Doing a journal entry today is what I hope will be the beginning of a lazy day. My better-half is gone until Monday to see her parents in Delaware and to spend a little quality time with her sister in Maryland. She’s on a short four day vacation but guess what, it’s also a vacation for me and the cat.
The cat doesn’t say much but I know he’s been enjoying himself a great deal. He finally has total control and ownership of her half of the bed and is making the most of it. He’s not all that big but if he sprawls out he can cover a pretty large area. He hasn’t left the bed for more than a few minutes since she departed and I’m sure I can anticipate an interesting evening on Monday when she returns. Since the cat can be almost as stubborn as my better-half it should be quite a show.
I was able to get a lot of tasks completed yesterday and spent a few hours running from store to store. Shopping is always a chore because I find myself more interested in people watching than roaming mindlessly around looking for deals. I avoided Walmart completely because people watching there is no longer a challenge. Weirdo’s, freaks, and oddballs as far as the eye can see and that’s just the employees.
I visited another local establishment to look for a few used books and possibly a movie or two. I picked up a copy of Steven Spielberg’s Artificial Intelligence. It was a little cheaper than I thought it should be which usually means that it sucks and unfortunately it did. After watching it last night I discovered that even the great Spielberg can drop the ball every so often. I dearly love science-fiction but this move was a real stinker. Lesson learned, buy no movies from that store that are priced less than four dollars.
My dieting continues and I’m into my third month. My bodies adjusted to both the changes in my diet as well as the ever increasingly difficult exercise program. The workouts have become a normal part of my weeks activities and I’m finally comfortable with them. I’m down twenty-five pounds and going strong. I hit a plateau that lasted for almost a week where my weight refused to budge but after adjusting the workout routine I finally broke through it. It was frustrating as hell to be working so hard and seeing no results. At that time I was exercising twice a day, seven days a week. I cut back to one session a day, five days a week, and almost instantly began to lose weight again. The more weight I lose the harder it’s becoming but I just have to persevere and stay mentally strong. I’m more than half-way to my goal and that keeps me going.
As I mentioned, today is a down day for me. Nothing too strenuous, no exercising, and no errand running or shopping. I plan on watching a little TV and reading a lot. The Maine weather has gotten considerably colder in the last week so staying in and enjoying the quiet time is the perfect thing to do. Nothing is better than a hot coffee, a good book, and a lot of peace and quiet.
This is my 364th straight day of posting without either graphics or catchy headlines to grab your attention. My goal of one complete year without missing a day will be completed tomorrow. Hooray for me. I’ll be starting the second year of this blog with a fresh outlook, a clear head, catchy headlines, and all the photo’s necessary to keep it interesting.
It’s time for all of you sports experts out there to find out how well or how badly you’ve done? Here are the promised answers that I intend to memorize for my own uses in our local tavern’s weekly trivia contest. One of these days these factoids will finally pay off and win me a beer or two or three.
* * *
1. The referee’s yellow flag. Taylor said he felt he deserved it because the ref’s “ threw it against me” often enough.
2. Tennis, at the 1900 games in Paris. Charlotte Cooper of Great Britain was the first gold medalist.
3. New York Giant knuckleballer week Hoyt Wilhelm, in 1952.
4. Jim Thorpe, in 1970. He did it a second time in 1919. Deion Sanders was the second athlete to accomplish the feat 70 years later, in 1989.
5. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar with 4657. Other career records he holds include number of minutes played (57,446), points scored (38,387), and field goals scored (15,837). He played from 1969 to 1989.
6. O.J. Simpson, who racked up 2003 yards for Buffalo in 1973, breaking the previous record of 1863 yards set 10 years earlier by Jim Brown.
7. Five.
8. The red brick tenement that was his boyhood home once stood on the site of second base at Cincinnati’s Riverfront Stadium.
9. Rookie Willie Mays.
10. “Little Warrior”. O’Neal is 7’1" tall.
* * *
Here’s the obligatory joke of the day. Those of us who are historically Microsoft customers will really appreciate this.
