Archive for the ‘winter’ Tag
Another "Storm of the Century" is upon us and since this is the third one in the last twelve months I guess we should all be hiding in the root cellar (if we had one). Weather forecasters in Maine don’t do much more than repeat whatever is relayed from the National Weather Service and then hope for the best. Maine is so lame at times they look for any excuse to exaggerate the facts and use all the panic inducing buzz words to scare the crap out of the uninformed.
Having lived in Maine for more than ten years I thought there could be no surprises left for me. I’m able to translate their weather speech almost immediately and then go on about my business. Unfortunately I underestimated them again.
My better-half arrived home from work and immediately began explaining to me the grand weather controversy being discussed by the local media. They seemed to be all pissed off that the National Weather Service has begun naming large snow storms as they do for hurricanes. Maine is such an important place in the grand scheme of things (sarcasm) that they feel they should be permitted to name their own storms. I hate to even think what those names might be. Something really sophisticated yet down to earth (more sarcasm) like Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John. They may be right in their thinking however because who in their right mind would name a storm Nemo? Only the all seeing, godlike government of the United States could be that lame.
After giving it some thought my better-half and I decided that the so-called Maine weather experts really shouldn’t be permitted to name them either. So effective immediately this “Storm of the Century” will be named by the two of us. Let’s just call him JOHNSON. Read into that what you will you bunch of perverts. We ended this terrible controversy in less than two minutes with no help from either the government or the state of Maine’s weather idiots. Come on JOHNSON.
Now on to something really important. I had to go to the dentist today. A trip to the dentist for me is always an adventure since the age of 13 when playing sand lot football my best friend knocked most of my front teeth out. That required two bridges and a few false teeth which have plagued me ever since. My mouth is similar to having a old car and it requires much more maintenance. I could have bought at least three new cars over the years with what I spent on dental work. My dentist’s office is a family concern with my dentist the father, the hygienist is his ex-wife, and the dental assistant/receptionist is their daughter. Over the years I’ve become good friends with them all and it’s been a real hoot but the bottom line never changes. As nice as they all are I still hate going to the effing dentist.
After injecting me with enough Novocain to keep my face numb for a week he proceeds to do what I hate the most, drilling my teeth. The sound of that high-speed drill makes my skin crawl and if I never heard it again it would be too damn soon. Also if he honestly thinks that shooting cold water down my throat is helping me breathe he’s very much mistaken. Not only is my face numb but I think he’s subconsciously trying to drown me.
After a few kind words and a pat on the head I was escorted to the door, given a new tooth brush, and my next appointment date. Thanks for nothing Doc. I drove straight to the closest Dunkin Donut where I ordered a hot coffee and a sandwich. As I left their parking lot I took a quick bite of the sandwich and that was mistake number one. My mouth was still so numb I almost bit off the end of my tongue. I was forced to pullover to compose myself and check for damage. A few miles and a few dozen curse words later I opened the coffee container, took a giant swig, and burned the shit out of my mouth and tongue. I also scorched my crotch a bit when I spilled the coffee there too. I finally arrived home, sat down in a nice soft chair and refused to eat or drink anything until the feeling returned to my mouth and tongue.
How can people think storm JOHNSON is the big deal. It’s all about me and my trip to the dentist. People are so self-involved at times.
Just sitting around today waiting for the next uppercut from Mother Nature who is sending another huge snow storm our way. I sure hope those alleged weathermen and women are wrong but you know how that goes. When they say it will be sunny and fair they’re almost always wrong. When they say it will sleet or snow, they’re almost always right. If we get the 16-24 inches they’re predicting it will be a long few days of snow blowing, shoveling, and waiting for the roads to be cleared.
Yesterday’s posting seems to have struck a nerve in some quarters. Closest to home my better-half was less than thrilled about being mentioned in what she thought was a somewhat derogatory manner. I kept trying to explain to her that every time I refer to her in a post, it’s complimentary. She just doesn’t realize after all of our time together when I ‘m being serious and when I’m being funny. She’s thinks I should be more careful when discussing our personal life but I just can’t seem to help myself. Our life together is great but at times it’s also hysterically funny. She’s either purposely giving me a bad time or she’s all of a sudden lost her sense of humor. Truthfully I think she’s trying to be sarcastic and hasn’t quite gotten the hang of it yet. She’s a sarcastic work in progress.
I had a great half hour of meditation this afternoon (as described yesterday) which always makes me feel terrific. My cat has picked up the habit of climbing onto the meditation platform (couch) while I’m meditating (napping) and stretching out to his full length and purring like crazy. That tells me he’s found his "happy place" which is probably somewhere near the Portland fish market. He so loves his seafood.
