After admitting in my last post that I had an addictive personality got me to thinking. I thought I knew myself pretty well when I was able to admit that I was also claustrophobic. One phobia isn’t all that bad or so I thought. I decided to dig into the Everyuselessthing archives to learn more about phobias. I’m not sure that was such a great idea. I discovered a list of phobias that aren’t commonly known and I think I may suffer from a few more than previously thought. Here are a few examples:
Arachibutyrophobia – fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
Automatonophobia – fear of ventriloquists’ dummies.
Coulrophobia – fear of clowns.
Geniophobia – fear of chins.
Phobophobia – fear of fear.
Pteronophobia – fear of being tickled by feathers.
Rupophobia – fear of dirt.
I’ll only admit to having two additional phobias from that list and there isn’t a chance in hell I’ll tell you what they are. As I finished denigrating myself for all of my stupid phobias I received an email from a friend in KC. He’s a senior + senior citizen who’s been an internet rat since it’s inception. It was a ‘Hi, How are you?’ message ending with AMBW. I answered him quickly because I had no freaking clue what that meant. I know LOL, WTF, and a few others but never really felt the need to learn more. His AMBW means All My Best Wishes. There seem to be so many of these in use I decided to find a few more. These were a small sampling of texting acronyms I’m sure I’ll use only sporadically.
A3 – Anytime, Anywhere, Anyplace.
AFAIR – As Far As I an Remember.
ASAFP – As Soon As F**king Possible.
OMFG – Oh My F**king God.
AAI – Allah Already Informed
BITCH – Babe In Total Control of Herself
CFI – Complete F**king Idiot
CRST – Can’t Remember Sh*t
If any of you ever decide to send me a text or email containing these sort of acronyms please include detailed explanations as well. Life’s way too short for me to waste my time trying to figure them out.
One last bit of amusement to entertainment you. Years ago I was a police officer for the state of Pennsylvania. Early in my career I was in the patrol unit and spent a great deal of time investigating accidents, both trivial and serious. I thought I’d heard all the stupid reasons people offer up to explain their accidents but these samples taken from actual insurance reports were new even to me.
“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced over at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.”
“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”
“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve several times before I hit him.”
“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.”
“The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.”
“As I approached the intersection a sign appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.”
“I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.”
You just can’t make this stuff up. Most of these were way better than the stories I was told but just as funny. I think I’ve had enough of this for today. I have errands to run, pictures to take, coffee to drink, and people to watch.
ENJOY THIS DAY, I KNOW I WILL.
I’m one of those boring people who feels the need to constantly examine my life. I look at my past and judge myself, I look at my present and judge myself, and finally I look at my possible futures and judge that too. Also if I’m given the opportunity I’ll judge you as well. So not only am I a borderline addictive personality I’m a bit judgmental.
I’ve always suspected I had issues with addiction but never tried to delve into the why’s and wherefores until now. My list of addictions is long and began back when I was just an newborn infant. Here’s my list from my formative years in no particular order of importance:
Breathing
Breasts
Breast milk
Diapers
I was able to finally work through those minor addictions without the assistance of an expensive rehab program. I was well on my way to puberty where my list began to grow and become more interesting.
Breasts
Legs
Butts
Pornography
Sex
Puberty not only changed me physically but also intellectually. I understood at age thirteen that these addictions unlike my toddler list would likely become permanent. And guess what? I was somewhat correct. I resigned myself to learning to live with my addictions and to make the best of them. It was a dirty job but I stepped up and made the required personality adjustments to deal with them.
