In the past I’ve been known to take a few potshots at politicians, both local and federal. I don’t ever intend to stop doing that but in all fairness I thought I’d quote a few presidents of both parties to show all of you that stupidity and wiseassiness is endemic to both.
I think it’s fairly obvious in this day and age that the office of the presidency has lost some of it’s sparkle. We no longer assume that any president has all the answers or in some cases has any answers. They’re just regular people who were for some reason elected into an extremely important office and they spend most of their time trying not look stupid. Unfortunately for us the majority of the time they’re not very successful.
I’m listing these quotations in no particular order. I think it’s only fair that I leave the Presidents speak for themselves so you can make your own judgments.
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“Even though most people agree… I’m presenting a fair deal, the fact that they don’t take it means that I should somehow do a Jedi mind-meld with these folks and convince them to do what’s right.” —President Obama, mixing up Star Wars and Star Trek references while discussing working with Republicans in Congress (March 1, 2013)
”I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes.” —Richard Nixon
‘‘Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country.”—President George W. Bush, Sept. 6, 2004
”Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.” —Lyndon Johnson
“Some years ago I became president of Columbia University and learned within 24 hours to be ready to speak at the drop of a hat, and I learned something more, the trustees were expected to be ready to speak at the passing of the hat.” – Dwight D. Eisenhower
”I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered together at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.” —President John Kennedy, at a dinner honoring Nobel Prize winners of the Western Hemisphere, the White House, April 29, 1962
‘‘Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.” —Ronald Reagan
”If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‘President Can’t Swim.” —Lyndon Johnson
”If I had to name my greatest strength, I guess it would be my humility. Greatest weakness, it’s possible that I’m a little too awesome.” —Barack Obama, at the 2008 Al Smith Dinner
”My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.” —President Jimmy Carter
”Being president is like running a cemetery: you’ve got a lot of people under you and nobody’s listening.” —Bill Clinton
”He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever met.” —Abraham Lincoln, referring to a lawyer
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I don’t see anything all that impressive in this posting which doesn’t surprise me in the least. Presidents are just as silly and stupid as the rest of us except they dress better and have a nicer place to live. Hopefully “We the People” will never take them as seriously as they seem to take themselves, that could be a serious mistake.
It’s a terrible thing to be bored. It’s doubly terrible when you’re in Maine and it’s Winter. It feels like being up in the air on the “Vomit Comet” flying very high, then diving straight down, and then pulling back up again to what is supposed to be normal. That weightlessness between dives in my mind is the ultimate boredom. You’re just floating around in a pointless manner, accomplishing nothing, and feeling even worse.
Maybe if you were like me and had a fifty year love affair with adrenaline, the ultimate aphrodisiac, it would help you to understand a little. Hang gliding, sky diving, bungee jumping, and smashing down doors to apprehend criminals or mental patients can in no way be considered boring. Defying death or serious injury was never the point for me. The point was experiencing the dangers and not giving a shit what happened. Putting your entire existence into the hands of fate and doing so with no regrets. Most people never get to that point and don’t really want to, unless they can feel the adrenaline rush without committing to the danger.
So you have your regular run-of-the-mill boredom and then there’s the adrenaline-free boredom which is even worse. I’m drifting through life living vicariously through my own past experiences to help keep my head above water. Unfortunately once you reach a certain age with all of the physical limitations that come with it, your choices become strictly limited. Writing a blog, painting a picture, sculpting, sketching, remodeling a home or even walking in the woods are a just a stupid laundry list of poor substitutes.
I actually attempted for a while to live vicariously through others but OMG what a mistake. Many of the people in my sphere of influence, not all of course, put me into a deathlike comma. They’re lives have taken boredom to new heights and they don’t know the difference since they have nothing to compare it to. I may sound a little harsh in my criticisms but so what.
So I’ll start another day writing this blog, walking a couple of miles on my treadmill, reading a book, watching some TV, petting my cat, and then walking outside and screaming at the top of my effing lungs. Now don’t you feel a hundred percent better about your life? You should.
