Archive for the ‘Useless Crap’ Category
Most people consider themselves to have a great sense of humor and so do I. I’m sarcastic to a fault with an extremely dry sense of humor. Some people like it, some people don’t, as in all things.
One of the first things I look for when I meet someone new is their sense of humor. Do they like to laugh? Are they quick witted and enjoy being kidded? That’s the difference between being my friend or just being an acquaintance. I’ve been told that making a decision on someone based solely on humor just isn’t fair. That’s probably true but that’s the way I do it. I’ve met really intelligent people who have no sense of humor at all. Is that how you would like to spend your time, with them? Not me.
Everyone thinks they have a sense of humor. That really smart guy who I just met and accused of having no sense of humor thinks he’s the funniest guy on the planet. That’s one of the reasons attending a comedy club amateur night can be so much fun. That smart guy will stand up, say a few so-called funny stories, and bomb terribly. While some drunken schmuck will get up and have the entire place in stitches almost immediately. As with beauty, humor is in the eye of the beholder.
Here’s a collection of so-called humorous quotations by so-called celebrities. You be the judge on who’s funny and who’s not.
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“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”
― Chris Rock
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“I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”
― Woody Allen
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“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There’s just something about you that pisses me off.”
― Stephen King
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“It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
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“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.”
― Dr. Seuss
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“My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”
― Winston Churchill
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“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
― George Burns
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“Mom says it’s because she has PMS.
Do you even know what that means?
"I’m not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome”
― Nicholas Sparks
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“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
― Steven Wright
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“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
― Steve Martin
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“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
― Robert A. Heinlein
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“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
― Woody Allen
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“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
― Groucho Marx
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“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
― W.C. Fields
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“Ever notice how ‘What the hell’ is always the right answer?”
― Marilyn Monroe
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“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
― Albert Einstein
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“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”
― Oscar Levant
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“Life’s hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid.”
― John Wayne
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“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.”
― Albert Einstein
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“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.”
― Groucho Marx
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“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
― Billy Sunday
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“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
― Mark Twain
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“I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.”
― Jane Austen
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“I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.”
― Mae West
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“Happiness is a warm puppy.”
― Charles M. Schulz
Are all of these quotations funny, not really, but the person making them thinks they are. It just goes to show that a well developed sense of humor can change people’s perception of you one way or another. Good, bad, indifferent, what does it matter, at least they’ve noticed you and you’ve made an impression. That’s the first step to a possible life long friendship.
I love cooking, I love eating, and I also love living. If the experts out there are correct those three things are no longer compatible with each other. For most of my life I’ve had one group or another of so called experts explaining to me in great detail what in their opinion would shorten or end my life. I’m not talking about guns or knives or any type of weapon but food and other consumables.
I can’t drink the water because most of it contains harmful or deadly toxins that could be fatal with extended consumption. I can’t breath the air because it’s polluted with toxins that could give me a cancer. Those two things are basic to all life on the earth of which there is plenty but they could kill me. Do I stop consuming them? If I do I’ll die for sure. A seriously flawed conundrum.
Don’t eat eggs. They’ll cause your cholesterol to soar putting you at risk. Don’t eat bacon. It will kill you. No more red meat. It will kill you too. Don’t eat too much oil. It will kill you. No sugar. It will also kill you. No sugar substitutes. They’ll kill you too. Stop eating salt. It could kill you. Drink only low fat milk. Whole milk contains something that will kill you. No dairy products. They can kill you too. Don’t eat fish or seafood. Too much mercury. Don’t eat potato chips. They’ll kill you. No fried foods. They can kill you. No coffee. It can kill you.
Carbs are bad. Protein is bad. Oil is bad. Salt is bad. Sugar is bad. Water is bad. The air is bad. Being fat is bad. Being skinny is bad. Being too active is bad. Not being active enough is bad too. Drinking alcohol is bad. It will kill you. Smoking is evil. You will day a horrible death. Don’ eat sweets. They have sugar and will kill you.
I guess my point is that if you never want to die you should stop doing and eating all of the above things. Wait, that can’t be right. You’re going to die anyway.
