I was watching Peacock Network last night and made the mistake of tuning in a show where Snoop Dog and three moron friends reviewed videos of stupid people, both criminal and criminally stupid. Between all of the F-Bombs and gratuitous crap about weed, I was bored to tears. So today I’ll give you my written version of that and nary an F-Bomb will be heard. Stream this Doggy boy!
DONT ASK R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver’s license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
THIS WOULD BE ME The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, “Crook, come forward.” Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.
WRONG ALIBI In Springfield, Mo. Vernon Wayne Richmond, 18, stood up in court to give the details of his crime as part of a plea bargain to cocaine possession. Richmond said he found cocaine, put it in his pocket, and then was arrested by police after a Wal-Mart guard detained him. Unfortunately, Richmond had misunderstood which of his cases the plea was for. Actually, the district attorney was prosecuting him for an earlier arrest for having cocaine in his car and was unaware of the Wal-Mart arrest.
LAY THAT PISTOL DOWN, BABE In Annapolis, Md., during a celebration of Gregory Johnson’s 32nd birthday, his cousin Darwin Derwood Coates, 21, tucked a .22-caliber handgun into the waistband of his trousers and accidentally shot himself in the groin. As guests tried to assist Coates, Johnson relieved him of the gun and stuck it in the most convenient place he could find, which was the waistband of his own trousers. The gun fired again, striking Johnson in the buttocks. Both men were hospitalized.
Yesterday I posted a few tidbits concerning sexual weirdness laws still being enforced here in our country. With weirdness being the operative word, I thought I would continue with a few more obscure and weird facts that you may not be aware of. It seems that the list grows longer and longer each year.
The first step on the moon by astronaut Neil Armstrong was made with his left foot.
More Americans choke on toothpicks than on any other item. Ballpoint pens are running a close second.
The “gag” rule was instituted in the Senate in 1836 so the Senators would not have to accept, debate, or vote on anti-slavery petitions.
Fingernails grow faster on your dominant hand.
Tickling requires surprise. Since you can’t surprise yourself, you can’t tickle yourself, either.
Fifteen million blood cells are produced and destroyed in the human body every second.
The human body has enough fat to produce seven bars of soap.
Investor, entrepreneur, and philanthropist Warren Buffett began his illustrious career by collecting and selling lost golf balls.
Over a lifetime, an average human being spends approximately 6 months on the toilet.
Ironically the official motto of the state of New Hampshire, printed on its license plates, is “Live Free or Die”, and those license plates are made at a state prison.
This quote belongs to Nancy Reagan and is one of my favorites.
I thought I’d start this post with a look-back to April 8, 1974. Being the baseball fan that I am, I’d like to remember “Hammering Hank”.
Hank Aaron Breaks Babe Ruth’s All-time Home Run Record
On April 8, 1974, Hank Aaron of the Atlanta Braves hits his 715th career home run, breaking Babe Ruth’s legendary record of 714 homers. A crowd of 53,775 people, the largest in the history of Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium, was with Aaron that night to cheer when he hit a 4th inning pitch off the Los Angeles Dodgers’ Al Downing.
As a follow-up to that story, I like to make a comment about my hometown team. Just to let everyone know (including JB), the Pittsburgh Pirates still suck. They’ve taken sucking to a new level, and it pains me to even watch a game they’re playing. It’s the beginning of another season and I refuse to get my hopes up. Bring back Roberto Clemente, Bill Mazeroski, Dick Groat, Rocky Nelson, Dick Stuart, and Willie Stargell and then play some real baseball. I think I sound a little bitter but that’s all right, because “I am”. It’s time for that organization to start spending some money and getting some quality players or it’ll be another 30 years before we see a World Series appearance.
Today’s post will be short and sweet. I was drawn back into the arms of medical community this week with blood work and a CT scan. I sure haven’t missed that hospital, that’s for certain. I pissed away my entire day today being passed from one room to another and poked and prodded by a new group of strangers.
