Archive for the ‘Bitch & Complain’ Category
Being a man has certain responsibilities which include a genetic predisposition and fascination with boobs. It must be something genetic because I can honestly say that I’ve never met any heterosexual men or homosexual women who have not been seriously interested in them. Today’s post is of course tongue-in-cheek and meant to be off-the-charts humorous, so here’s a warning for any complainers and bitchers out there . . . save your energy because all derogatory comments will be blocked. This is not a site to voice political agendas of any kind . . . so don’t waste my time and yours with long and uninteresting political tirades. This list has been around a very long time but being a man requires that I once again make it available to my brothers and half-sisters who haven’t seen it before.
If this post offends you then I would recommend you STOP READING IT now.
And good luck finding your sense of humor.
An Ode to Breasts
(o)(o) perfect breasts
( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) high nipple breasts
(@)(@) big nipple breasts
oo A cups
{ O }{ O } D cups
(oYo) wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts
(o)(O) lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) pierced breasts
(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma’s breasts
( – )( – ) flat against the shower door breasts
|o||o| android breasts
($)($) Dolly Parton’s breasts
Joke of the Day
And God created ‘woman’ and she had three breasts. He then asked the woman, “Is there anything you’d like to have changed?” She replied, “Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?” And so, it was done, and it was good. Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in her hand, “What can be done with this useless boob?
And then God created man.
💖💖💖
As I sit here this morning looking for inspiration for this post I received a text message from my grandson. He just received from his parents his first real phone and he immediately reached out to me with a typical text from someone his age (11). It consisted of about 60 rows of poop emojis with a short sentence, “My gift to you LOL.” I’m not sure why it is that kids love talking about farting and pooping exclusively but it seems to be something trending online as well these days. Tick-Tock is full of farting individuals blasting away in crowded street scenes. I have to admit it’s incredibly funny and apparently poop humor starts at a very young age. Hoping that the “little shit” (no pun intended) will someday read this post and learn a few more disgusting facts about poop he needs to know.
- People often fart shortly after they die.
- The most germ laden place on your toilet isn’t the seat or even the bowl. It’s the handle.
- The average healthy adult expels between 100 and 200 grams, almost half a pound, of feces every day.
- More than 6.5 million Americans have fecal incontinence – the inability to control the passage of stool – and most of them are women.
- Americans used 36.5 billion rolls of toilet paper every year, which represents at least 15 million trees.
🧻🧻🧻
- Most people produce 1 to 4 pints of gas and pass it approximately 14 times per day.
- The foul odor of flatulence comes from intestinal bacteria as it releases gases that contain sulfur and, in some cases, methane, one of the greenhouse gases responsible for global warming.
- Adolf Hitler suffered from chronic flatulence, for which he took anti-gas pills.
- 40% of the world’s people have no toilet, and must use the bathroom in any public place they can find: bushes, roadsides, alleys, etc.
- In a humid environment like the bathroom, a single bacterial cell can multiply into 1 billion cells overnight.
🚽🚽🚽
Well, there you have it folks, everything you never wanted to know about poop and its related activities. And a special thanks to my grandson (the poop specialist) for his inspiration.
💩GO, GO, GO💩
I went out early this morning to do a little food shopping and I noticed something that’s been bugging me for a while now. It seems to me that people these days are just criminally boring. One of the few pleasures that I’ve had over the years has been locating and reading funny bumper stickers. Those types of bumper stickers are damn hard to find anymore and I’m not sure why. I guess we can thank the WOKE generation for all of those good influences (that was sarcasm). The only thing you see these days are decals on their rear windows telling the entire world how many kids they have, what pets they have, what sports they like, and what schools they attend. It’s like a shopping list for perverts and pedophiles.
One of my favorite things when I purchased a new car was to always find just the right bumper sticker. Many years ago, I purchased a cute little orange Gremlin. It was a cool little car, and I immediately chose an appropriate bumper sticker that said, “Honk If Your Horny.” I received lots of comments from a variety of people and it was always good for a chuckle or two. I once loaned that car to my sixty-five-year-old very Catholic mother for her weekend shopping trip to Pittsburgh. When she got home, she couldn’t wait to tell me how friendly the people in Pittsburgh were because they were honking and waving to her wherever she went. I didn’t have the heart to tell her about the bumper sticker, but she eventually found out. Funny, she never asked to borrow that car again.
I just never see those interesting kind of bumper stickers anymore. Here are a few samples of bumper stickers that are still out there but they’re few and far between. Most drivers these days are deathly afraid of offending someone. So, with that being said, here are a few you might enjoy but be careful about who you show them to, they might get offended.
I’m looking for true love, but I’ll settle for cheap sex.
Ask me if I care.
Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go everywhere.
Love is a four-letter word.
If your phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.
See Dick drink. See Dick drive. See Dick die. Don’t be a dead Dick.
Nobody’s ugly after 2 A.M.
Fight Crime. Shoot Back.
Ask me. I might.
It is as bad as you think, and yes, they are out to get you.