Let’ try this. I could become a Vegan who eats nothing but bland unseasoned organic veggies. I’ll drink nothing but pure filtered water, wear a mask to filter the air, and never touch any food that tastes good or even looks good. I’ll exercise just enough to keep me healthy and skinny and never consume caffeine, drugs of any kind, alcohol, or sweets. People would praise me as someone doing things the natural way, the way things ought to be for the entire world. I’ll form research groups to reinforce my opinions and write books and sell DVD’s to become rich and influential. I’ll then use all of my money and influence to pressure politicians to pass laws that will force everyone to be healthy. Once the entire country has been converted then I’ll do everything in my power to convince the world. After I’ve become the voice of reason for all things health related, I’ll live just long enough to finally die. Just like everyone else.
All that effort and BS just to die like every other unhealthy person on the planet. Hardly seems worth the effort to me. Just give me a cold beer, a bag of chips, a good bacon and egg breakfast, a nice juicy salted steak with all the trimmings, and a good smoke and glass of brandy. Then I’ll be ready to die too.
I’ll rather die happy eating a banana split covered with whipped cream, nuts, and a huge cherry on top than being a stinky and unhappy dead Vegan. If I’m gonna go I want it to be on my own terms. It’s something called freedom of which we have very little these days.
Bon Appetite
I was just sitting here today preparing to write a post and became distracted and sidetracked when I began to mentally list a number of things that annoy me. I enjoy "free association" as a means of clearing my head because it’s like wiping my mental blackboard so I can restart with a fresh train of thought. I recorded that list for some unknown reason and thought I’d share it with you. It could just as easily be called a list of Things I Hate but I like to save my hatred for people and things that really deserve it. So this list is officially Things That Annoy Me in no particular order of importance and exactly as I recorded them.
People who constantly talk over me
People who answer a question with a question
Pop-up ads
Taking a dump in a public restroom
People who don’t get sarcasm
Tyra Banks
Fake handicap spot parkers
OBX stickers
Street performers
White people with dreadlocks
There’s the first ten. I see nothing too startling there and can only assume most of you would agree with me that these things are annoying. Moving right along.
Chatty Customer Service people who won’t shut up
Authority of any kind
Wannabe gangsta idiots
Finally being in bed and realizing you forgot to turn off the lights
Obama
Rappers
Country music
Toddlers & Tiaras
Game requests on Facebook
Pedophiles
Are you still with me? Have any of these struck a chord with you? I would hate to think that many of these items really don”t bother other people because that would then make me something of an oddball. Let’s keep going.
Anything Kardashian
People talking while blocking a grocery store aisle
People who don’t thank you after you hold a door for them
People who start panicking by slamming an imaginary brake in you car
Soccer
People that don’t do their job
Foreign people that make fun of America
When people make a movie out of a book and screw it up
No Wi-Fi
People who correct me
It’s amazing to me just how many things that occur everyday can be so bothersome. Have we become so numb to this continuous stream of annoyance that we are now desensitized to it? I sometimes think that’s true. Here are my final ten. I stopped after fifty because I was becoming bored with this whole thing. Maybe I can make your list as “Someone who is boring and annoying”.” That would be ironic and yes really annoying, a two-fer.
People who are skinny and on a diet
Funerals
Wet or gooey door knobs
Slow Internet
People that call Soccer football
Clowns
Liars
People using text abbreviations out loud
Hostesses who ask “Would you like a table?”
Projectile vomiting
This list could go on and on but I think my point’s been made. Now my mind is clear and I’m ready to face the day refreshed and less aggravated. I wonder just how long it will take for something new to annoy me so I can start working on my next list of fifty.
Today I get to play winemaker. I’ve been making homemade wines for more than twenty years and plan on making it for twenty more. My better-half became so interested that she began making her own batches about five years ago. She leans toward berry wines and her specialty has become Tripleberry Wine. It’s made from a mix of blueberries, strawberries, and blackberries. I have to admit it’s damn tasty and goes well with almost any dish.
