I ‘ve always enjoyed writing this blog because along with the fun interaction with readers I’m forced to continue my education into the use and misuse of the English language. Needless to say, after reading many of the somewhat illiterate emails I receive it’s obvious that more English needs to be taught at all levels of our education system and those of nearby countries. I suppose it would probably help a lot if the English language was mandated as the official language of this country, but until then my advice for potential legal immigrants is to learn passable conversational English and then go through the legal processes put in place to make you a future citizen. Unfortunately, that’s a subject for another day because today’s post is about WORDS.
Dr. Seuss is credited with the first use of the word “Nerd”.
The word “Geek” comes from the German word “geck” which means fool.
Another classier word for “stripper” is ecdysiast.
The longest made-up word in the Oxford English Dictionary is “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis”
In 1972 comedian George Carlin was arrested during a performance for publicly speaking seven unacceptable words: shit, piss, f*ck, c*nt, c**ksucker, motherf**ker, and tits. (I cleaned them up for all of you delicate types)
Only oysters, shellfish, and clams can be “shucked”.
There are 15 three letter words starting with the letter “Z”: zag, zap, zas, zax, zed, zee, zek, zep, zig, zin, zip, zit, zoa, zoo, and zuz. (That may help your Scrabble game)
The toughest tongue twister in the English language is “The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep is sick.”
The word “earthling” was first used in Science Fiction in Robert Heinlein’s 1949 novel Red Planet.
It seems that the whole world is fascinated by the American west and cowboy lifestyles in general. But I’ve noticed over the years, being a limerick collector, there seem to be a huge gap of limericks relating to that time period. I think today is as good as any day to begin remedying that problem. I’d like to give a shout out to the memory of the late Ray Allen Billington, who spent many years writing about the American West. He edited and authored twenty-five books prior to his passing in 1981 and many contained limericks. So, put on your cowboy hat, slip on those fancy leather boots and spurs, sit back and enjoy a few wild west limericks to help kick start your libido.
Well, I’m sitting here in Maine expecting the fourth snowstorm in the last few weeks and freezing my butt off. I really can’t go outside because I’m not a snow bunny, so I sit here at the computer trying to decide what to post. Everyone knows that I love limericks, so I thought I’d take it one step further than usual and attempt to locate a few limericks written prior to 1900. I found a few but needless to say the language is a little coarser than usual. I’m posting them as originally written but I recommend you keep them out of the hands of children. These four limericks were written in the 1880’s.
It’s said that most geniuses are borderline crazy. Herre are a few facts that might interest you.
MARK TWAIN
Mark Twain was born in 1835 in the year when Haley’s Comet could be seen from Earth, and fulfilling his own death prophecy, he died in 1910, the next time the comet cycled near the Earth, 76 years later.
The Museum of Modern Art in New York City hung Henri Matisse’s painting Le Bateau upside down for 47 days before an alert art student noticed the error.
Poet Ezra Pound wrote The Pisan Cantos while imprisoned in a U.S. army camp in Pisa, Italy. He had been arrested for treason because he had broadcasted Fascist propaganda from Italy during World War II. Eventually judged insane, Pound spent 12 years in a Washington D.C. mental hospital before finally returning to Italy.
Novelist Edgar Allan Poe was once a student at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point. Poe flunked out in a particularly spectacular way. An order came for all cadets to show up for a full-dress parade “wearing white belt and gloves, under arms.” He followed the order all too literally, appearing wearing nothing but a belt and carrying his gloves under his naked arms.
EZRA POUND
Robert Lewis Stevenson (1850-1894) wrote Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, a book of 60,000 words, during a six-day cocaine binge. He was also reported to have been suffering from tuberculosis at the time.
British writers Aldous Huxley and C.S. Lewis both died on November 22nd, 1963, the day of John Kennedy’s assassination.
American author Norman Mailer once stabbed his wife and then wrote a novel about it called An American Dream.
Both William Shakespeare and Miguel de Cervantes, who was considered by some to be Shakespeare’s literary equivalent, died on the same day: April 23, 1616.
