I went out early this morning to do a little food shopping and I noticed something that’s been bugging me for a while now. It seems to me that people these days are just criminally boring. One of the few pleasures that I’ve had over the years has been locating and reading funny bumper stickers. Those types of bumper stickers are damn hard to find anymore and I’m not sure why. I guess we can thank the WOKE generation for all of those good influences (that was sarcasm). The only thing you see these days are decals on their rear windows telling the entire world how many kids they have, what pets they have, what sports they like, and what schools they attend. It’s like a shopping list for perverts and pedophiles.
One of my favorite things when I purchased a new car was to always find just the right bumper sticker. Many years ago, I purchased a cute little orange Gremlin. It was a cool little car, and I immediately chose an appropriate bumper sticker that said, “Honk If Your Horny.” I received lots of comments from a variety of people and it was always good for a chuckle or two. I once loaned that car to my sixty-five-year-old very Catholic mother for her weekend shopping trip to Pittsburgh. When she got home, she couldn’t wait to tell me how friendly the people in Pittsburgh were because they were honking and waving to her wherever she went. I didn’t have the heart to tell her about the bumper sticker, but she eventually found out. Funny, she never asked to borrow that car again.
I just never see those interesting kind of bumper stickers anymore. Here are a few samples of bumper stickers that are still out there but they’re few and far between. Most drivers these days are deathly afraid of offending someone. So, with that being said, here are a few you might enjoy but be careful about who you show them to, they might get offended.
I’m looking for true love, but I’ll settle for cheap sex.
Ask me if I care.
Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go everywhere.
Love is a four-letter word.
If your phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.
See Dick drink. See Dick drive. See Dick die. Don’t be a dead Dick.
Nobody’s ugly after 2 A.M.
Fight Crime. Shoot Back.
Ask me. I might.
It is as bad as you think, and yes, they are out to get you.
Is there anyone out there who doesn’t think the media is a problem these days? I do miss the days of reading newspapers because there were so many inaccuracies and misstatements, it was fun just to search them out and have a laugh or two. Now if we want to read a newspaper you got to go online and sign up for their website, fill out a form with all of your information, and agree to accept all the crappy spam they decide to send you. Then they can and will sell your information to damn near anyone. In the past I’ve made a lot of fun of the written media only because there’s so much information out there that’s worth a laugh or three. Apparently, the worst job you can have in written media is being an editor. It’s also apparent from the information I’ve been reading that if they have editors, they aren’t all that bright. Here’s a short selection of headlines from newspapers and I cannot believe any alleged editors were doing their job. Here we go . . .
Statistics Show That Mortality Increases Perceptively in the Military During Wartime What editor in his right mind let this one slip through?
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter Unbelievable!!!
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted We live in a time of geniuses.
NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach I wonder if he’s required to wear a robe for that.
Never Withhold Herpes from Loved One There some good dating advice . . . NOT!
Eye Drops Off Shelf OMG!
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly It May Last a While Another Rhodes scholar.
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency Thanks to the tobacco lobby for this one.
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier than Clean Ones, Study Shows Another genius observation.
Fish Lurk in Streams This might be great for a Bass Pro Shop logo.
Do you like hot, humid, and sticky weather? Do you really and truly love having everything you own covered in green pollen? I’ve spent most of my life dreading the arrival of Spring and Summer and hay fever season. I have no known allergies to food or medicines but the one allergy I do have is the worst, Pollen. I spent many summers playing baseball in all kinds of weather and suffered through pollen attacks every year. Over the years doctors have tried every medicine known to man to help me with this allergy with absolutely no positive results.
Just as an example, I cut the grass yesterday, and I was partially incapacitated for a couple hours after I was done because I couldn’t catch my breath, and I couldn’t stop sneezing. I’m sure there are hundreds of thousands of people out there with the same allergy and they have my sympathies because no matter what you’re told nobody has a clue on how to properly deal with it. I guess that’s why the company that makes Benadryl has done so well through the years. I have a large jar of Benadryl in my nightstand and for about two weeks every Spring I eat them like jellybeans (and sleep a lot).
