Archive for the ‘Bitch & Complain’ Category
I’m already getting a little bored with Christmas so here’s my change of pace. Mish Mosh is always interesting and it will help to get me out of this holly, jolly, mindset I’ve fallen into. Weird and strange facts which someone (maybe even you) will find interesting.
- Women tend to shave approximately 412 square inches of their bodies, while men shave only 48.
- Tap water in New York City is considered non-kosher, as it has been found to contain microorganisms that qualify as shellfish.
- December is the most common month for children to be conceived.
- Fingerprints are unique to each individual, of course, but the same goes for tongue prints and lip prints.
- A pound of peanut butter is made up of 720 peanuts.
- During his nine-year reign as pope (beginning in 955), John XII was charged with multiple sexual acts and toasting the devil with wine. He was allegedly killed by a jealous husband.
- Confederate volunteers in the Civil War were paid $11 per month in 1861. Their pay was increased to $18 per month by 1864, but by then the currency was almost worthless.
- As General George Patton crossed a bridge over the Rhine River into Germany during World War II, he stopped in the middle and urinated into the river.
- The working title of the Beatles hit “With a Little Help from My Friends” was “Bad Finger Boogie”
- The human heart produces enough pressure to squirt blood more than 30 feet.
I already feel better since ridding my brain of all this holiday insanity, if only for just a few minutes. I’m afraid that I’ll be back at posting about the holidays and Santa and reindeer and mistletoe and snow and Christmas cards and OMG please stop me now.
18 MORE DAYS LEFT
Thank heaven this isn’t my house.
I thought I would continue my Christmas craziness today with a description of my better-half’s last two weeks of Christmas preparation. I’m not a huge Christmas person but my better half is the poster girl for Christmas insanity. It all started approximately two and a half weeks ago when she began unloading the attic with a never-ending pile of boxes containing thirty years of Christmas paraphernalia. It’s not that she wanted to use all of that stuff to decorate the house but the more she looks through those boxes the more decorations magically begin to appear everywhere. I may lose my every so merry mind. There are wreaths on the front door, garage doors, across the deck which is also strung with yards and yards of tinsel and lights. I think I now have one of the largest collections of extension cords in this part of Maine. I’m so proud!
I need a short break from all this holiday cheer. Try to answer these five Christmas movie trivia questions. Are you a serious elf or just a poser? I’ll list the answers at the end.
In “A Christmas Story”, who gifts Ralphie a pink bunny onesie for Christmas?
In “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”, what is the name of the Grinch’s dog?
In “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”, how many lights are on the Griswold house?
In “The Nightmare Before Christmas”, what does Jack Skellington call Santa?
What is the highest-grossing Christmas movie of all time?
This is what my elf wants our house to eventually look like.
Let me say again that of this morning fully fifty percent of every surface in the house has something Christmassy on it. All the windows are decorated, small statuettes of every Christmas figure you could possibly think of are sitting on every piece of furniture within my field of vision. Help! I’m being held prisoner in Santas southern vacation home, and I can’t escape. There’s only one elf living here, and she is out-of-control. I’m reasonably sure if I stood still for more than five minutes, I’d have yards of tinsel hanging from my body with an appropriate number of silly little ornaments and bells attached. If I stood still for a full ten minutes, I guarantee she’d find a way to have flashing lights wrapped around me and twinkling “Oh So Merrily”. My only refuge from the Christmas madness is my man-cave. She has yet to visit there and I’m guarding the door to keep her out. Three more weeks of this and I’ll probably make the nightly news. I’ll be the guy dressed like Santa Clause threating to jump off the nearest bridge in Portland, Maine, “Film at Eleven!” Oh yeah . . . here are your trivia answers. How did you do?
Answers: Aunt Clara, Max, 25,000, Sandy Claws, Home Alone
HO! HO! HO! THREE WEEKS TO GO
I was never in high school during the 1950’s. I just wanted to be clear on that point because I was in then what is now called Middle School. To say there are differences between now and the fifties is the hugest understatement you will ever hear. As I’ve mentioned many times in the past, political correctness is responsible for accelerating that change. This article was initially posted in 2010 but I’ve updated it somewhat. Here are a few hypothetical scenarios showing the differences between then and now. When you first read them, you might think the scenarios are exaggerated to make a point. If you really look at it honestly you can also see how exaggerated, they aren’t.