* * *
Microsoft vs. General Motors
A few years ago at a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
-
For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
-
Every time they repaint the lines in the road, you’ll have to buy a new car.
-
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
-
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
-
Apple Inc. will make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.
-
The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
-
The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
-
Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
-
Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You’d have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
* * *
And finally for those of you that love limericks and beer, here’s a rather tame one proving once and for all that it’s possible for limericks to be funny without being too filthy.
There once was a girl named Ann Heuser,
Who swore that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found a Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
I think it’s a good day for another trivia quiz with questions about something of which I’m not all that familiar. As I’ve said many times before I’m not a huge sports fan but I do know that many of the readers of this blog are. With that in mind here are 10 fairly difficult sports trivia questions which should challenge even the best sports trivia fanatics.
As always I’ll list the correct answers tomorrow and you can see just how good you really are. I scored a big fat zero on this one. I hope you sports people can at least do better than that. Have fun.
* * *
1. What souvenir did New York Giant linebacker Lawrence Taylor request from a referee after he played his last game in January 1994?
2. What was the first sport in which women were invited to compete at the Olympics?
3. What Baseball Hall of Fame pitcher hit a home run in his first major league at-bat and never hit another?
4. Who was the first athlete to hit a major league home run and make a professional football touchdown in the same week?
5. What basketball player racked up the greatest number of personal fouls during his professional career?
6. Who was the first professional football player to run for more than 2000 yards in a season?
7. How many baseball gloves can be made from one cow?
8. Why did the Cincinnati Reds baseball team send an autographed second-base bag to cowboy movie star Roy Rogers?
9. Who was scheduled to be the next batter when Bobby Thomson hit his famous home run in the 1951 National League playoffs, winning the pennant for the New York Giants?
10. What is the meaning of basketball great Shaquille Rashaun O’Neal’s given Islamic name?
* * *
As you can see I wasn’t kidding, they are tough questions. Check back tomorrow.
Are you superstitious? Do you believe that by doing something in particular bad things could happen. Or maybe even good things? It seems that in every community, state, and country there are hundreds of these ridiculous superstitions passed down from generation to generation. "Step on a crack and break your mother’s back" was one of the ones I specifically remember from my childhood. It had been jumping over and walking around sidewalk cracks for years and I’m still not sure why.
Like I didn’t have other things to worry about at that age. My concerns at that time were how to meet girls, how to get a date, acne, and will I play well in the big game tomorrow. Instead I was worried about walking under ladders, seeing black cats or breaking a mirror. Why? No one seems to know why we’re loaded up with all this nonsense at such an early age by both family and friends who are supposed to care about us. It’s just crazy.
I’m going to supply you with a short list of some of the good old standby’s and then a second shorter list of some odd ones from around the world.
-
Two people breaking a wishbone is said to lead to good luck for the person with the larger piece.
-
Opening an umbrella indoors is said to result in 21 days of bad luck. Some traditions hold that it is only bad luck if the umbrella is placed over the head of someone while indoors.
-
If one walks underneath an open ladder it is said to bring bad luck. Sometimes it is said that this can be undone by immediately walking backwards back underneath the ladder.
-
Breaking a mirror is said to bring bad luck for 7 years. To "undo" this, take the shards of glass and bury them underneath the moonlight. In ancient times, the mirror was said to be a window to the viewer’s soul.
-
The superstitious symbolism of a black cat crossing one’s path is dependent upon culture: some cultures consider this a sign of impending bad luck, while some cultures consider this a sign of impending good luck.
-
Once a wedding ring has been placed on the finger, it is considered bad luck to remove it.
-
At times, a horseshoe may be found above doorways. When positioned like a regular ‘U’ it supposedly collects luck. However, when it is positioned like an upside-down ‘U’ the luck supposedly drains.
-
Many believe that if all of the candles on a birthday cake are blown out with one breath, while making a silent wish, the wish will come true.
