Archive for the ‘Bitch & Complain’ Category
As much as I dislike writing about politicians and politics, I do love reading information from noteworthy individuals who were either famous or infamous. When I see good quotations I squirrel them away for later use on this blog. With a beautiful weekend looming I’ve decided to keep things light and to pass a few of them along for your amusement. In these quotations attempts have been made to explain exactly what a politician is all about. My answer for that question is much harsher than theirs and quite possibly harsher than yours. I hope you enjoy these as much as I did because they seem to have the right idea explained in a more pleasing fashion.
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“Successful . . . politicians are insecure and intimidated men. They advance politically only as they placate, appease, bribe, seduce, bamboozle or otherwise manage to manipulate the demanding and threatening elements in their constituencies.”
Walter Lippman, The Public Philosophy, 1955
“A politician is . . . trained in the art of inexactitude. His words tend to be blunt or rounded, because if they have a cutting edge they may later return to wound him.”
Edward R. Morrow, Address, London Guildhall, 10/19/59
“A politician thinks of the next election; a statesman thinks of the new generation.”
James Freeman Clark, Sermon, 1888
“The “press conference” is a politician’s way of being informative without saying anything. Should he accidentally say something, he has at his side a “press officer” who immediately explains it away by “clarifying” it.”
Emery Kelen, Platypus at Large, 1960
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Does any of this remind you of anyone currently holding office. I’ll just bet it does. As much as each generation thinks that everything it does or says is groundbreaking and earth shattering, they’re wrong. It’s all been done many times before but called something else by the more imaginative politicians and their speechwriters.
KNOW YOUR PAST
For most of my working life I’ve had the misfortune to work with hundreds of attorneys. Some great, some good, some average, some incompetent, and some just plain stupid. As the overall number of attorney’s increases the likelihood of hiring an incompetent or dumb attorney increases as well. My job working in state government for seven years placed me in an uncomfortable position directly between the accused defendants and a small army of public defenders. Talk about a rock and a hard place! A thankless job to be sure but OMG did I get an education. I think I actually learned more from the criminals than from their representatives.
I also was exposed to hundreds of witnesses whose sole purpose was either to help free an accused or to put him/her away for as long as possible. The only common denominator I found throughout the judicial and correctional systems was a massive amount of DUMB. These following quotes are actual statements between attorneys and people called to the witness stand in a plethora of criminal matters. Enjoy them and be glad they aren’t representing you.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
Witness: No
Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July 15.
Attorney:. What year?
Witness: Every year.
Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
Attorney: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Attorney: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim’s vagina show?
Witness: There were traces of semen.
Attorney: Male semen?
Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a disposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Believe me when I tell you that these are just the tip of the “stupid” iceberg when it comes to the criminal justice system. It’s no joke when someone tells you that the term “Criminal Justice System” is the ultimate oxymoron. It is scary stupid every minute of every day especially when you spend two days a week inside a jail. I spent during my time with the State Judicial Branch close to seven hundred days inside jails interviewing prisoners and watching the system at work. Every time I walked from a jail at the end of the day I breathed a sigh of relief and thanked God I was not incarcerated and needed no help from an attorney. DUMB AND DUMBER!
On a regular basis I use quotations to help me explain my opinions on things in a way easy to understand and most times humorous. These quotations can be from famous celebrities, educated teachers, and even the occasional politician who might have something interesting to say. The majority of the persons quoted are deceased which must make them much smarter than when alive. I can’t explain that but it seems to be true.
Comics like Mae West, George Carlin, and Richard Pryor were funny as hell before they died and for some reason many of their quotes are even funnier now. Maybe it’s just the person who’s doing the repeating of those quotes. The most under appreciated author of thousands of quotes and humorous thoughts is almost never properly recognized for his/her efforts in keeping us smiling and laughing. That person goes by two aliases, Unknown and Anonymous. Most of the truly profound quotes by this person are repeated often by many people in their everyday conversations and have been for years. Here’s an example of three:
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Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Anonymous
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There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
Unknown
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Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Anonymous
We’ve heard these quotes for most of out lives although the wording may have changed a little as each decade slides by. They’re still funny and insightful from that ever present Anonymous philosopher. Wouldn’t you enjoy sitting with Mr. or Ms. Unknown/Anonymous for a lunch and follow up conversation? To laugh a lot and appreciate the humor and content of his/her thoughts for just a little while. Common sense seems to be a rarity these days and a person’s ability to communicate profound ideas and thoughts in a humorous way is the rarest gift of all. Here are a few more quotes for your enjoyment.