Here are a few boring things from my list of thousands.
- Celebrity Worship
- Baseball (Except for Little League)
- Soccer (I don’t consider it a real sport.)
- Politics and Politicians (Pundits and Talk Shows too)
- Sermons (Religious or Otherwise)
- Musicals
- Shopping War Stories
- Vampires
- Werewolves
- “Wives of” (From any City. State, Country, or Planet)
- Sports
- Country Music
- Waiting Rooms
- Commercials of Any Kind
- Soap Operas
Well the weekend has passed without much of interest to talk about. I have to tell you though that taking Sundays off from my life is something I recommend highly for anyone to try. No exercising, no blogging and no dieting. As always I remind you that Sunday as a day of rest for me is not a religious leftover from my childhood. It just happens to fit into my strangely scheduled current lifestyle.
We had another eight inches of snow through the night which meant I was to spend at least a half hour with my favorite motorized friend, the snowblower. The snow was wet and heavy and a real pain in the ass to deal with. I did it quickly so my better-half could access the outside world and then I returned to my day-off. I snapped a few pictures around the house of this storm because the snow was sticking to everything and made for some interesting photos.
The weather has warmed a little which brings out the visiting birds in large numbers. We feed them regularly but in frigid weather they become scarce. Since we live in a forested area we have three or four generations of woodpeckers that stay with us all winter. We place suet out for them because they’re the most successful in pecking it apart when it’s frozen.
They’ve been flying in and out in shifts so often they’re averaging one suet container a week. It apparently keeps them healthy and makes living through the winter months a little easier.
I then decided to leave the warm bosom of my house to explore the neighboring area for a few photo’s of the snow scenes. Here are three that should give you a better idea about what Maine is like in winter.
It’s now Monday morning and I’m back on the treadmill for a mile or two of good heath and exhaustion. The better-half’s loving the new slimmer me but I think it’s just her way of motivating me a little more. Either way it’s a win/win.
You know, there is a time in your life when you’re forced to deal with getting older. It’s a little difficult because mentally we all still feel like we’re in our twenties. As in growing up there’s a process that you must experience and when growing down (aging) you must again go through a somewhat similar but more depressing process, like it or not. I think it’s just a way for us to slowly over time confront and accept the reality of our mortality.
It really began to bother me a few years ago when I received an email from a former high school class president requesting I attend my 45th high school reunion. I read the email and never seriously thought about attending. You see, I hated high school and really had no desire to see any of my former classmates. I had two close friends during those years and both have passed away. The first died just months after graduation in a nasty car accident and the second died about twelve years ago during liver transplant surgery. Any old girlfriends with their accompanying sexual adventures have long since been forgotten.
I was given a webpage to visit created by my old classmates that had updated information on just about everyone in the class. I took a look around the site and the only thing that caught my eye was the death list. It was a huge shock to see that almost forty percent of my graduating class had passed away. It was surprising but not totally unexpected. I adjusted over time to the shock and began to deal with the reality of it. I never attended any of my class reunions that were held over the years because I preferred to remember my classmates as they were and not be slapped in the face with the new reality of what they are now. Too damn depressing.
Time goes on and age continues to creep up on you. You can see and feel the physical changes as they occur and you adjust. Aches and pains continue to worsen and again you adjust. You spend a great deal of your life adjusting to changes that you knew were coming but really didn’t take all that seriously. It’s a slow and never-ending shadow in the back of your mind that you try to ignore but can’t. Every time you have a quiet moment it pops up to let you know the process is continuing.
You’re probably wandering what prompted this depressing monologue so let me explain. Yesterday I was given some news that at first didn’t shock or surprise me but later kept coming back to haunt me. My ex-wife of many years had remarried shortly after our divorce and had given birth to a son. We’d been divorced a couple of years but she still made the effort to meet with me because she wanted to introduce me to the boy. She and I had tried for years to have children but could not. We met for just a few brief minutes and I held the little guy in my arms for just an instant. Before I knew it they were gone and I never saw either of them again. That little baby boy now 31 years old had just died from a lethal drug overdose.
