Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category
Today I intended to further explore the use of the English language where names are concerned by talking about nicknames we humans insist on giving to our private parts. The list of nicknames is endless but the main body parts targeted normally for nicknames are the vagina, penis, and occasionally the breasts. As a kid (age 7-11) and before my sex life truly existed my friends and I had already named our penises. I have no idea why we did but it could have been as simple a reason as "because it was there". Our fascination with our penises was intense at that age because if you must know it was the center of our young universe. Unfortunately it still is.
Our little group of five perverts constantly discussed those things that were most important to us; our penises, girls, and that greatest mystery of all, sexual intercourse. We almost declared a national holiday when our buddy Frank reported at one of our private meetings in our secret hidden club house that he had what we later found out was his first orgasm. He explained in great detail just what he’d done and how it felt. We were all astounded by his description of the feelings he had but were somewhat confused by his report that nothing came out of his penis when he came. We’d been told by the experts (our older friends) that there would be sperm. That discussion went on for another six months as were tried to figure out what Frank had done wrong.
Eventually we were called to an emergency meeting at the clubhouse when Frank finally reported that some “white stuff” had finally appeared after he masturbated. We did everything but declare him king of the effing world. We put him through the third degree until we were all satisfied he was giving us the absolute truth.
You should also know that during the next few months we were all diligently practicing in the privacy of our homes trying to duplicate what Frank was reporting. Shortly after his report on the "white stuff" we as a group demanded he show us specifically how he did it. We retired to his house and the five of us squeezed into his little bathroom where he began his demonstration. He used a little soap on his hands and began to furiously masturbate. He kept saying he was almost there as we waited patiently. The mood was immediately broken when his mother threw the door open and caught him in the act and all of us watching. Many of you can talk about your most awkward moments but this one was by far my worst. My second worst moment was when I got home to find out that Frank’s mom had ratted us all out. My mother was not happy.
Frank practically tore his penis off trying to put it away. His poor mother was probably never quite the same again either. Needless to say it took years before any of us could look her in the eye without turning a bright crimson. We all learned two valuable lessons that fateful day. One, soap is our friend and two, lock the freaking door.
We learned never to do anymore sexual exploring at anyone’s home. We confined our discussions and demonstrations to our club house where all of the best reading material (skin mags) was available for our use. Later on as we grew more curious we invited one or two of the neighborhood girls to the club house for a few games of "show and tell". There was no sexual activity just a very clinical study of their genitals and their study of ours. It was around that time that my penis received his first nickname, I called him "Charlie".
I have to admit that years later after my sex life had been firmly established Charlie’s nicknames became much more interesting. Charlie became confused at times because he was forced to suffer through a long list of really tacky names that he really didn’t care for. I never told any of my female sex partners that all of those silly name they insisted on calling him meant nothing to him or to me. His real name was and always will be Charlie and all the sexual attention in the world from them and their vaginas could never change that.
I was thinking about listing a number of the more common genital nicknames in this posting but I thought this story would be more poignant and informative than a cold and unemotional list. Besides you men out there already know the most common nicknames currently in use. Unfortunately you women out there only think you know your man’s actual name for his penis.
I thought I’d write a little about marriage today. Seeing as how more marriages fail than survive, it makes one wonder what’s the point. Even knowing it only has a 50/50 chance of success doesn’t seem to stop people from jumping right into a relationship that’s complex and difficult on it’s good days. Even the massive effort by members of the gay community to legalize marriage truly puzzles me. I sometimes think it’s just a way for them to feel like the rest of us, married, miserable, and alimony and child support eligible.
As an officiant in a wedding more than a year ago I had my eyes opened even further about weddings and their preparations. The wedding I was involved with was a down-to-earth, simple, and beautiful one. No thousands of dollars spent on a one-time dress, no catered meal, no huge hall, or any of the more stupid things like releasing doves. It was elegant and beautiful. Does that give that marriage a better chance of success? I doubt it.
The number of cottage industries that have originated to feed the marriage expectations of millions of people also boggles the mind. Event planners, depending on the wedding size, make much more money for their services than some weddings cost. As we all know some people spend many thousands of dollars on what everyone considers an institution with terrible odds of succeeding. That’s a kind of gambling most people would never attempt, not even in Las Vegas.