-
When you speak of bad luck, it is said that one should always knock on wood. Also knocking when speaking of good luck apparently helps with having good luck. This is an old Celtic tradition related to belief of wood spirits.
-
If you catch a falling leaf on the first day of autumn you will not catch a cold all winter.
-
It’s bad luck to leave a house through a different door than the one used to come in.
-
An acorn should be carried to bring luck and ensure a long life.
-
Pirates around the world believed that piercing the ears with such precious metals as silver and gold improved one’s eyesight.
Amber beads, worn as a necklace, can protect against illness or cure colds.
-
There are numerous sailors’ superstitions, such as: it is considered bad luck for a ship to set sail on a Friday, to bring anything blue aboard, to stick a knife into the deck, to leave a hatch cover upside-down, to say "pig", or to eat walnuts aboard, and to sail with a woman on board.
-
In Russia it is believed that before traveling a person should, apparently, sit on their luggage.
-
In Sweden it is believed that if you collect seven or nine different flowers on midsummer eve and place them under your pillow, you will dream of your future spouse.
-
It is bad luck in Great Britain to put new shoes on a bed or a table (this comes from the tradition of dressing a corpse in new clothes and shoes and laying them out so everyone can give their respects).
-
Placing keys on a table in Sweden is considered unlucky.
-
Placing a hat on the bed is, apparently, bad luck in certain European countries.
-
In some parts of England, rum is used to wash a baby’s head for good luck.
-
According to an age old custom, carrying a dead shrew in your pocket wards off rheumatism.
Just to be on the safe side you should write these all down and take time to memorize them. Then when the time is right pass them on to your children and grandchildren. It’s only fair that we do our part in keeping these really stupid traditions alive.
Someday when you have a free moment take a seat near a sidewalk and relax with a hot cup of coffee. Then watch the passers-by and see how many refuse to step on the sidewalk cracks. You’ll be amazed.
I’ve spent most of my adult life working with an odd assortment of people. I was an investigator in the Army which required me to interrogate people who spoke little or no English through an interpreter. A difficult task at best since many times the interpreter only knew enough English to get by. Years later as a police officer I was introduced to a host of criminal types, drug users, child abusers, and perverts. The first and most important thing during those interviews and interrogations required a reasonable knowledge of the subjects motivations and state of mind. For the most part it was an interesting and emotionally draining experience.
I had an excellent rate of success in my endeavors because I was able to develop a quick rapport with my subjects in a very short period of time. This remained the case through more than ten thousand interviews conducted in the years just prior to my retirement. I felt I had the ability to interrogate, interview, and understand anyone regardless of the situation. I was flexible enough to adapt to their way of thinking, find the problem, and fix it with a minimum of effort. Was I over confident? I didn’t think so at the time but I do now.
I finally met my match recently when I was dropped into a situation that befuddled me. I had little or no experience with young children and when my step-grandson was born my education in dealing with people took a strange turn. He communicates with his world of adults during this first year without language. He uses hand gestures and a collection of facial expressions to get his messages across which continue to puzzle most of us. He’s within a month or two from actually speaking understandable words and he’s currently babbling a constant stream of unintelligible nonsense. It appears to make some sort of sense to him but leaves us adults dazed and confused.
My best chance of understanding him will occur once he decides to start saying something I can understand. I decided to do a little more research into the mind set of a very young person who has no apparent life experience to draw from. How tough can it be I asked? Where do I start? I found the following article while surfing the Net and as soon as I read it I knew it held the answers I’d been looking for. A simple and brief list of how the mind of a very young child is motivated and feels about the things and people around them. The list is funny but without a doubt as close to the truth as I could find. See what you think.
1. If I like it, it’s mine.
2. If it’s in my hand, it’s mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I’m doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks like mine, it’s mine.
8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it
automatically becomes mine.
