Archive for the ‘Kill Me, I’m Begging You’ Category
I’ve decided to have a quiet and restful day today to catch my breathe and relax a little. My better-half is off to work in my car since her vehicle took a hissy fit this morning and refused to start (allegedly). I was awakened by her at 5:00 am from a wonderfully deep sleep to be brought up to speed about her car. It’s moments like that for me that test the limits of any relationship.
I became just conscious enough to tell her where my car keys were and for her to take my car. I immediately attempted to fall back to sleep but as you all know once your awakened it’s sometimes impossible. I laid in bed for another half hour and finally gave up. I threw on some clothes, had a cup of really awful coffee, and headed to the garage to address her problem.
You must understand that my better-half has super powers never before seen on this planet. She is Anti-Technology Girl and has the ability to just look at a piece of technology or machinery and cause it to not work. I cringe every time she walks by any of my computer equipment because sometimes that’s all it takes. She has the ability to cause any device with virtually no moving parts to malfunction repeatedly but only when she’s using it. It’s freaking scary sometimes.
She can pick up a brand new remote control that was working properly for me five minutes ago and have it fail. I try to humor her but at times it’s just not possible. Her list is endless; computers that make errors that are impossible for them to make, her car that never had a problem starting won’t start, and on and on it goes with no possible explanations from her.
Being the trained observer that I am I’ve come to the conclusion that the problem just might be her. She can’t set the time on a clock, she can’t do anything on a computer without retraining every week, and I’m the guy who gets to spend his life following her around to fix these problems.
All of that being said I just knew that when I arrived in the garage this morning that her car would start. I climbed into the car, turned the key, and it started immediately without any weird sounds or hesitation whatsoever. Oh, did I forget to mention what the first thing she asked me in my groggy half-awake state? "What did you do to my car? That statement alone should tell you the rest of the story.
It’s not often she’s rendered speechless about anything but when I called to tell her the car was fine I received a full five seconds of dead silence. I should call the Guinness World Record people since in my experience that is a world record if there ever was one.
Now I’m free to go about my life knowing I’ve solved another of her hundreds of mysterious problems that seem to fix themselves as soon as I arrive. That’s what every successful relationship is I suppose; give and take, good and bad, and about a ton of BS you both have to ignore to survive together.
Ain’t love grand.
Well, we’re buried under another foot of snow and I’m beginning to hate it. Mother Nature’s taking it upon herself to be annoying and there are a few hundred thousand people here in Maine who are no longer amused. Today was spent sitting in the house and looking longingly out the window for one ray of the ever illusive sunshine. After a few hours of that I was ready to fire up the snowblower and get to work. After clearing the snow I returned to the house to again sit and look out the window until the snow again piled up. Today that is my life.
Around 2 pm I retired to the man-cave for a few hours of computer time and some quality time with the cat. He was no help at all so in frustration I returned to my dry walling project. I set up an area in the garage and began to cut the drywall panels for the room remodel. What a mess. I finished enough panels to do about half of the walls and called it a day when I realized the longer I worked the more mess I was making. Falling back to an always available old saying, "all things in moderation", made it easy for me to clean up the area and walk away. My better-half, that burley female construction worker (sarcasm), assisted me in carrying the panels up to the second floor which was a real backbreaker for both of us. I felt a little better about returning to my snow watching after having accomplished something today. From weather reports it appears the storm will be lasting until sometime tomorrow so I’ll be snowblowing well into the night. Oh joy!
Fortunately my Harry Potter-2 X-box game arrived two days ago (thank you Amazon) and I was able to spend an hour or so creeping around Hogwarts castle looking for trouble. It’s was a great way to clear my head and relax (at least for me) for a little while.
Tomorrow the snow will stop, the roads will be cleared of snow, and I can get back into my spring time mindset. I can’t let this snow ruin my Spring Fever feelings.