That being said, in my efforts to better understand I found myself wandering the highways and byways of the Net looking for information of this holy of holy experiences (I hope you know that was sarcasm). Some people have made the decision to have a humorous wedding. Why? I have no clue. I suppose humor might make taking the plunge a little less terrifying. Here are two examples of some of the new and funny vows (again sarcasm) to help lighten up the ceremony:
I (name), take you (name), to be my beloved wife. I promise to love you and be your faithful partner, for better for worse, for richer, for poorer, when the Jets are winning, and when they are losing, in sickness, and in health, and in Jets-induced sickness. I will be true and loyal, and cherish you for all the days of our lives.
I take you as my wife to have and hold, love and cherish, to honor and mostly obey. I promise to make you number one in all of my life’s biggest decisions. While I don’t promise not to make you mad, I promise to apologize…when I think it’s my fault. I want nothing more than a long and happy life together. Do you?
I can’t imagine asking someone to marry me and have them take the entire thing so lightly as to use vows like that. Here are a few quotes about marriage that really are funny and insightful. Not fake funny like those stupid vows.
"Only one marriage I regret. I remember after I got that marriage license I went across from the license bureau to a bar for a drink. The bartender said, "What will you have, sir?" And I said, "A glass of hemlock." ~ Ernest Hemingway
"Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out." ~ Michel de Montaigne
"What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility." ~ Leo Tolstoy
"My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked." ~ Winston Churchill
"There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again." ~ Clint Eastwood
"I tended to place my wife under a pedestal." ~ Woody Allen
"Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet." ~ Mae West
I could write ten thousand more words on marriage, the traditions, and the ever increasing costs. But because it would push me into a major depression I refuse to do it. You can thank me later. I’ve been through the marriage ringer myself and after nineteen years we failed miserably. So maybe my comments and sarcasm are reflective of that awful experience. Even so, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s a risky proposition on it’s best day. To all of you heterosexuals and homosexuals I wish you the best. Those marriages that truly work are the best thing that can happen to two people in love with each other. If it doesn’t work it can also be the most traumatic nightmare ever and haunt you for years.
Good luck to you all. My best advice is to elope to Las Vegas. Save yourself a trip to bankruptcy court (no sarcasm in that statement).
Most people consider themselves to have a great sense of humor and so do I. I’m sarcastic to a fault with an extremely dry sense of humor. Some people like it, some people don’t, as in all things.
One of the first things I look for when I meet someone new is their sense of humor. Do they like to laugh? Are they quick witted and enjoy being kidded? That’s the difference between being my friend or just being an acquaintance. I’ve been told that making a decision on someone based solely on humor just isn’t fair. That’s probably true but that’s the way I do it. I’ve met really intelligent people who have no sense of humor at all. Is that how you would like to spend your time, with them? Not me.
Everyone thinks they have a sense of humor. That really smart guy who I just met and accused of having no sense of humor thinks he’s the funniest guy on the planet. That’s one of the reasons attending a comedy club amateur night can be so much fun. That smart guy will stand up, say a few so-called funny stories, and bomb terribly. While some drunken schmuck will get up and have the entire place in stitches almost immediately. As with beauty, humor is in the eye of the beholder.
Here’s a collection of so-called humorous quotations by so-called celebrities. You be the judge on who’s funny and who’s not.
-
“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”
― Chris Rock
-
“I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”
― Woody Allen
-
“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There’s just something about you that pisses me off.”
― Stephen King
-
“It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
-
“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.”
― Dr. Seuss
-
“My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”
― Winston Churchill
-
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
― George Burns
-
“Mom says it’s because she has PMS.
Do you even know what that means?
"I’m not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome”
― Nicholas Sparks
-
“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
― Steven Wright
-
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
― Steve Martin
-
“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
― Robert A. Heinlein
-
“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
― Woody Allen
-
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
― Groucho Marx
-
“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
― W.C. Fields
-
“Ever notice how ‘What the hell’ is always the right answer?”
― Marilyn Monroe
-
“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
― Albert Einstein
-
“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”
― Oscar Levant
-
“Life’s hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid.”
― John Wayne
-
“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.”
― Albert Einstein
-
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.”
― Groucho Marx
-
“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
― Billy Sunday
-
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
― Mark Twain
-
“I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.”
― Jane Austen
-
“I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.”
― Mae West
-
“Happiness is a warm puppy.”