My teen years were interesting and a little frightening. My list again changed but was still manageable:
Sex
Breasts
Legs
French Blondes
Cigarettes
Beer
Pornography
College brought more changes and not all of them good. As the list increased so did my stress levels as you can plainly see:
Sex
Oral Sex
Brunettes
Blondes
Red Heads
Breasts
Beer
Whiskey
Marijuana
Wine
I learned a lot in those years but realized my life was in a rut so I dropped out of college and enlisted in the Army one step ahead of the draft board. This began another long, interesting, and scary adventure. Once more my list expanded a bit:
Sex
Oral sex
Oriental Women
Black Hair
Whiskey
Coffee
Cigarettes
Beer
Marijuana
Speed
Adrenaline
Wine
I returned home a few years later, much wiser and a much less addicted person. I was able to rid myself of many of my stupid addictions over the next two decades. Here are the final results after many years of really hard work:
Any Sex
Breasts
Coffee
Reading
Photography
Computers
Chocolate
Wine
Exercise
As you can see most of the exciting addictions in my life have slowly faded away. They were fun while they lasted but were discarded when they became dangerous or harmful. I’m now a much wiser and more boring person and I have to admit as I sit here quietly judging myself, I miss some of them a lot.
My list is certainly smaller but less dangerous and easily managed now. I expect this final list will remain with me forever.
The only addiction that stayed with me from infancy to the present day are “Breasts”. There’s no rehab programs to help me deal with them and I’m pretty happy about that. So thanks again Mom for the one lifelong addiction I’ve enjoyed the most and will continue to enjoy until the lid slams shut. I’d love to see the 12 step program for that addiction.
I know one thing for sure, I’d never miss a meeting.
Today feels exceptionally uninteresting. It’s a little blah, a little gray, and a little cold which means I’m suffering from a total lack of interest. I was just advised by my better-half that I’d be spending the better part of this day being dragged along on her shopping safari. Thank God I recharged my Kindle last night so I’m now good to go. That means I get to sit in the car and read while she shops.
If I use my head and offer up a little charm I might just convince her to buy me some sort of breakfast. I have a serious need for bacon and I need it right now. I swear it’s a worse addiction than cigarettes or coffee. It’s maybe the only thing that keeps these shopping forays bearable for me.
This blog needs a bit of a breather from stories about my life and times. Today I’ll supply the world with a few really useless but possibly interesting tidbits of information. It’s been a while since I’ve dished out a dose of these factoids and today’s the day. Here we go . . .
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The average American two-car garage is 25 percent bigger than the average Tokyo home.
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The European Union exports more to Switzerland than to China.
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During the first year of the Nazi invasion of the Soviet Union, the Red Army issued 800,000 death sentences to it’s own soldiers.
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The first year in which there was no recorded lynching of a black American was 1952.
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There were 658 suicide bombings around the world in 2007 – more than double the number in any of the previous twenty-five years. Afghanistan and Iraq were responsible for 542 of them.
I didn’t say that all of the factoids would be funny or uplifting because life on this planet leaves a lot to be desired at times.
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In 1976, the United States had 30 percent of the world’s college students. By 2006, that had dropped to 14 percent.
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Intel employees collectively send or read 3 million emails a day.
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The Mafia accounts for 7 percent of the Italian GDP, more than any single business.
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There are as many fake doctors practicing in India as real ones.
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The average male orgasm lasts eight seconds, the average female orgasm twenty seconds.
I guess that last one explains a lot of things. Women not only orgasm longer but get to have multiples as well. That’s just unfair.
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In the United States, adult bookshops outnumber McDonald’s restaurants three to one.
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Napoleon often masturbated before going into battle.
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Red Bull is illegal in Norway, Denmark, and Ireland.
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In 2007, twenty-four people killed themselves jumping under Paris Metro trains. On the New York City Subway the figure was twenty-six, and on the London Underground fifty.
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Men produce twice as much saliva as women.
I think that’s enough for today. I wouldn’t want you to overdose on all this useless stuff. It’s Sunday, watch some football, drink a beer or two, eat some nacho’s and belch like you have a pair. That’s what I call “a day of rest”.
HAPPY SUNDAY
This is the second chapter of our visit with my better-half’s family members as we made our way through the streets of Portland, Maine. For this late in the year this Sunday was absolutely perfect. Sunny and warm with lots of people on the streets enjoying what remains of our Indian Summer. I wore my comfortable shoes in preparation for hours of walking and shopping with the ladies. It was all of that and more.
