Archive for May 2013
Our fear of snow and frost has finally past and I can get on with our Spring and Summer plans. I’ve been sun burned once already and now I’m taking extra steps to be a little more careful. With the remodel in the house completed I can now center all of my attention to the yard and garden.
I visited a friend yesterday who lives nearby and owns a small nursery. He is a supplier of plants to many of the local and larger nurseries in southern Maine. He’s been very helpful over the years in educating me on growing plants in this State. I decided to shop around a little because every year he offers plants for sale that many others in the area do not.
I started looking through his new greenhouses and I couldn’t stop myself from loading up on plants. I have a fairly large cold frame at home and I purchased enough plants to completely fill it and then some. I filled my car with hot peppers, pickling cucumbers, squash, zucchini, and mustard plants. It was an excellent start for the season. I also purchased seedlings of three types of lettuce, spinach, and a couple cherry tomato plants. I’ll be planting the cold resistant plants today but waiting another week before starting anything else. The weather here can be weird at times with unannounced frost occurring well into May. I’ve been burned before so I won’t let it happen again.
Every garden has issues and mine is no different. I’ve been trying for years to grow big, fat, and red tomatoes with absolutely no luck. We instead plant the cherry tomatoes which always thrive in the same damn soil. I had the soil tested and added whatever was needed to get it balanced properly and still no success. I love making my homemade pasta sauces and salsas but it’s always much better when made with freshly grown tomatoes.
I finished construction of a new type of trellis for my beans. I’m planting both red and yellow climbing beans which should completely fill this trellis in no time. We always do well with them and eat those beans all winter long. There is nothing better to eat on a cold February night.
I’ll be looking for some kale seedlings in the next few day as well. Our harvest of kale last summer made our winter soups pretty damn tasty. I just wash it, blanch it and the freeze it. I like it almost as well as frozen spinach and I’m hoping I’ll have the same success as in the past.
My better-half is obsessed with sun flowers and required me to set aside an area in the garden for them. She usually plants a large variety of sizes and colors including the mammoth plants that can get 10 to 12 feet tall. At the end of the season we allow the heads to dry and they feed hundreds of birds for a few weeks.
Well, the plants have been transferred into the cold frame to await a warmer week. I installed my simple but effective sprinkler system which should keep all of the plants well watered and healthy. Now all I have to worry about are Mother Natures little helpers. Deer, rabbits, squirrels, horn worms, and all of natures other little inconveniences that make gardening such a challenge.
I’ve now lived in Maine for almost thirteen years and I’ve been told by a few native born Mainer’s that until you’ve lived here at least ten years your not considered a real Mainer. Since I’m now certified and official I’ve earned the right to criticize and make fun of my fellow citizens.
I’ve always been someone who sings Maine’s praises and really do love living here. It’s one of the most beautiful states in the country with many natural resources and scenic coastlines. That being said it also has issues you should be made aware of. Some years ago I stumbled on this list and found it funny as hell. A lot of time has passed since then but this list still rings true.
If you decide to visit our lovely state then you need more information than the stuff always published in the travel brochures. This list is so true it’s a little scary. Here are the things you can expect.
The local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May.
People at Home Depot will offer you assistance and they don’t even work there.
It’s not unusual for you to have a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.
You will learn to measure distance in hours not miles.
You will meet several people who’ve hit a deer more than once if you stay more than a week.
You’ll be swimming in August wearing a full body wetsuit.
You may switch from heat and AC in the same day and then back again.
You may learn to drive 75 miles through 2 feet of snow during a blizzard without flinching.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife will know how to use them.
Children’s Halloween costumes here are designed to fit over a snowsuit.
You will learn all about our four seasons: almost Winter, Winter, still Winter, and road construction.
You’ll have more miles on your snow blower than on your car.
Bear these facts in mind when you come to visit. It can be cold and snowy in the blink of an eye except for the months of June, July, and part of August.
A few days ago I posted a bit of humor about men visiting Lowes at different stages of their lives. I tag these types of posts as humor but as always there are a few of you out there who insist on taking things as a personal attack. I received a somewhat smarmy email from a gentleman in Canada who took me to task for having made men look too foolish. I won’t assume anything about someone who sees a posting described as humor and then takes time out of his busy day to write an email complaining about the humor. He truly must be a Canadian.