I’m celebrating today because yesterday I received a letter from my doctor. Truthfully, it’s not the kind of letter I like receiving but it is what it is and unfortunately for me it’s colonoscopy time again. Before I go much further I like to throw out a huge thank you to my late mother Janet. It’s her medical history and genetic inheritance that requires me to have these procedures. Her history of colon cancer and cancerous polyps has placed me at the head of the line for frequent colonoscopies. Thanks a lot Mom.
It all started for me in 2004 when my new doctor at that time was reviewing my medical history and gave me the bad news that colonoscopies were about to become a huge part of my life. I had no knowledge of what colonoscopies were at that time but I was to find out rather quickly how much fun they weren’t. As the first colonoscopy approached I was directed to pick up a “Colonoscopy Preparation Kit” at my doctors office. It contained a gallon of liquid and a couple of pouches of powder that were to be mixed together and consumed the night before the procedure. I actually laughed when he told me that I had to drink that entire gallon in one sitting (no pun intended). He also warned me not to wander too far from a bathroom which I failed to take all that seriously. Big gigantic mistake number one.
Being the obedient person that I am I followed his instructions to the letter and discovered very quickly that his warnings were not to be taken lightly. I was sitting quietly on my deck when I felt a rumble. It felt like a very small earthquake tremor at first but immediately I realized I might be more than a few steps too far from the closest bathroom. I became a cross between Mt. Vesuvius and a high pressure fire hose. I almost made to the bathroom but not quite. Big gigantic mistake number two.
After a hour of sitting, then an hour of cleanup I was cleansed inside and out and ready to go. I was very nervous about the procedure but after receiving some really excellent drugs I was ready for anything. I remember vaguely my ass hanging out in the wind and a number of people back there talking and looking around. The next thing I remember I was in the recovery room, a much more humble person to be sure.
The good news was that my first colonoscopy experience was over and the bad news was given to me later by the doctor. I’d be required to do this every three years for the rest of my effing life. I wasn’t thrilled about that fact but I understand how important these procedures are to extending my life.
Since that first experience I’ve had three additional colonoscopies and I hate to admit it but I think I’m getting used to them. The first one they knocked me out with drugs, the second one I took a lighter drug dose and was able to remain semi awake and able to listen to the doctors and nurses as they reamed me out. The third one I took an even smaller dose of drugs and was able to talk with the doctor while he was doing the procedure and they even brought in a small television so I could see exactly what the camera stuck up my butt was showing the doctor. I don’t think I’ll do that again because that was a little weird. It was like looking down a long pink and disgusting tunnel. That’s one TV show I think I’ll pass on the next time around. I’ll just stick to the good drugs, take a short nap, and deal with my sore butt later.
I should gladly note that these procedures failed to find any major problems for which I’m exceedingly grateful. They’re actually a very efficient way for early detection and treatment of what could be a life threatening situation. When your told for the first time that you need to have a colonoscopy, just smile, drink your laxatives, and enjoy the drugs. It could save your life.
I hear often from friends and family alike that I’m a cynic, sarcastic, have a bad attitude, and don’t think much of this human race I’m a part of. Here’s a news flash people, I’m all of those things and a bag of chips. I was raised to do the right thing whenever possible regardless of the consequences and it’s one of the main reasons I became a police officer. But things have changed dramatically in the last twenty years. Some good changes but many that aren’t so good. I certainly wouldn’t want to be a young child being raised now. They’re all eventually turned into fearful and paranoid little people who are afraid of everyone around them except for their mother and father. I understand that in most cases it’s a necessity considering all of the lunatics and perverts running the streets but it is a sad commentary of everyday American life and values.
We as a people have become so ‘paranoid’ of each other that courtesy and helpfulness between individuals can no longer be expected. I find myself affected in this way in my dealings not just with adults but also with children. I know if I saw a child in distress I would assist immediately but in the back of my mind I would be thinking and worrying, “ Is someone going to sue me or falsely accuse me of wrongdoing” just “to be on the safe side”. I’m afraid that a majority of men in this country are “paranoid” to the extreme in matters like this. I don’t doubt there have been occasions where young children appeared disoriented or lost and people continued on about their business because of these fears. How many times has it been reported that people have stood by and watched as others are raped, stabbed, and murdered without even taking any action as simple as a 911 call.