* * *
Scenario 1
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.
1957 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2022 – School goes into immediate lock down, FBI and media are alerted, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called for all of the traumatized students and teachers. Media interviews replayed for days.
Scenario 2
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 – A crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2022 – Teachers alert the police, and the SWAT team arrives only moments before the Media — Johnny and Mark are arrested. They’re both charged with assault and expelled even though Johnny started it. The Media interviews experts on how to control the terrible violence in schools and they are replayed on numerous stations across the country.
Scenario 3
Jeffrey will not be quiet and well-behaved in class; he disrupts other students.
1957 – Jeffrey is sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt the class again.
2022 – Jeffrey is immediately tested for ADD and given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie like creature. The family then applies to SSI, and Jeffrey is labeled “disabled”. The monthly government checks begin to arrive. The Media does a three-night special on the networks concerning the national pandemic of ADD and praises the benefits of Ritalin.
Scenario 4
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2022 – Neighbor’s immediately call the police. Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse; Billy is removed to a foster care facility for evaluation. He soon joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom then has an affair with the psychologist and makes a guest appearance on the Jerry Springer Show. Film at eleven!
Scenario 5
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 – Mark shares his aspirin with a friend who also has a headache, and he feels much better.
2022 – Teachers immediately call police, and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations (zero tolerance). His car is then searched for drugs and weapons. Media proclaims continued drug problems in the school systems and Oprah Winfrey does a two-hour special.
Scenario 6
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and then goes to college.
2022 – Teachers are concerned for Pedro and his cause is taken up by the state authorities. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files a class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from the core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can’t speak English.
Scenario 7
Johnny takes leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July and puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a nest of red ants.
1957 – Ants die.
2022 – ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called in. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism for mishandling explosives. The FBI investigates his parents – and all his siblings are removed from their home and all computers confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terrorism watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Protesters and morons picket the family home because they are against domestic terrorism. A dangerous traffic jam is created by all of the Media vans attempting to get a little face time on camera.
Scenario 8
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 –In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2022 – Other teachers and Johnny’s parents accuse Mary of being a sexual predator and she loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison and when released becomes a well-educated street walker. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and drugs and eventually finds God, shaves his head, and is now working full-time at the airport playing a tambourine.
* * *
Do you honestly think I exaggerated a bit? Some of this is certainly tongue-in-cheek but a lot of it isn’t. I’m glad of two things; one is that I’m not a kid attending school these days, and secondly, that my children would have been taught by me the basics on how to best survive liberal academics and their constant propagandizing.
HAVE A MERRY POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS
These last few weeks I’ve been inundated with football facts, game reviews and a general feeling of unease. That means that I’ve got no dog in the Super Bowl hunt this year. Without a team to support I find almost everything else a little boring. I’m not by any stretch of the imagination an avid sports fan and now I remember why. I’ve always been bored watching games but listening to the hundreds of so-called experts’ blather on and on makes me nauseous. I’ve dug down deep into my trivia files and have found a few interesting quotes from some of our gallant football gladiators. Here they are . . .
- “If you can’t make the putts and can’t get the man in from second on the bottom of the ninth, you’re not going to win enough football games in this league, and that’s the problem we had today.” Sam Rutigliano – Cleveland Browns coach
- “He fakes a bluff.” Ron Fairly – New York Giants commentator
- “I don’t care what the tape says. I didn’t say it.” Ray Malavasi – St. Louis Rams coach
- “I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid.” Terry Bradshaw, player/announcer
- “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.” Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints general manager
- “I want to rush for 1000 or 1500 yards, whichever comes first.” George Rogers, New Orleans Saints running back
- “He (his coach) treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.” Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver
RAH! RAH! RAH!
How are you feeling today? It’s early in the morning on the day after Thanksgiving and I may not have to eat for another few days. Some people say that gluttony is a sin and believe me I was doing some serious sinning yesterday. It was a fabulous meal and for the first time in my life I celebrated Thanksgiving with just one person, my better half. Two hungry foodies sharing a thirteen-pound turkey and 4 or 5 side dishes. It’s morning and I feel like Jabba the Hut. With that descriptive thought in your head how about I load you up with a gaggle of food trivia items and tips to make you feel a little like I do.