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9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Anonymous
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Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.
Unknown
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Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily as lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Unknown
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She’s been up and down more times than a whore’s drawers.
Anonymous
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A kiss: To a young girl, faith; to a married woman, hope; to an old maid, charity.
Unknown
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The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.
Anonymous
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Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
Unknown
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Ten percent of something is better than 100% of nothing.
Unknown
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Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
Anonymous
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It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Anonymous
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Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
Unknown
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Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Unknown
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Don’t brake until you see god, then brake like hell.
Unknown
That list is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Who this Anonymous or Unknown genius is really isn’t all that important. It’s somehow getting his/her ideas out there for us to read, digest, and pass-on that is the important thing. I’ve always found myself drawn to the Anonymous quotes first because for me they represent all of us. The John Doe’s, the Jane Doe’s, and the John Q. Public’s, who seem to have more knowledge than expected and the secret ability to communicate without rudeness or condescension. It’s a true talent.
That being said here is maybe my all time favorite Anonymous quotation. Every time I read it I just smile. It tickles my funny bone and I’m not sure why. It might tell you a little more about me and my sense of humor and that’s okay too.
With the holiday fast approaching I decided to have an easy day by posting some more of that useless crap everyone seems to love. Some of these are really interesting and others not so much. I hope you trivia lovers out there make good use of this valuable and uninteresting nonsense.
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A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
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When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop … even your heart.
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40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
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The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
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The average housefly lives for one month.
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A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
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The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
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Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
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The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it’s head are the rabbit and the parrot.
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Michael Jackson’s estate owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
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In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
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The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
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Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were seventh cousins.
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Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
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There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
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A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
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There are more chickens than people in the world.
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Two-thirds of the world’s eggplants are grown in New Jersey.
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The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
I’m still debating with myself as to what sort of posting I should do for the holiday. I’m not really interested in flying the flag with all of the normal corny stuff you might expect. I’ve done it in the past but it leaves me feeling a little disappointed in myself that I can’t come up with something a little more original. I’m sure to have it figured out by tomorrow.
It’s been a few weeks since I slipped back into journal mode but with the summer beginning I thought I should catch up a little. It’s been raining off and on for more than a week forcing us to be house-bound once again. With all of this rain the garden is flourishing and beginning to look like my own personal jungle.
The summer plans are once again being readjusted due to family obligations by my better-half. What I initially thought would be a quiet summer is slowly slipping away. I shouldn’t be all that surprised since it happens more often than not.
I spent more than a little time yesterday attempting to get my chores in order. If you garden you don’t need to be told just how important maintaining a compost pile is. Unfortunately that magic doesn’t just happen. It must be maintained just like anything else and this week I took steps to do just that. There’s nothing as much fun as standing ankle deep in compost and turning the pile. My compost consists primarily of grass clipping left to rot. The smell is unforgettable and the larger the pile becomes the worse the smell. With the over abundance of rain the amount of clippings being saved is huge. I no longer have a compost pile but a compost mountain. What a dirty but necessary job.
My cucumber wine is progressing nicely. The aroma is rather nice but I haven’t tasted it yet. It needs to progress a little further into the process because it would only taste like yeast at this stage. My better-half finally put up a batch of blueberry wine which we’re both looking forward to drinking. It seems that almost anything made with blueberries always tastes wonderful. The blueberries also make almost anything they’re mixed with taste even better. This Fall should be very productive for jams and jellies with the rain making for fat and luscious berries.
With the Fourth of July approaching we’re planning a couple of beach days. The weather looks as if it will be cooperating for a change so we’ll really be able to enjoy ourselves. The better-half is insisting we make a short visit to our local amusement park to enjoy a few rides and a visit to a small kiosk that specializes in Chinese chicken wings. She has a serious addiction to wings that hasn’t lessened over the years. Just recently we made a trek to our favorite spot in Portland for outstanding chicken wings. The Great Lost Bear is known for it’s hot wings and believe me they are unbelievable. Their super hot version will almost certainly kill you but I guarantee you’ll die happy with a smile on your face.
Now that the heaviest rain storms are over and things are drying out I’ll be able to get into the woods for some head-clearing alone time. My camera and lenses have been cleaned to within an inch of their lives and are ready for some heavy use. I can’t wait.
