Archive for the ‘Kill Me, I’m Begging You’ Category
As I frequently do, I wander aimlessly around the Net looking for inspiration. Unfortunately most of the information available is either nonsense or BS. It only becomes relevant after I’m able to put it into context for all of you. Dealing with people on the Net takes a great deal of skill, intuition, and luck. Great care must be taken because dangers lurk in the oddest places. I trained for decades to interview people, read body language, and to make a determination of their guilt or innocence. Trying to do that same thing on the Net is an almost impossible task. Since I can’t meet face-to-face and I can’t trust photographs any longer, what should I do?
The following list of questions I discovered a few weeks ago and after some necessary editing are ready for my use. They may seem mundane and boring but are they really? The “devil is in the details” is a saying I’ve learned to appreciate over the years. One small piece of information added to another and then another can result in clarification and understanding much like a jigsaw puzzle.
I want my readers to understand me. It’s the wish of almost every other human being on the planet that someone “gets us”. I’m going to list one hundred really stupid and simple questions and then post my answers as well. If you read them all and then bundle them into one huge ball of useless information, you just might have a better understanding of me. It may work or it may not but you’ll never know until you give it a try. To test it further ask a friend, lover, or family member to answer them. You might be surprised to find out they’re not exactly the person you thought. Here we go.
1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Open.
2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? Yes.
3:Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? Tucked out.
4:Have you ever stolen a street sign? Yes
5:Do you like to use post-it notes? Yes, both paper and computerized.
6:Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? No, I hate coupons.
7:Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? Bees, at least I’d survive.
8:Do you have freckles? A few scattered here and there.
9:Do you always smile for pictures? No, I hate being photographed.
10:What is your biggest pet peeve? People who talk-over me while in conversation.
11:Do you ever count your steps when you walk? Almost always.
12:Have you ever peed in the woods? Yes, it’s the best.
13:What about pooped in the woods? I have but it’s unpleasant.
14:Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing? Only when I’m alone.
15:Do you chew your pens and pencils? Only pencils.
16:How many people have you slept with this week? Does my cat count? If he does then “2”.
17:What size is your bed? Queen.
18:What is your Song of the week? Born to die – Lana del Ray
19:Is it okay for guys to wear pink? Yes.
20:Do you still watch cartoons? Almost never.
21:What’s your least favorite movie? Anything with Will Ferrell in it.
22:Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? None of your business. It’s called ‘hidden treasure’ for a reason.
23:What do you drink with dinner? Seltzer Water
24:What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Ketchup.
25:What is your favorite food? Hamburgers.
26:What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Anything prior to 1950.
27:Last person you kissed/kissed you? My better-half.
28:Were you ever a boy/girl scout? Yes.
29:Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? No, it might scare people.
30:When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? 1990.
31:Can you change the oil on a car? Yes.
32:Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Oh yeah.
33:Ever ran out of gas? Once in 1975.
34:Favorite kind of sandwich? BLT, with lots of B.
35:Best thing to eat for breakfast? Bacon, eggs, toast, and coffee.
36:What is your usual bedtime? 11 PM.
37:Are you lazy? No.
38:When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? At 45, I was Woody Allen.
39. Who is your favorite dead singer? Levon Helm
40:How many languages can you speak? 1.5
41:Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Yes, one.
42:Which are better Legos or Lincoln logs? Legos.
43:Are you stubborn? Yes.
44:Who is better…Leno or Letterman? Johnny Carson.
45:Ever watch soap operas? I used to.
46:Are you afraid of heights? Not really, no.
47:Do you sing in the car? Sometimes.
48:Do you sing in the shower? No.
49: Do you sleep clothed or naked? Naked.
50:Ever used a gun? Yes.
51:Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? I was two years old.
52:Do you think musicals are cheesy? Some are, some not.
53:Is Christmas stressful? Yes, it’s a pain in the ass.
54:Ever eat a pierogi? Hundreds of times, Yummmm!
55:Favorite type of fruit pie? Apple.
56:Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Archeologist.
57:Do you believe in ghosts? No.
58:Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yes.
59:Take a vitamin daily? Yes.
60:Wear slippers? Yes.
61:Wear a bath robe? Not really.
62: How old were you when you lost your virginity? 14.
63:First concert? Harry Chapin.
64:Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Walmart, to people watch.
65:Nike or Adidas? Dr. Scholl
66:Cheetos Or Fritos? Cape Cod Potato Chips.
67:Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Cashews.
68:Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? Hell no.
69:Ever take dance lessons? Yes. as a kid, 3 years.
70:Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? No, there won’t be a future spouse.
71:Can you curl your tongue? Yes, and I know how to use it too.
72:Ever won a spelling bee? No.
73:Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yes, at my divorce hearing.
74:Own any record albums? Yes, vinyl and CD’s.
75:Own a record player? Yes.
76:Regularly burn incense? Yes.
77:Ever been in love? Yes.
78:Who would you like to see in concert? Celine Dion.
79:How many tattoos do you have? Six small ones.
80:Hot tea or cold tea? Hot.
81:Tea or coffee? Coffee.
82:Sugar or snickerdoodles? Sweet’n’Low
83:Can you swim well? Yes.
84:Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yes.
85:Are you patient? Not really.
86:DJ or band, at a wedding? DJ.
87:Ever won a contest? Yes.
88:Ever have plastic surgery? No.
89:Which are better black or green olives? Green.
90:Can you knit or crochet? Neither.
91:Best room for a fireplace? Bed room.
92:Do you want to get married? Never again.
93. Do you wear glasses? Yes.
94:Who was your HS crush? Beth.
95:Do you ever cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? Only as an infant.
96:Do you have kids? Yes.
97:Do you want kids? No more thank you very much.
98:What’s your favorite color? Blue.
99:Do you miss anyone right now? Yes.
100: Have you ever been stung by a bee? Yes.
* * *
There you have it. My screwed up and over-explained personality in a nutshell. Remove a few of these questions and add your own. Personalize it as much as you think is necessary. Then have a few of your friends compete the questions and invite them over for a few bottles of wine and a group discussion. It might be a great deal of fun but even if it isn’t make sure you’re serving a really good wine.
Now that most of the drama is over concerning my broken leg it’s time to get back to the serious business of blogging. This country is on the road to Obamacare whether we like it or not. The country was fed a bill of goods and we and our children and grandchildren will now pay for that mistake. There’s nothing all that funny about it except for this article I found recently. This is the kind of thing we can look forward to dealing with on a regular basis once Obamacare is in full swing.
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Update on Nancy’s Surgery
Dear Family and Friends,
Most of you know our friend Nancy went in for a Butt Lift surgical procedure using the ObamaCare Medical Plan.
She didn’t have the most pleasant experience and should have just left well enough alone. We wanted to show you the results so you’ll have some idea of the quality of care you’ll receive from the Affordable Healthcare Act(ObamaCare).
Please . . Whatever you do DO NOT get a Butt Lift through the ObamaCare Medical Plan. The ObamaCare qualified Doctor who handled Nancy’s surgery was a 3rd year foreign exchange medical student making 12 bucks an hour.
You’ve been warned!
I also found these two limericks which I thought were poignant and conveyed my thoughts perfectly on Obama. They were obtained from a web site that held an Obama limerick contest. Thanks to these creative individuals for giving me a chuckle or two. I hope you enjoy them as well.
Submitted by surfdt
He promised us change and we got it
Though not quite the way that we thought it
To his left he owes debt
To his right, deep regret
And our kids will be broke cause we bought it.
Submitted by Ed Coyne
There once was a man from Nantucket
OBAMA SUCKS!
(Sorry, I’ve just never been good at rhyming)
Is there something truly wrong with a person who insists on punishing himself over and over again with no appreciable result to show for his efforts? I know the answer but I just can’t seem to stop myself. If anyone you know ever suggests that you buy and use a treadmill, just kick their ass immediately. Don’t wait, don’t hesitate, just do it. You won’t be sorry. It’s just an underhanded karmic plot to make you pay for some past indiscretions in this life or another.
In the past six weeks in an attempt to lose 30 pounds of ugly fat I’ve been coerced into torturing myself by those I love and who I thought loved me on a machine just one step down from waterboarding. At first I got with the program after suffering some pulled muscles and the constant reminder that I was in the worst shape of my life. It was a humbling experience to say the least but I persevered through all of the pain and humiliation. The weight began falling away as my poor taste buds began to dry up and disappear.
I’ve always loved a good salad but those days are over. It’s true what I’ve always heard. Vegans or people that eat excessive amounts of vegetables and greens smell funny. It’s amazing just how bad that vegetable smell is when converted into methane gas. It’s appalling, embarrassing, and disgusting all at the same time. God help the poor schmuck who wanders into the room where my treadmill is kept when I’m attempting to walk myself to death.