Do you consider yourself a truthful person? As a young person I thought I was always truthful but as I aged, I discovered just how wrong I was. There have been many times that I used exaggeration to make a point clearer and more interesting but in fact that is actually being somewhat untruthful. I think I can safely say that everyone at one time or another plays fast and loose with the truth for any number of reasons. Here is a collection of comments and quotations about the truth that make a great deal of sense.
“The trouble with stretching the truth is that it’s apt to snap back.” Anonymous
“Truth is such a rare thing; it is delightful to tell it.” Emily Dickinson
“The man who speaks the truth is always at ease.” Persian Proverb
“If you speak the truth have a foot in the stirrup.” Turkish Proverb
“Truth is the anvil which has worn out many a hammer.” Anonymous
“Everyone loves the truth, but not everyone tells it.” Yiddish Proverb
“Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.” Winston Churchill
“Craft must have clothes, but truth lives to go naked.” Thomas Fuller
“Truth is heavy; few therefore can bear it.” Hebrew Proverb
“Seldom any splendid story is wholly true.” Anonymous
And finally, a quote from one of my favorite people: Mark Twain
“When in doubt, tell the truth.“
And here’s one of my own:
“Always tell the truth and do the right thing regardless of the consequences.”
This is a perfect day for a truck load of silliness. First let’s look over some truly stupid and published newspaper headlines.
CHILD’S STOOL GREAT FOR USE IN THE GARDEN
SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN
DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
MAN RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN DIES
Next are a few actual classified ads that made me smile.
😁😁😁
Joining nudist colony, must sell washer & dryer – $300.00
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.
Man wanted to work in explosive factory. Must be willing to travel.
Quotes and Malaprops from actual high school and college exams on the subject of Music Appreciation
😜😜😜
The principal singer of nineteenth-century opera was called the pre-Madonna.
Agnes Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.
And finally, a serious quote from a serious Playboy playmate, Barbie Benton.
(Not PETA Approved)
“I believe that minks are raised to be turned into fur coats and if we didn’t wear fur coats, those little animals would never have been born. So is it better not to have been born, or to have lived for one or two years to have been turned into a fur coat. I don’t know.”
Another freezing cold day here in Maine. I don’t feel as bad about it as I normally do because I can spend my day watching videos of the folks down south enjoying the snow with their families. My favorite so far came out of south Louisiana where the roads had been closed to car traffic. One genius soul braved the snow squalls and rode down the main street of his town on a swamp air boat. Too cool for school! Today’s quiz will be about artists, a favorite topic of mine. Answers will be listed below.
The “Gibson Girl” made famous by artist Charles Dana Gibson, was what woman?
Fulton, Missouri, has a thirty-two-foot sculpture titled “Breakthrough“. What cold war relic does it commemorate?
If you wanted to see a lot of paintings of dogs, what midwestern city would you visit?
What famous female painter started painting because her fingers had become too stiff for embroidering?
What great artist signed his pictures with a sketch of a butterfly?
What great French sculptor’s works are featured in a Philadelphia Museum?
Grant Woods famous painting, American Gothic shows a farm couple, with the man holding a pitchfork. What relation are the man and woman?
What huge outdoor sculpture was created by Gutzon Borglum?
What president’s much visited statue in D.C. was sculpted by Daniel Chester French?
Californias most famous cemetery has several large reproductions of famous religious paintings. What is the cemetery?
Answers
Gibsons wife, The Berlin Wall, St. Louis’s Dog Museum, Grandma Moses, James Whistler, Rodin famous for “The Thinker“, Father and Daughter, Mount Rushmore, The Lincoln Memorial, Forest Lawn in Glendale.
Today’s post won’t mean much to you Millennials, Gen Z-er’s, Gen X-er’s, or whatever other ridiculous name is currently in fashion. These days everyone is required to have a stupid label but let me assure you here and now that my generation was limited to only two labels/pronouns, Him and Her. I know that’s going to cause a great deal of confusion for all of you WOKE youngsters out there, but I don’t really care.
I’m now considered to be an “old fart” whose opinions and thoughts are out-of-date and no longer relevant to this modern era. I’m not the least bit insulted by that and actually take it as a true left-handed compliment of sorts. I hope all of you “labelled” individuals out there are able to read the following lists without voicing your unimportant opinions in a disrespectful manner. Be patient because it’s a long list but well worth reading.
Close your eyes… and go back…
Before the Internet, before semiautomatic pistols and crack and Mac-10’s.