So, we’ll celebrate the countries birthday this coming week as well as the life, death, and times of Thomas Jefferson. I’m pretty sure if he were here he wouldn’t be celebrating all that much but that just my humble opinion. I’ll get back to my normal postings soon enough and I’m looking forward to an interesting summer. I hope you are as well.
I’ve spent the last week listening to and hearing about all the wonderful things the politicians and government are proposing to resolve and fix all of our countries problems. I’ve been a constant critic of this country’s politicians for some time now and if you know me at all that should be an red flag. I’ve always been a patriotic citizen well schooled by my father and grandfather and proud of their service to this country as well my own. To have me bitching and complaining about the Unites States is something I always knew was expected but never thought would be necessary. With the asinine proposals I’ve been listening to about the handling of illegal immigration and border control, I think I need to speak up once again.
We now exist as a “nanny nation” in an atmosphere of give-away’s. Pay farmers not to grow crops, entitlements out of control with no one even attempting to slow them down, and full benefits for every illegal immigrant who can find his/her way illegally from any where. Close to thirty percent of the population is collecting food stamps and almost an equal number are on some sort of disability. In my humble opinion any person who believes that drug addiction and alcoholism are disabilities that require government subsidies, needs to buy a ticket on the next boat to any other country they’d like to live in. I‘d vote a big “Yes” for temporary government subsidies to help all of those folks pay for their relocation. Maybe Europe would be the place for them to settle. They went down this road themselves over the past forty years and are now suffering the obvious consequences.
Taxing the money-makers and giving that money to alleged needy people and illegal immigrants is insane. I hate to tell you but when the number of people collecting entitlements out numbers the money-makers, the end is near. Socialism can destroy any nation if permitted to flourish and if you don’t believe that ask anyone from the former Soviet Union. You can also check in with any number of the European countries currently on the verge of default. I’ll bet anything if they could go back and make a change they would.
I guess my question is this. Is drifting into socialism a logical progression when certain groups attempt to demonize hard work as a problem to be dealt with rather than a goal to be reached? I don’t have all of the answers but as any damn fool can see, the leaders of this country don’t either.
Is it too late to stop this madness? Unfortunately I think it probably is. This insidious propaganda has been fed to use for decades and it appears a majority of citizens are just going along to get along. The old statement about “inmates running the asylum” has more meaning now than ever before.
I spend a great deal of my time these days adapting to a whole list of changes to my life I never anticipated or expected. I thought that as I grew older things would settle down somewhat and the amount of change I’d be forced to deal with would lessen. Wrong once again.
One obvious change that occurs to us all eventually is getting older. Adjusting to it sounds easy but as all of you will find out eventually, it isn’t. You must learn to adapt to your new position in society of being the older person, constantly accused by almost everyone with being out of touch with our current reality. Even people you know and love begin treating you differently and it can be hurtful.
Everyone assumes that once you reach a certain age you’re all of a sudden a mouth-breathing moron with no working memory. Snide little comments from loved ones are especially hurtful but you must learn to adapt. Some seniors become bitter and spiteful only because they can’t think of any better solutions. Those kind of actions just further that ugly senior stereotype that require the infamous eye-roll or the subtle shoulder shrug between people you’re talking to when you’re not looking. It’s disrespectful and rude but your hands are tied. If you confront them then your being old, difficult, and set in your ways. If you turn the other cheek it just makes the possibility of it occurring again much more likely.
So here’s a few tips for you seniors out there. Keep up with all of the Pop Culture nonsense so when someone in their teens or twenties mentions a celebrity you have a clue. Be able to talk about something other than your current medical conditions. Fight the stereotype everyday. If you take a backseat to discussions that make you uncomfortable that’s where you’ll be relegated to stay for the rest of your life.
Our past memories really don’t interest most people because "it’s all about them”. Only people your own age can appreciate many of the things from our youth and the drastic differences we now must deal with. It’s hard work to keep up with this balls-to-the-wall insanity we call our every day life. Spend time with people other than other seniors. Carry on meaningful conversations about politics, relationships, and child rearing. Not everything we remember is just old-folks reminiscing. We’ve already experienced this stull and can be helpful if we pass the information along intelligently and not preaching. No one likes to be preached to.
The following information should make most seniors smile. If read by anyone younger it would seem to them like they’ve been foraging through an archeological dig in Egypt and found a transcript of life in the days of old. Read on and learn something if you’re interested, if not don’t.
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HIGH SCHOOL — 1958 vs. 2013
Scenario 1:
Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.