Being the fair minded individual that I am I’ll dedicate this HUMEROUS post in his honor with the hopes he has a women in his life who can explain it to him. If I’m going to receive stupid and inane emails I’d prefer them to be from women. As a warning to all of you folks in Canada, THIS POSTING CONTAINS HUMOR. Be on your guard.
What Woman Desire in Men
20’s
- Handsome
- Works Out Regularly
- Charming
- Financially Successful
- A Caring Listener
- An Imaginative and Romantic Lover
30’s
- Nice Looking
- Listens More Than Talks
- Smells Good
- Carries Groceries With Ease
- Owns at Least One Tie
- Requires Sex Once a Week
40’s
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Not Too Ugly – Bald OK
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Doesn’t Smell Too Bad
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Usually Wears a Shirt to Cover His Stomach
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Remembers to Put the Toilet Lid Down
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Shaves on Most Weekends
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Requires Sex Once a Month
50’s
- Keeps Hair in Nose and Ears Trimmed
- Doesn’t Belch or Scratch in Public
- Doesn’t Nod Off While I’m Talking
- Remembers My Name
- Shaves on Some Weekends
- Requires Sex Once a Quarter
60’s
- Remembers Where the Bathroom Is
- Can Stand By Himself
- Usually Wears Some Clothes
- Social Security Eligible
- Remembers Where He Left His Teeth
- Vaguely Remembers Sex
70’s
- Collecting Social Security
- Can Still Drive
- Breathing
- Breathing
- Breathing
- Breathing
There you have it ladies. If you find any omissions or errors please drop me a comment or email with the particulars. I’ll immediately forward them to my new Canadian friend for his thoughts on the matter. I’m just kidding of course. My only message for Ontario Joe is BITE ME!
I’m what most people would consider a person who dresses down instead of up. I’ve always been much more concerned with comfort than fashion (ask anyone who knows me). For most of my adult life after serving in the Army I was required to wear a suit and tie every day. I started out wearing sport coats and dress slacks, then to three piece suits, and finally to a more expensive brand of suits required by my position and the company I worked for. Even as a police officer I wore the company uniform when not working undercover. A tightly tailored and uncomfortable outfit with a big hat, lots of leather, a gun, and other assorted tools of the trade. I hated it.
I was forced to maintain quite an assortment of garments for a number of different companies because I didn’t want to look too stupid or out of style. I eventually had almost a hundred ties, dozens of shirts, suits, and all of the stupid accoutrements that seem to be required for each. It was awful. I’d have preferred on any given day to wear a T-shirt, shorts, and a raggedy old pair of flip flops.
After many years of "dressing for the man" I finally saw that light at the end of the tunnel and it was my retirement. I actually never thought I’d retire but the State of Maine in it’s infinite wisdom offered me early retirement since my job was being eliminated due to fiscal concerns. I was pissed and upset for about five minutes and then began planning my future.
I needed to simplify my life in many ways. I decided that with no company or boss to help dress me I would finally get to go my own way. My final day of work was one of those days where everyone comes around to say their goodbyes and to tell you how much they’d miss you (and good riddance). About seventy percent of them are just being politically correct and couldn’t care less. They should have just held an official funeral service right then and there because that’s what it felt like. I said all the right things, shook the right hands, smiled, and all the while thinking, "get me the hell out of here".
The next morning I awoke a new man. I spent a good portion of that day packing up all of my suits, ties, sport coats, overcoats, dress shoes, and anything else I could think of. That was one trip to Goodwill I’ll never forget. I kept one good suit, two dress shirts, one overcoat, and one pair of dress shoes for the occasional wedding and/or funeral. My closet was finally empty. It took a few weeks longer to rid myself of all those other little things that tied me to certain companies for such a large part of my life. It felt good to be free of it all and it also created a need for a huge wardrobe change and a serious shopping trip.
It’s now four and a half years later and things have changed dramatically. I look in my closet and what do I see? Three pairs of sneakers, four pairs of flip flops, one pair of dress shoes, two pairs of beach shoes, and four pair of Crocs. Next comes ten pairs of jeans, fifty assorted T-shirts, twelve pairs of shorts, four dress shirts, one suit, one raincoat, and a flannel shirt or two so people will know I’m still from Maine. One pair of hiking boots, a back pack, camera equipment, a walking stick, and a pair of really cool snow shoes w/ poles.