10. If it’s broken, it’s yours.
I’m going to post a copy of this list on my frig and read it as many times as necessary each and every time the little guy pisses me off or does something inappropriate. This list explains everything in a way even I can understand. Be patient, no screaming or yelling, and no punishing for things he doesn’t yet understand. Just stand back and gently guide him in the direction we want him to go. They’ll be plenty of time later for guidance and instructions once he can talk and reply. Being able to speak and ask questions will make things so much easier for us both (I hope).
Being the first born grandchild in a family is a nice place to find yourself. I was the first born grandchild in my family and I milked it for all it was worth with my grandparents. I’m about to experience the whole thing again but from the opposite perspective. It should be interesting.
Why are farts and farting so funny? I don’t have the answer to that either but you have to admit the subject is always hilarious and 99% of the population would agree. As I’ve traveled around I’ve become attuned over time to those particular body movements when one is on the way and the ever so unusual sounds used in attempts to disguise those SBD’s (Silent But Deadly).
Yesterday was a good example. I stopped by a local Target store to pickup a few items. The place was crowded with the normal assortment of customers all roaming around doing shopping stuff. I was walking through the Kitchen Department minding my own business when I walked into a cloud of what can only be called toxic fumes. About five steps away from me was the only other occupant of the aisle and the obvious depositor of that nasty gas cloud. She refused to look at me and stood quietly staring at her shoes. If she thought playing possum was going to work she had another think coming. I slowly edged toward her as I was pretending to peruse the items on the shelf hoping to pull the cloud along with me. Of course I was holding my breath the entire time. She waited until I was very close and then glanced my way and smiled a cutesy little grin. She then squirmed a little which should have been a red flag for me and quickly walked away. I took one additional step and got nailed by another fart cloud that was so bad my eyes began watering and making it impossible to see for a few seconds. The perp had disappeared in that cloud of noxious fumes after her successful double ambush. She was one of those perverted types who love to stick around to watch their victims suffer. For someone so young she was a real pro.
My father would have been so proud of her. He was a master of filling an aisle with a nasty fart and then walking away. His farts had a "hang time" of five or six minutes which I’ve never been able to duplicate. He would stand in the next aisle and get off listening to the people gag and curse as they were enveloped. He never felt the need to stick around and see his results in person.
I felt a little violated and somewhat disgusted by her cowardly act of fart terrorism. I decided to do the normal and well thought out thing, revenge. It was time to locate and identify another unsuspecting victim and pass it on.
You need to remember that for the last two months I’ve been strictly following a diet which requires that I eat tons of vegetables. I’ve become a stinky, nasty, and disgusting fart machine. I no longer have total control of my farting and seem to be farting non-stop most of the time. I walked into the Cosmetic Department and settled in to lay my trap. An older woman and her two young daughters made the mistake of cruising through the danger zone. I laid down a path of cucumber and onion gas that was so bad I had to leave immediately. I stood nearby and waited and discovered that Mom had some mouth on her. She was gagging and cursing loudly and the two girls immediately fled the scene. They wanted that to avoid the gas cloud and also the embarrassment of their Mommy’s trash mouth. I freaking loved it.
You have to admit, that was damn funny. I know my later father is up there in heaven (maybe) and laughing his ass off. He was always big on upholding family traditions and would be happy as hell to see that I’m still carrying on one of his favorites. Now for a funny fart joke and I’m done for today.
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I’ve got the farts. I mean I fart all the time."
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can’t hear them. It’s just that I fart all the time. Look, we’ve been talking here for about 10 minutes and I’ve farted five times. You didn’t hear them and you don’t smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor.
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
One last tidbit of a few new fart euphemisms I stumbled upon:
Mud Duck
Trouser Cough
Crack Splitters
Turd Tooties
Anal Audio
Great Brown Cloud
Have a wonderful day and be careful out there. You’ll never know which aisle will be “The One” until it’s too late.