For years I only made your basic wines. Some were made from fresh fruit while other were made from professionally produced concentrates. I’ve always tried to be creative with my winemaking and I’ve even made excellent wine from the fruit of the Mountain Ash tree. My all time favorite over the years has been dandelion wine made from blossoms collected from nearby fields. It’s a killer to make because you sit for hours removing only the yellow petals. The first time I attempted making it I found out much too late that rubber gloves should be worn. I had really disgusting yellow fingers and hands for weeks.
I enjoy experimenting a great deal and in recent years have made a number of cooking wines which turned out rather well. I first made onion and garlic wine which turned out to be an incredible marinade. Then I made twenty-five bottles of habanero wine to be used for marinades and cooking. I found as time went by it actually became hotter as it sat in the bottle. Some people actually like drinking it but that’s not for me. If your doing a stir-fry adding a cup of it will spark things up nicely. Again a safety tip, when making anything with habaneros wear a double layer of latex gloves.
Today is bottling day for a fifteen bottle batch of the better-half’s wine and a twenty-five bottle batch of my latest experiment, gin wine. I’m a big fan of gin but drinking the hard stuff is a little much sometimes. I decided to make a wine out of the same ingredients that actual gin brewers use. If recent taste tests are any indicator this batch isn’t all that good. It has an alcohol content of about ten percent and might just make a great tar remover for our cars. The smell of gin is there but that’s about it. It tastes like a cross between battery acid and Lysol. I’ll bottle up a few bottles for long term storage but the rest will unfortunately be discarded. The better-half’s Tripleberry tastes great and will be bottled and stored today.
Making wine is always risky and ever so often you’ll get a batch that is just God awful. I’m hoping this summer is hot and sunny making our blackberry crop fat and juicy. We have a few secret spots in certain areas of the county where we harvest blackberries by the bucket full. They make the best jams and wines and we’re looking forward to doing it again this summer.
I’ll be sure to have a glass or two today to toast the arrival of Spring and the demise of the gin wine.
I started out today writing a post on political polling. Upon completion I reread it and found myself bored to actual tears. I may post it in the future but every time I write about politics or politicians I feel kinda dirty. Someday soon when I’m having one of those “I hate politicians” days I’ll post it. Today I feel like passing along a few more items of totally useless information to help make your lives richer and fuller. Here we go.
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Too much coffee can kill you. A lethal dose for an average adult is around 10 grams. That’s the equivalent of drinking between fifty and two hundred cups in rapid succession.
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Malaria mosquitos are attracted to ripe Limburger cheese and smelly feet.
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Members of the U.S. Congress are the highest paid legislators in the world.
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Toilet paper was invented by the Chinese. In 1391 they produced 720,000 sheets a year for exclusive use of the emperor. Each sheet measured 2 feet by three feet.
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Disney World in Orlando covers 30,400 acres or 46 square miles. That’s twice the size of Manhattan.
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A cockroaches brain is spread throughout it’s body., If you chop off the head, it can still live up to a week. It finally dies because it can’t eat.
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You can get cooties. Cooties are lice.
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Mosquito repellant does not repel mosquitos. It blocks their sensors so they don’t know your there.
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Poison ivy is a member of the cashew family of plants that supplies us with cashews and pistachio nuts.
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Charlie Chaplin once lost a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest. He didn’t even make it to the finals.
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Artists have more sexual partners.
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The Puritan’s bought beer to America.
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Antarctica is the only continent without owls.
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A ten gallon hat only holds three-quarters of a gallon.
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The first film version of Frankenstein was a fifteen minute silent produced by Thomas Edison.
Well there you have it. I saved you all from a boring political rant and offered up this collection of incredible information at the same time. We do live in miraculous times, don’t we? I’m out the door and on my way in five minutes so ending this right now is necessary. Consider it ended.
Today my better-half and I took a break from yard work, gardening, and working in general. It was a sunny and warm day so we decided to take a trip down memory lane. We made a nostalgic drive down to the southern border of Maine and retraced a route we used many years ago when we spent some weekends visiting yard sales and flea markets. The routes took us into New Hampshire a few times and back into Maine. The scenery was beautiful and with a little good music was really enjoyable.