We both then retired to my man-cave for an hour of tax preparation. After a great deal of bitching and profanity the cat left in a huff as I finally e-filed my returns. That damn cat’s getting way too sensitive in his old age and needs to lighten up a little. There was a time when he would only respond to "Hey Dumb Ass", so I just don’t get his recent snotty attitude. I suppose he’s just feeling the "tax time" pressures vicariously through me. Dumb ass cat.
I would also like to send out a quick thank you to a few of my newest followers. Welcome to the blog that’s just “full of it”. I hope you enjoy your visits here and come back as often as possible. Thanks go out to: hayleyhobson, happsters, evanstang, puravidaeh, craftedincarhardtt, russelldeasley, hollisplample, and silkroadcollector. If the rest of you get a chance please give their blogs and profiles a look see. I’m sure you’ll enjoy them as much as I do.
I guess it’s time for me to gas up the snow thrower and begin preparations for the storm that’s scheduled to start sometime early tomorrow. Winter in Maine is a trip but I never said it was always a good trip.
Mother Nature just can’t or won’t leave us alone. The early part of today was clear and really cold but livable. I was able to have a few warm hours this morning after the sun came up and rapidly heated the house. I had a quick breakfast of tasty cinnamon buns homemade by my better-half which were excellent. She’s been fine tuning her recipe for a week and has finally found the magic. A good hot cup of coffee with warm buns heated for a few seconds in the microwave, Yum!
She was off to work early as I prepared to do a bit of electrical rewiring in the room I’m remodeling. I removed the existing ceiling insulation, drilled the appropriate holes in the joists, and replaced the box in the center of the ceiling with a reinforced box that will hold the weight of the fan slated to be installed there. This house in just over twenty years old and nothing is easy. As soon as you start any project it immediately turns into what can only be described as a huge pain in the ass. The builders seemed to have cut corners at every turn and now I have to try and fix things as they’re discovered.
The insulation was installed without a vapor barrier which is a no-no and it’s also so old that it’s easily torn. What a freaking nightmare. Before I can do much of anything else I’ll be forced to replace all of the insulation and then install a good vapor barrier which wasn’t included in my original budget for this project. I’ve just had my project extended by a few days and a few hundred dollars which makes me really unhappy but not at all surprised.
I also removed an electrical outlet in the wall near the door that appeared dead. Tracing the wires didn’t help much when after a half hour and fifteen feet later I discovered they weren’t attached to any thing. They’d been rolled up and shoved behind the insulation probably fifteen or twenty years ago. Another little tweak of my nose by this freaking house.
After five hours I called it quits, sat down and enjoyed a good hot cup of coffee. Then Mother Nature reared her ugly head once again and began to pour on the snow. It was a light snow but it lasted for almost six hours.
The better-half made it home safely from work, we had a quiet meal, and kicked back for a while. She’s scheduled early in the morning tomorrow so she headed off to bed early. I donned my winter outfit and headed outside to clear the driveway of snow before retiring. Thank God for that new snow thrower. I cleared the driveway in rather short order just after 8:00 pm so the better-half wouldn’t have issues in the morning.
Now that she’s in bed I have a few minutes to read a couple of chapters. I need to keep up with the adventures of Detective Eve Dallas, a NYC cop in the year 2056.
The construction weather report looks grim for tomorrow. I’m expecting a huge amount of aggravation, followed by a host of nicks and cuts, and the occasional moments of intense profanity and general yelling.
I love my life.
Shopping in January. The temperature is nineteen degrees with a wind chill of nine degrees. Are we effing crazy? That would be a huge yes. We were out of the house running errands where we rode around in a nice warm car, would run into a nice warm store, and then return to the nice warm car. Sounded like an excellent plan to me but then again, what the hell do I know. Out of the blue my better-half decided to let me know she was jonesing for fresh crabs. Could we swing by the docks in Portland to the fish market and pick up a few? What was I going to say?
As we entered the city there were a surprising number of people roaming the streets. There must have been some kind of political protest going on because we saw a number of folks carrying their home-made signs and waving at passing traffic. It’s nice to see that those “Occupy Portland” idiots have found something to do through the winter. Fortunately the turnout must have been rather low because there didn’t appear to be any delays with traffic flow.
If you’ve ever been to Portland, Maine you must be aware of the constant parking problems. It’s ten times worse in the winter when a large number of parking slots are filled with piles of snow and ice. We got lucky and found a spot after 15 minutes of cruising around. They still get to take a shot at you for parking violations due to a stupid two hour limit on their meters. I firmly believe that the town council and politicians are paid from the parking ticket fund. I saw no less than four meter readers (parking Nazi’s) on one street dropping $25.00 tickets everywhere.