HAPPY MOTORING
Is there anyone out there who doesn’t think the media is a problem these days? I do miss the days of reading newspapers because there were so many inaccuracies and misstatements, it was fun just to search them out and have a laugh or two. Now if we want to read a newspaper you got to go online and sign up for their website, fill out a form with all of your information, and agree to accept all the crappy spam they decide to send you. Then they can and will sell your information to damn near anyone. In the past I’ve made a lot of fun of the written media only because there’s so much information out there that’s worth a laugh or three. Apparently, the worst job you can have in written media is being an editor. It’s also apparent from the information I’ve been reading that if they have editors, they aren’t all that bright. Here’s a short selection of headlines from newspapers and I cannot believe any alleged editors were doing their job. Here we go . . .
- Statistics Show That Mortality Increases Perceptively in the Military During Wartime What editor in his right mind let this one slip through?
- Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter Unbelievable!!!
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted We live in a time of geniuses.
- NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach I wonder if he’s required to wear a robe for that.
- Never Withhold Herpes from Loved One There some good dating advice . . . NOT!
- If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly It May Last a While Another Rhodes scholar.
- Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency Thanks to the tobacco lobby for this one.
- Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier than Clean Ones, Study Shows Another genius observation.
- Fish Lurk in Streams This might be great for a Bass Pro Shop logo.
GOD HELP US ALL
Do you like hot, humid, and sticky weather? Do you really and truly love having everything you own covered in green pollen? I’ve spent most of my life dreading the arrival of Spring and Summer and hay fever season. I have no known allergies to food or medicines but the one allergy I do have is the worst, Pollen. I spent many summers playing baseball in all kinds of weather and suffered through pollen attacks every year. Over the years doctors have tried every medicine known to man to help me with this allergy with absolutely no positive results.
Just as an example, I cut the grass yesterday, and I was partially incapacitated for a couple hours after I was done because I couldn’t catch my breath, and I couldn’t stop sneezing. I’m sure there are hundreds of thousands of people out there with the same allergy and they have my sympathies because no matter what you’re told nobody has a clue on how to properly deal with it. I guess that’s why the company that makes Benadryl has done so well through the years. I have a large jar of Benadryl in my nightstand and for about two weeks every Spring I eat them like jellybeans (and sleep a lot).
The only good thing that comes out of this allergy is my ability to sneeze 20-25 times a day. This might sound a little weird, but I love sneezing. I had a dear friend explain to me many years ago that one sneeze equals approximately 1/8 of an orgasm. So, if I sneeze 24 times a day I get three free orgasms, no charge. You know what they say, when life gives you free orgasms, smile and enjoy them. Here are a few things you might also want to know about sneezing . . .
- The Greeks believed if you sneeze to the left, bad luck was in your future. If you turn to the right during the sneeze, you will prosper.
- Ancient people believed a sneeze could give you an advantage in an argument. If your opposer believed evil spirits escaped the body during a sneeze, you could easily ‘spook‘ him by sneezing near him. This would throw him off guard and help you win the argument.
- Good luck is in your future if you sneeze when going to bed. But don’t sneeze on your partner. Otherwise, good luck or not, you will not have a partner for long.
- If you feel a sneeze coming on, but you don’t sneeze, watch out! That means you are going to lose someone or something dear to you.
- There are some ‘cures’ for sneezing. Press your upper lip hard and recite the alphabet backwards. No particular alphabet is recommended.
- You can stop a sneeze just by pressing on your lip, just below your nostrils. That apparently deactivates the sneeze mechanism.
- Every culture has the custom of invoking some god or spirit after a sneeze. The “God Bless You” originated with the Christians. But it’s a carryover from the Romans who took to invoking Jupiter to preserve them every time they sneezed.
- A Zulu child is taught to say “Grow.” To the Zulus, sneezing is a sign of good health. In Persian culture, everyone in the presence of someone who sneezes prays. The Arabs avoid sneezing entirely by washing out their noses with water each evening.
- Sneezes have even inspired a rhyme. It even matters what day of the week you sneeze. Here’s the rules . . .
Sneeze on Monday, sneeze for danger.
Sneeze on Tuesday, kiss a stranger.
Sneeze on Wednesday, receive a letter.
Sneeze on Thursday, receive something better.
Sneeze on Friday, sneeze for sorrow.
Sneeze on Saturday, see your lover tomorrow.
Sneeze on Sunday, your safety seat,
Or the Devil will have you, the rest of the week.
MAY BUDDHA BLESS YOU
- Seventy percent of Swedish women claim to have participated in a threesome.
- Every year more than 11,000 Americans hurt themselves trying out bizarre sexual positions.
- The average person spends two weeks of their life kissing.
- Forty-six percent of women say a good night’s sleep is better than sex.
- Elvis Presley called his penis “Little Elvis.”
- The sperm count of American men is down thirty percent from thirty years ago.
- Americans spend more money each year at strip clubs than that all the theaters and classical concert halls in the country combined.
- In ancient Greece and Rome dildos were made out of animal horns, ivory, gold, silver, and even glass.
- Only thirty-one percent of men admit to looking at other women when in the company of their spouse or girlfriend. Their partners say the figure is actually closer to sixty-four percent.
