Archive for the ‘Journal’ Category
I’m in a mood this morning. I have yet to decide whether it’s a good mood, a bad mood, or a I-don’t-give-a-damn mood. It depends more on my interactions today with other people than anything else. Normally I look for something funny or at least a little humorous to set me on the right track for the day but I’m actually feeling like taking a trip down the wrong road. This road leads to tasteless, gross, and raunchy humor. Be warned.
I think I’ll throw in a few filthy limericks, a dirty joke or two, some raunchy riddles, and anything else I can think of. Some of these items and photos might even gross you out a little but hopefully not too too much. Over the years I’ve purchased a number of books in old book stores filled with questionable humor and today I intend to share some of their contents with you. So let’s get started.
Riddles
Q. What’s the difference between frustration and panic?
A. Frustration is the first time you find out you can’t do it the second time, and panic is the second time you find out you can’t do it the first time.
Q. When do you know you’ve had the world’s best head?
A. You have to pull the sheets out of your ass!
Q. What’s the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
A. A rooster clucks defiance!
Q. Who’s the world’s greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in the masturbation contest!
Jokes
A young up-and-coming executive was informed that he would be forced to take a thirty percent pay cut. Later that evening he was discussing with his wife ways in which they could trim some fat from their household budget. “Honey,” he said, “if you could learn to prepare a few meals, we could fire the cook.” “Well, dear,” she replied, “if you could learn to fuck, we could fire the gardener.”
A urologist claimed that he could find any disease just by testing a person’s urine. One man, who had tennis elbow, decided to fool the doctor. He made an appointment, received his specimen bottle, and was told to come back the next day. That night he urinated in the bottle, then his wife did, followed by his daughter, and the the family dog. Then he masturbated into it as well. He returned the next day with his sample and gave it to the doctor for testing. Four hours later the doctor returned. “You know,” he said, “it took me a long time, but I think I’ve finally got it. Your wife has VD, your daughter is pregnant, your dog has mange, and if you’d quit beating off, you wouldn’t have tennis elbow.”
Limericks
All these small cocks (of which we won’t dwell)
Looked no bigger encouraged to swell; I’ve endured the tedium
Of others, classed medium,
But at last – I’ve discovered XL.
Said a President prone to give pecks,
To those areas other than necks:
“Although this is sultry,
It is not adultery –
I’m not even sure if it’s sex!”
-dedicated to Bill Clinton
A well-endowed chap with a cock,
Several sizes too big for his jock,
Eventually found
It was far better wound
Round one leg and tucked into his sock!
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam;
And loud was his mirth
For he knew that, on earth,
There were only two balls – and he had’em.
Well there you have it. What better way to start off your day and the weekend. These were just a rather tame samples of what’s to come (no pun intended). The next time I’ll use the harsher and crazier stuff.
February it seems is a rather boring and utterly useless month. It’s two biggest holidays are Groundhog Day and Valentines Day which says a lot about relevance to me.
It’s such a slow short month that all of our overpaid politicians are forced into action to show the electorate they’ll actually are doing something, even if it’s in February. I can’t list all of the observance that have been piled up into the shortest month of the year because there are just too damn many. The following partial list contains a few weekly observances for this week that will help make my point.
Celebration of Love Week: 7-13th
Children of Alcoholics Week: 7-13th
Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week: 7-14th
Dump Your Significant Jerk Week: 7-13th
Have A Heart for A Chained Dog Week: 7-14th
Jell-O Week: 7-13th
National Secondhand Wardrobe Week: 7-13th
Love Makes the World Go Round; But, Laughter Keeps Us From Getting Dizzy Week: 8-14th
I can just see and hear a group of politicos sitting in a local tavern on any given Friday night telling war stories to each other concerning all of their weeks accomplishments. "I finally got that ‘Dump Your Jerk Week’ observance passed. It’s been a year of hard work getting it pushed through and I was forced to call in all of my IOU’s to do it. It was exhausting work but someone had to finally get it done." His buddy sitting nearby had to do a little one-upmanship, "I had a tough week too. That observance of ‘Love Makes the World Go Round; But, Laughter Keeps Us From Getting Dizzy Week’ was a killer. I spent six months arm twisting damn near everyone to get it passed. The United States is now a better place for it."