The only good thing that comes out of this allergy is my ability to sneeze 20-25 times a day. This might sound a little weird, but I love sneezing. I had a dear friend explain to me many years ago that one sneeze equals approximately 1/8 of an orgasm. So, if I sneeze 24 times a day I get three free orgasms, no charge. You know what they say, when life gives you free orgasms, smile and enjoy them. Here are a few things you might also want to know about sneezing . . .
The Greeks believed if you sneeze to the left, bad luck was in your future. If you turn to the right during the sneeze, you will prosper.
Ancient people believed a sneeze could give you an advantage in an argument. If your opposer believed evil spirits escaped the body during a sneeze, you could easily ‘spook‘ him by sneezing near him. This would throw him off guard and help you win the argument.
Good luck is in your future if you sneeze when going to bed. But don’t sneeze on your partner. Otherwise, good luck or not, you will not have a partner for long.
If you feel a sneeze coming on, but you don’t sneeze, watch out! That means you are going to lose someone or something dear to you.
There are some ‘cures’ for sneezing. Press your upper lip hard and recite the alphabet backwards. No particular alphabet is recommended.
You can stop a sneeze just by pressing on your lip, just below your nostrils. That apparently deactivates the sneeze mechanism.
Every culture has the custom of invoking some god or spirit after a sneeze. The “God Bless You” originated with the Christians. But it’s a carryover from the Romans who took to invoking Jupiter to preserve them every time they sneezed.
A Zulu child is taught to say “Grow.” To the Zulus, sneezing is a sign of good health. In Persian culture, everyone in the presence of someone who sneezes prays. The Arabs avoid sneezing entirely by washing out their noses with water each evening.
Sneezes have even inspired a rhyme. It even matters what day of the week you sneeze. Here’s the rules . . .
Seventy percent of Swedish women claim to have participated in a threesome.
Every year more than 11,000 Americans hurt themselves trying out bizarre sexual positions.
The average person spends two weeks of their life kissing.
Forty-six percent of women say a good night’s sleep is better than sex.
Elvis Presley called his penis “Little Elvis.”
The sperm count of American men is down thirty percent from thirty years ago.
Americans spend more money each year at strip clubs than that all the theaters and classical concert halls in the country combined.
In ancient Greece and Rome dildos were made out of animal horns, ivory, gold, silver, and even glass.
Only thirty-one percent of men admit to looking at other women when in the company of their spouse or girlfriend. Their partners say the figure is actually closer to sixty-four percent.
In ancient Rome, men found guilty of rape had their testicles crushed between two stones as a punishment.
And here’s one of my all-time favorite sexual facts: Four popes have died while participating in sexual acts.
I come from a long line of dog lovers. My parents always had multiple dogs for many years. My father ran a training kennel for beagles and our home and yard was always filled with twenty to thirty puppies. I spent my formative years feeding, grooming, and shoveling many wheelbarrows loads of 💩💩. If I was being punished for any reason (and there were many), I was forced to clean the kennels in my bare feet during a rainstorm. Yes, you guessed it, I am not a dog person. I love most dogs but the ones I like best are those that are owned by someone else. I love playing with dogs and they love playing with me but then I get to go home, and they don’t. I’m sure some of you dog lovers out there will be moaning and groaning over this post but the truth is the truth. I’m a decades long cat lover. To help you get through this post here are a few “dog” jokes for all of you “dog” people and I hope they make you smile.
A dog walks into a bar, he jumps up on the barstool and says to the bartender, “Hey, today’s my birthday. Do I get a free drink?” The bartender replies, “Sure, the toilet is around the corner.”
Q. What’s a dog’s favorite wine? A. “Please, please, please throw my ball”!
A great Dane walks into a bar and calls to the bartender, “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . water.” The bartender looks at the Dane and says, “What’s with the long pause?” “These?” the dog asks, looking down at his feet, “I’ve had them all my life.”