When I first moved to the Maine and New Hampshire area in 1999 one of the first things I discovered was the incredible number of yard sales. On any Saturday afternoon if I so desired I could visit thirty to forty of them without driving more than a few miles from my home. I was a little hesitant going into people’s yards and garages but I finally got over that. I made so many incredible purchases in the first few months that I became hooked.
It wasn’t until a few years later that my better-half and I met and began our lives together. During all the billing and cooing and rush of a new relationship we started making yard sale safaris as one of our regular weekend activities. We developed specific routes in and around the border depending on what types of things we were searching for. We made many great purchases and had fun doing it.
We knew the best times to shop and the yard sales that always sold specific types of merchandise. We knew which yard sale always carried car accessories and auto parts, craft materials, collectibles and home goods. We knew if we visited the "Pig Lady" my better half could buy any number of pig related collectibles for her pig collection. We visited the "Bottle Guy" who was an old hoarder with three building full of antique glassware, old furniture, and just about anything else you could think of. He had forty years of treasures stuffed into some old and filthy buildings. We knew to wear gloves after our first visit there.
As we began our trek today we were reasonably sure that most of those old places had long since disappeared. We were wrong. Many of our old stops were still there doing business and hadn’t changed a bit. We searched through the "Bottle Guy’s" place for an hour and really found nothing we wanted or needed this trip. It was still fun to return to these places we visited for so many years and to reminisce a little.
We didn’t make many purchases today but that was okay. It was more about our time spent together and remembering the fun we had back in the day. We plan on doing this more often in the future so we can have more quality time together away from he normal madness. It’s an activity that clears the mind, reminds us again of how much fun we can have together, and finding an occasional treasure or two is just a “cherry on top of the sundae”.
We even managed to stop at a little corner store out in the middle of nowhere to enjoy a few pieces of chicken. This was a stop we never missed because the chicken was to die for.
As a very young man working my way through puberty I was confronted with sexual desires which truthfully scared the hell out of me. I found myself smitten with girls who had blonde hair. The fact that they also had a French accent was just a plus in my mind and made my fantasy more real. I told everyone that someday I would marry a blonde French women and move to Paris. Looking back it makes me smile to think just how naive I really was.
In those days the current ridicule of blondes was just starting primarily because of a few Hollywood actresses like Marilyn Monroe and Mae West. At the time I paid little or no attention to all of the blonde bashing that was slowly developing even after it turned into a national obsession. It continues today as an easy way to get laughs by comedians and television hosts alike.
My likes and dislikes of women have dramatically changed over the years and my desire for blondes has lessened somewhat. Was this craziness about blondes being dumb the cause of that change? Maybe. These days anyone can be a blonde at a moments notice and it sometimes seems there aren’t many real blondes left. It now requires us men to find out as soon as possible if "the curtains really match the rug". Unfortunately these days many women have opted for a much smaller rug and many times no rug at all. It’s all very confusing for us former blonde men. That’s right, as a young man I was a natural blonde.
I have to admit many blondes do come across as being a little dense at times and others can use that as a means to disarm the men they deal with. I now believe that being blonde is just a state of mind and that any man or women becomes effected by the blonde myth the moment they adopt that as their hair color. I’ve seen brunettes who’ve gone blonde and immediately seem to get more playful and less threatening. They become easier to approach, more fun to be with, and at times more sexually inclined. Hence the famous quote, “blonde’s have more fun”.
So the blonde thing has come full circle from it’s earliest days. I find it interesting just how often some middle aged women go blonde after experiencing the onset of that famous middle age spread. My blonde hair eventually turned light brown and I was safe from ridicule. I didn’t notice any obvious personality change in myself and my life went on as usual.
As a former blonde I feel I have as much right as anyone to have a little fun with the blonde thing. I don’t think the blonde issue will ever be explained or understood and that’s fine with me. Blondes that take offense can just change their hair color and become one of the majority. I’m still looking for the real blondes who don’t care want people think and are standing proud.