I recall a chubby old red-neck named Larry the Cable Guy who talks about his grandmother who occasionally gets a case of the walking farts while shopping. I always thought that was a funny bit until the truth ran up and smacked me in the nose. I don’t just get the walking farts, I also get the breathing farts. The treadmill has slowly become a disgusting and never-ending fart inducer with no end in sight.
It’s painful at times not just for me but for others. My cat has abandoned me. The room where the treadmill is set up was once HIS room. He’d relax there, play with his toys, and generally kick back for a few hours every day. It’s been more than three weeks since we’ve been in that room at the same time. I walk in to begin my treadmill session and he’s gone in a heartbeat. He refuses to return until I’m finished and the air has cleared. I find him avoiding me in other areas of the house as well just to be on the safe side.
I’ve walked more than fifty-five miles on that effing treadmill and produced enough methane to shame a large herd of cattle. If this continues I may become an actual environmental disaster area. The EPA could show up at anytime with their trucks, white sealed suits, and handcuffs to take me away. I really need to be placed in isolation where I can’t harm anyone but myself. It’s a sad day for my family because they are now forced to live with the shame of it all.
Oh, the sacrifices we’re forced to make for good health.
I’ve been accused by my better-half on more than one occasion that she knows what I’m thinking when I say certain words. I refuse to repeat any of her examples because it’ll only make her think she’s right and then I’d never ever hear the end of it. It did get me thinking about certain words and phrases I’ve been hearing for most of my life from female family members, girlfriends, and spouses. I think this list may be used as a reference guide to help me in my future discussions (arguments) with my better-half concerning these matters. I’m sure if I put my mind to it I could add another twenty of thirty items to this list but what’s the point. For my male readers I’m sure you’ll recognize some of these golden oldies used by generations of women to confuse and misdirect us. War is truly hell when it involves the sexes. Arm yourselves with as much ammunition and information as you can. You’ve been warned.
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FINE – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the hell up.
WHATEVER – This is the new favorite word women use to convey “screw you”or “up yours”.
FIVE MINUTES – This means half an hour.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? – This has no real meaning. They only say it every fifteen minutes to drive us effing crazy.
NOTHING – This is the calm before the storm. This actually means "Something," and you should stand with your back to the nearest wall. ‘Nothing’ usually means Something and it’s Something bad for you.
GO AHEAD – This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it, trust me, DON’T DO IT.
FINE! - Does not really mean fine at all. It means “Fine, you rotten SOB” and you’ll be sorry for bringing it up.
LOUD SIGH – A sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and a moron and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
THAT’S OKAY – This means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake.
THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome but make no direct eye contact.
* * *
I hope this helps all of you men out there in your attempts to understand just what your woman or women are really saying. It takes decades for us men to even scratch the surface of understanding women and I’m firmly convinced we never will. We just have to keep trying.
I spend a lot of time on the Net these days and have done so for many years. It’s become an integral part of my life and indispensible in a number of other ways. It’s hard to believe than just over thirty years ago I was a subscriber to the Genie Electric Network and received text-only Internet on a 300 baud modem. The changes have been huge and relatively fast and I’m glad to have experienced the Net in all of it’s changing incarnations.
I decided to do a little surfing today and to collect a few facts about the all-seeing Internet in it’s current form. I was more than a little shocked at what I found because some of the numbers were almost impossible to wrap my head around. Here is a short list of some amazing stats. Unbelievable is probably more accurate.
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Google estimates the Internet at about 5 million terabytes of data, or 5 trillion megabytes.
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The human brain can hold between 1 and 10 terabytes.
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Using an average of 5 terabytes per human brain, it would take a million human brains to hold the entire Internet.
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212 DVD’s will hold one terabyte or 1,000,000,000 to hold the Internet.
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40 Blue-ray discs will hold a terabyte and it would take 200,000,000 to store the Internet.
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American makes up 76.2% of the Internet population but only 5% of the worlds population.
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There are 247 billion emails sent every day and 81% (200,000,000) are spam.
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There are 90 trillion emails sent each year.
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Teenagers spend an average of 31 hours per week on the Internet and only four hours doing homework.
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There are 234,000,000 web sites and 126,000,000 blogs.
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Every second 28,258 Internet users are watching pornography.
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There are 600 tweets a second.