Welcome to my new so called life.
I was just sitting here trying to decide what I should post today when I received an email from my nephew in Dallas. He’s lived there long enough to be called a real Texan and he’s proud of it as most Texans are. I’m passing the contents of his email along for all of you to read. It’s humorous to the Nth degree but the underlying message is something I also feel strongly about.
I only wish I could be the guy who picks the contestants for this Texas version of Survivor. I have at least ten possible candidates that truly deserve to to be put to this test. I won’t name them but I’ll bet anything you can figure most of them out on your own. Please let this happen.
Survivor — Texas Style
Due to the popularity of "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor – Texas-Style!" The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed through Mission, up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth and Finally back to Dallas.
Each contestant will be required to drive a pink Prius covered with the following 15 bumper stickers
"I’m A Democrat"
"Amnesty For Illegals"
"I Love The Dixie Chicks"
"Boycott Beef"
"I Voted For Obama"
" George Strait Sucks"
"Re-elect Obama In 2016"
"Vote Eric Holder Texas Governor"
"Rosie O’Donnell Is Texas Born"
"I Love Obama Care and Chuck Schumer"
"Barney Frank Is My Hero"
"I Side With Jane Fonda"
"It’s Bush’s Fault"
“Islam Is A Peace-Loving Religion”
and the last sticker will read:
"I’m Here To Confiscate Your Guns"
The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive wins. What more can I say except "Remember the Alamo and the Constitution".
Are you a real movie fan? Do you prefer old movies or do you wait patiently for the new ones to arrive. For most of my life I was an occasional movie watcher but it was never something all that important to me. I never went out of my way to spend money or my time in searching out movies to watch. It wasn’t until cable TV came into it’s own with the Turner Classic Movie Network that I discovered how much I’d missed and in more cases what I was glad I missed.
What I did discover was that going to movie theaters and paying the big prices was no longer all that necessary. One of my pet peeves has always been people who refuse to shut up while in a movie theater. On many occasions I found myself exchanging rather harsh words with a few of those ignorant individuals who obviously had no respect for other moviegoers. The result of those incidents have kept me from almost all movie theaters ever since. The up-side to that is I’m able to watch many more movies than I normally would have in the privacy of my home without any annoying interruptions. For me it’s worth waiting a few extra months until a movie goes to DVD where I can then watch it at home and truly enjoy it.
We’ve all had those times watching movies where we’ve been touched by a scene that was so well done and meaningful that we’ll remember it forever. In recent years I’ve become much more of a movie aficionado that I ever thought I could. There are thousands of movies available from all genres but unfortunately only a small percentage are worth seeing more than once. With all of the TV channels and other resources the number of movies readily available for viewing is almost unlimited.
I’ve also discovered that certain movies have stuck with me in a more permanent way. There are a certain few movies that I can sit and watch over and over again and enjoy them just as much as the first time I saw them. These special movies are few in number and from different genres and aren’t dependent on any specific actor or actress. If I see one of them listed or I chance upon one accidentally, any other programs are immediately forgotten and I begin watching it again. It’s like spending time with an old friend. Here’s my top ten list in no particular order of importance.
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Ben-Hur
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Young Frankenstein
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Avatar
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The Shootist
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Under Siege
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Notting Hill
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Star Wars (The First Movie)
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The Shooter
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Robin Hood (With Errol Flynn)
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Star Trek – The Voyage Home
There appears to be no rhyme or reason for that list and no other common denominators I can find. I own many of them on DVD and have been known to sneak away if I have an hour or two of quiet time to just sit and enjoy. I appreciate them more each year because they help me forget the hundreds and hundreds of really bad movies that the cable stations continue to play over and over again.
Stick me on a desert island with my 100 favorite books and these movies and you’ll never see my fat ass again.
I’ve mentioned in the past that my better-half works for Lowes Home Improvement. She’s worked there for a number of years and is what I would consider an honest and loyal employee. That being said she then becomes a huge target for my sarcastic wit. I worked in big box retail for a lot of years myself so I know exactly which of her buttons to push to make her a little crazy. I’m dedicating this posting to her and all of the other loyal slaves at Lowes.
I’ll be supplying her with a number of copies of this that she can distribute amongst her cashiers and service desk employees. After all knowing your customers is the best way to develop those in-demand customer service skills. Read and learn girls!
