I went out early this morning to do a little food shopping and I noticed something that’s been bugging me for a while now. It seems to me that people these days are just criminally boring. One of the few pleasures that I’ve had over the years has been locating and reading funny bumper stickers. Those types of bumper stickers are damn hard to find anymore and I’m not sure why. I guess we can thank the WOKE generation for all of those good influences (that was sarcasm). The only thing you see these days are decals on their rear windows telling the entire world how many kids they have, what pets they have, what sports they like, and what schools they attend. It’s like a shopping list for perverts and pedophiles.
One of my favorite things when I purchased a new car was to always find just the right bumper sticker. Many years ago, I purchased a cute little orange Gremlin. It was a cool little car, and I immediately chose an appropriate bumper sticker that said, “Honk If Your Horny.” I received lots of comments from a variety of people and it was always good for a chuckle or two. I once loaned that car to my sixty-five-year-old very Catholic mother for her weekend shopping trip to Pittsburgh. When she got home, she couldn’t wait to tell me how friendly the people in Pittsburgh were because they were honking and waving to her wherever she went. I didn’t have the heart to tell her about the bumper sticker, but she eventually found out. Funny, she never asked to borrow that car again.
I just never see those interesting kind of bumper stickers anymore. Here are a few samples of bumper stickers that are still out there but they’re few and far between. Most drivers these days are deathly afraid of offending someone. So, with that being said, here are a few you might enjoy but be careful about who you show them to, they might get offended.
I’m looking for true love, but I’ll settle for cheap sex.
Ask me if I care.
Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go everywhere.
Love is a four-letter word.
If your phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.
See Dick drink. See Dick drive. See Dick die. Don’t be a dead Dick.
Nobody’s ugly after 2 A.M.
Fight Crime. Shoot Back.
Ask me. I might.
It is as bad as you think, and yes, they are out to get you.
I always make a point of searching out odd facts from as many sources as possible. Today’s list is what this blog is really all about, totally useless information and totally useless statistics. Some are humorous and some are silly but never doubt my ability to come up with useless information that has absolutely no value whatsoever.
Thirty-nine percent of women who think their legs are fat still wear short skirts.
In seventy-five percent of American households, the women manage the money and pay the bills.
If the population of China began walking past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
There is a lawsuit filed every thirty seconds in the United States.
Approximately 30,000 Americans are injured by toilets every year.
Forty-five percent of cat owners buy holiday gifts for their pet.
A four-year-old child asks an average of 437 questions a day.
The average American spends eight years of his life watching television.
The average human produces 50,000 pints of spit in a lifetime – the equivalent of two small swimming pools.
The average person over the age of 50 will have spent a year of their life looking for lost or mislaid items.
“I think about this fact every time I eat a gummy.”
The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
Is there anyone out there who doesn’t think the media is a problem these days? I do miss the days of reading newspapers because there were so many inaccuracies and misstatements, it was fun just to search them out and have a laugh or two. Now if we want to read a newspaper you got to go online and sign up for their website, fill out a form with all of your information, and agree to accept all the crappy spam they decide to send you. Then they can and will sell your information to damn near anyone. In the past I’ve made a lot of fun of the written media only because there’s so much information out there that’s worth a laugh or three. Apparently, the worst job you can have in written media is being an editor. It’s also apparent from the information I’ve been reading that if they have editors, they aren’t all that bright. Here’s a short selection of headlines from newspapers and I cannot believe any alleged editors were doing their job. Here we go . . .
Statistics Show That Mortality Increases Perceptively in the Military During Wartime What editor in his right mind let this one slip through?
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter Unbelievable!!!
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted We live in a time of geniuses.
NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach I wonder if he’s required to wear a robe for that.
Never Withhold Herpes from Loved One There some good dating advice . . . NOT!
Eye Drops Off Shelf OMG!
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly It May Last a While Another Rhodes scholar.
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency Thanks to the tobacco lobby for this one.
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier than Clean Ones, Study Shows Another genius observation.
Fish Lurk in Streams This might be great for a Bass Pro Shop logo.