Being a former police officer has gone a long way to make me skeptical of virtually every person I talk to. I’ve mellowed over the years but in my dealings with people I’m still very careful. I decided recently to clean out some old files from cabinets in the man cave and a lot of that material was collected during my years as a cop. The following items are actual statements made to traffic accident investigators by drivers who caused the accidents. These are all actual statements made on actual police reports by actual lunatic drivers. Read them, enjoy them, and please don’t use them if you ever have an accident.
“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car”.
“The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.”
“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.”
“I was taking my canary to the animal hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash.”
“I saw the slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.”
“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.”
“The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I with my right front bumper removed his left rear taillight.”
“In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
“I pulled away from the side of the road glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.”
“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
“I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became smashed.”
After two weeks of nonsense and having discussions with so many alleged experts on blogs, I’ve been returned to normal (whatever that means). Fortunately, I’m rather bald these days so it wasn’t possible to tear the rest of my hair out. Talking computers and blogs with a host of super-nerds from California to the Carolinas made my head hurt and awakened a rage in me that I forgot I had.
I’ll be posting tomorrow to get back on schedule posting only on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.
I hope WordPress understands that my earlier post covered in “poop” emoji’s was written during a frustrated fit of anger. I still love you guys.
The sound of doors opening and closing on Star Trek is a flushing toilet.
Archaeologists in Sweden found a 9000-year-old piece of birch resin with teeth marks in it. The sticky, robbery sap must’ve been chewed, making it the world’s oldest ever chewing gum.
According to a survey of Americans, 2% of the people interviewed reported experiences that indicated they might have been abducted by aliens. This would mean that one in every 50 Americans had been abducted – that’s over 5 million people at the rate of 2740 per day. Skeptics point out that this would mean the skies over America must be full of hundreds of alien spaceships every night.
Up to 60% of the solid part of your poo is not made up of food, but of bacteria from your gut.
The first vending machine was invented by Hero of Alexandria around 215 B.C.E. When a coin was dropped into a slot, its weight would pull out a cork from a spigot and the machine would dispense a trickle of water.
Elephants are among the world’s most potentially dangerous animals, capable of crushing and killing any other land animal, from rhinoceroses and lions to human beings. They kill on average of 500 people every year.
Roller coasters were invented to distract Americans from sin.
An average estimate is that there are approximately 75 trillion cells in the human body, that’s 75, 000, 000, 000, 000. Incredibly, there are 10 times as many bacteria cells living in your gut as there are in the rest of your whole body.
There is a risk that mankind’s thirst for knowledge could destroy itself. Known as the “Frankenstein Effect,” our scientific and technological advances could very well prove fatal. Risk areas include nanotechnology, plagues, and AI’s.
Every day at least one volcano is a rocking somewhere on the earth.
The mantis shrimp is a delicacy in China, where it is used in a dish known as “pissing shrimp” because the mantis shrimp urinates itself when put in a cooking pot.
Sloths can hold their breath longer than dolphins can.
And here’s a tidbit that might keep you from moving to the state of New Jersey. It is illegal to wear a bulletproof vest whilecommitting murder. As stupid as that seems it’s against the law in Louisiana to “gargle in public places”.
I occasionally make good-natured fun of women. Admittedly they can be funny as hell but it’s more of an excuse for me to irritate my better-half. Guess what? It works every time. She never fails to try and even the score in any number of ways but even then, I find her attempts at humor even funnier. Today’s post contains a lot of one-liners that will make most of my women readers smile and possibly giggle. The guys may cringe a little and call me an ass but IDC. If you can’t laugh at yourself, you’re beyond help anyway.
What is a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don’t like the idea of a stranger making ninety percent of their decisions.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don’t fit right in the crotch.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is coming.
Why do only 10% of men go to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be hell.
TEN THINGS MAN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
1. They have pussies.
2 – 9 ???