Life as always goes on but it was just another reminder of how quickly and easily life can be taken from us. Sorry about the depressing post but I needed to tell someone about it. No one is exempt from this aging process and I’ve done my part to remind all of you of that fact. Live your life to the fullest every blessed day. It could end tomorrow.
You must have gathered by now, I’m not a big fan of celebrities. Most celebrities just aren’t worth my time and effort to write about them. I’m not saying all of them are fake but a vast majority appear to be. I do understand that some of them, and I do mean “SOME”, are talented in various disciplines and that I do appreciate. My biggest complaint is their effect on the culture with their stupid and uninformed opinions and thoughts. They may have talent and fame but it doesn’t make them any smarter than the rest of us. They allow themselves to be used by politicians to affect the vote in ways that I disagree with. Their influence among our younger generations with silly and sometimes stupid statements causes more problems than it solves. Here’s a few examples of these fine upstanding citizens and the things they say and think.
- “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”
– Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
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“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” – Mariah Carey
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“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” – Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
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“I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.” — Britney Spears
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“I’m not anorexic. I’m from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I’ve never heard of one. And that includes me.” — Jessica Simpson
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“I am convinced that by eating biological foods it is possible to avoid a tumor.” – Gwyneth Paltrow
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“It’s OK to have beliefs, just don’t believe in them.” – Guy Ritchie
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“What’s Walmart, do they like make walls there?” – Paris Hilton
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“When I pictured heroin, I pictured some crazy crack-head with no shoes under a bridge. You never think that is going to be you. And it never was me. I was never under a bridge, and I always had shoes. – Nicole Richie
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“If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there’s still a 30% chance we’re going to get it wrong.” – Joe Biden
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“It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.” – Axl Rose
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“All of the sudden, you’re like the Bin Laden of America. Osama Bin Laden is the only one who knows what I’m going through.” – R. Kelly
These are the role models our younger generations look up to and attempt to emulate. I always thought that the obsession with celebrities faded as we aged but I was wrong. I recall years ago teasing my seventy year old mother when she said she would have thrown her panties on stage for Tom Jones. Same obsession, different approach.
I guess I just dislike fake people. If you’re a great singer or actor with loads of talent why change your name. Stand up, be proud, and be who you really are. Here’s a list of just a few celebrities who’ve been convinced by the Hollywood types to not just change their names but to remove their real identities as people. This is a very small sampling of this nonsense.
Pat Benatar = Patricia Andrejewski
Bono = Paul Hewson
Alice Cooper = Vincent Funnier
Elvis Costello = Declan Patrick McManus
Tom Cruise = Thomas Cruise Mapother IV
Vin Diesel = Mark Vincent
Kathie Lee Gifford = Kathie Epstein
Whoopie Goldberg = Caryn Johnson
Ice Cube = Oshea Jackson
Ice-T = Tracy Morrow
Elton John = Reginald Dwight
Wynonna Judd = Christina Ciminella
Queen Latifah = Dana Owens
Courtney Love = Michelle Harrison
Elle MacPherson = Eleanor Gow
Barry Manilow = Barry Alan Pincus
Marilyn Manson = Brian
Demi Moore = Demetria Guynes
Joan Rivers = Joan Sandra Molinsky
Johnny Rotten (Sex Pistols) = John Lydon
Winona Ryder = Winona Horowitz
Susan Sarandon = Susan Tomaling
Jane Seymour = Joyce Franked berg
Sting = Gordon Sumner
Randy Travis = Randy Traywick
Sid Vicious = John Simon Ritchie
Raquel Welch = Raquel Tejada
Gene Wilder = Jerome Silberman
Tammy Wynette = Wynette Pugh
What kind of person so easily gives up their real name? How do their other family members feel about it? I have a feeling in some close-knit families this could become a major problem and create a lot of hard feelings. I know if I had a son or daughter talented enough to be given that choice, they’d keep their name and be damn proud of it. Just ask the Wahlberg brothers or the Baldwin family. Proud of who they are and not ashamed to admit it.