Portland offers a crazy selection of coffee shops, galleries, and gift shops and it felt like we visited all of them. The women shopped and we men were dragged kicking and screaming through the streets waiting desperately for food and drink, and even a cigars for one of us.
We were in and out of so many different shops and I’m not kidding when I say we could have purchased damn near anything. Look at these little gems we found displayed on the sidewalk and before you make any comments, I didn’t buy any.
‘For shopper’s who need a little weirdness in their lives.’
Our final stop was at our favorite tavern, Three Dollar Dewey’s, for a healthy four course meal of Gin, popcorn, nacho’s, french fries, and a delicious piece of strawberry shortcake.
We had our fill of food and drink and returned to the car feeling fat and sassy. It was a short ride home where we could kick back and relax a little more. The visitors needed a good nights sleep before their departure the next morning as they headed south for Rhode Island.
WE CONTINUE TO ENJOY THIS INDIAN SUMMER
Well for the first time in over a year I missed a day I had scheduled for blogging. I’m as surprised as you are but that old adage of “sh*t happens” happened. I normally post on one day then workout the next and so on and so forth. I became a bit confused and distracted and lost track of the days when our out-of-town visitors were here. It wasn’t until after they left that I realized my error. So enough of that, let me get on with things.
We had such a good time with our visitor’s I’m not sure where to begin. We spent one afternoon in Kennebunkport doing some shopping and having dinner at Federal Jack’s restaurant. A couple bowls of clam chowder and a plate of fried clams were followed by massive platters of fish and chips. Wash that all down with a couple of incredibly excellent Goat Island Light beers and your good to go. So we went.
‘The best fried clams ever.’
The tourists have all fled southern Maine leaving the towns somewhat deserted as reflected by these photo’s:
‘In season.’
‘Off season.’
Federal Jacks just happens to be located directly above the original Shipyard brewery. Of course it’s mandatory with my better-half to complete any trip to Kennebunkport with a stop there too. It’s her own private Hajj.
A fun time was had by all. The food was delicious and the beer cold and refreshing. We took a slow leisurely ride home through Kennebunk where the streets were clogged with parents and costumed children enjoying their Halloween night festivities. We arrived home safely and enjoyed a good night’s sleep.
My next post will be day #2 of their visit where we spent a good part of that day playing tourist in the city of Portland.
We’re in the midst of one beautiful Indian Summer and we all hope it lasts all the way to Thanksgiving.
Say goodbye to October everyone. This last month has just flown by and once again ended with no Halloween trick or treaters at our house. Depending on how you look at it, it could be both a good thing and a bad thing. Being in a rural area with very few toddlers around, we’re usually safe from pranksters and vandals and that’s a good thing. The bad thing is for my better-half who prays for costumed kids to show up in great numbers. These days she’s forced to pour all of her Halloween craziness on her grandchildren and she does . . . in spades.
Our out-of-town visitors arrived yesterday afternoon, intact and tired after an eight hour drive through NJ, NY, CT, MA, NH, and finally Maine. With this recent burst of warm weather we decided to do a little grilling on the deck. It’s likely to be the final time we’ll be using the grill this year and next week it will be winterized and stored away. Here’s a quick shot of the kabobs just before hitting the grill. They were yummy.
If that does make your mouth water just a little you may have a serious problem. The food was excellent and gave everyone a chance to sit back and relax and catch up a little.
I’m up early this morning and enjoying a cup of strong and hot coffee. I fed the cat and he apparently enjoyed his breakfast because he just strutted into the man-cave looking for a comfortable place to plop. After all he desperately needs that 18 hours of beauty sleep every day. I’ll give him about ten minutes and he’ll be out cold for a few hours. If you haven’t figured things out just yet, he’s also retired.
‘A big fat lazy cat.’
I hear people waking up in the house and if I know my better-half there’ll be quiche in my future within the hour. More hot coffee, some crispy bacon and if I’m sneaky enough I might snatch one of the last two chocolate éclairs leftover from last night. Who says life isn’t awesome some times.