I come from a long line of dog lovers. My parents always had multiple dogs for many years. My father ran a training kennel for beagles and our home and yard was always filled with twenty to thirty puppies. I spent my formative years feeding, grooming, and shoveling many wheelbarrows loads of 💩💩. If I was being punished for any reason (and there were many), I was forced to clean the kennels in my bare feet during a rainstorm. Yes, you guessed it, I am not a dog person. I love most dogs but the ones I like best are those that are owned by someone else. I love playing with dogs and they love playing with me but then I get to go home, and they don’t. I’m sure some of you dog lovers out there will be moaning and groaning over this post but the truth is the truth. I’m a decades long cat lover. To help you get through this post here are a few “dog” jokes for all of you “dog” people and I hope they make you smile.
A dog walks into a bar, he jumps up on the barstool and says to the bartender, “Hey, today’s my birthday. Do I get a free drink?” The bartender replies, “Sure, the toilet is around the corner.”
Q. What’s a dog’s favorite wine? A. “Please, please, please throw my ball”!
A great Dane walks into a bar and calls to the bartender, “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . water.” The bartender looks at the Dane and says, “What’s with the long pause?” “These?” the dog asks, looking down at his feet, “I’ve had them all my life.”
Being a former police officer has gone a long way to make me skeptical of virtually every person I talk to. I’ve mellowed over the years but in my dealings with people I’m still very careful. I decided recently to clean out some old files from cabinets in the man cave and a lot of that material was collected during my years as a cop. The following items are actual statements made to traffic accident investigators by drivers who caused the accidents. These are all actual statements made on actual police reports by actual lunatic drivers. Read them, enjoy them, and please don’t use them if you ever have an accident.
“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car”.
“The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.”
“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.”
“I was taking my canary to the animal hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash.”
“I saw the slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.”
“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.”
“The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I with my right front bumper removed his left rear taillight.”
“In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
“I pulled away from the side of the road glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.”
“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
“I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became smashed.”
I think today we should get a little more intellectual than the run-of-the-mill limericks and off-color jokes. After blogging for more than fifteen years I’ve become a true lover of words. Another plus about words is that they come together to form books, lots and lots of books. Every year when I make my New Year’s resolutions, I normally have one requiring that I read at least one hundred books for the year. I have never ever not accomplished that resolution. The only thing I enjoy more than writing words is reading those written by others, it’s just the coolest thing ever. So today this post will be a short trivia lesson about words, language, and books. I hope you find them interesting . . .
One of the greatest orators of all time – Demosthenes was once a stutterer who stubbornly trained himself out of it, reportedly by putting pebbles in his mouth and practicing speaking aloud.
The Polish actress Helena Modjeska was popular with audiences for her realistic and emotional style of acting. She once gave a dramatic reading in her native tongue at a dinner party of people who did know the Polish language, and her listeners were in tears when she finished. It turned out she had merely recited the Polish alphabet.
The French philosopher Rene Descartes sarcastically speculated that monkeys and apes actually have the ability to speak but choose not to.
The inhabitants of a slum called Trastevere, near Rome, speak a dialect all their own. They claim to have more than 2000 vulgar words to describe human genitalia.
The phrase “What a guy!” is a cry of derision in Great Britain and a cry of adoration in the United States.
The average daily issue of the Congressional Record carries more than 4 million words – the approximate equivalent of 20 long novels. It is printed and published overnight.
A forty-five-letter word connoting a lung disease, pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, is the longest word in Webster’s Third New International Dictionary. The longest word in the Oxford English Dictionary means the act of estimating something as worthless- floccipaucinihilipilification, which has twenty-nine letters.
The Scottish writer Robert Bontine Conningshame Graham, who had won a seat as a Liberal member of Parliament in 1886, was suspended from the House of Commons for having the audacity to use the word “damn” in a public speech.
The word “ozone” got its name from the Greek ozo, which means “I smell.” It was first officially used in 1840.
All of the world’s main alphabets have developed from an alphabet invented 3600 years ago in the Middle East and known as the North Semitic Alphabet.
Now that my blog has returned to something close to normal, what better way to start fresh than having aslightly off-color Limerick Alert. I thought I’d start out with this first limerick that hopefully will be appreciated by all of you poets out there. I’m sure you’ll recognize the reference to one of my favorite poets as soon as you see it.