It’s time for a little update. My life will seem utterly boring to some of you but I don”t really mind. It’s actually boring to me at times as well. Since the holidays have passed things have fallen back into what we consider normal.
The weather has turned warmer and that 38 inches of snow is mostly gone since we’ve had three or four days of steady rain. It’s the normal January thaw and we actually look forward to it each year. Yesterday I was quietly sitting in my favorite reading chair when I heard a loud crash that shook the entire house. I first thought it was another small earthquake but decided to check outside the house for any other possible problems. Silly me, another on of our January gifts had arrived.
Having three or four feet of snow buildup eventually places a serious load onto the structure of the house. Once the weather warms up a little all of that ice and snow that’s been compacting on the roof for two months begins sliding off. I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal but we have a large house with an equally large roof. The roof accumulated approximately 8 inches of ice and another 8 inches of partially melted snow. When it let go it shook the house and spilled off the rear of the building into the yard. There is no doubt if that amount of ice and snow were to hit a person they would be dead almost immediately.
I walked out back and discovered that my spring chores would now include replacement of the handrails on the back stairs. The ice and snow landed with a crunch and smashed the handrails into small splinters. It sounds bad but almost every year the icefall crushes those rails or anything else in it’s path. Thank God it’s down and no longer a danger to us or our visitors. It just another wonderful little gift from Mother Nature.
My broken leg situation has greatly improved. I climbed back on the treadmill wearing both an ankle and knee brace three weeks ago and got back to work. It took almost three weeks of daily workouts to get my injured leg back to normal size. I needed to build quite a bit of muscle very quickly. The knee is improving as well and it appears there was no permanent damage. I’m almost back to the level on the treadmill that I had reached before the injury.
The weight loss program is back as well and I’ve reach a total loss of thirty pounds. The leg injury really screwed up things for a while but I’m back on track finally. Ten more pounds to go and then I can ease up a little. I’m now wearing clothes I purchased many years ago that I never was able to wear at the time. Life is good, so far . . . .
A long time ago in a blog that is now far, far, away I posted a four part list of the one hundred things I hated the most. I spent a lot of time compiling that list and after posting it I went on about my life. I never thought much more about it until yesterday when I spotted a few websites indicating everyone is hating something these days. After reading through almost a hundred lists I had an epiphany. All of a sudden I seemed like the calm, reserved, and thoughtful person and the rest of the world appears populated by a new generation of haters. Some how I’d been dropped very far down the list of haters and that pissed me off a little.
I took a sampling of a few things that seem to show up on many of the lists including my own. I’ll list a few to give you an idea exactly what I’m talking about.
Know-It-All’s
People Who talk Over You
Google Obsessed People
People Who Don’t Get Sarcasm
Tyra Banks
STD’s
Back Seat Drivers
Web Page Ads
Discourteous Public Bathroom Users
Liars
Loud People
Politicians
Commercials
Procrastinators
Drama Queens
Evangelists
Bad Drivers
OBX Stickers
Global Warming Idiots
Mimes
Some of those items are funny, some seem to make good sense but most are just ho-hum or so it seems to me. Since “I HATE” being left behind I thought it would be cool if I brought my list back from the archives, updated it a bit, and send it your way. After going through that process I discovered that I’ve mellowed a great deal in the intervening years and my list has shrunk to only 52 items. I was forced to revaluate the old list with the eye of a retired person. Many things that used to piss me off no longer bother me at all. It’s all just slightly amusing to me at this point in time.
So, here’s my newly revised list. It’s a very cathartic process doing a large list like this, you should try it yourself. Don’t be afraid, no one will really HATE you for doing it. Just don’t use any real names and your good to go. So here I go.
Stupid People
Rosie O’Donnell
Unibrow Women
Homeless People
Dirty Finger Nails
Criminals
Funerals
Backward Baseball Caps
Large Groups of People
Penn & Teller
Dumb Cashiers
Stinky Feet
Hairy Bushes
Terrorists
Know-It-All’s
Hospitals
Oprah Winfrey
Will Ferrell
The Smell of Urine
Women Missing Teeth
Political Correctness
Liberals
Boogers
Clowns
Liars
Ear Hair
Doctors
Large Aureoles
Dirty Toilets
Roadside Death Shrines.