I couldn’t write this posting without adding one of my favorite blonde jokes. I guess I’m just as bad as everyone else and I hope it brings a smile or smirk to your face.
Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde. The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted: "… Ready … Aim … !! and suddenly the brunette yelled, "EARTHQUAKE!" Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped.
So they brought in the redhead and asked if she had any last requests. She said no, and the executioner shouted: "… Ready … Aim …!! and suddenly the redhead yelled "TORNADO!" Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped.
Well, by now, the blonde had it all figured out. They brought her forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted: "… Ready … Aim … !! and the blonde yelled, "FIRE!"
So lame but still funny. I hope all of you blondes out there can forgive me, I’m just a weak formerly blonde man.
I’ve been accused on occasion of thinking everyone I’ve ever met is stupid. I’m really not that jaded to think something that’s so ridiculous. I do believe that every person on the planet has the capability to have moments of genius and just as many have moments of stupid, myself included. I’m just fascinated and maybe overly so by people either being “stupid” or just acting “stupid”. I’ve dealt with and interviewed thousands of people over the years and the number that could be considered “stupid” by any normal human being is nothing less than mind boggling. I’ve also known my fair share of genius level people, both male and female, and almost all of them come across as “stupid” when you discuss anything except their specific fields of interest. They are so focused on them that everything else is unimportant.
I’ve reread a book recently that’s translated from the Italian and it was all about “Stupid”. The authors name was Carlo M. Cipolla and he was Professor Emeritus of Economic History at Berkeley. His first book was published in 1988 in Bologna and in that book there’s an essay called The Basic Laws of Human Stupidity, which may be the best thing ever written on the subject.
Here are his Five Laws of Stupidity somewhat paraphrased:
1. We always underestimate the number of stupid people.
He also observes that it is impossible to set a percentage, because any number we choose will be too small.
2. The probability of a person being stupid is independent of any other characteristic of that person.
Militant feminists may be incensed, says Cipolla, but the stupidity factor is the same in both genders (or as many genders, or sexes, as you may choose to consider). No difference in the sigma factor, as Cipolla calls it, can be found by race, color, ethnic heritage, education, etcetera.
3. (And Golden) A stupid person is someone who causes damage to another person, or a group of people, without any advantage accruing to himself (or herself) — or even with some resultant self-damage.
(We shall come back to this, because it is the pivotal concept of the Cipolla Theory.)
4. Non-stupid people always underestimate the damaging power of stupid people. They constantly forget that at any moment, and in any circumstance, associating with stupid people invariably constitutes an expensive mistake.
That (I would say) suggests that non-stupid people are a bit stupid — but I shall get back to this point at the end.
5. A stupid person is the most dangerous person in existence.
This is probably the most widely understood of the Laws, if only because it is common knowledge that intelligent people, hostile as they might be, are predictable, while stupid people are not. Moreover, its basic corollary:
A stupid person is more dangerous than a bandit.
He leads us to the heart of the Cipolla Theory. There are four types of people, he says, depending on their behavior in a transaction:
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Hapless – Someone whose actions tend to generate self-damage, but also to create advantage for someone else.
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Intelligent – Someone whose actions tend to generate self-advantage, as well as advantage for others.
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Bandit – Someone whose actions tend to generate self-advantage while causing damage to others.
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Stupid – We already have this definition in the Third Law.
It has become painfully obvious to me that I haven’t even scratched the surface of “stupid” compared to Mr. Cipolla. I’ve accepted the fact that my reading and understanding of “stupid” must be taken to the next level or maybe I’m just being “stupid” too.
I have a lot of fun pointing out “stupid” on this blog and will continue to do until it stops being funny. Hopefully at some point in the future I’ll be able to sit down and rewrite Cipolla’s Laws from a more modern perspective and with a touch more humor.
“IT IS ONE OF THE BLESSINGS OF OLD FRIENDS THAT YOU CAN AFFORD TO BE STUPID WITH THEM”. Ralph Waldo Emerson
It’s time again for another installment of totally useless information. If you remember all of these tidbits after reading this blog for a year you’ll be declared an Unofficial Trivial Pursuit Expert. Even that game doesn’t include some of the strange and useless stuff found here.