Years ago when I was in the police academy we were educated about a law called the ‘Good Samaritan Act’. It supposedly protected law enforcement and fire/rescue personnel from lawsuits resulting from their assisting injured individuals. They stressed during this training all of the required certifications you should have just to ‘cover your ass’. CPR and basic emergency medical training come to mind immediately. That’s great for service personnel but I’ll bet any amount of money that the law is so full of loop holes that it wouldn’t be possible to use it to protect an average citizen in those same circumstances. The current thinking seems to be, it’s safer to do nothing and not get involved.
So here’s where we are now. Women and children should run and hide from all men. Men should run and hide if approached by any female, old or young, any child, or any suspicious looking person. No eye contact with anyone at any time because they may rape, rob, abuse, or manhandle you. If you see a crime, keep walking and maybe call from home later or maybe not.
This kind of behavior is destructive to our society on many levels but I do understand the underlying reasons for it. As the country continues to permit individuals to rationalize any and all bad behavior up to and including murder, the situation will never improve. All of the psycho-babble in the world cannot justify or excuse hard core criminal behavior. Where there’s a carrot there must be a stick. Lack of societal deterrence for crimes is to blame. If a crime occurs there must be swift punishment to send the proper message to others and maybe convince the new generations that this isn’t a land full of adult predators who are out to get them.
Excuse me for a minute, I need to check my alarm system, my door locks, my deadbolts, and it’s also time to feed the alligators in the moat. That should keep me safe for another night.
The start of another work week for everyone and unfortunately for me as well. It’s becoming painfully obvious that I’m working much harder being retired than when I was actually working. For some reason I expected that taking early retirement was going to be the end of my labors and believing that makes me a gigantic moron. I should have know better.
I started with a huge and complicated goal when I took retirement. I sold my home and together with my better-half we decided to update and repair her home. I must have been brain damaged as a child to even think to take on a project like that especially dealing with a thirty year old home with five bedrooms. I now only have one wish. I want to meet the effing a-hole who built this place and I want to beat him with a huge stick for about an hour. There isn’t a square room in the entire building, the wiring was a complete and utter disaster, and who in their right effing mind puts drop ceilings in the kitchen and bedrooms.
I thought I was some kind of handy-man when I started this project but I’m a whole lot smarter now. In the last five years I’ve touched damn near every wire, board, window, door, and floor in the freaking building. Guess what? I’m still not finished. If I’m lucky I’ll have the entire house completed except for the kitchen within the next eighteen months. I won’t even begin to tell you what a nightmare the kitchen will be. It has to be gutted completely and redone from scratch.
With my luck I’ll finally get this place finished and then I’ll get hit by a truck getting the mail from the mailbox. I’ve done a few things in my life that deserve a karmic slap but I for the life of me I can’t remember doing anything bad enough to deserve this house. KMN
Enough of the whining. I just left Lowes with a load of material so I can get started on the drywall installation in my bedroom remodel. Lowes should make me their official mascot for this particular store since I spent enough money here to drive their sales for the last four years.
I’m going to finish this bedroom and then I’m taking the summer off. No hammers, nails, paint, or anything else. I going to relax, take lots of photographs, visit distant lands (within Maine), and enjoy the warm weather and the beach. That should clear my head enough to prepare me for next winters project.
Someone help me, I’m trapped in Maine and I can’t get out.
After yesterday’s serious posting I decided to lighten things up a bit today. We snow bunnies here in Maine are celebrating again as we await yet another two feet of snow to play in. I’ve spent most of today with my new best friend, my snow blower, and we’ve been out doing our thing four times already. It’s a real bitch since this snow is extremely heavy and wet making everything doubly difficult. If I don’t continue to keep up with the snowfall then tomorrow when the temperature dips low again I’ll be up to my butt in ice.