Extra Toes
Nose Hair
Jehovah Witnesses
Salesmen
Vegans
Ass Kissers
Autopsy’s
Stinky Breath
Illegal Aliens
Democrats
Wet Farts
Performing Artists
Ugly Feet
Sean Penn
Stinky Garbage
Arrogant People
Inverted Nipples
Noisy Radios
The French
Hairy Nipples (On Women)
Yellow Nail Polish
Gossips
Baby Pageants
Texting While Driving
Granny Panties
Penis Caught in Zipper
Tail Gater’s, Stinky Arm Pits
You’ve been the recipient of the Official Every Useless Thing Hate List for 2014. Make up your own list. Once you get start listing it becomes almost a living thing. You just keep on going and going and going and you have to force yourself to stop.
I’m a huge critic of the media but at the same time I try to remain fair in that criticism, Truthfully, I hate them all. When this government of ours was created the Media was to be a watchdog on those politicians known for being corrupt and wasteful with our tax dollars. The process begins to breakdown once the Media becomes a tool of the government. You can see it now with Obama putting the Media through it’s paces with little or no criticism of any wrongdoing. They worship the ground he walks on and it’s pitiful. I think the turning point was reached when all of the largest newspapers and Media outlets were purchased by corporate America. It’s was a “Kiss of Death” to our democracy as it was meant to be.
The Media has the luxury of editing and reporting only those things that agree with their political agendas as directed by the corporate bosses. The good quality journalists have become extinct and are only talked about around the water coolers of the surviving newsgroups. What we have now are over educated talking heads who are news readers rather than investigative reporters. The following list is humorous but at the same time just reinforces my thoughts on the subject.
How do you like these idiotic headlines written by alleged reporters, edited by alleged editors, and published as shown. Unbelievable is the word your looking for. Here we go.
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE – ONE DIES
TWO SISTERS REUNITE AFTER EIGHTEEN YEARS AT CHECKOUT COUNTER
NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES FROM LOVED ONE
NICARAGUA SETS GOAL TO WIPE OUT LITERACY
DRUNK DRIVERS PAID $1,000 IN 1984
AUTOS KILLING 110 A DAY, LET’S RESOLVE TO DO BETTER
IF STRIKE ISN’T SETTLED QUICKLY IT MAY LAST A WHILE
WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE, BUT DEATH CUTS EFFICIENCY
COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
CHILD’S DEATH RUINS COUPLE’S HOLIDAY
BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN’T SEEN IN YEARS
MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN
SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERTS SAY
DEATH CAUSES LONELINESS, FEELING OF ISOLATION
Remember what you’ve read here when they begin telling you how to think and vote. Believe nothing they say unless you can verify it though other reliable sources. It’s your country, take the time and make the effort.
I’ve been racking my brain for the last few days trying to come up with some ideas for my least favorite holiday that’s approaching. Everyone on the planet knows it’s a made-up holiday supported primarily by greeting card companies but it doesn’t change the fact that we men are required to do the proper thing regardless for Valentine’s Day. The proper thing being candy, flowers, and an emotional and over the top “love” card. If you really want to get lucky it also may require an expensive dinner and a crazy night on the town. It’s kind of like Christmas. You get one big gift that’s meant to last the whole year.
I really don’t mean to sound like a man but unfortunately that’s what I am. I decided to do a little net surfing in an attempt to identify those things that men want from women in a relationship and vice versa. It seems that everyone is an expert on this subject and in order for me to be thorough I would’ve been forced to read through hundreds of websites. My laziness resulted in these two lists with 10 items each listing the primary “wants” from both genders. This first list is what men are looking for in the women they date in the hopes of finding their soulmate.
What Men Want in Women
Physical Intimacy
Confident
Attractiveness
Love
Security
Trust
Sense of Humor
Supportive
As you can see there are no surprises in that list. This next list is things wanted by women in their men to qualify them for “soulmate” status.