― Charles M. Schulz
Are all of these quotations funny, not really, but the person making them thinks they are. It just goes to show that a well developed sense of humor can change people’s perception of you one way or another. Good, bad, indifferent, what does it matter, at least they’ve noticed you and you’ve made an impression. That’s the first step to a possible life long friendship.
Today is Ladies Day here at Everyuselessthing. I know In the past I’ve had a lot of fun with you ladies out there but I’d like to get a little more serious today. During my normal cruising around the net I discovered that today is what most women would consider a very special day. I think it’s only fair that the women in this country have more than one day like Mother’s Day to celebrate their femininity. With that in mind I’m sending out good wishes to all of my female readers and a big HAPPY INTERNATIONAL TIARA DAY. I’ve included the following blurb I discovered which explains the origins of this observance and who to blame. I’m sorry, that must have sounded a little catty and I apologize.
I was surprised a little to discover that’s it’s an "International" observance. For some reason I thought that this could only be an American thing. I guess I should have realized that you women folk all would love to have and wear a tiara regardless of what country you live in. As the article explains this observance was created to help every women feel like a princess. How sweet and somewhat disturbing is that?
So before all of you ladies race off to your local Tiara’s "R" Us, please read along to learn the history of this special, special day, International Tiara Day.
The first International Tiara Day was held on May 24th, 2005 in conjunction with Barbara Bellissimo’s Seasons of Success. In 2009 Lynanne White of American Rose Bridal along with a few of her employees decided everyone should be able to wear a tiara, not just brides. Lynanne researched to see if there was a tiara day. After contacting and receiving permission from Barbara, Lynanne took over International Tiara Day in hopes of helping all women feel like a princess. Lynanne thought May 24th was an appropriate day since it was Queen Victoria’s birthday. We hope to continue this tradition every year. Please help us spread the word.
Now that I’ve properly informed my female readers about this previously unpublicized day it’s back to blog business. I love listing new followers to this blog along with my special thanks. Spending time surfing through their blogs is in my opinion time well spent. They contain a lot of interesting information and diverse writing styles. Check them out and enjoy them as I do.
Thanks to: meganlbarr, Glenn Folkes, Kendall F. Person, thepublicblogger, sunnysleevez, ArchangelTravels, Cristian Mihai, taylor oceans, Michael Armstrong, Sorina M, Daniel Gonzalez, Ashley, The Overstand Podcast, jamesrevelsthecomposer, immodiumabuser, The CoF, talin401, kirstywirsty, Spy Garden, SipofFashion, and dasitton309.
Oh yeah, HAPPY BIRTHDAY VICTORIA.
I’ve been around for what seems like forever and just through longevity alone I’ve become reasonably well versed in dealing with women in almost any circumstance. Most men would agree, we’re tired of hearing about all the problems of women, girl power, ERA, PMS, men are bad, and women should run the world. BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! It’s time for me to pass on some of my knowledge to the younger generations of men out there to assist them in surviving relationships with their current or future partners. Let me help you “guys” make those “girls” out there a little crazy before they do it to you first. This double standard against men needs to stop and I’m here to do my part in making that happen. Sit back and learn from the master, grasshoppers.
-
Develop the ability where you seem to be calmly listening to their every word. If we as men insist on dating, marriage, and all that follows we must be good listeners. Women want to be heard and over the years mine always were. I’m known for being a good listener, ask anyone. I may only hear every other word but that’s still listening, Right? Look interested, nod a lot, and when they’re done just smile.
-
Develop the ability to "Zone Out". I seem to be there paying close attention to her every word but in fact my mind tends to wander to other places and other times. Certain of her key words or voice inflections will snap me right back to the current conversation without her noticing. They sometimes develop the ability to recognize when this is happening and that’s when they get really crazy. Spend the extra time to learn to disguise this talent.
-
You must learn a number of different ways to check out other women without being obvious. These are basic methods used by men for decades to hide their ogling. Use reflections in windows to check someone out casually. Wear very dark sunglasses so you can look at anyone at any time but without turning your head in their direction. As you should already know this has always been mandatory male eyewear on any beach for years. Lastly, you must develop the ability to look at other women openly enough to make her crazy but not so obvious as to get you in real trouble. I usually use this move for revenge when she’s done something thoughtless and I want her to pay. It’s worth it’s weight in gold if you learn it and use it properly.