I found only two daily observance for February 10th and they are just as stupid. I had to look up the word PLIMSOLL to discover it’s some sort of an athletic shoe. Who knew?
Plimsoll Day
All The News That’s Fit To Print Day
So a great big THANK YOU goes out to those geniuses responsible for cluttering up our lives with more useless crap. We shouldn’t be allowed to vote until we’ve been made to review all of these stupid observances to find out what politicians are responsible for them.
AND THANKS TO NH FOR KICKING HILLARY’S ASS.
‘1969 was an interesting year.’
How to kill an entire Sunday. Let me tell you how I did it. Yesterday my better-half was scheduled to work and I was looking forward to a day of peace and quiet and time to work on MY projects. How could I even dare to imagine something like that, I should have known better.
‘Who loves you Janis’
Unfortunately some months ago I made a commitment to her concerning the laptop she’d just purchased. I promised I’d help her setup the new laptop by transferring all of her photographs from the old to the new. This should teach me a valuable lesson for the future. Never volunteer for something unless you’re absolutely sure you know what your getting into. I thought I knew but apparently I was once again clueless.
‘The spooky Doors.’
I cleared off the kitchen table, fired up both computers, made a pot of coffee, and settled in for what I thought would be an hour or two of work. Oh how stupid I am. Little did I know just how many photo’s she had scattered throughout that hard drive of her old computer. She had pictures from multiple cameras going back six years. There were videos from both her IPhone and IPad and I kid you not . . . more than ten thousand pictures taken with an assortment of past and present cell phones. She apparently has never discovered the use of the delete button. It was a trash dump of photo’s placed on that laptop with absolutely no attempt at organization whatsoever.
‘Jumpin Joe Cocker’
As always I fall back to the old adage “When someone gives you lemons, make lemonade.” I found my own IPod and plugged it in, put on the headset and spent the next seven hours having a 60’s Flashback Sunday. I started out by listening to the entire three days of Woodstock with the original recordings. That required me to immediately switch from just coffee to coffee laced with Drambuie. I then cranked up Joe Cocker, The Band, The Yardbirds, The Hollies, Janis Joplin, The Doors, and even the Greatest Hits of War.
‘My favorite band, The Band. ‘RIP Levon’
At the end of the day I’d transferred no less than twenty-five thousand pictures to the new laptop and was suffering from a serious coffee buzz overlapped with a Drambuie buzz. There’s nothing better than Drambuie so after I finished transferring all the files I stopped drinking the coffee. From that point on it was Drambuie, Amy Winehouse and me. What a great way to spend the day and complete a tiresome project.
‘Sweet Amy’
‘Even sweeter . . . Drambuie on the lips.’
Today I’m back to what I’d call normal but still showing signs of a rather interesting hangover. For some reason my first cup of coffee this morning tasted strangely like Drambuie. How odd! I guess that’s one of the effects of time travel back to the sixties. Along with rocking out, a sore throat from all of the singing along, and being able to return home with no arrests or STD’s to show for it.
That’s what I’d call a good day in any decade.
I awakened yesterday to another snow storm that eventually dropped more than ten inches on us. It was one of those snows that seem to stick to every surface, covering trees and bushes and turning the area into a wonderland. It’s one of the few winter things that can get me to leave the house. As you can see my camera operates just fine in the snow.
Again this morning I discovered even more snow had fallen. I heard the snowplows a number of times during the night as they attempted to keep the roads clear enough to use. The last thing I did before going to bed last evening was to crank up my snowblower and clear the driveway.
My better-half was scheduled for work at 5:30 am and the last thing I wanted was to be awakened early today just to clear snow from the driveway. It’s 09:00 am now and I haven’t heard from her so I can assume you made it to work in one piece. This photo was taken early this morning just as the sun was coming up.
