It’s another cold and miserable day here in Maine and I have no plans to leave the house at all. It goes against my common sense to go outside and freeze my ass off for no good reason. What better way to make a cold and miserable day a little more pleasant than to read some truly interesting yet captivating dirty jokes. Let’s get started.
A woman in her 40’s went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called The Knob in which a small knob is placed on the back of the woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand-new face lift. Of course, the woman Immediately wanted The Knob. Over the years the woman tightened the knob when needed, the effects were wonderful, and the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After 15 years the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. “All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: first, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and The Knob won’t get rid of them.” The doctor looked at her closely and said honey those aren’t bags; those are your breasts. She said, well, I guess there’s no point in asking about this goatee.
Q. What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.
A guy takes his wife to the Doctor. The doc says, well it’s either Alzheimer’s disease or AIDS. “What do you mean?” the guy says. “You can’t tell the difference?” “Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages. Tell you what you should do, drive her way out into the country and kick her out of the car, if she finds her way home, don’t screw her.
The man returns from the tropics feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, who immediately rushes him to the hospital to undergo tests. After the tests are completed, the man wakes up to the ringing of a telephone in his private room at the hospital. On the other end of the line, the doctor explains, “We’ve received the results back from your tests. and found that you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H., which is a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes. “Oh my God” said the man, what am I going to do?” “Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes and pita bread.” Will that cure me?” asks the man curiously. Well, no, but it’s the only food we can get under the door.
As a human being we all have likes and dislikes. I like computers, science fiction, books and especially really well-done sarcasm. I’ve posted many times about sarcasm, and I’ve listed all of the reasons why I’ve used it over the years and how it has benefited my life. I’m going to share with you some examples of sarcasm which might help clarify things and possibly help you to better understand it. Here we go . . .
ENLIGHTENMENT is a deeper, more transcendent understanding of life that usually hits about a quarter of a second before you die.
EQUALITY is the noble principle of fairness and equal representation for all, as evidenced on television by the fact that Hispanic people get to play all the domestics, African Americans get to play all the gang bangers, and Asians get to play all the convenience store owners.
EXECUTIVE is a distinction given to certain bathrooms, denoting that those allowed into them are, unlike the rest of us, able to produce defecation that smells like fragrant fields of flowers.
EXTREME is often used as a preface to imply that everything from your energy bar to your facial tissue is that much more kick-ass.
FAMILY is a group of people you spend eighteen years having dinner with every night before realizing you have plenty of better things to do.
FEMALE is a person whose ability to generate human life pisses men off to such an extent that they decided to pay them anywhere from 5-25% less for doing the same job they do.
INTIMIDATION is using fear to browbeat or coerce. A tactic often employed by Marine boot camp drill instructors, Mafia enforcers, and people trying to sell you a quality preowned Kia.
LEATHER is a type of material that when worn as a jacket helps even a bad-ass biker look like a member of the Village People.
SOCIAL NETWORKINGis a way of imagining that you still have social skills and can network even though you are surgically attached to your computer and never leave your house.
SHAME is the realization that nobody else thinks the thing you were caught doing was as wholesome as you thought it was.
There you have it, a few prime examples of what sarcasm really is. Here’s a challenge for you, write a paragraph full of sarcasm and then read and explain it to the person who you are in a relationship with. It will undoubtably be a real learning experience for you both.
Here’s something I’m often called but trust me, it isn’t Sarcasm.
GEEK
(Either someone who bites the heads off chickens or anyone who is inordinately obsessed by a particular area of interest such as computers, science fiction, books, and sarcasm)
Is there anyone out there who doesn’t think the media is a problem these days? I do miss the days of reading newspapers because there were so many inaccuracies and misstatements, it was fun just to search them out and have a laugh or two. Now if we want to read a newspaper you got to go online and sign up for their website, fill out a form with all of your information, and agree to accept all the crappy spam they decide to send you. Then they can and will sell your information to damn near anyone. In the past I’ve made a lot of fun of the written media only because there’s so much information out there that’s worth a laugh or three. Apparently, the worst job you can have in written media is being an editor. It’s also apparent from the information I’ve been reading that if they have editors, they aren’t all that bright. Here’s a short selection of headlines from newspapers and I cannot believe any alleged editors were doing their job. Here we go . . .
Statistics Show That Mortality Increases Perceptively in the Military During Wartime What editor in his right mind let this one slip through?
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter Unbelievable!!!
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted We live in a time of geniuses.
NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach I wonder if he’s required to wear a robe for that.
Never Withhold Herpes from Loved One There some good dating advice . . . NOT!
Eye Drops Off Shelf OMG!
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly It May Last a While Another Rhodes scholar.
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency Thanks to the tobacco lobby for this one.
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier than Clean Ones, Study Shows Another genius observation.
Fish Lurk in Streams This might be great for a Bass Pro Shop logo.