What Women Want in Men
Love
Sense of Humor
Confident
Respectful
Sexual Passion
Trustworthy
Chivalrous
Attractive
Ambitious
Imaginative
Again no real surprises at all. Some minor differences but nothing too shocking. Let me make a statement that in my humble opinion will sum up the main wants and needs of both sexes in one simple sentence.
“I want an attractive, confident, trustworthy, and sexy person.”
For me that says it all. Those characteristics were common to both lists and I suspect haven’t changed much since the first man met the first women. Thousands of years, millions of people, trillions of dollars, and I figured it all out in an hour. So if you have all of these qualities you should be in demand as a single person and a major catch for marriage seekers. If you think that that sentence describes you and you aren’t in demand it can only mean one thing. I got it all wrong. If I’m wrong then I’d advise you to get your ass in gear and buy some candy, some flowers, a mushy card, a fancy dinner, and then pray for the sex your hoping to get on Valentine’s Day night.
For a few extra thrills throw in some jewelry. Also I find it a little interesting that Valentine’s Day is represented by the initials VD. I don’t think it means anything, I’m just saying.
I’m declaring today as Silly Day. As I’m feeling right now I have no interest in anything important. I don’t want to discuss the problems of our society, questions about the universe or the reason why my legs and butt cheeks hurt when I get up in the morning. None of that is least bit important today.
I have quite the collection of quotes and sayings and adages for every occasion but today Silly and Stupid reign supreme. The following tidbits address just about anything you’d like to think about and do so in a silly and stupid way. These tidbits have been obtained from all sorts of strange and wonderful sources from TV shows, philosophers, and even a comedian or two.
We all need to laugh once in a while. Enjoy!
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Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. – Rita Mae Brown
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A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him. – Sir Winston Churchill
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Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off. – Anonymous
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Dance until your feet hurt. Sing until your lungs hurt. Act until you’re William Hurt. – Phil Dunphy of Modern Family
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Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. – Carl Zwanzig
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Home is heaven and orgies are vile but I like an orgy, once in a while. – Ogden Nash
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A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. – Jack Benny
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I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. – Fred Allen
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Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker. – From the movie Naked
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Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you. – Colin Sautar
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Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years. – Anonymous
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A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge. – Robert Brault
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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. – Anonymous
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She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. – Mae West
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She was what we used to call a suicide blond – dyed by her own hand. – Saul Bellow
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After all, what is your host’s purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. – P.J. O’Rourke
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I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. – Elayne Boosler
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If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me. – Song title by Jimmy Buffet
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Man was predestined to have free will. – Hal Lee Luyah
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Maybe this world is another planet’s hell. – Aldous Huxley
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Murphy was an optimist. – O’Toole’s Commentary
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The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. – Bill Watterson
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You can’t have everything… where would you put it? – Steven Wright
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He’s turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed. – Harry Kalas
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I plan on living forever. So far, so good. – Anonymous
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Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter. – Anonymous
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Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. – P.D. East
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As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around. – Robert Brault
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I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants. – Dave Beard
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There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family. – Jerry Seinfeld
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And on the eighth day God said, “Okay, Murphy, you’re in charge!” – Anonymous
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When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football. – Anonymous
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A great name for a new country song: If I’d Shot You Sooner, I’d Be Out of Jail by Now. – Anonymous
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. – Fred Allen
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Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. – H.L. Mencken
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A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. – Anonymous
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A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t. – Anonymous
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All generalizations are bad. – R.H. Grenier
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All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. – Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe
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The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away. – Tom Waits
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Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. – Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield
Did I lie? Silly and Stupid. I just felt like lightening matters up today because if I take a peek into the real world it depresses the hell out of me. Politics sickens me and listening to drug company commercials and the constant stream of advertisements on every bit of media almost every second of every day of every year for the rest of my effing life makes me want to scream out loud.
The weekend is coming, so let this steaming pile of minutia get you in the right frame of mind.