- Tip #1: Here’s a tip for you to always remember when preparing Thanksgiving dinner. Never, I repeat never pick up a hot dish fresh out the oven without some hand protection. As with anything protection (and I do mean everything) is mandatory. I slightly burned my fingers and dropped a dish full of yummy sweet potatoes into the sink along with the dirty dishes. Never fear I ate them anyway.
- Tip #2: Never ever attempt to share a kitchen with a loved one in the throes of “chefdom”. Make no direct eye contact, keep low, and keep moving, and offer no advice about anything. It’s hard for them to hit a moving target.
- The most popular Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor is Cherry Garcia. Unfortunately, I was stuck with half a quart of Cookies & Cream and killed it.
- Tip #3: If by chance you been ordered by a doctor to use only a prescribed salt substitute on your food. Send them an emergency text with the message “KMA”. Hopefully they’ll get the message and understand it. Pass me the real salt.
- Tip #4: When attempting to make a delicious gravy never overuse the corn starch. Within 15 minutes of serving the meal my delicious gravy began to clot. It was not a pretty sight but again I ate it anyway.
- A medium-sized potato provides 45% of the recommended daily value of vitamin C for an adult. I should be good for at least five more days.
- The first cooking school was started by Julia Carson in New York City in 1876. There have been many hundreds of cooking schools since then and unfortunately, I never attended any of them. I give a whole new meaning to the terms, “ad-libbing” and “just a pinch or two” when referring to my cooking skills.
- Tip #5: Always have a fully stocked first-aid kit within reach while cooking. A standard first-aid kit seriously lacks any medicines to properly treat serious burns. Also, if you are a person with large hands pick up a box or two of the extra-large absorbent bandages to sop up any emergency blood loss.
I certainly hope your Thanksgiving was as good as mine was barring any unforeseen catastrophes or injuries. I’ll be sure next year to be fully stocked with emergency supplies and a half gallon of really good ice cream.
TWENTY-NINE SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
I absolutely love sarcasm and sarcastic people. I’ve been one most of my life even before I knew what sarcasm actually meant. I’m a natural. I’ve honed my skills for decades with virtually everyone I’ve ever met and had a conversation with. Amazingly about half of those people never realized just how sarcastic I was being. Too bad, it’s their loss. Recently I happened upon the holy bible of sarcasm. It’s The Official Dictionary of Sarcasm published by Mr. James Napoli, Vice President of The National Sarcasm Society. I was thrilled to find someone sympathetic to the plight of sarcastic people. I thought I’d share a few of Mr. Napoli’s sarcastic meanderings and possibly get some of you uneducated to real sarcasm a thrill. Let’s start with just the “A’s”.
Woody Allen – He’s some elderly creep who married his barely college-aged, adopted stepdaughter. Also apparently made films or something, although any such accomplishments are often usurped by the act of marrying his barely college-aged stepdaughter.
The Amish – A sect of self-sustaining people whose way of life is so different from the current ideological mainstream that it’s a wonder nobody’s bombed them yet.
Animals – Creatures that leave us very few options besides hunting them, eating them, keeping them as pets, or locking them in a cage. That’s just how it is when you hold dominion over all of nature.
Antsy – What irritating, twitchy people were before they have the luxury of saying they had something called restless leg syndrome.
Apartment – This is a place to throw your money away on rent before you throw your money away on a mortgage.
Appliance – Something a man gives his wife for her birthday to subtly indicate that the sexual spark between them is horribly, irretrievably gone.
Appreciate -A word commonly used by superiors to indicate that they want you to do a task patently outside of your job description and that doing it will result in their undying gratitude and heartfelt admiration but absolutely no pay.
Artistic – Having skills or ability in a creative field. It is surprisingly easy to identify artistic talent during youth, as the budding artists are usually the ones getting the crap kicked out of them at recess.
Atheist – A person who privately prays that they don’t turn out to be wrong.
Awesome – A word most properly used to denote something truly breathtaking, unbelievably magnificent, or strikingly wonderful. It is now used to describe everything from a half decent meal to a show of support for someone who just landed an entry-level job at Staples.