Before SEGA or Super Nintendo or X-Box.
Way back…
Red light, Green light, 1 2 3.
Chocolate milk, lunch tickets, penny candy in a brown paper bag.
Hopscotch, butterscotch, double Dutch, jacks, kickball, and dodge ball.
Mother May I? Hula Hoops and Sunflower Seeds, jawbreakers, blow pops, Mary Janes.
The smell of the sun and lickin’ salty lips.
Wait, there’s more. . .
Catchin’ lightening bugs in a jar, playin slingshot and Red Rover.
When around the corner seemed far away, and going downtown seemed like going somewhere.
Climbing trees.
Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, sittin’ on the curb, jumpin’ down the steps,
Jumpin’ on the bed, pillow fights.
Being tickled to death, runnin’ till you were out of breath.
Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt.
Playing catch with your best friend for hours or until your arm hurt.
I’m not quite finished just yet…
Licking the beaters when your mother made a cake.
Getting hundreds of kisses from a gang of puppies.
When there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys (Keds & PF Flyers), and the only time you wore them at school, was for “gym.”
When nearly everyone’s mom was at home when the kids got there.
When you’d reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.
When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, every day.
When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, for free. And you didn’t pay for air, and you got trading stamps to boot!
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought anything of it.
Don’t stop reading yet…
When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.
When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed…and did!
When being sent to the principal’s office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn’t because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Disapproval of our parents and grandparents was a much bigger threat!
Decisions were made by going “eeny-meeny-miney-mo.”
“Race issue” meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in “Monopoly.”
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
Kids only received trophies when they actually won something.
Almost finished, be patient…
Being old, referred to anyone over 20.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
It was magic when dad would “remove” his thumb.
It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn’t an Olympic event.
Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the “big people” rides at the amusement park.
Abilities were discovered because of a “double-dog-dare.”
Saturday morning cartoons weren’t 30-minute ads for action figures.
“Oly-oly-oxen-free” made perfect sense.
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
War was just a card game.
Running naked through the sprinklers on a hot day.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Being something of an internet rat I’ve been watching a host of websites recently. The ones I’d like to discuss today are the endless groups of young and attractive millennial women who spend most of their time whining about men. They claim men are no longer interested in marrying them which is sad but once you hear what they have to say you’ll have the answer as to why. They want a tall, handsome man who earns at least a $100,000.00 a year, has a nice car, and who will spend his entire existence kissing their asses. When asked what they bring to the table the most frequent answer is “he’s getting me”. They offer nothing that would convince any man to put his entire life at risk. Since statistics reveal that most marriage breakups are initiated by the women, I say “why are they so surprised?” These women have had at least three generations of feminists telling them that men are worthless and untrustworthy. It seems they’re looking for a free ride and offer very little in return. As everyone knows, a pretty face and nice body will only get you so far. With all of that being said, here are a number of quotes from a few feminists who spewed their propaganda for decades and now these millennial women are paying the price.
“Women are oppressed as women, Blacks as Blacks, Jews as Jews. But men are never oppressed.” Marilyn Frye
Man inflicts injury upon woman, unspeakable injury in placing her intellectual and moral nature in the background, and woman injures herself by submitting to be regarded only as a female.” Abby H. Price
“I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid” Dorothy Parker
“Sometimes I think if there was a third sex men wouldn’t get so much as a glance from me.” Amanda Vail
“Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry” Gloria Steinem
“When he is late for dinner, and I know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the street. I always hope he’s dead.” Judith Viorst
There is, of course, no reason for the existence of the male sex except that one sometimes needs help moving the piano. Rebecca West”
“Most women set out to try and change a man, and when they have changed him, they do not like him.” Marlene Dietrich
“Men are monopolists of “stars, garters, buttons and other shining baubles” – unfit to be the guardians of another person’s happiness.” Maryanne Moore
“All men are rapists and that’s all they are. They rape us with their eyes, their laws, and their codes.” Marilyn French
Now that the new year has begun and the obligatory resolutions have been posted, I thought it would be nice to return to one of the mainstays of this blog, LIMERICKS! I have a large and varied collection but today I’ll be reaching way back to 1979 for some inspiration. I hope you enjoy them.
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