My better-half had the audacity to say “I think we should walk around for a while.” My only reply was “Are you kidding me, it’s effing cold out here. Find a store and go in.” So she did. We were then in and out of a handful of odd little shops with off-beat merchandise and really high prices. We found a place called Pandemonium which is the ultimate shopping experience for over priced crap. I again was placed in a position where I had no choice but to buy something. I found an ugly little pig clock for my better-half’s Valentines Day gift and a bottle of habanero hot sauce with a really scary warning label. The cost of those two items could have kept my car gassed up for two weeks. Highway robbery!
I could see in her eyes what was coming next. It was two in the afternoon and she was dreaming of those stupid crabs and a cold beer. We swung by the fish market where I remained in the car. I hate going in there because even on a good day the smell is awful. She was back in a wink with no crabs. Apparently it’s too cold for crabs too and there were none available, Boo Hoo!
We then arrived at a local tavern, Three Dollar Dewey’s, that we visit whenever we’re in town. A quick drink, some fish and chips, and then home.
I have to admit it was fun to get out of the house for a while. I have one additional question for you women out there. What would possess any women into going out into this cold weather wearing only a cardigan sweater, a pair of black, skin tight leotards, and a pair of Ugg boots. I saw at least four women dressed in that outfit scurrying along bitching and complaining about the cold. I’ve always said I didn’t understand women and I still don’t. You could freeze your Who-Ha right off if you had one.
We’re still in the freezer here in Maine like a lot of other places around the country. It’s another stay in, stay warm, and stay at home nite for sure. I have a few things I need to get done today including a general cleanup of the house since we’re having guests for dinner tonight.
Shish-kabobs are on the menu so a little marinating is required for the meat and blah . . blah . . blah. That sounds almost as boring to me as it must to you. I spent a few morning hours on the computer answering emails and visiting some of my favorite blogs. It’s amazing the amount of diversity that can be found on WordPress. If I’m not disciplined I can spend hours just roaming around randomly reading everything in sight.
I also need to log a little X-box time today to calm my nerves and relax a bit. Our guests this evening are serious gamers who take no prisoners in any activity they participate in and I assume the X-box will be involved.
My better-half arrived from work in mid-afternoon and began a flurry of activity before the guests arrived. As always I did my part by cracking open a bottle of Chardonnay to assist me in my supervisory capacity. It’s a tough job but someone has to do it and I’m always first in line.
The guests arrived right on time and before I realized it we were on the X-box for a raucous darts tournament. I did my best to win but it just wasn’t meant to be. I was beaten like the proverbial rented mule and in damn short order by my better-half. Don’t you just hate people who spend all of their time telling you how bad they are at something and then proceed to kick your ass? It’s like rubbing salt into the wounds as far as I’m concerned. It was a disappointing way to start the evenings activities but I’m not demoralized just yet.
The dinner was excellent but for me it was just an minor annoyance before the Hearts games began. Playing Hearts with these guests can be a little like armed combat. We take no prisoners and offer no mercy whatsoever. We’ve played Hearts with them for years and the competition is as fierce now as it was the first nite we played. For a change I managed to prevail with a decisive win and was exceptionally kind in my victory offering no smartass wise cracks or fake sympathy to the losers. It’s always great to win and a big hooray for me.
More snacks and drinks then it’s back to the freaking X-box for a round of fun yet vicious bowling. I should have stopped while I was ahead because I was crushed without mercy. Well, at least I won something tonight.
These game nights are a great deal of fun and it’s something we’ve always enjoyed. They’re especially nice during cold snaps like this where going out is problematic. Staying in and sharing a few relaxing hours with friends is as good as it gets. It wasn’t a late night which then gave us some quiet time to relax a little before heading to bed. I think the kitchen cleanup will have to wait until tomorrow because I’m suffering from a real lack of interest.
Check the doors and locks, turn on the electric blanket, and snuggle in for a few chapters of my new book. Tomorrow is another day.
Winter has returned with a vengeance here in Maine. It’s not snow this time but frigid cold. The wind chill has been below zero for a few days which means I don’t leave this house unless it’s on fire. These are the days when my list of winter projects becomes important.
After I finished reading the entire collection of Harry Potter books two weeks ago I then decided I wanted to see all of the movies now that I had a better understanding of the story line. Yesterday was the start of my Harry Potter movie marathon made possible by a grant made to me by my better-half’s daughter. I have in my hot little hand all of the HP movies in Blue Ray, I effing love it. This weather made it possible for me to watch the first three movies without much interruption yesterday.