Today will include a visit to see the grandkids and possibly some shopping. I hope the weather clears a little so I can get a few good shots of the group.
MORE LATER
I always try to plan ahead for ideas for this blog but today I’m having a difficult time concentrating. I’m a lover of all new technology and make it a point to stay up to speed with new software and hardware as it comes available. Today is one of those days that computer junkies fear the most. No working internet connection.
We had a moderately heavy rainstorm last night and things were fine when I crashed into bed at 1 am. I awoke this morning and my internet connection is dead. While my in-house network is still functioning thanks to a battery backup unit, good old Time Warner’s internet feed is missing in action. Unfortunately our house is located in a semi-dead spot for internet, GPS, and telephone reception. I have range extenders for damn near everything but they also run in conjunction with the internet.
In order for me to make or receive calls today I’ll be forced to drive a few hundred yards up a nearby hill near the house to get just two bars. My alarm system is sending me text messages on the phone (3G) telling me the system is off. Damn, tell me something I don’t know.
In the past the system usually comes back on-line very quickly but not today. It’s been four hours already and still nothing. And of course their telephone lines are busy, busy, busy.
Let’s kill some time today while I wait for the internet to return by revisiting some things I truly enjoy and that’s limericks. I’ve collected many, written a few, and they always seem to lean to the naughtier side of things. Some of the best I’ve ever seen have come from Great Britain because they’ve been writing them for centuries and have some of the naughtiest and funniest. I’ll try to keep todays collection naughty but nice and I’ll skip the x-rated stuff for now. Here’s five of my fav’s.
#1
With a maiden a chap just begat
Bouncing triplets named Pat, Nat, and Tat;
Twas fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding;
As there wasn’t a spare tit for Tat.
#2
There once was a young lady named Hilda
Who went out with a top body-builder;
He said that he should,
That he could and he would,
And he did and it damn near killed her.
#3
A notorious harlot named Hearst
In the pleasures of men is well-versed;
Reads the sign at the head
Of her well rumpled bed;
“The customer always comes first”.
#4
There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose tool was incredibly bent;
To save himself trouble,
He put it in double,
And, instead of coming he went!
#5
As the elevator car left our floor,
Poor old Sue caught her boobs in the door;
She yelled a great deal,
But had they been real,
She’d have bellowed considerably more.
***
‘And one from an anonymous kid.’
Hopefully some time today I can get these posted but I’m at the mercy of the Time Warner road crews. Here’s one of my own limericks I wrote after living in Maine for more than ten years. No names have been used to protect the somewhat innocent.
There once was a young lady from Maine
Who ruined her dress with a stain.
She thought she was clever,
But her mother knew better,
And asked “What the hell is his name”.
It’s now been eight hours without the internet and it just came back on. “Better late than never.” should be scrawled somewhere on Time Warner’s Logo.
ENJOY YOUR DAY
The last days of Fall are approaching with the leaves losing their vivid colors and one bone chilling night after another. We’re slowly running out of those nice bright and sunny Indian Summer days. There really isn’t all that much upside to Winter that I can find. Fortunately this state is filled with thousands of people who live to romp in the snow, go snowmobiling, skiing, and skating on the lakes. It’s some sort of an awful winter inspired insanity.
I didn’t include that small percentage of Mainers who claim to be ice fishermen. I see those little shacks popping up on almost every lake and have heard for years all of the fishing stories from their occupants. It’s more about getting out of the house, hiding from the wife, and drinking an adequate amount of alcoholic beverages that help make the fish seem even bigger for their stories.
Yesterday required a road trip through the northern part of the county near the town of Naples located along the shore of Sebago lake. It was our one last chance to capture as many of those foliage pictures everyone seems to love so much.
Here’s a shot taken of Sebago lake with the foothills of the White Mountains in the background. Just looking at the coldness of the photo gives me the shivers.
I’ll certainly enjoy looking at these photos in a month or so when everything is frozen solid and covered with snow and ice. Then I can begin my constant complaining about Winter and endless whining for warmer weather. I guess I one of those folks who just loves bitching and complaining about Winter.