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924 videos are watched on Hulu each month in the US.
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Twenty hours of videos are loaded onto YouTube every minute.
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Facebook has 6,000,000 page viewers a minute.
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2,500,000 images are loaded onto Facebook each month.
Some of these facts are mind-blowing but a number of others are more than a little scary. I’m not sure I could survive my raging paranoia if I had teenage children to raise now. I can’t imagine the difficulties there must be when in most cases the kids are more knowledgeable about the Net than most of their parents. What will this all become in another thirty years?
It’s been an interesting few weeks for me starting with my annual doctor’s visit. They always try to put a good spin on things until the very end of the visit. Everything’s fine, everything looks good, the blood tests were perfect except for “one little thing”. I’m a little paranoid of doctors on a good day but when you here “one little thing” you just hold your breath because you know something bad is coming.
It wasn’t a major catastrophe but worrisome none the less. I’m in the diabetes danger zone with my blood sugar and steps need to be taken to remedy the problem immediately. That entails being placed on a no sugar and no carb diet. What that really means is I’ll never be able to eat a decent meal again or at least for quite some time. The upside is that if I’m able to lose enough weight I’ll be able to stop taking 90% of the prescription medication I’m currently taking for blood pressure and cholesterol. The doctor was rather adamant about his instructions which convinced me to pay close attention and do what I’m told for once. Since my father died from diabetes related problems it’s time for me to wise up and get with the program. No more sugar, no more carbs, reduced dairy, reduced portions, and a minimum of twenty minutes of vigorous walking a day.
My first step was to inform my better-half who as always is there for support. My second step was making a trip to the local Sears where I found a treadmill that would fill my requirements. With Winter approaching, walking on the roads becomes problematic and I hate being required to drive any distance to a gym. It was delivered a week later and that’s when the fun begin. Being the cheap bastard that I am I refused to pay $75.00 to have it built. Three hours later I had it in place and operational. For most of my life I’ve played sports of one type of another but never ever used a treadmill. I was able to use it experimentally for a day or two without killing myself.
It’s now almost two weeks later and I’m on my way to being a treadmill expert. This treadmill makes things very easy to do and gives me the ability to track heart rate, incline, distance, and much much more. I’m doing approximately 35 minutes a day at a medium speed walk. Having a television in the room has made it even easier. Starting tomorrow I’m going to do two thirty minutes sessions a day. I’m already down almost ten pounds in the first three weeks. That’s a little fast but what the hell, it’s all good.
My goal as set by the doctor is a fifteen pound loss by February and an additional fifteen pounds by next August. Then I’ll be lean and mean and hopefully medication free. It’s a goal worth reaching and could add ten years to my life. I’m good with that.
I’ve stated thousands of times in the past that I’m NOT a fan of Country music. My constant exposure to it as forced on me by my better-half has really and truly dulled my senses. I’ve made my peace with that because I had no effing choice but just between you and I, I still hate C & W music.
I could give you any number of reasons why I hate it from the nerve shattering nasal twine of many of the singers to their choices of really stupid song titles and lyrics. The following song titles have been discovered and passed on to you just to prove my point. I’m not saying any of these titles made the Billboard charts but they are just as stupid as I predicted.
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I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight
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I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
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She’s Looking Better After Every Beer
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I Ain’t Gone To Bed With No Ugly Women, But I Shore Woke Up With A Few
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I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here
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I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin’ On My Back and Cryin’ Over You
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She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles
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I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better
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Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
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How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
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I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
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I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
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I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
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If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me
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My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus
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My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
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She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
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Thank God And Greyhound She’s Gone
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You Can’t Have Your Kate And Edith Too
So to those of you shit-kicking country folk out there you’d better get on-line as soon as possible and order this list of songs. I’d hurry if I were you because rumor has it that the demand is huge and you might be placed on a waiting list. They also may require that you take a short IQ test to insure you’re stupid enough to own them.
I’m writing this while my better-half is at work and I’ll do whatever I can to keep her from reading this posting tonight. She’s sure to throw a hissy fit and make me listen to even more of this alleged music than before. I’m not sure I could survive that. Hep me Jesus and Yee Haw, Y’all.
As is painfully obvious from many of my earlier posts I’m not a huge fan of attorneys. I wouldn’t broad-brush all of them because I know many that do their jobs well. Unfortunately they’re in the minority since we as a nation have become over-run with a ridiculous number of lawyers. They’ve spent decades slowly and deliberately turning the United States from a common sense way of thinking country to our current levels of lawsuit paranoia. The fact that ninety percent of judges are either former politicians or attorneys easily explains our country’s litigious difficulties.