One big surprise though, my better-half sat in for a few minutes at the beginning of movie number 4 and became mesmerized. She watched that entire movie and loved it. I was informed last night that I wasn’t to watch any of the other films unless she was here to watch them with me. I didn’t mind that too much since I actually like having her around most of the time. Besides if I happen to remain quiet and really still she’s likely to be the first person to raid the kitchen and make us popcorn.
The marathon will continue later tonight but this morning I’m back in the kitchen making a batch of hot and spicy barbecue sauce. If I manage it properly I can have it made, canned, and on the shelf before my better-half returns home from work. I’ll return shortly. . . .
(Time Passing)
Well I’m back and the sauce has been made and canned. The cleanup is actually easier since I made a smaller batch than normal. I was able to can 16 half pints of sauce with each one holding enough for a meal of chicken wings or a meat of choice. It was a newly developed recipe which offers a lot of flavor and a medium amount of heat. I decided to ease up on the heat since most of this batch will be given to friends and family. I’ll make a smaller batch in a few weeks which will be much hotter and more to our taste.
I’m just sitting here now waiting for the better-half to arrive. I went outside to check the mail earlier and OMG is it freaking cold. The deck is making gun shot noises as the nails are popping from the temperature. The first time made me jump a bit but the poor cat is going crazy. He no sooner gets to sleep then BANG. It’s harshing his buzz and making him extremely cranky.
Tomorrow is another day in paradise.
I’d like to lighten things up a bit as we continue to enjoy the January doldrums here in Maine. I don’t know about you but I’ve been a big fan of Jeff Foxworthy for many years. He has a tremendous sense of humor which is wrapped up in all that redneck nonsense but he still makes me laugh out loud on occasion. I came upon this routine of his that I’m sure has been around for a while but it’s worth sharing with all of you. It’ll give you a true picture of what living in Maine is really all about. Here we go.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you might live in Maine.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you might live in Maine.
If you had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Maine.
If you measure distance in hours instead of miles, you might live in Maine.
If you know several people who’ve hit a deer more than once, you might live in Maine.
If you’ve switched from heat and AC in the same day and then back again, you might live in Maine.
If you can drive 75 miles through 2 feet of snow during a blizzard without flinching, you might live in Maine.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you might live in Maine.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you might live in Maine.
If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you might live in Maine.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you might live in Maine.
If you know all four seasons: almost Winter, Winter, still Winter, and road construction, you might live in Maine.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than on your car, you might live in Maine.
If you find 10° a little chilly, you might live in Maine.
I couldn’t explain Maine any better than that if I tried.
They’ll be no more mentions of Thanksgiving and related food topics. I’ve eaten enough turkey, turkey pies, turkey soup, and turkey sandwiches for this year. It’s onward and upward to the next step on the stairway to 2013. My better-half and I have begun planning another of our annual holiday visits to faraway family members. Since my mom passed this year a trip to western Pennsylvania won’t be happening. Instead we’ll be on our way to the state of Maryland for a birthday bash/holiday visit for my better-half’s mom who is turning eighty. Her many siblings and their spouses, partners, and significant others will also be in attendance for the festivities. I’m not at all thrilled about traveling during the Christmas season because it seems every time we do something bad happens. In years past I’ve had two near-death experiences in unexpected blizzards where we played bumper cars in the snow. I’m beginning to appreciate all of those years I lived in Pennsylvania and was within driving distance of most of my relatives.
My better-half has been in great spirits for the last few days and I suspect she’s suffering from Pre-Vacation Silliness Syndrome. She has a vacation scheduled to start in fours days but mentally she’s already checked out. Combining that with her never ending Christmas cheer might be enough to drive me “over the edge”. How would you like to drive for eight and a half hours through possible snowy conditions with a tone deal Christmas elf singing carols in your ear. I hope her sister and brother-in-law have a good supply of alcoholic refreshments chilled and waiting my arrival. I’m going to try my best to hide those stupid red antlers she soooo loves to wear because I just know the first police officer that sees her in that outfit will most likely what me to stop and chat so he can smell my breath. I hope and pray the weather cooperates and we get there and back without incident.
Now for some new business. I received a message from Matthew Ryan at A Toast to Dragons nominating me for the coveted and spectacular, Very Inspiring Blog Award. As part of my acceptance I ‘m told I need to list 15 of my favorite blogs. Since I ‘m a very discerning reader fifteen is out of the question. Here are five in addition to Matt that I read religiously. For sweetness and poetry – Don’t Quote Lily, for sexy – Snarky Snatch, for our military – Brain Rants, and for an Australian perspective – Polly Woffle. I have one last blog that I’ve read for years even though the blogger passed away in 2006. His family maintains the blog and it’s archives and I still visit it every chance I get. Go to Gut Rumbles as written by the late great Rob “Acidman” Smith. He’s the only reason I’m blogging today. Any one of these blogs is well worth your time.