10. They have breasts too.
What’s the difference between a penis and a prick? A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying. A prick is the guy who owns it.
What is the one thing that keeps most men out of college? High school.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Because breasts don’t have eyes.
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, men will screw anything.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Welcome to another hot sweltering and sweaty day in Maine. I’ve been confined to my man-cave because it’s the only place in this house where I won’t sweat through my clothing. It’s so bad even my cat is sleeping on a chair right next to me directly under a fan. I’ve always suspected my cat was more intelligent that it was letting on and this just proves it. Since the cat and I are having a week off from my better-half who is vacationing and visiting relatives in Maryland, we can do as we please for a change. We can eat what we want, sleep when we want, and misbehave if necessary. It’s our vacation too.
Today’s post is prompted by a series of facts I’ve recently discovered concerning wives and mistresses. Since I’m the guy who knows virtually nothing about women, I hoped these snippets would give me a better frame of reference. They probably won’t but what the hell, here they are anyway . . .
👩🏻👩🏻🦰👱🏻♀️
Peter the Great had his wife’s lover executed and his head placed into a jar of alcohol. She was required to keep it in her bedroom at all times. (That’s a kinky threesome, for sure.)
Mary Todd (OMG)
Stephen Douglas’s antagonism towards Abraham Lincoln stemmed partly from the fact that Mary Todd had chosen Lincoln over Douglas as a suitor. Mary Todd met both Douglas and Lincoln at the same time and was courted by both. Her ambition led her to evaluate the two men and she chose Lincoln as the most likely to attain future success and as her own best chance for glory.(Who knew Mary Todd wasn’t just crazy but was a slut too?)
In ancient Greece, women counted their age from the date on which they were married, not from the day they were born, signifying that the wedding marked the start of a women’s real-life.(You could end up with a wife who was supposedly twenty years old but really fifty. Yikes!)
The fourth Mogul Emperor, Jahangir, who ruled from 1605 to 1627, had a harem of 300 royal wives, 5000 additional women, and 1000 young men for alternate pleasures.(The man was obviously horny and insane.)
Alexander Gustave Eiffel, the builder of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, which opened in 1889, created at its peak the highest man-made love nest so that he could carry on his personal trysts. The aerie is now opened to all visitors. (Guys will do anything to get high and get laid.)
👩🏻👩🏻🦰👱🏻♀️
The British trounced George Washington’s depleted army at White Plains, then at Fort Washington, then at Brandywine, then at Germantown, and could have easily delivered the knockout blow at Valley Forge in the ferocious winter of 1777–78. But they didn’t. They didn’t attack because William Howell, the British general in command of George III’s forces in the colonies, had found warm comfort in nearby Philadelphia with a certain Mrs. Loring. By spring, the colonial army was able to wiggle off the hook.(Wow! Our country was saved by one piece of strange.)
The Babylonians auctioned off marriageable girls every year. Men had to bid high for the most attractive girls, and their money provided dowries so that the ugly girls, for whom no one would bid, could find husbands. (I think we should reinstitute this immediately.)
By the end of the 16th century, there were approximately 11,600 courtesans in Venice, twelve times the number of patrician wives. The names and addresses of the courtesans were published in a book, copies of which may be seen today in the library of St. Mark. The courtesans were the only commoners who mixed with ease with the Venetian upper class. (And you thought Las Vegas was bad.)
Catherine the Great BOW WOW!
After his love affair of two years with Catherine the Great, Gregory Alexandrovich Potemkin continued to be an important advisor to Catherine. He even helped to choose many of her subsequent lovers. (Every court should have a well-placed pimp in residence.)
When the Elector of Hanover became George I of England in 1714, His wife did not become Queen because she had committed adultery. He placed her under house arrest in Ahlden Castle, where she stayed for 32 years. Those who knew her fate called her the “Prisoner of Ahlden,” And so she remains in history. Ironically, George had arrived in England with his two mistresses. At that time adultery was only a crime for wives.(I’ll bet her guards were well satisfied.)
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