My better-half has apparently lost what little was left of her mind. She’s been out in the snow all day running, jumping, and just being crazy. I fear she may have a serious snow fetish that I was not previously aware of. I gave up years ago trying to calm her down when she gets like this so I just stand back and take lots of pictures. They’re perfect for future blackmailing purposes and you can bet I’ll use them to my best advantage. I’m surprised she hasn’t again suggested making naked snow angels as she’s done in the past. In order for me to be tempted to do that I’d need a lot more alcohol which would in turn would make me especially dangerous with that snow blower. So I’ll pass this time and make sure I get really clear pictures if she decides to get that nuts.
Her one big wish today was to build a freaking snowman in the front yard. Since I wasn’t permitted to give it a nice set of breasts I refused to participate. Being the shy person she is she initiated a conversation with some guy in a pickup truck who was plowing the neighbors driveway who then stopped to look at the snowman. She complained she had no carrot for the snowman’s nose and it really wouldn’t be complete without one. The guy turned his truck around and drove away in the middle of the storm and returned fifteen minutes later, rolled down his window, and handed her a carrot, and then drove away. All in all a pretty cool move.
I suppose I’ll be out with the snow blower at least one more time before calling it a night. I suspect she’ll require me to sit in front of the television tonight with her to watch all of the red carpet hoopla before the Oscar ceremony. Thank God she works early in the morning and will probably go to bed early so I can turn it off. Watching Hollywood celebrities for me is much like having your wisdom teeth pulled with a pair of pliers and no Novocain.
It’s time for a quiet dinner and a glass of brandy or two and then to bed to read a few chapters. The storm should be over before morning and I hope we get a reprieve from the weather for a few days before the next one rolls in.
Women. As any experienced man will tell you they are impossible. Impossible to understand and impossible to deal with at almost any level. It must be genetic because they develop their skill-set at a very early age and spend years fine tuning them. So as a public service to you younger gentlemen out there who are naively preparing to enter the fray, listen up!
Flirting – Women are forever flirting with almost any man who will pay attention to them. I was in line at a food store recently and a young girl no more than 4 years old was sitting in a cart in front of me. She was smiling, being coy, giggling at me for at least fifteen minutes. She was as cute as a button but God help the boys she meets in another ten or fifteen years. She’s already learning the skills needed to befuddle and manipulate them. And now for the big warning guys, don’t let her catch you flirting or you’re a dead man.
Opinions – Learn when to answer and when to stay quiet. A head nod at the right time can save you a great deal of aggravation. Also be careful when asking for an opinion from them. It can be difficult to get a straight answer because they constantly sidestep the question and throw it back to you for your feelings on the matter. Immediately after you give your opinion they disagree and spend ten minutes explaining to you in great detail how misinformed you are.
Driving – Some women insist on driving all of the time which is a vaguely veiled attempt at control. If you’re dumb enough to let them chauffer you then be prepared for the payback. Intentionally driving ten mph under the speed limit while fixing their hair, putting on makeup, texting, or searching the car for a misplaced item, is truly passive-aggressive. OMFG! You watch as she constantly drives with her left tire directly on the centerline of the road. Say nothing as you watch other drivers swerving out of the way to avoid being side swiped. You should know by now that your wrong no matter what.
Double standards – You’ll find her getting annoyed over some trivial issue that you did just once to her but that she does all the time to you. If you call her on it be prepared for a lecture on why your mistaken and why you shouldn’t be annoyed.
Asking impossible questions – Does this dress make my butt look too big? Do you like my hair this color? Does this big gaudy broach look good with this yellow blouse? Does this bra really make my boobs look perky? What are you thinking? Are you staring at that girl in the thong bathing suit? Do you really love me? Need I say more guys?
The Boss – They all want to be the boss. They claim it’s a need to be independent. They desire independence in all things but expect you do everything for them. They will attempt to lecture you on hundreds of things you’ve already accomplished with no experience of their own to draw from. They’ll spend much of your life explaining to you how things should really be done and how they would do it. It’s just another grab for control.