Being a former police officer, investigator, and professional interrogator has definitely changed my view of people and the criminal justice system as well. I’ve seen more than my share of human beings and their scary-assed responses to damn near everything. These “Karen” videos that seem to be flooding the internet are ridiculous and sad but the movement of the country to the left concerning law enforcement just increases the numbers of these lame and annoying incidents. It allows people who should be arrested to continue their bad behavior and then get their fifteen minutes of fame online. In my opinion this new millennial generation are the absolute worst. They have little or no respect for the law, the officers, or other people. They’ve taken selfishness to the limit and then are the first to complain about damn near everything.
This country’s left leaning approach has been as responsible for forcing police officers to wear body cameras because of bullshit lawsuits filed by idiots who’ve had their feeling hurt by those “mean and nasty police officers” (that was sarcasm for those of you younger than forty years old.) I’m sure anything I say will be immediately disregarded by the younger generations since I’m just an old fart who’s out of touch with today’s reality. That might be partially true, but I like my reality way more than theirs.
Here are a few facts for all of our thin-skinned millennials. They have no idea how bad things can get if the inmates ever decide to run the asylum. Just as a point of information: A “Karen” can be a man or woman caught in viral rants over the actions of others who gripe about seemingly minor inconveniences, sometimes laced with bigoted remarks. Just sooooo nice.
Colorado resident Blair Featherman was filmed shouting racist remarks at a Hispanic family during a pool party at her upscale apartment complex.
Brianna Pinnix, 30, was fired from her job after a video captured her berating a group of German tourists on a New Jersey Transit train, telling them to “get the f— out of our country.”
“We have been dealing with a very vulgar and harassing neighbor since May,” mother Cecillee Cummings wrote in a post on Instagram in December 2023. The family claimed their neighbor also made physical threats to them and their son.
An unruly passenger threatened to urinate in the aisle of a Frontier Airlines flight from Orlando to Philadelphia.
I’ve had a relationship for more than fifty years with the criminal justice system in this country. Starting as a cop, then a private investigator, a corporate Loss Prevention specialist, and eventually working for the State of Maine in the Judicial Branch. I’m fascinated with all aspects of the profession which includes collecting odd bits of trivia which I’ll share with you today.
The world’s first police detective was Eugene Françoise Vidocq. The Frenchman founded the plainclothes civil police unit, the Brigade de la se Surete, in 1812.
C. Auguste Dupin was the world’s first fictional police detective. Edgar Allen Poe used Eugene François Vidocq as a model for his character C. Auguste Dupin in the 1841 short story “The Murders in the Rue Morgue,” which is considered to be the world’s first detective story.
The act of hanging, drawing, and quartering was not abolished in England until 1870.
Sheraton Hope and Ormond Sacker were the original names of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s famous crime-fighting duo, Sherlock Homes and Dr. John Watson. They first appeared in a novel called “A Tangled Skein.” Doyle ultimately changed the novel’s title to “A Study in Scarlet” when it was officially published in 1887.
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle has sold more books than J.K. Rowling and J.R.R. Tolkien combined.
One in four convicts ultimately exonerated by DNA evidence confessed or pled guilty to crimes they did not commit.
Until 1998 it was a valid defense against rape or sexual battery in Mississippi to claim that the female victim was not chaste in character.
From the 11th to the 18th centuries criminals were executed in southeast Asia by being crushed by an elephant.
A real-life member of Scotland Yard, Inspector Charles Frederick Field, was friends with author Charles Dickens and introduced Dickens to many of London’s criminal haunts. Dickens later featured the inspector in his 1851 short story “On Duty with Inspector Field.”
I thought we should visit some children today and read some of their outstanding poetry. Many of these kids are between the ages of 4 and 13 and are from various English-speaking countries around the globe. I find their poetry extremely innocent and pure because they write what they feel without any real awareness of political correctness or the many biases that seem to be everywhere these days. Enjoy them.
🚸🚸🚸
By Sarah Gatti, Age 10, New Zealand
THE SUNBEAMS
It’s a sunny, sunny day today,
There’s not a fluffy cloud in the sky.
The sky’s all blue in a light blue haze,
The orange sun is shining as it stalks along the sea,
And leaves a shiny golden path, for me to walk along.
During the 80’s life was pretty interesting. I was traveling a lot, meeting a lot of people, and generally enjoying my life. But it wasn’t all fun and games as compared to the lifestyles we have currently. Anyone identified as a Millennial then would have lost their effing minds. Political correctness was a rare thing and having a sense of humor required a thick skin. I’ve come upon in recent months a number of collections of humor from the 1980’s and for all of you Millennial’s out there, buckle up, the rides about to get a little bumpy.
When should you start playing with yourself in a restaurant? When there’s a sign that says, “First come, “first served!”
What would calla liberal who’s overweight and perverted? A bisexual built for two!
What did the surgeons say to the guy who wanted to do his own operation? ”Suture self!”