1958 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2013 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1958 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2013 – Police called and SWAT team arrives — they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They’re both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1958 – Jeffrey sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2013 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1958 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2013 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1958 – Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2013 – The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1958 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2013 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1958 – Ants die.
2013 – ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents – and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1958 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2013 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
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Is it any wonder why we at times choose to look back. This is the reason we occasionally reminisce and really, do you blame us. If I could go back and do my life over again I sure wouldn’t do it now, in this time and place. Just saying.
Today I intended to further explore the use of the English language where names are concerned by talking about nicknames we humans insist on giving to our private parts. The list of nicknames is endless but the main body parts targeted normally for nicknames are the vagina, penis, and occasionally the breasts. As a kid (age 7-11) and before my sex life truly existed my friends and I had already named our penises. I have no idea why we did but it could have been as simple a reason as "because it was there". Our fascination with our penises was intense at that age because if you must know it was the center of our young universe. Unfortunately it still is.
Our little group of five perverts constantly discussed those things that were most important to us; our penises, girls, and that greatest mystery of all, sexual intercourse. We almost declared a national holiday when our buddy Frank reported at one of our private meetings in our secret hidden club house that he had what we later found out was his first orgasm. He explained in great detail just what he’d done and how it felt. We were all astounded by his description of the feelings he had but were somewhat confused by his report that nothing came out of his penis when he came. We’d been told by the experts (our older friends) that there would be sperm. That discussion went on for another six months as were tried to figure out what Frank had done wrong.
Eventually we were called to an emergency meeting at the clubhouse when Frank finally reported that some “white stuff” had finally appeared after he masturbated. We did everything but declare him king of the effing world. We put him through the third degree until we were all satisfied he was giving us the absolute truth.
You should also know that during the next few months we were all diligently practicing in the privacy of our homes trying to duplicate what Frank was reporting. Shortly after his report on the "white stuff" we as a group demanded he show us specifically how he did it. We retired to his house and the five of us squeezed into his little bathroom where he began his demonstration. He used a little soap on his hands and began to furiously masturbate. He kept saying he was almost there as we waited patiently. The mood was immediately broken when his mother threw the door open and caught him in the act and all of us watching. Many of you can talk about your most awkward moments but this one was by far my worst. My second worst moment was when I got home to find out that Frank’s mom had ratted us all out. My mother was not happy.
Frank practically tore his penis off trying to put it away. His poor mother was probably never quite the same again either. Needless to say it took years before any of us could look her in the eye without turning a bright crimson. We all learned two valuable lessons that fateful day. One, soap is our friend and two, lock the freaking door.
We learned never to do anymore sexual exploring at anyone’s home. We confined our discussions and demonstrations to our club house where all of the best reading material (skin mags) was available for our use. Later on as we grew more curious we invited one or two of the neighborhood girls to the club house for a few games of "show and tell". There was no sexual activity just a very clinical study of their genitals and their study of ours. It was around that time that my penis received his first nickname, I called him "Charlie".
I have to admit that years later after my sex life had been firmly established Charlie’s nicknames became much more interesting. Charlie became confused at times because he was forced to suffer through a long list of really tacky names that he really didn’t care for. I never told any of my female sex partners that all of those silly name they insisted on calling him meant nothing to him or to me. His real name was and always will be Charlie and all the sexual attention in the world from them and their vaginas could never change that.
I was thinking about listing a number of the more common genital nicknames in this posting but I thought this story would be more poignant and informative than a cold and unemotional list. Besides you men out there already know the most common nicknames currently in use. Unfortunately you women out there only think you know your man’s actual name for his penis.
I seem to have centered all of my attention in recent days to male and female issues to the exclusion of all else. It’s time to get back to what this blog is all about, Totally Useless Information. There seems to be a never ending supply of useless facts and stupid information to keep me and this blog going for many years to come. I’ve already turned myself into a huge steaming pile of trivia which may come in handy some day playing Trivial Pursuit but not for much else. Maybe if I spread the information around a little it will make room in my skull for other new and useless things I may stumble upon. These factoids were collected from hither and yon and have no reason to exist other than to humor us. Here goes nothing.
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More than ten people a year are killed by vending machines.
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President George W. Bush was once a cheerleader.
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The average person spends three years of his or her life on the toilet.
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Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
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Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.
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More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world.
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There is a village in Ireland called Muff, and they have their own diving club.
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Seven percent of Americans eat at McDonalds every day.