* * *
You’re in the middle of a few spring projects: putting in a new fence, yard cleanup, putting in a new garden. You’re hot and sweaty, covered in dirt, lawn clippings, and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit — shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with numerous unknown stains on it, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of these projects you realize you need to run to Lowes for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20s: Stop what you’re doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.
In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married a hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don’t waste any of it on a trip to Lowes. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking-in than flexing.
In your 50s:
Stop what your doing, put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don’t want to get dog crap in your new car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Lowes until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. You don’t even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.
In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Lowes. You go to Wal-Mart by mistake. You went to school with the old lady greeter.
In your 90s & beyond:
Something for my garden? Where am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
* * *
My mission for today has been accomplished. As always, you’re welcome.
Does anyone reading this blog think I’m an MTV lover? Up until recently you would have been right if you said no. That was before I discovered a show which made me laugh so hard I almost peed myself. It’s called "The Girl Code" and I’ve kinda-sorta made it a part of my permanent watch list. The show introduces a group of really attractive young women who appear to be into clubbing, carousing, and enjoying the life of a typical woman in her twenties. They are offering their insights and rules into dating behavior that is so damn funny (and probably true) I just couldn’t stop watching and laughing.
I was quietly surfing through the TV channels one morning just minding my own business when I happened upon a really beautiful young woman. She was in the process of reciting one of the Girl Code Rules that I was totally unfamiliar with. It was and I quote, "Plop, flush, and get out." It concerned Ladies Room etiquette that we men haven’t been made privy to until now. Their list of rules appears endless and merciless to themselves, their friends, and their potential boyfriend candidates. Here’s a little more random information I’m supposed to believe are rules being followed by the young dating females in this country. I must admit I’m a bit skeptical and intimidated.
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The number one rule is the MOST IMPORTANT ONE OF ALL. No girl may date her friend’s; exes, past crushes, guys who have humiliated/used her and guys she currently fancies. Acceptation’s to the rule: a) Your friend has given you permission/ couldn’t care less.
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If you change boyfriends so fast they rarely achieve name status, a man must be around for at least six weeks before you make your friends bother to learn his first name. Until such time, he should be referred to as "The boy" or "That guy".
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All girls must have a "Mr.Right Now". This is the guy friend who is always ready and available to hang out with you, and may or may not like you as more than a friend. He is always ready to party till dawn, and do things you wish you didn’t remember in the morning. He’s not “Mr. Right,” but he may be good enough to be “Mr. Right Now.”
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If you just met a guy and know absolutely nothing about him, but need to refer to him during ‘girl talk’ you use one example of who he is, something he has, or what he does, and he becomes… that guy. (Ex. "The Camaro guy", "The Trainer dude", "The Four a.m. in the Taxi Guy")
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Every girl must wait at least a day and a half before calling a guy whose number she has retrieved.
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You are never in any case to date a friends ex or a guy who she was really into. Exception: If he’s one of those guys who every girl likes.
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A girl has a right to lie in order to keep a secret told to her by her best friend.
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It is fine to act like a BFF with someone and still think they’re weird, annoying, sluts, etc. behind their back but only if you talk about it with your REAL best friend.
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Trying to hard to be friends with someone or some people makes you look annoying and stupid. Everyone will talk about you. And nobody will actually like you. DONT TRY TOO HARD.
I’m certainly glad my days of dating are over. If you’re a guy these days it’s kinda like walking through a minefield in your bare feet. If I stumble upon anymore of these unknown female rules and requirements I’ll be sure to pass them along immediately. The more information we males can collect and share can only help us in our eternal quest for recreational sex. My best advice is to tune in to MTV and catch a few episodes of Girl Rules. You may learn a thing or two but even if you don’t the girls are attractive and their rules are hysterical.
I’m lying here this morning and cursing the fact that Spring has apparently sprung. These last few days of beautiful weather must have effected by mind and made me even more stupid than people say I am. I’ve been completely caught up in the Spring Fever craziness and I’m paying the price for it today.
Yesterday was my first full day dedicated totally to yard work and garden preparations. I dearly love gardening but I made a rookie mistake and allowed myself to forget about the basics of working outside. Full sunshine should never be ignored or forgotten, EVER. I started my day by pulling out the rototiller and spent an hour turning over the soil in the garden to loosen it up before planting. Then getting even more stupid I continued working by placing black landscape fabric over the garden frames and attaching it to the ground with large metal staples. This fabric is cool because it eliminates weeding but still allows the rain water to soak through. The sun was very hot but I was in the gardening zone, unfortunately.