It’s just as beautiful out today as yesterday. The temperature dropped overnight which kept the snow sticking to the trees. Hopefully I’ll get motivated later this morning and get my butt outside for more pictures. Since I’m slowly recovering from this flu I can start getting my life back to normal once again.
I WOULD HAVE LOVED THIS WEATHER AS A KID
‘Here’s our hero.’
Day three of my third bout with a flu, a cold, or some other sort of virus. My best friend for the foreseeable future once again becomes phlegm. Sleeping has become impossible, the coughing never ending, and this fever just plain sucks. Welcome to my so-called life. I’d like to send a big THANK YOU out to all of those medical experts who told me a flu shot would solve all of my winter health problems. BS..BS..BS!!!!
Since I remain somewhat bedridden the days have been dragging along even slower than usual. I hate being even a little sick but this winter season has been the worst ever. It’s been one virus or flu after another for the last two months. I can’t take it anymore.
I do feel a little better now that I have whined to you and gotten most of the anger out of my system. My better-half has been suffering in silence (that is sarcasm) and hasn’t been getting much sleep either. I hope this virus goes away soon before she kills me in my sleep.
‘No really, he’s a good guy.’
Being bored to tears causes most people to do strange and unusual things. I decided to turn on Netflix and to watching the eight seasons of a crime drama called Dexter. If your not familiar with the show it’s about a serial killer who only kills other killers. It is one of the creepiest shows I’ve ever seen where show producers are attempting to convince the audience that the serial killer star is somehow a victim of circumstances. I guess that means if you kill somebody and you had a tough childhood, it’s understandable and the rest of us should be more sympathetic. Screw that. The show went off the air in 2013 with huge ratings and millions of viewers and good riddance to it in my opinion.
This show plays to everyone’s morbid curiosity about death and serial killers for nothing more than stupid TV ratings and money. Say what you will but anyone with children who allows them to watch this crap should be arrested. Nothing like filling the minds of a generation of young people with the thought that killing and dismembering someone is okay if they’re bad people. It’s ridiculous and morally unacceptable but continues to show the downward spiral of the entertainment industry which has been going on for some time.
Is it any wonder that many of the most popular movies on the market these days are animated and made for kids. The people in this country know what’s worth watching and what isn’t or so I thought. The fact that it hasn’t been figured out by the cynical Hollywood crowd is no big surprise either. It’s all about the money and the hell with any consequences.
I’ve criticized this show a number of times when it was being aired and will continue to do so now that Netflix insists are enlarging it’s audience by tens of millions of viewers.
This posting has been my last major rant on the subject and I still hate the show’s approach to TV and their audience.
GREEDY HOLLYWOOD BASTARDS
I hate to admit this but I suspect I’m suffering from something akin to writers block. It’s a first for me and it’s puzzling. In all my years of writing reports, letters, and thousand of blog posts I’ve never had a problem thinking of ideas and putting them to paper. That’s why this current creative hiccup is so bothersome.
I can’t find any mentions of this malady anywhere so let’s just call it a "creative motivational block". I’m still having all of the creative ideas I could ever want or need but my ability to sit down and get them started has become more difficult. I have of dozens of ideas everyday that are inventive, interesting and unusual but it seems to take forever to put brush to canvas or pencil to sketch book. It’s maddening.
The second part of my problem is really not a problem at all. For the first time in my life I’m financially able to spend the necessary money to obtain the supplies needed to do these projects. In years past it was difficult at times to come up with funds which forced me to step outside the box a little and use materials I never thought possible. Maybe the best part of my projects in the past was that ability to overcome those challenges and still get the job done. I really don’t know for sure.
As always the ideas keep coming and while some of them sound good in my head they’re eventually discarded. Others are easy to do and all it requires of me is to sit down and get started. That’s the bloody rub.
I’ll be ready to start a current project when all of a sudden more bright ideas come to me and I get sidetracked by them. I’ll stop to write a few notes on the new ideas and the interest in the other begins to ebb. It’s a vicious cycle that I’m trying desperately to put a stop to with only moderate success.