I consider myself a reasonable person with enough life experience to speak on any number of subjects. I’m like a of lot of you out there, I think I ‘m a freaking philosopher as well. The only difference is that most of the time I keep my philosophic thoughts to myself unless asked. I really dislike people who feel the need to preach at me without prompting on their thoughts on every little thing. They love explaining in great detail how to date, who to marry, how to raise children, how to eat properly, and on and on and on. Those people like nothing better than to "beat my ear" with what they think is the final word on everything. My first thought is to tell them to shut up and go away but being that frank with people these days is frowned upon. Decades of politically correct indoctrination has created this know-it-all condition in far too many people.
I can shovel out the blarney with the best of them but I realize that being an annoying prick is not on my bucket list. I’ll be the first person to admit if I need help or advice and I’ll ask for it. While I don’t like asking there are times when I must. You just have to remember that by the simple fact of asking you put yourself in the line of fire for way more information that you’ll ever need or want. It’s just the nature of the beast but it does requires that you stand there and listen to their advice no matter how stupid or inane it may be. So, rule number one: Only ask for advice as a last resort and be absolutely sure you’re asking the right person. You might be better off making a mistake than opening yourself up to the thoughts of a person whose own life experience is somewhat limited.
I’m open to the philosophy of others but prefer to read it rather than listen to it. Over the years I’ve collected different thoughts, statements and quotations, both humorous and serious, that I thought were interesting. Today I’ll pass along some of them to you. You have the option of reading them or not, it’s your choice. I’m making these tidbits available as a service that requires no additional conversation with me whatsoever.
-
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
-
Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
-
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
-
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
-
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
-
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
-
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
-
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
-
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
I hope these little pearls of wisdom will aid you in your search for answers to all those questions we struggle with. Some are funny but none the less true.
I’ve spent the last year being educated by my better-half’s daughter’s pregnancy and subsequent child birth. It was quite a project from start to finish and the costs for one child being born seem to be skyrocketing each year. Hospital costs, pre and post natal costs, home improvement costs (nursery setup), and of course the never ending supply of baby food, clothing, and diapers. It’s an easy matter to drop a couple of grand to outfit the child with a bassinette, crib, high chair, walker, and the unending need for more and more toys. I haven’t tallied up a grand total because it would be more than a little scary and really depressing.
With regular visits anticipated from the kid we were also required to double up on some the necessary equipment for our home just to make life easier on all concerned. We now have a crib and enough toys to outfit a small orphanage at our place which I have the painful pleasure of tripping over if I’m not careful. I won’t even get into the costs for car seats which are just ridiculous. Have you gotten my point yet? It’s a freaking expensive proposition.
I happened upon an interesting article that might help put things into perspective. The following list was contained in an 1857 Manual of Domestic Economy and its quite a bit different than our modern day list of required goodies for newborns. Have a look.
* * *
1. A low chair, with or without rockers.
2. A footstool.
3. Two thick flannel aprons.
4. One large washing basin.
5. One soap-dish and soap (best yellow or white curd).
6. One small enamel saucepan.
7. One semi-porcelain pipkin (a small earthen pot) and lamp.
8. One pap-boat (silver or crockery).
9. One feeding-bottle, with two or three nipples.
10. One small jug.
11. One teaspoon and one desert-spoon.
12. One small pot de chamber, with two flannel covers.
The above list was intended for a baby’s first month. Semi-porcelain pipkin and lamp was “a most useful modern invention” used to warm water and food. The pap-boat was used to “force” the baby to take disagreeables, either in the shape of food or medicine. The nipples on the feeding bottle should be India-rubber, preferred to the traditional hollowed-out cow teat or sewn-up wash-leather both of which were liable to become semi-putrid.
* * *
Some of the terms mentioned were strange and the item names ever stranger. It would probably take me forever to compile a current list of the items required these days for the babies first month. It would be exhausting and just too much work to even attempt. I have to admit it’s much better to be collateral damage from someone else’s pregnancy than having one of your own. Thank God for menopause.
Yesterday I was a little bored which might explain why I was visiting Craig’s List. I’m not a huge fan of the site because getting up close and personal with anonymous crazies is not my thing. The history of Craig’s List and it’s problems are well known and need no further explanations from me. I do enjoy reading many of their ads which can be both unusual and occasionally funny.