I’ve been accused on any number of occasions by any number of people of being impatient. Not just a little impatient but brutally so. Over the years it’s become less of a problem but in my younger days it was truly a bitch to deal with me. I wished on many occasions that I could loosen up enough to keep myself from going a little bonkers but it was difficult.
I was reasonably successful in most of my career endeavors and while impatience kept me focused and motivated it tended to irritate and annoy many others. Procrastination in others was my second biggest complaint and those that reported directly to me paid a price if they were so inclined. I have no regrets about those years to be sure but even today procrastination makes me a wee bit crazy.
Over the years my impatience has prompted many posting on multiple blogs concerning the over use of advertisements on TV and just about everywhere else. It made most forms of entertainment difficult for me to watch because of all of those annoying interruptions and distractions. Then my prayers were finally answered . . . . . . Netflix.
Watching television or movies and having total control is something that takes a little getting used to. No more sitting and waiting for shows to begin, no constant interruptions with stupid ads, and the ability to pause the show and return at my convenience. It’s freaking awesome. I also subscribe to Amazon which is very similar to Netflix in some ways and is money well spent in my opinion.
Unfortunately I use the ROKU service to connect my televisions to the Internet and most of their extra services and channels are filled with ads causing me not to often use them. ROKU provides an excellent gateway for streaming but paying them additional fees for programming and movies over and above the cost of their devices remains annoying. My ever present impatience with anyone who insists on trying to remove money from my wallet keeps me looking for better alternatives every day.
Being free from the clutches of cable TV now makes changing companies very easy too. No more contracts, everything is month-to-month, and more vendor possibilities are being created almost weekly. If a company is dumb enough not to cater to their customers then I will move on to someone who does. For a change we the consumers finally have a modicum of control over our costs and time like never before.
Hooray for us!
The warm days are becoming a rarity already and in Maine when there’s sunshine and warmer temperatures you get the hell out of the house and enjoy them. Once the snow starts to fly around here you can be sure that for the next five months it’s multi-layer clothing, boots, parkas, hats, ear muffs, and gloves.
My better-half and I decided to try a little spontaneity yesterday when we rolled out of bed and saw the sun shining and the temperatures in the high fifties. As we cruised around looking for a decent cup of coffee I made the decision to spend the remainder of the day in the city of Portland. Portland is a great place to walk around, kill some time, and people watch. Parking always seems to be an issue whether it’s tourists in the Summer or huge piles of plowed snow in the Winter. We rode up and down Commercial street looking for a parking spot and got lucky rather quickly.
As we were entering the city and driving along the waterfront we saw in the distance three huge cruise ships that had stopped in Portland for a visit. They’re a blessing for the local economy but always clog the city with tourists and street vendors.
We worked our way down Commercial street to the Dry Dock restaurant. It’s become one of our favorite spots to relax, have a drink, and some good food. I normally go straight to the menu looking for sea food but not today. I had a bowl of hearty chicken and rice soup that was to die for along with a smoked turkey and cheddar sandwich. I’m a real bread lover and that sandwich was made with an incredibly fresh rye bread baked earlier in the day.
We finished our meal and visited a few other businesses along the street so the better-half could deal with her shopping addiction. We stopped at Mexicali Blues for some incense and a sari that the better-half plans on converting to some sort of window treatment for the kitchen.
It was also required by my better-half that we make a stop at the beer drinkers Mecca, The Craft Beer Cellar. More beer varieties that I could ever imagine but since I don’t drink beer I spent my time looking through the mead selections. I settled on a locally brewed honey mead that was a little pricey but worth it. It’ll be a nice addition for us to enjoy with our Christmas dinner. The better-half spent alm0ost 30 minutes talking beer with the proprietor and finally settled on some sort of double IPA that I never heard of.
Then it was a quick ride back to our house with enough sunshine left in the day for me and the cat to spend a comfy hour on the deck. We’re getting very close to the time of the year when the sun will only shine occasionally so we have to enjoy it when we can.
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