I feel at times that I’m so concerned with getting my ideas exactly the way I imagined them that I’m losing the ability to adapt to changes that always seem to come along. I’m in the middle of a project now that I’ve been fiddling with for a few weeks. I’ve thought it through over and over again and visualized it to completion. It’s ninety percent complete but I’m lacking that final push.
I’ve always loved challenges but this one is a doozy.
I’ve been hearing weather rumors that we might be getting a few days of warmer temperatures. I hope it’s true because being housebound is starting to make me crazier than usual. My better-half and I have been out a few times just to run errands but it’s been too cold to take those long walks on the beach or in the woods that we like so much.
After just a few weeks of freezing temps the house is already covered in ice and the build-up on the eaves has begun. If we’re lucky this warm-up might just be enough to get the ice melting and dropping to the ground. As you can see by these photo’s there is ice hanging everywhere.
The snow hasn’t melted off much yet and a few inches still remain. From the amount of tracks in our backyard there appears to be quite an assortment of wildlife roaming around after dark. Some of the tracks are a little unusual making me wonder exactly what I’ve been missing. Maybe we have a Bigfoot or two hiding in the woods or just one helluva big dog, bear, or deer. Who knows?
If the weather gods agree I hope to get back into the woods for a few hours this week. Since the snow is only a few inches deep it won’t be necessary to unpack the snow shoes from storage. There always seems to be plenty of interesting things to photograph at this time of the year and some hearty wildlife to chase around for an hour or two.
We’re about three months from getting back outside to begin some of the garden preparations prior to planting. This winter has sped by so fast and Spring will be here before we know it. Then it will be back to work.
CAN’T WAIT!
Can this non-sports fanatic make the grand announcement today? The New England Patriots rolled down the old NFL drain last night against a team from somewhere in Colorado. Not that I really care all that much but it really succeeded in turning my better-half into an insane basket case. We have a agreement on nights when these games are scheduled. She moves to the upstairs family room to yell, scream, and cheer on whatever teams she thinks she supports. I remain downstairs watching whatever I please on Netflix well out of reach of the denigrating influences of professional sports.
‘Ugly Sports Fans?’
I’m not entirely sure where along the way I lost all interest in almost every kind of sporting event. I played many different sports as I grew up and was pretty damn successful in all of them. I had a lot of natural ability and I knew if I became good enough I might just get laid occasionally. Why women and girls are drawn to sports figures is beyond me but it’s a fact of life.
‘Oversized Sports Fan?’
The only sporting events that even remotely interest me these days is the Little League World Series and it’s accompanying playoffs. It’s much more honest and upstanding than what professional sports has turned into. Money is power and absolute power corrupts absolutely . . . so welcome to professional sports. Don’t forget the performance enhancers, steroids, the lying, the dishonesty, and the too many to count criminal indictments.
‘Oversexed Sports Fan?’
I even lost interest in the Olympics decades ago. Patriotism be damned. The political overtones became a constant turn off and I now make a point of religiously avoiding any and all events on any network related to the Olympics. The point of the Olympics originally was to promote a non-violent means for countries to compete and to develops a better understanding of each other. Just think about it for a minute and you’ll realize just how much of a failure that has been. Take a look back to Munich and ask the Israelis what they think about it.
‘Rainbow Coalition Sports Fans?’
Over the last few years I’ve even been forced to give up my small addiction to talk radio. The airways are now dominated by the two things which make my blood curdle, sports and politics. Listening to sports experts 24/7 is akin to having your teeth drilled near the nerve with no Novocain. Even worse than sports are the endless shows of talking heads who claim some sort of expertise and understanding about all things politic. Of course their political views directly coincide with their networks agenda and the possibilities of career advancement if they agree to prostitute themselves and tow the company line.
Welcome to life in the good old U. S. of A. here in 2016.
I’m just lying in bed this morning having my coffee and catching up on the state of our civilization here in the United States. Don’t let that intimidate you, that just means I’m perusing the Drudge Report. I’m not a drudgeaholic but as news goes it’s better than some and worse than others. Unfortunately Drudge like all of the other news outlets seems to have his own agenda at times which puts me off a little when it doesn’t agree with me.