They’ve managed to weasel their way into every facet of our lives. Suing one and all with a landslide of frivolous lawsuits that have clogged up our court system for years to come. Here are just a few examples.
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A convicted bank robber on parole entered a bank, went up to the teller, and said, "Give me the money. I’ve got a bomb." The bank teller did as instructed, except that hidden in the rolls of money turned over to the robber was an anti-robbery device that released tear gas. The device functioned as intended .. and the robber sued the bank.
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Sometimes, being frugal can cost you more than anticipated. While apparently trying to steal a soft drink from a vending machine in 1998, 19-year-old Kevin Mackle was rocking it dangerously. Suddenly, the weight shift was too hot to handle and the contraption fell on him. The man died following the accident. His relatives sued Coca-Cola Co., two other companies, and Bishop’s University in Lennoxville, Quebec (for about $660,000 US in damages and funeral costs) alleging that the machine was not secured and bore no warning signs.
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A minister and his wife sued a guide-dog school for $160,000 after a blind man learning to use a seeing-eye dog stepped on the woman’s toe. She sought $80,000 for medical bills, pain & suffering, humiliation and disability. Her husband sought the same amount for loss of his wife’s care, comfort and consortium.
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A 27-year-old man from Michigan was involved in a rear-end collision. Four years later, he sued the owners of the truck that was responsible for the accident. Having suffered minor injuries, he stated that from then on, his sexual relationship with his wife deteriorated, as he was unable to maintain their sex life. He claimed that he had been so affected by the crash that his personality had been forever changed. In fact, he maintained that the accident turned him into a homosexual. He left his wife, moved in with his parents, began hanging out in gay bars, and became a fervent reader of gay literature. He won his case and was awarded $200,000, while his wife received $25,000.
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A woman went to her friend’s house and asked for a haircut. Unhappy with her new look, she claimed her friend had willfully, intentionally and maliciously cut her hair without her consent … and sued him for $75,000.
I could continue with hundreds more of these useless and costly lawsuits but what’s the point. In the majority of these cases the attorney is paid a large percentage of the money won. It’s called taking a case on contingency. The same strategy used for those individuals suing the government for disability benefits for a variety of addictions, both drug and alcohol related. These attorney believe if you throw enough crap against a wall, some of it is bound to stick. Free money . . . . Yeah!
These so called attorneys-at-law have also forced companies to over label our everyday products due to fear of lawsuits. I actually saw an aluminum step ladder for sale in a nearby Home Center that had a sticker on the top step. Of course it stated an important and secret fact that we weren’t aware of: This is the Last Step – Don’t Stand Here. The “Nanny State” strikes again. Not only is the advice on many of these labels utterly obvious, many are just plain stupid. Here are a few of those.
- On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
- On a package of peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
- On a child’s Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
- On Sears Hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
- On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like other soap.
- On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
- On frozen food package:
Product will be hot after heating.
- On packaging of an iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
- On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
We’ve allowed this to go on for so long it’s now become the norm. We have only ourselves to blame when we’ve allowed the pursuit of possible free money to completely corrupt our judicial system. It was never meant to a be a gravy-train for those less than scrupulous attorneys who finally got tired of chasing ambulances.
Have you ever just been standing around people watching and wondering about things? I have. Do certain things you see and hear make you wonder what the hell is going on? I thought it only right that I look into some of these matter because they bother the hell out of me.
Take a moment and come up with a few of your own. They are every where it seems and no one has any answers as to why.
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Why is it that women show up at Walmart in a pink sweat-suit that’s two sizes too small with “Hot & Juicy” stitched across the butt?
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Why does the sun lightens our hair, but darken our skin?
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Why can’t women put on mascara without opening their mouths?
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Why are they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
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If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of Progress?
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Why must you click on "Start" to stop Windows 7?
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Why is it that lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
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Why haven’t we ever seen the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
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Why does a fiftyish man have a comb over more than 5 inches long and things no one notices?
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Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
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What possesses a person to paint his house pink?
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Why do doctors call what they do "practice"?
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Why aren’t planes made from the same material used for the indestructible black boxes ?
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Why did they ever decide to name the airport "The Terminal"?
