to Betsy
Jumpin’ Jahosafat
Yikes
Gadzooks
Holy cow
Sugar
Dagnabit
flippin’
Geez Louise
Jeez oh man,
Fudge
Eat it … RAW
Hell’s bells
Oh Shoot
Great Caesar’s Ghost
Jiminy Cricket
Holy Mary-Mother of God
They sound so lame to us now but back in the day they got the job done with us kids. My Mom knew all of these and a few more modern words as well. Now lets take a look at cusswords in use in the USA today. Some fool took the time to do a study to determine what states used certain cusswords the most. Here are the results.
Asshole – New England, Nevada, Oregon, Utah, Arizona
Bitch – Texas through the Carolinas – Along the coast.
Darn – Most of the Great Plains states.
Shit – Texas to Delaware along the coast.
Fuck – All coastal states, East, West, and South.
Motherfucker – Southwestern states and Maine’s
Before too long our grandchildren will on the Web and getting introduced to Facebook and Twitter and all of the associated idiots who roam there. Here is some information and usage on both of those sites.
Twitter
Detailed work by researchers at Wright State University in Ohio has found that 34.7% of all the swearwords in their sample of 51m tweets were "fuck" or one of its long list of cognates.
In comparison, the second and third most popular swearwords – "shit" and "ass" – accounted for 15.0% and 14.5% respectively, while other highlights included "bitch" (10.3%), "hell" (4.5%), "whore" (1.8%), "dick" (1.7%), "piss" (1.5%) and "pussy" (1.2%). Between them, the top seven make up 90.6% of all the swearing on Twitter.
Facebook
Someday, when aliens are sifting through Facebook data to find out what 21st-century humans thought and cared about, they’re going to see a lot of shit. That’s the most popular swear word on Facebook, according to an analysis by Slate. In the three-day period queried, shit appeared in 10.5 million U.S. Facebook interactions, fuck in 9.5 million, damn in 6.3 million, bitch in 4.5 million, and crap in 2 million.
This next section applies directly to Rap Music. It’s always been known for bad language and we find out now that criticism was totally justified. I feel bad for the fool that had to sit through this terrible music to complete this study. It must have been brutal.
Rap Music
-
217.7 cuss words-per-album average.
-
One song from the study had, on average, 13.76 instances of profanity.
-
Too $hort’s 1985 album Raw, Uncut & X-Rated was the most profane album, clocking 49.8 curse words per song.
-
The most profane artists per song were The Geto Boys, as they uttered cuss words on average 46.4 times per song. The second-most vulgar artist? Geto Boys’ Scarface, with 33.3 cuss words per song.
-
Bun B’s song “Some Hoes” had the most instances of profanity in its lyrics with over 113 cuss words. The words “nigga” (51 times) and “ho” (46) make up the majority. However, the study qualifies that Lil Jon’s “Roll Call” is perhaps the most vulgar with 329 cuss words but it was not used in the study.
-
The most profane year in Hip-Hop from the study was 2001 with 22.66 cuss words per song.
If both grandson’s can last more than fifteen minutes in this cuss filled society without becoming cussing experts it will be nothing short of a miracle. Since I believe that “turn-about is fair play” I’ll just wait until they start cussing on their own then I’ll step in and add a few of mine.
SHIT ! ! !
IF IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR FACEBOOK, IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
Most of us are considered members of TV generations. We were all raised in front of a TV, ate supper while watching TV, and knew nothing about current events that wasn’t told to us by all of the famous talking heads like Walter Cronkite.
Since I love all things trivia and also old TV shows I thought for a change of pace I’d give you all an opportunity to flex your trivia muscles. I’ll give you ten questions and then in my next posting on Ground Hog Day I’ll supply the answers. Most of these questions are tough and they’ll certainly test your trivia knowledge. Here we go:
Questions
1. What was the address of Big Bird’s nest on TV’s Sesame Street?
2. How many fingers does Mickey Mouse have on each hand?
3. What was the name of the church to which comedian Flip Wilson’s character Reverend Leroy belonged?
4. What role did Art Carney play in the Jackie Gleason’s first Honeymooner’s sketch?
5. What famous Hollywood star turned down the part of Marshall Mat Dillon on TV’s Gunsmoke before James Arness was offered the part?
6. On what TV show did comic Robin Williams first appear as the alien Mork?
7. How did the TV sitcom Sanford and Son get it’s name?
8. What was the name of the USS Enterprise in the original draft for the Star Trek series?
9. On TV’s sitcom Petticoat Junction, what were the names of the three Bradley girls and their uncle?
10. What was the name of the attorney on the Flintstones who never lost a case?
BONUS QUESTUION - At what age did Lucille Ball become a redhead?
For all of the answers check my posting for 2-2-2016. If anyone gets more than five answers correct, they are true trivia champs.
I’m spending this rainy morning in bed for at least another hour because watching old reruns of Sports Night has become part of my morning routine. It was a show I enjoyed watching back in 2000 even though I’m really not a sports guy. The show still holds up pretty well and the inane patter between the characters still makes me smile.
Have any of you noticed just how many of the old shows seem to be resurfacing on such a large number of channels. It started two years ago for me when I stumbled upon reruns of Sgt. Preston of the Yukon. I never missed that show as a kid and thoroughly enjoyed watching all of the episodes once again. Is it a little lame? Absolutely! Is it an easy and relaxing half hour? Absolutely! Then followed Gunsmoke, Bonanza, Roy Rogers, The Lone Ranger, Dragnet, One Adam 12, and a host of others. I began to wonder why it was happening so frequently.
Can it be that the networks are beginning to see a change in viewing habits? Is it possible that the ratings for these old shows are higher than those of the half hour long commercials that seem to be on every channel? Is it more fun to spend a relaxing half hour watching a show where the good guys always win and the bad guys always lose? Can it be that people are sick to death of watching hour long shows about corrupt politicians, corrupt police officers, heroic serial killers like Dexter or pedophiles who aren’t responsible for their criminal behavior and blame everything on society? It’s a politically correct "No-No" watching those old shows where it’s celebrated to be patriotic, honest, religious, and a responsible citizen.
God forbid anyone should love their country and voice it out loud these days. We wouldn’t want to piss off the media elite who decide what we should be watching and how to think. How can the Mainstream Media possibly maintain control of the masses and continue to dictate our politics, morals, and outlook on life when we’d rather watch Joe Friday or the Lone Ranger doing the right thing no matter what. I think our kids would certainly benefit from a stream of positive role models, don’t you?
I find myself drawn to those simpler and more honest shows even though they aren’t up to speed with all of the politically correct crap we’re being fed these days. Maybe it’s time for the people of this country to once again hear some positive messages instead of the constant in-your-face drumbeat of commercials, reality shows, and just plain crap that’s filling the airways.
Find that cable channel that’s decided to step back and regain some simple and positive programming and support them. When their ratings begin to climb the advertising money will soon follow. More money begets more of the same type of programming and all of us and our kids are the winners.
everyuselessthing.com 