The first thing I noticed was all of the panic and horror being brought on by this world ending 30 inches of snow expected soon in the mid-Atlantic states. Oh yeah, they’ll be severe flooding as well but I’m certain that Obama and FEMA will have things totally under control.
Obama will soon begin his campaign of directing the rest of the country into having community prayer meetings begging whatever God they believe in to save Washington DC from total destruction. Then the media will begin it’s never ending assault on our consciences with heart rendering pictures of overturned cars, children in snow up to their waist, and a recount of all the homeless people forced to stay in shelters. Then the special interest groups will step in and have their web sites ready to go to accept any and all donations to save these poor innocent victims of this horrific "Storm of the Century. If you aren’t reading sarcasm in this, wake up.
As I continued my review of Drudge I came upon an item which pretty much tells the whole story about where things have gotten to culturally in this country. It was a blurb out of the Sundance Film Festival about a much acclaimed movie, The Swiss Army Man. It’s a story based entirely on one man’s relationship with a farting and rotting corpse. It apparently caused many people to just get up and leave the theatre but also as disturbingly many did not. The star, Daniel Radcliffe, of Harry Potter fame should be ashamed of himself. There’s a fine line between avant-garde and just plain disgusting. He apparently hasn’t figured out just where that line is.
Reading that story was enough for me. It motivated me to get the hell out of bed, get dressed, and get on my way to do just about anything else. That certainly doesn’t include reading more about celebrities and pop culture idiots doing their best to show the rest of the word just how far we’ve come. It’s apparent that we in this country have forgotten our history lessons about the all powerful Roman Empire that crumbled and disappeared when their limits of decency and morality were ignored.
I don’t think we’re quite there yet but it seems we’re getting closer and closer each year to their level of idiocy.
HAVE A HAPPY STORM WEEK
I filled up the gas tank of my car yesterday and spent $18.00. I also ordered a heating oil delivery of 100 gallons at $1.30 per. What the hell is really going on? We have all this good news happening and still the stock market is yo-yoing hundreds of points up and down. I’m certainly glad I pulled all of my IRA funds out of the market and bought Certificates of Deposit.
It’s been a number of years since we’ve seen these low prices but I’m not getting my hopes up just yet. Being the cynical SOB that I am I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. There’s no way in hell the powers-that-be can let this go on for much longer. Don’t you know it’s the job of the citizenry to pay more taxes, more surcharges, more fees, and to give, give, give, until it hurts. If you don’t do that or even complain just a little then you’ll be branded as selfish and of course racist. I’ll just keep holding my breath until it’s time to pay the piper for all this temporary good fortune.
‘The end of life as we know it . . . NOT’
I see again that the next gigantic, horrific, and dangerous "Storm of the Century" is making it’s way across the country. I’m supposed to feel bad for all those folks living in the mid-Atlantic states who’ve have mild winters almost every year for as long as I can remember. While we in the north are up to our asses in snow drifts they are posting about the flowers they just planted and closing their schools when they get an inch of snow. Boo-hoo folks. Suck it up, shovel some snow, and fall on your ass a few times. Actually go to a store and buy a snow shovel. See what it feels like to have a little bit of winter to deal with.
Am I being too harsh? Am I not feeling their pain? That would be a big YES. I can sit back for the foreseeable future and listen to every weather person, news commentator, and politician who can get some face-time on TV as they whine on and on about this terrible storm.
‘Hurry, get to the store for bread, milk, and TP.’
I have only one more thing to say. I just don’t care. The government in it’s infinite wisdom should invest it’s money to buy every illegal alien a snow shovel and bus fare to the east coast. They should be able to have everyone shoveled out in just a day or two. Rumor has it that our racist citizens really don’t like all that manual labor so let’s give that job to the illegals too. Make them earn all the free benefits we are all being forced to pay for.
Have a wonderful and snowy winter you poor bastards.
U. S.A. . . . U. S. A. . . . U. S. A.
everyuselessthing.com 