I’d like to continue this but I’ve been assigned repair duties today. Fix the kitchen light, put out the Christmas flag, take down the screens, and blah blah blah. Just another day in this paradise that is my life. Tomorrow is another day.
It looks like this is going to be another day of surprises for me. I woke up bright and early this morning and stumbled from the bedroom barely conscious. The house was chilly, the cat was hungry, and my kidneys were screaming. Being the organized guy that I am I immediately prioritized. I turned up the thermostat, kicked the cat out of the way, and headed for my favorite room of the house. It was still dark as hell but as I walked past our large picture window I couldn’t have been more surprised. Four inches of freaking snow piled up on the deck and everywhere else. It’s what I get for not paying attention to the weather forecasts over the last few days. These inconvenient and inevitable weather changes are a pain in the ass but we must roll with the punches. My immediate response to the snow was to get a cup of coffee and make a beeline for my nice warm and toasty bed. I did feed the cat on the way only because I knew he’d nag me to death to get fed if I didn’t.
I slide back under the covers, turned on the TV and guess what, no satellite signal. I can’t ever seem to get a damn break. We hadn’t lost power, thank God, but looking out the window I could see a shimmer of sleet and immediately knew why the signal had been lost. Effing ice build up on the dish requiring my personal touch. I sat for a moment hoping against hope the damn thing will recover on it’s own. Fat chance. I was being forced to leave my warm snuggly bed to venture out into the cold cruel storm. I threw on a robe, grabbed a broom, and made my way to the door. Shit!
You must realize I’m an accident waiting to happen when there’s snow or ice anywhere nearby. I’ve fallen so many times in my life it’s ridiculous. In the last twenty years I’ve fractured my knee, thrown out my back, and fell to the driveway directly on top of my hand breaking my little finger. With a record like that it’s no wonder I’m extra careful at all times. I got to the door with my broom and unfortunately for me the only pair of available shoes were a pair of Crocs made for summer beach wear. Being a good soldier I put my bare feet into those stupid Crocs, opened the door and stepped out into the snow. Believe me when I tell you it was freaking cold. I only took a few steps before balance became an immediate issue but thank God for the broom. That stupid broom turned from a cleaning device to a walking stick and saved my ass from a tumble. I knocked the snow and ice from the satellite dish and safely returned to the house. I was really proud of myself for avoiding an injury but I’ve got to remember not to get too cocky. This was just the first in any number of snow storms and we have four more months of winter before I’ll feel safe again.
I love Winter and the change of seasons but these are perilous times for me and all of the other really clumsy people out there.
It’s about 10:30 am and I’m still on my third cup of coffee. I just sent my better-half on her way for a day of shopping with her daughter and new grandson. I don’t have to tell you how important “alone time” can be for a person’s overall mental health and I cherish every minute of mine. It’s just me and my shadow, my cat Stormy, sitting in my man-cave and trying to decide what we’ll be doing today.
It’s another dreary day but fortunately all of my outside work is almost completed and I’m ready to settle in for the winter. I think I’m in a minority but I’m hoping for lots of snow this year. Last year was a mild winter here in Maine and I missed not having that beautiful white snow-cover for the entire winter. On top of it all without proper snow-cover many of the plants in my herb garden won’t survive. Anyone who knows anything about herbs knows that many are almost impossible to kill and they’ll run rampant through your garden. But with a mild winter and not much snow-cover they won’t likely survive the winter here in Maine. Last Spring I was forced to replace many herbs transplanted from my late mother’s herb garden which had a great deal of sentimental value to me. Such is life, replant and move on.
Today I’ll be be returning to work on a small sculpture that I’ve been working on for almost a year. I seem to do a few things on it then stare at it for about a month and then do a few more things. I’m trying to picture in my mind the finished piece and where I want the project to go. It’s finally coming together for me as I hoped it would and as it usually does.
Not to give too much away but it’s a somewhat bizarre and outrageous sculpture of my better half’s bust. That’s a “head and shoulders” bust not a “boobs” bust. The hair will consist of twelve tubes of white caulking compound applied in a manner I’ve never tried before. Today I’ll have a few hours where I can properly focus on my project and maybe make a little headway. I really wanted to have it completed by Christmas but I just can’t rush it. It moves at it’s own speed and when it’s done, I’ll know.
More coffee to get started and if I’m a good boy, a brandy later in the day. Hoorah!