My search will continue to find as many of these stupid and useless facts as possible and forward them along for your amusement. We humans are a strange folk as reflected by the following:
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Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 other million people in the world?
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Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
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Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
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Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
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In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
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If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human’s neck.
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The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary.
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During your lifetime, you’ll eat about 60,000 pounds of food, that’s the weight of about 6 elephants.
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There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones.
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More people use blue toothbrushes, than red ones.
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Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet.
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The average American/Canadian drinks about 600 sodas a year.
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Humans blink over 10,000,000 times a year.
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In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an "Honorary Harlem Globetrotter”.
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Every second, Americans collectively eat one hundred pounds of chocolate.
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A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day.
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In 32 years. there are about 1 billion seconds.
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Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms every day.
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Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
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If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
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Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
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A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans.
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Every 45 seconds, a house catches on fire in the United States.
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The average ice berg weighs 20,000,000 tons.
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A lump of pure gold the size of a matchbox can be flattened into a sheet the size of a tennis court.
I think my favorite from this list is Pope John Paul II becoming an honorary Harlem Globetrotter. It’s funny on a number of levels and I can just picture him, robes flapping, doing a Michael Jordan flight to the basket for a truly holy dunk.
I’m what most people would consider a person who dresses down instead of up. I’ve always been much more concerned with comfort than fashion (ask anyone who knows me). For most of my adult life after serving in the Army I was required to wear a suit and tie every day. I started out wearing sport coats and dress slacks, then to three piece suits, and finally to a more expensive brand of suits required by my position and the company I worked for. Even as a police officer I wore the company uniform when not working undercover. A tightly tailored and uncomfortable outfit with a big hat, lots of leather, a gun, and other assorted tools of the trade. I hated it.
I was forced to maintain quite an assortment of garments for a number of different companies because I didn’t want to look too stupid or out of style. I eventually had almost a hundred ties, dozens of shirts, suits, and all of the stupid accoutrements that seem to be required for each. It was awful. I’d have preferred on any given day to wear a T-shirt, shorts, and a raggedy old pair of flip flops.
After many years of "dressing for the man" I finally saw that light at the end of the tunnel and it was my retirement. I actually never thought I’d retire but the State of Maine in it’s infinite wisdom offered me early retirement since my job was being eliminated due to fiscal concerns. I was pissed and upset for about five minutes and then began planning my future.
I needed to simplify my life in many ways. I decided that with no company or boss to help dress me I would finally get to go my own way. My final day of work was one of those days where everyone comes around to say their goodbyes and to tell you how much they’d miss you (and good riddance). About seventy percent of them are just being politically correct and couldn’t care less. They should have just held an official funeral service right then and there because that’s what it felt like. I said all the right things, shook the right hands, smiled, and all the while thinking, "get me the hell out of here".
The next morning I awoke a new man. I spent a good portion of that day packing up all of my suits, ties, sport coats, overcoats, dress shoes, and anything else I could think of. That was one trip to Goodwill I’ll never forget. I kept one good suit, two dress shirts, one overcoat, and one pair of dress shoes for the occasional wedding and/or funeral. My closet was finally empty. It took a few weeks longer to rid myself of all those other little things that tied me to certain companies for such a large part of my life. It felt good to be free of it all and it also created a need for a huge wardrobe change and a serious shopping trip.
It’s now four and a half years later and things have changed dramatically. I look in my closet and what do I see? Three pairs of sneakers, four pairs of flip flops, one pair of dress shoes, two pairs of beach shoes, and four pair of Crocs. Next comes ten pairs of jeans, fifty assorted T-shirts, twelve pairs of shorts, four dress shirts, one suit, one raincoat, and a flannel shirt or two so people will know I’m still from Maine. One pair of hiking boots, a back pack, camera equipment, a walking stick, and a pair of really cool snow shoes w/ poles.
Welcome to my new so called life.
everyuselessthing.com 