Why should you always travel with a sixpack in the wintertime? In case you have to leave a message in the snow!
What’s the harshest penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law!
What would you call a drink made out of orange juice and milk of magnesia? A Phillips Screwdriver!
What’s a wool diaphragm? A sock in the puss!
What’s a sanitary pad that girls can wear while dancing? Diskotex!
Why are erections like elections? It can get really stinky around the polls!
When is premature ejaculation a serious problem? When it occurs between “hello” and “what’s your sign?”
My Fav:Why do farts smell? So deaf people can enjoy them, too!
Have you ever been reading a book and all of a sudden WHAM, something grabs your attention. That happened to me last night at midnight as I was reading book five of the Dune series. I read this paragraph, and it just encapsulated how I feel about the current state of the country after years of Obama and Bidens leadership. I’ll also throw in the idiot WOKE generation as well since they’re just another arm of the liberal establishment trying desperately to turn the USA into a sad copy of any number of European countries verging on socialism. Here it is . . .
“Most civilization is based on cowardice. It’s so easy to civilize by teaching cowardice. You water down the standards which would lead to bravery, you restrain the will. You regulate the appetites; you fence in the horizons. You make a law for every moment. You deny the existence of chaos. You teach even the children to breathe slowly. You tame.”
Frank Herbert
WARNING – WARNING – WARNING
WELCOME TO THE MILLENNIAL UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
I’m not sure you’ve noticed but periodically over the last 18 months I’ve posted a series of questions to help people examine their lives. Some of the responses from readers were excellent and a few others not so much. I took some time off from posting these questions due to a recent injury, but I would like to continue today with ten additional questions, Installment #12. If you find them interesting, you might want to check my archives for the first eleven installments. I last posted on this subject on 5/2/23. Answer the questions honestly with your spouse and/or partner. It will definitely make for interesting conversations and discussions. Here we go . . .
How old were you when you first had sexual intercourse?
If you are leading 100 people, whose lives are in danger, and you must choose between two courses of action. One would save only 90 people; the other would have a 50% chance of saving everyone but were it to fail everyone would die. Which would you choose?
If you went to a movie with a friend and it was lousy, would you leave?
For $1 million would you be willing to never again see or talk to your best friend?
What do you like best about your life? least?
*****
Have you ever disliked someone for being lucky or more successful than you?
A cave-in occurs while you and a stranger are in a concrete room deep in a mineshaft. Before the phone goes dead, you learn the entire mine is sealed and the air hole being drilled will not reach you for 30 hours. If you both take sleeping pills from the medicine chest, the oxygen will last for only 20 hours. Both of you can’t survive; alone, one of you might. After you both realize this, the stranger takes several sleeping pills, says that it is in God’s hands, and falls asleep. You have a pistol; what do you do?
When you are given a compliment do you usually acknowledge it or suggest that you really do not deserve it?
What sorts of things would you do if you could be as outgoing and uninhibited as you wish? Do you usually initiate friendships or wait to be approached?
If you decided to do something and your friends strongly advise you not to, could you do it anyway?
*****
Another few installments will follow, and they will finish this series. I know how much I’ve enjoyed the discussions that they’ve created with my better-half, and I hope you give them a try.
An airplane flying from Houston to Chicago had a very close call. For a while it seemed they were doomed to crash to fiery destruction, but at the last minute the pilot got it under control and landed safely. Out of the plane came 200 midgets. An onlooker said, “I never saw so many midgets in my life.” Said another, “Those aren’t midgets. Those are Texans with the shit scared out of them.
In Hollywood, it is not enough for you to succeed; your friends must fail.
As per Yogi, “You can observe a great deal just by watching.”
Who doesn’t like stereotypes? A Texan had just had a baby son, and he was passing out enormous cigars. “Likeliest little varmint you ever saw,” he said proudly. “He weighs twenty-seven pounds.” Two weeks later, the friend met him and said, “How’s the kid?” “Fine,” said the Texan. “The little tyke weighs sixteen pounds.” The friend looked puzzled. “Why, when he was born you said he weighed twenty-seven pounds.” “I know.” said the Texan, “but we had him circumcised.”
There once was a young plumber from Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
Said the maid, “Cease your plumbing,
I think someone’s coming.”
Said the plumber, still plumbing, “It’s me!”
At the zoo, a curious woman said to one of those who tended the animals, “How do you tell a male hippopotamus from a female hippopotamus?” The keeper said, “We don’t really have to, ma’am. The hippopotamuses figure it out for themselves.”
There is a story that Mussolini was once stranded in a small town in Italy when his car broke down, To pass the time, he visited a local movie house. Came the newsreel, and, of course, his own face flashed on the screen.
Everyone in the movie house stood up, but Mussolini, feeling tired and feeling no compulsion to stand up in his own honor, remained seated. Whereupon the man next to him whispered, “I feel exactly as you do, but take my advice and stand up. It’s safer.”
everyuselessthing.com 