Funny ads are nothing new. Over the years I’ve been drawn to newspapers and magazine ad sections to get a laugh or two. The Penny Saver newspapers and their ilk are by far the best. The following collection includes a few of those types of ads that made me “laugh out loud” when I read them. It amazes me how the ad writers can inject such humor into their ads and most times don’t even realize it.
* * *
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB —
$850/best offer
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX,
COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS FOR SALE.
NEVER BRED CALVES.
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW.
SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES
GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN – 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED – USED ONCE
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT…
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE A REWARD.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS – $175.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE…
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
SELLING WASHER & DRYER $300.
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS, FOR SALE BY OWNER
COMPLETE SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA. 45 VOLUMES. EXCELLENT CONDITION. $1,000.00 NEGOTIABLE. NO LONGER NEEDED. RECENTLY MARRIED; WIFE KNOWS EVERYTHING
* * *
Why is it that spontaneous and unplanned humor like these ads can be funnier that a lot of the professionally constructed jokes we hear every day. I find this stuff hilarious and there seems to be an endless supply.
The Winter season is upon us in everyway except for the snow which will arrive when it’s most inconvenient as always. Everyone has been slowly abandoning their summer-wear and easing into that ever so attractive triple layered ensemble of t-shirts, sweaters, sweat shirts, gloves, hats, and parkas. People watching takes an ugly turn every year at this time and I’ll sure miss the bikinis, thongs, short skirts, and beautiful tans. It’s the worst part of winter for me.
It gets so bad at times that after a few months, usually in February, you might find yourself making a early trip to the local mall to have a coffee and watch the ever increasing numbers of people doing their morning walk. There’s nothing more sad than making an early morning visit to a semi-deserted mall just to watch other idiots trying to make some human contact and to get the hell out of the house for an hour or so.
I’m a little jealous of those folks who can’t wait for the snow to arrive so they have a place to play. I’m way too clumsy to be a snow bunny. As a kid I managed to injure myself on a regular basis during every Winter season without even trying too hard. Skiing was always good for a twisted knee or an up close and personal relationship with the occasional tree or shrub. Once or twice I was actually able to ski down a hill, knocking over other skiers along the way, and then ending up in a creek with thin ice and really cold water. We skated on a remote pond for years and without fail I always managed to fall through the ice on a few occasions.
After decades of minor injuries from walking on snow and ice I gave up. No skiing, no skating, and definitely no snowmobiling. When my friends in Maine discovered my failures as a snow bunny they began to give me odd looks and began whispering behind my back. This was the motivation I needed to get serious about resolving my winter issues. After many years I’ve discovered the only winter activity I’m good at.
As you are certainly aware every ski lodge has things in common with the others. There’s always a chair lift, snow, a big mountain, and a lodge. My winter activities this year will be centered primarily around the lodge and it’s varied selection of things to do. There are lovely rooms to sleep and play in. There are hot tubs, Jacuzzis, and untold numbers of young and attractive individuals to meet and interact with. My favorite thing in every lodge is that comfortable bar stool that sits at the end of the bar near the huge picture window. There I can sit, drink, eat, meet, and greet everyone. The only possible injuries I might suffer would be from an accidental fall from the bar stool which would only involve a spilled drink and possibly a small bruise on my buttocks. The other and more dangerous injury would be from one of the many skiers I see flying down the mountain just outside my window. If by chance one of them loses control and crashes through the window, I could be seriously injured. If I stay alert I should be fine but you never know. It also requires that I surround myself with a bevy of alcohol drinking buxom women to help break my fall if the worst happens. As always my approach to everything Winter is SAFETY FIRST.
Hopefully this winter I’ll remain uninjured for another year. Along the way I intend to stay as warm and cozy as possible with all of my new female lodge buddies. I promise to do my part when it comes time to do a Jell-O shot or two off the stomach of an enthusiastic female volunteer.
SKIING RULES
everyuselessthing.com 