I was still pumped about the day so I decided after finishing the fabric installation to fire up my riding mower and do a quick yard cleanup. Now I’ve been in the sun without any lotion or hat for some four hours. I was still feeling good so I kept on going by cutting the grass for the first time this year.
If you look up the word stupid in the dictionary you just might find my photograph there. I am the poster boy for stupid as reflected in my cherry red head, nose, cheeks, ears, and lips. I took a shower before going to bed and I’m surprised the neighbors didn’t hear all the screaming. I am an effing moron who looks like a French Fry. I slopped at least a pint of lotion on my face and head hoping that it would help but it didn’t. I probably won’t be able to shave in the morning or even smile.
After all of that I still had a great day. Having been sick for the previous week really put me behind schedule on the garden work and unfortunately Mother Nature waits for no man. Now I’m fully up to speed and back on schedule. As soon as my face stops glowing I’ll be right back out there playing in the dirt and enjoying as much of the warm weather as I can.
I’d like to continue this posting but a cold shower and another bottle of lotion await.
It’s May Day at last with the dreariness of winter slowly fading into memory. It’s time to celebrate the Spring and the rebirth it offers. How’s that for a huge load of manure? If you’ve had enough of that kind of talk then sit back and enjoy this discussion about sex.
I’ve known a few women over the years who are impossible to forget. I’ve had gay female friends, prudish female friends, and even promiscuous female friends but there’s one in particular I remember the best. I haven’t seen her for more than ten years but the memory of her still lingers.
I’ve been called an obsessive person by more than a few people. It’s doubly strange that I have such a hard time dealing with other obsessives. That was the case with this women who was obsessed with oral sex and took her obsession quite seriously. I’d pull into a drive-thru and she’d be on me like a lioness on a wildebeest. She loved shocking people which on many occasions included me. I was always at risk for that sort of surprise and eventually I was afraid to take her out in public. I know most of the men reading this are probably wondering if I’d lost my mind. Maybe I did for a while. I’m not complaining about the sex because it was great but the circumstances under which it occurred could be off-putting. I’m no exhibitionist and having an audience would never be my first choice. We eventually went our separate ways with a full range of mixed emotions on my part.
The following list was sent to me from her a number of years ago and made me smile. She’s apparently is still alive and well and living her dream. I considered editing the content but what would be the point. Here it is.
Blow Job Rules from Women
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to Rule #1 – If you get one, be grateful.
3. No, I DON’T have to swallow.
4. My ears are NOT handles.
5. Having my period does not mean that it’s “HUMMER WEEK.” Get it through your head…I’m bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to blow you just because you can’t have sex right now.
6. “Blue Balls” might have worked on high school girls; if you’re that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
7. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
8. If you like how I do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of my talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that I’m good at it.
9. No, I don’t care about the protein content.
10. No, I will not do it while you watch TV.
11. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
12. Just because “it’s awake” when you get up does not mean I have to “kiss it good morning”.
* * *
She was never too shy back in the day and it appears she hasn’t changed a lick (no pun intended).
everyuselessthing.com 
A few days ago I posted a bit of humor about men visiting Lowes at different stages of their lives. I tag these types of posts as humor but as always there are a few of you out there who insist on taking things as a personal attack. I received a somewhat smarmy email from a gentleman in Canada who took me to task for having made men look too foolish. I won’t assume anything about someone who sees a posting described as humor and then takes time out of his busy day to write an email complaining about the humor. He truly must be a Canadian.
Being the fair minded individual that I am I’ll dedicate this HUMEROUS post in his honor with the hopes he has a women in his life who can explain it to him. If I’m going to receive stupid and inane emails I’d prefer them to be from women. As a warning to all of you folks in Canada, THIS POSTING CONTAINS HUMOR. Be on your guard.
What Woman Desire in Men
20’s
30’s
40’s
50’s
60’s
70’s
There you have it ladies. If you find any omissions or errors please drop me a comment or email with the particulars. I’ll immediately forward them to my new Canadian friend for his thoughts on the matter. I’m just kidding of course. My only message for Ontario Joe is BITE ME!
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