- In ancient Rome, men found guilty of rape had their testicles crushed between two stones as a punishment.
And here’s one of my all-time favorite sexual facts: Four popes have died while participating in sexual acts.
(and)
I come from a long line of dog lovers. My parents always had multiple dogs for many years. My father ran a training kennel for beagles and our home and yard was always filled with twenty to thirty puppies. I spent my formative years feeding, grooming, and shoveling many wheelbarrows loads of 💩💩. If I was being punished for any reason (and there were many), I was forced to clean the kennels in my bare feet during a rainstorm. Yes, you guessed it, I am not a dog person. I love most dogs but the ones I like best are those that are owned by someone else. I love playing with dogs and they love playing with me but then I get to go home, and they don’t. I’m sure some of you dog lovers out there will be moaning and groaning over this post but the truth is the truth. I’m a decades long cat lover. To help you get through this post here are a few “dog” jokes for all of you “dog” people and I hope they make you smile.
- A dog walks into a bar, he jumps up on the barstool and says to the bartender, “Hey, today’s my birthday. Do I get a free drink?” The bartender replies, “Sure, the toilet is around the corner.”
Q. What’s a dog’s favorite wine? A. “Please, please, please throw my ball”!
- A great Dane walks into a bar and calls to the bartender, “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . water.” The bartender looks at the Dane and says, “What’s with the long pause?” “These?” the dog asks, looking down at his feet, “I’ve had them all my life.”
Dog Haiku’s
My human is home!
Joy oozes from me
Onto the kitchen floor.
🐶🐶🐶
How do I love thee?
The ways are as infinite
As my hairs on the rug.
🐶🐶🐶
I feel it in my fur
The seasons of the fleas
Is upon us again.
BOW WOW DAMMIT!
Being a former police officer has gone a long way to make me skeptical of virtually every person I talk to. I’ve mellowed over the years but in my dealings with people I’m still very careful. I decided recently to clean out some old files from cabinets in the man cave and a lot of that material was collected during my years as a cop. The following items are actual statements made to traffic accident investigators by drivers who caused the accidents. These are all actual statements made on actual police reports by actual lunatic drivers. Read them, enjoy them, and please don’t use them if you ever have an accident.
- “A pedestrian hit me and went under my car”.
- “The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.”
- “I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.”
- “I was taking my canary to the animal hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash.”
- “I saw the slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.”
- “An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.”
- “The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I with my right front bumper removed his left rear taillight.”
- “In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
- “I pulled away from the side of the road glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.”
- “The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
- “I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became smashed.”
🚓🚔🚓
BE CAREFUL OUT THERE
After two weeks of nonsense and having discussions with so many alleged experts on blogs, I’ve been returned to normal (whatever that means). Fortunately, I’m rather bald these days so it wasn’t possible to tear the rest of my hair out. Talking computers and blogs with a host of super-nerds from California to the Carolinas made my head hurt and awakened a rage in me that I forgot I had.
I’ll be posting tomorrow to get back on schedule posting only on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.
I hope WordPress understands that my earlier post covered in “poop” emoji’s was written during a frustrated fit of anger. I still love you guys.
SEE YOU TOMORROW
The sound of doors opening and closing on Star Trek is a flushing toilet.
- Archaeologists in Sweden found a 9000-year-old piece of birch resin with teeth marks in it. The sticky, robbery sap must’ve been chewed, making it the world’s oldest ever chewing gum.
- According to a survey of Americans, 2% of the people interviewed reported experiences that indicated they might have been abducted by aliens. This would mean that one in every 50 Americans had been abducted – that’s over 5 million people at the rate of 2740 per day. Skeptics point out that this would mean the skies over America must be full of hundreds of alien spaceships every night.
- Up to 60% of the solid part of your poo is not made up of food, but of bacteria from your gut.
- The first vending machine was invented by Hero of Alexandria around 215 B.C.E. When a coin was dropped into a slot, its weight would pull out a cork from a spigot and the machine would dispense a trickle of water.
- Elephants are among the world’s most potentially dangerous animals, capable of crushing and killing any other land animal, from rhinoceroses and lions to human beings. They kill on average of 500 people every year.
Roller coasters were invented to distract Americans from sin.
- An average estimate is that there are approximately 75 trillion cells in the human body, that’s 75, 000, 000, 000, 000. Incredibly, there are 10 times as many bacteria cells living in your gut as there are in the rest of your whole body.
- There is a risk that mankind’s thirst for knowledge could destroy itself. Known as the “Frankenstein Effect,” our scientific and technological advances could very well prove fatal. Risk areas include nanotechnology, plagues, and AI’s.
- Every day at least one volcano is a rocking somewhere on the earth.
- The mantis shrimp is a delicacy in China, where it is used in a dish known as “pissing shrimp” because the mantis shrimp urinates itself when put in a cooking pot.
Sloths can hold their breath longer than dolphins can.
And here’s a tidbit that might keep you from moving to the state of New Jersey. It is illegal to wear a bulletproof vest while committing murder. As stupid as that seems it’s against the law in Louisiana to “gargle in public places”.
STUPIDITY RULES IN POLITICS
everyuselessthing.com 