I love posting interesting information and when possible, I back up those facts with quotes from a variety of people with incredible life stories. I’ve noticed over the years that the great majority of published interesting quotes are primarily made by men. I also discovered quite by accident a small paperback book published in 2000 called Womens Wit and Wisdom. I haven’t been as surprised and pleased as I was as I began reading that book. I’ll share with you a number of quotes from well-known women which are both incredible and hilarious. This book contains quite a diverse group of quotes covering any number of topics from politics, humor, to life lessons. This little book will be placed in a position of honor in my unusual collection of writings.
“My friends have made the story of my life. In a thousand ways they have turned my limitations into beautiful privileges and enabled me to walk serene and happy in the shadow cast by my deprivation.” Helen Keller
“The loneliest woman in the world is a woman without a close woman friend.” Toni Morrison
“Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once your aboard there’s nothing you can do.” Golda Meir
“I was thirty-seven when I went to work writing the column. I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security, and too tired for an affair.” Erma Bombeck
👩🏻🦰👩🏻👱🏻♀️
“The naked truth is always better than the best-dressed lie.” Ann Landers
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt
“I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks.” Totie Fields
“My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.” Indira Gandhi
“Please know that I am aware of the hazards. I want to do it because I want to do it. Women must try to do things as men have tried. When they fail, their failure must be but a challenge to others.” Amelia Earhart
For many years I’ve been a lover of fine wines but even more obsessed with fine whiskies. The king of whiskey for me is bourbon. If I would have had two sons one of them would have been named “Jack” and the other named “Daniel”. A few years ago, I was in my seventh month of chemotherapy and wasn’t allowed any hard liquor. I was unfortunately forced to drink a series of less than satisfying hard ciders which truly sucked. Finally, the chemo ended, and I was given permission by all of my doctors to have a “real” drink. I returned home and poured myself a large glass of Jack Daniels and came very close to multiple orgasms. I got thoroughly wasted by that one drink, but I knew immediately that I was still alive. Today’s post contains quotes from a number of people with their own opinions about whiskey and they’re definitely worth remembering.
“A gulp of hot whiskey at bedtime – it’s not very scientific, but it helps.” Alexander Fleming (the discoverer of penicillin)
“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” Tommy Cooper
“Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down. Down into my belly.” A quote from the movie Anchorman
“You actually go down to Kentucky, Louisville, and they’ve got bourbons that make Old Grandad and Jack Daniels look like Schweppes bitterly lemon . . . there’s one called Rebel Yell and that’s dynamite shit.” Keith Richards
“You cannot drink gin and tonic in the middle of the night. You must have whiskey to give you energy.” Margaret Thatcher
“My God, so much I like to drink Scotch that sometimes I think my name is Igor Stra-whiskey.” Igor Stravinsky
“My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six, I came up missing, they put my picture on bottles of Scotch.” Rodney Dangerfield
“When life hands you lemons, make Whiskey Sours.” WC Fields
“I like my whiskey old and my women young.” Errol Flynn
“There is no bad whiskey. There are only some whiskeys that aren’t as good as others.” Raymond Chandler
Oscar Wilde passed away in Paris in 1900. He spent the last few years of his life penniless and eventually died of neglect. He was a master playwright, poet and intellectual who was well known for his thousands of epigrams. It seems to me he would have been much more successful if he’d been born in the 20th or 21st century. To experience his wit and knowledge on an open forum talk show would have been absolutely amazing. Today I’ll post a few of my all-time favorites of his epigrams. I hope you enjoy them as much as I have over the years.
No great artist ever sees things as they really are; if he did, he would cease to be an artist.
Never trust a woman who tells you her real age; a woman who tells you that will tell you anything.
The proper basis for a marriage is mutual misunderstanding.
Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed.
Education is a wonderful thing, provided you always remember that nothing worth knowing can ever be taught.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, and the young know everything.
To regain my youth, I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or become respectable.
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Here is one of my favorite quotes of his and it is partially responsible for the creation of this blog.
“It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information around.”
everyuselessthing.com 