That’s just a sample from the first letter of the alphabet. I have twenty-five more letters to go and will be sharing them with you occasionally in the next few months. I’m sure you will all enjoy them as much as I do. (Sarcasm Off)
SARCASM RULES
This post will be rather shorter than my usual efforts due in part to a rather unpleasant afternoon ahead of me. I’m two hours away from my seventh colonoscope (that’s right, I said seven) and my mind is wandering elsewhere (like right around my ass). That being said I’d like to quickly entertain you with some interesting quotes concerning our society’s obsession with TV. I’m addicted myself and have a love/hate relationship with my addiction and all of my TV’s. Here’s what some profession media types think.
Anonymous TV Quote
“The electronic device that intersperses gory slaughter with the brushing of teeth.”
Woody Allen
In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.”
Daid Frost
“TV is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn’t have in your home.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“Why should people go out and pay to see bad films when they can stay at home and see bad television for nothing?”
T.S. Eliot
Television is a medium of entertainment which permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at the same time and yet remain lonesome.”
Lily Tomlin
“If you read a lot of books, your considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you’re not considered well viewed.”
Frank Zappa
I can’t understand why anybody would want to devote their life to a cause like dope. It’s the most boring pastime I can think of. It ranks a close second to television.”
Groucho Marx
“I find television very educating. Every time someone turns on the set I go into the other room and read a book.”
I really have to agree with most of these critics and at the same time I feel I’ve just been royally chastised for enjoying my addiction. Although, I shouldn’t be too surprised. I’ve had a number of addictions over the years and there were always plenty of so-called experts around to offer their opinions. So, to remain consistent I’ll ignore these experts like I’ve ignored all the others. They have their nerve!
TV SUCKS, AND I STILL LOVE IT.
In recent months the term “Fake News” has become popular. I hate to burst anyone’s bubble, but “Fake News” has been around for a very long time. The younger generations think that they’ve discovered some outrageous political trick that never existed before they discovered it. As an example, many years ago my son (aged 13) came rushing to me all excited. He told me to sit down and listen to this great song. He told me it was being used on a TV commercial and it was the best song he ever heard. I sat down and he played it for me, and I just started grinning. The song he discovered was at that time already a golden oldie, it was the Righteous Brothers singing Unchained Melody. He was sure it was some group from his generation. “Fake News” is a new term, but it has always meant the same thing: lying, misrepresenting, and double speak. George Orwell has been proven right once again. Here are a few samples of so called “Fake News” from the past.
2003: President George W. Bush for his creative use of language in public statements regarding the reasons the United States needed to pursue war against Iraq.
2002: New York State Board of Regents for its politically correct and silent editing of state tests.
2000: The tobacco industry for its media blitz portraying tobacco companies as the benefactors of children, abused women and disaster victims. That is abusive language in pursuit of their right to sell a deadly drug.
1991: Department of Defense for obfuscation and jargon in euphemisms during the first Gulf War.
1990: President George Bush on wetlands, the Panama invasion, Tiananmen Square and the “No New Taxes” pledge.
1989: The Exxon Corporation for the “Exxon Valdez” oil spill obfuscation.
1985: The CIA for the Psychological Warfare Manual prepared for the Nicaraguan war.
1979: The nuclear power industry for its euphemisms and jargon during the 3-Mile Island accident.
1977: The Pentagon and the Energy Department for language cover-up of the neutron bomb development.
1975: Colonel David Opfer, USAF press officer in Cambodia for saying to reporters, after a raid, “You always write its bombing, bombing, bombing. It’s not bombing! It’s air support!
HERES MY FAKE NEWS ANNOUNCEMENT – “FAKE NEWS IS TRUE”
LOL
With tax time approaching I decided to harken back to maybe not a better time, but a time when our citizenry lived within their means. There was a national debt, but it was a mere drop in the bucket compared with our current situation. It motivated me to take a look back and see how our economics have changed in the intervening years.
- In 1900, the United States treasury showed a surplus of nearly $47 million in income over expenditures. The last time the federal budget was balanced was in 1969.