-
Casually bring up memories of old girl friends or sexual partners. This will drive your woman over the edge especially if you can do it in an innocent manner. If she thinks your doing it just to make her crazy you may reach a whole new level of OMG. Use this ability with care, it can turn ugly and she may attempt to reverse it on you. You have to be prepared to listen to her experiences if your not really careful.
-
You must create in your mind a series of answers that you can draw upon instantly when you hear this question, What are you thinking? It’s been my experience that if more than a minute of silence occurs when you’re together that question will almost certainly be asked. They want your every thought to be about them and it makes them crazy when they imagine that’s not the case. Try blurting out, "I was just thinking of our first kiss." or "I was remembering the first time when we made love in the backseat of my old car." The faster you are able to tell her these things the more believable and convincing they become.
-
Learn to use compliments to your fullest advantage. Casual meaningless compliments that will send a chill up her spine. Have you lost weight? You really look sexy in that dress. When you walk like that you make me crazy. This can short circuit almost anything she is currently preaching to you about. It can derail her train of thought just long enough for you to change the subject to something you deem important. Use them sparingly because overuse has it’s pitfalls. If you have actual sincere compliments save them for times when sexual activity is eminent. It’ll payoff big time.
-
Learn how to Fake Flirt. This is the ability to make it seem like other women are giving you the eye or being overly friendly. This is simple to do but takes some practice. If you’re ever feeling unloved or taken for granted this is the weapon of choice. This skill develops over time but you must be subtle about it. It will drive her completely nuts.
-
Make PMS your friend. Most women deny every having PMS but they know when they’re suffering from it and use it against us at every turn. It’s time to turn that around. The better you treat her without ever mentioning the dreaded PMS the more guilty she’ll feel if she begins snapping at you for no reason. She’ll never admit that’s the case but it’s true. Make her crazy. It’s time we defuse the ever present PMS once and for all.
This is just a partial list of things we can defend ourselves with. Women have apparently learned many of these same skills at a much earlier age than we first guessed. It’s time for us to play catch up and level the playing field a little. I’ll be sure to pass other things along to help make all of you out there the excellent lovers and partners your women are looking for. If it makes them a little crazier than usual that’s just a huge plus.
MAN POWER!!!!!
It’s not unusual these days to hear people from other countries constantly complaining about America, Americans, and everything else American. We’re too loud, we’re too arrogant, we’re bullies, and on and on it goes. After continuously hearing all of that I then wonder why it is that so many of the same people from every nation on the planet would die to come here. Many hundreds of illegals have died in the deserts of northern Mexico just trying to cross the border to get here.
I always assume that money is the motivation for everything as well as political persecution but both of those things can be avoided by fleeing to many other countries besides the United States. Why then does everyone want to be here? As I lounged in my bed this morning a thought came to me that might explain it. As you know many countries have an odd assortment of traditions and customs that are truly weird and strange to us. I think many of our traditions are equally strange to them. They can’t seem to understand why we do certain things but they want to experience them with us. I’ve put together a list of ten things we Americans do that even I don’t understand. Lets take a look at them.
-
Black Friday Shopping Sprees – My better-half and hundreds of thousands of others religiously participate in this insanity. I know that she and I will never spend Black Friday together unless I bow to this tradition.
-
Presidential Turkey Pardons – This is so lame it’s embarrassing to admit that it’s true. Eat the freaking bird and be done with it. So freaking dumb!
-
Gay Pride Parades - I can’t think of any reason why these are necessary at all. Maybe we need a Heterosexual Pride Parade every so often where we can get crazy and half-naked and make complete fools of ourselves. Oh wait, I forgot we have Spring Break for that.
-
Tailgate Parties – This is just a further extension of the nations sports obsession. These get togethers continue to get more ridiculous every year but it’s something the Food channel can’t survive without.
-
Cow Tipping – This is reported to be a true American tradition from the Midwestern part of the country. I’ve never seen it done nor have I ever participated in cow tipping. It’s just another reason to give the folks living in farm country a hard time. Funny but unverified.
-
Punkin Chunkin – I’ve watched this on TV a few times but really didn’t think it was much of a tradition until two years ago. My better-half and I were riding around enjoying the pretty Fall colors when we came upon dozens of cars parked near a farmers field. People were standing around in groups watching some locals chunking pumpkins across the field. Every time one exploded everyone cheered. Why, I have no freaking idea.
-
Watching Super Bowl Commercials – I have many more friends who watch the Super Bowl just for the commercials rather than the game itself. Go figure!