So, I hope you’ve all learned a few things here that might save you a great deal of grief later. If you’re a true masochist like most men are required to be and can put up with all of their BS and control issues you might just get laid one day.
For your sake I hope the sex is mind blowing. Even if it isn’t tell them it is, just saying.
It’s still February, it’s still cold, and I still hate advertisements. Not just a minor dislike but a really white hot hate. Why is it necessary that every building in every city that’s large enough to house a sporting event have a corporate sponsor. I’m starting to believe that the American businesses are doing a lot better than we’ve been told. Spending millions of dollars a year to have your name on an arena would piss me off a great deal if I were a stockholder.
So it’s February, the month with some really lame observances and a couple of so-so holidays. Since my complaint today is with advertisers I must of course mention the upcoming Presidents Day. I love that we still remember and celebrate our founding fathers, Lincoln, Washington, and others. It just seems to me that we’re getting a little redundant with these things. If we have a Presidents Day why is there a need for individual observances for just a few. I’m realize that if we tried to eliminate Presidents Day every car salesman in the country would march on Washington. It could be called The Million Salesmen March of 2013.
I wonder if our Presidents ever gave any thought to just how their likenesses and names would be prostituted for the good of the automobile industry and others. The term “spinning in their graves” immediately comes to mind.
Now to the meat of this posting. I was sitting at home last night minding my own business and attempting to watch one minute of TV without some annoying ad being shoved in my face. Leave it up to some of our sneaky yet loveable Japanese businessmen to come up with this idea. A car commercial for Honda where they have George Washington and Abraham Lincoln singing their theme song as a duet. To say it was disrespectful and tasteless is an understatement. I wonder how those same Japanese businessmen would feel if we used the images of a few of their emperors to sell Domino’s Pizza or possibly women’s feminine products.
Have we in this country become so greedy that nothing is sacred. That was rhetorical because we already know the answer. The United States is losing it’s integrity and it’s soul. We will disrespect absolutely anything regardless of it’s importance to make a buck. Greed is a terrible thing and it’s something that infects almost all of us. Money, Money, Money!
I could go on and on with this but it’s pointless. You already know that its true because you’ve been raised with it and think it’s the norm. I’m here to tell you it’s not. Paying millions of dollars for a minute of Super Bowl time is outrageous and insidious all at the same time. Everywhere you look are ads. On every building, wall, road sign, and of course TV. Thirty percent or more of your TV time is paid advertisements.
Propaganda and brainwashing are frowned upon when it’s a government or a religious cult doing it but totally permissible for every business in this country. We’re at the point where most of the music we walk around humming are commercial theme songs. They’ve taken many of our greatest oldies and turned them into something they were never meant to be. Shame and them and double shame on us for putting up with it.
My rant is over and I wish February was over too.
Nemo is dead, long live the king. The final tally for our area of Maine was approximately 38 inches of snow and one hell of a wind storm. We have a few drifts of five or six feet but nothing more serious than that. It could have been a whole lot worse.
After all of the snow-blowing today I won’t be able to left my arms tomorrow. I think I’ve finally bonded with this new snow-thrower, it’s now my BFF. It took a good part of the day to clear the driveway and then more disappointment. There was so much snow on the roads that the plows weren’t able to arrive until late afternoon. Even then they were only able to clear one lane in the middle of the road.
I’m hoping they’re able to widen the lanes a little more so we an get out of here for a while tomorrow. Even the birds were having serious issues trying to hang onto the bird feeder in a thirty-five mph wind. Not only were they fighting amongst themselves for the food but also fighting for a place on the bird feeder that offered some protection from the wind.
Our neighbors were out in force in mid-afternoon as the snow gradually stopped. It was nice to see everyone helping each other for a change in a neighborhood where individual privacy is the norm.
My better-half spent a lot of time emailing and connecting with family members from areas unaffected by the storm. She was also distributing photo’s far and wide to almost everyone. I feel for anyone who might have been caught in this blizzard with vehicle problems or medical emergencies. This kind of weather is definitely life threatening if not taken seriously.