This was the beginning of my last (hopefully) quarterly scan. If the cancer remains in remission, I’ll be looking forward to a twelve-month period of being doctor-free as well. Next week’s two visits will tell the tale. The Oncology department will be tearing apart the results of these tests to give me a final determination on the cancer. I’m keeping my fingers crossed as you can imagine. Here’s two appropriate medical limericks to end this lovely effing day.
Approximately 10 years ago I posted a list of 100 things that I hated. At the time I was criticized for being a little too harsh about certain people and certain things. Now that I look back on it that was probably a valid criticism, but times have certainly changed. I found that original list few days ago stored in a directory on my computer that I’d forgotten all about. After reviewing it again I decided to make some changes because after my last two horrible years my attitude has changed quite a bit, mostly for the better. I can honestly say that all those years ago I shouldn’t have used the word Hate. I’ve rereviewed the list and pared it down to just forty things that really annoy and aggravate me. Here it is . . .
1. Stupid People
2. Rosie O’Donnell
3. Dirty Fingernails
4. Criminals
5. Funerals
6. Backward Baseball Caps
7. Large Groups of People
8. Dumb Cashiers
9. Stinky Feet
10. Night Farts
11. Bugs Crawling on Me
12. Terrorists
13. Know-It-Alls
14. Hospitals
15. Oprah Winfrey
16. Will Ferrell
17. Fake Fingernails
18. Smell of Urine
19. Women Missing Teeth
20. Political Correctness
21. Liberals
22. Drug Users
23. Clowns
24. Organic Food
25. Liars
26. Dirty Toilets
27. Roadside Death Shrines
28. Jehovah Witnesses
29. Fake Boobs
30. Ass Kissers
31. Stinky Breath
32. Wet Farts
33. Ugly Feet
34. Jeans with Holes
35. Arrogant People
36. Noisy Radios
37. Texting While Driving
38. Granny Panties
39. Penis Caught in Zipper
40. Ex-Wives
I will admit one thing after doing all of this editing. There are five things on this list that I really do hate but I’m not going to specify which ones. You be the judge. Make up your own list and then find those few things that really make you crazy. Then match it against my list and you should be able figure out my five.
As you may have guessed, I’ve been around a while and my memories go back many years. I survived the 60’s and 70’s with only minor damage and tried desperately to forget everything about the 80’s and 90’s. The new millennium was a big letdown, and it still remains just that. This little ditty was written in 1978 or there abouts. I was smoking a lot of Weed in those days so I’m not entirely sure about the exact date. Take a trip back with me.
❤THE GENERATION GAP❤ Your Dis’n me, I’m Dis’n you, It’s all just Greek to me. It’s wicked hot, she’s wicked cool, I’m wicked confused you see.
I thought our slang from years ago was a cool and groovy thing. We’d rap all night about far-out stuff and what the future might bring.
Peace Man! Protest marches, and on into the night. We’d smoke some weed and drink some beer, it’s what made everything alright.
Stop the war! Kent State Revenge, was what we thought was cool. Pass the beer, we can crash over here, so, we’re a little late for school.
To mix and match the old and new really must be done. To help prepare for whatever new and the nonsense that’s sure to come.
I received this list many years ago from a very close friend. Where he came by it, I don’t have a clue. Someone obviously put a great deal of thought into it, and I guess that’s a good enough reason for me to pass it on. Do I agree with everything on it, NO WAY! But again, it’s not just about me. It’s a bit of a long read but you never know, you might find a pearl of wisdom or two in it.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE
-Eat plenty of whole rice. -Give people more than they expect and do it willfully. -Learn by heart your favorite song. -Don’t believe anything you hear and do not sleep as much as you would like to. -When you say, “I love you”, say it truthfully. -When you say, “I’m sorry”, say it with eye contact. -An engagement period of 6 months is crucial before marriage. -Believe in love at first sight. -Never mock others’ dreams. -Love deeply and passionately. You may get hurt, but this is the only way to live life to the fullest.