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The only First Lady to ever carry a loaded revolver was Eleanor Roosevelt.
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Polar bears are left-handed.
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McDonald’s did away with its spoon-shaped coffee stirrers because people were using them to snort cocaine.
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Men who kiss their wives in the morning live five years longer than those who don’t.
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Outside of the bedroom, the most common place for adults in the U.S. to have sex is in a car.
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At any given hour there are an average of 61,000 people airborne over the United States.
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Seven pitches is the average life span of a Major League Baseball.
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Twenty nine percent of women spend more time shopping for shoes than they do looking for a life long mate.
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According to statistics, Australian women are most likely to have sex on the first date.
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It’s impossible to sneeze and keep your eyes open.
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The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
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The U.S. Government spent $277,000 on pickle research in 1993.
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American Airlines saved $440,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each first-class salad.
I hope that’ll ease the withdrawal pains caused by your useless crap addiction. I’m afraid I’m too far gone to be helped so I’ll just keep on collecting this stuff and shovel it off to you. As always, your welcome.
I thought I’d write a little about marriage today. Seeing as how more marriages fail than survive, it makes one wonder what’s the point. Even knowing it only has a 50/50 chance of success doesn’t seem to stop people from jumping right into a relationship that’s complex and difficult on it’s good days. Even the massive effort by members of the gay community to legalize marriage truly puzzles me. I sometimes think it’s just a way for them to feel like the rest of us, married, miserable, and alimony and child support eligible.
As an officiant in a wedding more than a year ago I had my eyes opened even further about weddings and their preparations. The wedding I was involved with was a down-to-earth, simple, and beautiful one. No thousands of dollars spent on a one-time dress, no catered meal, no huge hall, or any of the more stupid things like releasing doves. It was elegant and beautiful. Does that give that marriage a better chance of success? I doubt it.
The number of cottage industries that have originated to feed the marriage expectations of millions of people also boggles the mind. Event planners, depending on the wedding size, make much more money for their services than some weddings cost. As we all know some people spend many thousands of dollars on what everyone considers an institution with terrible odds of succeeding. That’s a kind of gambling most people would never attempt, not even in Las Vegas.
That being said, in my efforts to better understand I found myself wandering the highways and byways of the Net looking for information of this holy of holy experiences (I hope you know that was sarcasm). Some people have made the decision to have a humorous wedding. Why? I have no clue. I suppose humor might make taking the plunge a little less terrifying. Here are two examples of some of the new and funny vows (again sarcasm) to help lighten up the ceremony:
I (name), take you (name), to be my beloved wife. I promise to love you and be your faithful partner, for better for worse, for richer, for poorer, when the Jets are winning, and when they are losing, in sickness, and in health, and in Jets-induced sickness. I will be true and loyal, and cherish you for all the days of our lives.
I take you as my wife to have and hold, love and cherish, to honor and mostly obey. I promise to make you number one in all of my life’s biggest decisions. While I don’t promise not to make you mad, I promise to apologize…when I think it’s my fault. I want nothing more than a long and happy life together. Do you?
I can’t imagine asking someone to marry me and have them take the entire thing so lightly as to use vows like that. Here are a few quotes about marriage that really are funny and insightful. Not fake funny like those stupid vows.
"Only one marriage I regret. I remember after I got that marriage license I went across from the license bureau to a bar for a drink. The bartender said, "What will you have, sir?" And I said, "A glass of hemlock." ~ Ernest Hemingway
"Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out." ~ Michel de Montaigne
"What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility." ~ Leo Tolstoy
"My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked." ~ Winston Churchill
"There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again." ~ Clint Eastwood
"I tended to place my wife under a pedestal." ~ Woody Allen
"Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet." ~ Mae West
I could write ten thousand more words on marriage, the traditions, and the ever increasing costs. But because it would push me into a major depression I refuse to do it. You can thank me later. I’ve been through the marriage ringer myself and after nineteen years we failed miserably. So maybe my comments and sarcasm are reflective of that awful experience. Even so, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s a risky proposition on it’s best day. To all of you heterosexuals and homosexuals I wish you the best. Those marriages that truly work are the best thing that can happen to two people in love with each other. If it doesn’t work it can also be the most traumatic nightmare ever and haunt you for years.
Good luck to you all. My best advice is to elope to Las Vegas. Save yourself a trip to bankruptcy court (no sarcasm in that statement).
everyuselessthing.com 