The only good news for most of the state was the low number of power outages. We managed to escape the massive outages suffered in past storms due to a great deal of work by tree trimming crews throughout the summer months who cut down what would have been snow laden branches. Kudos to Central Maine Power and the local towns whose preventative work paid off in a big way.
I’ll be spending a few hours tomorrow in the final cleanup and then life will return to normal. I’m been hearing rumblings of another storm approaching in a few days and I hope to God it’s a little less of a problem than this one.
Everyone will be back to work tomorrow and life goes on. I’m really proud of myself because if what the media says is true (sarcasm), I’ve just survived my thirteenth "Storm of the Century". I think I should get some kind of honorable mention somewhere in that Guinness Book of World Records.
I won’t hold my breath though. Enjoy your day while I return to the cleanup.
Another "Storm of the Century" is upon us and since this is the third one in the last twelve months I guess we should all be hiding in the root cellar (if we had one). Weather forecasters in Maine don’t do much more than repeat whatever is relayed from the National Weather Service and then hope for the best. Maine is so lame at times they look for any excuse to exaggerate the facts and use all the panic inducing buzz words to scare the crap out of the uninformed.
Having lived in Maine for more than ten years I thought there could be no surprises left for me. I’m able to translate their weather speech almost immediately and then go on about my business. Unfortunately I underestimated them again.
My better-half arrived home from work and immediately began explaining to me the grand weather controversy being discussed by the local media. They seemed to be all pissed off that the National Weather Service has begun naming large snow storms as they do for hurricanes. Maine is such an important place in the grand scheme of things (sarcasm) that they feel they should be permitted to name their own storms. I hate to even think what those names might be. Something really sophisticated yet down to earth (more sarcasm) like Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John. They may be right in their thinking however because who in their right mind would name a storm Nemo? Only the all seeing, godlike government of the United States could be that lame.
After giving it some thought my better-half and I decided that the so-called Maine weather experts really shouldn’t be permitted to name them either. So effective immediately this “Storm of the Century” will be named by the two of us. Let’s just call him JOHNSON. Read into that what you will you bunch of perverts. We ended this terrible controversy in less than two minutes with no help from either the government or the state of Maine’s weather idiots. Come on JOHNSON.
Now on to something really important. I had to go to the dentist today. A trip to the dentist for me is always an adventure since the age of 13 when playing sand lot football my best friend knocked most of my front teeth out. That required two bridges and a few false teeth which have plagued me ever since. My mouth is similar to having a old car and it requires much more maintenance. I could have bought at least three new cars over the years with what I spent on dental work. My dentist’s office is a family concern with my dentist the father, the hygienist is his ex-wife, and the dental assistant/receptionist is their daughter. Over the years I’ve become good friends with them all and it’s been a real hoot but the bottom line never changes. As nice as they all are I still hate going to the effing dentist.
After injecting me with enough Novocain to keep my face numb for a week he proceeds to do what I hate the most, drilling my teeth. The sound of that high-speed drill makes my skin crawl and if I never heard it again it would be too damn soon. Also if he honestly thinks that shooting cold water down my throat is helping me breathe he’s very much mistaken. Not only is my face numb but I think he’s subconsciously trying to drown me.
After a few kind words and a pat on the head I was escorted to the door, given a new tooth brush, and my next appointment date. Thanks for nothing Doc. I drove straight to the closest Dunkin Donut where I ordered a hot coffee and a sandwich. As I left their parking lot I took a quick bite of the sandwich and that was mistake number one. My mouth was still so numb I almost bit off the end of my tongue. I was forced to pullover to compose myself and check for damage. A few miles and a few dozen curse words later I opened the coffee container, took a giant swig, and burned the shit out of my mouth and tongue. I also scorched my crotch a bit when I spilled the coffee there too. I finally arrived home, sat down in a nice soft chair and refused to eat or drink anything until the feeling returned to my mouth and tongue.
How can people think storm JOHNSON is the big deal. It’s all about me and my trip to the dentist. People are so self-involved at times.
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