-Deal with discontentment, fight fairly but do not offend. -Do not judge others because of their relatives. -Talk slow, think fast. -When someone asks you a question you do not want to answer, smile and ask: “Why do you want to know?” -Remember that the greatest love and the greatest successes also hold many risks. -Call your mom. -Bless a person who has just sneezed. -When you lose, do not lose the lesson. -Remember: Respect for yourself, respect for others and responsibility for your actions. -Do not allow a small disagreement to hurt a great friendship.
-When you notice you have made a mistake, take the appropriate steps in order to correct it. -Smile when you answer the phone. Those who call can “hear” your smile. -Marry the person you love talking to the most. When you get old, conversation will be important more than anything else. -Spend some time alone. -Accept change with open arms; yet do not give up your values. -Remember that sometimes, silence is the best answer. -Read more books and watch television less. -Live a good, honorable life. Later, when you grow old and remember the past, you will enjoy them once more. -Believe and trust god, whomever / whatever you conceive God to be, but securely lock your car. -An atmosphere of love at your home is most important. Do all that you can in order to create a calm home full of love.
-Do not bring back the past. -Read in between the lines. -Share your knowledge. It is the way to live forever. -Be gentle with our Earth planet. -Pray. Prayer has incredible power. -Never interrupt someone who flatters you. -Take care of your problems. -Do not trust a man or a woman who do not close their eyes when you kiss them. -Once a year, visit a place you never did before. -If you make a lot of money, channel it so as to help others while you are alive. This is the greatest satisfaction a treasure can reward you.
-Remember that sometimes, not getting what you want is being very lucky. -Learn all the rules, and then break some. -Remember that the greatest relationships are the ones in which the love between two people is greater than the need one has of the other. -Judge your success in light of what you had to give up in order to obtain it. -Relate to love and to the kitchen completely.
Well, it looks like winter is finally fading away. What does that mean to most of us? Warm weather and lots of sports. Today I want to combine your love of sports with my love of limericks. Here are four limericks concerning golf and baseball. Enjoy!
I’ve been called a sarcastic SOB more times than I can count, and those comments came from friends and family. Here are a few excellent examples of sarcasm for those of you who are sarcastic and those of you who wish you could be so absolutely wonderful. Enjoy!
Conservative – Someone who hates liberals because they have, at least once, seen themselves naked.
Hangover – A condition that makes figuring out who is next to you in bed this morning take anywhere from 5 minutes to a lifetime.
Indictment – Something that has been handed down every 20 minutes since roughly 1986.
In-law – A person who has the right to tell you how to live your life conferred upon him or her by marriage.
Rent – A monthly occurrence that demonstrates how readily one can get blood from a stone.
Slacker – A term that attempts to draft an air of coolness onto being a lazy bastard.
Slut – A vexing example of the inherent sexism still running rampant in our society, slut is a word for which there is no male equivalent; and certainly not one that even comes close to implying the same level of skankiness.
Swearing – Use of profanity. A vulgar and coarse way of expressing oneself that comes in really handy for everything from bumping one’s head to ending a long-term relationship.
Implants – Things that even when you discover are fake, somehow doesn’t really matter.
Hallmark – A company that has made untold millions off the fact that it’s a bitch to come up with something nice to say about the people you love.
Grandparents – A couple of old farts who have decided to give you all the unconditional love they quite obviously withheld from your parents.
Daughter – One’s female descendent. Fated to grow up and leave you for some worthless douche bag.
Commitment – 1. The act of binding oneself to a specific path, usually as regards a relationship with a romantic partner. 2. Consignment to a mental health facility. 3. There may be no difference between one and two.
Chaos – A state of extreme disorder. Captured perfectly in nature by the contents of a woman’s handbag.
Chaste – Morally pure; decent. A quality known in the dating scene as a waste of your time and effort.
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