-
Roadside Death Shrines - Over the years I’ve seen hundreds of these shrines built by friends and family of people killed in traffic accidents. Again, I don’t understand the need to build a shrine along some road. Some are really unbelievable. I saw one near my home that had it’s own decorated Christmas Tree.
-
Sensationalism - Everything in this country is sensationalized. Crimes of the Century, Games of the Century, Storms of the Century, and anything else you can think of. If it isn’t the biggest and baddest in history it just isn’t worth mentioning. This is one tradition we could do without.
-
Ground Hog Day Predictions - This is so stupid I really thought about not mentioning it at all. So consider it not mentioned.
Come one! Come all! All you crazy folks from around the globe. It’s taken America more than two hundred years but we finally developed and celebrate as many weird and stupid things as the people in your homeland do. You should fit right into this looney-bin we call America. So come on down.
Do you have any addictions that your not too proud of? I’m not talking about the regular run-of-the-mill addictions like drugs, booze, and sex but lesser known ones. This question came up while I was watching a television show called Strange Addictions. Not many shows have the capability to give me the creeps but this one did. These quirky addictions like eating dirt or dryer sheets to me aren’t really addictions. I’m not sure what the hell they are but OMG WTF is going in in this society when that needs to be broadcast to the world as entertainment.
I can understand wanting to bask in the glow of celebrity for fifteen minutes but apparently they are no ‘good taste’ limits anymore. Who in the hell goes on national television to tell the world how screwed up they are? Their families must be so proud. I’m also sure that some person or group would immediately step forward to defend this behavior with all sorts of justifications that by talking about these issues it’s possible to help others. I’m sorry but that sounds to me like a huge load of BS. Over the years I’ve developed one of the best BS detectors ever and I know when someone’s feeding me load of manure. By publicizing this odd and weird behavior nothing is truly being accomplished. It’s just another P.T. Barnum moment when the suckers are drawn in by the weirdness and the creators of these shows walk away with a great deal of money in their pockets.
No one has ever approached me about my addiction. My addiction is just as newsworthy as all of these others but I’ve yet to be offered a segment on any television show. My addiction isn’t the least bit horrible or disgusting unless your a member of the Muslim religion. So today is the day that I’m standing up and shouting out to the world that I’M ADDICTED TO BACON. I’ve reached out to many people for help with little or no success. It’s gotten so bad I’ve even considered coming out of my early retirement to buy property and open a pig farm. Then I could have an endless supply of that beautiful, crunchy, salty, and flavorful food.
My addiction is real, not exaggerated for television. I’ve lived with this for more than forty years and I’ll probably go to my death with the smell of bacon on my breath. Bacon and eggs, BLT’s, and bacon bits are the high lights of my week. I realize the dangers but I just can’t stop. It was easier to quite smoking after twenty years than to give up my wonderful bacon addiction.
I just finished reading an article about a product that is to be released soon. While it won’t help me with my addiction it seems that many woman with the same addiction are soon to be made very happy. It’s nice to see that some companies are stepping forward with new products that have sadly been missing from our lives for far too long. Read on.
I don’t think this what Bill Gates had in mind when he offered $100,000 to someone to invent the next generation condom. Just when you though the bacon fad was fizzling out, J&D’s Foods –the same Seattle-based company that brought us the bacon coffin and bacon mayonnaise (all real products) — now has introduced Bacon Condoms that claims to "make your meat look like meat." As an added bonus, each condom is coated with its very own J&D’s baconlube.
From a press release: "Truly the new standard of animal protein themed prophylactics Bacon Condoms are proudly Made in America of the highest quality latex and rigorously tested to help ensure the utmost reliability and safety for when you’re makin’ Bacon."
And just when you hoped America’s bacon fad was dying out, the company is also releasing Bacon Sunscreen. Why? According to the release, "science has shown us that 10 out of 10 people prefer the smell of Bacon to coconut, which makes this the most anticipated new product of the summer." Please, put a fork in it.
Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/leisure/2013/03/28/company-releases-new-bacon-flavored-condoms/#ixzz2OvwKd19w
My life is now complete. If I buy these products it will not only greatly improve my sex life but the sex lives of bacon loving women everywhere. Stand up and declare your addiction ladies and then call me. Maybe we can get one of the networks to put us on the air and give us our fifteen minutes of fame. (Sarcasm Off)
everyuselessthing.com 