- President Carter’s “lean and tight” budget of $500 billion for the fiscal year 1979 equals the spending of $690,000 a day since the birth of Christ. To dispose of this amount of money in a year, the government has to spend $951,000 a minute, $57 million an hour, or $1.37 billion a day, including holidays and Sundays.
- Andrew Carnegie, one of the richest Americans ever, practically became allergic to money as he grew richer and older. He was offended, he said, just by the sight and touch of it, and never carried any. Because he had no money with him with which to pay the fare, Carnegie was once put off of a London Tram.
- According to the 1970 US Census, only 5000 Americans had a net worth of $10 million or more.
- The longest jury trial ever in the United States federal courts began on June 20, 1977 and ended on July 10, 1978. It took the judge almost an hour to read the verdicts on 49 separate questions. During this antitrust action, by SCM Corporation against Xerox, it is estimated that both sides spent well in excess of $60 million in attorney’s fees.
- The federal government keeps billions of dollars – much of it taxes collected by the Internal Revenue Service – in bank accounts that draw no interest. Banks turnaround and invest much of these deposits in U.S. Treasury bills, on which the government frequently pays more than 9% interest. Incredibly, the government is paying the banks to borrow back its own money.
- It costs $4000 per inch to build an interstate highway project on the fringe of New York City in the late 1970s – over 215 million per mile. Just imagine what the current costs must be.
- Until there was a pay raise in 1814, US Congressmen were paid six dollars per diem when Congress was in session. I think it might be just a little higher these days.
- To finance the Civil War, a 3% income tax on all incomes over $800 was enacted by the federal government in 1864. It was the first time in income tax was enacted in the United States. The law was discontinued in 1872. The United States Supreme Court declared the law unconstitutional in 1894. Not until 1913, with the adoption of the 16th amendment, the income tax become law.
- In the 1800s, big industry began to set up trusts to monopolize production and distribution. The first big trust was Rockefeller’s Standard Oil Corporation, in 1882. The first international trust was Nobels Dynamite Trust, in 1886.
LOOKS LIKE DINNER AT JOE’S HOUSE
Today will be a first for this blog. I’ve covered many and varied topics over the years but today is something special. Today I’ll be discussing cows and cow poop. I’ve heard certain insane environmentalists insist that all of the cows on the planet are affecting the earth due to excessive farting. I think it’s a load of crap (no pun intended) but I suppose I could be wrong. Here’s some additional crap for you to digest (again, no pun intended) to help you make an informed decision.
- There are an estimated 1,294,604,000 head of cattle on Earth. Some are cows and some are bulls but for this discussion let’s call them all cows.
- There are approximately 4.93 people for every cow.
- There is no rule that says all these cows couldn’t potentially be eaten. There also is no rule that says all this meat couldn’t be turned into juicy and delicious burgers. Point of fact, each 850-pound carcass would provide 310 pounds of edible meat.
- Using the above information there are approximately 1,605,308,900,000 (1.61 trillion) quarter pounders masquerading as cows. At 15 cents each, buns for those quarter pounders would cost approximately $240.,000,000.
- These burgers could provide all the 4.472 billion adults on Earth with the maximum calorie allowance for 36 days. To summarize, all the cattle currently on earth could feed adult humanity for five weeks.
- The worlds 1,294,604,000 each cow poops up to 16 times per day and beef cattle produce up to 65 pounds of poop daily.
- Hold your nose for this one. 11,747,273 tons of poop are produced worldwide every day.
- Hold your nose again. Over the course of a year 15,367,758,619 tons of cow poop is produced.
- 2.41 tons of manure per person are produced worldwide annually. This much poop could cover an area two and a half times the size of Rhode Island to the height of a man. P and U !!!!
- Disposing of all this poop is a serious problem. As many as two-thirds of households in the developing world depend on poop as a significant fuel source. Tragically, as many as 4 million women and children are estimated to die every year from respiratory disease triggered by the smoke from wood and poop fires.
Therre it is. Everything you always wanted to know about cows and cow poop but were afraid to ask. My suggestion is for all of us to eat as many burgers as humanly possible and to build a three-story mansion made totally from cow poop. We have to try and be as ecologically respectful as we can if we want to save the world. LOL
COW POOP RULES!
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