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What thought process occurs to cause an beautiful and intelligent young lady to streak her hair red and pierce her nose in three different places?
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Why isn’t there a mouse-flavored cat food and what person tastes dog food when it has a "New & Improved" flavor?
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Why do they bother to sterilize the needles used for lethal injections?
Who can answer these questions? I need some answers and I need them now? How can I be convinced that your basic average human being is intelligent and right-thinking when I see hundreds of these types of things every week. It just doesn’t fill me with much confidence that the human race can survive itself. It’s just more than a little scary.
Football Season is fast approaching and for those of you who are fanatical, you’re probably already in a serious state of FAN (Football Arousal Narcosis). You find yourself sexually aroused by wide screen HD televisions, satellite NFL packages, and the occasional busty cheerleaders. I must warn you that you’re playing with fire. Sometime in January when the end of the season is approaching and the withdrawal starts setting in you may find yourself becoming sexually attracted to Terry Bradshaw. If that happens proceed directly to rehab, do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollars.
I’m not a sports fanatic in any way, shape, or form. The only sports I watch religiously are as many games of the Little League World Series as I can. Those games seem more real and genuine to me than watching a bunch of grown men spending more than three hours to play nine innings of baseball for a few million dollars a year and all the steroid and drug enhancements they can consume. This time of the year is when the pregame and postgame analysis programs kidnap prime time TV and fill the airways with an ungodly number of continuous sports metaphors and clichés. It makes me just a little crazy.
Unfortunately those metaphors have slowly and insidiously made their way into our daily language. If you didn’t already know that, WAKE UP. We have "ballpark figures", "drop back and punt", and "going the whole nine yards". It’s also a sprint, a boxing match, even a demolition derby. It has leaders and trailers, boasts knockout punches, and will go down to the wire, the buzzer, or the final whistle.” Check these out:
“I was blind-sided by all the talk about the mortgage and someone else bought the house before me.”
“Critics of President Obama used bump and run tactics to impede the implementation of a Republican directive.”
“When Tom retired Larry carried the ball for the next 9 months and the project was completed.”
“If we get the new machinery, we will be dancing in the zone in September.”
‘”Paul fumbled the sale when he failed to return the client’s call.”
“The Democrats game plan totally revolved around the promise of jobs.”
“The lawyers decided to settle after a brief huddle.”
“After John’s failure to win the building contract, his colleagues only made things worse with their Monday morning quarterbacking.
“President Obama caves in over and over again. He punts on first down.”
These examples are just the tip of the iceberg. As we progress through the season begin listening carefully to the everyday newscasters, pundits, and anyone else speaking to you from your television screen. You’ll be absolutely amazed.
AND FOR MY LATER FATHER’S BENEFIT – GO STEELERS!
everyuselessthing.com 
I’ve been accused by my better-half on more than one occasion that she knows what I’m thinking when I say certain words. I refuse to repeat any of her examples because it’ll only make her think she’s right and then I’d never ever hear the end of it. It did get me thinking about certain words and phrases I’ve been hearing for most of my life from female family members, girlfriends, and spouses. I think this list may be used as a reference guide to help me in my future discussions (arguments) with my better-half concerning these matters. I’m sure if I put my mind to it I could add another twenty of thirty items to this list but what’s the point. For my male readers I’m sure you’ll recognize some of these golden oldies used by generations of women to confuse and misdirect us. War is truly hell when it involves the sexes. Arm yourselves with as much ammunition and information as you can. You’ve been warned.
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FINE – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the hell up.
WHATEVER – This is the new favorite word women use to convey “screw you”or “up yours”.
FIVE MINUTES – This means half an hour.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? – This has no real meaning. They only say it every fifteen minutes to drive us effing crazy.
NOTHING – This is the calm before the storm. This actually means "Something," and you should stand with your back to the nearest wall. ‘Nothing’ usually means Something and it’s Something bad for you.
GO AHEAD – This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it, trust me, DON’T DO IT.
FINE! - Does not really mean fine at all. It means “Fine, you rotten SOB” and you’ll be sorry for bringing it up.
LOUD SIGH – A sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and a moron and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
THAT’S OKAY – This means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake.
THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome but make no direct eye contact.
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I hope this helps all of you men out there in your attempts to understand just what your woman or women are really saying. It takes decades for us men to even scratch the surface of understanding women and I’m firmly convinced we never will. We just have to keep trying.
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